The Wife:

In the most transparent of 90210‘s titles that reference other things, Pops Wilson finally decides to tell his kiddies that he had a secret love child he didn’t know existed (how’s that for consequences of sex, PTC?) and Dixon and Annie are forced to deal with that revelation, as is Naomi, whose mother is the mother of said secret love child. (You see, this is transparent because the movie Secrets & Lies is about giving up secret love children for adoption! Just like Tracy Clarke did! It’s also about keeping secrets! And lying!)

Dixon just kind of shrugs this off, citing that it is “kinda freaky” but he’s “cool with it.” It does, however, make him reflect back on his own adoption, which he also has no real feelings about because he is aware that neither of his birth parents were capable of caring for a child. As he tells his girlfriend Silver, the only thing that makes him a little sad is that now he knows that somewhere in the world, someone has Rob Estes’ laugh, and it isn’t him, the son Rob Estes chose to adopt and love. I wish that moment were sweet, but the writing behind it was so vapid that poor Tristan Wilds and Jessica Stroup really didn’t have a lot to work with in that scene. Strangely, though, Dixon goes straight from talking about his adoption to once again propositioning Silver for sex. Weird transition, 90210 character!

Annie, on the other hand, is not happy with the news that she has a secret brother somewhere, so she starts stomping around like an insolent child and going therapy shoe shopping at Jimmy Choo with Naomi. (By the way, isn’t it strange that Annie, who grew up in Kansas but has still probably heard of Sex & the City, doesn’t know who Jimmy Choo is? Kansas is not devoid of movies and the Internet, as far as I’m aware.) When Pops Wilson catches her packing for a sleepover at Silver’s and finds her new Jimmy Choo boots (a purchase which caused her credit card company to call citing “unusual activity”), he bans her from the sleepover (because Kelly Taylor still isn’t home, thus, no adult around means no sleepover for Annie) and forces her to return the boots, which she promptly puts on and sneaks out to go to Silver’s and do normal girly sleepover shirt. You know, doing your hair, your nails, tequila shots and switching clothes with the other girls.

The sleepover, naturally, turns into a full-fledged party when Dixon and some other dudes show up, Ethan among them. Annie and Ethan had previously discussed the state of their relationship and how Naomi and Annie’s new brother further complicate their ability to be together as a couple. (I guess this makes Annie feel closer to Naomi? More sisterly? I don’t know. I get that it’s complicated, but I don’t get how.) Naomi’s detention crush, Ozzie, also shows up, and she asks her new BFF Annie to play wingman for her by entertaining Ozzie’s friend Jose so that she and Ozzie can get some alone time. Annie, who is totally drunk off her Jimmy Choos by the time this request is made, naturally flakes out a little bit and blows off Jose to go and make out with Ethan. When Ozzie and Jose bounce, Naomi goes to find Annie, but Silver runs interference so that the two girls won’t come to blows over Ethan, thus ruining the party.

Kim the Narc is also at the party, along with Adriana, who attends, fresh out of rehab. Navid seems to be inhabited by a pod person this week, mooning over Adriana in a way we’ve never seen him do before, even going so far as to painstakingly sort out all of the disgusting popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellys for her, as they are her favorite. Kim hits Adriana up for the name of her dealer, hoping to bust George at the party. Adriana, hoping to avoid the temptation to drink and do drugs, sneaks off to a private room with Navid to make out and watch Planet Earth. As things heat up, she instructs him to put on a condom, intimating that she knows he expects her to pay him back for paying for rehab with sex. Navid, offended, rushes out of the room.

How dare you insinuate that I only want you for sex! Good day, madam!

How dare you insinuate that I only want you for sex! Good day, madam!

Kim the Narc does not bust George at the party, but instead heads out with Mr. Matthews after tipping off Pops Wilson who comes in to rescue his daughter and break up the fete. George, unfortunately, sees Kim with Matthews and attempts to blackmail Matthews in order to get back on the lacrosse team. Matthews brings this information to Wilson, who suspends him for fraternizing with a “student.” Even though we all know Kim is 25, she’s pretending to be 17, so her relationship with Matthews compromises her cover and the work she’s doing, and in general looks really bad for Matthews. Matthews will be on paid leave from WestBev until Kim’s work is done. Whenever that may be.

As for Annie and her dad, after he breaks up the party, Pops Wilson rescues his inebriated little girl, who has had too much to drink and vomited all over her expensive new Jimmy Choos. They have a little heart-to-heart about why she was acting out and Pops Wilson apologizes for being so hard on her when she was only trying to work out her feelings. Or something. I noticed he didn’t seem to give a shit that Dixon was at this party, which seemed odd. Shouldn’t he be mad at both of his children for being at the same party that one of them was expressly instructed not to go to, back when it was just an all-girls sleepover? This seems inconsistent. Make up your mind, Pops Wilson!

Nothings gonna harm you, not while Im around . . .

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around . . .

The next day at school, Annie and Ethan talk it out and decide to try making their relationship work without having to lie to Naomi outright. Avoiding her, they decide, works better – especially when they already have plans to spend them with each other. After deciding on this, they immediately suck face for an extended period of time. Naomi decides to stop playing games with Ozzie and asks him for his number, which she immediately calls, only to catch sight of Annie and Ethan making out in a classroom and killing her buzz.

Oh, Naomi, how I do hope your claws come out next week, even with your new beau, as this week your character was so entirely neutered. I’m amazed at how, each week, this show manages to avoid creating actual drama and instead seems to go through the motions. You know what would have been more interesting? If George got busted at the party based off of Kim’s tip and the cops came to break it up, not Principal Wilson. Cops = real drama. You know what else would have been interesting? Adriana being tempted by the party atmosphere and having real emotions! Maybe even having Navid save her because he cares about her so much, rather than having the poor kid sort through bags of Jelly Bellys in her name. You know what else would have been interesting? A cat fight! Naomi and Annie fighting it out over Ethan, especially if she had caught them having sex, as the previews led us to believe. But no! That didn’t happen! None of it! And you know who “crossed the line” this week? Mr. Matthews, by accidentally getting caught giving his “student” a ride home from a party. Not even making out with her. What? Correct me if I’m wrong here, but it’s not entirely unusual for teachers to give students rides. Now, if it were a mustache ride, that would clearly be a different story, and worthy of sending Matthews on a paid leave of absence. But a car ride? Really, George? Why you gotta make up lame shit just because Kim don’t wanna have sex with you?

So this episode was what the CW chose to push up against the election results. How disappointing. None of these characters function in a way that makes sense, and no one bothers to create story arcs and build tension amongst the characters at all. Even the feeblest attempts at doing so fail (i.e. Annie acting out because she’s upset about secret love brother). This shit is pretty lame, CW. You set the bar really high for yourself with “Hollywood Forever” and now you’re just sliding back down into the La Brea tar pits.

The Husband:

I was looking at election results on my wife’s laptop during the entirety of this episode. It doesn’t sound like I missed that much by focusing my attention elsewhere while having it be my own personal background noise.

But…here’s a few haiku:

Get it together, hombre.
Handle your stories.

Why doesn’t Dixon have a

Jessica Stroup is awesome.
Focus back on her.

Someone needs to throw a pie.
Look! Conflict! Shitballs!

Learn from the show after you.
rocks face.