The Husband:

I think the New York Times said it better than I ever could. (That’s why they’re the New York Times and I’m not.)


“It’s possible that American Idol viewers’ selection of Kris Allen over Adam Lambert says something about the mood and mores of the country, that viewers are too conformist to anoint a sassy, androgynous individualist. Then again, maybe not: Mr. Allen’s victory may merely reflect the voters’ conventional taste in pop music…Mr. Allen never fell out of character as the humble, earnest country boy from Arkansas.”


Oh, and besides Jordin Sparks (who is still from a Red State in the West), every single Idol winner has been from the South. It’s a hard trend to beak.

I don’t hate Kris Allen. If you’ve been following the show along with us, you know that I grew to love him. But I can’t say that I wasn’t disappointed at the outcome. But the above quote shows that there were a lot of reasons Kris won, and some are more valid than others.

A formidble set of opponents.

A formidble set of opponents.

Personally, I think it comes down to more how Adam lost than Kris won. At the beginning of the Top 12/13, I don’t think anyone thought Kris would ever beat Adam, so here are a few items of interest.

Adam became too safe of a choice:

Yes, the wildly flamboyant and sexual Adam was actually too safe of a choice, the complete opposite of what a lot of people may cry about today, that America was being homophobic. (I think that while some Kris voting may be due to this very thing, it will turn out to be a minor blip on the bigger scale.) The bigger problem, and this was way more subconscious, is that everybody assumed Adam was going to win. Simon went on Ellen and said so. Entertainment Weekly did a friggin’ cover story on him most of the way through the competition. The judges kept on praising him until it felt like the end was preordained. Everybody said the same thing. And Adam, well, he did stop surprising us right around disco week. He was consistently passionate and bombastic, a competent performer. And he was humble about it. But after a while we could already imagine the song before he sang it. Which is a great trait, but not for the attention-craving America. America wants to reward the underdog, to keep things interesting, and Adam stopped being dangerous. He stopped reaching for the “holy shit” factor.

Adam was not Danny:

Last week, we already saw that Adam had lost his considerable lead over the rest of the competition when we were told that only one million votes separated first place and second place, while the remainder was lost on a losing Danny Gokey. But where did Danny’s votes go this week? They went to the other good ol’ American boy, Kris. And that pulled Kris ahead. If we’re going by DialIdol, Kris did not beat Adam by very much, so I’m surprised that some of Danny’s votes may have actually worked their way into Adam’s number — perhaps those who liked Danny for his voice and didn’t give a shit about his story or spirituality, but at the same time were originally afraid to vote for Adam — but I’m willing to bet that the majority of them went to Kris or disappeared outright. Kris was more Danny than Adam could ever be, whatever that may mean to you.

Adam strutted too much:

Yes, I actually believe that if Adam had performed “Mad World” like he did originally, sitting down and letting the music and his spoke speak for themselves, instead of descending a staircase into way too much fake fog, he could have won. He definitely could have gotten Simon to agree that he won all three rounds on Tuesday instead of merely two, but he had to indulge in his theatricality. Which is fine. But I think it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, just like he got into the Bottom Two for performing “Feeling Good” in roughly the same way. But this is saying that his performance tactics are bad. No, they’re not. They’re fucking great. But not everybody is like me, and, for some indiscernible reason, there will still be millions of people out there who outright hate musicals and drama. (Then why are they watching television? I’ll never understand it.)

But let’s get down to the bottom of this: Adam is a much better singer than Kris will ever be. You know this to be true. He was damn near perfect. Oh, and that scream you Adam haters consistently complain about like a broken record? That is a perfect rock wail, a glorious sound you can find in all of the best rock ‘n roll music for the last 50 years. A release of sheer force, emotion and performance. All your complaints really tell me is that you don’t listen to rock music, and you wouldn’t know a good rock singer if it kicked you in the nuts and spit whiskey and glitter in your eye.

But Kris is good, and he’ll make a good album for 19 Entertainment. As I said, “his is the face that launched a thousand glittery posters taped to a teenage girl’s walls and ceiling, right next to her dolphin art.” He has a long career ahead of him.

And not to sound like I’m justifying a loss or acting like the battered wife/husband, but Adam losing might be the best thing to happen to him. As I was fine with the competition going either way (with me, of course, leaning toward an Adam win), I considered Adam’s future, and while he is still to cut an album for 19 Entertainment, he will be free of much of the Idol machine that tends to crush people. He has a better chance of making the album that he wants to make (for one, without Kara’s crappy song), he can more easily pursue acting on stage and screen if that is what he so chooses, and he can be a music star and not have to live up to or live down the label of being an American Idol, a label that often turns a lot of people off in the actual real world. And yes, I think if they make a movie version of Wicked, they’d be insane not to cast him as Fiyero. Some have said he would overdo the role. 1.) From the clips of him understudying as Fiyero, he does it just fine, thank you. 2.) If he does overdo it, it’ll definitely help define a horribly underwritten character in an overrated musical. He could potentially save the entire second half of the story.

I think that’s about it. What other stuff can I say to wrap this up?

Had Allison been in the Top 3 instead of Danny, perhaps Adam may have had a chance to grab her votes and win in the finale had she been voted out. The number of votes that would have gone to her despite her losing would have been far greater than her Top 4 votes, which in turn got Danny out in the actual Top 3.

I think Kara is a great judge and should stick around. She is the only one besides Simon who gives actual friggin’ advice to the contestants, advice that is mostly useful, instead of just being judgmental. She knows what she’s talking about, and I don’t know how that strikes most of you out there as “annoying.”

This is without much hindsight, but I think the finale was definitely one of the best they’ve ever had. And yes, they have done awards in the past. If you thought this was new, either you haven’t watched the show for too long, or you’re an idiot. But I will leave most of the finale talk to my wife. But I do have something to say to the Black Eyed Peas. If you guys really have that “future sound” and are “so 3008,” then why does your #1 hit single sound like techno music from 15 years ago?

I am, above all else, extremely grateful that the top two contestants were exciting, interesting, evocative and [mostly] original. It’s tough to get that on Idol, so despite my misgivings with the results, glad that this show can still surprise me. This was one of the best top 12/13s in the show’s history, with far more talented individuals holding on and only a few non-talented ones eking by. It’s nice to be able to pick on a singer for subtleties instead of just simply declaring that they’re bad, and sparking discussion, even on a show as cookie-cutter as this, is never bad.

And now, it’s time for So You Think You Can Dance, which is, in a lot of ways, a better overall show than American Idol. But if FOX’s decision to also create a fall version of the show right after this summer season ends up overplaying and killing the entire program, I’m going to be pissed.

The Wife:

I’m going to summarize my feelings about Adam Lambert’s strange un-victory per a text message I sent to my friend Magen last night after she had long since gone to bed over in DC:


“Fsdfhsdfgsdfshvgyugsdufh! I die. That outfit was bananas! I was clearly not mature enough to handle that fantasy duet between Adam and KISS because all I did was squee and figdet and wonder where the hell those epaulettes and those fucking boots came from. This was a great finale. KISS. Queen. Allison and Cyndi lauper. Amazing. Even though Adam didn’t win, I cannot wait to buy tickets on his first tour. He is now free to make the gayest, rockingest record ever, and no one will stop him. Glambert saved. Stevecrest out.”


As my husband mentioned above, I think Adam is better off without the Idol win, although I’d have liked him to have it because, well, I love him. He and Kris will both sell records and will both have long careers, and I can have no ill-will toward someone like Kris who is so humble that he conceded to America that he thought his competitor deserved the win more than he did. Both men are winners in my book, really. So now, let me talk about how thoroughly pleased I was with the finale, despite an outcome that didn’t actually go my way.

Idol Awards

First of all, I came late into the Idol game, having only watched since season 6, so the Idol awards were odd to me, but I actually found them pretty enjoyable over all. I never thought I’d be so happy to see Norman Gentle aka Nick Mitchell, and while I hated the idea of him being on Idol, he is funny. And weird. And I’d definitely see his cabaret show, so I’m glad to be reminded of why he’s likeable. I was not happy to see Bikini Girl, especially because she’s so tan now that she looks like she’s been living in South Florida since she was 22 and is now 60. Someone needs to give her the message that pale is the new tan . . . and someone kind of did, actually. Kara. Although I’m bothered by Kara’s pop culture solipcisms, I like her as a judge, and now I like her even more as a singer. Bikini Girl cannot sing at all by comparison and I now know that Kara also looks better in a bikini than bikini girl. She has some damn hard abs, that Kara DioGuardi. I would not be surprised if Bikini Girl has either tried to kill herself or developed an eating disorder after being upstaged by a woman in her 30s who sings better and has a nicer body than she does. As for Tatiana Del Toro . . . I do not know if that was real or not and I don’t care because watching security guards chase that crazy bitch around the stage was funny as hell!

I mean, really, Bikini Girl got nothing on this.

I mean, really, Bikini Girl got nothing on this.

Fantasy Duets!

  • I love that Allison Iraheta got to sing one of my favorite songs ever, “Time After Time,” with Cyndi Lauper. I also love that Cyndi plays the dulcimer. She just gets more amazing every damn day.
  • Kris Allen and Keith Urban are very similar in that they both have scruffy facial hair, play guitar, have a country twang and have blonde wives. I liked this duet because it proved that Kris Allen can easily transition into a country-rock artist if he ever wanted to.
  • Kris + Adam + Surviving Members of Queen = truly spectacular way to end the show. This is the point where I kind of stopped caring which one of them won because I saw that they had such an amazing camraderie while singing “We Are the Champions.” It was clear to me that these guys were having the fucking time of their lives, and that’s exactly what I want to see on Idol. Plus, I enjoyed watching Adam touch the guitarist several times during the performance, as though he couldn’t believe he was singing with fucking Queen. That’s probably what I would have done if I were singing with Cyndi Lauper.
  • But, of course, there was no greater fantasy duet (although, really, not a duet) than Adam Lambert in his King Henry VIII-from-Space outfit with the blinged out epaulettes and the giant gold platform boots he clearly borrowed from Gene Simmons’ closet singing with KISS. Magen was right; I straight up died. I mean, this performance was just the cat’s fucking pajamas for me. I had to cover half my face with a blanket because I was so excited that it was incredibly difficult to not ruin the whole performance with squeals of joy. I don’t even like KISS all that much, but Adam singing with KISS I FUCKING ADORED. I mean, this was a perfect moment for him and he performed the hell out of it, as he does with everything. If I had to pick a favorite moment from this performance, though, it would be when he delicately raised his eyebrow in innuendo when he sang the line “Me and the boys will be playing all night.” Oh, I know, honey. And I wouldn’t have you any other way.
Other performances:
  • At first, I hated the fact that the whole American Idol gang was going to sing Pink’s “So What?” as I adore Pink and never want to hear her stuff sung by anyone else, but I think this was one group number that worked really well. It had a ton of energy and everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun.
  • I do not dislike Megan Joy, but she was kind of very not good in her duet with Michael Sarver over Steve Martin’s banjo music. Moreover, while I’m sure Steve was happy to be there, I don’t think he was happy to hear “Pretty Flowers” sung the way those two completely oversang it. My fantasy duet for that song? Dolly Parton and Anoop Desai.
  • Speaking of Anoop, I loved that he and Alexis Grace got to do Jason Mraz right by singing the intro solos to “I’m Yours.” That said, this group performance of the song with Mraz was way better than when one third of the Top 36 tried to sing it back when there was a Top 36.
  • Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah? Strangely disappointing. Although I should note that during this number, I sang a bit of “When You’re Good to Mama” from Chicago to my cat. And I changed the words to be about my cat. That’s how uninteresting this number was.
  • The minute Fergie came on, I screamed, “SING ‘BE ITALIAN’!” because she’s playing Sereghina the Whore in Rob Marshall’s adaptation of Nine and I all kinds of love her super minor-keyed version of a song that, in the stage show, is very bright and somehow not about molestation at all. Here’s the Nine trailer, so you can hear it and be just as excited as I am:
  • But once the Black Eyed Peas came on, I became very frightened of their strange cybertronic zebra dancers. Why were they putting their feet in will.i.am’s crotch? Not okay! (I bet that was choreographed by Shane Sparks, though.)
Fashion notes!
  • I’ve already talked about Adam’s KISS outfit, but in case you didn’t catch it, I fucking loved it. I die. I channel Rachel Zoe and I die.
  • Alexis Grace got to wear two pairs of very sexy over-the-knee boots. She is one hot mama.
  • Another hot mama? Adam Lambert’s mom, who gets a million extra cuteness points for wearing armwarmers!
  • I was very embarassed for Megan Joy’s pink hot shorts during “Glamorous.”
  • Oh, Lil Rounds. No one knows how to dress you. That top with the strange leaf-like skirt just accentuated your huge booty, and not in a good way. I do not understand why everyone is just a step away from making you into Josephine Baker, as you’ll never, ever be as good of a performer as she was.
  • Allison looked amazing tonight. Staight up.
  • I like that Anoop went for a seersucker jacket as if to say, “I’m from the South and you will all deal with my desire to drink sweet tea from a mason jar, bitches! Get me a fucking mint julep!”
  • Janice Dickinson was totally trashed throughout this whole show, or at least she looked that way.
  • I want my legs to be as shiny and toned as Fergie’s.
  • Matt Giraud looked his best during his Santana number. I think Abuelito shirts are really a good look for him, and they work with his obsession with cubano fedoras.
  • It was very bold of Rod Stewart to pair the Coach leather that is his skin with that faux Burbury jacket.
All of that stuff ads up to a wonderful two hours of television. I’ve been saying it all season, but I’ll reiterate: I can’t wait to see Adam Lambert on Broadway someday. If Constantine Maroulis can get nominated for a Tony for Rock of Ages (and let me say that I saw him in Rent pre-Idol, and while I thought he was the most Roger-looking Roger I’ve ever seen, he certainly wasn’t the best), surely Adam Lambert will one day win one. I will see him in anything. I will follow his ass around the country like my mother-in-law does with Clay Aiken because while he may not be the American Idol, he is my American Idol.


The Husband:

Lil gone: Yay.

Anoop gone: Boo.

Matt still around: Meh.

Adam: Unsurprisingly spectacular.

Gokey: Unsurprisingly middle-of-the-road.

Allison: Still underrated.

Kris: Still not somebody I really want to listen to.

Disco Week: Surprisingly not awful.

Jillian Reynolds as host of American Idol Extra: Horrible and ignorant of anything related to music.

VoteForTheWorst: Failed their central mission thrice this season. Husband rejoices.

DialIdol: Kind of flailing in a season where the votes between contestants are far too close to make proper predictions.

Kara: Knows what she’s talking about.

People who hate Kara: Don’t know what they’re talking about.

Paula talking about Kris shopping in the women’s section as a metaphor about performing songs popularized by women: Completely understandable.

Simon not understanding the metaphor: Disappointing.

Next week’s theme: Rat Pack.

How it fuckin’ better be: Awesome.

What I’m doing right now: Watching this week’s Hell’s Kitchen. Desiring coffee.

What I’m doing tonight: Seeing David Sedaris.

How that’s going to be: Awesome.

Genocide: Bad.

Flowers: Good.

What David Sedaris has to do with genocide and flowers: Nothing.

What Paula Abdul has to do with genocide and flowers: ……..everything………

The Husband:

The Judges’ Save had to be used this week. Pretty much guaranteed. Had it waited until next week, they would have been forced to use it just to prove that it wasn’t a worthless threat. Not only that, then they would have had to save somebody from Disco Week, which will in my foresight probably be kryptonite to at least half of the contestants. (All 3.5 of them.)

Here, it was to save a rather talented performer, one who has continued to surprise, going for a very bad song selection. And as a result, I must now reintroduce the Children Of Saint Clare Kibosh on both the Bryan Adams songs used this week. Sorry “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” from Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves. It’s just too easy of a choice, and even delivering a rather heartfelt and unique rendition of it, as Anoop did this week, could still get your ass in the bottom three. And, of course, the craptacular “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco also gets the COSC Kibosh, as it’s a piece of shit that was somehow nominated for an Oscar, and even somebody like Chris Daughtry back in s5 (you know, the guy who proved that ending up in fourth place can still make you a megastar) couldn’t do a good job no matter how hard they tried.

Thank you for not sending me back to that dueling piano bar where I work!

Thank you for not sending me back to that dueling piano bar where I work!

(I pointed out to my wife that the song from Don Juan DeMarco was so bad, it lost the Best Original Song Oscar to Pocahontas’ “Colors of the Wind,” but I had forgotten that, in the same year, Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got A Friend” and Bruce Springsteen’s “Dead Man Walking” were also in contention, and either would have been superior choices for the award. But why Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Eddie Vedder’s better Dead Man Walking song, “The Face of Love,” wasn’t nominated in Springsteen’s place is a reason I really hate the Oscar category some of the time. It’s all political, bitches.)

This COSC Kibosh, however, does not completely eliminate Bryan Adams from the competition. I still think “Heaven” and “Summer of ‘69” could be worthy additions to the Idol repertoire (or has “Heaven” already been done once?), as they are better and less sappy songs.

As for the rest of the folks, Kris Allen made the smartest decision to go with “Falling Slowly” from Once, a glorious song well-suited to his talents. (I’ll let my wife talk about the ‘net’s reaction to choosing this song.) But, honestly, you know who could have done it better? I hate to say it, but Danny Gokey. He would have nailed it. But, as usual, Gokey is a lazy song selector, and no matter how well he may croon a Lionel Ritchie schmaltz fest, his laziness will always bother me. And yes, I do think it matters, because that means if he wins Idol and makes the 19 Entertainment record, he won’t have any discerning tastes and will end up with a piece of shit album. This stuff matters, people.

His mind's made up.

His mind's made up.

I actually have to give Lil Rounds some credit for reaching into the Bette Midler handbag and pulling out the gorgeous “The Rose,” because it told me that she was finally thinking outside the box. Maybe she wasn’t as lazy of a song selector as, say, Lakisha back in s6. But she couldn’t figure out how to transfer it to her own skills despite a half-assed attempt at “churching” it up. And her post-critique attitude was completely uncalled for, as she has seemed to completely misunderstood the difference between musician and artist that Simon brought up last week. Lil, he wasn’t telling you to pick a different kind of song; he was telling you to be your own performer no matter what the song, instead of a well-voiced karaoke performer. Don’t get mad at him because you fucked up. You can pick any song in the world, but if you’re not making an individual impression and creating your own persona, you’re nothing.

As for this week’s decision to split up the judges’ panel into two groups of two, and yet still managed to run over into Fringe, I think it was an okay idea executed poorly. But me? I have a solution. It’s called A COUNTDOWN CLOCK! Give each judge a gigantic red sign that counts down from, say, 25 seconds to zero, and when it hits that big “0,” shut your mouth. Secondly, tell Paula and Simon to stop interrupting each other, because not only is it a waste of time, it’s disrespectful to the contestants. Both are equally guilty of this crime. Third, tell the judges to ignore the audience. No matter how loud they may get, we can still hear every word the judges say on the microphones, because they are DIRECTIONAL MICROPHONES. The sound of their voice is what’s being picked up the highest, because it’s right in front of their fucking mouths. If the crowd stars booing, don’t hesitate, don’t talk back and don’t worry. They’re just people who waited in line for six hours in the crappy Los Angeles sun and have zero clue what they’re talking about.

Except for the Observer. He knows what’s up.

And yes, the song choices were mostly kind of balls across the board. I know that Idol only has a short list of what songs can actually be selected, but these are a few songs, for example, that would have been better. And these are just the songs that won Oscars. This isn’t even counting the many worthy nominations in the category in years past. (Shit, like 1999’s “When She Loved Me” from Toy Story II or Aimee Mann’s “Save Me” from Magnolia, which both lost to [shudder] Phil Collins.)

(Thanks be to Wikipedia for this list.)

  • “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” (Lil could have turned into a jazz queen with this)
  • “Flashdance…What a Feeling” (you know, the good song from that movie)
  • “I’m Easy” (even Megan Joy could have done well with this had she been around)
  • “Into The West” (I actually would have loved to see Gokey go against type and do this Annie Lennox song. It would have been made of actual emotion and not just whatever it is that he gives us every week)
  • “Streets Of Philadelphia” (Giraud would have done this justice)
  • “Take My Breath Away” (Allison did a good job with Aerosmith, but imagine if she pulled off this Berlin song with her trademark roughness. It would have brought down the house.)

Okay, I know I’m going to hell for this, but I would have loved to have seen Anoop just completely fuck with everybody’s mind if he dressed up like Aladdin, full wardrobe, and did “One Jump Ahead” with full choreography and blocking, and the Ricky Minor band could have done the ensemble work, like have the trumpeters yell “Scoundrel!” and “Take that!”

The Wife:

But how could Anoop get an Aladdin outfit when he was too busy doing the ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO and donning an honest-to-God letterman’s jacket? Okay, it was the bastard love child of a letterman’s jacket and a blazer, but still, that was the one collegiate look I asked him not to do, and he ignored me. And you know what it did? It got him in the bottom three. (Look, I realize it was mostly the song that did that, but I’m going to pretend it was also the jacket. Because it was a shitty song, but he sang it well. Thus, I think America voted nay on the over-the-top jacket.)

Everything I do, I do it so you won't wear this damn jacket again!

Everything I do, I do it so you won't wear this damn jacket again!

I’m running out of things to say about this show, fashion-wise, as the contest is a sausage fest and the guys have definitely got their signature looks figured out. Lil still desperately needs Tim Gunn’s help, going from another strange black vest concoction on performance night to a lime green shirtdress made out of the worst polyester in the world on elimination night. She got longer extensions this week, which made me realize that she’s a lot prettier with shorter hair and that she probably should have kept it short for the whole competition. I’m afraid someone told her that she wasn’t getting America’s votes because she didn’t look feminine enough, or something, but that advice has lead her down a long, dark path of hair extensions cast-off from Tyra’s modelettes. Let me remind her that Fantasia had a super butch haircut back in Season 3 . . . and that lady won.

I wasn’t fond of Allison’s performance garb, especially the twice-tucked corner of her black shirtdress, but it was way cuter than the rainbow-sherbert concoction she decided to wear for eliminations. Allison, honey, I know you’re 16, but you are on national television. You are not going bowling with your friends; you have to look like the rock star we know you are. Please don’t disappoint me again.

And on a couple of non-fashion related notes, I wish Adam Lambert hadn’t chosen “Born to Be Wild,” but what he did to it totally reminds me of his performances at The Zodiac Show. Like this one:

(Yes, I have been stalking him on YouTube!)

But I am super-duper glad Kris Allen chose “Falling Slowly” from Once, the most amazing little Oscar-winning musical movie ever! I am a Kara defender, but I wanted to punch ladyface in the teeth when she dubbed the song “obscure.” As my husband mentioned above (and I just did, too), it won an Oscar very recently. People may not have seen Once, but they have encountered the song. And I cannot be happier that the Internet exploded yesterday with searches for the movie, the song and the lyrics — all because of Kris Allen. So, perhaps Kara was right, and its obscure for Idol‘s audience. But it won’t remain obscure much longer.

I couldn’t find the scene from the film in which that song appears on the YouTube, but here’s Fox Searchlight’s official music video thing of the song and clips from the film:

And here’s another song from the film, that I totally love called “When Your Mind’s Made Up:”

Featuring one song from Once on Idol’s approved song list almost made up for two shitty Bryan Adams songs, and I can only be thankful that Idol and Kris Allen brought more people to this lovely little indie film.

The Husband:

I don’t really have a whole lot to say this week. The performances on Tuesday were a mixed bag, with selections ranging from smart and dead-on (Adam, Allison) to stupid and dumbshit esoteric (Scott and Kris), and things went pretty much as I expected. Scott, despite his big heart and his borderline transcendence of the competition when in front of a piano, picked a virtually unknown-to-my-generation song by Survivor (who are only known for “Eye of the Tiger” and nothing else) and was, as predicted by me in my head, the lowest vote getter. The other two members of the bottom three included one that absolutely deserved to be there (Lil, who finally got bitched out by the judges for the exact same reasons I’ve been writing on this hyah blog) and one who didn’t (Anoop, whose rendition of “True Colors” made him sound like Kenneth Brian “Babyface” Edmonds circa 1995, which is not a bad thing). Switch out Kris with Anoop and you have the perfect bottom three.

For the record, it really freaks me out that Allison was born in 1992.

For the record, it really freaks me out that Allison was born in 1992.

So what’s been going on with Lil? Well, she’s been suffering from what I call Ramiele Syndrome, where a female artist impresses like crazy during the semifinals and seems set for complete glory, but upon getting into the Top 12 gets so nervous about show themes and control that she loses all semblance of individuality and begins to make lazy song choices and poor singing decisions. I supposed you could also name this syndrome after Mandisa or Jessica Sierra (without mentioned her stint on Celebrity Rehab) or Camile Velasco (man, what a fall) – or after any person you subjectively feel failed to live up to their promise – but it’s gotten to the point where I just want her gone. She is the karaoke queen of the competition, a nice voice but nothing else.

And no, there is no controversy regarding Adam Lambert’s choice to do Gary Jules’ version of “Mad World” instead of the 1982 Tears For Fears version, because that’s entirely in the rules, and nobody gave him false praise for doing a “unique version.” Danny Gokey is on slightly rockier waters for choosing a song that had a cover released in his birth year, even though the song itself, “Stand By Me,” was released in 1961, but it’s still entirely within the rules of the competition.

And lo, it seems that VoteForTheWorst.com is starting to have the opposite effect on the competition than expected. Their first choice for their members to vote for in order to cause pop culture anarchy, Megan Joy [Corkrey], only placed in ninth, and the moment they pick Scott as a follow-up, he’s gone too, in eighth place. This is further proof that their claim of pulling Sanjaya through the competition in s6 is complete bullshit, because they have no actual pull. It’s all talk, no walk, man. They can eat me.

And there’s the other important factor on American Idol Wednesdays – the Ford commercials. I appreciate the fact that it’s a way for the Idols to let off some steam for a day while messing around, but I don’t understand why they can’t be better. Wouldn’t it be best to make a commercial that could actually run on TV at times not associated with Idol. I guess not. In the eight years this show has been on, I can only recall one Ford commercial that I thought looked like a real commercial. It’s from s6, the Top 11.

Okay, there is one from s4 that does have a certain level of evocation. And, due to my love of both old school rap and the Muppets,  it’s evocative of my nightmares.

Could you honestly name any of the s4 contestants solely based off that video? Bo Bice and Niko Smith are the only two who look anything like their real-life counterparts.

The Wife:

First of all, I want to give props to Gokey and Anoop for having the balls to wear very bright colors, in celebration of their being born in the 1980s. Gokey looks good in hot pink and Anoop carried off that Kanye-ish green cardie like nobody’s business. But what I really need to talk about is Lil Rounds.

What's my leather got to do, got to do with it?

What's my leather got to do, got to do with it?

Lil, I’m sorry I thought your wig was on crooked last week. Apparently, it’s just that the person who gave you that weave didn’t bother to cut your bangs straight, and no one has bothered to fix them. As you fall further into your identity crisis, you performed your cheap Tina Turner song in cheap leather, and followed that up by performing the group sing last night in a tank top covered entirely in metal studs that were far too many and far too large. Girlfriend, Lady Gaga wear a zipper on her face and she wouldn’t even wear that shirt.

The problem, Lil, is that you have not only no idea what kind of artist you are, but you also have no idea what kind of person you are. I appreciate that you tried to look like you were performing a Tina song as Tina, but you didn’t do it right. It wasn’t like the Vampire Lamb Bear performing “Tracks of My Tears” as Frankie Valli, it was like poor Alexis Grace performing “Jolene” in her dowdy Dolly Parton outfit. If you are going to go costume, you have to do it right. And you don’t know how to do it right, so just don’t do it. Get a stylist who isn’t schizophrenic, understands body lines and get a hair artist who can cut straight and you’ll be well on your way to at least looking like you know what you’re doing.

Tim Gunn, can you please come and help Lil Rounds be fabulous? She needs you.

The Husband:

A couple weeks ago I asked if anybody thought Megan Joy [Corkrey] was taking the competition seriously. I’m disappointed to report that, after this week’s performance and overall demeanor, it’s a big fat “no.” Something really horrible happened inside the brain of this woman that I loved in auditions and semifinals that turned her into a goofy joke, going from sweet jazz crooner sweetness to ridiculous flat mess.

I can’t tell you how much this pisses me off. Yes, there are plenty of people out there who really hate this show, and that’s their right. The show doesn’t need their viewership to keep up in the ratings, so they can go and watch their Mentalist B.S. But it’s when somebody inside the competition tries to completely throw it for a loop that I get angry. I’m taking it seriously, girl, whether you are or not. Instead of trying to challenge the judges and their concerns, Megan (or, say, Scott Savol), maybe you could have listened to their VALID critiques and become a great performer who does great songs AND kept true to your spirit. Instead of joking around with the audience, Megan (or, say, Chris Sligh), maybe you can get recognized for being a true, unique TALENT and not make goofy faces when other contestants did BETTER than you and DESERVED their votes. Instead of trying to redefine the show with your antics and your constant inexplicable presence, Megan (or, say, Sanjaya Malakar), maybe…oy…I’m done.

I think you made an ass of yourself, and it insulted those of us who really take American Idol as more than just a FOX primetime singing competition. Whether you like it or not, this show changes the general American zeitgeist, and to get into the Top 12 (or 13) and not even seem to recognize the power one could have is just so utterly disappointing. Simon was absolutely right to not even give Megan a chance after her declaration of simply not giving a shit anymore, and for once a swan song was entirely preferable.

One day I'll fly away!

One day I'll fly away!

What would have happened if, instead of Megan, we had Kristen McNamara in the Top 13. Or Jesse Langseth. Or Jackie Tohn if she hadn’t embarrassed herself in semifinals. I’m starting to prefer all of them at this point. I am a fickle beast.

As for the other contestants, I’m generally kind of in the middle with this week’s theme. On the one hand, it really raised Scott McIntyre as an artist in my eyes, as well as finally showing me, for the first time ever, why Kris Allen has so many fans (I’ve been harping on the kid for weeks, but I thought he was stellar on Tuesday), but on the other hand…well…let me explain.

The idea this week was to keep the music selections completely wide open, allowing the artist to pick a song that truly represented them and who they wanted to become. But half of them simply chose songs they liked without any concern for performance. Look, we’re in the eighth season of this competition, so there is no excuse for not having studied the arcs or previous contestants and realizing what makes them last so long. You need to connect with your audience on an honest level while at the same time being original while at the same time picking a well-known enough song to spark that nostalgia and faith in your voters while at the same time picking something that will show off your chops. Once again, Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey take the cake for being true karaoke performers with nary a change to their original song – my wife and I are so disappointed in Lil’s song choices so far that she has kind of been dubbed Lakisha v. 2.0 – and boring the hell out of me. (Okay, Danny was pretty good this week as far as karaoke style is concerned, because he seemed to finally open up…to a point.)

Why didn't anybody tell me this wig was on crooked??

Why didn't anybody tell me this wig was on crooked??

Balls. Just…balls. Even Lambert picked the completely wrong song, but he did it well enough (to a point) that it didn’t entirely matter. Still, we need some mega-Lambert brilliance in the next two weeks or he may just end up confusing people more than inspiring them. He needs a perfect combination of his brilliant performance pieces with a true earthshaking ballad, and he’s got this in the bag. It seems that not even his utter flamboyance is turning anybody off anymore.

The Wife:

Look, I wanted to love Megan, too, but after last night, I’m glad she’s done. The minute she said she was singing Bob Marley, I waved my hand at the television and uttered, “Have fun going home!” And lo, my command has come to pass. I really think that she got on the computer and looked up what bloggers have been saying about her and just switched off the part of her brain with any semblance of logic and decided to become the thing everyone thought she was. When she cawed her way to the Space Stools of Doom last night, I knew the Internet had destroyed her, and I’m glad she’s gone.

You know who shouldn’t have been on the Space Stools of Doom last night? Allison Iraheta. You want to know why she was there? That. Fucking. Outfit. Now, some of you may consider it odd that I spend my part of this post writing about how the Idols dress themselves, but for all that Kara says about package artists, I believe there is some truth to the fact that it matters how you look — especially when you’re in the public eye. At this stage in the competition, I think a good performance paired with a tragic outfit can send you to your doom, and this is exactly what happened to Miss Iraheta this week.

The minute she stepped onto that stage, I knew I wasn’t going to like writing this post. I try not to be excessively mean to these people, even if I don’t like them. And I do genuinely like Allison, so if she comes across this on the Interwebs, I don’t want this to destroy her brain and wind up cawing her way to the Space Stools like Megan Joy. Allison, what I am about to say, I say in your best interests. You have to lose the spiky hair and you have to stop pulling out Hot Topic prom dresses. Those two things in combination make you look like a troll doll. Here’s a visual comparison for you:

One of these things is EXACTLY LIKE THE OTHER.

One of these things is EXACTLY LIKE THE OTHER.

Please don’t ever do this again, Allison. I am counting on you to be the one solid female singer in this year’s sausage fest of a show. Go back to the Kelly Clarkson-cum-Fergie vibe you had during Motown week. That made you like like the star you are, and that’s how I want to see you.

The Husband:

Michael Sarver

Finally, Michael Sarver is gone. It had to happen sooner rather than later to keep my sanity, and I’m glad this is as far as it could have gone. I didn’t like a single one of his performances when the actual competition started, from his lame butchering of Gavin DeGraw and his completely unnecessary version of “You Are Not Alone” to, finally, being taken down this week by picking a song that, original aside, I can’t help but compare to Ruben Studdard and George Huff’s versions. (And, well, Kevin Kline, Mary Kay Place, Jeff Goldblum et al dancing to it in The Big Chill.) Point is, it’s a loaded song.

So, let me ask you something. Is there anybody out there who would have preferred to see Michael Sarver over Alexis Grace on the Idol tour? Raise your hand. [pause] Well, you’re stupid. You would honestly rather see a linebacker-type boy bleat on the stage for 2+ hours than see somebody with performance chops, spunk and true stage presence, just because she had one bad week? Blech. I think Kara DioGuardi put it best during Fox Reality Channel’s weekly special American Idol Extra that Michael didn’t understand the difference between being a singer and being an artist, and his days were numbered.

Speaking Of American Idol Extra

This is a really cool show, and if you have cable, I’d suggest watching/TiVoing it. It gives us a nice bit of extra time with the contestants and gives us answers we normally wouldn’t expect.

Some of the nice little tidbits from this week:

  • Adam likes Gossip Girl
  • Anoop is really into crossword puzzles
  • Allison likes ABBA
  • Kris owns up to owning a CD by Kris Kross
  • Matt Giraud is really into Disney movies

Also, interesting development, Michael isn’t really that into country music. He fesses up to having a “country heart,” but having grown up in a big town in Louisiana before moving to Texas, it wasn’t necessarily his music of choice. Well, you fooled us, Michael, and I would have loved to seen, maybe, a more rocker edge instead of the namby-pamby sweet country boy nonsense that became your persona and your voting base.

Also, while I miss Gina Glockson, Ace Young is a surprisingly good co-host. And his new Kenickie hair (he, along with fellow s5 Idol contestant Taylor Hicks, did Grease on Broadway) is a vast improvement over his wavy Tarzan bullshit when he was on the show, and even when he made a cameo on Rock Of Love Charm School. Dude, what if there’s a Kenickie curse, and Ace Young, 30 years down the line, ends up like Jeff Conaway? Man, VH1 destroys my concepts of celebrity.

Adam Lambert

The Vampire Lambert: Slicked and Smooth for Motown Week.

The Vampire Lambert: Slicked and Smooth for Motown Week.

I was kind of hoping to prove a point, that starting with Ace Young in s5, there would be what I call an Ace Young Curse. This is when somebody with trademark hair slicks it all back to fit into a certain theme week on Idol and somehow loses their fan base. It happened with Ace during Big Band Week, which got him voted off the show. And if Adam Lambert, who turned his crazy spikes into a Muddy Waters coif, would have dropped considerably in votes (believe me, I don’t want him off by any means), I would have had an official curse to trademark. But, according to DialIdol, he was the top vote-getter this week. Well, whatever. He did an incredible job this week, so I’m willing to give up a trademark for that.

Lil & Danny

It seems that each week I can lump my critiques of Lil and Danny into one. This week, both bored the shit out of me by simply singing a song’s melody with nary a personality- and vote-increasing variation. Do both feel so confident and safe that they can’t be bothered to have any fun with their choices? I don’t like any contestant to feel safe. While I still like Danny (hard to tell, I know), I simply won’t vote for him until he gets tossed into a bottom three or even a bottom two, which I think will put a fire under his ass and teach him to make every moment he’s onstage count.

The Final Song

A lot of people seem to really hate the final sing-for-your-life performance, calling it desperate and sad. Me, I think it’s a major improvement over the send-off performance of seasons past. I always felt that to be sad, underperformed and simply a producer’s way to end a show on a high note. But it always seemed like wasted time. Now, we get somebody putting energy and fight into their performance, not feeling safe, and doing what they should have done in the first place, which is to inspire. I just think that Simon could perhaps be a tad nicer about rejecting them at the end. Or maybe he could hand the task over to the other judges. (Not Paula. When asked to give the final verdict last night, she almost melted into a puddle of sad.)

The Children Of Saint Clare Kibosh

This is going to be a regular thing, the COSC Kibosh, wherein I scream to the Idol gods to ban certain songs from ever getting performed again. This week, I have two songs to destroy.

#1. “(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave.” If it can nearly destroy Jennifer Hudson (who I remember Simon describing as “mad” when she sang the song), it would have no chance with Lil. It’s gone, buds.

#2. “For Once In My Life.” You’re not gonna do it as well as Stevie Wonder, and it might end up terribly embarrassing you. I think I’m done with Megan Joy after this week. That was just all kinds of wrong.

The Wife:

For this week’s Idol Fashion Review, let me start by praising Adam Lambert for doing something incredibly bold and unexpected by reminding me that he is, in fact, a working actor. And a good one. That shiny, shiny suit (like Barney Stinson’s suitjamas, actually) and the slicked back hair cemented something I noticed during his polarizing (but fucking awesome!) performance of “Ring of Fire” last week: the dude looks like Elvis. There was a shot of him on the big screen last week where he looked exactly like an early-Vegas-years Elvis, and this week, he inhabited the body and hair of the Elvis America fell in love with. He transformed himself, and, in doing so, made his performance as transcendent as is possible on Idol.

Adam Lambert is a fucking star. And if he doesn’t win, I think he will soon become the pinnacle of Idols on Broadway. Previously, I thought he’d only be good in shows with bombast like Wicked, or rocker shows like Rent or Spring Awakening (as Mortiz, not Melchior), but now I am convinced that he can do anything. He has opened up a whole new world of possibilities to Broadway casting directors with this performance, and I would definitely see Jersey Boys again if he were playing that falsetto-loving Frankie Valli.

I feel like she bought this at a cheap boutique on Melrose, but it's still pretty cute.

I feel like she bought this at a cheap boutique on Melrose, but it's still pretty cute.

The ladies all looked great this week. Lil Rounds made an excellent decision to wear that retro wig and don a flapper outfit, which is possibly the first thing I think she’s looked good in since that yellow-and-black number from the Top 36 episodes. Megan belongs in cute, short colorful things that are kind of weird but kind of cute, and she was back in a bright blue bubble hemmed dress this week, complete with 70s Hawaiian hotel singer hair and a little flower. On anyone else, this look would have bombed, but it worked on her. Kudos. As for tiny dynamo Allison Iraheta, I am so glad that she took on a more Kelly Clarkson-meets-Fergie type look this week, with the cool turqouise tunic and chains and the strange leggings. She looked young, she looked hip and she looked like a fucking star, as well as imminently more approachable than when she was dressing like she smoked ciggies behind the dumpster at her school a few weeks back. The girl is a rocker in her soul, and she knows how to embody that, both in her style of dress and with every performance she gives on this show.

Three of the boys need some attention here: Anoop, Kris and Scott. I loved Anoop’s 70s-style collegiate bowling jacket, because I think he’s best when he tries to nod to his academic career in his clothing. (But if he ever sports an honest-to-God letterman’s jacket, that will be one step too far.) Scott wore pink pants, and he knew he was wearing pink pants, and I am offended that someone in the wardrobe department thought those would be a good idea to put on a blind man — as though they wanted the bloggers to write jokes about it. I think they were trying to give him a sort of extra-on-Life on Mars vibe, but the pink pants with the pinstripe chocolate blazer and the pale paisley shirt just came off as . . . douchey. I’m extra confused by that ensemble because, last time I checked, it was Motown week, not BeeGees week. So . . . why didn’t he get a suit? Wouldn’t that have made more sense?

And then there’s Kris Allen’s shirt, which reminded me of what a guard would wear in a Nazi prison camp. There’s only a certain kind of man that shirt works on, and Kris Allen is not it. (But if Adam Lambert had worn it, I might have thought it was cool. Or even if Randy Jackson had worn it.) I kind of don’t like Kris because he is a dead ringer for a friend’s ex-husband, but I’m trying not to hold that against the guy. He is a good singer, but I want him to return to the boy-next-door vibe he’s been cultivating this season. I like him much better in plaid button downs, jeans and flip flops. It suits him.

Just . . . no.

Just . . . no.

But, overall, this week was pretty good for the Idols. I think they (and the wardrobe) department are kind of getting it. They’re packaging themselves better, and showing off their post-Idol potential.

The Husband:

Points of contention:

Alexis Grace Going Home

Alexis shouldn’t be going home. Not one lick. Not even if she had a bad week with a bad song.

Goodbye, tiny Kristen Bell look-alike!

Goodbye, tiny Kristen Bell look-alike!

(Man, what is it with “Jolene” as a song and being such bad luck on American Idol? It put Brooke White in the bottom three of Dolly Parton week last season, and it killed Alexis Grace. Let this be a lesson.)

I think that we can all agree that Michael Sarver, for many reasons, should have gone home, not least of which was the terribly depressing bit of info we found out last night regarding his three-year-old daughter and her feeling abandoned. True, he shouldn’t drop out of the competition just for her, but it just happened to coincide with him doing a poor version of a bad song. Alexis has been great the entire season up to this point, and I even felt her wildly over-the-top performance last week was a little bundle of dynamite, but Michael…well…he’s had an entire run of mediocre performances. His “You Are Not Alone” last week? Nope. He is alone.

I understand that the judges felt like they had to save their “Judges Save” for later in the competition just so it adds up to something more substantial, but I thought Alexis’ sing-for-your-life performance had all the energy and depression that the song called for (even if it was a lousy Jeff Buckley version) and that they probably should have used it, just to get all the controversy surrounding the “save” out of the way and we can move on with this competition.

But hey, I like unpredictability. I just wish it wasn’t what brought Alexis Grace down.

That Infamous “Top Four List”

A couple days ago, there was a story floating around on the interwebs regarding an anonymous American Idol staffer who claims that the top four have already been picked, and that we’re just wasting our time until that top four finally happens. Now, I’m not going to list who the people listed were, because, and I have to point this out every year, this is legally a competition, and if there was rigging of said competition everybody involved would be in jail. Another good reason not to list the four people is that, as of last night, the fucking list has already been disproved. Because I will say one person who was on that list: Alexis Grace. If there really was a conspiracy, would the judges have let Ms. Grace go on her merry way? Quit it, conspiracy theorists. Judges may skew toward their favorites, and the two-seasons-old iTunes download stuff is meant to let the producers know who is rising or falling in popularity, but this competition is still about your votes, and nobody else’s.

Kris Allen Singing “Make You Feel My Love”

a.) It’s a Bob Dylan song, not a Garth Brooks song.

b.) Garth Brooks has covered it, but so have many other people.

c.) Kris Allen’s version was the Adele arrangement.

Okay, we all know that contestants find versions other than the original to use for the show and arrange them thusly. The problem is when the contestant gets praise for the arrangement of the song and not the original artist. And there’s a difference here. David Cook last year, who was 100% forward that his version of “Billie Jean” was the one done by Chris Cornell. In s5, when Chris Daughtry did Live’s version of “Ring of Fire,” he did not mention it on Tuesday, but Seacrest was very clear about it during that week’s results show. And this week, Adam Lambert said up front that the “Ring of Fire” he was doing – does nobody do Cash’s version? – was one he had found.

But nope, there was no mention that Kris/Ricky Minor had arranged the song just like the most recent cover of the Bob Dylan song, not on Tuesday and not on Wednesday, and Kris got praise from nearly all of the judges for the version. Yes, he sang it well, and I was quite surprised at how much I liked it, but Kris needs to come forward, even just a small online release, that he’s not the one who should be praised.

And if he doesn’t…well…my wife and I saw Adele in concert back in January, and let me tell you, she could kick that little turd’s ass up and down the block.
Speaking Of Lambert…

Wow…that was some bizarre shit there, Lambert. I would tone done the eye-rape moves, some of the falsetto, and maybe dress more appropriately for the week’s theme. But I will say this: while the performance could be judged in many different ways (and the judges were waaaaay split), it was certainly one of the most unique Idol performances ever. And that’s never a bad thing.

But this was definitely the first week I actually laughed a bit during his performance. There’s Freddie Mercury-type performing, and then there’s evil Persian warlock hypnosis.

YOU WILL VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I AM EYE RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW!

YOU WILL VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I AM EYE RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW!

Is Megan Joy Taking the Competition Seriously?

Between last week and this week, I think Megan Joy is throwing way more humor into her performances than necessary. Or not. I don’t know. She’s a tough one to figure out, that Corkrey-less crooner. She’s from Sandy, Utah, where Big Love takes place, and yet she has major tattooage that would most certainly point to her not being a Mormon. She’s a mother but doesn’t act like one. And she’s a contestant on this show but I don’t know if she really wants to win. I know she had the flu this week, but her rigid, goofy performance this week was so strange. It wasn’t bad, but it was strange. Well, it got worse as it went along, so much so that near the end I thought to myself that she was starting to sound like Elaine Stritch.

Maybe she’s pulling a Chris Sligh and is aware that simply being on Idol is enough to boost her career, and once she gets a spot on the tour (which, as of last night, she received), the competition doesn’t really matter.

Paula Vs. Scott MacIntyre

Paula gave Scott guff for basically relying on his piano, but I think that’s fine. He can stick with it. He just needs to pick better songs, despite the fact that I’m liking him more and more each week. The piano is part of who he is, and I know he can work better on a connection with the audience and still have the ivories in front of him.

But I also think the other judges were a little quick to judge Paula’s judgment of Scott, because they brought up this argument: what if in the future they have Elton John week, or Billy Joel week, or Ray Charles week.

Here’s the problem. American Idol has already done all three.

  • Elton John Week: s3
  • Billy Joel Week: s2
  • Ray Charles Week: s5

Suck it, judges. Come up with choices you haven’t already done, fools.

Danny And Lil’s Song Choices

Some thoughts:

  • Both had awful first half-of-a-performance. This is a fact. What the hell was going on?
  • “Jesus Take The Wheel” is a lame song
  • Carrie Underwood did the ultimate Idol version of Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” in s4, and anyone who thinks they are worthy of surpassing her had better be spectacular, which Lil wasn’t.

Randy Travis On Willy Nelson

Apparently, Randy Travis can’t get willy out of his mind. Somebody should tell his wife.

The Hypnotic Power of Matt Giraud’s Mole

It exists. Hell, it got me to throw five votes his way by the end of his performance.

The Wife:

I realized this week that my jacket theory has been completely disproven by Danny Gokey’s extremely literal interpretation of snow-and-ice infused lyrics with that parka-like arctic white jacket he donned on Tuesday night. They do not always make any outfit instantly look more put together. Sometimes, they make you look like you’re trying really hard to be Kanye.

I also realized that Lil Rounds has no idea what the fuck she actually looks like and she needs Tim Gunn’s help and fast. Here’s the thing, Lil: you are pear-shaped. Nothing is ever going to work for you if you stuff yourself into it like some kind of hot sexy sausage. Tuesday’s pink sheath was a minor improvement over last week’s tragic white pants  . . . but only from the front. From the front, the chest ruffles balanced out her hips and drew my attention toward her face . . . but then the camera panned to the back, where that dress hugged her ass so tight I do not know how she’d have been able to sit down. Having a sexy booty is nice, but jamming it into a hot pink sausage casing actually makes it less sexy. Next week, she needs to switch to A-line sihlouettes; she will look much better. She provided further evidence that she has no idea what she looks like on Wednesday night when she threw on a pair of shorts and a long green top with lots of ruffles that pooled around her hips and butt, thus making her ass look that much bigger and completely confusing the hell out of me. Girl is a fine singer, but she needs some help in the wardrobe department.

I don't even understand what's happening with this outfit or what thought process lead to putting it on this girl.

I don't even understand what's happening with this outfit or what thought process lead to putting it on this girl.

Whoever styled Megan Joy this week also did some very strange things, taking a girl that I thought was kind of a quirky rockabilly goddess and tossing her into an Uli Herzner-style maxi dress to sing . . . an old Patsy Cline number? What? What the fuck happened to last week’s red macrame dress? Even Carrie Underwood was cribbing that look, that’s how good it was! Megan should have been wearing some kind of short, fitted shirtdress with a 40’s flare, which would fit the song and what I’ve seen of her personality so far. It would also have complimented her tattoos far better. No more of this 1970s disco makeup, either. None of this look made any sense . . . except for Megan’s boobs, which came out of fucking nowhere on Tuesday night and actually were very distracting because I noticed just how large her areolae were through the sheer fabric covering those crazy knockers. (They’re like dinner plates, by the way.)

But probably the worst look of the week went to doomed Alexis Grace, who apparently has been told she looks like Dolly Parton so many times that she decided to wear something covered in a Dolly-appropriate amount of sequins. Now, I’ve said that Alexis knows how to dress for a song, and she definitely does. Her problem this week was that she completely misunderstood the point of the song. That black spangled dress was the definition of matronly, and that feeling carried into her performance of the song — a song that Brooke White did a much better job with last season when she used a guitar-only arrangement and connected with the desperation of the song’s speaker, who will never love again if that sultry green-eyed beauty takes her man just because she can. Alexis didn’t get that at all, choosing instead to create a mother-of-the-bride helmet out of her blonde crop and sang the song without any emotion or luster. Now, I may not like or even understand country music, but I do love me some Dolly Parton. And I love “Jolene.” And you do not do that to Dolly. If you do Dolly with hairspray and spangles, they better be lime green spangles and have some very tall boots and very tall hair to accompany them. Alexis would have been better off wearing the cherry skirt and country picnic top she wore with her shit-kicking boots on Wednesday night; I think that much more countrified look would have suited the song better and given Alexis a chance.

Idol is quickly becoming a sausage fest this season, and that means I’ll only get to talk about Gokey’s eyeglass obsession, Matt Giraud’s collection of leather jackets and Adam Lambert’s insistance on eye-raping me. Please, girls. I need the rest of you to stick around because we all know that women’s fashion is much more interesting than menswear.

The Husband:

I told my wife to remember to copy-and-paste BestWeekEver.TV’s description of Adam Lambert’s performance, but I guess she forgot. It’s just too good to not put here, though:

Last night, Adam Lambert took the Johnny Cash song “Ring Of Fire,” impregnated it with a unicorn, sent it to India, gave it an STD test, and read the results of that test with a sitar strumming in the background on live television.