The Husband:

I love Big Brother, probably more than any other reality show on television, even though I recognize its many technical and sociological faults. And I do want to cover it here, but as it’s on three times a week, and the show is actually defined by the sheer lack of anything remotely “exciting” happening, I’ll just try a weekly round-up.

And how will I do it? Why, in the same lazy way that I covered the audition/Hollywood rounds of American Idol. This means that I’m pretty much just following notes I’m taking during the broadcast and further elaborating.

The newest Big Brother houseguests.

The newest Big Brother houseguests.

So let’s get into it. Who do I like? And why was I so fucking pissed by episode’s end?

  • Michele’s got that cute, geeky Lisa Loeb look that I very much enjoy. However, her lusting after Jeff is semi-obnoxious. I don’t need her letting up her guard just because she has the hots for somebody.
  • Natalie, there is absolutely no reason to lie about your age – saying she’s 18 when she’s really 24 – especially since any true Big Brother fan (and I assume contestant) knows that, except under very special circumstances (like Michelle on the X-Factor season), nobody under 21 gets on this show.
  • Kevin does not like boobs, and I think he’s hilarious.
  • Jordan is a “no” for me simply because I can’t stand to listen to her. And if you follow the Loveline logic here (which seems to work 90% of the time), her childish voice more than likely indicates something horrible happening to her, and that’s a great deal of emotion baggage that I’m not sure CBS is ready to handle right now.
  • Russell, the MMA fighter, is from Walnut Creek, a city less than 20 miles from my current residence and also where my wife went to high school, so he’d better fucking represent the East Bay in the most hardcore way. Yay Area, fool.
  • Ronnie, the video game geek who looks a bit like Ricky Gervais, has a bit of an ego (probably well-deserved), which could get him in trouble, but if he chills out for a few weeks he could fly by to at least the Top 4. He just needs to make sure to not let some of the more jocky types (I’m looking at you, Braden) feel threatened by his assumed intellect.
  • And, of course, nicely tattooed movie FX artist Lydia is awesome so far, snarky enough to be funny but not so much that she alienates me as a viewer. Not yet.
  • The first competition couldn’t have gone more horribly. I tell you this with every ounce of anger I have within me – I absolutely despised bodybuilder Jessie from s10. Egomaniacal, idiotic, unrightfully aggressive and borderline dangerous, he was the last person I wanted to come back into the Big Brother house. But lo, the athletes won the toilet-seat-and-wedgie competition, and I’m stuck with him for probably the next four weeks
You look even stupider than you did last season, and I hope you know that.

You look even stupider than you did last season, and I hope you know that.

If I had my druthers, Brian would have been the one to return to the house as the 13th contestant, followed by the bubbly but not obnoxious Jessica, and Michael (a.k.a. Cowboy), the runner-up from s5 (also known as the season where my mother and I were actually in the CBS audience for the finale, thanks to being two degrees separated from a BB video editor). I dug Michael just fine, but I also have to think about things in terms of fairness, and he already received $50,000 in his season. And Brian (another Bay Area guy) was ousted far too early last season (first one out, actually) after promising that he’d play a very interesting game, one that I would have loved to have seen.

But hey, good on you, BB11, for getting me so emotionally invested in just the first episode. I don’t think any BB premiere has ever incited such rage out of me so quickly.

I hate you, Jessie.