The Husband:

Another look into the crazy world of Big Brother. I feel I must clarify, because while I mentioned in the first round-up that Big Brother was my favorite reality show, I realized that I had already said that about America’s Next Top Model. Both statements are actually true. If we’re talking sheer enjoyment, it’s still ANTM hands down. But Big Brother is my favorite strategy-based reality competition, and it amazes me year after year how much fodder I get out of each episode of this three-times-a-week show. So there you have it.

What’s been going on?

—First, I think everybody should start paying attention to what I’m saying, because goddamn it I’m usually right. Just as I suspected, Ronnie’s game has already 80% collapsed over the last week, and you know why? Because he played too hard too quickly. I know that it’s not very hard to have seen that coming, but man, did I call that shit. Slow your roll, Ronnie. Playing both sides of the house is a great idea, but you have to be quiet about it, up until the point that it’s halfway through the game and people are only then catching onto your plan. But nope, you had to snag HOH and turn the game into a free-for-all. And while I agree that targeting Laura was a good idea, her big mouth made his HOH week utter living hell. It’s not entirely clear whether or not she was using her brains instead of just being a reactionary weirdo, but she out-debated Ronnie on almost every confrontation, and her powers of persuasion really outshone his. The rest of the housemates followed her lead like crazy and just tore into the video game expert. (Even though they did, ultimately, vote her out 8-to-1) Then again, if Ronnie had those breasts, he might be a more convincing person. But we’ll never know, will we?

But hey, I guess Laura’s not that good at arguing, because she still got her ass booted from the house. Why? Because Ronnie learned to keep his mouth quiet and let her bury herself. Hell, as Kevin pointed out, she didn’t even ask her housemates to save her from eviction. I never thought it really had to be actually verbalized, but in such a crazy house I guess it’s just basic protocol.

You want to know how convincing Laura was, though? She got Russell to turn on Ronnie. Ronnie, his ally. But, then again…

— …Russell has done the impossible; he makes me sympathize, ever so slightly, with Jessie. How the hell did that happen? He represents all the worst qualities of a bully, mixing threats of violence with sheer stupidity and unrelenting preening, and it actually makes Jessie seem like a pussycat by comparison. When realizing that he might be backdoored, he began stomping around the house admonishing anybody who was talking strategy, I guess not realizing what show he was on. This is Big Brother, you jackass. Strategizing is what you do. If you don’t have the brainpower to comprehend that, don’t yell at Lydia until she cries. Just go lift some weights until your pecs explode.

You mean . . . LIKE THIS????

You mean . . . LIKE THIS????

But then, suddenly, when he is not backdoored, Russell gets just as angry and starts following Ronnie around the house, taunting him for not putting him up and thus inviting hell on earth. But you know what, Russell? Do you know why he didn’t backdoor you? It’s because he’s your fucking ally! He is literally in cahoots with your clique. Way to go. When Jessie of all people thinks your asshole threats to Ronnie, which in turn makes it so that Ronnie can’t even leave the HOH room without being accosted, are unjustified and mean-spirited, you know you’ve done something wrong.

Sigh. You have embarrassed us in the San Francisco East Bay. As my mother said in an e-mail to me in regards to my last BB round-up, “Russell is so much from Walnut Creek it hurts.”


— On the subject of Jordan, I think she owes Ronnie a big fat apology for calling him a rat. Why she didn’t believe that she was only being put up in order to ensure Laura’s eviction is beyond me, because there was no way the house was going to let her go. Not even with that last-minute conversation about how her and Jeff could potentially be indestructible as a couple. You can deal with that later, because she’s not really a threat to anybody’s game right now, just as Russell wasn’t. Ronnie told her she wasn’t going home, she yelled at him, and then she was kept in the house. Hmmm…you don’t think that maybe Ronnie planned it that way?

—Why in God’s name did Natalie decide to cast her vote to evict Jordan? She just said she wanted to shake things up, but other than that, there was no explanation. It’s going to bite her on the ass, because she clearly didn’t do it to frame somebody else. You know why? Because she doesn’t seem that smart and she clearly didn’t plan it out well in advance. She’s just being contrary, and her shitty lying is going to get her into trouble. (Just like how pretty much everybody saw through her half-assed lie about her age.)

Hooray! Let us all sing the Dan song!

Hooray! Let us all sing the Dan song!

—It was such a treat to have Dan back to host the luxury competition, because he is without question the best Big Brother winner of all time. Even better than Dr. Will. Why? Because he was a sly strategist who knew when to lay back, when to use sudden bursts of power in both persuasion and voting, he dealt with confrontations calmly and wisely, he switched sides without causing waves, he even got [most of ] his enemies to like him after their eviction, and he did it all without being a jerk. He was a sweetheart, a noble player and an all-around nice guy. Why haven’t these people learned from him?

The Wife:
I hate Russell, but I kind of the like the douche-manchu he’s sporting these days.