The Wife:

On this week’s House, our favorite curmudgeonly diagnostician continued using his new best friend Lucas to dig up dirt on his team and on Cuddy.

The patient of the week is Breckin Meyer, playing a starving artist named Brandon who begins to suffer from visual agnosia, which gives him distorted perception, rendering his artwork to be like that of so many bad Picasso imitations. This is pretty much what I would have expected, because when I think Breckin Meyer, I do not think “great artist.” I think, “Hey, that’s the guy who played Jon Arbuckle in the live-action Garfield movies.”

Why you don't hire Breckin Meyer to play an artist.

Why you don't hire Breckin Meyer to play an artist.


In investigating the cause of Brandon’s visual agnosia, House plays mind games with his team, dropping bits of information that Lucas has uncovered about them:

  • Thirteen paid 12% interest on a car loan.
  • Kutner once crawled for twenty miles, setting a world record and getting his name in the Guinness Book
  • Taub’s wife has a secret bank account with close to $100K in it, all accumulated in cash deposits made once a week.

Thirteen suggests that drugs may be the cause of Brandon’s visual agnosia, citing all the messed-up artists she’s known in her hedonistic bisexual glory days. House at first writes her off as a moron because ERs test for drugs (and because 12% interest on a loan is a really stupid deal), but later realizes she was right: Brandon has been making extra money in order to impress his super-hot girlfriend (Marika Dominczyk, who played Bernadette the stock-room girl in The 40 Year-Old Virgin) by participating in clinical trials – sometimes for up to three drugs at once.

I knew I shouldn't have taken that Bisexadrine . . .

I knew I shouldn't have taken that Bisexadrine . . .

As the team discusses just which drugs Brandon may have been on recently, House cleverly injects each trial drug (which has a made-up name in trials, anyway) with a name that reflects each the new facts he’s learned about his team: Bisexadrine, Cuckoldasol and Worldsauruskneesasil.

House weans Brandon off the various drugs he’s been taking only to reintroduce each one independently into his system in order to judge which one is the cause of his visual agnosia. Taub’s suggestion about a former toxin being stored in Brandon’s fat cells that is only now being released due to weight loss leads Taub to discover a warehouse full of Brandon’s unsold old paintings. Every other month, his paintings display distorted perception, leading to the revelation that the cause of Brandon’s visual impairments is indeed drug-related. House realizes that the intermittence of distorted perception is probably because some undigested pills have become trapped in a beazor (a sort of hairball for people) in Brandon’s stomach, occasionally releasing little bits of toxins into his blood stream and causing negative reactions with his other drugs when he’s taking them, thus warping his perception of the world, leading to some very upset portrait subjects and a very confused Thirteen and Taub when Brandon insists that they don’t appear to be the same people. (Seriously, Breckin Meyer-vision is weird.)

Not Taub and Not Hadley are not your real doctors.

Not Taub and Not Hadley are not your real doctors.

Taub’s insecurities about his marriage worked their way into this case. As House reveals Mrs. Taub’s secret bank account, it leads Taub to believe that his wife may be having an affair, which worries him because it points out his own former infidelities. Taub cannot decide if he should confront his wife about this, but realizes he must after he sees that Brandon was so hesitant to reveal to his girlfriend that he wasn’t a successful artist, thinking, of course, that a catch like Heather wouldn’t want to be with a douche like him if he weren’t wealthy. Taub decides to ask his wife about the secret account. She tells him that he just ruined his own surprise, as she had been saving up the money over the years so she could buy her doctor husband his dream car, knowing that he’d be working so diligently that he would never do it himself. (Aww, she loves that cheating douchebag.) When presented with his gift, Taub realizes that he needs to confess everything to his wife. I’m sure we’ll see how that turns out next week.

As for medical gobbeldygook this week, I’m glad I got two emergency tracheotomies in a row and that beazor illustration was freakin’ sweet. I need more disgusting visuals of people’s insides on this show. Because I don’t even get those on Discovery Channel’s Mystery ER, which is exactly like House, but without characters or good acting. I expect disgusting visuals on a medical show, and someone needs to give them to me.

The Husband:

I have no idea why. Maybe it was because it was our first time seeing Mini-Stud in his own habitat. Maybe it was just that Peter Jacobson (the actor who played Mini-Stud) and whoever played his wife really rehearsed the shit out of their first scene together. I don’t know. But when Mini-Stud confronts his wife about her bank account is probably my favorite scene this show has had for a very long time. I don’t know why. It’s not even that original. He thought she was having an affair, he felt guilt for his own affair, he confronted her about the account, then she tells him she was buying him a car. See? Simple. What the hell is going on in my brain?

I just think it was played extremely well, and as for an insight into Mini-Stud’s life, very revealing. The creepy muted greys of his house. The hushed way the couple talk to each other. It just actually had real emotion, something that this show doesn’t show very often. Usually, the show works in very broad emotions of anger, sadness and humor, but this scene seemed like almost a different show. A show I could potentially enjoy more.

Surprise! I totally don't deserve this car because I cheated on you!

Surprise! I totally don't deserve this car because I cheated on you!

On a lighter note, I really dig that Lucas and House are both nearly tearing themselves apart for just a little bit of Cuddy’s affection, sort of a never-touch love triangle. It’s a nice, sweet story with the potential for a very dark future, and if we’re going to have any of the original cast have the most screentime, I’m glad it’s Cuddy. (Sorry, Omar Epps, I know that because of Mekhi Phifer’s death on ER last week that you and Taye Diggs are now the sole young black network TV doctors, but I’d like maybe a little more acting out of you.)

Still, the Cuddy affection-fighting really tickles me, because no matter how good actress Lisa Edelstein is on this show or in movies (especially Keeping The Faith) or how much I hear that she was once a very popular New York party girl, she will always by Cindy McCauliff, the transgender woman on Ally McBeal who Richard Fish was in love with until he found out she had a penis. Keep that in your mind when you watch Dr. House and Cuddy flirt. It gives the scene a whole new energy.

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