Make Me a Supermodel


The Wife:

It’s almost not worth talking about the rest of this episode, because the important thing is the terrible, horrible, no good very bad thing that occurred at the end of this episode.

Um. so, we can fuck now, right? Because we're both supermodels? That's the rule, isn't it?

Um. so, we can fuck now, right? Because we're both supermodels? That's the rule, isn't it?

Bravo made Branden a supermodel.

Not Sandhurst. Not Jonathan.

But Branden.

Branden whose naked shoot would have been a reshoot. Branden who was told he was too cocky. Branden who didn’t listen to the photographer’s instructions and wasted an entire day’s worth of pyrotechnic set-up, not to mention the cost of said pyrotechnics. Branden who can’t pronounce Ferragamo.

Does that make any sense to anyone?

Even when Jonathan and Sandhurst faltered, they couldn’t take a truly bad photo, but Branden could. Even if Jonathan and Sandhurst didn’t do their best runway, it was still better than Branden’s. And neither of them had a propensity to sneer. Smirk, yes, but sneer, no. What the fuck, Bravo? What. The. Fuck.

It is truly hard for me to believe that the strength of Branden’s 24×20 Polaroid portrait was enough to cement his win. It was a great picture of his face, but I’ll tell you one reason why I didn’t like it. While Matthew Rolston is correct in the assertion that the freakish S-curve of Branden’s over-developed back in this side-on shot made it memorable, I don’t think the point of this shoot was to show one’s freakishness. The point was for photographer Timothy Greenfield-Smith to coax out the inner resources of the model, producing a photo of Sandhurst that was warm, coy and invitingly sexy, and a photo of Jonathan that was impishly wise. Branden’s photo proved to me that he basically has no Inner Resources, as poet John Berryman would say, and over-developed back muscles that cause him to constantly lurch forward. It was interesting visually, but I did not see who Branden is, and that’s why I don’t think that photo worked.

Really, is this attractive to anyone not named Nicole Trunfio?

Really, is this attractive to anyone not named Nicole Trunfio?

I also don’t understand why Catherine Malandrino didn’t like Jonathan’s clothed, catalog pose, as the point of that was, in fact, to model clothes. They put him in a Marc Jacobs-y outfit and he posed in a Marc Jacobs-y way. Mission accomplished. But then again, Catherine Malandrino spent this entire episode confusing the hell out of me, asking inane, irrelevant questions that supposedly inform the judges’ decisions, inquiring whether or not Jonathan would be able to travel and leave his family as a model (his response: isn’t that what I’m currently doing?), if it was hard for Branden to be away from his mom (so much so that he wept on the runway, the act of which would have immediately gotten a female contestant kicked off . . . like when Amanda did it) or if Sandhurst really wanted to be a model or if he felt more like a dancer. (I don’t even know what that has to do with anything, especially because her co-panelist Jenny Shumizu didn’t always want to be a model and used to be a motorcycle enthusiast until Calvin Klein discovered her . . . hence her tattoo of a pin-up girl clutching a very phallic wrench.)

But my intense confusion about Catherine Malandrino’s very existence and Branden’s inexplicable win aside, there were some excellent moments in this episode, by which I mean the entire segment in which the boys were invited to a gallery showing of their work accompanied by their family members. (The part where they had their Cosmopolitan cover try? Not so exciting, as the current EIC of Cosmo is kind of frightening, but I love that the current fashion director is a miniscule Asian woman named Anna Kwon, who may as well be played by Linda Hunt in The Year of Living Dangerously. Ohmigod . . . tangent! I just realized that character I’m alluding to in The Year of Living Dangerously is named Billy Kwan! WHOA! WHOA! My mind was just totally blown . . . even though Kwon and its variants are very common in Korea and other parts of Southeast Asia, those names are too similar for my brain to consider sheer coincidence.) Branden was reunited with his mother, who looks just like him and has such a down-home sensibility about her that she is at first completely stunned to silence by her son’s $1500 suit, only to come past the sticker shock and realize, breathlessly, that it means he actually has money for once in his life. I was, however, not pleased with their complete lack of sophistication during the gallery event, which Branden entered hooting and hollering with excitement. Later, his mother shouted out “My son’s a supermodel!” in a mixture of pride and disbelief that made for good television but would have totally and completely annoyed the hell out of me if I were at that gallery. That’s another reason Branden shouldn’t be a supermodel: he has no sense of decorum in regards to the spaces models currently occupy. Yes, a gallery of your work is exciting, but you shriek that under your breath as you enter, not jump in the air on the red carpet doing bell kicks and yelling out as though you are Yosemite Sam. (Seriously, that’s what I think of when people hoot, holler and do bell kicks in the air.)

Sandhurst’s sister Devonne, who has a really sweet-ass design shaved into her skull, was his plus one. I really liked seeing the joy between these two siblings – they’re super cute together and you can tell they have a whole lot of fun back home. Devonne also seems like a pretty stylin’ lady, and I appreciate the fact that she spoke candidly about her opinions of each contestant’s strengths, endorsing her brother as the best without saying that his opponents didn’t deserve to win or weren’t good.

I just don't understand how a man who looks like he belongs in both of these outfits didn't win.

I just don't understand how a man who looks like he belongs in both of these outfits didn't win.

But there was no better moment than seeing Jonathan with his wife and son. First of all, I pretty much melted into a puddle when I heard that his name was Jude because I spend a lot of my time saying this or that shot of Jonathan looks like Jude Law (in fact, Matthew Rolston’s shot of Jude Law, I thought, looked like Jonathan). Little Jude is super-duper adorable and I could really just watch an entire hour of television about Jonathan interacting with his son. My favorite Jude moment would probably be when he helped his dad turn the pages in his book to show wife Amanda just how fucking sexy her husband is. Honestly, there are few things sexier than a man devoted to his children, and if I wasn’t already a devotee at the Church of Jonathan, seeing him with Jude would have totally turned me.

The Catwalk Challenge, in which the gentlemen had to don Viktor & Rolf-ish weirdo crazy suits and sleek hipster Ben Sherman suits was mostly just there because they needed a catwalk challenge in this episode, as it seemed the judges had already made their minds up and not even Jonathan’s superb walk in both outfits (the Viktor & Rolf outfit was a polka dot suit of which the pants were satin short shorts – he wore that ess and owned it), but especially his cheeky, Mod sensibility with which he showed the grey Ben Sherman with satin double-point lapel, clearly the best suit of the bunch. Branden had the easiest outfits in both catwalks, which might have been Bravo’s way of giving him a free pass to winning, because I doubt he could have worn Sandhurst’s matador-inspired Viktor & Rolf bowtie suit shorts without looking like a total ass-clown.

He's like the most elegant Dali matador I've ever seen.

He's like the most elegant Dali matador I've ever seen.

Ugh.

Whatever, Bravo. Let’s not forget which person on this show actually walked away with a national campaign for 2xist.*

Yeah, that’s right. Not fucking Branden.

*It’s Jonathan, in case you forgot.

The Husband:

Why bother picking somebody who doesn’t know anything about the industry? Why bother picking anybody who has failed at so many photoshoots as Branden, having to constantly be coaxed by sheer fashion force into a passable photo? Why bother ignoring the glorious and entirely commercial work of Jonathan or the sheer elegance of Sandhurst?

As per comments on my Facebook status update, my mother believes the following: “I blame Osama Bin Laden for creating a xenophobic atmosphere. They wanted an authentic American to win.” While I can’t entirely agree, as Bravo does a pretty damn good job in being as international as they can, there is a little bit of truth, as it may have just been what New York Model Management wanted from the get-go. And that kind of sucks. It was clear they always wanted a male winner after last season’s [rightful] female win. I just didn’t think they’d go so bland, so immature and, yes, pretty boring.

Branden isn’t a tenth of the model that Jonathan is. As with acting, dancing, singing, etc., it’s far more preferable to have somebody energetic you can tone down instead of a stiff performer you have to goose.

Branden isn’t a tenth of the model Sandhurst is. He has almost no control over his body, and his inability to work both his face and his body at the same time basically makes me think he’s one of those people who have trouble patting their head and rubbing their belly at the same time.

Oy. What gives, Bravo? I was 100% behind your decision to eliminate the America voting part of the competition, because I don’t usually trust America in such contests. (Perry, while a dick last season, was absolutely right that Ben stuck around because of the Bronnie bromance.) But now I feel I can’t trust any of these people either. I don’t need another Abercrombie & Fitch model. I don’t care if Trunfio wants his cock.

Oy.

The Wife:

Can someone please explain to me how Branden keeps skirting by in this competition? Because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how he skirted by last week when he delivered a picture in which a dead fish modeled better than he did, and I definitely don’t understand how he got a pass to the final three this week when he blatantly chose to ignore the advice and instruction of the photographer, rendering hundreds of dollars worth of pyrotechnics and hours of setup completely useless because he decided to scream in his en fuego shoot. This is not the first time he’s basically wasted everyone’s time and money on a shoot, and yet he remains. What’s wrong with that picture?

It's like his face says he can smell how badly he stanked up this pic-a-ture.

It's like his face says he can smell how badly he stanked up this pic-a-ture.

When Sandhurst decided to scream in Clay Patrick McBride’s pyrotechnic shoot, I was worried for him, too, but he gave so much more than Branden did that he transcended the “scream face” McBride was worried about and delivered a strong, yet madcap photograph. Jonathan and Mountaha played it safe and both delivered better shots than Branden, with Jonathan looking exactly like David Bowie in his, but I guess Mountaha doing only one pose over the course of the exposure was somehow not good enough for Perou, who chastised her for not knowing they were going to get more than one shot . . . when McBride had framed the purpose of the shoot to them as saying, “You get a single take to get this shot right.” Now, considering he didn’t tell them he was shooting a single take with multiple rapid exposure, what the hell was she supposed to think other than, “You literally have a singular shot to get this right. One take. One shot. That’s it.” And for that she went home. Why?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Branden’s shot was BAD and a WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME AND EFFORT. In fact, if this were a campaign it would have been UNUSABLE. Bravo producers, I realize it’s funny to have a village idiot because village idiots make good TV, but I’ve always been impressed with the fact that Bravo’s shows place talent over all else, and I find it extremely hard to believe that Branden is actually a more viable choice to win this show than Mountaha. Thus, you must have kept him in because he’s more ‘interesting” . . . or because Mountaha was actually a threat to either Jonathan or Sandhurst winning, and we couldn’t have a female win this show two years in a row. I’m not saying that the competition is rigged in any way, because I believe at this point either Jonathan or Sandhurst could win. They’re both strong enough to do so. But so was Mountaha. So I ask you, why would you put up a guy who has effectively wasted two photoshoots against Jonathan and Sandhurst unless you were trying to guarantee that one of those two men won? It’s Bee Ess, I tell you. Bee. Ess.

Other than that fateful shoot, though, which Sandhurst won, the models were sent to do some “informal” (i.e. “in store”) modeling at Bloomingdale’s in which they walked around hocking the clothes off their backs. Branden, further proving he is not cut out for the world of fashion, had to be corrected several times by his potential clients about how to pronounce the names of the labels he was wearing. Le sigh. Jonathan was obviously a natural at this because he’s Jonathan and he’s a god amongst men. (Can we also note for a second how adorable he looked in that Marc Jacobs sweater?) Sandhurst came out of his shell a little bit and worked the room well and Mountaha, well, she looked stunning in electric blue Michael Kors – so much so that now I want that dress. For their efforts, the models were each given a $2K shopping spree at Bloomie’s, except for Sandhurst, who had double the money as a reward for winning the photoshoot. Ever the sweetheart, he used the bulk of his money to buy gifts for his family with the help of two Bloomingdale’s personal shoppers. Jonathan bought presents for himself and his wife, Mountaha bought a pair of Dior shoes and Branden, in the only moment that has ever made me proud of him, purchased the suit he modeled that day, which is probably the wisest investment he’ll ever make.

Sandhurst: literally and figuratively on fire this week.

Sandhurst: literally and figuratively on fire this week.


This week’s Catwalk Challenge asked the models to walk in Catherine Malandrino’s designs, and Jonathan received the most praise Perou has ever given when he compared the model to Daniel Craig’s James Bond. Perhaps it was this runway that sealed Mountaha’s fate, as Catherine Malandrino found her decision to don a long brown wig (that kind of made her look like Marion Cotillard) both insulting and distracting from the clothes. For the record, I never, ever understand what Catherine Malandrino is saying. Not because of her accent, but because she never, ever makes any sense. I don’t know. It was either Perou or Catherine Malandrino that did Mountaha in, but I think we all know it should have been Branden who left us this week. And I think Mountaha knew it, too, considering the crying jag she went on after being eliminated. I guess, at the very least, she did get a pair of Dior shoes out of this whole thing. And I have no doubt that she’ll be working for a long time after this, even without a win and $100,000.

The Wife:

To begin, thank God that Salome and Jonathan reversed last week’s tragic makeovers! Thank also the producers for asking the models to shoot a swimwear shot during a 34-degree New York winter! This was a great attempt at realism, in which Nicole pointed out that because of conflicts with the runway season, most swimwear campaigns are shot in the winter. However, she neglected to mention that they’re shot in the winter in places where winter is no colder than 50 degrees! Sports Illustrated shot their swimsuit edition all around the freakin’ Mediterranean, not the island of Manhattan! And guest SI model Jessica Gomes would definitely, definitely know that better than anyone. And so the models were tortured as Nicole, Tyson and photographers Markus Klinko and Indrani (which kind of sounds like a Scandinavian rock band) stood around in parkas, asking naked people to act like they weren’t cold while posing with frozen sea creature corpses. It was pretty glorious, actually. There are few things in this world I love more than semi-nudity and seafood.

  • Salome: They put her in a butt-baring thongkini and asked her to loft a very sinewy, long dead fish over her head. At first, the photographers had a lot of trouble getting the right expression out of Salome, but eventually, she settled in and delivered a golden shot, with her glorious ass straight to camera. Photographers really seem to love her body, which is kind of like a giant fuck you to Marlon.
  • Jonathan: The man can carry two ungainly dead fish and look amazing. I’m a bit put off by the toothy expression he had in these pictures, but he got a great action shot out of this deal.
  • Sandhurst: Being from a place where one might actually shoot a swimwear campaign, Sandhurst was colder than the rest during his shoot and never really seemed to be able to put his mind over the matter that his balls were freezing. He got an okay shot, with a lackluster face and slimy octopode corpses dripping all over his shoulders.thumbicicle
  • Branden: The fish in Branden’s shot was a better model than he was.
  • Mountaha: They put her in a silver swimsuit, slicked back her hair and wrapped her shoulders in an eel stole. Her pose, style and demeanor in this shot actually reminded me of the model in Maurizio Nichetti’s Ladri di Saponette (or, The Icicle Thief), Heidi Komarek, who I think was an actual model in the 80s. The image to your right is a tiny thumbnail of Heidi Komarek, which when you compare to Mountaha’s picture, I think is pretty uncanny. Her shot blew me away. And now I kind of want an eel stole.
Uncanny.

Uncanny.

Salome was given the win, although I really think this one should have gone to Mountaha. Nonetheless, as the only two girls left, they both got to go-see at Amir Slama’s Rosa Chà, who is all over my teevee recently. Mountaha was excited to meet him because they’re both Brazilian. Unfortunately, Slama didn’t like either girl in his swimwear, but he did offer them jobs modeling his dresses at an upcoming trunk show. Success! Meanwhile, Nicole arranged a job for the boys, as well. They were asked to promote hip furniture store BluDot by modeling on and interacting with the furniture and the customers. Jonathan excelled at this, in part because he’s such a charming carnival barker. Branden was a total tool, but that kind of worked to his advantage here. Sandhurst, on the other hand, just does not have quite the right attitude to be in sales. Nonetheless, they all got paid for the day, so it was a win for everyone!

At home, Marlon dropped by to critique everyone’s swimsuit shots. He actually wasn’t totally mean to Salome, although he did point out that how great she looked in the shot was probably due to some cellulite retouching. Although, really, I’m not sure why that would matter as every single photo that goes in a campaign is retouched in some way. He also kind of destroyed Branden’s confidence while renewing Jonathan’s and gave everyone helpful tips for how to look stronger, taller or thinner in their photos.

At the Catwalk Challenge, the models were told they would no longer have immunity as the winner and were asked to model two looks in high fashion designs by The Blonds, one goth and one glam. Allow me to provide you with my favorite quote from this episode on The Blonds:


“I saw this cute little girl and as soon as she turned the corner, I was like, ‘Adam’s apple!’ Branden was like, ‘Boobies!’ And I was like, ‘Nuh-uh.'” – Jonathan


That right there? Inspired. Also inspired? Every single thing The Blonds put the models in.

Goth segment:

  • For a second, I thought Branden was Adam Lambert in a blonde wig.
  • Sandhurst in a blonde pompadour looks like a muscular version of Prince.
  • Mountaha looks so fucking fierce I can’t stand it.
  • Jonathan = rawr.
Vaguely Lambert-esque.

Vaguely Lambert-esque.

Glam segment:

  • Salome’s wig is terrible, but her metal star dress is my second favorite metal creation of the week. (Behind Adam Lambert’s epaulettes, of course.)
  • Putting Sandhurst in brown pants is kind of a bad idea, as it took me a long time to realize he was wearing pants at all.
  • Mountaha! Showgirl feathers! She is fucking killing me today!
  • Jonathan looks like an Egyptian metal god. Even I don’t know what that really means.


After some strange discussion from Jenny Shumizu in which she dubbed Branden euro-looking and avant garde (because those are not words I would ever attach to him), the judges decided that Jonathan should be this week’s winner, and while I love him, this should have been Mountaha’s week, for sure. They also decided, perhaps with Jenny Shumizu’s urging, that Branden should stay in the competition, putting Salome and Sandhurst in this week’s loser category. Ultimately, Sandhurst was allowed to stay, while Salome’s sweet ass was sent home.

I love Sandhurst, and I believe he can rise above his biggest critique:

“You have the body of a supermodel, but the face of an accountant.”


But, really? Really? Salome? Over Branden, who is so one-note I don’t know what to do with him? A guy whose shoot would have been reshot only a few weeks ago? I knew Salome wouldn’t win this season, but she should have been in the final four. Even though the show is not called Make Me a Print Model, she deserved one more week on Make Me a Supermodel, because the show is also not called Make Me a Mediocre Model, and that’s what Branden is.

The Husband:

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I have no idea how Branden ekes by each week. He does a bad job with the photos, and his runways are, with one exception, completely disappointing. I get that the show needs to have some kind of representative for the über-young, and some of the judges want his cock.

But him over Salome? Conspiracy!

Pretty sure Mennonites know how to fish like this.

Pretty sure Mennonites know how to fish like this.

Yes, this show isn’t called Make Me a Print Model, but I think she was doing far better with the catwalks than for which she was given credit. She wasn’t the best, but couldn’t she have had another week of “learning”?

FNEH!

The Wife:

A horrible thing almost happened this week on Make Me a Supermodel. We almost lost Jonathan. And I still don’t understand how. I mean, did the photographer not see at all what he was giving during his photoshoot for Rowdy? Dude fucking hung upside down in a doorway and gave mad face — how could they possible not have chosen at least one shot of Jonathan over that lonely, far-off shot of Branden?

Nonetheless, props to the max to the editors for making us all think that because Sandhurst and Jonathan know they’re the best and that Branden is by far the least talented of the remaining models, that Branden would be the one to not appear in any shots. The challenge, by the way, was to get in as many of the final six shots as possible by being fucking awesome. The girls also bitched and moaned about how their hair and makeup took longer so they were at a shot disadvantage, but, presumably because the girls have breasts, they ended up being in more shots than any of the boys.

I mean, really, why wouldn't you choose more shots of these fine ladies?

I mean, really, why wouldn't you choose more shots of these fine ladies?

Here’s the final tally:

Mountaha: 3 photos

Salome: 4 photos

Jordan: 3 photos

Branden: 2 photos

Jonathan: 1 photo, which is the wrongest thing I’ve ever seen

Sandhurst: 2 photos

Per the rules of the game, Salome was awarded the win, much to the chagrin of her fellow contestants who constantly complain that she wins all these photoshoots but never books jobs, which, frankly, tells me that she’s a great print model, but not a good runway model. (I see their argument in that the show isn’t called Make Me a Print Model, but Make Me a Supermodel, implying the winner should be able to do all types of modeling.) She was sent on a go-see for Alice + Olivia, and brought Mountaha with her (since she brought Jordan last time).

While Salome and Mountaha were out strutting their stuff, Nicole Trunfio took the remaining models to a salon to get “next-level makeovers.” This basically meant that nothing happened to Sandhurst, Branden got some wax put in his hair and Jordan threw a fit before putting herself in the hands of the stylist who darkened her look. But then there was Jonathan, so clearly distraught from a challenge he (and I) completely misread that he thought he should make a drastic change. So he cut his hair very short and took it very dark, erasing his sun-kissed golden god look and basically becoming . . . Jude Law. This was not an entirely bad makeover, but I liked Jonathan as he was before. Even Sandhurst felt that the makeover made Jonathan lose some of his glow.

At the go-see, the folks from Alice + Olivia loved Salome’s angelic face and thought that, even though she’s a little bigger than most girls on the runway, they really liked her for the brand. Mountaha didn’t have the right look for Alice + Olivia clothing, and was deemed not quite edgy enough to transcend/juxtapose romantic clothing. They told Salome they were considering her for their summer collection, which is better than all of the outright rejections she’d received before. Mountaha and Salome joined their competitors at the salon post-go-see where Mountaha was made blonder and Salome, for some reason, got a strange exaggerated bob weave, about which she remarked that she never thought she’d have a weave because she thought they were for black people. She’s kind of right: just look at all of the white girls Tyra gives weaves to and notice how they absolutely don’t know how to take care of them about halfway through the season over on ANTM. White girls just don’t know how to take care of a weave.

At the Catwalk Challenge, the models were asked to learn to use Heelys and incorporate skating into their catwalk. Jordan was afraid she’d be the worst at this, and she was, but even so she opted not to trade in her Heelys for high heels. Jonathan really stepped it up here and, knowing he’d done poorly in the photoshoot, learned to skate backwards down the runway, which certainly secured him another week on the show. The outfits for this challenge were straight up wacky, like stuff you might see in a neon raver version of Godspell, and Mountaha got the worst of them all, but still managed to rock it.

Wigga-wha?

Wigga-wha?

In the end, Mountaha was given immunity this week, and Jordan was sent home after a very intense discussion in which I thought they might oust Salome (because Marlon straight up hates her body) or Jonathan (because everyone at panel thinks he over-models sometimes), but they sent home one of the right people. It would have been better to see Branden go, but Jordan is such a pill that I’m glad to be rid of her bitchface.

My ideal top 4 would be Jonathan, Sandhurst, Mountaha and Salome. Branden has to go next week, because if he makes it into the finals, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong for any of those far superior models.

The Wife:

Last week, the aspiring models learned to lead “The Simple Life” and were taken out to a ranch for a “rugged” country shoot involving farm animals and the spirit of the American cowboy, in which I learned that Jonathan is God’s gift to male modeling and it would be a complete and total thing if he didn’t win this season. There was some debate before the shoot where Jordan was a snotty bitch about the fact that Amanda and Salome felt they would do well because they grew up on farms and ranches, thus giving them more experience with animals. I don’t know why Jordan has to be such a snotty bitch about everything, but she is. She’s a good model, but a terrible human being. Although she is right about one thing:


“I’d rather wrestle a pig in a photo shoot than shoot with Amanda again.”


Nobody likes Amanda. Because she sucks. Let’s do some model math on this shoot:

  • Sandhurst + a baby calf = Totally golden photograph that shows how damn strong Sandhurst is.
  • Branden + a steer = Wounded masculinity, in that he didn’t look rugged in this shot at all.
  • Mountaha + a baby calf = One bewildered shot out of a series of wasted frames with an unhappy cow.
  • Salome + steer = Bonanza Jellybean in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues.
  • Colin + steer = A still from Witness? He couldn’t have looked more Amish in this shot, or more cinematic, which isn’t totally a good thing..
  • Jonathan + horses = I don’t know how to quit you because you are totally the best model in this competition and I want to hang that photo on my wall and stare at it.
  • Jordan + a horse = The only time Jordan has taken a really bad shot.
  • Amanda + a horse = But at least Jordan’s shot didn’t look like it came out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Quote photographer Aliya Naumoff, “It’s like she’s making love to a horse.”
If I were a dude, I would go Brokeback for this.

If I were a dude, I would go Brokeback for this.

It became increasingly evident that Jonathan’s only real competition on this show is Sandhurst, as he won the shoot and was awarded a go-see at Buffalo jeans, which he immediately thought would be problematic because Sandhurst has self-proclaimed “thunder thighs.” In other words, being a ballet dancer has made him develop stellar, muscular, strong legs that are not ideal for modeling. He brought Branden along with him because they’re the same height, so the folks at Buffalo would be forced to choose between two equivalent things. Colin sang Sandhurst a cute little diddy about his thunder thighs as they left and, once there, the folks at Buffalo weren’t too thrilled with how tight Sandhurst’s jeans were (although, “that is a look, now”). They liked how the jeans fit Branden better, but didn’t like him as a model. Neither gentleman booked a job.

At the house, a personal trainer dropped by to whip everybody into shape, which is good because in addition to being a whiny bitch, Jordan also isn’t a gym rat and spends her time loafing about while the others murder themselves to get in shape. She even attacked the fridge, telling Sandhurst that a cereal bowl the size of his head is too large and that Branden would have to give up his bacon.


“I’m gonna miss you, bacon. My life isn’t gonna be the same without you.” – Branden

For their Catwalk Challenge, the models donned outfits inspired by the English countryside. Branden noted that Jonathan has a very English walk, whatever that means, and Jonathan himself thought that he had an advantage here because he’s lived in the English countryside and knows how people walk there . . . which I would assume is not at all how one would want to walk on a runway.

Amanda, Sandhurst, Jonathan, Mountaha, Colin and Branden were called down as the best and worst of the bunch. Nicole lobbied to save Colin (which I think means she wanted to do him), but her weird alien influence wasn’t enough and, after Jonathan was declared the winner, Colin was sent home. I, too, will miss his cute-ass face. But I hope he follows Tyson’s parting advice:


“Colin, go home. And get laid.”


The models then rallied for their next assignment in “Naked Ambition,” in which they were told by photographer Bill Diadato to select their “one perfect accessory” from a table to model with in their photo shoot . . . naked. Perhaps the luckiest in this shoot were those who chose scarves (Jonathan, Amanda) or large handbags (Jordan), while others with smaller accessories had a bigger challenge.

Branden’s biggest challenge was apparently his hairy balls, which the makeup folks suggested he shave before the shoot . . . and he cut himself. I’ll let Sandhurst explain the situation, because it was really fucking funny:


“Apparently, uh, his testicles are bleeding. You know, I’m sorry. There’s really no way to sugarcoat that one. His testicles are bleeding.”


Amanda tried to put her best face forward, even though everyone else (re: Jordan) mentioned that she was the most insecure in the house about her body. She mentioned in confessional that she’s very comfortable with her body because, in order to keep her son from becoming homosexual, she’s naked around him all the time. Um, okay, Amanda. First of all, if that doesn’t give him a total Oedipal complex, I don’t know what will. And you’re an idiot, because that’s not how people “become” gay. I wish she had said this in front of Jenny Shumizu so Jenny could tell her, straight up, “You know that makes no sense, right?”

I wish I knew how to knit you.

I wish I knew how to knit you.

Let’s do some more model math about this photo shoot:

  • Jonathan + a grey scarf = Wow. Jonathan is a god amongst men. He has an amazing body (and a really great ass!) and I think this shot is even sexier than his shot with the horsies.
  • Mountaha + 5 in. heels = A really difficult shot to pull off. She had a lot of trouble crouching, but her final shot, showing off her backside, was so stunning, and probably the most artistic of the bunch.
  • Salome + big earrings = “This picture is definitely never gonna be in the Mennonite weekly news.” Nope. No, it’s not because it’s a really great beauty shot of Salome’s gorgeous face. Plus, the photographer seemed to like her ass, which is a first for this show.
  • Sandhurst + gloves = “I am an African god warrior and everyone wants to see me naked.” I actually liked this picture more and more each time I looked at it. Not only does he look stellar in it, but I think he was the only person to show off his accessory in a really unique way.
  • Jordan + big-ass white bag = This girl is such a good model she got her final shot in one goddamn take.
  • Amanda + scarf = The first bad shot of the bunch, displaying neither the model nor the accessory well. But, to Amanda’s credit, I think she has a future as a Goldie Hawn look-alike. There were moments during her shoot where she looked exactly like Goldie. It was uncanny.
  • Branden + tie = The only shoot the photographer would have asked to set up a re-shoot for. That said, Branden did end up lucking into a shot that looked better than Amanda’s.
Please just look at how he's holding his hands. I know it's hard to look past the muscles, but I really think he did the best job showing the accessory here.

Please just look at how he's holding his hands. I know it's hard to look past the muscles, but I really think he did the best job showing the accessory here.

Salome was given the win, even though the other models thought it odd that her shot was the only shot that contained only the top half of the model’s body. To which I say, guys, if they hadn’t cropped that shot, you wouldn’t have been able to see the earrings. It was entirely a choice of showing the accessory well, not that Salome’s ass is bigger than any of yours and doesn’t look good on film. (Because, believe me, it does look good on film.) She won a go-see with Vitra, a lifestyle furniture company, and took Jordan along with her. In the car, Jordan bitched and moaned about how annoying everyone in the house was. Salome agreed, and then totally won my heart by telling Jordan that she was also annoying. Jordan had no reply to that, and justice was served. Even so, the folks at Vitra liked Jordan a little better for the brand, citing that Salome was a little too dramatic for their tastes, but neither girl booked the job that day, as there were still other models to look at.

In the house, people complained about Salome’s various wins and how she still hasn’t booked any jobs, which Jordan caught on her Shit Talking-ometer as they walked into the house. Sadly, Jonathan received a call from his wife saying that she couldn’t make rent this month with her husband gone. I’m sure that won’t ever be an issue again when he wins (especially when he gets his advance from 2xist), but for now, I really don’t think he should beat himself up about it. I truly love the fact that he wants to be the breadwinner for his family and that he wants to provide for them, but surely finances are not so bad that his lovely bride can’t dip into their savings to pay rent while he’s gone. Or, barring that, surely she could pick up some extra cash running a neighborhood day care in her home or even borrow a bit from her parents. There are a ton of solutions, and I hope Jonathan knows that and doesn’t let his concern for his family completely interfere with his incredible fierceness as a model.

Please cast her as a space babe in some shitty B movie.

Please cast her as a space babe in some shitty B movie.

For the Catwalk Challenge, the models were asked to make living art on the runway by walking in neon body-conscious clothing with a globe filled with butterflies over their heads. Mountaha was clearly the best in this challenge, wearing that butterfly dome like it was nobody’s business. Of the ladies, she also looked the best in her lime green mini-dress. I even thought Amanda did well today, presenting probably her best-ever catwalk. But even that wasn’t enough to save her, as Sandhurst was given immunity (yay!) and Amanda and fellow Oregonian Branden landed themselves in the bottom two. Although Branden technically had the worse photoshoot, Amanda turned out the weaker photo and then made excuses about how that shoot was really important for her because she hasn’t felt comfortable with the way her body has changed since she had her son – something Salome totally called her out on because, hey, your book doesn’t have those excuses for your bad work in it, just your bad work. So Amanda was sent home to keep her son from being gay by hanging out naked in front of him all the time, which is probably something she is better at than modeling.

The Wife:

Because there was no Lost last night, I get to give you two times your usual Thursday dose of modeling show recaps! Hooray!

This week’s photo challenge on Make Me a Supermodel was all about recreating the atmosphere of the 1960’s, particularly in the context of one of Andy Warhol’s factory parties. The very concept of the Roxanne Lowit shoot befuddled Mennonite Salome because, when given Yves St. Laurent, Andy Warhol and Madonna as connecting threads in their pre-shoot clue (as in, Roxanne Lowit has photographed all of those people), she was only familiar with Madonna. For some reason, this made Laury think she was fake, although I don’t know why. I’ll allow Salome’s cloistered and religious upbringing to excuse her from the knowledge of certain things, depending on what they are. I believe that she knows who Madonna is only because she’s in the tabloids constantly and her name is rather ubiquitous. I believe that she doesn’t know who Andy Warhol is because she’s had no exposure to pop art in her upbringing. However, I am deeply concerned that someone who wants to be a professional model doesn’t know who Yves St. Laurent was. Not only did he change the face of women’s fashion in the last century, but his name was mentioned on the show only a few episodes ago as the inspiration for the skinny suits in the gender-bending catwalk challenge.

Kathryn, an ANTM hopeful with a pen collection who didn’t end up making the show, was grilled by Tyra in the casting special about her fashion industry knowledge. The girl couldn’t name any other working models than Agyness Deyn, but she could name a grip of designers. I think it’s fair to assume that someone going into a profession – any profession – has done some cursory research on big names in the industry and their contributions to the field. And I certainly expect a model, whatever her background may have been, to enter into the modeling industry with knowledge of that industry. I certainly don’t expect Salome to know designers and labels like Rodarthe, Rag & Bone, Philip Lim or Jason Wu. I do, however, expect her to know names like Yves St. Laurent, Roberto Cavalli, Givenchy, Diane Von Fustenberg and Dolce & Gabbana. Those are big name brands with a legacy, and those are names she should know cold. And while I wouldn’t expect Salome to know a whole catalogue of working models popular today, I’d at least expect her to know names of greats that came before her. I expect her to know Tyra and Naomi and Kathy Ireland and Heidi Klum and Paulina Porizkova and Petra Nemcova and Christy Turlington and, most especially, Twiggy. When she said she didn’t know who Twiggy was, I grew deeply concerned for her and her place in this competition. She may have a lot of natural talent, but that girl needs to do some damn research. It’s like she’s trying to be a chef without knowing who Escoffier or Julia Child are.

But I thought a martini was just water and olive juice!

But I thought a martini was just water and olive juice!


At the shoot, Tyson revealed this week would have a double elimination, and then set about pairing the models up for their photos. Branden paired up with Sandhurst, choosing to once again state that he is not at all gay and just chose Sandhurst because he’s a strong model. Jonathan selected Jordan, while Colin selected Kerryn and I hoped that their shoot would end in a hook-up. Mountaha chose Salome, and Amanda, whom everyone hates for some reason, ended up with Laury.

  • Jonathan and Jordin: They were the most natural in this shoot, just hanging out and partying, looking like they were having a grand ol’ time. She looked totally fabulous and their final shot was the best of the bunch.
  • Salome and Mountaha: They turned out a good shot, looking like floozies on Mad Men, which was totally the point. Mountaha looked the most like Twiggy and really drew my eye in the shot, but Salome looked like she wasn’t posing at all, and ended up capturing a moment where her eyes were half-closed in a laugh that was pretty magical.
  • Braden and Sandhurst: The photo they turned out was fine, but Rebecca Weinberg’s styling for them did not fit the 60s theme of the shoot at all. They looked like two dudes posing for a Men’s Warehouse catalog, and that was certainly not the intent. I just don’t understand the editorial decisions that went into this shot at all, even if both men were good in it.
  • Kerryn and Colin: For two people with a lot of sexual chemistry with one another, this shoot was a complete dud. First of all, the makeup artist didn’t put nearly enough makeup on Kerryn, making her look blank and completely expressionless. Secondly, while Colin tried to deliver during his shoot, Kerryn never got comfortable or close enough to him to make the shot work. Eventually, they ended up doing a dancefloor shot with him in the air. It turned out better than I thought it would, despite Colin’s extreme toothiness in the eventual photo.
  • Laury and Amanda: I had another styling issue with the dress Laury was in, which didn’t look 60s at all. It was more like something you’d see a little girl wear now. Amanda, on the other hand, looked like a recording artist from that era, in her amazing black fringed dress and her very, very large bouffant hairdo. She looked gorgeous, and totally stole the final shot from Laury. Their whole pairing actually made me think of Hairspray, like Amanda was standing up for her black friend and protecting her in a largely white club.


Cory Bautista awarded Salome with the win, and she rightly chose her partner Mountaha to go with her to a go-see for Elie Tahari. Mountaha was disappointed that she didn’t win, citing the fact that she really deserves the credit for that shot because, “I spent, like a half hour before the shoot explaining to [Salome] what the 60s were about.” Neither girl ended up booking the job. Salome had the right look, but was too green for a polished show, while Mountaha looked too edgy. On the other hand, Jordan went that night to the job she booked as a showroom model for People’s Revolution and totally impressed stylist Masha Orlov, who loved Jordan’s ability to be a likeable clotheshanger.

Sexy, sexy likeable clotheshangers, that is.

Sexy, sexy likeable clotheshangers, that is.

This week’s Catwalk Challenge asked the models to participate in an avant-garde fashion show for the House of Diehl, a group of designers that prepare runway-ready outfits from found materials in under four minutes. I’m totally fascinated by this “design wars” concept and I think it was a great addition to an episode framed by Warhol’s factory parties. It reminds me of the sort of impromptu drag shows featured in Paris Is Burning, combined with site-specific performance art. I can’t even truly describe some of the things the models had to wear, but I can tell you that Amanda lucked out with the most amazing and couture-like dress made from God knows what, while Laury was covered in garbage bags and Sandhurst was outfitted in a magician’s costume made out of blankets. Actually, that outfit combined with his super crazy runway walk made him look like he was playing Caliban in some super low-rent production of The Tempest. Colin, on the other hand, was dressed like a combination of Shredder, the Dalai Lama and an inmate in California’s prison system. And it was kind of sexy. What a fucking zany runway show. Zany, I tell you!

Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?

Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?


Sandhurst, Salome, Jordan, Kerryn, Colin, Amanda and Laury were called forward as the best and worst of the week. Salome was awarded the win and given immunity because of her very professional runway stance in a dress made out of coffee filters (à la Kit Pistol), and Kerryn and Laury were sent home. It was a bad week for names with “y”s in them, and while Kerryn went out tearfully (because now she can’t molest Colin anymore), Laury got a stank-bitch attitude and refused to hug Salome when the little Mennonite girl tried to give her a goodbye squeeze. She then told Salome that she thinks she’s two-faced and fake, saying things about people behind their backs or some other completely paranoid bullshit. I mean, Salome says some weird shit sometimes, but it’s mostly just self-deprecating. I mean, she did call Jordan a bitch behind her back on the way home from the go-see because Jordan had booked a job, but that was meant playfully and there’s no way Laury could have known about that. Salome is weird, and she doesn’t know who Twiggy is, but that doesn’t mean she’s fake or two-faced. It mostly just means she isn’t culturally aware. It also means she doesn’t deserve at all of your stank-bitch ire. Have fun not getting jobs because of your stank-bitch attitude, Laury! Maybe you can do porn like the stank-bitch who was eliminated on Top Model this week. Or you can be friends with another stank-bitch reality contestant, Lil Rounds. Either way, have fun!

I call this collage "StankBitchFace"

I call this collage "StankBitchFace"

The Wife:

In what I’d like to believe is a very interesting commentary on the US Military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, the models were asked to have a very sexy “Ménage À Model” aboard the battleship USS New Jersey, dressed as military personnel secreting themselves away for some naughty, sexy fun times with their other officers. This is exactly how I believe the military operates, if I ignore my parents’ service records and the ongoing war and just pretend in a romanticized version of the military culled from various porn and 1940s musicals starring Gene Kelly. This was a super, super hot photoshoot, and I think the models knew it, too. Especially Kerryn, who continued lusting after virginal Colin when he dressed up like the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B. Don’t even worry, Kerryn. I would totally be all over Colin in that outfit. I would basically be all over all of these models, actually:

  • Mountaha, Gabriel and Sandhurst posed together as a very gropy trio of sailors. Sometimes, it was a Mountaha sandwich, sometimes a Sandhurst sandwich . . . whoa . . . someone should totally create a sandwich called the Sandhurst. I don’t know what would be on it, but it sounds very regal. The main issue with this shoot was Gabriel, as usual, being a pouty doucheface and Sandhurst getting a little too gropey on Mountaha.
  • Jordan, Amanda and Branden were grouped together for a voyeuristic sailor shot, where the two girls who hate each other most in the house had to lez it up while Branden posed off to the side as Billy Budd having a strange mastrubatory fantasy.
  • Bugle Boy Colin posed with Laury and Salome in old school Army uniforms, having a saucy makeout session. Colin was really hot in this picture. Like, really hot.
  • Jonathan and Kerryn got stuck with CJ, who, while she’s allegedly bisexual, showed absolutely no interest in making fake love to either of her scene partners for this photo. Kerryn went to a Christian modeling school (whatever the fuck that is) and she managed to pretend to have a libido in this shot, so I would expect CJ to up her game a little bit, but no. Thank God Jonathan’s chiseled abs completely distracted me from her presence; otherwise she would have brought the whole photo down.
Oh, sailor, why'd you do it?

Oh, sailor, why'd you do it?


Jonathan was awarded the winning photo and given a go-see at 2(x)ist, a brand of underwear that I am told is only worn by gay men. And boy howdy did the gentlemen of 2(x)ist adore Jonathan:

“Jonathan was amazing. I was a little nervous. My palms were sweaty.” – 2(x)ist representative


They did not, on the other hand, enjoy Jonathan’s friend Gabriel quite as much. Even though Gabriel truly loves underwear and spends most of his time in the house wearing nothing but, the folks at 2(x)ist were not as impressed with Gabriel. They were especially not impressed that he left his dirty drawers behind, a fact they asked Jonathan to express to Gabriel when they later called to inform the Suffolk plumber that he had just become the face of their new campaign.

That’s right: Jonathan booked a national ad campaign. Proof positive that this show actually gives more of a shit about how modeling works and produces real, working high fashion and commercial models. Maybe after ANTM has its short girls season, it can do a season for male models?

Cory dropped by this week to check up on everyone’s measurements, and poor Salome was deemed too fat by one whole inch to work with NY Model Management. Poor Salome. I’m sure Mennonites know nothing about nutrition, which would explain her aversion to eating “rabbit food.” As a vegetarian, I can’t tell you how much I hate when people refer to eating vegetables as “rabbit food” as though ingesting them somehow makes you less human. That phrase needs to be looked at in an entirely different light, as in, “It’s generally good for you to eat things rabbits eat. And a rabbit would damn sure not eat a Hot Pocket.”

In keeping with the theme of supreme sexiness, the Catwalk Challenge from “Ménage À Model” asked the models to walk in a gender-bending fashion show with designs from Commes de Garcon and Marc Jacobs’ Men in Dresses campaign and some chic YSL skinny suits for the ladies. Gabriel and CJ were, as always, nothing but dour on the runway, and although I liked CJ’s outfit best out of all the girls, she mentioned that she really doesn’t like being looked at, which made me yell at her through my television set and proclaim that if she isn’t into being looked at, she is definitely in the wrong business.

It's like she stole my whole Vesper Lynd look, but isn't nearly as happy about it.

It's like she stole my whole Vesper Lynd look, but isn't nearly as happy about it.

The judges called for CJ, Sandhurst, Jonathan, Gabriel, Kerryn and Mountaha as their Best and Worst of the evening. Kerryn was declared the winner and CJ finally got the boot, leaving only one exceptionally dour person to ruin everything for everyone.

This week, the models were asked to “Take a Deep Breath” and pose underwater for photographer Howard Schatz, a task apparently designed to torture poor Mennonite Salome, who opened this episode with one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard:


“Oh no! I can’t swim! Or I don’t know how to breathe underwater!”


Well, yeah, girl, swimming is generally a combination of “breathing underwater” and moving, so if you can’t do either of those things, you’re pretty fucked. I don’t know much about Mennonites, but was swimming in the watering hole really not allowed when Salome was a kid? As someone who has lived on the Pacific Coast for her entire life (and soon will live on the Puget Sound), I can’t imagine intentionally living in a place that does not have an immediate source of water. That strikes me as biologically insane. Maybe its because my father was a sailor and, though he never wanted to take to the sea again after I was born (to this day, my mother has to beg him to go on cruises with her), it was imperative for him to live in a place where he could easily see that water was around him, but I just can’t understand living in a place that isn’t only a short distance from an ocean, lake or river. As such, I am exceptionally baffled by most of the American Southwest. So for a grown person to not know how to swim strikes me as extremely, extremely odd. I just cannot wrap my brain around it, but I guess that’s what I get growing up a sailor’s daughter on the California Coast.

Like a fish out of water . . . or a fish who doesn't normally beathe water being in water.

Like a fish out of water . . . or a fish who doesn't normally beathe water being in water.

Howard was, however, exceptionally patient with Salome, and bless her little heart, she did a great job of acting like she wasn’t scared to death of drowning. Howard taught everyone a trick to increase their lung capacity so they could stay underwater for longer periods of time (a trick I admittedly do not know, even though I used to be a pretty strong swimmer), and he let Salome practice extra long while the others did their shots until she felt comfortable. Even when, during her shoot, she couldn’t figure out how to get her head back up to the surface, Howard admonished his crew for not coming to her aid quickly enough, and told her he could still get a good shot with her one hand out of the water, holding on to a bar, or with a crew member holding her foot so he could propel her to the surface when she felt she needed to breathe again. But Salome refused the bar because she wanted to do the shot right, and I applaud her for that. She didn’t let her fear hold her back, and she managed to produce a very pretty shot. Bravo, Salome. I am much more proud of you than Nicole Trufino is pretending to be.

As for other shots, Gabriel thought he did excellently, but Howard felt like Gabe had nothing going on in his head brain, Amanda struggled to not show a whole bunch of her vagine in her photo and Branden got really, really cocksure:


“He said all I had to do is look pretty. That’s what I do best, bitch!”

Jordan was awarded the win and sent on a go-see at People’s Revolution, to which she brought Salome, saying that the girl deserved a prize after her hardship at the shoot today. Salome joked that it was in Jordan’s best interest to bring “the fat girl” with her so she would book the job for sure. And, lo, that came to pass. Despite Jordan’s grotesquely large hips, she fit right into the samples and the folks at People’s Revolution liked her better, finding Salome to be a little too full-figured for their taste. Oh, girl, if you are full figured, then what does that make ANTM Cycle 10 winner Whitney Thompson? And even then, we all know the “plus size” girls on ANTM are not actually plus size. Fashion industry! Stop with your ridiculous standards!

Jordan's winning shot really is the most beautiful of the bunch.

Jordan's winning shot really is the most beautiful of the bunch.

After the shoot and go-see, everyone took some time at the house to party down and play beer pong. Jonathan bounced a ping pong ball off of Laury’s vagine, which was totally awesome, and the Amanda and Gabriel flirtation found a new way to be annoying as they descending from wasting delicious Blue Moon beer by pouring it on one another’s faces to getting in a tiff after he hit her on the head and teased her about being stupid (specifically, not having a brain in her head, thus producing a hollow sound). Amanda decided she wasn’t going to talk to him anymore, which I think should have been fine with everyone, who should have noticed in his dismal photoshoot that he would be leaving them after the catwalk.

Because of the water in the photoshoot, Nicole Trufino announced that the Catwalk Challenge would also be elemental, with the girls dressed as fire and the boys dressed as ice. Ice, by the way, is not actually an element. It’s kind of just frozen water. Why not have them be metal or earth? Or, if we’re using the Captain Planet system of naming elements, heart? I would have been much more amused by Gabriel’s performance had he been forced to wear a monkey on his shoulder. Before they all changed into their designs by Dolce and Gabbana and Alexander McQueen, runway coach David Ralph helped everyone perfect their walk. Most notably, Colin was told he should walk like a string was drawing his belt buckle forward. In other words, he had to learn to walk with his cock. This is good on the runway, but when you see someone walk with their cock in real life, it’s actually quite odd. I knew a guy in high school that did that. It was weird.

But I wanted to post Jonathan's, too, because he was the only person who got an upside down shot and it's really, really cool.

But I wanted to post Jonathan's, too, because he was the only person who got an upside down shot and it's really, really cool.

Branden, Sandhurst, Mountaha, Salome, Jordan, Gabriel and Laury were chosen as this week’s Best and Worst. Branden was called out for his cockiness by both David Ralph and Perou. Man, you know it’s bad when a first rate douchebag like Perou is calling you cocky. Salome was told that she’s girlfriend attractive, but not model attractive, because she’s curvy. Perou liked her sexy walk because he’s a man and men like sexy walks, but not because it was good for a model. She was, however, saved because she survived the water torture they put her through earlier. Ultimately, Gabriel was ousted because he just can’t get that damn sour look off his face and Sandhurst, who is consistently pretty awesome, was given the win.

I really like Salome, and I hope she doesn’t lose too much of what makes her sexy by conforming stringently to what NY Model Management wants her to be. Even if she doesn’t win this show, I am certain that another agency will take her because she takes such strong pictures. She might just turn out to be a more editorial girl than a runway girl, and that’s really not a bad career to have.

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