The Wife:

And so one of the least interesting seasons of Top Model ends by choosing a completely unsurprising winner, the girl I thought was so unmemorable that I actually forgot she existed halfway through the season. She of the wind-tunnel face, Teyona.

But before she could be crowned, the final three had to do their requisite CoverGirl shoot and commercial, coached by McKey, who, for some reason, was given the haircut Hilary Swank had in Boys Don’t Cry, which detracts from her beauty and makes her look really, really awkward and gawky.

[Husband Note: Well, McKey is awkward and gawky, which is what made her interesting, but she was never that awkward and gawky.]

Which one is easy, which is breezy and which is beautiful?

Which one is easy, which is breezy and which is beautiful?

  • Aminat: This girl, aside from her obvious problem with clipping the ends of her words, has the most unpleasant manner of speaking. But the good news is her commercial isn’t totally awful and her eyes absolutely sparkle throughout it. She’s beautiful, truly, and if she never spoke again I’d be totally mesmerized.
  • Allison: She looks so lovely and ethereal on camera and her commercial isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be, even though she blanked on her lines. The photographer who shot her print ad thinks that, for some reason, she has a Bettie Page kind of look, which couldn’t be further from the truth, because she looks like a lemur. Or maybe the slow loris.
  • Teyona: I have no idea where all these nerves came from because Teyona has been so kind and happy-go-lucky throughout this whole competition, but she fell apart on this shoot. She kept messing up, got frustrated and cried during her take. What the fuck?


At panel, the girls photos and commercials were reviewed and they were told that the final two would be chosen to walk for design Amir Salama’s Rosa Chá line, and that it would involve something I don’t understand called the Brazilian Stomp. As I watched the cut of the commercial, I realized why there was one line of each girl’s script that I could not for the life of me understand . . . it’s because it was in Portuguese. Good job, me. I’m assuming that was the Portuguese translation of “easy, breezy, beautiful” because I didn’t hear that anywhere else in the commercial. As for their beauty shots for the campaign, all were lovely. Teyona looked like Zoe Saldana as Uhura in the new Star Trek, and I was surprised that she wasn’t hindered by being the only girl with a ponytail in her shot. Lemur Allison looked so lovely, and Aminat received the kiss of death from Tyra. That is, describing her photo with the sounds the adults make on Peanuts. “Wha wha.” Because of that, the right two girls were sent through to the final two, and I took a bathroom break with Aminat cried over her rejection or whatever she did.

What is with all the bird worship in Brazil?

What is with all the bird worship in Brazil?

Tyra immediately shipped Teyona and Slow Lorrison to meet with Anne Shoket to do their Seventeen cover trys. Anne Shoket said she thought this was a neck-and-neck race, but, clearly, Allison’s cover looked better and suited the brand better. Then it was off to the fucking weirdest, trip-tastic fashion show ever seen on ANTM. I’m kind of in love with the nation of Brazil now because it seems like their entire sense of beauty is based on what looks good on drag queens. In their Rosa Chá bikinis, their girls were decked out with bird feathers and jaunty little top hats as though they were a very literal interpretation of Satine’s gentle “One Day I’ll Fly Away” from Moulin Rouge. At first the girls did their bird thing down the runway, with Allison strutting a much improved walk, then they were asked to don full Carnivale headdresses and do whatever the Brazilian Stomp is and then the strangest thing occurred: the girls were covered in oil and asked to writhe in a sexy bikini tar orgy in the middle of the runway.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ………………………………………………………………. WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHIADSGVSFHSBFGHSDVFGSVDJHSDGHSDTJEVFJ?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?

WHIADSGVSFHSBFGHSDVFGSVDJHSDGHSDTJEVFJ?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?

Look, I get the girls being jungle birds in top hats and bikinis and how that goes with the strange Carnivale headdresses, but I do not understand the oil orgy. I would like the oil orgy on its own, as Allison said it was like being in an art installation (true), but combined with the other shit, it makes no fucking sense. Was the intent of the show to explore being tarred and feathered? Because that’s kind of what it did.

Also, Teyona lost her weave up in that bikini oil orgy and she flung it around like it was part of the show, which is more than enough reason for me to be okay with her winning. She gets extra points for that for sure.

At panel, everyone noted how impressed they were with Allison’s walk, and they said they felt that Teyona was sometimes a model-bot on the runway, especially when Miss J tried to get the girls to dance with him at the end of the runway. In a comparison of their photos, it’s clear that Teyona was good and consistent across the board, and that Allison was most improved. But the show is not called America’s Most Improved Model, it’s called America’s Next Top Model and so Teyona was crowned and forced to do a photoshot with crazy-hair Tyra.

Like pyschotic mama-birdgirl, like bland baby-birdgirl.

Like pyschotic mama-birdgirl, like bland baby-birdgirl.

And so we slink off into summer and hibernate by the pool in our Rosa Chá bikinis and jaunty little top hats and weird-ass feather creations until the fall, when Tyra will bring us what I’m sure will be the fucking strangest season in Top Model history: the short girl season. I really have no desire to see girls model commercial juniors clothing for 13 weeks, and I know I’m constantly going to be yelling things at my television like, “Your proportions are all wrong!” “Where are your legs?!” And I’ll, of course, be forced to endure repeated reminders that Miss Eva the Diva was only 5’6″ and 3/4 and that Kate Moss is short at 5’7.” But I will watch it. Because I will never not love this show, so long as Tyra and her giant ego and even bigger hair are there, so too will I be.

The Husband:

Yeah, it was a pretty uneventful season, but I also appreciated the lack of manufactured drama. That’s what always rubs me the wrong way, and while some of the photo challenges were not top-notch, I have still never been bored by one episode of this show. Teyona was a passable winner, but I doubt she’ll be remembered for very long.

Oh, and in case you missed it, this is what went down over on the Tyra show yesterday afternoon when they had an ANTM Graduation Party.

  • Tahlia is pregnant, even though she was told that, as a result of her burns and the surgeries, this couldn’t happen. And she’s inspiring women wounded in combat.
  • Fo thinks she invented the term “Blaxican” when she was eight, thus making her an idiot.
  • Celia is still fashionable.
  • As evidenced by her drawing of a bleeding Tyra, Allison’s art is pretty sweetastic. (Wife’s note: I would, ideally, like a room filled with art by Allison and actor Matthew Gray Gubler.)
  • Old queens at retirement homes do pretty good Tyra impersonations. Which is not surprising. At all.

The Wife:

With Fo gone, the house seems to have divided itself along color lines, as in the girls who are the color of the bottom of a swimming pool are friends, as are the girls with actual pigment in their skin. Newly divided into virtual teams, the girls received a Tyra Mail that was basically just a bunch of strange bird sounds (later revealed to be onomatopoetic interpretations of dance beats) and were shipped off to learn the samba with Paulina, who told the girls that dancing is like modeling because if you don’t know what you’re doing, you have to be good at faking it. That’s a good rule for life, in general, actually. Unless you’re faking things like neurosurgery and a knowledge of the law. Those would be bad things to fake. As expected, Paulina told Celia to relax while dancing, was afraid Allison would inadvertently hurt herself with all her clumsy awkwardness, commended Aminat on her effortless grace and was surprised Teyona wasn’t better at moving from place to place. (Um, remember last week’s go-sees? When she fumbled from place to place? Or does Paulina not watch the dailies?)

This reminds me: whos excited for So You Think You Can Dance???? I am!

This reminds me: who's excited for So You Think You Can Dance???? I am!

But this teach was not all the dancing the girls would be required to do, as their next Tyra Mail instructed them to not look down and they were brought to a rooftop to dance the samba before Paulina once again. The girl who fake-sambaed the best would be awarded $7K worth of Ara Vartanian jewelry, and, even though she’s old, Paulina gave Celia the win because she learned to relax and did the best fake samba. She was allowed to share her prize with someone else, so she chose Allison, because girls with no pigment got to stick together, much to Aminat’s chagrin, as she thought she should have been chosen as second best premiere dancer. (Probably, but for all Aminat’s complaining about how Paulina didn’t understand the friendships in the house, Aminat herself apparently didn’t understand how girls on Top Model share prizes.) Now, I have no problem believing that Celia chose her friend to share her prize, but what I do have trouble believing is that one pair of earrings and one necklace made with semi-precious stones totaled $7K. Really? Really, Ara Vartanian? Look, those giant hunks of onyx with the microscopic rubies were beautiful, but I’m so sure they’re not worth more than $1K. And the turquoise and silver necklace Allison chose? Maybe $500. If that’s how much his jewelry made from semi-precious stones cost, I can’t wait to see the price tag on a diamond solitaire.

The next Tyra Mail said something I didn’t even bother writing down about mama birds and baby birds, and the next morning Sutan and Christian Marc showed up to start the girls’ hair and makeup at the house before driving them two hours away from Sao Paulo and into the heart of the Brazilian jungle (and by heart, I mean outskirts).


“This is not, like jungle for TV.” — Aminat


On the way, they found a dramatic Tyra, pretending her Jeep broke down and picked her up and took her to the shoot, which worked out well, as she was the photographer this week. I love a Tyra shoot for a number of reasons, and this was one of the best. It was creative and interesting (the modelettes posed as birds in nests), and filled with Tyra ridiculata. Allow me to give you some of Tyra’s discernible utterances:

  • “Okay, so you are a birdie-owl-slash-pterodactyl.”
  • Tyra thinking a moth is a bat.
  • Tyra’s near-death experience i.e. tripping and not even falling.
  • “I woulda died getting your shot, girl! I almost just died!”
  • “And one of ya’lls gonna be up on her covah!” (Okay, so that was at panel about Anne Shoket, but still. Tyra.)
Sad, scared little birds.

Sad, scared little birds.

Personally, I thought the pigmentally challenged girls did much better on this shoot than the girls with skin tone. Allison and Celia both just stood out in their photos more to me, wore the makeup better and really were commanding presences in their photos. Not to mention that Tyra enjoyed shooting both of them better than she did Teyona and Aminat. But Celia’s old, and she can’t help that. So I think you can see where the producers were leading us. Tyra was so busy turning the modelettes into birds that she forgot to kidnap babies for her stupid Finding Your Inner Fierceness promos for nothing, so instead, they went straight to panel.

  • Allison: This was a truly stunning photo, and it’s amazing that she is not overwhelmed by all that hair and makeup, says Nigel. Tyra was impressed during the shoot and Miss J even complimented Allison’s work . . . in owl.
  • Teyona: Her body angles in this picture are not ideal, but her face looks stellar. The judges are split. I think the photo is really static, Paulina and Nigel like it, but Anne and Tyra don’t think it’s Teyona’s best work. (True.)
  • Celia: “It’s always daring when you put your armpit straight to camera, but it works,” says Nigel. Tyra thinks she looks like an Amazon, and compares Celia’s bone structure to Paulina’s. Tyra also mentions that while Celia photographs old and isn’t conventionally pretty, she was very fresh in her shoot. Anne thinks her body looks perfect in the photo. I just think the photo is perfect.
  • Aminat: Everyone at panel is happy that Aminat finally managed to catch the light on her face, even though her gorgeous body is kinda busted in this pose. I actually don’t like this entire photo, because even though her face caught the light, it isn’t saying anything.
Well, at least one chick named Allison had a good Wednesday night!

Well, at least one chick named Allison had a good Wednesday night!

Callouts: It was kind of a foregone conclusion that Allison would get the first callout, and that Tyra favorite Teyona would make the final three, leaving Aminat the Sour and Celia the Old in the bottom two. After much debate about their potential as models, Celia’s age and Celia’s fabulousness, Celia was sent home, with the express instructions that she was born to work in the fashion industry . . . as an editor or a stylist. Not so much as a model.

I love Celia to death, and I seriously hope that someone is smart enough to put her on one of the hundreds of personal styling/makeover/fashion design shows floating around the networks these days. Could she perhaps be Tim Gunn’s next assistant on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style? Maybe Bravo could give Celia her own show, or she could run around with Tabatha Coffey giving people fierce hair and fierce clothes. She deserves a showcase for that sense of style, even if it isn’t in the pages of a magazine.

The Husband:

Every once in a while, ANTM does something that greatly confuses me. Okay, they ousted Celia because of her age. Then why did they bring her on the show in the first place? I understand that they often try to make a point with their selections, that for instance just because a model is 25 does not mean she can’t pose young. But that really wasn’t their beef with Celia this week, because she avoided that whole “you model more maturely than we’d like” problem. Basically, they fired her for the same reason they hired her. So what was the point? Not even having a superior picture to both Teyona and Aminat could get her into the Top 3, so what else could she have done?

Farewell, enjoy your career as an assistant stylist somewhere!

Farewell, enjoy your career as an assistant stylist somewhere!

You confuse me, Tyra.

The Wife:

Even America’s Next Top Model knows that The Amazing Race is the best fucking reality competition program on television, and you should all tune in to see hunky Phil Koeghan tell you about the world while forcing teams of two to complete totally weird and random tasks that marginally teach both the racers and viewers about the cultures of the countries they’re visiting. Actually, I totally wish Tyra could have gotten Phil to pop up to announce ANTM‘s very, very easy version of TAR. Phil knows a lot about fashion. Here, listen to him talk about how much he loves Russian boots (complete with techno soundtrack!).

So after boarding that ANTM standard aircraft with the models’ heads photoshopped into the windows, the girls arrived in Brazil and were greeted by Fernanda Motta, host of Brazil’s Next Top Model, who would later appear on judging panel and prompt Tyra to proclaim that a version of ANTM appears in over 120 countries. When she said that, I expected one of the modelettes to pipe up, wide-eyed (but not as wide-eyed as the Lemur) and say, “Really, Tyra? I didn’t even know there were that many countries in the world!” Because that’s generally the kind of idiocy exhibited on Top Model. And, hell, with the way Natalie was acting in this episode, I am now completely shocked that such a statement didn’t come out of her mouth. But I’ll get to that later!

First, Fernanda told the girls about the origin of that ubiquitous piece of MuZak “The Girl from Ipanema,” heard in elevators and piano lounges across the land. It’s based on a real person, model Helo Pinhiero, and if the girls completed their shoddy version of TAR, they would meet the legend that inspired the song. Lemur did not disappoint me at all when she expressed her disbelief that she would meet someone who inspired a famous song, because that’s as close to actual fame as she’ll ever come. Other than Tyra, of course.

Fernanda told the girls to pair up, sent them to their cabs and made them race to a flower shop to find Helo’s favorite flower, which just so happens to be the Bird of Paradise. They then raced to a park where, once all of the teams arrived, a band broke out into an appropriately MuZak-y rendition of “The Girl from Ipanema” and Helo descended the staircase in some strange, swishy white terrycloth pants, dancing to her song – all to tell the girls in her delightfully Charo-esque accent that the song was inspired by the way she move her hips like zees and to give them the keys to their new home in Sao Paulo! Not like it really matters, but Fo and Natalie technically won the race because they delivered Helo’s flowers first, which won them the strangest prize I have ever seen: baskets of Swarovski crystal-encrusted Havania flip flips.

Um, what?

Look, I realize that ANTM apparently doesn’t have a budget this year, what with their sad confetti celebration last week where they couldn’t even afford a costume for that poor nude male model, and that whatever budget they did have went to getting a new ANTM travel map graphic for the photoshopped plane sequence (to make it look slightly more TAR-ish), but giving someone a basket of $30 and under shoes, “classed up” with garish bedazzling just to make them more expensive is not a prize. The phrase “polishing a turd” comes to mind. They’re in fucking Brazil, home of amazing shoe designers – why not throw some limited edition Gabrielle Rocha their way? Ah, because that would be a real prize, not at all befitting a totally perfunctory competition such as the Amazing Model Race.

Natalie expects their new house and spends most her time complaining that they don’t have a pool. Aminat then complains about her, because Aminat is a hater, but it turns out that pretty much no one likes Natalie, which is fine by me. The first Correlo de Tyra arrives, reading: “Fight or flight? You better give me both.” And the girls are ferried off to the location of their teach/challenge involving the Brazilian martial art of capoiera, a word I had been trying to think of since I saw the preview last week where Celia kicked Aminat in her hater head. Thank you, Top Model, for solving this mystery for me. I park near someone at BART that has a “capoierista” sticker on her car, and I have been wondering what that is for the longest time. Now I know to never fuck up that girl’s car, because she will kick me in the head just like Celia did to Aminat. Clearly, I find that action so amusing that I could watch it over and over and over again.

Celia, kicking ass and taking names.

Celia, kicking ass and taking names.

After the girls learned a few moves, they were taken to meet the Js and photographer Paschoal Rodriguez, who asked them to utilize the fighting skills they had just learned in their modeling. The winner of this challenge would receive 50% more frames in their next photo shoot . . . frames that would be stolen from another girl. Teyona kind of forgot there was a camera that she was supposed to model for and delivered a photo in which she actually looked like a turtle. Celia looked like she was doing well in the shoot, but blocked her face in every shot. Fo and Allison looked the most model-fighter in their shots, while Natalie basically did the can-can. Amina looked tough, but, unfortunately, can’t make a good face in a photo to save her life. Thus, Fo was awarded the win, and, in retribution for not being chosen for the Seventeen shoot last week, stole half of Teyona’s frames for their upcoming shoot, thus officially driving a deep rift between the two girls.

Corrello de Tyra Numero Dos appeared and informed the girls that “tomorrow, you will enjoy the fruits of your labor.” And that very next day they were taken to a favela, a poor neighborhood in Sao Paulo where they would inexplicably dress like Carmen Miranda and try to embody her in a fashionable way in the shoot. Natalie got all uppity about being in Brazil’s version of the ghetto, which made me want to punch the bitch in the face. When you are lucky enough to be able to shoot on location, you do not complain about what that location is. You work there, do your job, and go sleep in your comfortable hotel room at night. Furthermore, this favela was nowhere near as impoverished as any neighborhood visited on The Amazing Race. Every year, the racers end up in some off the grid part of India or somewhere in Africa where children play in mounds of trash and families live in shelters made of found materials. This favela was nothing like that. In fact, I’d say it was cleaner and nicer-looking than some low-income neighborhoods in the Bay Area. Racers on TAR are always moved by poverty, and it either makes them grateful for everything they have, or deeply sad that they’re around people who have nothing. Celia expressed that she felt this way, but not Natalie. All that girl could see was that the neighborhood she was in wasn’t nearly as nice as her cozy home of Palos Verdes, California.

You are not in the suburbs anymore, honey.

You are not in the suburbs anymore, honey.

Natalie’s complaints aside, I myself don’t really understand why the girls were dressing as Carmen Miranda in a favela. First of all, Carmen Miranda was born in Portugal and emigrated to Rio, not Sao Paulo. Secondly, I can’t find anything that indicates she grew up in poverty. Her dad owned a barber shop, which to me would indicate that they were pretty securely middle class. In short, this shoot didn’t really make any sense, but it looked pretty, and that’s the whole point, right?

Tyra stole two babies and a pineapple this week for her Guide to Finding Your Inner Fierceness commercial for nothing, and she rambled something to these adorable babies about pursuing your dreams and, when you do, your dreams will bear fierce fruit. So . . . like . . . a cherymoya? Or a durian? Those fruits are pretty fierce, and I definitely do not want my dreams or any other part of myself to bear them. I really think Tyra is rapidly advancing toward a point of complete deconstruction as each week she shows me signs of language breaking down. This show is turning into a David Lynch movie. Next week, I bet those tiny kidnapped babies will be dancing the samba across Tyra’s screaming, crying Naomi Watts-esque visage to a swing track about inner fierceness. Just you wait. It’s going to happen.

In other news, the Brazilian judging room hurts my eyes because it’s so goddamn bright, and I think I went completely blind in my right eye when Miss J’s plaid bowtie entered the frame. On to judgment!

  • Aminat: Paulina complimented her on how luscious her skin looked this week, which she said was because she got some sun, which prompted Tyra to immediately get into mommy mode and warn her against getting too much sun. Aminat interpreted this as Tyra saying that she didn’t want the girl to get any more chocolatey, but Tyra told her it was for her health. I’m glad Tyra cares about skin cancer, which is exactly why she should have me on the damn show! Or at least on The Tyra Show. I’d go on that, especially if I were sharing my airtime with a segment involving trannies. Anyway, Aminat’s picture was declared just okay because she was doing Black Girl Model Pose 101. She continued her stank-ass attitude, though, telling Tyra and the judges that she was doing more during the shoot than what she actually did, at which point Tyra rolled her eyes and Paulina informed her that she is beautiful, but boring.
  • Natalie: Totally blasé photograph in which she looks exhausted. Fernanda tells her she’s missing her spark, and Natalie proceeds to blame her bad photograph on Mr. Jay’s direction. This is a lie, because Mr. Jay actually knows what he’s doing, and Natalie does not.
  • Celia: Tragically, Celia’s photo was really flat this week. Her body looked great, but her face didn’t.
  • Lemur Allison: The Lemur totally and completely rocked this shoot. She was cute, fun, sexy and sassy. She embodied Carmen Miranda without being too literal and gave good face.
Baruch a ta ai dios mio!

Baruch a ta ai dios mio!

  • Fo: Mr. Jay’s take from the shoot was, “It was Carmen Miranda. On crack. As a drag queen.” Nigel’s opinion, on the other hand, was, “Very cute, but it’s as if someone’s done a remake of a Carmen Miranda film.” Either way, that means it’s an actressy photo, not a modely one. And that’s not great.
  • Teyona: Tyra hates the nightie she wore to panel, but thinks she looked sassy in her shot. It’s not very Carmen Miranda, but it is editorial. Tyra then reminded everyone that Teyona had 25 fewer frames than everyone else and delivered this great of a shot, which was impressive. Not impressive? That Tyra actually said Teyona had 25 less frames, further contributing to English speakers’ general confusion between fewer and less, and making me roll my eyes.


Callouts! Lemur, Teyona, Fo and Celia, leaving my two least favorite models in the bottom two. Stank-ass Aminat was given one more chance, although I’m not sure why, and Natalie was sent home, which is fine, because she’s a horrible person and a horrible model. She may have great legs, but I think she should look into a career as a porn star, because she constantly looks like she’s on coke already, so it really wouldn’t be that much of a stretch for her.

The Husband:

My wife told me I should write the following, as it relates to modeling shows on television, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with ANTM.

Two nights ago, I couldn’t get to sleep, so I rummaged through Comcast’s OnDemand function to grab some short three-minute segments. The best are usually provided by either MTV (they have a collection of Jackass short features, for instance) or G4, a channel designed for that ADD-ridden guy with a lisp and a penchant for anime who works a few cubicles down from you. I chose “Cutting Edge,” then “G4,” then chose the “Gears & Girls” section, because I thought hey, since I’m going to sleep soon, it might be a good idea to ogle some PG-13 bikini-clad women so I could have good dreams…uhm…of my wife! (Yeah…that’s the ticket!)

The three-minute feature was called “Superbabes” or something, which was pretty much just that week’s top 10 internet “hotties.” (Disappointingly, only one of them was actually dressed like a superhero.) When the countdown got to #3, I did a double-take. Why, it’s my beloved Lucia Dvorska.

Superbabe? Indeed.

Superbabe? Indeed.

Who is this gorgeous Slovak model? She was a contestant on the stellar TLC series A Model Life with Petra Nemcova, an eight-episode series that aired its final episode almost two years ago at the end of August, 2007. In it, Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova took six various models from around the world and put them through a bout of fashion model training. There was no competition, so technically, as my wife pointed out, there were no “winners,” but three got to do a final shoot in the Bahamas, and another (Angelika, obnoxiously pronounced with the emphasis on the “lik”) definitely ended up as the sole “loser” and was not allowed the final prize given to all the other models – representation by NEXT Modeling – because of her piss-poor attitude, her fighting with the judges and her complete hatred for the modeling industry.

Five of the girls were damn good in various ways, but Lucia, especially, was not only drop-dead gorgeous but seemingly a delight to work with. Despite some competition, especially from Beatrice (the Brazilian minor who was waaaay too young to look so sexy), Lucia was the obvious stand-out, even if some of the judges worried about her weight. (As usual, she didn’t really have weight problem…at all…but looked like an actual woman.)

The next day, I went through the IMDB page of A Model Life, chased a couple links, and found that not only was Lucia now represented by Elite, she was actually in the very Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition that was sitting on my coffee table. (I don’t read SI, and I haven’t really perused the issue, but my wife certainly has.) Lo and behold, there’s that beauty, nearly two years later, from a TLC show that nobody seemed to have watched, doing better than almost every single contestants on ANTM, completely rocking one of America’s most well-known photo shoots. And her online gallery is even better.

(This is where my wife will post a pretty ridiculous picture of Lucia with some wildlife, so I hope she can also find the “other” picture that we can both agree on. She knows which one I’m talking about.)

Nothing says Top Model quite like carrying an ittle wittle lamby wamby in a bikini!

Nothing says Top Model quite like carrying an ittle wittle lamby wamby in a bikini!

Success can come from modeling television shows, and it doesn’t even have to be from a buzzed-about Tyra product. Being a good model, listening to critique, having a good onset demeanor and being an all-around good person does pay off, so let that be a lesson to, say, ANTM’s Sandra or Natalie, who did nothing but hate and bicker. Despite what Janice Dickenson may seem to promote, being a cruel soul can only take you so far. And now, the pleasant Slovak girl, described as a “newcomer” by G4, is the envy of many.

I totally failed when I posted this before, because this is the photo my husband wanted me to post. He liked it because her boobs looked nice. I liked it because I thought she had nice lines. Either way, suck it, CW.

I totally failed when I posted this before, because this is the photo my husband wanted me to post. He liked it because her boobs looked nice. I liked it because I thought she had nice lines. Either way, suck it, CW.

Suck on that, CW.

The Wife:

Continuing down the road of terrible episode titles, we got “Take Me to the Photo Shoot” this week, which would have been clever, if the photo shoot involved aliens, but didn’t, so it wasn’t. We actually got a two-shoot episode, though which was kind of neat. The first Tyra Mail told the girls that “a Top Model knows how to be direct,” which lead them to a challenge in which they acted as creative directors for one another, posing in Southpole Jrs. urban chic street hip hop fashion wear clothing designs. (I just felt like using a lot of words to describe a brand that I don’t think had much of a look going for it.) If the budding little Miss Mr. Jays did well, one lucky winner would be rewarded with a fashion spread in Seventeen. What strikes me about this particular challenge is this: knowing the tension between Tyra and Mr. Jay, I felt like asking the girls to do his job was, in some way, her means of erasing him, or at least reminding him of his place in her empire. Let it be known, Mr. Jay, that Tyra could replace you with a model at any minute. Step it up, or resign yourself to hosting Canada’s Next Top Model.

Working it like a good little lemur.

Working it like a good little lemur.


On the other hand, though, it was a good idea for the girls to see what it’s like to direct their sorry asses on a shoot, as well as style and edit their sorry asses. The experience clearly proved valuable for Lemur Allison, who learned enough human language to make an amazing picture of Aminat. It was, however, completely unappreciated by Aminat when she was directing Natalie, as her poor time management led Mr. Jay to snap at her. She was all like, “It’s so not my fault,” and he was all like, “Bitch! Please! You just dumb!” And, despite all that, Anne Shoket from Seventeen somehow thought that what I felt was the worst-looking picture in the bunch was actually the best Seventeen cover-type photo of them all, with Natalie looking listless with her arm over her head, in jeans so whiskered around the thighs they actually made her look like a normal-sized girl. Celia put out a great photo of Fo, except she chose a final shot where the girl’s ankles were cut off, and so Teyona, who directed Celia, won, particularly because she demonstrated good styling techniques, which, amazingly, had nothing to do with Celia herself. For the Seventeen shoot, Teyona brought along her model Celia and her friend Aminat, which apparently angered Fo a little bit, who thought Teyona was her bestie best bestie.

The Tyra Mail for this week’s actual photo shoot suggested, “You haven’t had too much R&R – maybe it’s time for some R&B.” And so Mr. Jay woke all the girls up at 5:30 at the asscrack of dawn and brought the styling team to their abode for hair and makeup – because that’s how real Top Models do it. Then Ciara showed up and they were informed they’d be posing with her in their photoshoot, as crazed fans wound up in her microphone wires. Or, as photographer Mike Ruiz explained, “The metaphor is that you’re tangled in Ciara’s web.” Um, actually, Mike, it’s not really a metaphor anymore when you are literally tangled in things that are attached to the person entrapping you. Poor London had issues with this shoot because she’s gained 15 pounds over the course of the competition, which, to a model, is the equivalent of 100. She was feeling badly about it, but then Mr. Jay felt the need to talk to her about it. He did so gently, but, still, it’s not like she wasn’t aware after last week’s Joe’s Jeans incident. It is somewhat disconcerting that she gains weight so quickly, as this competition is really only, like, 2 months long. To gain 15 pounds in 2 months is a significant amount of weight, but if she’d had that weight on her when she started, no one would even make a deal of it. I still think she’s pretty and takes a fierce photo, even if she’s allegedly model fat now. And so the tragedy of weight-related issues in the fashion industry continues . . . sigh.

Right, because when I think of Brazil, this is what I think of.

Right, because when I think of Brazil, this is what I think of.

At panel, Tyra brought back her damned Guide to Finding Your Inner Fierceness, this time dishing out the advice that music always helps a model find her groove. Apparently, nearly nude male models carrying Brazil nuts also helps, because after a drawn-out segment where Tyra ate said nuts and tried to guess what they were, it was announced that six of the seven beautiful girls standing before here would join them on a plane to Brazil. The ensuing celebration of Brazilianness seems very scaled back this year, which I assume is due to the economy. They could only afford two Brazilian flags, cheap maracas from the Oriental Trading Company and some paper confetti. Not to mention all the money they spent asking that male model to shell all of those Brazil nuts for The Goddess of Fierce. After a set PA came to sweep up the scaled-back debris, the judging began.

This time, itd be called White Celia . . .

This time, it'd be called White Celia . . .

  • Natalie: The judges say she really stands out in this picture, which I think we all know is because the stylists froed out her hair in a way that seems impossible. I think she looks a bit zaftig in this shot, as the way the microphone cords cut across her belly make her look a tad on the side of pregnant.
  • Aminat: This photo is a total failure. Per Miss J, “What you needed was two cups of crazy and a pinch of insane.” Word.
  • Celia: Her photo is “not classically pretty,” but she looks really hardcore in it. She reminds me of Brigitte Nielsen in Red Sonja.
  • Teyona: Girl got a fierce shot this week, what can I say?
  • London: Nigel thinks her shot is a bit over the top. Tyra loves that London smiles with her eyes in person, but wonders why that goes away in a photograph. To my dismay, Miss J immediately wonders what she’s been eating. Thanks, Miss J. You’re real fucking nice.
  • Fo: Dressed like a movie star from Mexico in the 1940s, Fo delivered a shot this week that was all angles and 100% awesome.
  • Lemur Allison: Finally, she delivered a different kind of face in her photo this week. Miss J wishes her body were as dynamic as her face in this shot. She then goes on to compliment her experience working with Mike, which Tyra tells her is not smart because she’s worked with Nigel and he’s sitting right the fuck there. Or, you know, they could not act like children and just listen to what the girl has to say. Whatever.
And if they ever need a new Barbarella . . .

And if they ever need a new Barbarella . . .


Callouts: Teyona, Fo, Natalie, Celia and Allison, leaving Aminat and London to wonder whether or not they’ll be able to journey to the Amazon. Strangely, Tyra chose to keep the girl who takes terrible photos over the girl who gained weight and sends London back home to her God while Aminat gets a ticket to the rainforest. Frankly, I would have kept London, who I think has more potential than Aminat. But I guess, as always in the world of fashion, some who is skinny but has no talent is favored over someone who looks like a normal person and has talent.

The Husband:

Whatever, Tyra. You’re just leaving me open to now cast London as a manic pixie dream girl in whatever Cameron Crowe rip-off film I intend to do in the future. I’d give her a small part, to be sure (like the best friend who shows up in three scene) but London’s got that gnarly little Godspell thing going on – that nifty combination when hippie meets Christianity and doesn’t bug the hell out of me – and I think that if she has the acting chops she claims, she could definitely make a cinematic impression.

And yes, wife, casting her on 90210 wouldn’t be a bad idea either, especially considering she looks exactly like Jessica Stroup. Maybe she could be a cousin. Or a long-lost sibling, a bastard child from their personal trainer-banging whore of a mother.

The Husband:

So what’s been going on the last couple weeks at Mode Magazine? Well, if the first episode in this discussion was any indication, absolutely nothing at all. Taking the rare 100%-personal-story route, UB throws a lot of mush at us with very little to really chew on.

Some of the not-so-great stories:

  • Claire Meade is approaching 60, so she acts out by shoplifting from high-class boutique stores. When Betty tries to stop her, she gets pulled aside by store security and is about to be in big trouble until Claire comes back and fesses up.
  • Betty, in preparation for Claire’s birthday, goes around with a video camera to interview all of Claire’s friends, only to find that she has no true ones.
  • Daniel tries to make Molly forget about her ex-fiancee Connor, but that’s hard when he goes out of his way to find a sweet Tibetan restaurant, only to find out that Molly has been there dozens of times, and the wait staff doesn’t like anybody dating her but Connor. Hilarity. (Not.)
  • Wilhelmina has to look after Connor’s parrot while he is out of town, but the parrot picks up on her speech and begins repeating “I love Connor,” something the emotionally stunted Wilhelmina only mentioned in passing. She doesn’t want to be the first one to say “I love you,” so she momentarily suggests that she kill the bird. This brings us to the only great line of the night:

“But that…birder!” — Marc

And in the only somewhat good story, Betty, with video camera, accidentally leaves the camera on in her house while away and videotapes her father squeezing the asscheeks of his assigned personal nurse, Elena. (I’ll always know Lauren Velez, the actress, as Dr. Gloria, the prison doctor on Oz who Dean Winter was always lusting after, so this storyline has its major awkwardness for me no matter how it goes. If you want to see Velez in a great film, though, I suggest you pick up I Like It Like That immediately.) Upon further investigation, Betty realizes that her father isn’t actually a sexually harassing dog — he and Elena are actually in love. Betty and Hilda won’t have this relationship, not accepting of their father dating anybody, let alone somebody so much younger than him, but when they find that Elena’s intentions are nothing but good, and that Papi has been lonely for years, they finally accept the couple as they are.

The following episode, “There’s No Place Like Mode,” brings the show back into absurd amounts of awesome with a huge bang in a mega-episode of lunacy and heart.

While Daniel insults Molly by trying to give her a high-fashion makeover, and Wilhelmina feels that her personal life with Connor is beginning to affect her professional standing in her industry, Betty gets the best story of the night — as an exercise at YETI, Betty is forced to pair up with a sports writer, and they are to learn about each other’s magazines through and through. This young man, Matt, seems like a perfect fit for Betty, and also a perfect fit for Ugly Betty. He’s not classically handsome, but he’s witty and looks like Josh Groban, and is a great romantic interest for the show. Betty isn’t interested in sports, but when Matt bitches her out for not taking an interest in his work and was pre-judging his industry, she gives in and learns that, just like in her industry, the best stories are the ones about the people within the industry. I’d love to continue seeing Betty’s foray into the sports world and its similarities and differences with fashion, and Matt is a much better dating choice for Betty than perhaps even Henry, who was a little too clingy even when he knew that he was going to have a baby with somebody else.

But what mission does Betty take Matt on during the episode? It’s to get the line of clothes for Fashion Week from the enigmatic German designer Heinrich, whose clothes are made of metal. Confused, Betty and Cristina write a fake press release just to goof around, but when Suzuki St. Pierre accidentally gets a hold of the bizarre parody piece, Heinrich is so amused that he asks Betty to produce his Fashion Week show.

I would love to be at this show, provided nothing cuts my face.

I would love to be at this show, provided nothing cuts my face.

But who gets to go, and who gets Betty’s two extra tickets? At the Suarez house, Hilda is getting a little weirded out by all of the smooching going on between Elena and Papi, especially now that he’s at perfect health for his age and technically doesn’t need a nurse anymore. And Justin doesn’t like them interrupting their movie-watching time.

Justin: I can’t hear what they’re saying.

Papi: Well, it’s either about steppin’ up, or the streets.


Justin, who was to go to Betty’s show with Hilda, decides to give his ticket to Elena instead so she and Hilda can talk, and while they have differences, they bond over their horrible fashion choices from the 80s and 90s and decide that they could be friends after all.

Ahh…but how does Betty’s big show go? Well, one of the metal dresses almost cuts Isaac Mizrahi’s face (Target spokesperson OH NOES!), but otherwise it seems to be going pretty well…until a very pregnant Cristina, who has been helping out backstage, reveals to Betty that she has been in labor all day but didn’t want to say anything, and now there’s not enough time to get to the hospital. Cristina collapses on the runway, and Wilhelmina gets all the metal-adorned models to make a circle around Cristina to give her privacy. Luckily, Elena is capable of delivering the baby and goes to the private circle, and moments later Willy rises up, baby in hand, in a tableau that looks to be a mixture of Brazil, Moulin Rouge! and The Lion King.

So yes, it was all kinds of wacky and messy, but I got a whole lot of Mode shenanigans out of it. Willy has her new heir by a dead man’s seed, Ashley Jensen can settle her story and leave the show as reported, and Betty has a new boy story. The mixture of heartfelt stories and absurd drama rises again, and that’s when UB is at its best.

We’ve got seven episodes left this season. Let’s hope it keeps us fully interested.

The Wife:

That is an excellent question, Kelly and Christy, one I have to ask myself every day in an alternate universe where I a. wear sports bras on a regular basis and b. hang them on ledges to dry. I mean, I hate Starr, too, but I sincerely doubt that she had time to break into your room without you noticing and knock a sports bra off the ledge. Hey, let’s even say that Starr and her brother were in the room next to you and they thought to themselves, “Hey, let’s knock them thar sports bras off that thar ledge with this here makeshift poking device we created from coat hangers and Blong candy.” That would take a lot more physical ingenuity than either Starr or Nick could come up with. They’re much better at mental scheming.

Like the mental scheming they’ve pulled on me as I realized only a few hours ago that I had been calling Starr’s brother Ryan instead of Nick. You know, like Ryan Starr from American Idol season 1. Or from The Surreal Life. I do not know why my brain did that. But I think this does not bode well for Nick, as he is clearly not interesting enough to make me remember his real name. Bad news bears.

In any case, Kelly and Christy blaming Nick and Starr for the Great Sports Bra incident is yet more evidence piling up against them in the Reasons They Are Divorced category: extremely paranoid and quick to lay blame for blameless things. (You know who I think pushed the sports bra off the ledge? The fucking wind.)

The sports bra, my friends, is blowin in the wind . . .

The sports bra, my friends, is blowin' in the wind . . .

Unsolved Sports Bra Mysteries aside, actual racing happened, too. The teams had to fly from Fortelaza, Brazil to La Paz, Bolivia where they would have to adjust to the 13K altitude and find the statue of Simone Bolivar. Once there, they would wait for the local paper to be delivered so they could find their next clue in the classifieds. Once found, the clue directed teams to Naravez Hat Shop in Plaza Morito, where they would have to purchase a traditional Andean chapeau.

The Frat Boys found the ad first, but Terrence and Sarah beat them to the hat shop when their cab got caught in traffic. Sarah, like her boyfriend Terrence, gave us our second TAR utterance regarding the status of friendship on reality television when she declared that this race was not a popularity contest. That, to me, translates to: “I’m not here to make friends.”

Once the teams purchased their hats, they were given their Detour for this leg of the race. In Musical March, teams had to travel between plazas on foot to collect musicians and return the 5 piece marching band to their bandleader, located elsewhere in the city. In Bumpy Ride, the teams had to travel through the city on rickety-ass handmade wooden bicycles. At the end of their Detour, teams were given the option to U-Turn another team.

Unfortunately for this leg of the race, my least favorite Divorcees were not the ones having trouble reading directions. Terrence the Almighty Douchenozzle and His Browbeaten Girlfriend Sarah misread that both challenges had to be done entirely on foot, but caught their mistake in time and went back to the hat shop to correct their mistake. Geeks Mark and Bill also missed that their challenges had to be completed on foot, but didn’t catch their mistake until they were on the way to the Pit Stop at the end of the race. Mark and Bill doomed themselves right there by not catching their mistake in time, but they also doomed themselves by being nice guys and not taking the time to U-Turn another team, which would have bought them more than enough time to keep them in the race.

I cant tell if this looks fun or not. But the hats are definitely hot.

I can't tell if this looks fun or not. But the hats are definitely hot.

After completing the Detour, teams taxied to Los Titanos Del Ring, where the most interesting challenge this season took place. At this Road Block, one member from each team had to learn wrestling moves from the toughest broads in the Andes, the Fighting Cholitas. Each racer learned 6 moves in a choreographed routine from their Cholita and had to perform it perfectly or be doomed to repeat it until they got it right. The luchador outfits the racers had to wear were my favorite part of the race so far, aside from the chicken feather helmets they had to wear on the wooden bikes and, of course, Blong candy.

This is where Mark and Bill truly experienced their downfall, as Geek Mark attempted to enter the ring in his Geek physical state and at such an altitude. Mark made mistakes in the ring on his first attempt, and had to return to training, only to fail a second time and be put on hits of oxygen before finally getting the routine right on his third attempt. I felt so bad for him, for at that point I knew they were not going to finish this week’s race anywhere near King of the Lab status.

Finally! A place where beating up girls is sanctioned!

Finally! A place where beating up girls is sanctioned!

After the luchador bout, teams had to taxi to the Pit Stop at Mirador el Monticulo. Not surprisingly, Ken and Tina came in first place and this time snagged themselves a week in Cabo San Lucas as a prize. Mother and son team Toni and Dallas came in second, followed by Terrence the Almighty Douchenozzle and His Browbeaten Girlfriend Sarah, who are not here to make friends at all. Amazingly, Team Elle Woods came in fourth place followed by Aja and Ty, who were stalled for a bit with a busted cab. A slightly less diabolical Nick and Starr came in sixth this week, followed by Team AEPi. Mark and Bill arrived thereafter and were forced to wait out their 30-minute penalty as the Divorcees arrived to edge my beloved geeks out of the race.

Adieu, my friends from Comic-Con. You were Phileminated far too soon. Too soon.

The Husband:

I’m honestly surprised at the ouster of Geeks Mark and Bill. Not because they messed up the road block (which they did) and that they sometimes didn’t have enough of a driving force (which they did not), because both of those are true. But misreading a clue in the sense that it would incur a penalty is something, without doing any research, I can only remember happening four other times. Maybe five. One was when a team accidentally skipped an entire challenge. A couple where the team forgot to hold onto their cards and needed to return for them. One (I think it was in Spain) where two young soccer moms took a taxi to a Pit Stop when the clue specifically demanded that they walk. (And I don’t think it was referred to as “on foot” in that early season, but literally “walk to the fucking Pit Stop, you morons.”)

(I think that winners and Bay Area Hippies BJ & Tyler incurred their own 30-minute penalty near the end of their season, but I could be getting that wrong.)

You would think that this many seasons into TAR that even though editing takes it out, the teams read the clues through and through before they act, because on a show like this, you cannot make any mistakes. This is why I get angry at jury members on Survivor who in their turn get angry at other contestants who fucked them over and got them voted off the island/compound/fucking prairie, because if they signed up for the show, then they’ve freakin’ watched the show and know that getting fucked over is exactly what they’re signing up for. Seriously, Mark and Bill, you missed two words and it really messed you up.

The U-Turn is another point of contention, because while it is too early in the competition for most teams to begin turning on each other – save for Nick and Starr trying to convince Aja and Ty to U-Turn the Divorcees – we know now that it’s finally never really too early. Niceness isn’t going to get you too far on TAR, because while banding with another team may help you a couple times, it’s not worth the energy you would be wasting on loyalty as opposed to, say, just going forth and doing the damned best you can. The Geeks, after having failed twice already at the wrestling challenge, should have known that they had to be late in the team lineup and that in order to survive, they would have to use their U-Turn, even if it meant being unable to do it later in the competition. They wouldn’t have known with 100% certainty as to which team was behind them, sure, but they saw the Divorcees behind them at the wrestling arena and should have turned ruthless.

TAR knows no mercy, nosiree.

The Wife:

If by “candy” you mean vagina, Southern Belles, then yes, yes I do like American candy. But you know what kind of literal candy I like way better? Blong. I still need to find me some of that sweet stuff . . .

In this leg of the race, the teams departed the floating battlement and headed to the great TAR equalizer, the airport, where Tina’s scheming to get herself and her cheating husband Ken and their adopted demon spawn Ryan and Starr onto a 6:45 a.m. departure actually ended up being a boon to every other team on the race. By getting them the airline to switch to a bigger plane, Tina ended up getting a plane large enough to hold all 10 teams. Thanks, Mom, for inadvertently looking out for everyone when you were only trying to look out for yourself.

As a result of her kindness and ingenuity, Tina thought she deserved to board the plane first and cut to the front of the line, causing Terrence to erupt in a rain of volcanic assholery. No one else seemed to have a problem with Tina and Ken boarding the plane first, thus making Terrence the ultimate dickhead in this situation. Frankly, if it were me, I don’t know if I could have been comfortable with letting Tina and Ken cut to the front of the line because they’re just as big of assholes as Terrence is. But, ultimately, no one was going to get a major lead by jumping on or off the plane first, anyway, so Terrence probably should have just chilled the fuck out for once in his life. Jesus, man, eat some Blong and be cool, yo.

The teams flew to Fortelaza, Brazil, where they would travel by taxi to the seaside town of Camuco. Once there, they would drive dune buggies to the town of Caife and find their next clue at a shop called Barraca De Manuel, the names of which were all horribly butchered by every race participant except for Sarah. I can’t wait for the race to leave Brazil so I don’t have to hear people butcher Portuguese anymore.

At Barraca De Manuel, the teams received their detour for this leg of the race. They could either “beach it” and race dune buggies down to the shoreline where they would roll 440 pound skiffs out to sea on logs with the help of some strapping locals or “docket” and race dune buggies down to the local shipping yard where they would locate a specific SKU number in a database, then look for the containers marked with that number in the yard to find their next clue.

Most of the teams chose to beach it, except for The Geeks and Team Elle Woods . . . that is, until the ditzy Southern Belles went in the wrong direction and ended up at the boat-lined beach anyway, at which point they just decided to roll some boats to the water with the rest of the teams rather than trying to make up for lost time. The Geeks rocked the docket challenge hardcore, just like I knew they would in my own geek heart, and they gained a lead over all of the boat-rolling teams as they nabbed the first taxi Parque de Vaquejada. In their honor, I proclaim them King of the Lab!

I declare you the once and future Kings of the Lab!

I declare you the once and future Kings of the Lab!

Divorcees Kelly and Kristy managed to provide me with some evidence as to exactly why they are divorced as they rolled the boat into the water and then proceeded to dig around in the sand for a container that they were certain they needed to find. After digging for a long time to no avail, they decided to head off to the taxi stop anyway, assuming that they would simply incur a penalty for not fully completing the task. In the car, they actually stopped to read the instructions for a minute and realized that the container they were looking for was part of the other challenge. I’m sure that their radical misinterpretation of events and directions might be one reason why they are no longer married, don’t you think?

Meanwhile, as all the other teams began to complete their boat rolling and get into taxis, Terrence the Almighty Douchenozzle and his Browbeaten Girlfriend Sarah tried to take the longer, less hilly route to the taxi stop and ended up getting totally lost in Caife. Terrence wailed and cursed the heavens, prompting me to yell at my television, “Why don’t you just go cry out your mangina, Terrence?” Team after team passed up their cries for help until Toni and Dallas stopped to instruct them where to head back and get a taxi.

Shes only smiling because hell kill her if she doesnt.

She's only smiling because he'll kill her if she doesn't.

I actually get this really icky feeling about Terrence most of the time, like one day he’s just going to hit Sarah for no reason other than his own anger. During the boat-rolling challenge, he chastised her for complaining that she was tired, indicating that it was her own fault for doing push-ups in the morning before they left for the airport . . . as though rolling a 440 lb. boat into the water couldn’t possibly be the real reason for her fatigue. Terrence is a dick, and I really hope Sarah breaks up with him by the end of the race.

At Parque de Vaquejada, the teams encountered a roadblock in which they had to locate the name of their next destination written on a 600 ft. wall. Mark and Bill got there just before Ken and Tina and immediately The Geeks devised the best solution with which to solve the puzzle: write down all 11 place names and just read them off to the painter, one-by-one, until you arrive at the right one. Mark, being a nice geek, gave Tina a hint about how to solve it, but not before making sure his own hide was safe and had a clue in his hand.

Many of the other teams seemed to struggle with this, like Evil Spawn Ryan and Starr and the Jewish Frat Brothers, whom Phil has dubbed Team Superbad, for some reason. I will not adhere to your names, Phil! They are clearly wearing their AEPi t-shirts and shall only be known to me as Team AEPi or the Jewish Frat Boys, because while one of them might easily be compared to Jonah Hill, the other is certainly not Michael Cera. Ryan tried to cheat off everyone else and then promised Frat Boy 1 that he would come back and tell him the answer, but instead ran off with his wicked sister to get ahead of them. Clearly, Team Elle Woods also experienced some difficulty with this part of the race since they kept insisting to one another that “you don’t even have to know Spanish” to read what was on the wall. Well, my Southern Belles, of course you don’t. BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING PORTUGUESE! I really, really cannot wait for the race to leave Brazil so that people stop thinking that Spanish is the official language of Brazil! It’s driving me crazy.

The team that had the worst time with this challenge was arguably the Divorcees, who provided yet another but of evidence that their collective stupidity is the reason they are no longer married when they misread the directions that told them to instruct their cab to wait and spent a good length of time trying to flag down passing taxis on the road after they got their clue before finally realizing that their taxi was back in the yard with everyone else’s taxis. Good job, ladies. You’re both such great catches. Truly. And by the way, I hate your “My White T is Green” shirts. I’m sure you really don’t care that much about the environment because I bet that shirt is neither recycled nor made in the USA.

Once they completed the Road Block, the teams taxied to Cidade da Crianca, a children’s park in the middle of Fortelaza, their Pit Stop for this leg of the race. Mark and Bill came in second place as Ken and Tina’s taxi edged them out of the lead. I really wanted to proclaim King of the Lab again in their honor, but they seemed rather humbled about their second place finish, although they did covet the ATVs that Mom and Dad won. Terrence and Sarah came in 3rd place, followed by Aja and Ty and benevolent Dallas and Toni. All three teams shared a massive group hug at the mat, expressing joy in how well they helped each other and hugging out their issues. I fully expected Terrence to cry out his mangina again, actually. Ryan and MonStarr came in 6th place, Idiot Divorcees Kelly and Kristy came in 7th place by some miracle, the AEPi Brothers came in 8th with Team Elle Woods in 9th. Sadly, Stephanie and Anthony, who were counting on TAR prize money to be able to get married, were booted from the race.

My advice to them is to just spend $50 to get a marriage license, have a civil ceremony and then have a big wedding later if they’re really worried about not having the cash to get hitched. Get married on the DL now, enjoy the tax breaks and put that extra cash toward a big party at a later date. Go forth, Anthony and Stephanie, and get yourselves a marriage license. The rest will follow.

See? This could be your wedding photo! No big deal!

See? This could be your wedding photo! No big deal!

The Husband:

Each season of TAR has at least one. You know them. The bitchy couple who you just don’t want to hear bitch at each other anymore. There are three tiers of bitchy couples.

Tier 1: Sometimes it’s just the fault of one of the team members who just won’t stop complaining (Flo of s3’s “Flo & Zach”)

Tier 2: Sometimes they’re both bad people but one is just that much worse (Mirna of s6/s11’s “Charla & Mirna” and Colin of s5’s “Colin & Christie”)

Tier 3: Sometimes they’re both just horrible, despicable people (s6’s “Jonathan & Victoria,” whose relationship was so violent and sour they appeared on the only Dr. Phil special I ever watched).

This season we have, obviously, Terrence the Almighty Douchenozzle and his Browbeaten Girlfriend Sarah. While last week they seemed to fall into the “Flo & Zach” camp of just Terrence the Almight Douchenozzle being a complete fucking prick, we simply had a Tier 1 situation where, maybe, the couple would learn to deal with each other. Witness Flo & Zack, who despite all their issues and all Flo’s absolutely earsplitting shrieks and complaints back in the early season actually finished in first place. Why? Because Zack was such a cool motherfucker.

This week, unfortunately, we’ve moved into Tier 2, in which we witness the assumed dissolution of a relationship. It’s always worse when the man is the emotionally sensitive one because their bitching and crying is seen from other teams as terrifying brute male dominance gone completely haywire (his airport rage) instead of just frustration. (Look at the Geeks for a lesson in how to stay graceful and funny under pressure.) Thank God Terrence the Almighty Douchenozzle and his Browbeaten Girlfriend Sarah aren’t married, because now there’s at least hope that they will realize they are completely incompatible and break up, like s6’s “Adam & Rebecca” (Rebecca, btw, is a cast member of Work Out now and is apparently secretly dating Jackie from the show).

For those interested in car wrecks, I can say with almost 80% certainty that the couple will move into Tier 3 if they make it far enough, and let’s face it, there’s almost always a hateful team in the Top 4.