The Wife:

OMFG, ya’ll. I think my usual 90210 column “9 Lame Things About This Week’s 90210” is going to become “9 TOTALLY RIDICULOUS Things About This Week’s 90210.” I mean, seriously, way to come back and be totes ridic, 90210. At least I’m actually interested in the absurdity that’s happening in BevHills right now, so let’s take a look at how completely insane this show has become:

1. Naomi’s sex dream about Liam. Wow, I guess that really was a banana in his pocket.

2. Silver the sexual exhibitionist. While her desire to have sex in public/dangerous places is only one manifestation of just how crazy Erin Silver has become, I’m surprised that Dixon is so willing to go along with this when, just a few episodes ago, he wasn’t ready to swipe that V card. Wanna know some of the places they’ve fucked? Under the bleachers, in the media room at school and, strangely, somewhere at the Peach Pit. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d stop eating at a place where a crazy girl walked in and ordered a man, with dressing on the side. That’s dirty talk! You can’t order a man with dressing on the side at 16! If you do, you’re likely to end up like Adriana!

3. The dissolution of Ethan and Annie. I heard that Dustin Milligan will be leaving the show next year, so I’m not totally surprised that these two are breaking up. I am, however, completely baffled by the reasons why. Ethan claims that it’s not because Annie stole Rhonda’s suicide story for her acting class, but because she was such a good actress that he doesn’t know when she’s being real anymore. Um, thanks for the compliment, buddy, but you are not Keanu Reeves and this is not the Matrix. Besides, Annie’s not that good of an actress. This is probably the most insane reason I’ve heard to break up with someone since a high school boyfriend broke up with me over Moulin Rouge and e.e. cummings. (This fight was later summed up by a friend as, “You broke up over e.e. cummings? What, he wanted to capitalize the Es and you didn’t?” Yeah, Ethan and Annie’s breakup is as insane as that.)

4. Annie quitting the play to salvage her relationship with Ethan. Incorrect decision, Annie! Incorrect! You just single-handedly destroyed feminism!

5. Silver’s complete over-enthusiasm for poetry. Yes, yes – poetry is enriched when you have personal emotional access to what the poet is trying to convey, but the minute you start making up your own ridiculous metaphors (my favorite? “Your eyes are like a dirty swimming pool”) and crafting elaborate films about love, you’ve gone off the deep end. I’m glad you’re inspired, I really am. And I’m sure it’s nice for Matthews to hear that his English class has made you realize you want to be a filmmaker, but this was all too much. As I’m about to start teaching in the fall, let me say this: I hope I can inspire and lead my students, but never this much. Never, ever this much.

Im inspired! Look at me committing to my artistic (re: crazy) vision!

I'm inspired! Look at me committing to my artistic (re: crazy) vision!

6. Speaking of that film . . . that was the most hilarious, pretentious artsy-farsty student film I ever done did see! It was so incredible, I want to see it shown as part of a double bill with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room! And I really get what she was going with the emphasis on the eyes. I mean, they are the window to the soul, after all. Just . . . wow. Erin Silver is an arteest. An arteest, I say!

7. Annie’s confrontation with Rhonda, specifically this line from Annie: “Little did I know that ‘expanding your horizons’ was code for becoming a lying, cheating whore!” Oh, Annie. So dramatic! Also dramatic? Ethan’s subsequent confrontation of Annie when she’s hanging out with that drama club tool, who knows when to back off of a tense situation. This whole tiff/love triangle is all very silly, but, in the tradition of high schoolers everywhere, gets totally blown up to ridiculous proportions. And I laugh at their pain.

8. Liam’s whole drag racing thing. Because . . . why? More importantly, why wasn’t Liam’s car branded with Dr. Pepper?

9. This clearly takes the cake for the fucking craziest thing on this show: Silver’s final downward spiral into crazy town. After Dixon grows angry with her for filming them having sex and putting it in her movie (btw, if she put her camera down behind her in that locker room, how’d she get that front-facing shot? she’s a great filmmaker!) and Matthews’ shuts down the theatre she rented for her screening, she becomes totally nuts and, in an effort to salvage her relationship with Dixon agrees to burn the film. And by burn the film, she meant burn it in a garbage can in his backyard. Oh, but wait! The crazy doesn’t stop there! No, no. Thinking Matthews is behind all of this and that he engineered her downfall by encouraging her to make a film that he knew she would show publicly, thus completely embarrassing her the way she did to him on her blog, she fucking BREAKS INTO HIS HOUSE and demands that he fix things. How did she figure out his grand scheme? Oh, that’s quite simple, really. See, when she wanted to make a 45-minute film, he asked her if she was out of her mind, which is the same thing Dixon asked her when he saw she had filmed them having sex! Matthews totally got to Dixon! All to ruin her! ALL TO RUIN HER!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Just . . . wow. It’s really interesting to suddenly know that Silver has a serious mental illness. I mean, we saw the seeds of crazy when she got that Dixon tattoo, but now those seeds are growing into a full-fledged crazy bush. I hope that when she gets out of the mental hospital she will inevitably be in at the end of this season, that she turns that Dixon tattoo into the Dixon-Ticonderoga tattoo that I suggested. Then she could justify her craziness by being like the Marquis de Sade. Ooooooooh . . . wait . . . actually, let’s do a spin-off about Silver in the mental institution where she writes plays and makes movies starring the inmates! I’d watch that.

The Husband:

So it seems that the body snatcher situation I mentioned in re: Ethan so many times during earlier episodes of the season has spread, because now most of the characters are acting like completely different people. More specifically, the women. (My wife suggested we create a kind of flow chart to track this body snatching situation, but 9fneh doesn’t need that much time dedicated to it.)

So…Naomi, in her Liam love, has finally learned to let go and stop being such a control freak, and even if the drag racing stuff added up to virtually nothing, it did technically represent her literally being the passenger in someone else’s life, something she struggled to attain for most of this season. Naomi is, for all intents and purposes, becoming Annie.

Annie, on the other hand, is becoming a very shrewd player in the game of love, pitting people against each other and setting up way over-the-top situations (i.e. her and the drama club tool hanging out, which would piss off Ethan and thus lead into a mega-confrontation) and screaming nonsensical insanities at poor Ms. Teegarden. She is becoming bitchier by the moment. Annie is, for all intents and purposes, becoming Naomi.

Silver is losing her mind in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with her personality in the front half of this season. Read over my wife’s #9 list item and you will see that who was once a bold, cool, controlled person is becoming a complete wackjob, one who is completely blind to the effect she has on others and raises her selfishness to extreme heights. Silver is, for all intents and purposes, becoming Adrianna.

What the eff balls? I know that Entertainment Weekly made a point in their last issue to declare this episode a true personification of the original 90s series, what with its ridiculous histrionics and I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened nonsense. I mean, the episode was hilarious, if that’s what they meant. I guess that short article answers my question of whether or not the original 90210 was a quality show. Apparently, it wasn’t. It was just insane. Why didn’t people tell me this sooner?