The Wife:

In what I’d like to believe is a very interesting commentary on the US Military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, the models were asked to have a very sexy “Ménage À Model” aboard the battleship USS New Jersey, dressed as military personnel secreting themselves away for some naughty, sexy fun times with their other officers. This is exactly how I believe the military operates, if I ignore my parents’ service records and the ongoing war and just pretend in a romanticized version of the military culled from various porn and 1940s musicals starring Gene Kelly. This was a super, super hot photoshoot, and I think the models knew it, too. Especially Kerryn, who continued lusting after virginal Colin when he dressed up like the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B. Don’t even worry, Kerryn. I would totally be all over Colin in that outfit. I would basically be all over all of these models, actually:

  • Mountaha, Gabriel and Sandhurst posed together as a very gropy trio of sailors. Sometimes, it was a Mountaha sandwich, sometimes a Sandhurst sandwich . . . whoa . . . someone should totally create a sandwich called the Sandhurst. I don’t know what would be on it, but it sounds very regal. The main issue with this shoot was Gabriel, as usual, being a pouty doucheface and Sandhurst getting a little too gropey on Mountaha.
  • Jordan, Amanda and Branden were grouped together for a voyeuristic sailor shot, where the two girls who hate each other most in the house had to lez it up while Branden posed off to the side as Billy Budd having a strange mastrubatory fantasy.
  • Bugle Boy Colin posed with Laury and Salome in old school Army uniforms, having a saucy makeout session. Colin was really hot in this picture. Like, really hot.
  • Jonathan and Kerryn got stuck with CJ, who, while she’s allegedly bisexual, showed absolutely no interest in making fake love to either of her scene partners for this photo. Kerryn went to a Christian modeling school (whatever the fuck that is) and she managed to pretend to have a libido in this shot, so I would expect CJ to up her game a little bit, but no. Thank God Jonathan’s chiseled abs completely distracted me from her presence; otherwise she would have brought the whole photo down.
Oh, sailor, why'd you do it?

Oh, sailor, why'd you do it?

Jonathan was awarded the winning photo and given a go-see at 2(x)ist, a brand of underwear that I am told is only worn by gay men. And boy howdy did the gentlemen of 2(x)ist adore Jonathan:

“Jonathan was amazing. I was a little nervous. My palms were sweaty.” – 2(x)ist representative

They did not, on the other hand, enjoy Jonathan’s friend Gabriel quite as much. Even though Gabriel truly loves underwear and spends most of his time in the house wearing nothing but, the folks at 2(x)ist were not as impressed with Gabriel. They were especially not impressed that he left his dirty drawers behind, a fact they asked Jonathan to express to Gabriel when they later called to inform the Suffolk plumber that he had just become the face of their new campaign.

That’s right: Jonathan booked a national ad campaign. Proof positive that this show actually gives more of a shit about how modeling works and produces real, working high fashion and commercial models. Maybe after ANTM has its short girls season, it can do a season for male models?

Cory dropped by this week to check up on everyone’s measurements, and poor Salome was deemed too fat by one whole inch to work with NY Model Management. Poor Salome. I’m sure Mennonites know nothing about nutrition, which would explain her aversion to eating “rabbit food.” As a vegetarian, I can’t tell you how much I hate when people refer to eating vegetables as “rabbit food” as though ingesting them somehow makes you less human. That phrase needs to be looked at in an entirely different light, as in, “It’s generally good for you to eat things rabbits eat. And a rabbit would damn sure not eat a Hot Pocket.”

In keeping with the theme of supreme sexiness, the Catwalk Challenge from “Ménage À Model” asked the models to walk in a gender-bending fashion show with designs from Commes de Garcon and Marc Jacobs’ Men in Dresses campaign and some chic YSL skinny suits for the ladies. Gabriel and CJ were, as always, nothing but dour on the runway, and although I liked CJ’s outfit best out of all the girls, she mentioned that she really doesn’t like being looked at, which made me yell at her through my television set and proclaim that if she isn’t into being looked at, she is definitely in the wrong business.

It's like she stole my whole Vesper Lynd look, but isn't nearly as happy about it.

It's like she stole my whole Vesper Lynd look, but isn't nearly as happy about it.

The judges called for CJ, Sandhurst, Jonathan, Gabriel, Kerryn and Mountaha as their Best and Worst of the evening. Kerryn was declared the winner and CJ finally got the boot, leaving only one exceptionally dour person to ruin everything for everyone.

This week, the models were asked to “Take a Deep Breath” and pose underwater for photographer Howard Schatz, a task apparently designed to torture poor Mennonite Salome, who opened this episode with one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard:

“Oh no! I can’t swim! Or I don’t know how to breathe underwater!”

Well, yeah, girl, swimming is generally a combination of “breathing underwater” and moving, so if you can’t do either of those things, you’re pretty fucked. I don’t know much about Mennonites, but was swimming in the watering hole really not allowed when Salome was a kid? As someone who has lived on the Pacific Coast for her entire life (and soon will live on the Puget Sound), I can’t imagine intentionally living in a place that does not have an immediate source of water. That strikes me as biologically insane. Maybe its because my father was a sailor and, though he never wanted to take to the sea again after I was born (to this day, my mother has to beg him to go on cruises with her), it was imperative for him to live in a place where he could easily see that water was around him, but I just can’t understand living in a place that isn’t only a short distance from an ocean, lake or river. As such, I am exceptionally baffled by most of the American Southwest. So for a grown person to not know how to swim strikes me as extremely, extremely odd. I just cannot wrap my brain around it, but I guess that’s what I get growing up a sailor’s daughter on the California Coast.

Like a fish out of water . . . or a fish who doesn't normally beathe water being in water.

Like a fish out of water . . . or a fish who doesn't normally beathe water being in water.

Howard was, however, exceptionally patient with Salome, and bless her little heart, she did a great job of acting like she wasn’t scared to death of drowning. Howard taught everyone a trick to increase their lung capacity so they could stay underwater for longer periods of time (a trick I admittedly do not know, even though I used to be a pretty strong swimmer), and he let Salome practice extra long while the others did their shots until she felt comfortable. Even when, during her shoot, she couldn’t figure out how to get her head back up to the surface, Howard admonished his crew for not coming to her aid quickly enough, and told her he could still get a good shot with her one hand out of the water, holding on to a bar, or with a crew member holding her foot so he could propel her to the surface when she felt she needed to breathe again. But Salome refused the bar because she wanted to do the shot right, and I applaud her for that. She didn’t let her fear hold her back, and she managed to produce a very pretty shot. Bravo, Salome. I am much more proud of you than Nicole Trufino is pretending to be.

As for other shots, Gabriel thought he did excellently, but Howard felt like Gabe had nothing going on in his head brain, Amanda struggled to not show a whole bunch of her vagine in her photo and Branden got really, really cocksure:

“He said all I had to do is look pretty. That’s what I do best, bitch!”

Jordan was awarded the win and sent on a go-see at People’s Revolution, to which she brought Salome, saying that the girl deserved a prize after her hardship at the shoot today. Salome joked that it was in Jordan’s best interest to bring “the fat girl” with her so she would book the job for sure. And, lo, that came to pass. Despite Jordan’s grotesquely large hips, she fit right into the samples and the folks at People’s Revolution liked her better, finding Salome to be a little too full-figured for their taste. Oh, girl, if you are full figured, then what does that make ANTM Cycle 10 winner Whitney Thompson? And even then, we all know the “plus size” girls on ANTM are not actually plus size. Fashion industry! Stop with your ridiculous standards!

Jordan's winning shot really is the most beautiful of the bunch.

Jordan's winning shot really is the most beautiful of the bunch.

After the shoot and go-see, everyone took some time at the house to party down and play beer pong. Jonathan bounced a ping pong ball off of Laury’s vagine, which was totally awesome, and the Amanda and Gabriel flirtation found a new way to be annoying as they descending from wasting delicious Blue Moon beer by pouring it on one another’s faces to getting in a tiff after he hit her on the head and teased her about being stupid (specifically, not having a brain in her head, thus producing a hollow sound). Amanda decided she wasn’t going to talk to him anymore, which I think should have been fine with everyone, who should have noticed in his dismal photoshoot that he would be leaving them after the catwalk.

Because of the water in the photoshoot, Nicole Trufino announced that the Catwalk Challenge would also be elemental, with the girls dressed as fire and the boys dressed as ice. Ice, by the way, is not actually an element. It’s kind of just frozen water. Why not have them be metal or earth? Or, if we’re using the Captain Planet system of naming elements, heart? I would have been much more amused by Gabriel’s performance had he been forced to wear a monkey on his shoulder. Before they all changed into their designs by Dolce and Gabbana and Alexander McQueen, runway coach David Ralph helped everyone perfect their walk. Most notably, Colin was told he should walk like a string was drawing his belt buckle forward. In other words, he had to learn to walk with his cock. This is good on the runway, but when you see someone walk with their cock in real life, it’s actually quite odd. I knew a guy in high school that did that. It was weird.

But I wanted to post Jonathan's, too, because he was the only person who got an upside down shot and it's really, really cool.

But I wanted to post Jonathan's, too, because he was the only person who got an upside down shot and it's really, really cool.

Branden, Sandhurst, Mountaha, Salome, Jordan, Gabriel and Laury were chosen as this week’s Best and Worst. Branden was called out for his cockiness by both David Ralph and Perou. Man, you know it’s bad when a first rate douchebag like Perou is calling you cocky. Salome was told that she’s girlfriend attractive, but not model attractive, because she’s curvy. Perou liked her sexy walk because he’s a man and men like sexy walks, but not because it was good for a model. She was, however, saved because she survived the water torture they put her through earlier. Ultimately, Gabriel was ousted because he just can’t get that damn sour look off his face and Sandhurst, who is consistently pretty awesome, was given the win.

I really like Salome, and I hope she doesn’t lose too much of what makes her sexy by conforming stringently to what NY Model Management wants her to be. Even if she doesn’t win this show, I am certain that another agency will take her because she takes such strong pictures. She might just turn out to be a more editorial girl than a runway girl, and that’s really not a bad career to have.