The Husband:

Ding dong, Edie is finally fucking dead. Thank whatever lord you have, because her constant story repetitions that serve no purpose other than to act as a cheap plot device for other, better plots have finally come to a close. No longer do we have to put her in all the promos as if she were one of the “housewives” despite contributing nothing to the series other than a plastic shell. Hell, she didn’t even feel like a housewife when she was, in all actuality, a wife this season to Creepy Dave.

Clearly, no one is all that moved by Edies death.

Clearly, no one is all that moved by Edie's death.

But the show isn’t done with her yet, at least not in this week’s episode, because for the first (and hopefully last) time, she takes over the Mary Alice role and became the narrator. As long as her mannish voice is gone next week, then I accept that this, an episode based solely on the housewives (plus Mrs. McClusky) reminiscing about Edie Britt. But if she sticks around in the ether, then I’ll be fucking pissed.

As the rest of the stories have been put completely on hold for the long van ride to Edie’s son’s boarding school, there isn’t really a whole lot to talk about. (Nope, no mention of Creepy Dave’s story, which directly caused Edie’s death.) Basically, Gaby and Edie had a very special night on the town that turned into a tender moment fueled by jealousy that Gaby got more free drinks at a bar than Edie did, Susan called out the new-to-the-neighborhood Edie for sleeping with a married man until Edie turned around and informed Susan of the terrible truth of Susan’s husband’s infidelity with another woman, Lynnette learned to battle cancer when Edie takes her to a biker bar (huh?), and Mrs. McClusky had a drink-fueled heart-to-heart with Edie about what it means to lose a child as opposed to giving one up.

The only memory I really and truly appreciated was Bree’s, which dealt with the years between last season and this season as it pertained to Orson’s incarceration. After being basically forced out of Wisteria Lane, Edie had taken to visiting Orson every so often in prison, not for sex but just because the prison was nearby and she needed a friend, and Bree was certainly not coming as often as she should…being Orson’s wife and all. The story filled in a couple emotional holes that seemed to positively gape when this flash-forward season started, so I’m glad that the writers took the time to at least address some Van De Kamp/Hodge drama.

There only five episodes left, so they’d better be nice and juicy.

…I can’t believe I just wrote “nice and juicy.” This is not good.

Over on Brothers & Sisters, everybody has sex on the brain (look at the episode’s title if you need help with that one), save for most of the children (thankfully offscreen) and the on-the-lam Tommy. (Although, technically, he is stranded in Mexico, so who’s to say Balthazar Getty is not getting some south-of-the-border va-hi-na or participating in a Double Indemnity-inspired murder plot concocted by Patricia Arquette twins.)

Let’s split this up into two sections.

Getting Laid

  • The newly reappointed-to-Ojai-Foods Sarah, who shares a quick office tryst with Cal the accountant/volunteer firefighter (Christián de la Fuente from Dancing with the Stars and…other stuff I don’t watch), only to find out the next day that he was a temp and she bought and wore that too-tight red dress for nothing.
  • …actually, she was the only one getting laid.

Not Getting Laid But Certainly Thinking About It

  • Kevin and Scotty, who are propositioned by Kevin’s closeted former lover Chad (Jason Lewis) to have a threesome with him, only to reject his very forward suggestion but still be hot-and-bothered enough to have a shirtless make-out session, only to be interrupted by the just-banged-by-a-temp Sarah. (Jason Lewis, after playing a model/actor on Sex and the City and a soap opera actor on House, stretches his performance abilities to play…an actor.)
  • Ryan The Missing Walker continuing to lust after Rebecca, despite making it so obvious in mixed company that Rebecca’s estranged father warns her of this creepy boy’s total creep factor.
  • Nora, who is suddenly revisited by architect Roger Grant, who has informed her that his open relationship with his London-based wife (a set-up that turned Nora off) has turned into no marriage at all, so now he only has eyes for her.
  • Kitty, who is watching her marriage completely fall apart (despite Robert’s affidavit, signed by his doctor, that his heart is finally okay enough to survive a bout of passionate lurrrrrvin’), is starting to really feel fondness for Alec the single father, who brings her treats at the playground their children use every day. Watch out, Kitty – his brother is a lawyer who can see the future via musical numbers (or however one is to describe Eli Stone’s “powers”).
  • Justin, who is trying to either find a way to restart his relationship with Rebecca or at least find closure, neither or which really happens.

Other than the knowledge that Tommy, despite having all charges dropped against him, still doesn’t want to come back to his family and relatives in the United States, not a whole lot of story progress was made this week, but it was definitely an entertaining way to come back to the Walker clan after several weeks off the air.

The Wife:

Hey, people who watch Desperate Housewives and stuff! Question! Is “Look Into Their Eyes and You’ll See What They Know” the first DH episode that draws it’s title from Sondheim lyrics rather than song titles? Because that song is “Ladies Who Lunch” from Company. Here! Watch the brilliant Anna Kendrick perform it in Camp!

The Husband:

Thursday night marked the final session of American Idol auditions, and we were privileged to view two locations in one. The first was New York City, which gave us 26 more Golden Tickets (rock that shit, NYC), and the second was Puerto Rico with…nine Golden Tickets. (How do you say “OH NOES!” in Spanish? Is there a Spanish LOLcats translator engine? Whatever. Just picture Fred Armisen hitting a drum and saying “Ay, dios miiiiiiiio…”)

So 35 GTs for the night, and yet in my last post I had counted that there were only 33 GTs left. Now, it’s more likely that I just misheard/miscounted during the previous shows (perhaps even tonight), but I prefer to think it’s a conspiracy to fuck with my mind. What accounted for those two extra tickets? The elvin magic of Seacrest. Where did they go? Josiah Leming and his monstrous ego.

Now onto the notes!

  • In all honesty, thank you so much, Idol director, for the West Side Story tribute in discussing both of tonight’s locations, even if it was pretty forced.
  • No matter how bad the episode (which it wasn’t, btw), at least we got to listen to orchestrations of both Bernstein and Gershwin. Rock those classic American standards, y’all glorious dead Jews.
  • In continuation of calling out interesting and/or funny jobs on the show in ridiculous ways, I continue with “FORMER” BANK TELLER! What an awkward several minutes as Simon tries to get the failed auditioner’s job back. How presumptuous, contestant.
  • Speaking of the “FORMER” BANK TELLER, I didn’t even realize she was singing Dreamgirls until the chorus.
  • I wholeheartedly welcome a multilingual Idol winner. How positively American.
  • WAITRESS AT ‘50s CAFÉ! How oddly specific. Was “waitress” not good enough?
  • In their introduction to beautiful short-haired African-American singer Melinda Camille, the show loudly played Hair’s “Age of Aquarius” in reasons confusing to me. Is general positivity about life an inherently hippie-ish quality? I would just call that “being happy.”

    Girl, you let that sunshine in!

    Girl, you let that sunshine in!

  • And speaking of Ms. Camille, girl, if you make it to the semifinals, do not grow out your hair. You’re gorgeous and unique, so don’t let the Man get you down.
  • Another sign that it’s a good episode no matter what? Playing songs from both The Darkness and Chris Isaak in the same segment. It’s a show after my own heart.
  • Rat hug!
  • GuyPod was brilliant. He was like a Tom Green bit gone horribly wrong.
  • NORMAN GENTLE” is a job?
  • Patricia Lewis Roman is just a good name, singing voice or not. All of her album names could be references to ancient times.

Aaand…that’s it. I have nothing more. It was a silly episode without much substance, so I guess that’s all I could muster up.

The Wife:

  • I did nothing but laugh at Idol’s attempt to link NYC and San Juan through that West Side Story montage. I kept thinking of the West Side Story segment of Animaniacs featuring the Goodfeathers, where the “I Want to Be in America” sequence is about how only the Goodfeathers get to perch on the statue of Martin Scorsese in Central Park. You know what else I thought of? This scene in Camp, where In The Heights‘ Robin DeJesus realizes his parents didn’t come to his performance of Romeo & Juliet like they said they would so he starts doing Maria’s monologue when she realizes Tony is dead. (Killer, killer, killer, killer, killer!) Yeah, I giggled for about five minute straight.
  • Uh, Paula? I’m pretty sure that everyone sings the same way, no matter what language they’re singing in.
  • Melinda Camille! I second my husband’s sentiments about growing out your hair if you make it onto the show! DON’T DO IT! He and I feel similarly about women with short hair, and there is nothing I love more than a gorgeous African-American girl who can pull off having a shaved head.