The Wife:

With Fo gone, the house seems to have divided itself along color lines, as in the girls who are the color of the bottom of a swimming pool are friends, as are the girls with actual pigment in their skin. Newly divided into virtual teams, the girls received a Tyra Mail that was basically just a bunch of strange bird sounds (later revealed to be onomatopoetic interpretations of dance beats) and were shipped off to learn the samba with Paulina, who told the girls that dancing is like modeling because if you don’t know what you’re doing, you have to be good at faking it. That’s a good rule for life, in general, actually. Unless you’re faking things like neurosurgery and a knowledge of the law. Those would be bad things to fake. As expected, Paulina told Celia to relax while dancing, was afraid Allison would inadvertently hurt herself with all her clumsy awkwardness, commended Aminat on her effortless grace and was surprised Teyona wasn’t better at moving from place to place. (Um, remember last week’s go-sees? When she fumbled from place to place? Or does Paulina not watch the dailies?)

This reminds me: whos excited for So You Think You Can Dance???? I am!

This reminds me: who's excited for So You Think You Can Dance???? I am!

But this teach was not all the dancing the girls would be required to do, as their next Tyra Mail instructed them to not look down and they were brought to a rooftop to dance the samba before Paulina once again. The girl who fake-sambaed the best would be awarded $7K worth of Ara Vartanian jewelry, and, even though she’s old, Paulina gave Celia the win because she learned to relax and did the best fake samba. She was allowed to share her prize with someone else, so she chose Allison, because girls with no pigment got to stick together, much to Aminat’s chagrin, as she thought she should have been chosen as second best premiere dancer. (Probably, but for all Aminat’s complaining about how Paulina didn’t understand the friendships in the house, Aminat herself apparently didn’t understand how girls on Top Model share prizes.) Now, I have no problem believing that Celia chose her friend to share her prize, but what I do have trouble believing is that one pair of earrings and one necklace made with semi-precious stones totaled $7K. Really? Really, Ara Vartanian? Look, those giant hunks of onyx with the microscopic rubies were beautiful, but I’m so sure they’re not worth more than $1K. And the turquoise and silver necklace Allison chose? Maybe $500. If that’s how much his jewelry made from semi-precious stones cost, I can’t wait to see the price tag on a diamond solitaire.

The next Tyra Mail said something I didn’t even bother writing down about mama birds and baby birds, and the next morning Sutan and Christian Marc showed up to start the girls’ hair and makeup at the house before driving them two hours away from Sao Paulo and into the heart of the Brazilian jungle (and by heart, I mean outskirts).


“This is not, like jungle for TV.” — Aminat


On the way, they found a dramatic Tyra, pretending her Jeep broke down and picked her up and took her to the shoot, which worked out well, as she was the photographer this week. I love a Tyra shoot for a number of reasons, and this was one of the best. It was creative and interesting (the modelettes posed as birds in nests), and filled with Tyra ridiculata. Allow me to give you some of Tyra’s discernible utterances:

  • “Okay, so you are a birdie-owl-slash-pterodactyl.”
  • Tyra thinking a moth is a bat.
  • Tyra’s near-death experience i.e. tripping and not even falling.
  • “I woulda died getting your shot, girl! I almost just died!”
  • “And one of ya’lls gonna be up on her covah!” (Okay, so that was at panel about Anne Shoket, but still. Tyra.)
Sad, scared little birds.

Sad, scared little birds.

Personally, I thought the pigmentally challenged girls did much better on this shoot than the girls with skin tone. Allison and Celia both just stood out in their photos more to me, wore the makeup better and really were commanding presences in their photos. Not to mention that Tyra enjoyed shooting both of them better than she did Teyona and Aminat. But Celia’s old, and she can’t help that. So I think you can see where the producers were leading us. Tyra was so busy turning the modelettes into birds that she forgot to kidnap babies for her stupid Finding Your Inner Fierceness promos for nothing, so instead, they went straight to panel.

  • Allison: This was a truly stunning photo, and it’s amazing that she is not overwhelmed by all that hair and makeup, says Nigel. Tyra was impressed during the shoot and Miss J even complimented Allison’s work . . . in owl.
  • Teyona: Her body angles in this picture are not ideal, but her face looks stellar. The judges are split. I think the photo is really static, Paulina and Nigel like it, but Anne and Tyra don’t think it’s Teyona’s best work. (True.)
  • Celia: “It’s always daring when you put your armpit straight to camera, but it works,” says Nigel. Tyra thinks she looks like an Amazon, and compares Celia’s bone structure to Paulina’s. Tyra also mentions that while Celia photographs old and isn’t conventionally pretty, she was very fresh in her shoot. Anne thinks her body looks perfect in the photo. I just think the photo is perfect.
  • Aminat: Everyone at panel is happy that Aminat finally managed to catch the light on her face, even though her gorgeous body is kinda busted in this pose. I actually don’t like this entire photo, because even though her face caught the light, it isn’t saying anything.
Well, at least one chick named Allison had a good Wednesday night!

Well, at least one chick named Allison had a good Wednesday night!

Callouts: It was kind of a foregone conclusion that Allison would get the first callout, and that Tyra favorite Teyona would make the final three, leaving Aminat the Sour and Celia the Old in the bottom two. After much debate about their potential as models, Celia’s age and Celia’s fabulousness, Celia was sent home, with the express instructions that she was born to work in the fashion industry . . . as an editor or a stylist. Not so much as a model.

I love Celia to death, and I seriously hope that someone is smart enough to put her on one of the hundreds of personal styling/makeover/fashion design shows floating around the networks these days. Could she perhaps be Tim Gunn’s next assistant on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style? Maybe Bravo could give Celia her own show, or she could run around with Tabatha Coffey giving people fierce hair and fierce clothes. She deserves a showcase for that sense of style, even if it isn’t in the pages of a magazine.

The Husband:

Every once in a while, ANTM does something that greatly confuses me. Okay, they ousted Celia because of her age. Then why did they bring her on the show in the first place? I understand that they often try to make a point with their selections, that for instance just because a model is 25 does not mean she can’t pose young. But that really wasn’t their beef with Celia this week, because she avoided that whole “you model more maturely than we’d like” problem. Basically, they fired her for the same reason they hired her. So what was the point? Not even having a superior picture to both Teyona and Aminat could get her into the Top 3, so what else could she have done?

Farewell, enjoy your career as an assistant stylist somewhere!

Farewell, enjoy your career as an assistant stylist somewhere!

You confuse me, Tyra.