The Wife:

Tyra must have realized how awesome last year’s The Amazing Race episode in Amsterdam was, because she and the folks at Bankable Productions made the models hotfoot it around Amsterdam the minute they arrive in an effort to “get to know the city” and “find their house.” Samantha paired up with her mortal enemy Elina, a pairing which proved quite vital as the two girls managed to find their new Amsterdam home first and therefore won 25 extra frames a piece in the upcoming photoshoot. Analeigh paired up with her BFF Marjorie for a second place finish and McKey paired up with Sheena, who was so excited about making it to the house first that she was crushed with Dutch model Daphne Deckers (and host of Holland’s Next Top Model) told her she was last. Luckily for Sheena and McKey, there’s no chance of being Phileminated on this show. I do wish, however, that instead of getting to know the public transportation system in Amsterdam (which, by the way, has very cool light rail trains), Tyra had just gone ahead and cribbed the entirety of the TAR Amsterdam episode and had the models find specially marked bicycles amid the throngs of bicycles and ride them to distant locations, or possibly even have the models hoist furniture into their new apartment using a system of pulleys. Hey, if tiny little Rachel of TAR winners Rachel and TJ can do it, I’m damn sure Hunchback of Notre Dame Marjorie can throw her awkward weight into the challenge and pull out ahead.

In the house, all of their girls except for McKey and Samantha the Retarded Troll Doll decide to take a bath together, which Samantha refers to as a lesbian act and McKey refers to as a “vajayjay shaving party.” Rather than bonding naked with their housemates, Sam and McKey sulk under their respective covers. Frankly, that bath couldn’t have been anywhere near as gay as the hottub moment when Elina made out with Clark. Jesus, ladies, you’re in Europe! Pretend you’re at a bathhouse and just enjoy some relaxing sudsing time with some other attractive women!

Other house moments include:

  • Samantha actually wearing her hair in a ponytail jutting from the top of her head, thus making her actually look like a retarded troll doll. (It’s like she’s been reading my mind!)
  • Sheena in her awful pants commenting on the Tyra Post being non-digital (and in a pair of clogs!) as “old school,” which freaked me out because I had that exact thought, thus meaning Sheena and I are evidently on the same sort of wavelength. That scares me.
  • Elina commenting on how much Amsterdam reminds her of Ukraine, prompting Samantha in the diary room to comment that if Elina loves Amsterdam so much, she should just compete for Holland’s Next Top Model and get the hell out of this competition. This is a helpful suggestion, but I can foresee the fact that Elina doesn’t speak Dutch (that I know of) to be a problem.

The next day, the models head off to the Red Light District where the head of Red Light Fashion Amsterdam tells the girls about the fashion shows he puts on in brothel windows, to celebrate Amsterdam’s rich history of legalized prostitution, and probably to play with the idea that women in those windows are selling their bodies, but models, with their bodies, are selling clothes! It’s deep, everyone!

The girls once again team up, this time Elina pairs with Analeigh, Sheena with Marjorie and Samantha with McKey, which is appropriate, because they’re apparently on the same team these days. (I still want you, McKey, but I would like you better if you stopped being friends with Samantha.) Elina and Analeigh were paired with designer Jan, whose collection was about creating romantic silhouettes and jackets that women could wear while riding horses. I didn’t see any jackets in his window collection, but whatever, I’ll assume they exist somewhere. Analeigh had trouble posing in her big pouffy dress that kept getting caught in the sparkly mcdangly things hanging from the ceiling. Elina, on the other hand, was loved by Miss J and the designers, who found her to be very high fashion. Sheena and Marjorie were paired with designed Bas, whose collection was influenced by punk rock rebellion and the avant garde, which we should have anticipated from the multiple piercings on Jan’s face. Miss J loved Marjorie’s commitment to out-there poses, but said this of Sheena:

“You look like you belong in that window.”

Ouch. Burn. Samantha and McKey were paired with Edwin, my favorite designer of the three, who based his pieces and window on the idea of a dollhouse. Sam and McKey worked really well together in the window, giving and taking direction from one another. They also had the easiest poses to convey (being doll-like), but they did do the best job overall and had the best-looking clothes so they rightfully won the prize: an invitation back to Amsterdam to walk the runways in Amsterdam Fashion Week.

Elina, a dominating force that wants you to actually think about things for once in your pitiful existence!

Elina, a dominating force that wants you to actually think about things for once in your pitiful existence!

During this challenge, Samantha expressed her discomfort with the entire notion of legal prostitution, which she doesn’t view as any different than the standard, American illegal kind. She finds that “disrespectful.” To whom? Does she mean that she doesn’t think it’s respectable? That must be it. Earlier in the episode, Elina had expressed in diary room that she doesn’t see anything wrong with legal prostitution because it’s a choice that the women make for themselves and if they want to do that, then that’s cool. Once again, I agree with Elina, who seems to be the only person in the house who thinks about things and has opinions that an informed person would have. When prostitution is legal, and the girls who participate in it are protected by law, and when they choose to become prostitutes, then prostitution can actually be an empowering choice to make as a woman. The problem comes when, like in most of America (except some counties in Nevada), women are not given the choice and are forced into prostitution either by someone or because they have no other way to feed their family. That’s not empowering, nor is it right. But when prostitution is legal, protected and the participant’s choice? Go for it, girl. That’s honest work.

When Samantha comments about the respectability of prostitution in Amsterdam, Elina asks her why it matters that it be a respectable job, a question Samantha cannot actually answer and so gets angry with Elina instead. This is a stupid fight, once again, because one side of the argument completely outmatches the other, and Samantha laments the fact that now she and Elina, who were on the same page when they were playing ANTM TAR, are now “like, 100 pages away” from one another ideologically. By the way, until this episode, I had no idea that McKey was on the pro-America side of last week’s American Ideology vs. European Ideology argument. She also apparently finds Elina to be “ugly from the inside out,” which is unfortunate. I’m sorry that no one on ANTM likes smart women with strong, well-formed opinions.

The following day, the girls head off to their photoshoot in the Amsterdam harbor, where they will celebrate the city’s long-standing maritime traditions (see: slave trading) by posing in “mid-century dress” on a boat. During the shoot, two things of note happened:

  1. Elina totally zoned out during her shoot and was so focused on what she was doing that she didn’t hear Mr. Jay’s constructive criticism, which is not good.
  2. Sheena continued to make everyone think she’s a whore by straddling various parts of the ship during her shoot.

“It’s interesting to me that Sheena always finds the most lewd poses.” –Mr. Jay

Also, I don’t know who decided to describe those outfits as “mid-century,” because there’s nothing mid-century about them. Samantha’s red plaid leg-of-mutton jacket was super cute, though.

At panel, Tyra once again claimed the title of Black Sofia Loren with this photo:



The judges found Elina’s photo to be good, but that her film was stiff and a little too focused. Still, she was the only girl to be told that her photo was “high fashion.” Sheena was called out for her odd choice of outfit at judging, which included some really cheap looking bloomer-type pants, which she attempted to defend by claiming that her outfit was Moschino, prompting Tyra to give this great advice:

“Just because it’s name brand don’t mean it’s right.”

Which I think is the advice someone should have given Showgirls‘ Nomi Malone about her Versace. Paulina said of Sheena’s photo, “The face is beautiful and the clothes are beautiful, but that’s about it.” Everyone loved Analeigh’s picture and were happy that she finally learned how to use her skating background in her modeling. McKey’s judging outfit involved layers of brown fabric formed into a skirt and a chain mail bodice, which the judges found kind of freaky, prompting Nigel to declare that that’s good because “fashion loves a bit of freak.” (Truth, Barker. Truth.) Tyra loved her shot and declared, “That’s a fashion shot.” Marjorie was criticized for the weird placement of her hand that made it look as though it was growing from her back, but otherwise, the judges thought she delivered a strong photo. Daphne Deckers wondered why Marjorie was so odd in person, but so fucking fierce on set. Samantha the Retarded Troll Doll showed up to panel in a pink long sleeved shirt and a tan skirt that made her look simultaneously dowdy and juvenile, which is an amazing feat.

“I have fashion issues.” – Samantha

Tyra attempted to do an on-the-spot makeover on Sam by shortening her skirt and pulling her top off her shoulder, only to discover that there is no saving this outfit short of burning it.

“I think Sam had the very first makeover I’ve done on the spot that just did not work.” –Tyra

Callouts: McKey, Analeigh, Marjorie, Samantha, leaving Elina and Sheena to fight it out in the bottom two. Elina had previously had a dream that she and Sheena would be crying together, which has apparently played out at panel, minus the crying. Tyra decided to save Elina, who is definitely a better model then Sheena, even if no one likes her personality. Sheena just tried and tried and tried to stop being so hoochie, but couldn’t break the habit. You can take the girl out of Queens, but you can’t take the Queens out of the girl. I’m sure Sheena will have a long career modeling for hip hop clothing companies, and possibly even running an accessories boutique on Fashion Ave.

Sheena, trying to rope you in one final time.

Sheena, trying to rope you in one final time.

Oddly, I think this is the first ANTM season ever where all of the final five models are white. Weird, huh? Looking forward to go sees and the Tyra shoot next week, and more stupid fights, of course.

The Husband:

Now that Sheena is gone (finally!), maybe Mukymuk* can realize that she’s been quickly becoming a member of the Hater Nation, led up by the two S’s (Sheena and Samantha), and then decide to regain her former cool ways before it’s too late. I like you, Mithrail*, and I still think that you deserve to be in the top two with Marjorie – sorry Elina, you need to work it next week or you are fucking out of there – but a lot of your ignorance shone through this week.

I’d expect a MMA fighter like yourself – and your boyfriend – who lives only 30 miles north of Chicago to be a little more understanding of alternate lifestyles and immigrant culture, so I’m kind of baffled that you would liken a frickin’ bath to a lesbian free-for-all. Elina may be a lesbian, Mabbawabba*, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your respect and understanding.

Pirate McKey cares not for your homeland or your sexual orientation!

Pirate McKey cares not for your homeland or your sexual orientation!

And you, Mnemonic*, should probably brush up on your international diplomacy skills, as you twice mistook Elina’s homeland, the Ukraine, for Russia, which is not the same place at all. That’s like me calling you a Nicaraguan. I’m reminded of a conversation in Clueless between Cher, her immigrant maid and her ex-step brother:

Cher: Lucy, the fire department called again. They said we need to clear out that bush. You said you’d get Jose to do it.
Lucy: He your gardener, I don’t know why you no tell him.
Cher: Lucy, you know I don’t speak Mexican.

[Lucy storms out of the kitchen.]

Cher: Great, what was that all about?
Josh: Lucy’s from El Salvador.
Cher: So?
Josh: So, it’s an entirely different country.
Cher: What does that matter?
Josh: You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

And maybe we give Molar* the benefit of the doubt, as a good many Americans mistakenly call the former U.S.S.R. “Russia” when Russia was just a part of the it – for some reason, apparently a lot of people think that U.S.S.R. has the word “Russia” somewhere in its name (it doesn’t) – but then I have to bring this up: Elina is 19 (really? 19? Both my wife and I erroneously thought she was more like 22) and the U.S.S.R. finally dissolved in 1991, so she was only one or two years old when Ukraine became an independent nation. No Russian there, sorry.

Come on, Moonraker*, be that kickass person from earlier in the season, and flush Samantha like a used tampon (eww…what?).

Obviously, I just like giving McKey silly names, like Mongo*.

“Mongo only pawn in game of life…”

*An arbitrary name for the equally arbitrary made-up name McKey.