The Husband:

There’s a pattern, much like the one on Fringe, here on Private Practice that has a strong influence on all the show’s characters, one that seems designed to wreak havoc on the good doctors on Oceanside Wellness. No, it’s not scientific anomalies fabricated in order to cover up vast conglomerate conspiracies such as time travel and the literal breakdown of physical space. No. It’s that the clients of Oceanside Wellness are fucking idiots.

I think this is a major factor of what makes Grey’s Anatomy work so well and Private Practice kind of hit the middle of the road. On Grey’s, all the stupid shit the patients have done were before they were received at Seattle Grace, where the doctors will do everything they can to treat your presumably fatal illness/dismemberment before it’s too late. On PP, it’s a clinic with expertise in fertility, psychology and new age medicine, created to suggest medical procedures to their predicament, pressing or not, before the worst is yet to happen. (Another major difference is that GA usually takes place over one or two days, while PP, with few exceptions, spreads out its episode timelines through several days.)

So what am I talking about? Well, in the last three episodes, the patients/clients of Oceanside Wellness have made some very stupid decisions, and it’s those decisions that have been driving the medical drama on the show. Me? I find it highly problematic, because I would rather see the doctors have to deal with inevitable consequences despite a great deal of intelligence and know-how instead of stupid-ass blunders.

How is it that every patient we see is a complete and total moron?

How is it that every patient we see is a complete and total moron?

Two weeks ago, a highly religious couple came in because, after experimenting with some fertility drugs (good!), they have been experiencing issues during their pregnancy. Specifically, they have triplets, two of which (the identical twins) suffer from TTTS Syndrome, wherein they share the same placenta and blood vessels and will die unless surgery is performed (bad!). Unfortunately, the religious couple believe that this affliction is God’s way of punishing them for using fertility drugs, so after telling Addison they need help, they refuse any surgery and hope that it will all be sorted out by the Almighty. When it nearly becomes too late, Addison has no choice but to do surgery (after the non-afflicted baby has died) to snip the vessel connection between the twins. I forget if one of the twins died in the process, but I know at least one lived. But hey, maybe that baby wouldn’t have died if you just listened to your doctor who you went to in the first place.

In last week’s episode, we met a man whose pregnant wife was in an irreversible coma due to kidney failure and Wegener’s Granulomatosis. The baby is nearing birth, so Addison suggests (rightfully so) that  they perform a C-section so the baby will be born without complications (good!), because if they do it the natural way the baby could easy suffocate on the way out (because the mother is in a coma!). However, because the man had heard of one (read it: one) case of a comatose woman waking up while giving birth, he refuses the C-section and demands that his wife gives birth naturally (bad!). This leads to major complications in both mother and baby, and so the surgery happens too late (also after finding out that the man wasn’t married yet to the woman, so he had no say over her parents’ decision). The baby is born, but due to medical issues the comatose woman dies! Yeah, that’s a major fail.

This week we have two blunders. The first, a famed but retired bicyclist goes to the fourth floor practice (where Charlotte has set up a competing clinic), but is stolen away by Sam and Pete. The bicyclist has a SoCal race that weekend and would like to stage a comeback to make big bucks to support him and his wife (Ione Skye still as beautiful as ever). Sam and Pete work on helping his knee recover in time, but then it comes to their attention that he retired not because of a bum knee but because he was suffering from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, in which the muscle of the heart contracts under extreme pressure (see: hardcore bicycling). The doctors don’t want the bicyclist to compete, but he says that it’s his choice once they fix his knee. So they fix his knee, he wins the race and dies at the finish line. Great job, asshole.

Addison’s case this week involved a woman who was dying of stage 2 ovarian cancer, but she wouldn’t let Addison remove her ovaries and uterus (or, you know, the things that were killing her) because she was dead set on having a baby the natural way, even if she was going to be a single mother. The issue was that a hotshot doctor on the fourth floor had an experimental trial that could potentially remove the tumor without surgery, but by the end of that very day parts of her reproductive track had collapsed on her colon, so surgery was needed anyway. Fail.

So there you have it. Oceanside Wellness gets its business from morons.

Hello, Audra. It is I, Grant Show. Ive come to ask you to join me and Lana Perilla at a key party. Jack Davenport and Molly Parker will be there. Maybe even Miriam Shor. Wont you join us?

Hello, Audra. It is I, Grant Show. I've come to ask you to join me and Lana Perilla at a key party. Jack Davenport and Molly Parker will be there. Maybe even Miriam Shor. Won't you join us?

So what’s been going on other than idiotic clients? Pete’s former and now regained lover (Jayne Brook) started working at a free clinic, but had some of her clients come to Oceanside (because it’s awesome), where she started allowing abortions. Naomi, being the owner of the fertility clinic, refused the procedure to be done under her roof (which I think is actually an offense worthy of a steep fine in California), but then relented. Violet started dating fourth floor psychiatrist (Brian Benben from HBO’s gloriously filthy comedy Dream On, an actor who once told Letterman in the early 90s that Brian Benben was just his stage name, and his real name was Brian Benbenbenbenben…), but then he couldn’t get it up so they broke up. Violet then made out with Pete, leading to presumed bitchin’ sex. Addison’s brother (Grant Show from Swingtown, which you should buy on DVD right now) came into town and banged Naomi, and then Sam punched him in the face. Cooper and Charlotte broke up because she lied to him about starting up the fourth floor competing practice, and then had a false pregnancy scare. Addison is still taking care of her injured S.W.A.T. boyfriend. Dell loves his young daughter.

That’s about it.

And Cooper uttered one of the most unique sentences I’ve heard in a good long while:

“Oooooh…unlimited spanikopita!”