The Husband:

Because I am catching up on two weeks of crazy Sunday night ABC madness, I will be temporarily splitting Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters into their own posts so it doesn’t look like a big jumbled mess of text.

The episodes are doing a nicer job linking together as a serialized whole, so why not just bring you up-to-date on where all of the “housewives” are?

Susan: She and Jackson are really trying to make a real relationship work, but he has finally regained his artistic passion for actual painting (i.e. not just houses) and has less time to…you know…do it.

Drunk Susan: What time is it?

Jackson: 10:48.

Drunk Susan: No. It’s sex time!

Its sex time for everyone but you, Julie!

It's sex time for everyone but you, Julie!

In the second episode, daughter Julie finally comes back into town (welcome back, Andrea Bowen!), but with a surprise – her college boyfriend is actually her thrice-divorced professor (Steven Weber, you whore), and he has his mind set on making Julie his fourth attempt at a wife. Susan tries to stop the “surprise proposal,” but Julie is a big girl and can do it herself, saying that she has learned from all of Susan’s poor luck with men to never get married.

Bree: A fired employee, a late-night tryst with Orson in the kitchen and a surveillance tape used as blackmail all fall into place and threaten Bree’s career. Desperate to retrieve the tape of her infidelities from said former employee (the surveillance camera is trained on the kitchen at all times), Bree allows her son Andrew to do whatever he can to get the tape back, and he does so, making references to bribing a biker gang into threatening the thieving employee. When Bree gets the tape back, she notices that there is actually another couple banging each other in the business’ kitchen – Katherine and Mike.

In the second episode, Rachael Harris (hooray VH1 people) shows up to interview Bree regarding her new book but turns out to be a muckraker, digging up all the dirt she can on Bree (imprisoned husband, former drinking problem, gay son who turned tricks while homeless, etc.), but relents when Bree reveals that she is not as perfect as her book makes her out to be and that she’s just trying to have a happy life.

Gaby: It’s old crazy rich Frances Conroy all the time in Solis Land, but now that she’s being especially crazy (wanting the Solis children to call her “Grandma,” crashing one of the Solis daughter’s birthday party), Gaby loses her shit and tries to kick old crazy rich Frances Conroy out of their lives. So old crazy rich Frances Conroy calls up the country club and gets Carlos fired for giving her a massage-gasm.

Birthday parties are not for crazy old Frances Conroy!

Birthday parties are not for crazy old Frances Conroy!

In the second episode, old crazy rich Frances Conroy relents and gets Carlos his job back. In addition, she kind of sort of makes the Solises the sole heirs to her fortune. (What the hell with this back-and-forth?) Gaby doesn’t want old crazy rich Frances Conroy to have control over her family no matter what the cost (especially when old crazy rich Frances Conroy is dead set on getting the girls out of public school and into a private school an hour away) and asks to be taken out of the will. Then the club fire happens, and not everything is settled. (More on that fire later.)

Lynette: It’s good to see that within the first few moments of the episode, Lynette learns that it’s not her husband Tom having an affair with Anne Schilling but her son Porter. Immediately, she threatens to kick Porter out of the house if he does not break up with Anne (who is, as you may remember, his best friend’s married mother), but things become complicated when he finds out that Anne is pregnant with his child.

In the second episode, the shit really hits the fan when Porter’s twin Preston comes to Lynette and informs her of all the secrets Porter’s been keeping from her, including the fact that he wants to leave town with Anne forever (her abusive husband would surely kill her if he found out about the pregnancy), so Lynette approaches Anne for the second time in two episodes, this time at the Schilling household, to try to work things out. Mr. Schilling overhears the conversation, however, and begins beating and kicking the pregnant Anne for making him out to be a fool. When Porter hears of this, he grabs a gun and goes to…the club.

Blue Odyssey is code for excessive viagra usage.

Blue Odyssey is code for excessive viagra usage.

The Club: It’s the Battle of the Bands, and Creepy Dave has signed up Blue Odyssey as a competitor. What they don’t know is that his former therapist (who specializes in the criminally insane) has gotten wind that Creepy Dave has returned to Fairview, so he follows him to the Eagle State to get him to leave the place that presumably caused him to go nuts in the first place. (What happened that made him go crazy? This is DH, so we’ll learn at the end of the season probably.) When the therapist looks at the band’s member list, he recognizes one of the names (which one? We don’t know) and tells Creepy Dave that he can’t go through with whatever what he’s doing, so Creepy Dave takes the therapist to the storage room, strangles him to death and then sets him on fire.

The fire rages out of control, with many of the major players nearly dying (especially Mike, who passes out from smoke inhalation while trying to save Jackson), but Dave saves Mike and carries him out to the ambulance, saying, cryptically, that he is not done with him yet. Since the club was owned by Mr. Schilling, though, Porter is blamed for the arson and is arrested.

I ask again, what is Creepy Dave’s plan? Is it really as obvious as it seems in that Mike Delfino is the one who caused him all the hurt, or are the writers doing a really good job misleading all us all the time. We know that Creepy Dave’s brother was murdered while in jail, and that Creepy Dave seems pretty focused on the members of his band, but three players in Blue Odyssey (Mike, Orson and Carlos) have all been to jail.

My plan is to rock hardcore! And kill my therapist.

My plan is to rock hardcore! And kill my therapist.

Goddamit, what the hell is his plan? You got me hooked at least on that facet, DH. Now just find something for Susan to do that’s not so horrendously dumb. Get Susan involved in the central mystery, darnit. In fact, get all the “housewives” involved, because right now they’re mostly just doing their own thing, and that was one of the main problems with DH’s worst season (that one being s2).