The Wife:

Little J, fashionista extraordinaire, begins her Betsey Johnson-like career by staging a guerilla fashion show at a charity ball in town. Agnes and all of her friends volunteer to model and Jenny sews, sews, sews until she has something that can pass as a collection. The only problem is that she hasn’t told her family that she quit as Eleanor Waldorf’s intern, which causes quite a tiff between her and Big Brother Dan when he catches her heading out with her wares. Nate tries to stop her, until he decides to drive the van and go with her, which is fortunate in the end because Little J has apparently not done much research on the venue she’s planning on ambushing and only finds out when she gets there that it is a private party in honor of Bart and Lily Bass. Nate happens to be on the guest list and gets Jenny in as his date, which makes for a great excuse to kiss her in the middle of the party before her show begins, a shot that ends up on Gossip Girl, leading Dan, Vanessa and Daddy Rufus straight to her. (This also ultimately leads to Dan kicking Nate out of his house for acting like the Big Bad Wolf and seducing Little Red Riding J.)

Dear Nate, Please stop dating every chick on GG. KTHXBI.

Dear Nate, Please stop dating every chick on GG. KTHXBI.

The trio arrive too late to stop the fashion show, which Jenny is just about to hit the greenlight on as they arrive. The fashion show itself is pretty cool in concept, with slicker-covered models marching their way in Gestapo-style only to strip off the black plastic vestments and reveal J Humphrey Designs beneath them. The models shower the audience with a rain of promotional cards bearing the J Humphrey logo and Jenny’s cell number. Jenny’s clothes for this collection are not nearly as good as anything else we’ve seen “her” do on the show, are not nearly as cute as the white dress-and-fascinator combo she dons herself, and are entirely derivative of Betsey Johnson’s early work, but that doesn’t matter to anyone at the charity ball! They’re enthusiastic! They’re excited! These old fuddy-duddies have never seen anything like this! And by the end of the evening, Jenny has already received 37 missed calls from people who are excited about her work. (Or pissed off. One of the two. She didn’t bother to check her messages.) Daddy Rufus is furious with his daughter. After all, he knows the high price of fame and knows it won’t last forever, but he just can’t seem to get that through Little J’s head. He tried to teach her a lesson by having her arrested for the public disturbance she created, but Lily saves her ass by insisting that she won’t press charges as owner of the hotel. (“Well, that makes my job easy,” says the arresting officer.) So upset at her father’s betrayal, Little J runs away, miraculously packing all of her clothes (including the wedding kimono she hangs on her wall) into a single, magical suitcase and totes her sewing machine along with her on her journey through the mean streets of Brooklyn.

May I remind you that what you just did it an offense punishable by law?

May I remind you that what you just did it an offense punishable by law?

Dan, meanwhile, receives news from the TA Nate seduced at Yale that the three professors who read his work find his writing to be “anemic.” Upset, Dan assumes now that he’ll never get in to a school with a decent writing program. (Yes, you will, Dan. It might not be Yale, but you are a smart kid with great grades. You will get in somewhere.) In desperate need of beefing up his work, he pulls an all-nighter after Jenny’s fashion show rewriting the Charlie Trout story he swore he’d never complete. Daddy Rufus is surprised to hear Dan has resumed that story and that he intends to send it to Noah Shapiro in exchange for a letter of recommendation, as Daddy Rufus believes in coming by one’s fame honestly . . . or something. In short, he fears that his children are trying to become rising stars too fast and that their stars will too quickly burn out, as his did. I don’t think he needs to worry about Dan, as Dan is clearly on the path to making something of himself by getting his degree in English/Writing/Whatever and going forward into the world of professional writing from there. In J, though, it’s clear that Rufus sees too much of himself. But you know something? If she becomes washed up at 40 and can channel the remainder of her money into running a gallery and owning a sweet loft in which to raise two more Humphreys, I think she’ll be okay. Rufus really seems to have done okay for himself, even after his star burned out, and I’m sure Little J realizes that somewhere in her misguided teenage rebellion.

As for Serena, the unimportant dating Cecil the Caterpillar storyline continues with the delivery of a licorice ring and Aaron asking her for a second chance, even after she calls and finds another girl answering his phone. I don’t even remember what her final decision was regarding going on a date with him. That’s how much I don’t care. Amidst this, Serena is being wooed by the Yale Dean’s numerous friends, and she insists on dragging Blair to every one of these encounters, hoping that the Yale donors will see something special in Blair and recommend her to the Dean. Serena foists one of these opportunities onto Blair, asking her to take Mrs. Boardman’s daughter Emma out to the movies while Mrs. Boardman meets with her old friends from Bryn Mawr. Emma, however, does not want to go to the movies. She wants to lose her virginity before Muffy the Lacrosstitute (a Blair coinage I adore) beats her to it. Blair and Serena try to get Emma to accompany them to the Bass Charity Ball, telling her that there will be plenty of worthy young suitors there for her to seduce, but Chuck Bass bursts her bubble and tells her that its all old geezers at the ball. (Too bad, she missed a cool fashion show.) Chuck takes her to a club instead.

“Looks like you’ve hooked yourself a Bass.” – Chuck Bass

Blair and Serena follow Emma and Chuck to a club, where they lose her briefly and accidentally happen upon Mrs. Boardman making out with a man who is definitely not her friend from Bryn Mawr. Just in case blackmail is necessary, opportunist Blair snaps a photo. The trio finds Emma just before she’s about to swipe her V card with the apparently uncircumcised Serge (when Chuck says “Lose the tulip” to the naked man, I can only assume that’s what he means). Blair tears her away from him and shows her a post on Gossip Girl that claims Muffy has beat her in the game and lost her virginity. Blair advises Emma to wait to lose her virginity to someone she loves, like she did, not in some stupid game with Muffy the Lacrosstitute.

Blair wishes she, too, could hook herself a Bass.

Blair wishes she, too, could hook herself a Bass.

I was happy to hear Blair so freely admit her love for Chuck Bass for two reasons. 1.) It’s true. And 2.) I recently read this article that presents a study that finds that teens who watch racy shows like Gossip Girl are twice as likely to get pregnant as teens who don’t, a claim which I’m sure makes the Parent’s Television Council extremely happy. The study attempts to flatten out any extenuating circumstances that may be a factor in teen pregnancy (such as socioeconomic status, race, etc.) and claims that even when those factors are stratified, the results still show that teens who watch shows like GG are twice as likely to get pregnant. I feel that there’s some very bad methodology behind that claim, as no one is taking into account whether or not these twice-as-likely occurrences happen in homes where parents talk to their children about sex and its consequences. Gossip Girl is not responsible for teaching your children and presenting them with the various consequences of sex. That doesn’t make good TV, for one, and for another, parents are responsible for teaching their children, not the television set. The sex on GG is barely even that racy. And I believe that consequences do occur when Serena fucks Nate, but not when she fucks Dan because she loves Dan, just like Blair loves Chuck. All the show is trying to say, and in fact did say in this episode, is that people should have sex with people they love. Take that shit, PTC. Stop censoring things that happen in life! Like teens having sex! It happens! And that’s why it’s on TV! Not the other way around!

Okay, yelling tangent done.

When Blair brings Emma home, Mrs. Boardman is upset to see her daughter home late and in some slutty dress she borrowed from Serena (a dress, btw, that Serena would never wear by the looks of it) and she immediately sends Emma to bed. Blair is about to show Mrs. Boardman her blackmail photo when Emma runs out and says that Blair was only trying to help her and that she actually had a really nice time and thinks Blair is a great person. Blair suddenly has a change of heart and decides to speak up for Emma, informing Mrs. Boardman that Emma is a good girl, as Blair sees so much of herself in this girl and her relationship to her mother. Fortunately for Blair, Emma calls her up the next day and says that she spoke to the Dean and said that Blair Waldorf is the one person, real or imaginary, that she’d like to have lunch with. The Dean informs Blair that Yale could use more girls like her and she and Serena giddily flip through the Fall ’08 course catalogue to scope out classes and majors.

If all goes well for Dan and his Charlie Trout story, it looks like everyone will be at Yale next fall, recreating the Upper East Side in New Haven.

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