The Wife:

Alas, it seems that after much speculation between my husband and myself, as well as by Popwatch readers, that so far the only plot concerning the musical production of Spring Awakening at West Beverly High could pretty much be about any fucking musical and that the 90210 producers just really, really want to be hip and current and align themselves with an award winning cultural product. (Let’s face it, 90210 isn’t going to be getting any kind of awards from anyone at this point.)

I think my crotch is on fire! No, no, honey, thats just the crabs.

"We've all got our junk . . ." "And my junk is you."

My husband pointed out last week how annoyed he was with the product placement on this show, and during this episode it really began to irk me too. For example, in a scene where Silver and Dixon are driving in Silver’s convertible to school, the Saturn logo is prominently placed on the backseat. Oh, really? You drive a Saturn? I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise! I can’t reasonably believe that Saturn would do that to the interior of their cars. The logos are supposed to go on the outside, silly, where other drivers can see them and envy your Saturn Sky Roadster . . . not on the inside where whoever is riding bitch in the backseat has to feel the cold oppression of capitalism on their back as they joyride through BevHills.

Speaking of Saturn, I think this show and the entire Bravo network might have the same sponsors, as I know Saturn is a major sponsor of Project Runway. I began to grow particularly suspicious when Naomi’s mother mentioned that they had reservations at Craft. Chef Tom Collichio’s restaurant. You know, Chef Tom Collichio, from Bravo’s Top Chef. All I can say is that if they go there in another episode, they better damn well sit at the chef’s table that the minions from Bravo’s Top Design Season 1 had to create for Chef Collichio’s Craft.

I’m sure that this is how 90210 believes its keep itself on the cultural pulse, but there’s a way to do that without being so overt. Gossip Girl does it through contemporary high fashion. Gossip Girl invents looks and therefore makes itself a cultural icon. 90210 is just trying so hard that it’s losing sight of how to do that. And it keeps putting Naomi in these ungodly denim numbers. I can’t believe that someone so wealthy who throws a birthday party like the birthday party she threw would wear so many things that look cheaper than the cheapest Baby Phat designs. I just don’t understand it. But maybe the costumers and set dressers were just too preoccupied with figuring out how to sew on a Saturn logo plate to realize that their other work needed more attention.

The only thing I enjoyed about this episode was seeing so much of crazy, crazy Nana Wilson. I want Jessica Walter to star in a production of Spring Awakening all by herself. I would pay good money for that. Anyone who gives advice such as,

“You gotta sing like your privates are on fire!”

is a woman I want to have around me 24/7.

I dont see nearly enough fire crotches!

I don't see nearly enough fire crotches!

The Husband:

This was definitely the best episode or 90210 so far, something I noticed when partway through the episode I checked the running time and found that 45 minutes had just flown by. This wouldn’t be especially noticeable or even noteworthy for most shows, but the first two episodes felt nearly endless to me. At least to me, this speediness means that the characters are settling into a good rhythm, and that my mind is anticipating the next stage in the lives of these still-pretty-paper-thin characters. I am curious about Naomi’s revelation to her mother that her father’s lover is moving to L.A. and into their beach house. I am curious to see how Annie is going to juggle two men vying for her affection, especially if she actually considers showing some actual emotion within the storyline. I am curious about Silver’s unexpected kindness to Naomi’s plight regarding her father’s infidelity and the gossip blog.

What I am not curious about at all is the discovery of who Kelly Taylor’s baby daddy is. I know I’m going to get a bit of flack because of this because you fans of the original Beverly Hills 90210 show are more insane than Whedonites, but I simply do not give a shit. Kelly’s only relation to the main cast is being Silver’s sister and as a guidance counselor and potential lover to teacher Ryan Matthews, and that’s how it should stay. Even if she’s the worst guidance counselor ever with the most obnoxious voice – which she is, on both counts – I would accept her into this world.

I know that all you TOS fans squealed in unison when we found out that Dylan is the father of Kelly’s four-year-old. I get that. Me? I didn’t watch the original show. I’m watching this one. I’m a new viewer, the kind of person The CW wants to hold onto to support this program. Whenever this show reverts to showing some washed-up actresses – Shannon Doherty included – reminiscing about something that happened 15 years earlier on an entirely different network, my eyes glaze over. These stories are completely outside the realm of the new show, and it’s just fan service of the worst kind. If they played it up ironically, then maybe I’d be amused. But it’s not, and I’m not.

Did somebody call for a washed-up actress?

Did somebody call for a washed-up actress?

Quick note: I almost asked myself a very stupid question last night, which was “Why isn’t Aaron Spelling’s name attached to this show?” Then my brain said, “Uh…he dead. Idiot.” Then I realized I don’t think I had ever seen any of the shows or films he produced, with the exception of Soapdish and Three O’Clock High. Then I felt bad. Thanks, brain…