The Husband:

In a continued effort to combine similar stories into one to save time, energy and blog space — and since more television and more day job equals me having a harder and harder time to find enough minutes to write about television — I bring you the first edition of the Shonda Rhimes Wants To Hurt You Extravaganza. Since Private Practice has been shifted on ABC’s schedule to air right after its origin show, Grey’s Anatomy, thus leaving their Wednesday schedule wide open for some awesome science-fiction in the form of Lost‘s fifth season (w00t!) and the continuation of Life On Mars‘ first (double w00t!), it’s only sensible that two female-aimed doctor shows from the same producer be stuck together. This is especially true when I have less and less to say about both show each week. I will also end each section with the lesson I have learned from each episode.

Over at Seattle Grace, Sloan and is dealing with his pre-winter break hookup with Lexie, finally realizing how much of a he-bitch man-whore douchebag he is. Callie helps him along his path of trying to just ignore the situation and simply act like a professional, but she is one to talk, since she is suddenly lusting after Sadie, having continued down her natural path of lesbianism that was jolted into existence when Dr. Hahn was still around (and not forever lost in the Seattle Grace parking lot). I’m not sure if I’m any happier about Sloan hooking up with Lexie — I think she’s better than that — but if it makes Sloan a better overall character, I’m all for it. As for a Callie/Sadie liaison, I’m still completely on the fence, not because I don’t like either one of them (because I do, in fact, like them both) but because the show is actually treating the story with grace and patience, not jumping directly into any hanky-panky. (What a novel concept!) By episode’s end, Callie was still holding back in declaring her lust, much to her own inner turmoil.

Bailey, meanwhile, faces a crisis of both faith and science when a cardiac surgeon, who Bailey has helped in taking care of a sick little boy, suffers a fatal heart attack, and becomes very worried when she begins to disagree with everything about the new cardiac surgeon, one Dr. Arizona Robbins, and goes directly to the chief with complaints. He responds that she has never liked any attending physician immediately, and that the problem was her and not Dr. Robbins. By the end, Bailey finally admits to having doubts about herself, and the sick child is now finally able to be put on a transplant list.

Hmm . . . how the hell do I get myself back to San Francisco? This has been the longest fucking quantam leap Ive ever taken!

Hmm . . . how the hell do I get myself back to San Francisco? This has been the longest fucking quantam leap I've ever taken!

But the big case involves the usually sweet little Eric Stoltz (of Some Kind Of Wonderful, Mask, Killing Zoe and, a personal favorite, Showtime’s Out Of Order), playing against type as a death row inmate brought into Seattle Grace as there’s a big and sharp shank stuck into his spine, thus rendering him partially paralyzed. While Meredith rightly follows her Hippocratic oath to do no harm, Derek is of a different mind and grumbles having to treat such a monster and denies him some necessary morphine. When Stoltz finally reveals his crimes, involving slitting the throats of increasing amounts of women during one “fun” week, Meredith finally begins to understand where Derek is coming from. At episode’s end, Derek reveals that his father was murdered by two thieves, thus informing his inability to treat all patients the same. Then he and Meredith dance. (Hu-wha?)

I’m not really sure what was going on with this week’s episode. It was pretty much just an hour of people bitching and complaining, even more so than normal. (C’mon, Dr. Bailey. You’re better than that.) And while I still seem to like Meredith as a character more than anybody, I am sick to death of her and Cristina bitching about how they are no longer friends and why they are no longer friends. I’m even pretty much done with the love dance between Cristina and Dr. Hunt. Either do it or don’t, but this is the fourth time they have had a romantic tryst, and then the next episode are back on the outs. Make a move and stick with it, McKidd.

And as for Izzie’s ghost problems, I have my first lesson!

Lesson: Having cunnilingus performed on you makes your ghosts disappear.

And on Private Practice, Oceanside Wellness continues to treat people who would have far less problems if they weren’t MORONS. (See my previous PP post for this show-specific phenomenon.) Arlene, a recurring character — well, this is her second time, so that’s recurring to me — is back at Oceanside Wellness. Having given birth to at least four boys, she, the last time she appeared on the show, gave birth to a fifth much to her dismay, and one of the sons was autistic, so she and her family moved to Switzerland in order to put the son in a special school. Now they’re back, and while she catches up with all the doctors, they discover that one of her middle sons has the measles. Why, do you ask, would an American child in this day and age has the measles? Well, other than they spent the last year in neutral Europe, the mother blames her other son’s autism on the vaccination he had received years earlier. To her, one moment he was a normal kid, and then suddenly after the vaccination he become a “special child.” Cooper is insistent on giving her ill child the vaccination, as well as her other sons, but she adamantly refuses, saying that she will sue the practice if he proceeds with his doctoral duties.

Here’s the thing, though. There is no proven link between vaccinations and autism, as the point a child is supposed to be vaccinated for the illness is about the same time one starts to notice autism in a child. It’s a very controversial subject — the AMA forced ABC to put a disclaimer last year in front of the pilot episode of Eli Stone for this very reason — but I tend to think of the whole deal as an old wives’ tale. Take the damn medication. Western medicine = good. Vaccinations are proven to be the best measure for a child, and to ignore this is to make the problem even worse.

As Oceanside Wellness (as well as Pacific Wellcare downstairs) are forced to lock down their practices due to the measles contamination (which they fix quite quickly), Arlene, her children, Cooper and Charlotte go to St. Ambrose to treat the ill child, who is becoming quickly and horribly close to death due to his mother’s ignorance. Cooper fixes an early internal problem with said sick kid, and finally fed up with Arlene, he forces a vaccination on one of her other children. She cries foul, until she turns around and sees that her ill son, his face red with disease and his throat closing, has finally died.

So parents, give your children vaccinations. They do not cause autism. I don’t need a show to tell me what I already know. And even if you, like you believe that the moon landing was faked, continue to believe this falseness to be true, think of it this way: would you rather have an autistic child or a dead child?

Meanwhile, Naomi ropes Addison into helping out the egotistical but supposedly brilliant Dr. Wyatt at Pacific Wellcare, as he needs a neo-natal surgeon to help him with a woman who has so little ovarian tissue that she cannot produce eggs. The surgery doesn’t go as planned, though, and Addison and Wyatt clash while she saves the woman, who still can’t have babies, from bleeding to death. Wyatt finally becomes a true character by episode’s end, though, as he finally admits his wrongdoing with the procedure. The impending hook-up that will inevitably happen between Addison and Wyatt holds a lot of promise, as she can finally have something in her personal life — not her brother, not that S.W.A.T. guy — who might share some of her darn interests.

As for the rest of the practice, Violet and Pete make their relationship public while Brian Benbenbenbenben from downstairs realizes he shouldn’t have broken up with her, we finally meet Dell’s Baby Mama (who is not on drugs anymore, but still a shitty mother), and the professional brought in to inspect Oceanside Wellness post-contamination, after fight-flirting with Sam, reveals that she wants his cock real bad (and that she imagines that his lips taste like chocolate).

Is it weird that I’m more personally involved, at least now, with the trifle known as Private Practice than I am with the far deeper Grey’s Anatomy? I have no real reason for saying this, because I know implicitly that GA is a far better and less annoying show, but for this week at least, I was emotionally involved with the vaccination case and was absolutely not with the death row inmate story on GA, despite Eric Stoltz’s effectively creepy performance.

But only one thing really matters: Shonda Rhimes wants to hurt you.