The Wife:

The potential adoption saga over on SLOTAT continues. Amy, Ben and Ricky meet to hash out the details of a potential adoption, while Ann meets with the Rev. Stone to discuss potential couples to adopt Amy’s baby and George gets sweet-talked into circumventing both of these plans by his store manager Donovan and his lover Leon, who would like to adopt the baby.

Ann’s conversation with Rev. Stone turns up bust when he reveals that he had promised Ashley he would try to talk to her about not getting a divorce and therefore allowing Amy to keep the baby. Amy and Ben’s conversation with Ricky doesn’t go so well, either. Ricky remains dead set against adoption, promising to be a part of his son’s life, while Ben wonders how having Ricky around will impact his relationship with Amy. Feeling as though no one will let her make her own decision, Amy gets all passive aggressive and scary and lets Ricky and Ben decide for her. Ricky urges Ben to think through his commitment to Amy, and by the end of “Chocolate Cake,” the two are on the rocks.

George’s adoption conversation has the most success, largely because he didn’t know going into it that it would be anything more than dinner with his gay employee and his partner, whom George conveniently keeps forgetting the name of. For someone so incredibly repulsive, boorish, misogynistic and dumb, I expected him to be homophobic, too. But no, George is totally okay with gay men. What’s more: he really likes the idea that Leon and Donovan want to adopt Amy’s baby in an open adoption, allowing the Jurgens to see the baby anytime they want. How much more perfect could Donovan and Leon be, anyway? They cook! They keep house! They have an expendable income! They like boxing! To quote my favorite oddly insensitive George line of the night,

“You queens live like kings!”

In non-adoption news, Adrian, Grace and Ricky are having a major relationship clusterfuck. Ricky’s mean to Adrian, so she starts flirting with Jack, who’s not interested because he’s actually returned to the ghetto and is hooking up with his mentee’s hot older sister. So without Jack, Adrian needs to find someone new to have sex with and lo! enter her step-brother, who drops by to do some recon for his mother, who suspects that their mutual father might be leaving them to get back together with Adrian’s mom. She’s all like, “You’re hot.” And he’s all like, “Ew! I’m your brother!” And she’s all like, “Only by law.” And then they make out. Adrian’s dad later catches the two of them together, which has got to be unsettling, so Adrian goes back to sleeping with Ricky. When Jack’s new girlfriend jilts him, he decides to do something really mean and tells Grace that he knows Ricky is sleeping with her bestie Adrian. She ambushes them by cleverly calling them at the same time from two different phones and catches them together, declaring that she doesn’t want to talk to Ricky again and that Adrian is a really terrible friend.

After all of this, George tells Amy about Donovan and Leon and she decides that she’s totally on board with an open adoption. She calls Ricky and tells him that he’s a giant douchebag and that he needs to let her give the baby up. Finally, he agrees, leaving Amy to only need to patch things up with Ben . . . which doesn’t prove to be so easy when everyone at school is buzzing about how Amy and Ben broke up.

Grace and Adrian continue their bad friend tiff in the hallways of Ulysses S. Grant High School, and their minced words end in a totally awesome hair-pulling girlfight. The best part of this fight is that, during the middle of it, Adrian and Grace both realize that fighting this way over Ricky is really dumb, Adrian owns her bitchiness, and they both laugh about it and go off to confront Ricky together, only to arrive at the exact moment Amy breaks down about her fight with Ben and finds solace in Ricky’s arms, a moment Ben also happens upon, deepening the rift between the two. Witnessing this drives Ben to solitude in the fortress of the Sausage King, and Adrian and Grace to go do things girlfriends do like eating ice cream together and talking about how boys suck. It also drives Amy into deeper despair about not being with the love of her life, and Ricky into total fuckmeat mode as he decides that, with Ben out of the picture, the girl he should be with is the mother of his child.

This is exactly how I got you to have sex with me in the first place!

This is exactly how I got you to have sex with me in the first place!

Meanwhile, Jack makes amends with Shauna and is back tutoring Duncan. He tries really hard to keep his relationships with the two of them separate, but then Duncan reveals that he accepts tutoring in math solely for the purpose of having Jack over so Shauna can hang out with him. He then warns his sister about dating a dude in high school at her ripe old age of 20 with the most amazing statutory rape math breakdown I’ve ever heard. It went a little something like this:

“You know, I’m really good at math. 16 is 18 minus two, and 20 is 18 plus two. Two, that rhymes with you, as in don’t do anything that’s going to land you in jail because here’s another number: four – that’s how many years I’ll be in foster care because I’m too old to be adopted, and you’re too pretty for jail.”

Something like that. I thought this was fucking awesome, and my husband thought it was the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

George continues in his usual douchery by intercepting and scaring off potential adoptive parents before they can talk to Ann, and then the two of them have a hear to heart about their marriage where George actually stops being a dickmeat for five whole minutes and apologizes for cheating before finally talking to Ann about having Donovan and Leon adopt the baby.

Similarly, over at the Bowman house, Marshall is still mad at his wife for lying to him about being the person who cheated in her previous marriage. He comes home for some lunch-time lovin’ and Mrs. Bowman jokes that she gets drunk in the afternoon and takes care of herself, which is why she and Marshall haven’t been having much sex lately. I’m so happy that this show can openly discuss masturbation and gay adoption without any tinge of negativity. Both of those things are great, especially the praise of masturbation, which would have only been sweeter if Kathleen weren’t joking. She apologizes to Marshall for lying, and they make a sex date for after work, after which he tries to suss out whether or not she’d be keen to adopt Amy’s baby, which she accepts as a nice idea, but shoots down because she’s done raising children and having a new baby in the house ultimately means less time for sexy fun time – which is already in danger when she goes downstairs to get her favorite post-coital snack and finds Tom and Tammy hanging out in the kitchen in bathrobes. They’ve only been swimming, but Kathleen thinks they’ve been having sex, giving her the scare of her life. Tammy triumphantly declares that she wants to have a wedding first before she has sex with Tom. Given how hell-bent these two are about getting married, I expect to see their wedding the minute they both turn 18.

Ashley, who was scolded for being a little shit to her mother in “Chocolate Cake,” walks in on Ann and George’s discussion of adoption and gets all huffy, declaring that she doesn’t want her nephew adopted at all, growing so enraged with the prospect that she throws an egg on the floor. I expected this to be some kind of foreshadowing toward Ashley’s eventual destruction of her nephew, possibly by throwing her pregnant sister down the stairs because if her nephew couldn’t be with her, she wouldn’t want him to be with anyone at all. Or something. I don’t know. I thought Ashley was the sane one in this family, but despite the fact that she’s quickly become the most fashionable character on the show (her dress at the wedding was très cute, and I was super into the ruffled plaid shirt with big wide belt that she was rocking in the intro to “Unforgiven”), she’s also become the most irrational member of the Jurgens’ family, putting her selfish and childish desires to help her sister raise the baby above what’s actually good for that fucking baby. I hope she doesn’t go “throw Amy down some stairs” crazy. Giving the kitchen floor salmonella is just the right level of crazy.

Donovan and Leon talk to Amy to make sure that having her baby adopted is what she wants to do. She assures them at it is, and she breaks down about how she treated Ben. Donovan and Leon tell her that they want to adopt her baby for sure, but they want to meet with Ricky to make sure that he’s on board as well. She believes he will be, but I have my suspicions that now that Ricky’s spending time in his basement room reading about childbirth and being grossed out by the table of contents that he’s back on track with the “raising the baby myself” plan. Donovan and Leon agree to drive Amy over to the Sausage King’s so that she can talk to Ben and close the gap between them, but the Sausage King apology-blocks her and tells her that Ben has to make the decision to be with her on his own.

Babies come out of where?!

Babies come out of where?!

I’m sad, because Amy and Ben are totally why I watch this show and I will be really upset if Ben decides not to be with Amy. Until that’s resolved, here’s a list of oddly funny dialogue I’ve collected from these episodes:

  • “I’m married to, er, whatshername? – You!” – George
  • Alice’s cat claw noises. I’m glad she got a paycheck for that.
  • Best icebreaker ever: “I’m thinking about having sex with my brother.” – Adrian
  • “God help Adrian, because she’s a bitch!” – Grace
  • “I’ve always wanted to see where the Sausage King lives!” – Leon

The Husband:

My wife pretty much broke down all the important/relevant info regarding the last two episodes of The Secret Life Of The American Teenager quite well, so I just wanted to point out that she also happened to have written the best sentence of the month:

“Witnessing this drives Ben to solitude in the fortress of the Sausage King, and Adrian and Grace to go do things girlfriends do like eating ice cream together and talking about how boys suck.”

I think that’s how I should explain the show to people, just to see how they would react.

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