The Husband:

I know I’m a week late in my final round-up for Big Brother 11. Honestly, I’ve been staring at spreadsheets for eight hours a day to make a living, so by the time I get to some “me time,” I just want to sit down and watch Veronica Mars. (I know I’m five years late to the table, but goddamn it’s a good show.) But hey, better late than never.

As you all know, Jordan “No Booger” Lloyd beat, with a vote of 5-2, Natalie “Tae Kwon Don’t” Martinez. The seventh vote was, of course, America’s, and it was revealed online (in an interview with producer Allison Grodner) that in each case that Natalie was hypothetically put up against somebody else in the final two, she lost America’s Vote by 90%. I know it would be sensationalist, but I’ve always wanted a post-finale reunion special (about a week later), just for these situations, because my wife and I would both love to see how Natalie reacts to realizing that America absolutely hates her guts. At least during the two-hour finale (keep up the extended finale, btw, from here on out), the audience laughed when she exclaimed that she stuck by her word. And that her friends Jessie and Lydia would have voted for Michele over her had that been the final two. Oh man, how the assumed mighty has fallen.

But how did it get to this place? Well, my mind was racing during the final two eliminations, first when I got pissed at Kevin for kicking Michele out over Jordan (I thought it was a horrible idea, as I thought he had the best chance of winning against her), then when I got pissed at Jordan for winning the final HOH competitions and ousting Kevin, because I thought she had no chance of winning the final vote so she should have at least not given Natalie $50,000. But hey, I’ve been known to be wrong on occasion, and it seemed that the tide had turned against Natalie, culminating in a tsunami that destroyed her entire game. (Hey, remember when I said it was stupid for Natalie to lie about her age? Well, it seemed to be the spark that set everybody against her.)

No booger, no cry.

No booger, no cry.

In the end, Natalie got two votes (one from Russell, one from Kevin) because she apparently played a better game than Jordan. I personally don’t buy that for a second. Jordan may have seemed out of it, but she controlled Jeff whether or not he wants to admit it. She played it low while letting others do the dirty work, a trend that Natalie only figured would work for herself halfway through the competition. That alone makes Jordan a better player, even if she still shouldn’t have won the money if I had my way. (Jeff, Michele and Kevin would have all been better choices, in that order.)

And Jeff, bless his heart, won $25,000 for being America’s Favorite Player, and this, combined with his appearance on The Bonnie Hunt Show where he apologized profusely and convincingly for his homophobic slurs against Russell during the first week, gives him some major all-star cred should another one of those seasons come around.

So let us finish off this season exploring the expulsion order, and why that specific houseguest was sent packing.

Braden: Overreacted to simply being put up, resulting in an offense-laden storm against several players. This would include calling Kevin a beaner, even if Kevin is actually African-American and Chinese. (Good job, Braden.) Also, was Braden high during the finale?

Laura: By “exposing” Ronnie’s game (which was pretty much out in the open from the beginning), she put a target on her back way too early for her to make any headway in the game. She made it personal too quickly, and that’s a major no-no.

Casey: See “Laura.” He just needed to shut his mouth.

Ronnie: I never really understood how he was a “rat” for playing both sides of the game (I’m sure that at least one of your favorite contestants of yore has done the exact same thing), but his disposition grew less and less sunny each week until he had nothing else to do but be defensive. He played a hard game from the beginning, but he didn’t slow his roll, and he paid for it.

Jessie: Yes, we voted Jeff to receive the Coup d’Etat because we liked him, not because we felt sorry for him. But in the most vital transition of the game, he usurped Chima’s nominations and got Jessie out, thus finally ensuring a fair game in the house. But Jessie took it like a man, and for that I am grateful.

Chima: In the most spectacular meltdown on American Big Brother, Chima threw a multi-day hissy fit and accused the show of being rigged, even though the Coup d’Etat had been introduced seasons earlier during the all-star season. Sorest loser of them all, Chima goes down as being one of the most horrible people to ever play the game. Be an adult and accept that you can’t control everything. Expect the unexpected, motherfucker.

Lydia: For being a drunk and crying over Jessie’s ousting (even though he had nominated her for eviction earlier in the season). What the hell happened to the strong person we saw at the beginning of the season? She lost her mind, that’s what.

Russell: Sick of all of his bullshit (which he unconvincingly says was all an act), Jeff sticks his neck out, changes some plans and gets him out.

Jeff: People say that him evicting Russell did him in, and this is true, but honestly, unless he had won HOH two rounds after he did this, he would have still been gone. Keeping the terrible Russell in would have only kept him around for another week.

Michele: For being too awesome of a player. It all fell apart when Kevin won the veto in a week that saw Natalie come out of nowhere and scoop up the HOH.

Kevin: Jordan knew something we didn’t, and while it meant that Natalie won $50,000, getting Kevin out won her the half-million.

Natalie: For completely fucking up her plan with Kevin to go up against each other in the final third of the HOH competition by sucking at that HOH basketball game, going so far as to forget when she herself was HOH.

Other stray thoughts:

  • Good catch, s3’s Danielle, for pointing out that the only time a woman has won BB was against another woman.
  • Jeff: I don’t need a high-five for bashing somebody. [pause] But was he a tool?
  • Dan is still the best winner in BB history.
  • P.S. If my wife wants to add to any of this, I’m sure she has plenty to say about Natalie
The Wife:

I hate Natalie so much that I wouldn’t be able to articulate my venom towards her without sounding like a truly horrible human being. Sufficient to say, when she lost in the finale, I screamed, “SUCK IT, BITCH!” and punched the air triumphantly.

My problems with Natalie begin with the way she speaks, which honestly in my opinion, sound as though she has some kind of speech disorder that prohibits her from forming sentences in a normal manner. It sounds like she’s always reading off of cue cards and can’t quite get it right. And then there’s the tone of her voice, a gravelly, nasally pitch that sounds so much more shrill and irritating as she stumbles over her words. (Now, Jordan has one of those nasally pitched voices that sounds almost babyish, but the fact that she can form sentences naturally makes her instantly less irritating.)

I also believe Natalie made an egregious amount of stupid decisions. She didn’t make any big plays. She didn’t win jack shit, and simply lucked into winning a crucial HOH because Jordan is bad at numbers. Jordan played like she was  a dumb blonde weakling, but Natalie, with those tacky highlights, actually was what Jordan was pretending to be.

Would I have preferred Natalie get no money at all? Yes. I’d have liked Sugar Bear to get some of that cash so he can marry his boyfriend. But watching her face as she realized all of her friends had turned on her was fucking priceless. Again, I say what I posted as my Facebook status that night:

“Suck it, Natalie! Nobody likes you! Not even your friends like you!”