To begin, thank God that Salome and Jonathan reversed last week’s tragic makeovers! Thank also the producers for asking the models to shoot a swimwear shot during a 34-degree New York winter! This was a great attempt at realism, in which Nicole pointed out that because of conflicts with the runway season, most swimwear campaigns are shot in the winter. However, she neglected to mention that they’re shot in the winter in places where winter is no colder than 50 degrees! Sports Illustrated shot their swimsuit edition all around the freakin’ Mediterranean, not the island of Manhattan! And guest SI model Jessica Gomes would definitely, definitely know that better than anyone. And so the models were tortured as Nicole, Tyson and photographers Markus Klinko and Indrani (which kind of sounds like a Scandinavian rock band) stood around in parkas, asking naked people to act like they weren’t cold while posing with frozen sea creature corpses. It was pretty glorious, actually. There are few things in this world I love more than semi-nudity and seafood.
- Salome: They put her in a butt-baring thongkini and asked her to loft a very sinewy, long dead fish over her head. At first, the photographers had a lot of trouble getting the right expression out of Salome, but eventually, she settled in and delivered a golden shot, with her glorious ass straight to camera. Photographers really seem to love her body, which is kind of like a giant fuck you to Marlon.
- Jonathan: The man can carry two ungainly dead fish and look amazing. I’m a bit put off by the toothy expression he had in these pictures, but he got a great action shot out of this deal.
- Sandhurst: Being from a place where one might actually shoot a swimwear campaign, Sandhurst was colder than the rest during his shoot and never really seemed to be able to put his mind over the matter that his balls were freezing. He got an okay shot, with a lackluster face and slimy octopode corpses dripping all over his shoulders.
- Branden: The fish in Branden’s shot was a better model than he was.
- Mountaha: They put her in a silver swimsuit, slicked back her hair and wrapped her shoulders in an eel stole. Her pose, style and demeanor in this shot actually reminded me of the model in Maurizio Nichetti’s Ladri di Saponette (or, The Icicle Thief), Heidi Komarek, who I think was an actual model in the 80s. The image to your right is a tiny thumbnail of Heidi Komarek, which when you compare to Mountaha’s picture, I think is pretty uncanny. Her shot blew me away. And now I kind of want an eel stole.
Salome was given the win, although I really think this one should have gone to Mountaha. Nonetheless, as the only two girls left, they both got to go-see at Amir Slama’s Rosa Chà, who is all over my teevee recently. Mountaha was excited to meet him because they’re both Brazilian. Unfortunately, Slama didn’t like either girl in his swimwear, but he did offer them jobs modeling his dresses at an upcoming trunk show. Success! Meanwhile, Nicole arranged a job for the boys, as well. They were asked to promote hip furniture store BluDot by modeling on and interacting with the furniture and the customers. Jonathan excelled at this, in part because he’s such a charming carnival barker. Branden was a total tool, but that kind of worked to his advantage here. Sandhurst, on the other hand, just does not have quite the right attitude to be in sales. Nonetheless, they all got paid for the day, so it was a win for everyone!
At home, Marlon dropped by to critique everyone’s swimsuit shots. He actually wasn’t totally mean to Salome, although he did point out that how great she looked in the shot was probably due to some cellulite retouching. Although, really, I’m not sure why that would matter as every single photo that goes in a campaign is retouched in some way. He also kind of destroyed Branden’s confidence while renewing Jonathan’s and gave everyone helpful tips for how to look stronger, taller or thinner in their photos.
At the Catwalk Challenge, the models were told they would no longer have immunity as the winner and were asked to model two looks in high fashion designs by The Blonds, one goth and one glam. Allow me to provide you with my favorite quote from this episode on The Blonds:
“I saw this cute little girl and as soon as she turned the corner, I was like, ‘Adam’s apple!’ Branden was like, ‘Boobies!’ And I was like, ‘Nuh-uh.'” – Jonathan
That right there? Inspired. Also inspired? Every single thing The Blonds put the models in.
- For a second, I thought Branden was Adam Lambert in a blonde wig.
- Sandhurst in a blonde pompadour looks like a muscular version of Prince.
- Mountaha looks so fucking fierce I can’t stand it.
- Jonathan = rawr.
- Salome’s wig is terrible, but her metal star dress is my second favorite metal creation of the week. (Behind Adam Lambert’s epaulettes, of course.)
- Putting Sandhurst in brown pants is kind of a bad idea, as it took me a long time to realize he was wearing pants at all.
- Mountaha! Showgirl feathers! She is fucking killing me today!
- Jonathan looks like an Egyptian metal god. Even I don’t know what that really means.
After some strange discussion from Jenny Shumizu in which she dubbed Branden euro-looking and avant garde (because those are not words I would ever attach to him), the judges decided that Jonathan should be this week’s winner, and while I love him, this should have been Mountaha’s week, for sure. They also decided, perhaps with Jenny Shumizu’s urging, that Branden should stay in the competition, putting Salome and Sandhurst in this week’s loser category. Ultimately, Sandhurst was allowed to stay, while Salome’s sweet ass was sent home.
I love Sandhurst, and I believe he can rise above his biggest critique:
“You have the body of a supermodel, but the face of an accountant.”
But, really? Really? Salome? Over Branden, who is so one-note I don’t know what to do with him? A guy whose shoot would have been reshot only a few weeks ago? I knew Salome wouldn’t win this season, but she should have been in the final four. Even though the show is not called Make Me a Print Model, she deserved one more week on Make Me a Supermodel, because the show is also not called Make Me a Mediocre Model, and that’s what Branden is.
I have no idea how Branden ekes by each week. He does a bad job with the photos, and his runways are, with one exception, completely disappointing. I get that the show needs to have some kind of representative for the über-young, and some of the judges want his cock.
But him over Salome? Conspiracy!
Yes, this show isn’t called Make Me a Print Model, but I think she was doing far better with the catwalks than for which she was given credit. She wasn’t the best, but couldn’t she have had another week of “learning”?