The Wife:

Bones finale, while I enjoyed your silly alternate universe mystery that could have been Booth’s coma or Brennan’s erased fantasy manuscript or both at the same time, you were a weird, weird way to do a season finale. Although, really, how else would you have managed to solve a murder while Booth lay in a four-day post-surgical coma? If I accept the fantasy manuscript as what that story was, then I appreciate that it functioned to subconsciously illustrate Brennan’s feelings for Booth, as she would never be able to say them in real life. And I wonder if the crux of next season will be Brennan dealing with those feelings in light of the fact that Booth, tumor-free, now doesn’t know just quite who this woman he’s spent the last four years of his life with is. Memory loss is a bit of a hoary trope, usually relegated to daytime television, but I have faith that Bones will transform it into something useful next season.

Incidentally, I am 99% percent more likely to go to a bar called The Lab than a bar not called The Lab.

Incidentally, I am 99% percent more likely to go to a bar called The Lab than a bar not called The Lab.

That said, let me talk about things I enjoyed about this weird alternate universe:

  • Excellent use of every intern (save for the woman from the airplane caper and Michael Badalucco), even Zack.
  • Fischer as the chef made me long for Kitchen Confidential, which was better than FOX thought it was.
  • I am sad that Eugene Byrd’s Clark had to play entirely toward type as a hip hop superstar C-Sync, who wants to play at The Lab, the club run by Booth and Brennan.
  • I am, however, happy that Pej Vahdat’s Viziri got to play away from being defined by his religion and got to be a slick rival club owner, which is still kind of a Persian character type, but a much cooler one.
  • Daisy is a sloot in any universe.
  • It is perfect for psychologist Sweets to be a bartender, as bartenders are just as good as listening as shrinks are. And charge less by the hour.
  • Wendell Bray is the perfect bouncer, as I think this kind of 100% street-smart tough guy is exactly what he would be without his medical knowledge.
  • I have never loved Mr. Nigel-Murray more than as an adorable British DJ in this episode. He should always wear a hat in the lab. His best line? “I’m not going to fare well in jail. I’m lovely.” Yes, sweetheart. You rather are.
  • Zack was apparently Brennan’s assistant. I guess a club owner might have an assistant, but it seems like less of a fit than the rest of the characters in this episode.
  • Alternate universe Hodgins is a crime writer, and that’s pretty cool.
  • Alternate universe Angela was basically Angela, but without computer skills. She wore a super cute pink-striped dress at one point though, and I just found it: It’s Marc Jacob’s Crosstown Sleeveless Dress, and it’s at Neiman Marcus for $428. I. Am. Awesome.
  • I loved that Sweets band was called Gormogon, and yet played lovely, sunny pop-rock music. JFD is a fine singer, and I also loved the callback line: “Some people think that I’m Gormogon, but I’m not.”
  • I totally believe that Booth would run a club if he weren’t in law enforcement, because that’s probably what his little brother should be doing now that he isn’t in the military anymore. They switched roles!
Will commence hunting down that dress after I post this!

Found this! It's at Neiman Marcus!

However:

It is completely unbelievable that Brennan would run a club and remain so logical and fastidious. I could see her running a business, yes, but something that makes medical devices or computer parts or something. I do not see her as the kind of person who makes a business of entertainment, and that rang through loud and clear to me as her character said things about how she prides herself on being logical throughout the course of the investigation by Cam and Jared Booth. Everyone in the alternaverse was an alternate version of themselves, except for Booth and Bones. Booth’s transition made sense, Bones’ didn’t. And if she wrote the story, I’m not really sure why she would choose to insert herself into that character, other than to pair herself with Booth as husband and wife.

I guess the ‘shippery moments were pretty hot, although I find the alterna-Booth and Bones pregnancy discussion less cute than false. I don’t know, gang. This was a weird one. And Mötley Crüe was there. Why? I’m mostly just kind of confused as to how this functions as a season finale.

By the way, my pick for Interns next season would be a rotating schedule of Vincent Nigel-Murray, Colin Fischer and Wendell Bray, because they’re clearly the best. And we’ll get enough of Daisy since she’s all up on Sweets 24/7.

The Husband:

I was going to wrap up my intern-of-the-week for this season by stating my preferences for who should return, but my wife pretty much nailed it. Fischer is great comic relief for a geek like me, but Bray is the best character and Nigel-Murray is the most interesting in terms of sheer knowledge. I would have loved to see Badalucco return, but that Emmy-winning star is just too expensive or busy, I guess.

So I’ll just have to settle on a quick commentary of the final episode. I think it was cute but ultimately disappointing. If this was an attempt at trying to turn into Moonlighting, a show that constantly shifted realities for random episodes just because they could. (One episode starts with a dude reading Shakespeare while watching Moonighting, so the episode had Willis and Shepard solving a case while being characters from The Taming of the Shrew.) But Bones, while often subversive of the modern standard procedural, is still far more serious than that show ever was and still has a reality to maintain, a reality millions of people love. And so, this episode was not nearly as interesting as my new iPhone. (Not a whole lot is, technically, but I make sure to use it as little as possible if I’m watching something I really give a shit about.)

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I also don’t really care what people have to say about whether or not Brennan and Booth had sex in the real world or in a fantasy, because goddamn it, it’s supposed to be ambiguous. Just like the final sequence on Grey’s Anatomy. We’ll find out this fall. Stop freaking out with your theories, online douchebags.

And hopefully, this fall will also see Zack’s return to the Jeffersonian. I miss that apprentice twerp.

The Wife:

As my husband mentioned in my last Bones post, this episode saw the return of Veronica Mars‘ Michael Grant Terry as fan-favorite intern Wendell Bray. (The rumblings I see on the interwebs indicate that many Bones viewers seem to like him the best. I’ve also seen rumblings that indicate that some people think that Ryan Cartwright’s Vincent Nigel-Murray is actually Joel David Moore’s Colin Fischer. This is incorrect. You would know Joel David Moore if you saw him. In fact, I just spied him on Angel the other day, in full vamp makeup. He is that recognizable that I know it’s him even when his face is covered. And yes, this does explain how Joel David Moore got the gig on this show.) Wendell and Booth are teammates on in a local hockey league that seems to be largely comprised of dudes who work together who like to do a little friendly beating up on other dudes out on the ice.

In the cold open, a member of the opposing team, The Firedawgs (volunteer firefighters), beats up on Wendell, which causes Booth, as the “enforcer,” to further beat up on said Firedawg. I’ve mentioned before how, sometimes, this show becomes a way in which the actors/executive producers can speak about themselves a little bit. Most notably, the anti-dogfighting eulogy that still makes me tear up from “The Finger in the Nest” as a testament to Emily Deschanel’s animal activism. In “Fire in the Ice,” we get a glimpse at just how much David Boreanaz loves hockey. I remember him talking wistfully about how much he loves to play hockey with his son in an interview, so I was not at all surprised to see an episode dedicated to the star and producer playing hockey. If I were to say that David Boreanaz looks good on the ice, it would be meaningless. But that’s because I don’t know anything about hockey. And I think he looks good all the time.

Later, the player that Booth threatened turns up dead in the lake, discovered while two ice fishermen bored a hole in the ice and, consequently, the body. Delicious blood and guts. Just how I like them. Things become complicated when Booth sees the crossed hockey sticks that the dead man wore around his neck and suddenly realizes that it’s Pete Carlson, the Firedawg with whom he recently fought, automatically making Booth a suspect. In order to work the case, Caorline brings in Special Agent Peyton Perrota. Bones refuses to work the case with anyone but Booth, and Peyton accommodates the request by allowing Booth to tag along and help during the investigation. This episode was really light on squint work, and all of the evidence keeps pointing back to Booth (or, you know, ANY OTHER HOCKEY PLAYER!). Everyone at the Jeffersonian was pretty convinced that Booth would never kill anyone, except for Sweets, who worries that Booth has spent his life finding ways to take back the power he lost as a child of abuse, all of which manifest in avenues for controlled violence: his army career, his FBI career, his devotion to recreational hockey. Booth shrugs all of these suggestions off with a venomous, “I’m not my father.”

And you're not my father either!

And you're not my father either!

Basic forensics confirmed that the victim was killed and then drowned and frozen. It’s clear that he died when an unknown object was jammed into his eye socket, but no one can figure out what or whom. Carlson had numerous gambling debts, but he always managed to pay them off quickly, thus ruling out any foul play on the part of those he owed, leading the team once again back to the hockey rink and a potential crime of passion. Luckily, Bones, Perrota and Booth find the spot on the ice where the victim was killed, along with an additional blood streak. Because their best hope to find the killer is to match the extra blood, this leads to a fun little hockey sequence where Booth and Wendell try to get players to bleed so that Wendell can secrete blood samples out to Bones. Unfortunately, this process turns up nothing. It does, however, get Booth knocked pretty hard on his head. So hard, in fact, that he starts hallucinating that he’s playing hockey with his favorite player, Lucky Luc Robitaile. Luc reiterates that Booth is, in fact, not his father. He urges Booth to stop looking where he’s looking and start looking at the team.

Wendell and Hodgins did get to have their own special Side Squint adventure trying to figure out why all of the fish in Carlson’s fishtank were belly up, but hadn’t eaten each other, as they would naturally do if not fed for days. In this protocol-breaking Side Squint adventure, they discover that the victim, who had severe gambling debts, hid jewelry cleaned in ammonia in his fishtank. All of the jewelry, it turns out, was claimed as damaged in a fire.

Heeding Lucky Luc’s words, Booth starts doing some old fashioned detective work and looks up the Firedawgs roster. He realizes that four of the Firedawgs played hockey together in high school. Taking his otherworldly sign into consideration with the evidence, he brings the three remaining Firedawgs in for questioning, and one of them nearly instantly confesses to killing his teammate, the very man who ruined his chances of ever going pro. I guess sometimes, when you’ve residually hated someone for ruining your life for so long, you really just need to stab them in the eye with a boot lacer.

I’d definitely call this one of Bones‘ weaker episodes. It was too light on policework and never fully realized either of the things it wanted to do with character development. I’ll accept Booth’s realization that he isn’t his father via his Lucky Luc fever dream, but only grudgingly. That scene is really just another way for Booth to continue to avoid confronting his past. This episode also tried to establish a bit of jealousy and possessiveness on Bones’ part, by introducing Agent Perrota, who was not shy about asking Booth if he was sleeping with Bones and also not shy about flirting with him. Yes, Bones is possessive of her partner, but that’s because she trusts him and knows they work well together. However, she’s also willing to let Perrota join their investigation because it’s the right thing to do. She follows the rules because they’re the rules. She would never do otherwise. Even in the end when Booth teaches her to skate down at the rink and she asks him how working the case with Perrota was, she asks because Booth hasn’t worked a case with an actual agent in a long time. It’s not because it’s another woman he might prefer to her, but that he might prefer actually working with someone trained in law enforcement, not science. She’s too logical to succumb to petty jealousy. Temperance Brennan just doesn’t work that way.

If they ever make The Cutting Edge 4, we totally have to audition.

If they ever make The Cutting Edge 4, we totally have to audition.

The Husband:

Yes, Perrota may be a good addition to the cast if she sticks around, but to me, actress Marisa Coughlan will always be the fearless comedienne who basically embarrassed herself several times in the completely despicable – but compulsively watchable – Tom Green film Freddy Got Fingered. I will never forget her role as the wheelchair-bound girl who, to paraphrase her, didn’t ever care about jewelry, because all she wanted to do was suck Tom Green’s cock.


The Wife:

The squints at the Jeffersonian were not the only ones who were happy to see the return of Dr. Zack Addy. I was, too.

As much as I love Intern of the Week (and I did love this week’s intern), I really miss Zack’s steadfast logic and actor Eric Milligan’s pitch-perfect deadpan intonation. It was good to see him back in this episode, even with the shaggy hair and the white plastic-y outfit and the foreboding black gloves that cover his mangled hands (now with 60% functionality!).

Zack seems to be enjoying his stay at the Looney Bin, where he gets to read whatever he wants and still refuses to admit that his actions taken in aiding the Gormogon killer (chiefly, killing a man) were wrong. He only regrets that he was overthrown by faulty logic, as he informs Sweets in their session at the show’s open. Zack gets regular visits from all of the squints, but especially Angela and Hodgins, the latter of whom leaves him with the file for this week’s case, in the hopes that Addy’s impeccably cogent mind will find something that everyone else may have missed.

The case itself involved a headless body hacked into 12 neat pieces (13, as Zack points out, if you count the missing head), submerged in a pool that turns purple when a good ol’ boy urinates in it. The body is eventually ID’d as that of Jacob Addison, a science fiction writer with severe OCD who was recently dropped from his publisher. Everything in Jared’s room at his mother’s house is neatly arranged, with action figures arranged by height and a closet full of custom-made red children’s shoes, under which he hides the racy photos of his much older girlfriend. Tracing the particulates found in the treads of Jacob’s shoes, Booth and Bones learn that he was at an organic flower shop just before his death – the one owned and operated by Jacob’s girlfriend and her son (who is also older than Jacob). Jacob, freed from his OCD’s through a new therapeutic technique that causes OCD sufferers to face their irrational fears head-on, had come to ask his girlfriend’s son for his blessing to marry his mother. This leads to the false arrest of the girlfriend’s son.

Dr. Addy escapes from the Looney Bin to solve the case.

Dr. Addy escapes from the Looney Bin to solve the case.

Then Dr. Addy shows up at the lab, after having escaped by swiping the metallic strip on Dr. Sweets’ keycard with that of his Looney Bin library card, to reveal the very detail that all the other squints had missed: everything at Jacob Addison’s house was arranged in groups of twelve. 12 potted plants in the yard. 12 books on each shelf. 12 belts inside the closet. Even the name Jacob Addison has twelve letters. Everything, Dr. Addy points out, except for the fountain in the middle of Mrs. Addison’s yard. After identifying that Mrs. Addison also suffered OCD, her particular patterns all being based on the number 12, the team posits that she killed her son because, by overcoming his OCD, he no longer fit into her patterns and wanted to start a new life. She suffered a psychotic break and killed her child, hesitating before cutting off the head and breaking her 12-step pattern. Surely enough, Booth and Bones dig up the fountain in Mrs. Addison’s yard to find Jacob’s severed head in a box carefully labeled with his name.

As Booth and Bones are out making the arrest, the rest of the team takes Zack out to their favorite diner and the team looks as happy as they used to be before Gormogon came into their lives and stole their best friend from them. Sweets waits outside the Looney Bin to return Zack to the facility without acknowledging his escape, and Booth warns Zack that the next time he helps solve a case, he has to call first rather than escaping. Sweets and Addy have a rehash of their first scene in this episode, where Sweets admits that Zack never seemed to fit the full profile of a killer. For the first time, Zack reveals that he wasn’t a killer, but that he took the fall for someone his Master had killed because, he posits, if the Master had asked him to kill, he would have done it. Sweets wants to call the team at the Jeffersonian and set the record straight, releasing Zack from the Looney Bin. Zack instead prefers to stay inside the institution, citing that he would still be incarcerated as an accessory to murder, even if he weren’t considered crazy, and that Hodgins assures him that he would not fare well in prison. Sadly, Zack cannot break his covenant of logic and remains institutionalized for a crime he did not commit and, as Sweets declares, cannot possibly know that he would have done it in the future.

Seriously, don't escape again, okay? It's freaking me out.

Seriously, don't escape again, okay? It's really freaking me out.

I’ll let my husband handle this Intern of the Week, but I’d like to point out that this is the second week in a row a former Veronica Mars actor has appeared on Bones. This week, it was Michael Terry as Intern Wendell Bray, a sweet-looking boy from working class South Boston. I’m glad all those hunky Neptune boys have somewhere to go.

The Husband:

And your interest in my man-bone is strictly antrhopological, correct?

And your interest in my man-bone is strictly anthropological, correct?

Intern of the Week:

Wendell Bray (Michael Grant Terry): 8.5

Pros: Down-to-earth, no-nonsense South Boston charm. Almost as talented as Dr. Zack Addy (but not quite) in the field of hard-to-find clues. Helped the case immensely with his knowledge of boxing. Friendly with Angela.

Cons: Easily confused. Easily angered and insulted. Too defensive. Thinks Bones wants his nuts (when her intentions were entirely anthropological). Won’t stop complaining about the debts he owes his South Boston kin who helped him pay for his education. So afraid of paying for said debt that in the future may make rash decisions and even potentially break the rules simply to stay as an employee.

Extra Awesome: We’re only four episodes into the new season, and Zack is already back in the lives of the Jeffersonian employees. Just like I said at the end of last season. Take that, cynical online talkbackers who said it would never happen!

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