And so one of the least interesting seasons of Top Model ends by choosing a completely unsurprising winner, the girl I thought was so unmemorable that I actually forgot she existed halfway through the season. She of the wind-tunnel face, Teyona.
But before she could be crowned, the final three had to do their requisite CoverGirl shoot and commercial, coached by McKey, who, for some reason, was given the haircut Hilary Swank had in Boys Don’t Cry, which detracts from her beauty and makes her look really, really awkward and gawky.
[Husband Note: Well, McKey is awkward and gawky, which is what made her interesting, but she was never that awkward and gawky.]
- Aminat: This girl, aside from her obvious problem with clipping the ends of her words, has the most unpleasant manner of speaking. But the good news is her commercial isn’t totally awful and her eyes absolutely sparkle throughout it. She’s beautiful, truly, and if she never spoke again I’d be totally mesmerized.
- Allison: She looks so lovely and ethereal on camera and her commercial isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be, even though she blanked on her lines. The photographer who shot her print ad thinks that, for some reason, she has a Bettie Page kind of look, which couldn’t be further from the truth, because she looks like a lemur. Or maybe the slow loris.
- Teyona: I have no idea where all these nerves came from because Teyona has been so kind and happy-go-lucky throughout this whole competition, but she fell apart on this shoot. She kept messing up, got frustrated and cried during her take. What the fuck?
At panel, the girls photos and commercials were reviewed and they were told that the final two would be chosen to walk for design Amir Salama’s Rosa Chá line, and that it would involve something I don’t understand called the Brazilian Stomp. As I watched the cut of the commercial, I realized why there was one line of each girl’s script that I could not for the life of me understand . . . it’s because it was in Portuguese. Good job, me. I’m assuming that was the Portuguese translation of “easy, breezy, beautiful” because I didn’t hear that anywhere else in the commercial. As for their beauty shots for the campaign, all were lovely. Teyona looked like Zoe Saldana as Uhura in the new Star Trek, and I was surprised that she wasn’t hindered by being the only girl with a ponytail in her shot. Lemur Allison looked so lovely, and Aminat received the kiss of death from Tyra. That is, describing her photo with the sounds the adults make on Peanuts. “Wha wha.” Because of that, the right two girls were sent through to the final two, and I took a bathroom break with Aminat cried over her rejection or whatever she did.
Tyra immediately shipped Teyona and Slow Lorrison to meet with Anne Shoket to do their Seventeen cover trys. Anne Shoket said she thought this was a neck-and-neck race, but, clearly, Allison’s cover looked better and suited the brand better. Then it was off to the fucking weirdest, trip-tastic fashion show ever seen on ANTM. I’m kind of in love with the nation of Brazil now because it seems like their entire sense of beauty is based on what looks good on drag queens. In their Rosa Chá bikinis, their girls were decked out with bird feathers and jaunty little top hats as though they were a very literal interpretation of Satine’s gentle “One Day I’ll Fly Away” from Moulin Rouge. At first the girls did their bird thing down the runway, with Allison strutting a much improved walk, then they were asked to don full Carnivale headdresses and do whatever the Brazilian Stomp is and then the strangest thing occurred: the girls were covered in oil and asked to writhe in a sexy bikini tar orgy in the middle of the runway.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ………………………………………………………………. WHAT?
WHAT THE FUCK?
Look, I get the girls being jungle birds in top hats and bikinis and how that goes with the strange Carnivale headdresses, but I do not understand the oil orgy. I would like the oil orgy on its own, as Allison said it was like being in an art installation (true), but combined with the other shit, it makes no fucking sense. Was the intent of the show to explore being tarred and feathered? Because that’s kind of what it did.
Also, Teyona lost her weave up in that bikini oil orgy and she flung it around like it was part of the show, which is more than enough reason for me to be okay with her winning. She gets extra points for that for sure.
At panel, everyone noted how impressed they were with Allison’s walk, and they said they felt that Teyona was sometimes a model-bot on the runway, especially when Miss J tried to get the girls to dance with him at the end of the runway. In a comparison of their photos, it’s clear that Teyona was good and consistent across the board, and that Allison was most improved. But the show is not called America’s Most Improved Model, it’s called America’s Next Top Model and so Teyona was crowned and forced to do a photoshot with crazy-hair Tyra.
And so we slink off into summer and hibernate by the pool in our Rosa Chá bikinis and jaunty little top hats and weird-ass feather creations until the fall, when Tyra will bring us what I’m sure will be the fucking strangest season in Top Model history: the short girl season. I really have no desire to see girls model commercial juniors clothing for 13 weeks, and I know I’m constantly going to be yelling things at my television like, “Your proportions are all wrong!” “Where are your legs?!” And I’ll, of course, be forced to endure repeated reminders that Miss Eva the Diva was only 5’6″ and 3/4 and that Kate Moss is short at 5’7.” But I will watch it. Because I will never not love this show, so long as Tyra and her giant ego and even bigger hair are there, so too will I be.
Yeah, it was a pretty uneventful season, but I also appreciated the lack of manufactured drama. That’s what always rubs me the wrong way, and while some of the photo challenges were not top-notch, I have still never been bored by one episode of this show. Teyona was a passable winner, but I doubt she’ll be remembered for very long.
Oh, and in case you missed it, this is what went down over on the Tyra show yesterday afternoon when they had an ANTM Graduation Party.
- Tahlia is pregnant, even though she was told that, as a result of her burns and the surgeries, this couldn’t happen. And she’s inspiring women wounded in combat.
- Fo thinks she invented the term “Blaxican” when she was eight, thus making her an idiot.
- Celia is still fashionable.
- As evidenced by her drawing of a bleeding Tyra, Allison’s art is pretty sweetastic. (Wife’s note: I would, ideally, like a room filled with art by Allison and actor Matthew Gray Gubler.)
- Old queens at retirement homes do pretty good Tyra impersonations. Which is not surprising. At all.