The Wife:

Last night’s ANTM was full of some of the most confusing drama I’ve ever seen on a reality show. In the grand tradition of ANTM, it all seemed to spring up from a fateful evening in a hot tub. After being teased last week with Clark and Elina kissing in the hot tub, I was expecting some Shandi-level hot tub love to go down, combined, of course, with Sara and Kim’s cycle 5 limo kiss that turned into a full-on showmance. I did get that, for a brief second, but then Hannah pushed Isis and things got weird and out of control.

Hannah pushed Isis away from her in the hot tub, which Sheena and Brittany seemed to think was an affront to Isis as a transgendered person, when Hannah claims it was simply because she didn’t want her personal space violated. Last week, I wrote about Hannah and Clark’s private conversation about their discomfort with Isis because they had never met a transperson and how I was okay with that. I am still okay with that because I don’t believe Hannah pushed Isis away for any reason other than a violation of personal space. Sure, Hannah is gawky and awkward and has probably never seen a transperson or a person of color in her life (unless they’re of the Native Alaskan population) and she did say some awkward things (stereotyping herself as a typical white girl, and equating ethnicness with rap culture). However, this is a strange situation for her and she’s trying to adjust to a world outside of her own. But just because she hasn’t had much experience with persons different from herself does not mean she’s a racist. She simply hasn’t had exposure. Sheena and Brittany immediately assumed that Hannah pushed Isis away because she was trans, and then they brought in Joselyn and Nikeysha to the conversation, which effectively became all the women of color in the house ganging up on someone for an issue that wasn’t about them. Oddly enough, the one person of color who didn’t join in on the Hannah bashing? Isis.

Hannah had the most brilliant response I have ever heard when Joselyn, Nikeysha, Sheena and Brittany confronted her about being what they presume is prejudiced: “I have to go to sleep now, but thank you for critiquing me.” She then later confided in McKey that she felt having someone talk about her while she wasn’t in the room to defend herself was just mean, and then strangely likened it to gang rape and gang violence. I was all set to defend Hannah until that point, but now I’m just confused because I really don’t know what she means by that statement. Is there are lot of gang rape in Alaska that I don’t know about? Or is this just another one of her odd statements that ultimately don’t make a lot of sense?

Isis was definitely the star of this conflict for staying away from the drama and going off to take her hormones instead, and Analeigh gets a gold star, too, for hanging out with her while she took her shots and distracting her with silly animal faces. I hope there’s someone doing an animal impression every single week for this entire season. They really make my night.

The challenge this week was a posing challenge with Benny Ninja and an Aussie contortionist, who made the girls pose in mesh cocoons to practice before their big accessory pose-off with Tarina Tarantino, the only Italian Harajuku girl I’ve ever seen. Sheena got blasted for being – what else? – too hooch, and Elina won for being so classy and so, so hot. The girls were then asked to put their Ninja posing skills to the test in a photoshoot that involved hanging from the ladder of a hot air balloon in billowy dresses, heels and crazy makeup. Sheena got blasted in this challenge, too, for doing a pose where she hung from the ladder without using her legs or arms. To wit,

“If you can hold on to a rope ladder without using your arms and legs, there’s a problem.” –Mr. Jay


“Buttcheeks are typically not the best thing to hold on to a ladder with.” –Mr. Jay.

Sheena, auditioning for the cooch tent at the local carnival.

Sheena, auditioning for the cooch tent at the local carnival.

Oh, Mr. Jay, I beg to differ. I bet Sheena can get a great circus job with her impressive buttcheeks. And really, in a shoot where you’re dangling from a rope ladder in front of a ferris wheel, don’t you want something a little carnivalesque? I would.

Props to the stylists for this challenge for keeping McKey hot in green, and transforming my darling Marjorie into a ’60s love goddess with platinum extensions. Maybe they’re the ones who talked Miss J into doing the most sane model counting system he has ever done: the numeral necklace. It’s so much less cumbersome than his velcro jacket, the flower brooches, the ruffles, the series of afros and the myriad other weird things I can no longer remember. Plus, I think he could conceivably wear that number necklace on the street and rock it.

At panel, Nikeysha was picked on for being too skinny, which prompted Miss J to say something totally racist and stereotypical to her, suggesting she eat herself some fried chicken and follow it up with a watermelon shot. That was definitely more racist/stereotypical than Hannah saying she doesn’t like to be around people who are too sexually forward, and associating that with the hip hop culture. Sheena, apparently, embodies those exact stereotypes, as the panel seems to think she’s “too hooch” and called her out for her big fake boobies. Poor, poor Sheena. She shouldn’t have been called out for that. It’s no different to have that kind of body augmentation than it is to have piercings or tattoos or a fake tan or lid lifts and lip injections. It’s all something you have to work with to conceal in a picture, and I’m sure Paulina, her accuser, has had a lot of work done to her face. Hi, Pot, have you met the kettle?

Callouts: Lauren Brie, Elina, Joselyn, Marjoria, McKey, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittany and Analeigh, leaving Isis and Nikeysha in our bottom two. Isis got the pass this week in the hopes that she improves her wardrobe and learns to dress “more like a model.” I’m sure she will, but, really, for her whole life, she’s just wanted to be a normal girl. Give her a break and let her wear horrible shorts and T-shirts sometimes, okay? Nikeysha rightfully went home to be an anesthesiologist, because she can’t learn to shut the fuck up, and Tyra does not like it when you talk more than her.

Nikeysha, fainting for lack of fried chicken and watermelon shots.

Nikeysha, fainting for lack of fried chicken and watermelon shots.

The Husband:

I think my wife covered more than enough recap for the latest in the ANTM universe, so I’ll instead run through a few points.

1.) I noticed while setting up the DVR for this week’s Project Runway due to a scheduling conflict and amusing myself with Comcast’s new addition of TV ratings explanations for most new programs that ANTM has forsaken me. Why? The episode title. “The Ladder of Model Success.” Why is this a problem?

Because every episode of ANTM is titled thusly: “The Girl Who [Blank]” or “The Girls Who [Blank]” and just filled in what happened. Every episode. It’s like how Friends titled all episodes “The One Where [Blank].” I’ve always had an internal “what?” moment during the show, seeing it as a minor problem Tyra refers to these women as “girls” with the episodes titles following this trend.

But it also helped me identify episodes so easily. When catching one of the thousands of ANTM marathons on MTV or VH1, I know exactly what I’m getting and what to look forward to. Yeah, “The Ladder of Model Success” is clever enough to get me to remember the air balloon/rope ladder challenge, but it’s not nearly as evocative as, say, “The Girl Who Kissed the Roach.” We all know what season that is, and we all know which “girl” kissed the roach. We also remember who freaked out about the roach challenge in the first place.

Blam, blam and blam.

IMDB informs me that this change in titles started with season 10, the second season on the CW – or the “Cwuh?” – so I don’t know if it’s a conscious change brought about by the network or just Tyra/the writers getting bored.

2.) I find McKey to be a very cumbersome name, and so far I’ve been having trouble remembering it. It’s not a bad name by any means, but since she was one of the two Brittanys who had to change her name so as not to confuse themselves with the other Brittany, it’s 100% arbitrary so far.

So, basically, any M name other than Marjorie will let me know it’s her, and I will thusly refer to her as such. Mylar. Mukluk. Mudblood. I don’t know. It’s equally arbitrary.

Mmmmmm . . . that should totally be this chicks name.

Mmmmmm . . . that should totally be this chick's name.

“Yeah, you know, that redhead…the gorgeous cage fighter…the, hot white one…you know…Mulroney…MacDougal…Mimzy…”

3.) I hate that whenever Marjorie is the focus of a segment, they play some French accordion music. Yeah, because all French people love that old time accordion music! Get down! Shit! Why not go all the way and have some guy with an accent go “Haw hawww hawwwwww! Bastille Day! Zut alore! Baguette!”

Marjorie starring in Bob Merrills Carnival.

Marjorie starring in Bob Merrill's Carnival.

Or something like this: