Holy whizbang wow, kidlets, what the hell is going on over on 90210? The show has changed so drastically in tone since its return that it’s certainly not quite as lame, it is, however, really ridiculous. So, with that, let’s talk about “9 Rididdilyiculous Things About This Week’s 90210.”
1. Silver’s escape. While Ryan Eggold has the power to restrain and magically calm insane teenage girls who assault him with wine bottles, that’s apparently not enough to keep her from bolting out into crazy land. What I don’t understand is why she felt the need to hide under his table while he was out of the room, rather than just sneaking out the window that she destroyed when she not-so-stealthily sneaked in. She’s fucking nuts, though, so I guess that should serve as reason enough for having a burning desire to hide under your teacher’s table.
2. “It’s drugs! It’s got to be drugs!” Once word gets out in the 9fneh-verse that Silver has been doing some crazy shit and is now missing, everyone assumes that she’s on drugs. The jump-cuts between groups of characters discussing her apparent drug addiction were pretty amusing in a cheesy kind of way, but I’ll tell you one drug that Silver is definitely not on: weed. If that girl were smokin’ the ganja and Dixon broke up with her over her creepy/funny art film, she would just drive to the beach and smoke more weed and be cool with it. For the last time, everyone in the universe that demonizes the marijuana, smoking weed just makes you mellow, easily amused, hungry and probably a little bit sleepy. The worst thing it will do is make you a little paranoid, but you’re certainly not going to go kill your baby sister or start breaking into teacher’s homes and assaulting them with wine bottles.
3. Navid and Adriana turn into Ben and Amy from Secret Life. I guess because she’s pregnant and you don’t want a pregnant girl running up against a drug-crazed maniac, Adriana gets put on babysitting duty, hanging out Sammy. It took me the entire episode to remember that Sammy was Kelly Taylor’s kid, which is generally a bad sign. Adriana’s all like, “I’m not good with babies!” And Navid’s like, “Don’t give your baby up for adoption! Let this experience teach you how to be a mommy!” And it does. Let me tell you, Adriana is such a great actress that I think she plays a really believable dump truck or tractor. I bet she could act like a good mommy for the duration of her child’s life. Also, question: when, exactly, did Navid and Adriana get back together? I don’t even remember anymore.
4. Dixon’s ‘tude. What the ass, dude? I realize your lady pissed you off, but I am much more worried about Dixon being on drugs after he completely shut down and acted like he didn’t give a shit about the girl he just had huge fight with, but previously loved. I mean, clearly, she has mental health issues, but I think Dixon’s being the much more ridiculous person in this episode. What a dickmeat.
6. Silver’s quest. Um, maybe you shouldn’t run away and take a train to Kansas to discover what makes Dixon Dixon because, um, Dixon = Kansas and Kansas = Baking Soda or something. The quest is clearly kind of crazy because, you know, a normal person might just ask how their boyfriend feels about something. But I have to say that her speech about Dixon and chemical reactions would actually be really profound if it were 2 a.m. and she were drunk in a dorm room with her college roommates.
5. Train station Baby Denis Leary. Creepiest person ever. Clearly, Silver is distressed and ranting like a crazyface about her plans to take a train to Kansas, so what does Kevin the Denis Leary Look-alike do? He leers at her and follows her around like he’s going to board that train, murder her and rape her corpse. But no! In 90210‘s very lame attempt at misdirection, Kevin grabs her purse and fishes out her wallet, only to turn around and call the last number in her cell (Dixon’s, which mom Debbie picks up) to get in touch with her people so they can help her. Um, okay, guys, I’m glad to know that Kevin is a good person and that he isn’t going to kill Silver and rape her corpse, but there was NO NEED for him to be portrayed as kind of creepy and unnerving. He could have just been concerned! There had to have been a less creepy way to run these scenes!
6. Debbie’s password guesses include “Ludacris. ” Good job, Debbie. Way to stereotype your adopted Black son. You’re a wonderful person.
7. Ethan and Annie. So, apparently, being with Ethan meant that Annie had to make lots of sacrifices, and not just the play and her sense of self, but her potential friendship with Naomi. As the trio search the school for Silver, Annie learns the true meaning of the phrase Chicks before Dicks. Oh, wait, you guys have never heard that before? I made it up. It’s the ladies version of Bros before Hos. Spread it around. I don’t know why this plot was even in the episode at all. Couldn’t it have waited? And how did these three end up on search party duty at school, anyway?
8. Debbie’s insane speech about LA. Um, L.A. is definitely not my favorite part of California, but I am definitely going to go with “the big bad city is not corrupting your children.” And since when does anyone on 90210 give a shit about morals? I’m glad she changed her mind by the end and realized, through the miracles of gluten-free bread, that living in a place where her kids have options for enrichment other than cowtipping and fucking under the bleachers is a good thing. I quote: “I don’t even know what gluten is, but I like the option of not having to eat it.”
9. Train tracks! Oh, man, you know where a horrible place to have a life-changing relationship conversation is? On the train tracks! Thank God Dixon made a 180 from taking the Express to Doucheville and realized that Silver just needs TLC because she’s manic depressive, just like his mommy was. I’m bummed that his mom never took him to Disneyland, though. You’d think that once you make the drive from fucking Kansas you’d be committed to that shit, no matter what your mental state is. I am, however, surprised that it took the characters on this show so damned long to figure out that Silver needs to meet with some mental health professionals. I mean, it’s pretty clear to me that she’s unbalanced, although in my completely unprofessional opinion, I’ve never known a bipolar person who is quite so histrionic. Just . . . get that girl on medication. Stat. Nonetheless, thanks for the SLOTAT-esque PSA at the end. Check out 90210‘s lame tie-in site with Bipolar Kids. I applaud the notion of making mildly informative youth-oriented television, but this is a horrible website.
And, finally, let’s let Dixon sum up the show for us, shall we?
“Oh, God, what is happening?”
I’m actually very thankful for EW pointing out that the last couple episodes are the true direction the show should be going in if it wanted to live up to its previous incarnation, because it has freed me up to realize that I really enjoy the show if I give it absolutely zero thought. Gone are the confusing glances I make at the TV, because it would hurt to do that for 42 minutes. Gone is my attempt to streamline a character’s arc, because there aren’t any beyond four episodes at a time. Gone is the suspicion that the writers have no idea what they’re doing, because it’s not a suspicion anymore.
I still have yet to be bored by an episode of 9fneh, and in my world, that’s entirely okay. Now I can watch this show whenever I want instead of limiting myself to Tuesday nights, because it falls way behind Reaper, Idol and Fringe, and it goes very well the following morning with a bowl of Puffins mixed with Trader Joe’s house brand of Cheerios, the time when my brain isn’t entirely there before I go to work.
Now I get it. You guys were all insane during the 90s. That’s fine. It was a good time. Crazy was an optimistic way of life.