The Wife:

We all know results shows are about 80% filler and 20% content we actually care about, but the one thing I can always look forward to in SYTYCD results shows are the group numbers. There have been some very memorable results show group numbers in seasons past – Mia Michael’s Imogen Heap piece from season two in which every dancer wore a word in masking tape on their clothing, Wade Robeson’s utterly fantastic zombie dance number to Roisin Murphy’s “Ramalama Bang Bang” from season two, Tyce DiOrio’s Lion King piece for season three (now there’s a Broadway show that really utilizes Tyce’s talents!), and many others – and last night brought us a Shane Sparks’ hip-hop routine set to the Black Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow,” the plot of which I described in my notes like this:

“Future street thugs blow magic dust on hobo girls and make them into video hos.”

That’s pretty accurate, right?

And for those who weren’t sure it was a Shane Sparks piece, you should have known by the signature booty shake. Watch enough of America’s Best Dance Crew (btw, I think it was Boogie Bot Karla who graced us with that booty shake), and you will know that there is nothing Shane loves more than a good booty shake.

Just to remind you, in case you also couldnt remove this image from the back of your retinas: this horrible thing happened. And it was horrible.

Just to remind you, in case you also couldn't remove this image from the back of your retinas: this horrible thing happened. And it was horrible.

Cat came out in a fabulous, if severely understated, strapless coffee-colored wrap dress and introduced a little producer package about how all of our Top 20 dancers, most of whom had never partnered with another dancer in their lives, “got on” with their new dance partners. Here are some tidbits I learned from that:

  • Max thinks that the best thing about being on this show is dancing with a really hot blonde chick. He is correct that she is a very premium lady, and that dancing with very premium ladies is why one should want to be a very premium dancer.
  • Evan is so wholesome he says things like “shucks.” I could not possibly love him any more than I already do.
  • Jeanette is Cuban. She speaks Spanish. Just in case you didn’t catch that before.
  • Melissa, the naughty ballerina, enjoys burping.
  • Ashley makes chicken sounds.
  • Her partner Kupono makes monkey sounds.


After that bit of adorable time wasting, we moved swiftly into the results portion of the show. Cat lined up Kayla and Max, Randi and Evan and Phillip and Jeanine – my three favorite couples from last night! – and I immediately thought that perhaps I might be wrong about this show’s viewers and their ability to correctly assess what is and isn’t good dancing. But, slowly but surely, Cat told each of those three couples that they were safe, proving that I am a very premium judge of dances! It really would have been a travesty for any of those three to end up in the bottom, as they really were the best of the night.

Next, Cat corralled Caitlin and Jason, Melissa and Ade, Ashley and Kupono and Tony and Paris. Of those four couples, only one would end up in the bottom three, and it ended up being the correct one – Tony and Paris, once again proving that even when the costumes are so horrible I can’t even see the dancing, I am a very premium judge of dances!

Auska and Vitolio, Jeanette and Brandon and Karla and Jonathan faced Cat next, knowing that two of the three couples would be sent to the bottom three. Auska and Vitolio were told they weren’t safe and headed off to get ready for their solos while Jeanette and Brandon had to sweat it out with Jonathan and Karla, only to find out that, clearly, Jonathan and Karla were the weaker pair and were sent to the bottom three. I am very premium at choosing dance show results, for every single one of my bottom three couples landed in the bottom three!

While the six dancers about to dance for their lives got ready, Cat introduced Miriam and Leonardo, a pair of professional Argentine tangoers, who performed a very nice tango to the other half of the music that makes up the “Tango Roxanne” sequence in Moulin Rouge. Then it was solo time:

  • Paris performed a pretty bland set of leg extensions to “It Doesn’t Hurt” by Katie Thompson, a piece of music that I could only think of as inexorably tied to the car accident we learned she was in just yesterday.
  • Tony, dressed like a complete and total dickbag, performed (to “Early in the Morning” by the Gap Band) what I can’t only describe as the kind of dance that would be cool if people circled around you at a wedding or high school event, but was not anywhere near the kind of caliber necessary to grace this stage which has been dominated in years past by a number of actually talented B-boys, breakers, poppers and lockers. (Ivan, Dominic, Hok, Ryan, Gev . . . those are only a few! Tony’s name will never be among their ranks!)
  • Auska did what any ballroom dancer does when asked to solo without a partner: she basically did some mean jive steps and shook her ass at us, constantly flipping her skirt and tossing her head like she’s doing “Cell Block Tango” to a song called “Did Ya” by BoA.
  • Vitolio had one of the better solos of the night demonstrating his amazing carriage, center and extensions to “We Belong Together” by Gavin DeGraw.
  • Karla danced to “Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin. This didn’t really strike me, but she did wear a pretty sparkly dress.
  • Jonathan, meanwhile, did some great gymnastics paired with some passable attempts at dancing to Pitbull’s “Krazy” (featuring Lil John). He reminds me of both season one winner Nick and season three finalist Neil.


The judges went backstage to deliberate, and Sean Kingston came out to sing/lip-sync his new single “Fires Burning” surrounded by some video hos from 1989 and a semi-riser that looked like a stage had mated with a skateboard ramp. I know the song is technically about heating up the dancefloor, thus making it an appropriate song for SYTYCD (just as when Lady Gaga premiered “Just Dance” in a silver swimsuit and snorkeling mask/flashlight last summer on the show), but its really hard for me to accept songs with metaphors about fire as being about anything other than venereal disease. I mean, Adam Lambert’s version of “Ring of Fire” is definitely about some sort of STD, and I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles is about. Thus, by extension, I don’t think “Fires Burning” is really about dancing . . . you know?

Goodbye, Paris and Tony!

Goodbye, Paris and Tony!

After that song about VD, the judges returned to their seats to deliver their final judgment. Here, my amazing prowess at reality competition dance program results prediction failed as Nigel delivered the news he should have delivered, rather than the news I thought he would deliver: he told Karla she was safe, acknowledged that it’s hard for a ballroom dancer to show everything she can do in a solo, thus saving Auska, and eliminated Former Miss Washington Paris Torres. And why did he eliminate Former Miss Washington Paris Torres? Because, in looking at the way the show was cast, he actually realized that he had one too many contemporary dancers on his roster – she being one of the six female contestants of that specialty – and that of the ones they had, Paris was the least talented. At least now it’s an even number of contemporary specialists between the sexes on this show: without Paris, there are only five female contemporary specialists, and five male. (Of those, only Ashley and Kupono and Jason and Caitlin are paired with a partner in the same style specialty.) Again, I ask: with so many contemporary dancers, wouldn’t it have been better for the show to have another Broadway dancer?

Perhaps it would have been, for even though Nigel informed the bottom three guys that none of their solos were strong enough, he allowed Vitolio and Jonathan to stay in the competition based on the fact that their work actually displayed a modicum of strength, unlike Tony’s . . . which didn’t really display anything. Let me tell you kids, I couldn’t be happier to be wrong about which guy would be going home. It is a testament to the strength of the rest of this year’s Top 20 that a dancer put in to the Top 20 based on his potential and personality alone simply could not survive amongst stronger competitors. On an earlier season, Tony probably could have gotten by a little longer, and I expect that he would, even this season, as I saw no other discernible reason why he should have made the Top 20 in the first place. But he couldn’t even dance for his life – and so he returns to the virtual obscurity whence he came.

I’m sure if I ever attend a professional sporting event in Seattle, I’ll run into Paris Torres somewhere and I wish her the best dancing short routines to entertain the masses during such events. And as much I dislike Tony Bellissimo, I think the best thing for him to do now is to join a dance crew and learn as much as he can about the actual techniques that go in to being a great popper, locker, breaker or b-boy. With these two gone, I think the competition will really get started next week.