The Wife:

Last week, the aspiring models learned to lead “The Simple Life” and were taken out to a ranch for a “rugged” country shoot involving farm animals and the spirit of the American cowboy, in which I learned that Jonathan is God’s gift to male modeling and it would be a complete and total thing if he didn’t win this season. There was some debate before the shoot where Jordan was a snotty bitch about the fact that Amanda and Salome felt they would do well because they grew up on farms and ranches, thus giving them more experience with animals. I don’t know why Jordan has to be such a snotty bitch about everything, but she is. She’s a good model, but a terrible human being. Although she is right about one thing:

“I’d rather wrestle a pig in a photo shoot than shoot with Amanda again.”

Nobody likes Amanda. Because she sucks. Let’s do some model math on this shoot:

  • Sandhurst + a baby calf = Totally golden photograph that shows how damn strong Sandhurst is.
  • Branden + a steer = Wounded masculinity, in that he didn’t look rugged in this shot at all.
  • Mountaha + a baby calf = One bewildered shot out of a series of wasted frames with an unhappy cow.
  • Salome + steer = Bonanza Jellybean in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues.
  • Colin + steer = A still from Witness? He couldn’t have looked more Amish in this shot, or more cinematic, which isn’t totally a good thing..
  • Jonathan + horses = I don’t know how to quit you because you are totally the best model in this competition and I want to hang that photo on my wall and stare at it.
  • Jordan + a horse = The only time Jordan has taken a really bad shot.
  • Amanda + a horse = But at least Jordan’s shot didn’t look like it came out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Quote photographer Aliya Naumoff, “It’s like she’s making love to a horse.”
If I were a dude, I would go Brokeback for this.

If I were a dude, I would go Brokeback for this.

It became increasingly evident that Jonathan’s only real competition on this show is Sandhurst, as he won the shoot and was awarded a go-see at Buffalo jeans, which he immediately thought would be problematic because Sandhurst has self-proclaimed “thunder thighs.” In other words, being a ballet dancer has made him develop stellar, muscular, strong legs that are not ideal for modeling. He brought Branden along with him because they’re the same height, so the folks at Buffalo would be forced to choose between two equivalent things. Colin sang Sandhurst a cute little diddy about his thunder thighs as they left and, once there, the folks at Buffalo weren’t too thrilled with how tight Sandhurst’s jeans were (although, “that is a look, now”). They liked how the jeans fit Branden better, but didn’t like him as a model. Neither gentleman booked a job.

At the house, a personal trainer dropped by to whip everybody into shape, which is good because in addition to being a whiny bitch, Jordan also isn’t a gym rat and spends her time loafing about while the others murder themselves to get in shape. She even attacked the fridge, telling Sandhurst that a cereal bowl the size of his head is too large and that Branden would have to give up his bacon.

“I’m gonna miss you, bacon. My life isn’t gonna be the same without you.” – Branden

For their Catwalk Challenge, the models donned outfits inspired by the English countryside. Branden noted that Jonathan has a very English walk, whatever that means, and Jonathan himself thought that he had an advantage here because he’s lived in the English countryside and knows how people walk there . . . which I would assume is not at all how one would want to walk on a runway.

Amanda, Sandhurst, Jonathan, Mountaha, Colin and Branden were called down as the best and worst of the bunch. Nicole lobbied to save Colin (which I think means she wanted to do him), but her weird alien influence wasn’t enough and, after Jonathan was declared the winner, Colin was sent home. I, too, will miss his cute-ass face. But I hope he follows Tyson’s parting advice:

“Colin, go home. And get laid.”

The models then rallied for their next assignment in “Naked Ambition,” in which they were told by photographer Bill Diadato to select their “one perfect accessory” from a table to model with in their photo shoot . . . naked. Perhaps the luckiest in this shoot were those who chose scarves (Jonathan, Amanda) or large handbags (Jordan), while others with smaller accessories had a bigger challenge.

Branden’s biggest challenge was apparently his hairy balls, which the makeup folks suggested he shave before the shoot . . . and he cut himself. I’ll let Sandhurst explain the situation, because it was really fucking funny:

“Apparently, uh, his testicles are bleeding. You know, I’m sorry. There’s really no way to sugarcoat that one. His testicles are bleeding.”

Amanda tried to put her best face forward, even though everyone else (re: Jordan) mentioned that she was the most insecure in the house about her body. She mentioned in confessional that she’s very comfortable with her body because, in order to keep her son from becoming homosexual, she’s naked around him all the time. Um, okay, Amanda. First of all, if that doesn’t give him a total Oedipal complex, I don’t know what will. And you’re an idiot, because that’s not how people “become” gay. I wish she had said this in front of Jenny Shumizu so Jenny could tell her, straight up, “You know that makes no sense, right?”

I wish I knew how to knit you.

I wish I knew how to knit you.

Let’s do some more model math about this photo shoot:

  • Jonathan + a grey scarf = Wow. Jonathan is a god amongst men. He has an amazing body (and a really great ass!) and I think this shot is even sexier than his shot with the horsies.
  • Mountaha + 5 in. heels = A really difficult shot to pull off. She had a lot of trouble crouching, but her final shot, showing off her backside, was so stunning, and probably the most artistic of the bunch.
  • Salome + big earrings = “This picture is definitely never gonna be in the Mennonite weekly news.” Nope. No, it’s not because it’s a really great beauty shot of Salome’s gorgeous face. Plus, the photographer seemed to like her ass, which is a first for this show.
  • Sandhurst + gloves = “I am an African god warrior and everyone wants to see me naked.” I actually liked this picture more and more each time I looked at it. Not only does he look stellar in it, but I think he was the only person to show off his accessory in a really unique way.
  • Jordan + big-ass white bag = This girl is such a good model she got her final shot in one goddamn take.
  • Amanda + scarf = The first bad shot of the bunch, displaying neither the model nor the accessory well. But, to Amanda’s credit, I think she has a future as a Goldie Hawn look-alike. There were moments during her shoot where she looked exactly like Goldie. It was uncanny.
  • Branden + tie = The only shoot the photographer would have asked to set up a re-shoot for. That said, Branden did end up lucking into a shot that looked better than Amanda’s.
Please just look at how he's holding his hands. I know it's hard to look past the muscles, but I really think he did the best job showing the accessory here.

Please just look at how he's holding his hands. I know it's hard to look past the muscles, but I really think he did the best job showing the accessory here.

Salome was given the win, even though the other models thought it odd that her shot was the only shot that contained only the top half of the model’s body. To which I say, guys, if they hadn’t cropped that shot, you wouldn’t have been able to see the earrings. It was entirely a choice of showing the accessory well, not that Salome’s ass is bigger than any of yours and doesn’t look good on film. (Because, believe me, it does look good on film.) She won a go-see with Vitra, a lifestyle furniture company, and took Jordan along with her. In the car, Jordan bitched and moaned about how annoying everyone in the house was. Salome agreed, and then totally won my heart by telling Jordan that she was also annoying. Jordan had no reply to that, and justice was served. Even so, the folks at Vitra liked Jordan a little better for the brand, citing that Salome was a little too dramatic for their tastes, but neither girl booked the job that day, as there were still other models to look at.

In the house, people complained about Salome’s various wins and how she still hasn’t booked any jobs, which Jordan caught on her Shit Talking-ometer as they walked into the house. Sadly, Jonathan received a call from his wife saying that she couldn’t make rent this month with her husband gone. I’m sure that won’t ever be an issue again when he wins (especially when he gets his advance from 2xist), but for now, I really don’t think he should beat himself up about it. I truly love the fact that he wants to be the breadwinner for his family and that he wants to provide for them, but surely finances are not so bad that his lovely bride can’t dip into their savings to pay rent while he’s gone. Or, barring that, surely she could pick up some extra cash running a neighborhood day care in her home or even borrow a bit from her parents. There are a ton of solutions, and I hope Jonathan knows that and doesn’t let his concern for his family completely interfere with his incredible fierceness as a model.

Please cast her as a space babe in some shitty B movie.

Please cast her as a space babe in some shitty B movie.

For the Catwalk Challenge, the models were asked to make living art on the runway by walking in neon body-conscious clothing with a globe filled with butterflies over their heads. Mountaha was clearly the best in this challenge, wearing that butterfly dome like it was nobody’s business. Of the ladies, she also looked the best in her lime green mini-dress. I even thought Amanda did well today, presenting probably her best-ever catwalk. But even that wasn’t enough to save her, as Sandhurst was given immunity (yay!) and Amanda and fellow Oregonian Branden landed themselves in the bottom two. Although Branden technically had the worse photoshoot, Amanda turned out the weaker photo and then made excuses about how that shoot was really important for her because she hasn’t felt comfortable with the way her body has changed since she had her son – something Salome totally called her out on because, hey, your book doesn’t have those excuses for your bad work in it, just your bad work. So Amanda was sent home to keep her son from being gay by hanging out naked in front of him all the time, which is probably something she is better at than modeling.