The Wife:

Can someone please explain to me how Branden keeps skirting by in this competition? Because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how he skirted by last week when he delivered a picture in which a dead fish modeled better than he did, and I definitely don’t understand how he got a pass to the final three this week when he blatantly chose to ignore the advice and instruction of the photographer, rendering hundreds of dollars worth of pyrotechnics and hours of setup completely useless because he decided to scream in his en fuego shoot. This is not the first time he’s basically wasted everyone’s time and money on a shoot, and yet he remains. What’s wrong with that picture?

It's like his face says he can smell how badly he stanked up this pic-a-ture.

It's like his face says he can smell how badly he stanked up this pic-a-ture.

When Sandhurst decided to scream in Clay Patrick McBride’s pyrotechnic shoot, I was worried for him, too, but he gave so much more than Branden did that he transcended the “scream face” McBride was worried about and delivered a strong, yet madcap photograph. Jonathan and Mountaha played it safe and both delivered better shots than Branden, with Jonathan looking exactly like David Bowie in his, but I guess Mountaha doing only one pose over the course of the exposure was somehow not good enough for Perou, who chastised her for not knowing they were going to get more than one shot . . . when McBride had framed the purpose of the shoot to them as saying, “You get a single take to get this shot right.” Now, considering he didn’t tell them he was shooting a single take with multiple rapid exposure, what the hell was she supposed to think other than, “You literally have a singular shot to get this right. One take. One shot. That’s it.” And for that she went home. Why?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Branden’s shot was BAD and a WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME AND EFFORT. In fact, if this were a campaign it would have been UNUSABLE. Bravo producers, I realize it’s funny to have a village idiot because village idiots make good TV, but I’ve always been impressed with the fact that Bravo’s shows place talent over all else, and I find it extremely hard to believe that Branden is actually a more viable choice to win this show than Mountaha. Thus, you must have kept him in because he’s more ‘interesting” . . . or because Mountaha was actually a threat to either Jonathan or Sandhurst winning, and we couldn’t have a female win this show two years in a row. I’m not saying that the competition is rigged in any way, because I believe at this point either Jonathan or Sandhurst could win. They’re both strong enough to do so. But so was Mountaha. So I ask you, why would you put up a guy who has effectively wasted two photoshoots against Jonathan and Sandhurst unless you were trying to guarantee that one of those two men won? It’s Bee Ess, I tell you. Bee. Ess.

Other than that fateful shoot, though, which Sandhurst won, the models were sent to do some “informal” (i.e. “in store”) modeling at Bloomingdale’s in which they walked around hocking the clothes off their backs. Branden, further proving he is not cut out for the world of fashion, had to be corrected several times by his potential clients about how to pronounce the names of the labels he was wearing. Le sigh. Jonathan was obviously a natural at this because he’s Jonathan and he’s a god amongst men. (Can we also note for a second how adorable he looked in that Marc Jacobs sweater?) Sandhurst came out of his shell a little bit and worked the room well and Mountaha, well, she looked stunning in electric blue Michael Kors – so much so that now I want that dress. For their efforts, the models were each given a $2K shopping spree at Bloomie’s, except for Sandhurst, who had double the money as a reward for winning the photoshoot. Ever the sweetheart, he used the bulk of his money to buy gifts for his family with the help of two Bloomingdale’s personal shoppers. Jonathan bought presents for himself and his wife, Mountaha bought a pair of Dior shoes and Branden, in the only moment that has ever made me proud of him, purchased the suit he modeled that day, which is probably the wisest investment he’ll ever make.

Sandhurst: literally and figuratively on fire this week.

Sandhurst: literally and figuratively on fire this week.


This week’s Catwalk Challenge asked the models to walk in Catherine Malandrino’s designs, and Jonathan received the most praise Perou has ever given when he compared the model to Daniel Craig’s James Bond. Perhaps it was this runway that sealed Mountaha’s fate, as Catherine Malandrino found her decision to don a long brown wig (that kind of made her look like Marion Cotillard) both insulting and distracting from the clothes. For the record, I never, ever understand what Catherine Malandrino is saying. Not because of her accent, but because she never, ever makes any sense. I don’t know. It was either Perou or Catherine Malandrino that did Mountaha in, but I think we all know it should have been Branden who left us this week. And I think Mountaha knew it, too, considering the crying jag she went on after being eliminated. I guess, at the very least, she did get a pair of Dior shoes out of this whole thing. And I have no doubt that she’ll be working for a long time after this, even without a win and $100,000.