The Wife:

So, it seems that the CW owes me a writing job per my bet with myself and my readers. Annie did indeed get thrown into the lead role of Wendla in West Beverly Hills High’s production of Spring Awakening because Adriana was missing too many rehearsals due to a combination of drug addiction and being a cash cow for her stage mom. I was wrong about the whole School Board getting involved angle, though. I guess their lack of concern over a show with mature, controversial themes makes sense in a town that seems to give up absolutely anything for money and fame because, hey, getting agents and producers to come to your high school musical is just another way of showing concern for your students’ Hollywood dreams.

I’m waiting for your call, CW. I’d also be willing to write cue cards for Top Model, if you’d prefer.

Hooray! We put on a musical version of a once-banned play with nary a scrape! Lets all go get ice cream and have sex!

Hooray! We put on a musical version of a once-banned play with nary a scrape! Let's all go get ice cream and have sex!

That aside, this episode tried really hard to create drama within the drama club, and it made me a little nostalgic for the insanity that is high school theatre. While filling in for Adriana at dress rehearsal, Annie’s dad catches her making out backstage with Ty Collins, who evidently is playing Melchior in this production. Annie apparently has a history of falling for her leading men. Frankly, who doesn’t? There’s a certain amount of actual affection that becomes of spending day after day playing at loving someone. Most of us just got to kiss our scene partners (and techies and whoever else was backstage), but Annie gets to fake copulate with her scene partner, which apparently inspires her to take the (ineffective) condom her brother has been keeping in his wallet for four years and set off to the after party at the Roosevelt Hotel to have sex with a guy she barely knows and only really seemed to start liking a week ago.

Oh, Melchior, I will absolutely let you impregnate me and force me into having a life-threatening back-alley abortion.

Oh, Melchior, I will absolutely let you impregnate me and force me into having a life-threatening back-alley abortion.

This decision comes only so shortly after discussing with Silver that she’s waiting for the right guy to have sex with, being chided by Naomi for not getting it on right away, like Naomi and Ethan did, and apparently not realizing that everyone who does high school theatre goes to the cast party to fuck, or otherwise release sexual tension. (This is true in real life, too.) Mom and Pops Wilson obviously object to Annie going to the cast party at the Roosevelt Hotel, which Pops Wilson thinks seems like too fancy a place (not to mention it being a place with beds):

“Isn’t the whole spirit of theatre camaraderie in the face of starvation and poverty?”

Yes, Principal Wilson, it is. But not in Beverly Hills. Luckily for Pops Wilson, Annie’s sex plans are thwarted when dejected and drugged-out Adriana sees her with Ethan, fumbling over her dropped condom as Ethan warns Annie to not have sex with Ty Collins. (Like Chuck Bass, he is a two-namer.) Adriana races to the Roosevelt and drops in on Ty Collins before Annie arrives, half-heartedly praising the show she wasn’t in by declaring that Ty Collins and Annie had the right kind of sexual chemistry onstage with a line that I thought was wickedly hilarious:

“I’d give you an ‘A’ in both theatre and chemistry.”

And Id give you an A in being a coke whore.

And I'd give you an 'A' in being a coke whore.

When poor Annie arrives at Ty Collin’s room, she discovers Adriana in a towel, who claims that the lothario had double booked his sex appointments, pointing to the running shower as evidence that he was rinsing off the remnants of his tryst with Adriana. Annie, mortified, runs from the Roosevelt crying to Ethan and Naomi. Meanwhile, Adriana turns off the empty shower. I love this crazy, crazy bitch.

As for the other WestBev kids, Silver is evidently the stage manager for WestBev drama and her hotheadedness causes her to lose her lightboard operator on the day of the show, making him officially the worst techie ever. Lovestruck Dixon takes the job and flirts with Silver over headsets during the show, proving eerily similar to a script I wrote back when my husband and I first met, which was about a lighting designer falling in love with an actress over a headset she steals from the costume department. Seriously, CW, please pay me for these ideas, okay? I’d even be willing to do it for no pay if you agreed to produce a Veronica Mars miniseries based on Rob Thomas’ Veronica: Fed concept. Just think about it, okay? As Silver and Dixon’s relationship progresses, we learn that Dixon likes Silver because she’s bossy and “a big pot of mean . . . a hot seething pot of mean,” and that Silver isn’t willing to have sex with him just yet.

Im the stage manager? Does that mean I have to do something other than wear black?

I'm the stage manager? Does that mean I have to do something other than wear black?

Naomi Clark, on the other hand, is dealing with a depressed mother and failing schemes to get her parents back together. I’m no longer interested in this storyline, as it never really seems to go anywhere. Although I do think that AnneLynne McCord and Christine Moore (Tracy Clark) are another good pair as far as mother-daughter casting is concerned. I really believe they could be related. It’s also comforting to know that Mr. and Mrs. Clark really like to hate-fuck each other, but don’t actually like each other at all. Or their daughter, evidently.

So, you see, CW, if you paid me, I bet I could fix that Clark family plot and make it more interesting.

In the meantime, though, I’d like to thank you for paying for the rights to get one more Spring Awakening song in this episode. I’m glad I won’t have to hear “Mama” anymore, because, as pretty as it is, I really wanted to shoot myself after hearing it a total of 10 times on your show so far. So thanks for paying for “The Bitch of Living.” That was a nice treat.

The Husband:

I, too, am kind of done with Naomi Clark for now. Come on, writers. She was supposed to be the bitch, but you’ve completely defanged her in less than six episodes. I know that your whole concept – or, at least the one you claimed in that Entertainment Weekly article to be striving toward – that you wanted to mess with story and character conventions and show that nobody is ever who they seem. Unfortunately so far, everyone on the show is who they seem, and are the same people they were in the pilot. Naomi is the only one you’ve applied this concept toward, and it’s unbalanced.

In the pilot, Naomi was cruel, vicious and vindictive. That was fun. McCord is good at that. Nip/Tuck proved that she’s great at being a villain, one that you love to hate. (And not just hate. I’m looking at you, Oliver from s1 of The O.C.) But now she’s just a whiney high school girl, just like everybody else on the show that isn’t named Silver. (And even she could stand to complain a little less.) Naomi’s downfall came too soon in the series to matter dramatically as far as her relationship with Ethan is concerned, so right now she garners no sympathy from me. Just pity. And nobody likes a pity party. You just have to pick up your beans and keep on rolling.

Naomi’s claws need to come out again, because God knows this show needs some better conflict and not just rich people dicking around.