The Wife:

You know how I said weeks ago that I liked where this season is going in terms of creating organic drama? Well, it seems that now we’re back to the same stagnant bitching that has dominated the Top Model house for the past few cycles. I’m bored. We all knew Marjorie was a bundle of nerves with a lot of self-doubt and that Samantha was an overconfident troll doll. This is not news. You know what it also isn’t? Dramatic.

So let’s cut straight to the girls once again trying to figure out a painfully obvious Tyra Mail. Every week, the fact that most of the girls cannot figure out what these incredibly simple missives mean makes my heart cry a little bit. Thank God Elina’s around to play Captain Obvious for the rest of the lot.

The girls met Paulina in an abandoned warehouse with a cool elevator carrel to put on ill-fitting catalogue clothes and find ways to make it look like they fit better. The girls were given ludicrous pink hard hats and fabulous pink toolbelts filled with clips, hair-ties, water bottles and tape to help them facilitate the challenge. In the end, McKey won for shoving waterbottles down her butt and clipping the back of her pants to make the legs look skinny from the front. I’m not surprised, actually, that she won. As the tallest one of the bunch, I’m sure McKey has spent a lot of her life trying to make things fit her rockin’ giantess body. Life sucks when you’re that tall. At least short people can shop in petites.

At the challenge, Marjorie’s nerves got the best of her and she freaked out beside a pole. Paulina totally understood what was up and tried to explain to the other modelettes that Marjorie’s low self-esteem was a result of growing up in Europe, where children aren’t raised with the brash self-centeredness of American children and therefore doubt themselves more. This might be true. I wouldn’t really know because I’m a native Californian and I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted in my life by being confident and going out and getting it! I’m fucking awesome! Worldview aside, reality shows do eat away at people, so I don’t blame my darling Marjorie one bit for letting her nerves get the best of her in the house. Know why? Because she manages to turn it out, even when she’s lacking confidence, when it really counts.

The next Tyra Mail revealed the nature of the photoshoot, wherein the girls would be representing natural disasters that affect Los Angeles. (See? I’m awesome! I make puns!) They showed up at the shoot to find Mr. Jay ravaging a miniature city in a monster costume worthy of those found in the Joss Whedon Universe. It was, however, a little odd that he didn’t get to rip off his face makeup to explain the nature of the challenge, mean that Monster Jay was talking about being beautiful while being a walking disaster. It was odd. I mean, I expect talking monster men on Buffy and Angel, but not on ANTM.

Elina smash your gas-guzzling cars!

Elina smash your gas-guzzling cars!

Photographer Brian Edwards shot the girls in 1960’s garb (for some inexplicable reason) destroying the shit out of Los Angeles. Elina broke the Richter scale as a sexy earthquake, Sheena blew us away as a sandstorm, Clark downed some powerlines as a blackout, Lauren Brie was a slightly retarded-looking snowstorm, Joslyn was the least threatening rockslide in the world, Analeigh was the Santa Ana Winds, McKey rightly portrayed a heatwave, Samantha was a tidal wave of vapidness and Marjorie stopped traffic.

Obviously, this shoot has a few things wrong with it. First of all, you can’t call it a natural disaster shoot and include blackouts and traffic jams. Those things are caused by man. Secondly, neither the Santa Ana Winds nor a heatwave are actually disastrous. They mostly just kind of suck. Sure, the Santa Anas can causes fires, but they’re not the disaster, the fires are. Finally, when you limit the parameters to “things that affect Los Angeles” then we’ve clearly got to knock snowstorm out of the running. Mammoth Mountain may be in L.A. County, but it is damn well not in Los Angeles proper. It doesn’t snow in L.A., unless you’re on a Hollywood backlot.

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand. Hold me closer, tiny dancer!

Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand. Hold me closer, tiny dancer!

As for Tyra’s picture, I once again cannot figure out how it’s related to the challenge. Can one of you tell me what this means?

Panel was really strange this week, with Miss J making up words like “exqueegit” and Paulina and Tyra riffing on brie and ham as though they both really wanted to share a croque monsieur. It did, however, provide me with some excellent quotes:

  • “You have this slightly mean look like, ‘I will destroy.'” – Paulina, on Elina’s photograph.
  • “I will announce which one of you is a disaster and tell her to go home.” –Tyra
  • “I feel Clark is a mediocre kind of good.” –Tyra
Omigod! Did you realize water is wet? Id never noticed before!

Omigod! Did you realize water is wet? I'd never noticed before!

Callouts: Samantha, Analeigh, KcKey, Elina, Marjorie, Lauren Brie and Sheena, leaving Joslyn and Clark in the bottom two. Joslyn started strong but, like Isis, fell lower and lower each week. Clark had a lucky week last week (since her awful nose didn’t have to be in the picture) but did mediocre work every other week. Ultimately, Tyra saw more potential in Joslyn and sent Clark, our resident bitch, home.

I hate Clark and think she’s basically worthless, so it was awesome to see her taken down a peg or eight and be sent packing this week. However, I now worry that the house will be entirely conflict free and become totally boring. I almost wish we had Hannalaska back to be quirky and delightfully racist. Where is Lisa D’Amato from Cycle 5? Or even unhinged Lauren from Cycle 10? Or Eva the Diva from Cycle 3? Or crazy, crazy Jade from Cycle 6? I will take any of those crazy bitches over what I’ve currently got. Jade needs to bust up in the house and reminded everyone that the show’s not called America’s Next Top Best Friend.

The Husband:

Clark, you had the easiest “natural disaster” task ever, and your lack of acting/performance prowess is what got you the boot. Here’s how you portray a “blackout” while still looking hot and sexy: you put your back up against a very tall building, flail your arms out a bit, and just lean into it. You can still do any goddamn thing with your face that you want, but no, you had to be a dumbass.

The only thing blacked out in this picture is Clarks cooch.

The only thing blacked out in this picture is Clark's cooch.

I also personally think that Sheena’s photo was the best, not just her but the entire photo itself. It is magazine-ready, so for her photo to be called third from last was totally wrong and, if it was meant to scare her, completely unnecessary.

Marjorie does have to find a balance between asking and using judge/photographer critique and being an all-out nervous mess, because European or not, nobody wants a pity party? (What’s that about pity parties, Hannalaska?) I want her to win. I truly do. But modeling is acting, so get up there and act like you’re the most confident woman in the world, and all dem other bitches in the house don’t know shit.

NOTE: The CW has failed me. They did not put up any photo galleries on their horrible website,, for this week’s ANTM. This both saddens and angers me. Especially because JUST NOW I found out that they’ve had a Tyra gallery all along, meaning I could have showed you every single one of her weird Puerto Rican Sophia Lauren photos! Damn, you, CW!

Thanks to BuddyTV for actually having these photographs. I’ll buy you guys coffee or something. –The Wife