Desperate Housewives


The Husband:

And now my weekly recap of ABC’s blatantly female-focused melodramas, Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters:

How is it that a show known for its huge sweeps episodes and mystery-exploding finales can come up with a season premiere that doesn’t really feel like anything? With Desperate Housewives, it’s pretty much that aside from a well managed but mostly unnecessary flashback structure (pretty much designed to let you know immediately who Mike chose to marry) and a very brief start of a new neighborhood mystery, it was pretty much just picking up where we left off last season. And aside from the wedding (which starts and ends the episode), no time has actually passed, progressing only through some quick leaps throughout the eight weeks between last season’s finale and the Mike/Susan wedding.

Oh…yeah…Mike picked Susan over Katherine. And this is the absolute best choice from a purely storytelling standpoint. Admit it — we were all done with Susan’s love problems and her will-they-or-won’t-they with Mike, and Katherine’s story was completely static. This way, Susan can try out a new type of story and see how it fits, and Katherine, raging against Mike and Susan for their betrayal, finally gets a storyline that can bring out the fire she was completely lacking last season. Instead of a pushover just hoping that her new fiancé won’t fall back in love with his ex-wife, this new Katherine fights back, intercepting Susan’s wedding dress and threatening to stain it with pasta sauce, playing mind games with their respective friends, and ultimately blackmailing Susan into apologizing during the damned wedding ceremony. But all is not forgiven, and Katherine’s final moment, when she whispers to Susan that the apology didn’t really help, is the best Dana Delaney has been since the climax of her season 4 mystery.

But the rest of it, as is up to par with the majority of DH‘s episodes, is full of stories of wildly varying quality. I find no pleasure in any bit of Bree’s story with her affair with Karl, and I can honestly say that at this point I find anything Orson does far more interesting and sympathetic than any Bree story. I just can’t bring myself to care, and the affair is clearly not meant to last. Let’s see if Marc Cherry and the writers can, perhaps, give Orson another mystery revolving around those three years in prison we never really saw.

Lynette’s story is considerably dark for the Scavo family — and yes, I’m aware that their story last year involved a nightclub fire that resulted in a major death — as she deals with the twins that are on their way, her fifth and sixth child. After tearing into the happiness of a new mother at the doctor’s office, she admits to her husband that she is just really not feeling right about what is currently happening, as with these twins she doesn’t feel like she loves them as she did with all of her previous (and all unplanned) pregnancies. We’ve already seen the woman find a balance between her family life and her desire to reestablish her career over the last couple seasons, but this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Will we finally deal with a major abortion storyline on this show? Probably not, considering how gigantic the show is all across the board, as well as the fact that this isn’t Maude.

And as I expressed interest at the end of last season in Gaby’s new storyline that has the Solis family taking care of a free-spirited and nasty teenage niece, that plot is pretty much progressing as I expected. Some of it is fascinating in the way that Gaby sees a great deal of her younger self in her niece and therefore wants to help her to avoid years of suffering and unhappiness, but some of it is also embarrassingly melodramatic and pointlessly cruel — the nightclub scene where Gaby gets on the mic and embarrasses her niece for sneaking out of the house went absolutely nowhere. But Gaby works best when she has a worthy opponent, so I’m not going to be too picky for a few more weeks.

Drea De Matteo: here to fuck up your shit.

Drea De Matteo: here to fuck up your shit.

And yes, that new mystery — Drea De Matteo (of The Sopranos), her husband (Jeffrey Nordling from last season of 24) and their son have moved onto Wisteria Lane, they had to move because of something the son did, Drea has a major burn/scar on the majority of her back, and somebody strangled young Julie at the end of the episode. But it wasn’t much establishment for how much I think we are meant to care.

As usual, the world of Brothers & Sisters fits more into the real world and, you know, generally believable situations. (It helps that it doesn’t pretend it’s a comedy like DH does.) And unlike DH, this felt like a real season premiere. Big emotions, big secrets, big starts and even potentially terminal illnesses abound in our return to the Walker Clan.

As Holly and Nora prepare for Justin and Rebecca’s engagement party, the two (as usual) clash, which comes to a boil when the soiree must be moved to Chez Walker after an influx of termites. There, Holly oversteps her boundaries during the party-planning while Nora has to deal with her and Saul’s aggressively insulting mother (Marion Ross from Happy Days), and it all comes to a head when Holly breaks the rules and buys the happy couple a new car, leading Nora to oust Holly as “that disease-ridden tramp” that her late husband was banging for decades (and, you know, the mother of Justin’s fiancée who was once thought to be the Missing Walker). It’s another Walker Clusterfuck, but come on…Holly had it coming.

Justin, meanwhile, is losing his mind to stress thanks to a one-two punch. First, he is called into the Dean’s office and told that if he wants to stay in the med program, he needs to seriously up his grades all across the board. Second, he finds out that he was admitted to the school not because of his grades (which weren’t great), but because his Senator brother-in-law made a few phone calls. But by the end, Justin and Rebecca have stopped bickering, he has vowed to stop being a quitter, and then they almost get into a car accident. (Whatever.)

Kevin and Scotty get a big plot boost in their mission to adopt a child, focusing on the emotions involved far more than the details of the adoption itself. (Really, how many times have we seen a TV show delve into that story and think it’s being informative by letting us know all of the steps we already know because we watch so much television?) The heart of the story lies in Scotty’s hesitation in expanding the family, a character twist instead of a plot twist, and I am grateful for that. Kevin and Scotty are still probably the most realistic gay couple on television (seriously, I’m hard-pressed to find another, although Modern Family may prove its ability to join this distinction) and I’m glad that they can talk like adults about adult issues. Besides, the story gave me the only two quotes I wrote down the entire night.

“Which one of you gets to sleep with the egg lady?” — Grandma Marion Ross, completely missing the point of surrogacy

“How’s Assembling a Child by Tolstoy?” — Kevin to Scotty regarding the gigantic manual they received from their adoption counselor

But all this interest had to take a backseat to the big sad center. While Kitty and Senator Robert go to couples therapy to deal with that douche from Eli Stone making Kitty all weak in the knees, she finds that there is something wrong with her lymph nodes, and that the news isn’t good. The episode ended without declaring what the potentially terminal disease was, but we have to go with cancer, right? My wife, just based on me describing the episode, says lymphoma, especially because it allows her to suffer but gives her the possibility of not dying, and I’m pretty sure that Nate Stone didn’t spread any HIV to her. But still, boo.

So there you have it. B&S sucked me right back in, while DH was more of the same (although a vast improvement over last season’s first handful of episodes).

The Husband:

And so, another season of Desperate Housewives down, and while much of it petered out with nary a care, it set up a few storylines that have a great deal of potential.

But you really want to know what happened with Creepy Dave, right? Well, through various channels, everybody (Susan, Mike, Mrs. McClusky, Lily Tomlin, the cops, Stephen Spinella’s secretary) finally figure out that Dave is actually David Dash, whose family was killed in the car accident we saw at the season opener. But by the time Susan is told, it is too late as she and M.J. are accompanying Dave on a fishing trip. But with enough intervention, she staves him off long enough for Mike to show up, long enough for Dave to look into the backseat and see his daughter in the place of M.J.’s chubby face, and long enough for him to grow a conscious, get M.J. out of the car, and put only himself in the crash, hoping to finally reunite with his family. While he doesn’t die, he goes crazy enough so as to live inside his family fantasy while attending a mental institution.

Yes, the drama with Creepy Dave’s story petered out many episodes ago, and once we learned his plan, we realized it was way too obvious and kind of dumb. And so his sudden tonal shift during the climax of the episode was pretty anticlimactic, but at the same time felt right enough as a story end. But so far, it seems that the only mystery on DH to last an entire season without starting to get boring was the gigantic one in s1 with the childnapping and the murder and the conspiracies and whatnot. Even s4’s commendable Kathryn Mayfair mystery took some strange turns when Melora Walters showed up and fucked with Nathan Fillion’s happy life.

This cast looks so much nicer without Nicollette Sherridan, no?

This cast looks so much nicer without Nicollette Sherridan, no?

As for Bree, her divorce drama seems to only be beginning, as Orson has finally found out about her robbery plot, only to be accosted by a heavy hired by Karl to “let go,” leading him to rethink his relationship with Bree, while she has an ill-advised make-out session with the slimy Karl, who has done nothing but fuck with other people’s lives during the entire run of this show.

Lynnette’s story fares a little bit better, as Tom, while taking Preston on a campus tour, realizes his newfound passion – to go back to school and study Chinese in order to break into the 21st century market. But Lynnette isn’t keen on this at first, going so far as to get him drunk the night before the college’s entrance exam, only to have it backfire and him passing with flying colors. But then she starts to realize that she is feeling ill, immediately calling her doctor. But it’s not cancer. She’s actually pregnant. Again. With twins. Anybody with a brain would point out that being pregnant at this age would result with almost statistical certainty that their newborns would suffer from many mental/developmental problems if they even make it to birth, but I guess that’s an argument for next season if the show is even willing to get that honest.

And, surprisingly, my favorite storyline setup for next season involves Gaby. As they are finally wealthy again, Carlos’ aunt guilt-trips them into taking in the Aunt’s granddaughter, who has bounced from house to house, and giving her a proper home. But the teenaged girl, Anna, is more than the Solises expected. A wiz at getting men to do things for her, including do her chores and buy her expensive dresses, Gaby sees an extreme version of her youth but several steps further, a woman on the path of perhaps becoming an escort down the line, but at the very least a manipulative tease who could convince anybody of anything. And she is the first character in a long time to truly act as a conniving, mustache-twirling villain, something this show has sorely lacked for quite some time. In the past couple of seasons, DH had decided to take its villains, such as Creepy Dave and pre-time-jump Kathryn, and humanize them. Unfortunately, subtlety is not Marc Cherry’s forte, and so this reach back to the glory days of DH provides viewers like me with someone I can love to hate. There is a lot of potential in this storyline, especially now that it seems that Carlos may be the one to succumb to adultery instead of s1 Gaby. Juicy, indeed.

And, of course, there’s the big final question, which is who is under the veil marrying Mike? Is it poor Kathryn, who has worked so hard to gain Mike’s love, or is it ex-wife Susan, who potentially reunites romantically with Mike after all the Creepy Dave drama and the whole Jackson-being-deported thing? We’ll know in September. Me? I’m hoping for Kathryn, but would accept it either way.

I’ll see you guys around next season, which will hopefully have a much better warm-up in its first few episodes than the first handful this season, which I still think were jarring and uncharacteristic for such a fun show.

The Husband:

Blah blah blah Desperate Housewives. What really mattered last night was the season finale of Brothers & Sisters.

Because, honestly, whatever happened last night on DH is pretty much just filler until the two-hour finale this coming Sunday. But what happened?

  • Gaby discovered that one of her old friends is now homeless after losing all of her money once she became a widow, which in turn shows Gaby a valuable lesson about life. And what’s that lesson, Headbanger’s Ball and Daisy Of Love’s Riki Rachtman? IT’S NOT A GAME!
  • Lynnette doesn’t want Tom to get plastic surgery, because it would result in them not looking like they belong together. Because as any DH viewer knows, Lynnette and Tom belong together.
  • After using her divorce lawyer’s advice, Bree breaks into her own house, only to discover that Orson still loves her unconditionally, and that she’s a horrible person for wanting to divorce him.
  • Susan and Jackson throw an engagement party, but Susan finds that she is hesitant to get married as it would cancel Mike’s regular alimony payments. But through a series of messages (actually Kathryn posing as Mike), he “agrees” to keep paying. But the marriage may not happen anyway, since Creepy Dave knows the truth behind the marriage and calls immigration on Jackson.
Damn you, Creepy Dave! Damn you!

Damn you, Creepy Dave! Damn you!

Blerghy blerghy blergh.

But how’d the Walker family fare? Was their trip to Mexico fruitful and exciting? Actually, kind of not. Choosing instead to follow its own path of actual reality, Brothers & Sisters ended not with wild drama, massive cliffhangers and people acting out of character (coughDesperateHousewivesandGrey’sAnatomycough), but with a neat (if underdeveloped) wrap-up of the show’s third and best season.

First Nora, then the remainder of the family, cross the border and find something that not only surprised them, but surprised me as well. I guess that since Tommy has always been such a jerk, I just assumed he took the clichéd way out and just went to Mexico to chill on beaches, drink a lot and bang hookers, but in fact he had joined a semi-cultist meditation society, one that pretty much strips away all your earthly possessions and first world problems and allows you to reassess who you are as a person. In other words, he’s a hippie who builds houses and fixes plumbing for the less fortunate, and eats meals in a room where talking is banned.

In fact, once this discovery was made, the Walkers weren’t left much to do other than smile at each other and update everybody on their current life events. But at least the show found a funny way to do such a ho-hum scene, done entirely in pantomime as they were still at the meditation society’s mess hall. In fact, it was so funny that it kind of overshadowed Kitty’s real problems that followed her to Mexico via Robert and a helicopter, culminating in her running after his departing chopper only to realize it’s too late and that their marriage is pretty much over.

Maybe now wasnt the best time to adopt?

Maybe now wasn't the best time to adopt?

But hey, Justin is going to become a doctor, and he and Rebecca are going to get married. Everything’s okay, right?

Not entirely. Ryan the Missing Walker still had one bit of usage left in him, which unexpectedly involved the underused Saul. So yes, it is technically true that Ryan’s dead mother was affected by William breaking up with her, and that may have caused her to kill herself by wrapping her car around a tree. But (what a tweeeest!) it turns out that William never went to Reno to break up with Ryan’s dead mother – he had Saul do it instead. And so Saul, refusing to hand Ryan the Missing Walker a send-off deal from Ojai that would make a CEO blush, demands from Holly that he return to Ojai Foods. Basically, I’m fine with more Ron Rifkin (having seen him in two shows, the pre-Broadway run of Wrong Mountain, as well as the Cabaret 90s revival at Studio 54), so I’m glad that he may actually return to being a character next season, and not just the gay Jewish comic relief.

I am so glad that I reinvested in this show after giving up on its halfway through its first season, because it is honestly one of the best written shows on network television, written by people who get the concept that big emotion doesn’t have to equal histrionic bullshit. It earns its laughs and tears by being a character show first and a plot show second. Even with such a non-event of a finale, it still feels right, as they start a new chapter with a new season. How will Justin and Rebecca’s marriage go? How will Nora’s charity center fare? Are Kitty and Robert really done?

All we really know is that Balthazar Getty has been demoted from main cast to a sporadically recurring guest role, so Tommy is going to be off-camera “finding himself” for most of next season.

The Husband:

I’m kind of over Desperate Housewives for the rest of the season. Not that it’s bad or anything, but I’m exhausted. Same for Grey’s Anatomy. Private Practice and Chuck did the right thing in winding down last week so as not to overload television viewers with a straight barrage of finales all together in a short period of time. Seriously. I’m ready for Wipeout and So You Think You Can Dance and Big Brother to just kind of lull me through the summer. Enough with all the scripted drama.

Hell, DH is basically just going through the motions now, and it seems that the season’s high point was all the Scavo twins madness with the affair and the nightclub and the fire and Creepy Dave and whatnot, and the rest of the stories are just basically filler. Even Creepy Dave’s stuff petered out after we found out who he was after and why (which, of course, we all guessed), so right now all I’m really looking forward to is his final solution as to what he’s going to do to Susan and MJ, and who’s going to get caught in the crosshairs.

So with that, I’m just going to give you the bare minimum of what’s going on with our “housewives,” because they all just basically reiterate stuff we already know, with one exception.

Gaby: Gaby’s older daughter goes to school with makeup on, so Gaby agrees to show her that beauty comes from within by not wearing any makeup to Carlos’ award ceremony for Latino Businessman of the Year. But when she learns of a photo session at the ceremony for the local paper, she runs into the bathroom and steals makeup from an Asian woman. Gaby is vain. We already knew this. Lesson failed.

Bree: Reverting back to some of the more conniving ways we saw during DH‘s first two seasons, Bree gets Susan’s ex to represent her in her divorce with Orson (which he still doesn’t know about), and is willing to fight dirty to do it. We already know this.

Lynnette: She and Tom follow a book that says that, in order to rekindle their intimacy, they are to have sex every night for the entire month. This proves difficult, which leads to Tom restating that, now that he’s unemployed, he has no passion for anything other than Lynnette. We already knew this.

Kathryn: Using MJ to trick Mike into talking about marriage, she finds out that he’s just not that into getting hitched. Big surprise.

Susan, dont get the wrong idea here. Im gay, but I really, really need a green card . . . so . . . yeah. Marry me?

Susan, don't get the wrong idea here. I'm gay, but I really, really need a green card . . . so . . . yeah. Marry me?

Susan: Okay, here’s some good stuff. Jackson is finally back in town (I hope your head’s all healed up now after that motorcycle accident, Gale Harold), and he proposes marriage, but after Susan embarrasses herself by declaring how much she actually loves him, he lets her know that it’s simply for citizenship, and he’s Canadian and his visa expired six years earlier. (Or six months. I don’t really care all that much how long it’s been.) She agrees, but she’s pissed enough to say that there will be no romance and no sex. It’s strictly business. This, in turn, messes up Creepy Dave’s plan to take her and MJ out for a fishing trip, as she, you know, needs to get ready to get married for a third time and all.

Two more episodes. Just bring ’em on, regroup, and come back with a better season. Because it can be better. Season 1 was genius television, don’t forget, and there’s really no excuse at this point.

But hey, what’s doing down in the vastly preferable world of the Walkers on Brothers & Sisters?

Not a whole lot, actually. Justin gets into a pre-med program in Santa Barbara. (I haven’t done any research, but my wife, an alumnus of UC Santa Barbara and a former employee of a local business newspaper there, informs me that no college or university in Santa Barbara offers a pre-med program. Then again, this is a show where Kitty basically jumps back-and-forth between her home life with Robert in Santa Barbara and the Walkers in Pasadena as if that 90-mile drive were nothing, so it doesn’t bug me.) Nora gets some detective work done in order to find Tommy so as to have next week’s big season finale take place in Mexico. Holly once again emotionally implodes as Ryan The Missing Walker does his own bitch imploding when he learns that everybody is against him, which in turn gets him to quit from Ojai and presumably give up his shares. Kitty is still trying to decide between Alec the single father and her own husband. And Kevin…well…as aforementioned, not a whole lot, actually.

Oh! We did get some Tom Skerritt cameo work as Kitty flashes back on her radio career, which led her to confirm that, yes, William Walker may have driven Ryan’s mother to suicide. Kind of a waste of a cameo, if you ask me, but I guess William needs to make an in-the-past appearance every now and then.

Really, it’s just all set-up for next week, so I’m going to save my energy for that. Thanks for reading this half-assed post.

The Husband:

Now that we are completely done with Edie Britt (and her one-episode stint as a narrating ghost), we can finally move on with all the dangling story threads. And, once again, I feel that the show has no idea what to do with Gaby anymore. When this season started, every story with her children felt out-of-place and forced, but when they never showed up at all, Gaby’s stories simply felt like the same-ol’-same-ol’. This week was a lot of old and a little bit of new, as she joins a gardening club only to find out that they don’t sit around all day drinking and gossiping but actually gardens. And so, with the help of Tom Scavo, she stages a coup to turn the club into something fun, only to have to reel the newly buff Tom in from spending too much time with Patti, the town skanky cougar. (Even if we all know that Tom would never cheat on Lynette, merely hanging out with this STD-ridden hoooooooooooe is problem enough.) All of this info comes to Lynette’s attention at an awkward Solis-Scavo dinner.

But there are, of course, more secrets to uncover at this dinner, but just like the one between Gaby and Tom, the one between Lynette and Carlos is equally non-threatening. Lynette took a shower one day at Carlos’ office at work, which in turn upsets Tom, so Lynette is hesitant to tell him about what happened the next morning, when Carlos swung by the Scavo house to pick Lynette up for a company meeting, only to hear her knock herself unconscious in the shower and carry her passed out naked body to her bed.

Yeah, ho-hum. See?

As far as the Hodge clan stories are concerned, Orson’s neurotic thievery has finally caught up with him as Bree catches him in a lie about what he was doing the night of Edie’s death — don’t forget, he was one of the many elements that caused it to happen, accidental or not — and begins to work with her son to divorce the man, as he just simply hasn’t been the same since before he went to jail. Which makes sense. Because he was in jail.

The only worthy story this week deals hardcore in Creepy Dave’s life, as he has seemingly stopped all of his vengeance schemes in order to mourn Edie’s death and drink himself into a stupor. The neighborhood doesn’t know what to do with him, but Susan at least makes an effort to sneak through his house and take away anything that could be used as a means of suicide. (Gun, knives, ties, belts, etc.) When she comes back to return the gun and knives — because she was pulled over by the cops and was found with all the weapons, ho ho! — she relates a story to Creepy Dave, one that completely changes his focus and purpose on Wisteria Lane. As we all know, something was fishy about the day that Susan and Mike got into the car accident that killed Creepy Dave’s first family, but now it comes together more clearly — Susan was the one driving the car, but she and Mike decided to say that Mike was driving as Susan didn’t have her license on her. And as these words go into Creepy Dave’s ears and through his fucked-up brain, a new scheme seems to form, and his bloodlust arises anew.

What will Dave do with this new info? The show seems to infer that he’s going to do something horrible to Susan and Mike’s son, MJ, which would be above and beyond the cruelty of his original plan. But this man has just lost his second wife, so who knows how far he’s willing to go?

After last week’s sex fest, not much was going down on Brothers & Sisters this week, so I’ll just say it was a good middle-of-the-road episode and just run through some of the more important updates.

The Saga of Tommy Walker

Now that Tommy has made it very clear he is not coming home to Pasadena, his wife Julie is left struggling to pay the bills and support their child to the point that she has to give up the house. Kevin groups together some money to put the house in the Walkers’ name, but then Julie is offered a well-paying teaching position up in Seattle (whut whuuuut?) and leaves, presumably forever, from the clutches of the Walkers. I missed the second half of the first season of this show, so I don’t really have any connection to her character, so this is fine.

The Continuing Break-Up of the Hottest Couple on TV

Now that Justin and Rebecca are done, she has been dealing with all of Ryan’s drama in re: his dead mother and her relationship with William Walker. This had the potential to make Rebecca and Ryan a very creepy, incestuous-but-not-incestuous couple (both their moms banged the same dude, and both at some point has thought they were a Walker), but Rebecca begins to see Ryan’s true, evil colors when he accepts Holly’s offer to work at Ojai Foods. Since he is technically a Walker, he would be entitled to some shares, enough that if he banded up with Holly (and presumably Rebecca), they could overtake the entire company. Rebecca ain’t no fool, though, so she returns to Justin to make him aware of this plan, depressed that Ryan wasn’t the sweet guy he thought he was.

Kitty’s Emotional Affair

Kitty, still struggling through her marriage with gubernatorial candidate Robert McCallister, is getting closer to single father Alec (Matt Letscher from Eli Stone), going to far as to help him pick out a new house. This, in turn, leads to a fairly major car accident, which Kitty decides to lie about in re: if there was anybody else in the car. But when Robert decides to take their adopted child to the park and is approached by Alec’s little boy, he puts two and two together and exposes Kitty for having an emotional affair and lying about it. This collapse has been brewing since the birth of their child (which Robert missed due to his political schedule), and the addition of Kitty running to Alec at his new place and making out with him pretty much seals the deal. I don’t know how much Rob Lowe is into being on this show, but this is a program that puts a lot of effort into having its focal characters be pretty morally responsible people, and I don’t know if the writers and showrunners are even planning on getting Kitty and Robert back together.

The Husband:

Ding dong, Edie is finally fucking dead. Thank whatever lord you have, because her constant story repetitions that serve no purpose other than to act as a cheap plot device for other, better plots have finally come to a close. No longer do we have to put her in all the promos as if she were one of the “housewives” despite contributing nothing to the series other than a plastic shell. Hell, she didn’t even feel like a housewife when she was, in all actuality, a wife this season to Creepy Dave.

Clearly, no one is all that moved by Edies death.

Clearly, no one is all that moved by Edie's death.

But the show isn’t done with her yet, at least not in this week’s episode, because for the first (and hopefully last) time, she takes over the Mary Alice role and became the narrator. As long as her mannish voice is gone next week, then I accept that this, an episode based solely on the housewives (plus Mrs. McClusky) reminiscing about Edie Britt. But if she sticks around in the ether, then I’ll be fucking pissed.

As the rest of the stories have been put completely on hold for the long van ride to Edie’s son’s boarding school, there isn’t really a whole lot to talk about. (Nope, no mention of Creepy Dave’s story, which directly caused Edie’s death.) Basically, Gaby and Edie had a very special night on the town that turned into a tender moment fueled by jealousy that Gaby got more free drinks at a bar than Edie did, Susan called out the new-to-the-neighborhood Edie for sleeping with a married man until Edie turned around and informed Susan of the terrible truth of Susan’s husband’s infidelity with another woman, Lynnette learned to battle cancer when Edie takes her to a biker bar (huh?), and Mrs. McClusky had a drink-fueled heart-to-heart with Edie about what it means to lose a child as opposed to giving one up.

The only memory I really and truly appreciated was Bree’s, which dealt with the years between last season and this season as it pertained to Orson’s incarceration. After being basically forced out of Wisteria Lane, Edie had taken to visiting Orson every so often in prison, not for sex but just because the prison was nearby and she needed a friend, and Bree was certainly not coming as often as she should…being Orson’s wife and all. The story filled in a couple emotional holes that seemed to positively gape when this flash-forward season started, so I’m glad that the writers took the time to at least address some Van De Kamp/Hodge drama.

There only five episodes left, so they’d better be nice and juicy.

…I can’t believe I just wrote “nice and juicy.” This is not good.

Over on Brothers & Sisters, everybody has sex on the brain (look at the episode’s title if you need help with that one), save for most of the children (thankfully offscreen) and the on-the-lam Tommy. (Although, technically, he is stranded in Mexico, so who’s to say Balthazar Getty is not getting some south-of-the-border va-hi-na or participating in a Double Indemnity-inspired murder plot concocted by Patricia Arquette twins.)

Let’s split this up into two sections.

Getting Laid

  • The newly reappointed-to-Ojai-Foods Sarah, who shares a quick office tryst with Cal the accountant/volunteer firefighter (Christián de la Fuente from Dancing with the Stars and…other stuff I don’t watch), only to find out the next day that he was a temp and she bought and wore that too-tight red dress for nothing.
  • …actually, she was the only one getting laid.

Not Getting Laid But Certainly Thinking About It

  • Kevin and Scotty, who are propositioned by Kevin’s closeted former lover Chad (Jason Lewis) to have a threesome with him, only to reject his very forward suggestion but still be hot-and-bothered enough to have a shirtless make-out session, only to be interrupted by the just-banged-by-a-temp Sarah. (Jason Lewis, after playing a model/actor on Sex and the City and a soap opera actor on House, stretches his performance abilities to play…an actor.)
  • Ryan The Missing Walker continuing to lust after Rebecca, despite making it so obvious in mixed company that Rebecca’s estranged father warns her of this creepy boy’s total creep factor.
  • Nora, who is suddenly revisited by architect Roger Grant, who has informed her that his open relationship with his London-based wife (a set-up that turned Nora off) has turned into no marriage at all, so now he only has eyes for her.
  • Kitty, who is watching her marriage completely fall apart (despite Robert’s affidavit, signed by his doctor, that his heart is finally okay enough to survive a bout of passionate lurrrrrvin’), is starting to really feel fondness for Alec the single father, who brings her treats at the playground their children use every day. Watch out, Kitty – his brother is a lawyer who can see the future via musical numbers (or however one is to describe Eli Stone’s “powers”).
  • Justin, who is trying to either find a way to restart his relationship with Rebecca or at least find closure, neither or which really happens.

Other than the knowledge that Tommy, despite having all charges dropped against him, still doesn’t want to come back to his family and relatives in the United States, not a whole lot of story progress was made this week, but it was definitely an entertaining way to come back to the Walker clan after several weeks off the air.

The Wife:

Hey, people who watch Desperate Housewives and stuff! Question! Is “Look Into Their Eyes and You’ll See What They Know” the first DH episode that draws it’s title from Sondheim lyrics rather than song titles? Because that song is “Ladies Who Lunch” from Company. Here! Watch the brilliant Anna Kendrick perform it in Camp!


The Husband:

I’m going to keep this short, because it’s been a full week since I watched these episodes of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters, and since neither show will be back on television until April 19, I don’t really feel like too many people are going to come looking for this article with any frequency or questions.

So up first is the quick good and bad bits of last week’s DH.

Good

  • The complete collapse of Lesley Boone as Carlos’ VP, as a frustrated, overworked Lynette got her to mistake Carlos and Gaby’s kids as those of the non-English-speaking Hispanic custodian. A damn good way to go out and a good instance of two of the “housewives” banding together to take down a common enemy
  • The horribly psychotic and violent drawings done by Susan’s ex-husband’s son. Hilarious.
  • Edie is finally dead. (Fingers crossed that she’s not just injured. I’ve been waiting for this waste of a character to be gone since she fake-hanged herself at the end of s3.) And it wasn’t enough to kill her once. They killed her in three ways. First, Creepy Dave strangled her when she tried to call 911, but then let go right before she was to gasp her last breath. Then she drove her car into a telephone poll after swerving to avoid Cat Burglar Orson (don’t ask), and barely survived that, then got out of her car and electrocuted herself on the stray electrical wires from said fallen telephone poll. Dead dead dead.
Is it too soon for me to say Ding Dong?

Is it too soon for me to say "Ding Dong?"

Bad

  • Everything with Orson. Just…don’t ask. It’s lame. And if the rumors are true, this is his last season. What a lame way to go out.
  • Creepy Dave’s lame ultimate plan for revenge against Mike Delfino, which just basically was going on a cabin/camping trip with Mike and Katherine, then pretending to sleep while they left to go hiking, and then shooting at Katherine while they hiked, thus making Mike feel the torture Creepy Dave felt when his family was “killed.” And it was all foiled by Edie calling his cell phone, making him miss his mark.

So now onto Brothers & Sisters, where I think I can actually formulate some paragraphs.

So after all that build-up, what with Tommy embezzling money from Ojai Foods in order to concoct an illegal scheme to get Holly to give over her shares in the company which would thusly dethrone her, the entire thing just disappears. How? Even though Tommy is still on the run after ditching Justin and Kevin in Baja and cannot be reached, Sarah took it upon herself to reassert herself as a major businesswoman at Ojai Foods, leaving Greenatopia behind to fend for themselves. (In a nice way, but she’s still ditching them.) So then, at her first Ojai Foods board meeting, she and Nora, with their mere presence, basically convince Holly to drop all charges against Tommy, because the case itself would seriously damage the company and its insistence on being a family legacy.

Well…that was easy. I was expecting that to last through the rest of the season. But it did get Balthazar Getty to remove himself from the show, at least temporarily, until he is relegated to a semi-recurring guest spot next week. Nobody likes you, Tommy. And the case also managed to break up Justin and Rebecca, a.k.a. the hottest couple on prime-time soap television, leaving the increasingly evil Ryan the Missing Walker to be her creepy rebound guy. (Never mind that he has roped Rebecca into looking for evidence regarding his mother’s “suicide” and whether or not the dead Papa Walker was somehow responsible.) Hopefully Justin and Rebecca could get over this and go back to making sweet sweet love.

Uh, was he missing for so long because he was hanging out in Forks, WA being a vampire?

Uh, was he missing for so long because he was hanging out in Forks, WA being a vampire?

And when did Rob Lowe turn into a bitch? Well, that’s an easy answer, because it was when he had his heart attack during the two-hour “movie” episode. But heart attacks don’t turn people into a-holes as far as I know, and right now we have Rob Lowe suffering from the Ethan-on-90210 disease where his characters seems to be suffering from a body snatcher situation. And his bitchness is causing Kitty to start making eyes at the single father she sees at the park, played by none other than Eli Stone’s brother.

Next Page »