The Wife:

The past two episodes of Make Me a Supermodel have been missing Catherine Malandrino, which subsequently means they’re missing a lot of strange commentary. Please come back, Catherine. I’m sure you’re off showing your stuff at some Fashion Week somewhere, but please come back soon. Tabatha can be snide about hair, but definitely not about fashion. If you don’t return, Maggie Rizer is all too ready to usurp you, but her commentary is far too lucid to round out the judging panel. Please come back.

In “High Wire Act,” the models were tasked with a photoshoot that involved high wire rigs in order to create sporty action shots. Or, as Nicole so drolly put it, “to convey beauty and strength.” Photographer Justin Steele put the groups together based on look and what sport he could see the pairings playing.

This is so masculine I don't even know what to say about it.

This is so masculine I don't even know what to say about it.

  • Colin and Branden: These guys got rugby, and their shot turned out really well. They managed to maintain the line between looking like they’re playing a sport and looking like they’re modeling.
  • Mountaha, Shawn and Salome: For some reason, these three had to play football. Why weren’t they given a sport that they all seem better suited for, like volleyball? Or tennis? Nothing about these three says football to me, and I have a hard time believing that they said “football” to Justin Steele either. The only thing I can think of is that, perhaps, Steele thought that since they were shooting on a football field, the only sports they could convey also had to be played on a field. A weak shot for everyone, that proves silver pants on even the skinniest of people makes them look fat.
  • Amanda, Kerryn and Laury: These ladies were assigned field hockey as their sport, but then switched to holding soccer balls halfway through, which, as we all know, you cannot do in soccer. Whichever sport the girls ended up with, they turned out a pretty strong shot overall.
  • Sandhurst, Jordan and Karen: Also assigned field hockey, these three turned out another great group shot, the most memorable part of which was Sandhurst’s extremely gorgeous pose.
  • Jonathan, Gabriel and CJ: Also assigned football, the boys, sadly, were stuck with wet blanket CJ, whom no one in the house likes. Jonathan turned out a killer shot, but Gabriel and CJ looked out of place. Gabriel blamed his awkwardness on having to work with CJ.

After the shoot, everyone tells Nicole about CJ’s crummy attitude, and Nicole suggests they find ways to work with her that won’t irritate themselves. Cory Bautista chooses Amanda as the photoshoot winner and she receives a go-see at Bloomingdale’s for a store fashion show. Laury straight up tells Nicole that she thinks she had a better photo and should have won, and Nicole reminds her that Laury did have a good photo if she was trying to imitate an athlete, but that if Justin Steele had wanted someone to pull the faces athletes pull during play at this photoshoot, he would have hired an athlete. That pretty much shut her up and made her go cry in her room, which is good because, truth be told, her face was pretty unfashionable in that picture.

At the Bloomie’s go-see, the Bloomie’s reps are not that into Kerryn, and tell her that she doesn’t seem confident enough to carry the brand. Amanda, on the other hand, understands the brand and carries the clothes well, but they aren’t sure she’s ready just yet to walk in a Bloomingdale’s show. Meanwhile, back at the loft, the remaining models have a crazy photoshoot, at CJ’s request, and everyone starts to warm to her as Gabe walks around in his underwear, which, by the way, is his favorite kind of clothing. It’s too bad Amanda wasn’t there to pose with him in his classy undies, because he has a major crush on her and I can’t tell if his devotion to undergarments would be a turn-on or a turn-off.

The Catwalk Challenge for this sports-themed episode also involved sports . . .  and underwear! The models were asked to wear underwear paired with architectural forms and strike a sports pose at the end of the runway. The problem with this challenge, of course, is that most of the models chose sporting poses that were entirely unrecognizable.

Hu-what?

Hu-what?

  • Branden started off the show by ending in a boxing stance, complete with a little shuffle to the end of the runway. At least I could easily tell what sport he was trying to convey, but that shit looked weird.
  • A couple of the girls chose to be archers, which made sense, and Karen decided to end her runway as a track runner in a starting position . . . who is either possessed by a demon or scared beyond belief because her eyes were bugging out of her head. Scary.
  • I have no idea what Laury was trying to be when she leaned all the way back. It looked beautiful, but I have no clue what sport that was.
  • Clearly, the best runway of the night goes to Jonathan, who closed the show with one wicked cricket pitch. He had one of the most terrifying outfits, though, so that amazing cricket pitch looked like doom to me. But sexy doom. Good doom.
Sticky wicket isn't cricket, bitches!

Sticky wicket isn't cricket, bitches!

The judges called forth Jonathan, Sandhurst, Karen, Kerryn, Salome, Amanda and Gabriel as their best and worst. Kerryn was awarded the win and immunity, which was a boost to her confidence after the Bloomie’s go-see. Jonathan was also given a pass and told he was second best this week, yet again. Perrou told Salome to stop using her Mennonite background as an excuse for not knowing what sports are. (Seriously, girl, because you have television and magazines now and I bet you sure as shit watched the Olympics. I still love you, though.) But for her scary, scary end of runway pose, Karen was told to go home because there is no way in hell they can make those bug eyes into a supermodel.

In “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,” Tyson had to head to London for a photoshoot, so he prepared the models to take a mini-vacay themselves. Model/actor Michael Bergin filled in to mentor the boys while Tyson was away and he shepherded them through their photoshoot with Indira Cessarine. Indira asked all the models to let their inner selves shine by having them pose with their mirror image and express emotions (yes, emotions — how vague!). This shoot would have two winners, who would win go-sees that could book them jobs walking in Montreal Fashion Week.

The photoshoot itself was so uninteresting this week that Bravo actually had to break it up with footage of the models hanging out at home. Only four things are really notable here:

  1. Branden is very, very dumb and Bravo knows it. They cut immediately from him at home, asking where Montreal is, to him at his photoshoot in a 3-walled mirrored hallway, asking Indira Cessarine if, “you’re going to get front shots of me, or what?” Dude, I get that he’s only 18, but, seriously, the boy is not bright. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t become a firefighter, because I doubt he’d have the common sense and quick thought process it takes to do that job.
  2. It was established in the previous episode that Kerryn has a crush on Colin. She said then that he looks like Superman and she wants to be his Lois Lane, which lead to her putting her hand directly on his junk in this episode. It seems her mission is to get him to loosen up around girls and then deflower him. You go, Kerryn. I’m all about this hook-up.
  3. Shawn’s attempt to put his all into his photoshoot basically looked like he was auditioning for The Incredible Hulk. I am afraid of him.
  4. Amanda misses her son and was completely prepared to show those inner emotions in her mirror-image shoot . . . until Indira asked her to dance for her photoshoot, which I guess expresses the emotions of “freedom” and “energy.” (I put those in quotes because they’re not emotions, but states of being.) Amanda went along with it, though, because that’s her job. And you know what? It won her the photoshoot.
Don't hate me because I luck into beautiful shots!

Don't hate me because I luck into beautiful shots!

By the way, that also means that now everyone hates Amanda. Fellow Oregonian Branden also won, and the winning models chose to take Mountaha and Colin with them to Montreal. The boys went to see Dinh Bah, and the girls had their go-see with Christian Chenail. For the first time this season, all four models booked jobs for Montreal Fashion Week. Hooray all around! It also seemed as though Kerryn’s lessons were helping Colin a lot, giving him the confidence to chat up some ladies backstage at the fashion show . . . until he found out they were 16. Oops.

This week’s Catwalk Challenge explored the idea of the runway as performance art, in which the models would have to juxtapose their elegant clothing and freaky makeup in the tradition of Alexander McQueen (whose most recent runway show is THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN). In short, they had to walk like freaks. This presented a challenge for Colin, who only recently learned how to walk a runway well and now had to destroy everything he learned to walk freaky. I don’t know who cobbled together the wardrobe and makeup for this show, but many of the models did not look so much like “freaks” as they did like characters from a bad sci-fi series — Colin, Amanda and Gabriel in particular.

  • Jonathan did an excellent job showing off his strange pants by dramatically pulling out the exaggerated pockets, even if it was truly weird.
  • Uh, Kerryn had a rope on her outfit, so she decided to mime her way up the runway as through she were being pulled by a rope? Good thing she has immunity.
  • I have no fucking idea what Shawn is doing or why his outfit looks like it’s from a low-rent version of Ziggy Stardust, but he continues to scare me with his walk.
  • Laury got the coolest outfit of the night (that totally didn’t go with anything else) and it would have made Josephine Baker jealous. It takes a lot of balls to wear a banana skirt, and it takes even more balls to wear a giant metal asterisk as a dress.
Forget Punky Brewster, this is my new Halloween costume.

Forget Punky Brewster, this is my new Halloween costume.

The judges chose Shawn, Jonathan, Laury, Amanda, Colin, Branden and Sandhurst as their best and worst this week. When questioned about her strange runway walk, Amanda suddenly broke down in tears as she explained how her great photo this week came entirely from an emotional place she hadn’t prepared for. As she tried to tell the judges how much she missed her son, Perrou reminded her that this is not ANTM with a curt, “Don’t make excuses. We don’t care.” And Maggie Rizer reminded her not to let her emotions interfere with her job with yet another curt, “Oh, no, believe me. I do understand. I do.” I really don’t think Amanda would have had this problem if she had transferred those emotions to her freedom dance at the photoshoot. She was saved, and then Maggie Rizer tried to get Branden to date her little sister. They awarded Jonathan the top prize this week with immunity (finally!) and gave Shawn the boot. In the immortal words of Jenny Shumizu on Shawn’s runway performance:

“Even if you were alone in your own house, I wouldn’t do what he did.”

Seriously, this guy is 30. That's dead in model years.

Seriously, this guy is 30. That's dead in model years.

The Husband:

Can we all agree that judge Perrou is a complete pretentious, dickish cunt blowhard? (Take off your hoodie, douche!) And that co-host Nicole Trufino is kind of ridiculously scary on the panel, what with her drunk-sounding delivery and lack of anything remotely resembling normal human emotion? Her accent isn’t Australian so much as that of the planet Grafabular.

Fuck you. My ears are cold.

Fuck you. My ears are cold.

And does anyone want to see what would happen if Janice Dickinson sat in on one or two judges’ panel on this decidedly not-ANTM show, especially during the last two catwalk challenges? Lord, she would be confused, then she would make up stories about her past and tell all the contestants to stand still while she projectile vomits on all of them.