The Wife:

Oh, 90210! You are ridiculous! This finale was all the fuck over the place, but it was so fucking nutzo that I think it was actually pretty good. Here’s “9 Final Things About This Week’s 90210:”

1. Adriana. Probably the show’s most realistic and moving scene to date: Adriana, post emergency C-section, can’t even look at her newborn daughter because she knows that if she does, she won’t be able to give her up. She eventually does come around to holding her, and then, when somewhat overeager adoptive parents Greg and Leslie arrive, it’s absurdly hard for her to let go. You got me a little bit there, 90210. Great performance by Jessica Lowndes in this episode. I’m so glad they promoted her to a series regular.

2. “Have you met my dragon?” Before Adriana could come to the realization that she needed to say goodbye to her child before giving it up for adoption, though, we had to witness a super-trippy dream sequence in which she imagines that Brenda has returned from playing Cleopatra in China to hang out with her, rather than saying goodbye to her dying father. You see, Adriana and Brenda are a lot alike . . . however . . . I still don’t really understand why Brenda or Kelly are actually Adriana’s friends. I can kind of get that Kelly, a bleeding heart guidance counselor, thinks her duties extend to the delivery room, but Brenda? Other than tossing Aid into rehab, I’m not really sure why they’re, you know, friends. Anyway, what I learned from this is that apparently, the school production of Anthony and Cleopatra did happen, we just never got to see it. Also, “Have you met my dragon?” is the greatest segue into unveiling a completely unnecessary Chinese dragon ever.

FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

3. Post-Prom-a-Palooza. I don’t know what was most impressive about Principal Wilson’s school-sponsored post-prom party. Was it the a capella group singing Stephen Foster tunes? (Hell, yeah, “Beautiful Dreamer”! Sing “Swanee River” next! Sing it!) Was it the fact that there were so many people in attendance? Was it the fact that nearly half the people in attendance were wearing my favorite tee shirt in the whole wide world right now, “One party can ruin your whole summer?” No, no. It was clearly the fact that someone laced the brownies with weed, totally rendering Moms and Pops Wilson stoned out of their minds when they head to the hospital to visit Adriana and her baby. I kind of loved Rob Estes crazy-eyes. Like, loved them enough to think he’d make a good guest star serial killer on Criminal Minds, following in the footsteps of one totally awesome C. Thomas Howell. I also kind of loved the fact that they were so afraid to drive (let alone incapable of getting their shit together) that they couldn’t go look for their lying children . . . so they just stayed in the hospital waiting room all night and never went home. Lord knows I’d have made fast friends with those lush waiting room couches myself if I’d come across some edibles at Post-Prom-a-Palooza. Mmmm . . . couches.

One pot brownie can ruin your whole summer.

One pot brownie can ruin your whole summer.

4. Post Prom at Villa Clark. Because Pheobe’s party gets shut down by Pops Wilson, Naomi offers to host the party at her new digs, only to abandon it altogether to be by Aid’s side and put Annie in charge. I would have probably, oh, I dunno, just cancelled the party. But that’s just me. Thinking practically!

5. Love triangle #1. While Dixon starts to doubt his relationship with Silver, Ethan assures him that the very things that he doesn’t like about her on prom night are the things that make her Silver the other 364 days of the year. Later, Silver comes to question Ethan about his thoughts on her relationship with Dixon, and he assures her that they’re good together. But after switching jackets with Dixon (where Ethan has stowed a lovely prom portrait of Silver) and getting caught watching Silver jump in the pool in her prom gown, Dixon realizes Ethan’s got a thing for his girl, and, rather than getting into a fight that might involve a way to kill off Dustin Milligan, they just kind of stare each other down. Silver totally has no idea what’s going on, but Ethan solves that by later sucking her face off when she tries to stop him from leaving. Is Dustin Milligan not leaving the show? Because this is the kind of plotline you set up when someone isn’t leaving, not when you plan on killing them off during their summer in Montana. I never read any correction to that bit of casting news, so perhaps I’ve been watching this entire season incorrectly looking for ways to kill off Dustin Milligan. Dunno. Anyway, is a major break up a really good thing to do to Silver right now, guys? I mean, she is bipolar. She can’t be in high-energy situations. Or she’ll go crazy! At least, that’s what her sister seems to think.

6. Love triangle #2. Although Liam opened up to Naomi about his past (chiefly, it seems, how his mother used to be a maid and married up . . . because that’s oh-so-shameful), she is so excited about this breakthrough that she tells her sister all about it. Jen uses this information to sleep with Liam by pretending to be Naomi’s neighbor and saying that Naomi just blurts all this stuff to anyone. When Naomi comes home, she finds Liam putting his clothes back on and immediately wants to know who he’s been with. He won’t tell her, because he’s a tool, and she goes on a hell rampage when she finds Annie’s gaudy faux-fur wrap on the floor that Jen stole. Then Jen enters and tells Liam she’s Naomi’s sister, he calls her a bitch, and she’s like, “Well, duh.” Later, a none-the-wiser Naomi cries on her bitch sister’s lap as Liam is taken from his bed in the middle of the night and shipped off to military school. This is a much better love triangle than love triangle #1.

7. Best transition ever? Lori Loughlin enjoying a brownie with a vigorous “Mmmm!” to Adriana experiencing contractions with a hardcore moan. Genius.

8. Everyone at WestBev is a douche. As soon as the post-prom party at Pheobe’s house is cancelled, everyone starts calling Annie a rat, which is way less clever than whomever came up with Benedict Annie. But Annie takes pity on Phoebe when she finds her vomiting in Naomi’s bathroom and offers to drive her home. However, when she gives this alibi to Naomi when questioned about why her wrap was on the floor if she didn’t sleep with Liam, Naomi doesn’t believe her because Pheobe, like everyone else, hates Benedict Annie. Seeing how angry Naomi is, everyone quickly turns on Annie, who up until this point had been cleaning up after their drunk asses and getting them drink refills, calling her names of the rat variety and even tossing drinks in her face because she went to prom with someone she had no intention of dating thereafter. AnnaLynne McCord uses her absolute best bitch-face here and screams at Annie to get the fuck out of her house, leading to the most amazingly awful (but bold!) acting choice Shenae Grimes has ever made. Benedict Annie steps outside the doors, grits her teeth, makes a bunch of guttural noises whilst shaking her fists in the air before fumbling around with her cell phone and becoming the person those WestBev douches wanted her to be: the rat who calls the cops on their party.

9. Final scene. Wait, did Annie hit someone while driving drunk? I’m totally confused because I saw no hitting. Alls I know for sure is that the other car that didn’t look like it got hit at all had a WestBev sticker on it. As I don’t plan on watching this show next year, I guess I’ll never know.

Nonetheless, crazy shit happened, so, um, good finale, 90210! I wish you the best of luck in your future, because Lord knows the CW needs you to survive.

The Husband:

Sorry honey, you’re going to be watching the next season with me come this fall, because that was a damn good finale, and you know you cannot resist. Especially now that the vastly superior Privileged has bit the dust, how else are you going to get your non-GG high school bitch fix?

As for the final scene, Annie did definitely hit something, although we never saw it. It was supremely awkward how it was set up and then not paid off, but my guess is that if Dustin Milligan is off the show next year, then she hit him. It’ll create some major friggin’ drama next season, that Annie killed her ex-boyfriend whom she stole from Naomi, all while having a gigantic bottle of booze in the car after being laughed out of a party. That’s some crazy shit right there.

Good finale? No. Great finale. Everything that has worked about this season found its way into this episode, and none of the bad stuff decided to stick around. Jen’s betrayal was cruel enough to turn her into a great villain, Liam’s violent kidnapping was brutal enough to actually inspire pity in me, Annie’s downfall was juicy enough to last a long time, and Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes were funny enough to get me through all the pregnancy scenes, ones I had been dreading after having already gone through that drama on SLOTAT.

(You want to see Lori Loughlin be as hilarious in something else? Pick up the recently DVD-released Keanu Reeves comedy The Night Before. She plays bitch like nobody’s business. Then follow it up with the sweeter C. Thomas Howell starrer Secret Admirer. That’s right – two C-Bombs in one article!)

Whatever. I’m there next season. This show has become a can’t-miss in its recent weeks, and I’m not going to let that go. It’s a good thing I’ll be working from home this fall instead of chained to my office computer 40 hours a week.

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The Wife:

I almost don’t know what to say about this show anymore. I really don’t. Normally, I’d just launch into making fun of how lame this show is, but I actually found this episode really confusing. I actually have legitimate concerns about the way things are going around WestBev, so, this week, I have for you “10 Things That Frustrate and Concern Me About This Week’s 90210.”

1. I was happy to see some characters return to us this week, but I mostly found their presence after such a prolonged absence to be confusing. I mean, sometimes Gossip Girl leaves a character out, but even people who totally aren’t important or interesting like Nate and Vanessa will randomly show up in an episode they have nothing to do with just to keep the idea of the universe continuous. Ty, for instance, has been gone since Spring Awakening finished. Literally, kids, he’s been gone since episode five. I had just assumed that he’d gotten a real acting job doing porn or something because he’s such a fucking method actor jerkmeat, but no, he’s still there, chilling at WestBev. I wonder if the WestBev parking lot has the same magical character-dissolving properties that the Seattle Grace parking lot has. It sure took Ty a long-ass time to find his way back to the show. I mean, Ryan Matthews has been gone, too, but not for as long (only three episodes) and he actually had a legitimate reason to leave. (Seriously, you should probably not get caught having sex with a student who’s really an undercover cop. That’s fucking awkward any way you slice it.) You’ve really got to learn to manage your characters better, 90210 writers. Seriously. Why bring Ty back at all since we’d all but forgotten about him? Which leads me to the next thing on this list . . .

2. I guess the writers needed to find some way to legitimize Adriana’s pregnancy, and Ty Collins, the guy we thought she didn’t sleep with because she was just running the empty shower to trick Annie, seemed like the best choice for a dramatic baby daddy situation. Ya’ll remember that? Back in episodes four and five? Because I do. I will be incredibly surprised if the writers bother to explain to us – and to Annie! – why Adriana lied about lying about sleeping with Ty. This was supposed to come off as some shocking, dramatic revelation, but it just fell flat because Ty has been wandering around the WestBev parking lot for so long. That’s no way to build drama at all. Lame.

3. Hey, speaking of exactly how long Ty’s been gone, I should note that the last time we saw him was in September. Now, I know that television time and real life time are not the same (just ask the Losties!), but we do know that it is officially January in 9fneh, because someone mentioned it during the heat wave episode last week. So, it’s been four months since we last saw Ty. Adriana, then, is four months pregnant. I was immediately confused, then, when I heard that her doctor told her it was too late for her to abort. According to California law and the text of Roe v. Wade, abortions are legal unless the state determines that the fetus is viable to survive on its own outside the womb. Here’s a better summary from the folks at Planned Parenthood of California:

In Roe v. Wade (410 U.S. 113 (1973)), the U.S. Supreme Court held that the U.S. Constitution protects a woman’s decision to terminate her pregnancy.  Only after the fetus is viable, capable of sustained survival outside the woman’s body with or without artificial aid, may the states ban abortion altogether.  Abortions necessary to preserve the woman’s life or health must still be allowed, however, even after fetal viability.

Now, the youngest premature birth to survive was delivered at 24 weeks, or six months. Adriana is nowhere near that. So, um, what the fuck, 90210? Is there some kind of moral ambiguity you have that’s interfering with your ability to take actual facts into consideration? Granted, forcing Adriana to have the baby (and you are indeed forcing her into this, writers, so, you know, so much for choice) provides a better dramatic storyline that can be sustained longer than any other storyline on this show so far, I’m just really concerned about an alternative agenda here. I don’t know what kind of psycho tween would actually look up to this show, but I certainly don’t want anyone thinking that a fetus could be considered viable prior to 24 weeks. I’m uncomfortable with shows that have heretofore not promoted any kind of agenda at all seeming to slip one in, especially when that notion is presented though incorrect medical and legal data. I do not watch 90210 for lessons in morality; I watch it because it’s a trainwreck. When I want to watch something about values and minors carrying babies to term, I’ll tune into ABC Family and watch Secret Life of the American Teenager.

4. Adriana, by the way, is avoiding her pregnancy in the fucking weirdest way possible. I mean, she’s not exactly Peggy Olson-denying-the-whole-thing-until-the-moment-she-gives-birth-to-Pete Campbell’s-illegitimate-son (so not a chip-and-dip), but Adriana is definitely working hard to drink lots of coffee and focus on her career. My husband was really concerned about Adriana’s coffee addiction because television likes to purport that drinking coffee is bad for babies, but there are different schools of thought on that. Some people quit caffeine entirely when they’re pregnant. Some don’t. It’s considered okay to consume between 150 mg and 300 mg a day, so having one cup of coffee in the morning is fine unless a doctor tells you otherwise. You know what’s not advisable, though? Drinking cup after cup of coffee and pulling an all night drive to Solvang up the PCH, pregnant or not. This leads me to what was by far the fucking weirdest part of this episode. What the fuck is with that scene of Adriana driving on PCH? She drives all night and yet she’s still on the same part of the road? (Husband Note: Not only the same part of the road, but still in Malibu, which is nowhere near Solvang.) Only to decide to make a U-turn in the middle of the freeway, nearly crashing into someone? This was followed by another scene of her, driving up to a women’s clinic and sitting in her car. I guess this was 90210‘s way of trying to “show” not “tell,” but it just came off as fucking bizarre.

5. You know who shouldn’t stage an intervention? Kelly Taylor the Worst High School Guidance Counselor in the History of High School Guidance Counselors and Naomi Clark. These two have no business telling other people how to get their shit together, considering neither of them have their shit together at all.

6. Case in Point: Way to make Ryan Matthews feel bad, Kelly! While kicking Silver out of his class was a little harsh, I get where Ryan is coming from. Silver wrote some mean and untrue things, and she didn’t retract them when she found out that her initial reports were wrong. That would definitely make it difficult for him to teach her objectively as the situation was unresolved. Technically, if he wanted to, he could slap her with a libel suit, but given that 90210 doesn’t understand Roe v. Wade, I can’t really expect that universe to understand how a libel suit would function. Furthermore, Kelly took this incident of concern for his sister and, naturally, made it all about her by blasting Ryan for banging Brenda, as though he did it just to hurt her or something. I really hate you, Kelly. You need to grow the fuck up before you can start telling people what to do with their lives. Seriously. Stop. Being. So. Lame.

7. Another Case in Point: How could nobody tell Naomi that her mom was MIA and her dad was planning on selling the house? Can adults not send a text? I mean, sure, she was upset about maybe losing her house earlier this season when her parents announced their divorce, but she seems to have gotten over that entirely and has, instead, grown back her bitchbone and is ready to blackmail her dad into paying for her to live in a hotel in exchange for her silence about his mistress. I’m glad Naomi has her bitchbone back, but she’s still really not in any position to tell anyone how to live their lives, considering that she has no friends and lives in a hotel because her parents don’t tell her they’re selling property out from under her feet.

8. Oh, Dixon. I’m sorry that, unlike Naomi, you have no bitchbone at all and can’t seem to bring yourself to be assertive and talk to your girlfriend about what’s bothering you. Yes, she’s dumb for not noticing that your thinly veiled suggestion about hurting Mr. Matthews’ feelings was really about how hurt you are that she was mean to you at the beach party and wouldn’t say she loved you, but Lori Loughlin’s right. You just got to tell people how you feel, because they’re not mindreaders. And while I did truly love Silver’s off-the-cuff response to Dixon telling her that he knows she’s not a mindreader (“Oof! You’re onto me!”), you do not grow your bitchbone by breaking up with someone at a fucking party. That’s super lame. Please get a personality. And some tact. Soon.

9. Annie, Annie, Annie and her petty drama club dramas. So, when you try out for a play, you should probably not convince your boyfriend, who has no interest in theatre at all, to try out with you. You should probably not assume that you should play Cleopatra just because your grandmother, the working actress, lost that role to that violet-eyed hussy Elizabeth Taylor. Oh, and if you want that part, you should probably learn to read Shakespeare as though you understand it and can act. Ty may have been a little harsh in his critique of Annie’s reading (you know, being a douche and saying that her poor reading made it impossible for him to do his job), but he’s right. Please don’t audition for Shakespeare if you are going to read it like that. And don’t mope around when you get beat for a part by someone better, even when that person showed up late for the audition and probably shouldn’t have been able to audition at all. That’s the breaks, Annie, dahling. Some people are better than you. Tough noogies. (In a related note, I do love this new drama teacher, who you all might recognize as Thirteen’s lesbian lover on House, but I know better as “Shawn,” the film version of Shane during Season 5 of The L Word. I see you, Angela Gots! Rock that bob like it’s nobody’s business!)

10. Remember when Adriana made an illegal U-turn in the middle of PCH that nearly got her killed? That was foreshadowing for what I assume Ethan did at the end of this episode! Kids, don’t make a U-turn in the middle of traffic! Just don’t do it! I really hope Ethan isn’t dead because I was actually really starting to enjoy him. I think Dustin Milligan has finally found a way to make Ethan interesting and somehow more alive than the other people at WestBev, a feat he has achieved by basically delivering most of his lines as though he is intentionally trying to sound like he has an alien controlling his brain. If you don’t know what I mean, think really hard about how he described Egyptian food as probably having a lot of couscous. How he became my favorite character on the show, I have no idea, so I am deeply concerned for his well-being. Who will play a eunuch half as well as he?

And One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 90210:

1. Lori Loughlin’s description of Silver’s food predilections: “Is Silver coming over? I hear she’s an artichoke fiend.” Damnit! Now they’re really on to her! The Artichoke Fiend is the greatest evil villain in all of Beverly Hills! I fear for her safety now that her secret is out!

The Husband:

Since my wife beat me to the mention of “artichoke fiends” as one of the awesome things about this episode, I’ll have to think of something else.

One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 9fneh:

The presence, both in the opening credits as well as actually in the episode – show’s like Lost and Grey’s Anatomy like to list certain guest stars even when they’re not even physically there sometimes – of one Lisa Tucker, better known as one of the finalists of American Idol, season 5. She was too young and too innocent for the competition, and she didn’t make it very far (10th place), but she did use some of her newfound fame to make some television appearances – I recall her playing herself in a very awkward scene on The O.C. – and apparently had a recurring character on Zoey 101. (Which, as we all know, is a show that is no longer on. Thanks, statutory rape.) I’ll always appreciate her for one of her Idol song choices during semifinals, which was “Here’s Where I Stand” from the awesome independent musical Camp from a few years ago. It’s a lovely (if sloppily filmed) movie and a kickass song. So amidst all the stupidity and confusion of this week’s 9fneh, it was nice to see her, basically in the background, in the scene where the cast list is posted. I assume she’s going to be in Antony & Cleopatra, so hopefully we’ll get to see more of her.

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