The Wife:

It’s a new year, so here’s a new installment of “9 Lame Things About This Week’s 90210,” because, let’s face it, this show just ain’t getting any better.

1. Naomi’s weird obsession with Secret Brother Sean. She later tells Annie that she was just so happy to have a brother, but I don’t think that explains her absolutely deranged behavior that would be considered highly incestuous, even with one’s half brother. I mean, she’s wrapping her arms around him like they’re together. And like they’ve known each other forever. In the biblical sense. This is lame in the sense that it is a really odd thing to have this character do, and then for her to go and get all mad at Annie because Secret Brother Sean wasn’t really their brother but Tracy Clark was stupid enough to give any random person 200 thousand dollars? That’s just lame. Someone needs to figure out how to write Naomi well, because right now, she’s just really histrionic.

2. Brenda being part of Adriana’s support group. What? How? Is Brenda’s involvement in Adriana’s life explained in episodes that didn’t happen? Because otherwise this fucking plotline came the fuck out of nowhere.

Miss Walsh has been so supportive ever since she sent me on my crazy drug bender in the first place by kicking me out of Spring Awakening!

Miss Walsh has been so supportive ever since she sent me on my crazy drug bender in the first place by kicking me out of Spring Awakening!

3. Secret Brother Sean’s excuse for his big money con that his adoptive father died with a massive gambling debt and his suicide wasn’t covered by his life insurance policy. Uh, yeah, dude. Nobody’s life insurance policy covers suicide. That’s why if you want to commit suicide to save your family, you have to make it look like an accident. Everybody knows that. God.

4. That damned obtrusive Dr. Pepper sign at The Peach Pit! I’m not talking about the one on the actual Dr. Pepper machine, but the one on the counter in front of it that could mysteriously be read by viewers correctly no matter if we were looking at the back or the front of that thing. Was the Dr. Pepper machine not enough for you, sponsors? You had to put a more visible, more legible Dr. Pepper sign in the middle of the goddamn scene? Oh, and then to top it off, had some mean girl stroll by to make fun of people, hoisting her tall cold glass of what I am to assume is that miraculous 23-flavor cure all in front of everyone’s face? If you’re going to give Dr. Pepper that much screen time, you should add it to the cast list in the credits sequence. I bet it has just as many facial expressions as Shenae Grimes.

5. Silver thinking that Death Proof is the Tarantino work that would turn a person into a Tarantino fan. Her other observations about that man’s work are spot on. His movies are pretentious, violent and derivative, but some of them are very good and deserving of praise, even though the man himself, I think, is mostly just an undereducated fanboy asshole. (Although he does like American Idol and watches it with a group of sassy black women, which is pretty cool.) Death Proof is one of his most misguided attempts at subversive feminism, especially considering that it posits the idea that a rape is an acceptable retribution for a rape, as mentioned at the end of this article. I’d have been much happier had Silver begged Dixon to see Jackie Brown or Kill Bill. I don’t care much for Kill Bill Vol. 1, but I love Kill Bill Vol. 2. Even better: show True Romance, which is definitely his masterpiece, and that’s probably because someone else directed it.

6. Dixon’s strange journey into his African-American heritage through song. I put this on my lame list because I fear this plot is journeying into very sticky stereotypical territory. Dixon absolutely needs to discover that part of his culture from which he’s been removed, I just worry about the way the show’s doing it. They’re playing up a side of modern Black culture that seems to only like throwing barbeques and singing Gospel music. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, I just fear that 9fneh won’t treat this storyline with any depth and respect at all, given the issues they already have writing consistent characters and the like, choosing instead to rely on stereotypes of what they think Black culture is. Be careful, show. That’s just a friendly warning.

7. Everything Adriana in this episode. So, she might have HIV, but when it turns out she doesn’t, she is diagnosed as pregnant instead. I appreciate that the writers think Jessica Lowndes can handle levels and looks pretty when she cries (she does) so they give her all these plots, but, my god, I wish this character were actually a character and not just an amalgamation of every 1990s after school special/Lifetime movie ever. All she’s missing is an abusive boyfriend who will throw her down a flight of stairs and cause her to suffer a miscarriage. Stuff happens to Adriana, but I have no idea who she is. Let’s write an actual character for her so that I give a shit when this stuff happens, eh?

8. Brenda can’t have kids. Apparently she found that out while she was healing for her broken arm and broken ankle suffered during her fall from the stage in Macbeth. Last time I checked, my uterus had nothing to do with either of those limbs. Is Brenda’s uterus in her elbow? Why would she find out this information during an unrelated hospital visit? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Thanks for trying to write a balanced set of characters, though, 9fneh writers. If I gave a shit about either Brenda or Adriana, the balance of pregnant drug addict 16-year-old Adriana would have worked against poor sad unloved childless Brenda. But I don’t give a shit. So this all just seems lame to me.

9. Pictionary at the Wilson estate. Family Pictionary time with Jessica Walter constantly screaming about socks? This is how this family bonds with their newly discovered son/half brother/scam artist? I bet they could have gotten rid of them faster if he had showed up to Annie’s birthday party sooner and caught Dixon and Silver’s rousing rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In.”

He really looks like hes enjoying this con, doesnt he?

He really looks like he's enjoying this con, doesn't he?

The Husband:

One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 9fneh:

When Secret Brother Sean, having just heard that he has been found out and that Rob Estes wants him to take a paternity test, pulls a 1990s-era scary movie tactic by suddenly appearing in Annie’s mirror’s reflection, complete with a jolting musical sting. With this, I got my biggest laugh of the new year so far. This show can’t even keep a consistent tone within its own episodes.