The Wife:
This episode’s pre-challenge footage introduced us to some of the drama in the Top Chef loft. Alex misses Richard already and doesn’t have his head in the game because he’s getting married in 20 days. (I can only imagine how insane his bride-to-be must feel without him around to help her with wedding plans.) Leah hates Jamie, and I can’t imagine why, other than the fact that Leah feels threatened by Jamie’s culinary prowess. Because it’s not like Jamie is going to steal that stud Hosea away from Leah, because Jamie’s gay. So, that right there gave us a clue as to what would be going on in the final bits of this episode. Thanks, reality TV editors!
For the Quickfire challenge, guest judge chef-lebrity Rocco DiSpirito showed up demanding that the chefs prepare for him a breakfast amuse-bouche. (I guess it really was, as Hosea called out, time to make the donuts.) Leah got all uppity with the other contestants for making amuses that were more than one bit, especially Jamie, who made an amuse that had to be eaten in two bites. While Leah technically is correct that amuses should be bite-sized, she was only picking on Jamie because she hates her. Two bites is not a sin in amuse-bouche world. More than two, though, and that’s no longer an amuse-bouche — that’s an appetizer. Fabio got a lot of attention in this challenge, chatting about Rocco DiSpirito and the not-very-authentic-Italian-food that Rocco makes, but then changing his opinion and saying that it doesn’t matter that Rocco’s food isn’t authentic because it tastes good and that’s what matters.
The Breakfast Amuse-Bouches
- Melissa: French toast with eggs, strawberries and bacon
- Stefan: huevos rancheros served inside an eggshell
- Radhika: a potato cake with egg and hollandaise sauce (so, a potato cake benedict?)
- Daniel: a cornflake-crusted zucchini flower stuffed with mushrooms (this dish wins the award for most resembling fecal matter)
- Ariane: stuffed French toast with chives
- Jamie: a BLT breakfast sammie
- Leah: bacon, quail egg and cheese with peppers on grilled bread
- Fabio: a brioche with bruléed banana and an espresso shot
- Jeff: a twice-baked potato with a yogurt sorbet
Seriously, how unappetizing is this? I love fried zucchini blossoms and I do not want to put this in my mouth.
Rocco deemed Daniel’s zucchini turd to be too sweet because of the cornflake crust (my husband asked me here if I could classify cornflakes as sweet, to which I responded that corn is inherently a sweet food — that’s why its in your soda pop) and also didn’t like Fabio’s brioche because it was too desserty for breakfast. Rocco’s three favorites were Stefan’s beautifully plated huevos rancheros, Leah’s breakfast sammie and Jamie’s rival breakfast sammie. Both Rocco and Padma praised Leah’s adherence to the “perfect size” of an amuse-bouche and awarded her the win, which garnered her immunity in the Elimination Challenge and a sparkly new copy of Rocco’s new book Rocco Gets Real! Whoooooo!
For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants were instructed to cook a dish for a two and a half minute cooking demonstration as though they were going to present it on television. They had a pick a dish that they would normally cook in an hour, but could show the basics of in two and a half minutes with the judges crowding around them asking them questions about preparation methods . . . just as you might on a cooking segment of a popular morning news/lifestyle program filmed in 30 Rockefeller Plaza that may and or may not be mentioned in the title of this episode.
At Whole Foods, Fabio, Eugene and Hosea had a hyper-masculine butchery showdown when all three men asked if they could get behind the counter and cut their chosen meat fillets themselves. I really enjoyed that ballsyness because if there’s one thing this vegetarian can really respect, it’s hardcore butchery. Those dudes were hardcore. Alex, on the other hand, decided he wanted to make a crème brûlée which I just knew wasn’t going to work out for him in the long run. (I hope every other person in America who has ever tried to make a creme brulee thought that, too.)
Creme Brulee Fail.
There’s simply not enough time to demonstrate on one burner in 2.5 minutes how to properly prepare the crème, have your beauty plate actually set properly in the hour of pre-show prep time you have and then allow your guests to eat some of your brûlée. The numbers just don’t add up, there.
The Elimination Cooking Demonstration Dishes
- Ariane: a Jersey beefsteak tomato salad with basil oil and watermelon
- Jamie: a bitter green salad with fried duck egg and caviar
- Alex: that ill-fated rose-infused crème brûlée
- Jeff: a shrimp maloof roll with malhuramora sauce (I do not know what any of that is.)
- Fabio: sesame-crusted tuna with a salad of roasted carrots and asparagus
- Daniel: skirt steak with ginger-soy sauce and a cabbage salad
- Stefan: minestrone soup with pancetta
- Hosea: crispy ahi roll with crunchy peas
- Eugene: tuna sashimi
- Melissa: blackened habanero shrimp
- Carla: tortilla soup
- Radhika: sweet shrimp and cucumber salad
- Leah: duck breast with corn and blueberry mash
Carla, Radhika and Leah all ran out of time and I am frankly stunned that essentially failing the challenge didn’t land the two of these girls who didn’t have immunity in the bottom three. Instead, the judges criticized Jamie for serving a slightly raw duck egg, Leah for having absolutely no self-confidence for this challenge, Alex for making a really stupid food choice in the brûlée, Carla for her nervous energy, Daniel’s poor kitchen skills that made for a sloppy demo, Stefan’s lack of personality and Melissa’s spicy shrimp that actually burned Padma’s mouth. They liked Jeff’s speediness and skill in his presentation, Ariane’s comfortable demeanor and Fabio’s ever-so-endearing Italianness. For the bottom three, they chose Melissa and her demon shrimp, Alex and his dumb-ass brûlée and Jamie’s raw egg. The top three were Jeff, Ariane and Fabio.
Much like my tuna, I am fresh from the boat.
Back at the house, Alex gets all defensive and calls all the chefs who made salads pussies. (Ordinarily, I would too, but for this challenge, the salads were actually the smartest way to go. I’ll explain more about that in a bit.) He then explains that maybe his head isn’t in the game anymore because he’s too busy thinking about his wedding. At 2 a.m., Tom comes to wake up Ariane, Jeff and Fabio and whisk them away to the Today Show where they will prepare their dishes for the shrews of The Today Show’s fourth hour where said ladies will choose the winner on live television. I think Jeff summed up my feelings on this exactly:
“I’m gonna be serving a Middle Eastern roll to a bunch of ladies with unsophisticated palates. And it’s six in the morning. And I’m pissed off.”
The other chefs woke to find their housemates were missing and were told to gather around the television in the living room to find out who won the challenge. Thanks to this challenge, I now know that Meredith Viera hates watermelon. (Why? It doesn’t taste like much. How can you possibly hate something that’s light, sweet and 90 percent water?) The other ladies seemed to enjoy Ariane’s dish, however. Almost no comments were made about Fabio’s dish and everyone seemed to like Jeff’s dish except for Kathie Lee Gifford, who must have the least sophisticated palate of them all because she felt the need to spit it out on national television. These harpies all huddled around each other and reported to the good-natured Tom Colicchio that they had chosen Ariane’s salad as the winner.
Proof positive that the ladies of the Today Show actually have no taste. (Although, in fairness to this salad, I bet it actually is really refreshing.)
So about that salad. I would normally agree with Alex that salads are the lamest thing you can possibly make on Top Chef because the only real culinary skill they require is the ability to combine flavors and — maybe — make an emulsion, reduction or vinaigrette. These are all basic skills not worthy of Top Cheffians. However, for a two-and-a-half minute cooking demonstration, one that is clearly designed to appeal to the palates of a vast number of television viewers and also be easy to make in the home kitchen, a salad is a great way to go. Also good? A soup. Soups and salads are hearty, flavorful dishes every home cook should know how to make and the more a home cook learns about flavor combinations from those two simple items, the better their overall cooking repertoire will be. I will grant that the chefs had no idea that they were going to be cooking for The Today Show, and might not have considered the limited palates of their audience. But I can guarantee that each of these cheftestants has watched enough Food Network to know that the kind of demonstrations they were supposed to be emulating were more Robin Miller and Rachel Ray than those of Mario Batali, Giada DeLaurentiis or that great stalwart Emeril Lagasse. A soup or a salad were the smartest possible choices.
Back at Judge’s Table, Rocco awarded Ariane with a case of his favorite culinary tools and told her that she would be presenting her recipe in a Today Show cooking segment the day after the episode aired. (So, today, actually.) The judges then called forth their three least favorites and grilled them about their choices and their performance. Rocco was very disappointed that Jamie recoiled when she realized she had served a raw duck egg, which made for bad showmanship. Rocco also told Melissa that she must be insane if she thought that the amount of spice on her shrimp was anywhere near fit for human consumption. He also told Alex that making a brûlée was very stupid because if Alex had did simple math, he would have known that the times didn’t add up right.
Alex: The whole point of this competition is to push yourself.
Tom: The whole point of this competition is to win.
Not surprisingly, Alex is told to pack his knives and go get married. I don’t think the brûlée was quite as stupid a move as the ostrich egg quiche, but it was pretty boneheaded. I’m pretty sure about one thing, though: Alex won’t be serving crème brûlée at his wedding.
