The Husband:

Here it is, the first episode of Privileged that fell a bit flat for me, and I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

Actually, that’s not true. I can definitely put my finger on it. I just like stating the proximity of my finger in correlation to “things.” (Huh?)

The central plot – as in the one referenced in the episodes title – involved nothing less than the Baker’s main source of income, grandmother Laurel’s empire of Limoges Cosmetics. Desperate to find a youthful representative for her cosmetics line, Laurel takes Megan’s suggestion that she should hire her very own granddaughters to be the face of the company and participate in photo shoots. Why would Megan suggest this? Because while attending what she thought would be a very nice Baker family dinner, she notices that there is no connection between the Bakers at all, then on either side of a very long table on their respective laptops and Sidekicks.

But Megan immediately regrets the decision when she discovers that in order to be involves with Limoges, the girls will have to do photo shoots and press conferences around the world for the next four weeks, which without question makes Megan’s life as their tutor extremely difficult. Confronting Laurel on the issue, Megan is torn to shreds by the Baker matriarch for not doing her job around their schedule and for attempting to take credit for the idea to use Sage and Rose for the cosmetics line (which was her idea, but that’s beside the point with Laurel).

“She went all Mommie Dearest on me.”

I’m glad that Megan was able to stand up for herself, but all it did was nearly get her fired. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on which character you are) the test photo shoot they do at the house becomes a disaster when the family’s disconnect comes across painfully clearly through the camera, a camera wielded by none other than ANTM’s Nigel Barker. (A wise one, Barker quickly realizes that no matter how talented he is, his camera never lies.) Laurel tells Megan to forward the bad news to the girls, but not before lightening up regarding her earlier extreme bitchiness, confessing that for so long that whenever she looked at Sage or Rose, all she ever saw was her dead daughter, and when she finally got over that the teens were too old to give a shit about her anymore.

If Tyra were here, shed be telling you all to smile with your eyes!

If Tyra were here, she'd be telling you all to smile with your eyes!

Megan goes to tell the girls the bad news, to which Sage explodes in an emotional tirade, blaming Megan for their shortcomings (don’t know where she got that idea, but okay) and Laurel for being such a pushover.

There’s something I have to address about certain shows and their respective characters. Sage is joining the ranks of a few very horrible people on television who know no filter to their Blairitude and say awful, unforgivable things with such menace that they override any of their redeeming qualities. This is true of Blair on Gossip Girl most of the time (hence me calling it Blairitude, obviously), as well as Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Seriously, I’m not a violent person, but if anybody talked to me the way these characters talk to their friends and loved ones (Campbell, don’t throw your wife’s fucking turkey dinner out the balcony without being prepared to face the consequences), I would not hesitate to slug them. They’re that obnoxious sometimes, and I definitely expected more from Megan than to just stand there at take it. (Luckily, Rose was there to be the sweet girl she is and calm her down.)

In the B-story, Megan struggles with the fact that hottie headmaster Jacob Cassidy is now referring to what they do as being a couple, which only gets more confusing when one of his exes comes into town for a few days and takes up most of his attention. She settles upon learning that he has no feelings for this ex, Emily, but then flips the script when she discovers that Rose and Sage know this mysterious Emily. How? Because she was a senior at their school the year before. Furious that Jacob would date a student, she breaks it off with him in his office just before a half-naked Emily can come out of the closet and reveal that, if anything, Jacob had a whole lot of feelings for his ex. (Or, really, one really big feeling.)

She reveals her breakup to best friend Charlie, but it’s too late, for he is trying to kill his longtime crush on her by avoiding Megan at all costs as well as accepting a date to a Jack Johnson concert (seriously, do all Floridians like this musical toolbelt?) from crab shack coworker. Thus, Megan is left alone with advice-giving gay personal chef Marco at the low-rent dinner she planned in order to regain friendly contact with Charlie, complete with a chili dog and a bowl of tater tots. Sadness.

There was really nothing wrong with the episode, but there wasn’t a great deal of right, either. Every bit of information (other than the breakup with headmaster Jacob) had a been-there-seen-that air about it, and there was pretty much no forward momentum for any of the stories. Sage is still a stuck-up bitch, Laurel still has no idea how to act like a respectful human being, Charlie is still pissed at Megan for her recent self-centered attitude and Megan can’t seem to juggle all of the aspects of her life without at least dropping a couple balls. (That sounds dirty.) It seems that from the promo for next week, though, I will have my wish, centering on a Baker-thrown dinner involving everyone plus Megan’s estranged sister as well as her father, who so far doesn’t know his daughter is even back in Florida yet.

At least we can pretent were perfect!

At least we can pretend we're perfect!