The Wife:

“I could really do something.”

“You could really do something.”

“You’re gonna do great.”

“You can do better.”

Different permutations of those four quotes, said at different points by different characters, appear throughout this episode, and each very neatly comprises an aspect of the episode’s chief theme. “The Arrangements” was an episode about these characters’ potential and possibilities, and the things, either internal or external, that hold them back.

Pete is all set to snag a new client, a friend from Dartmouth who’s just crazy about jai alai, which he wishes to make the next great American pasttime and is willing to sink a lot of money into. “I could really do something.” But Campbell’s friend also happens to be the son of one of Bert Cooper’s friends, and Don isn’t about to let S-C family sink it’s money into something that could be potentially foolhardy. When Don confronts the investor’s father about this, he reiterates that his son has great potential with his fortune, but that he would appreciate it if his efforts were directed into an investment that could really do something. But Campbell’s friend cannot be dissuade, so certain is he of his own potential that he tells both Don and Pete that if jai alai fails, it will be the fault of Sterling-Cooper.

The proper arrangement.

The proper arrangement.

I actually felt a great amount of empathy with little Sally Draper this week. Unlike her parents who basically ignore her, spending time with her grandfather has given her a renewed sense of self-worth and encouragement. Though Gene feels its too late for his own daughter, commanding her to cease washing dishes because “I don’t want to watch you commit suicide,” he takes little Sally out for a spin in the Lincoln and tells her not to grow up like her mother, urging her, “You could really do something.” Though I was immediately worried for the kind of trouble little Sally could get into, learning to drive at her young age, I also remember driving with my grandfather. He wouldn’t take me out on the street, as we lived on a large hill, but Ed would let me practice driving within the confines of my grandmother’s large driveway.

But the memories we form as children with our grandparents are rather fleeting, and had little Sally only known that Grandpa Gene had given Betty a guide for his funeral arrangements, she perhaps would have been more prepared for him to not pick her up for ballet lessons, fresh peaches waiting for her on the ride over. When the policeman arrived at the Draper house to announce Gene’s death, I certainly felt more connected to Sally’s cry of disbelief than Betty’s affected swoon. In the ensuing discussion of Gene’s life and the arrangements to be made, I was with Sally. As an adult, I understand that we deal with loss by doing what needs to be done, remembering the good things about those we’ve lost and trying to move on as best we can. But yet, I also understand how Sally feels, the way she doesn’t understand her family’s reaction and her outburst about how everyone should be just as sad as she is. Of course, Betty is just as sad as her daughter, defiantly eating that overripe peach, simply because it was the last thing her father touched.

I’d like to think, in some small way, that the news program Sally watches about the monk who self-immolated in protest colors her view of her grandfather’s death. I wonder if she will look at that, too, as an act of protest, and view this event as a catalyst for whatever she may be able to do in the future, rather than let her mother’s path hold her back. I think it’s what Grandpa Gene would have wanted.

Peggy, of course, has already done a great many things with her life, but living in Brooklyn, her family holds her back from ever really having her own life. So here, she makes arrangements to find a roommate so she can move to Manhattan, thereby removing two hours of commute time from her daily routine. (For the record, this move to Seattle marks the first time in my life I’ve lived in an actual city, and I am so thankful that I will no longer spend 2.5 hours of every day getting in and out of San Francisco.) Unfortunately, Peggy also seems to prevent herself from “doing something” by posting an overly conservative and fastidious roommate ad on the memo board at Sterling-Cooper. This prompts her copywriter colleagues to have one of their secretaries prank call her, pretending to be a girl from a tannery with severe facial burns looking for a roommate. (It’s not all that funny, and I can’t tell if the joke itself was meant to be cruel or collegial, but I’m betting Kinsey wrote the copy for it. It just seems like it was his style.) Joan, further establishing herself as Peggy’s spiritual guide to femininity, instructs her on how to write a better ad and where to post it, and, lo, Peggy instantly finds a roommate in Carla Gallo, who is all over my TV lately and, apparently, only has one kind of boy she doesn’t like: sailors. (That’s absurd.)

And then there’s Sal, who gets handed the opportunity of a lifetime to direct the Patio commercial when the original director quits due to a scheduling conflict. Knowing that his job as an illustrator is falling by the wayside due to a rising demand for photographic images, Sal is distracted by work and fears that if he doesn’t do well, he’ll be left in the dust. This is the excuse he gives Kitty, who purrs beside him in her new green nighty, sad that Sal hasn’t touched her in six months and proclaiming that she, too, needs “tending.” When he explains his upcoming big project to her, Kitty says she doesn’t really remember the beginning of Bye Bye, Birdie so Sal, in his silk pajamas, performs the entire thing for her. At first, it’s clear that Kitty finds this delightful. She’s thrilled about this thing — this commercial, this opportunity — that makes her husband happy, but by the end, when he’s throwing himself at her with all the girlishness of Ann-Margret, she seems shocked, like she doesn’t know what to make of what she’s just witnessed. All she can say, with a nervous laugh, is: “You’re gonna do great.”

And Sal does, but ultimately, the product is awful. He followed client instructions and the shot to a T, but the product is wholly unsatisfactory and the client walks away. (Psst! I think it’s the awful lyrics! And the fact that the girl can’t sing!) Don assures Sal that he did nothing wrong and that the most important thing to come out of this bum deal is that Sal can now officially call himself a commercial director. It’s clear enough to say that Sal’s repressed sexuality is holding him back from “doing something,” but I hope that, just as Peggy’s new roommate and new apartment will move her forward, so, too, will the change in title.

Stray thoughts:

  • So the short version of my essay on theme is this: everyone’s family is holding them back. Or trying to.
  • Those old school wicker jai alai gloves remind me of Prawn hands.
  • Speaking of which, I am thankful that jai alai never really caught on.
  • “Don, look at this. Victory Medal. France. I should have another for beating the clap.” — Grandpa Gene, making a joke that is definitely appropriate to make in front of your grandson
  • What do we make of the scene where Joanie kills all the ants in the broken S-C ant farm?
  • I just watched Undeclared this summer, and am currently watching the last season of Californication, where Carla Gallo plays a porn star named Daisy (which is also her character’s name on Bones). So I’m ODing a little on Carla Gallo, so much so, in fact, that when she appeared on Mad Men this week, all I heard in my head was, “Forget it, Jake, it’s Vaginatown.”

The Wife:

Bones finale, while I enjoyed your silly alternate universe mystery that could have been Booth’s coma or Brennan’s erased fantasy manuscript or both at the same time, you were a weird, weird way to do a season finale. Although, really, how else would you have managed to solve a murder while Booth lay in a four-day post-surgical coma? If I accept the fantasy manuscript as what that story was, then I appreciate that it functioned to subconsciously illustrate Brennan’s feelings for Booth, as she would never be able to say them in real life. And I wonder if the crux of next season will be Brennan dealing with those feelings in light of the fact that Booth, tumor-free, now doesn’t know just quite who this woman he’s spent the last four years of his life with is. Memory loss is a bit of a hoary trope, usually relegated to daytime television, but I have faith that Bones will transform it into something useful next season.

Incidentally, I am 99% percent more likely to go to a bar called The Lab than a bar not called The Lab.

Incidentally, I am 99% percent more likely to go to a bar called The Lab than a bar not called The Lab.

That said, let me talk about things I enjoyed about this weird alternate universe:

  • Excellent use of every intern (save for the woman from the airplane caper and Michael Badalucco), even Zack.
  • Fischer as the chef made me long for Kitchen Confidential, which was better than FOX thought it was.
  • I am sad that Eugene Byrd’s Clark had to play entirely toward type as a hip hop superstar C-Sync, who wants to play at The Lab, the club run by Booth and Brennan.
  • I am, however, happy that Pej Vahdat’s Viziri got to play away from being defined by his religion and got to be a slick rival club owner, which is still kind of a Persian character type, but a much cooler one.
  • Daisy is a sloot in any universe.
  • It is perfect for psychologist Sweets to be a bartender, as bartenders are just as good as listening as shrinks are. And charge less by the hour.
  • Wendell Bray is the perfect bouncer, as I think this kind of 100% street-smart tough guy is exactly what he would be without his medical knowledge.
  • I have never loved Mr. Nigel-Murray more than as an adorable British DJ in this episode. He should always wear a hat in the lab. His best line? “I’m not going to fare well in jail. I’m lovely.” Yes, sweetheart. You rather are.
  • Zack was apparently Brennan’s assistant. I guess a club owner might have an assistant, but it seems like less of a fit than the rest of the characters in this episode.
  • Alternate universe Hodgins is a crime writer, and that’s pretty cool.
  • Alternate universe Angela was basically Angela, but without computer skills. She wore a super cute pink-striped dress at one point though, and I just found it: It’s Marc Jacob’s Crosstown Sleeveless Dress, and it’s at Neiman Marcus for $428. I. Am. Awesome.
  • I loved that Sweets band was called Gormogon, and yet played lovely, sunny pop-rock music. JFD is a fine singer, and I also loved the callback line: “Some people think that I’m Gormogon, but I’m not.”
  • I totally believe that Booth would run a club if he weren’t in law enforcement, because that’s probably what his little brother should be doing now that he isn’t in the military anymore. They switched roles!
Will commence hunting down that dress after I post this!

Found this! It's at Neiman Marcus!

However:

It is completely unbelievable that Brennan would run a club and remain so logical and fastidious. I could see her running a business, yes, but something that makes medical devices or computer parts or something. I do not see her as the kind of person who makes a business of entertainment, and that rang through loud and clear to me as her character said things about how she prides herself on being logical throughout the course of the investigation by Cam and Jared Booth. Everyone in the alternaverse was an alternate version of themselves, except for Booth and Bones. Booth’s transition made sense, Bones’ didn’t. And if she wrote the story, I’m not really sure why she would choose to insert herself into that character, other than to pair herself with Booth as husband and wife.

I guess the ‘shippery moments were pretty hot, although I find the alterna-Booth and Bones pregnancy discussion less cute than false. I don’t know, gang. This was a weird one. And Mötley Crüe was there. Why? I’m mostly just kind of confused as to how this functions as a season finale.

By the way, my pick for Interns next season would be a rotating schedule of Vincent Nigel-Murray, Colin Fischer and Wendell Bray, because they’re clearly the best. And we’ll get enough of Daisy since she’s all up on Sweets 24/7.

The Husband:

I was going to wrap up my intern-of-the-week for this season by stating my preferences for who should return, but my wife pretty much nailed it. Fischer is great comic relief for a geek like me, but Bray is the best character and Nigel-Murray is the most interesting in terms of sheer knowledge. I would have loved to see Badalucco return, but that Emmy-winning star is just too expensive or busy, I guess.

So I’ll just have to settle on a quick commentary of the final episode. I think it was cute but ultimately disappointing. If this was an attempt at trying to turn into Moonlighting, a show that constantly shifted realities for random episodes just because they could. (One episode starts with a dude reading Shakespeare while watching Moonighting, so the episode had Willis and Shepard solving a case while being characters from The Taming of the Shrew.) But Bones, while often subversive of the modern standard procedural, is still far more serious than that show ever was and still has a reality to maintain, a reality millions of people love. And so, this episode was not nearly as interesting as my new iPhone. (Not a whole lot is, technically, but I make sure to use it as little as possible if I’m watching something I really give a shit about.)

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I also don’t really care what people have to say about whether or not Brennan and Booth had sex in the real world or in a fantasy, because goddamn it, it’s supposed to be ambiguous. Just like the final sequence on Grey’s Anatomy. We’ll find out this fall. Stop freaking out with your theories, online douchebags.

And hopefully, this fall will also see Zack’s return to the Jeffersonian. I miss that apprentice twerp.

The Wife:

Despite the fact that Bones hasn’t found its way into my regular viewing schedule, in part because Fox just keeps shoving Bones around in their schedule in an attempt to either fuck over the show or me, I really do enjoy watching Bones and have no intention to give up this show in grad school. For one, a procedural likes Bones is a nice thing to marathon three or four episodes of when you find yourself with a chunk of free time that you’d like to spend with something funny, thoughtful, emotive and occasionally very grotesque. For another, I appreciate that this show features an academic as its main character. It feels good to see that, when other shows go out to their way to hide a personality’s academic prowess. (I’m looking at you, American Idol, which never once mentioned on the show that Scott McIntyre was a Marshall scholar and turned down a fucking Fullbright to be on the show. Bones fans watch Bones no matter what night it’s on. Telling America that Scott was more than just a blind guy, that he was a brilliant blind guy, wouldn’t have completely alienated them, I’m sure.)

4.18 “The Science in the Physicist”

An academic mystery set in the Collar Institute, in which the titular Collar’s fiancé (and editor of the institute’s journal) turns up dead, chopped into bits in a garbage bag being eaten by crows. Mr. Nigel-Murray discerns that the body was not run through a woodchipper, but perhaps frozen with liquid nitrogen and then broken apart. Ah, but first, the victim was irradiated, developing some kind of advanced leukemia in roughly two weeks, due to a radioactive isotope subtly placed on her desk chair. But before she was frozen and broken apart, she was stabbed in the neck with a pencil and then vibrated apart, leading them straight to the one person at the Collar Institute whose research was on vibrotransportation. (Well, straight to him after he trapped Booth and Bones in a radiation chamber, about to Dr. Manhattan them if it weren’t for Collar’s echolocation device, leaving traces of pond scum in the chamber.)

I liked the sordid way in which academia was presented in this episode, as everyone at the Collar Institute was sleeping with everyone else and that everyone was willing to kill to be published because, well, there’s no point in doing research if you aren’t going to publish it. I did not like, nor understand, why Angela’s dad felt the need to pop up and threaten Hodgins for breaking Angela’s heart, going so far as to kidnap him and leave him in the desert with a fresh “Angela Forever” tattoo.

(Husband Note: Just out of curiosity — are they ever going to explain why Angela’s father is Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top? I mean, it’s cool. But whaaaaaaa?)

4.19 “Cinderella in Cardboard”

There were a number of disgusting things in this episode, the first of which being the manner in which the victim was found, crushed between sheets of cardboard. I can’t fully explain why this was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on Bones, but it was. Like, that shit was truly gross. And it takes a lot to gross me out. I think, perhaps, this was even more disgusting to me because Wendell Bray, a former pizza cook, spent a large part of this episode trying to convince the squints that the best way to remove the woman from the cardboard would be to follow exactly the same procedure one would to slide a pizza out of an oven. (Think about it. It’s pretty gross.)

The victim was a serial bride, so obsessed with dating and getting married that she routinely broke off engagements and even had her toes surgically shortened to fit into her ideal bridal shoes. She subscribed to a service called Date or Hate, which would cause her cell phone to ring if in the vicinity of another Date or Hate user. Date or Hate ultimately became her downfall as the owner of the company created a fake profile to meet women, met the victim and killed her when she rejected him. Frankly, this chick seemed like a total bitchface to everyone when she was alive. Mean to bartenders, mean to the people making her wedding dress, selling old fiancés’ rings to pay for new weddings, mean to the guy who eventually killed her – not a nice lady. Had she survived to her wedding, I’m sure she would have made that guy’s life pretty shitty.

Booth and Bones spend the episode debating the merits of marriage, which, surprisingly, Bones does not understand, not even from a sociological/anthropological standpoint. She suggests that an intellectually rigorous person would never get married, which is the kind of pure logic that just stops making sense. Bones and Booth see Sweets’ girlfriend Daisy trying on dresses when interviewing the shopkeeper and then spend their time debating whether or not to tell Sweets that he’s the other man. Once Bones finally does, Sweets can’t believe it – which is good, because it’s very much not the truth. Daisy was trying on her cousin’s dress in her stead, as they’re the same size, hugging her cousin’s fiancé – a perfectly reasonable explanation.

“We’re both beautiful people, Lance. We’re bound to get jealous sometimes.” – Daisy

Daisy and Sweets proceed to have make-up sex in his office, while Angela and Hodgins see each other pop up on their phones’ Date or Hate service, and choose to ignore the signs from the universe that they should probably be together.

Here’s a great question I have about this episode, though: why did they hire Blossom (Mayim Bialik) and only use her in once scene? I mean, she’s fucking Blossom. Lame, Bones. Lame.

4.20 “Mayhem on a Cross”

Do not adjust your televisions.

Do not adjust your televisions.

Bones’ foray into Black Metal and Death Metal subcultures was strangely punctuated by the return of Stephen Fry’s Gordon Wyatt, who announces that he’s going to retire from the field of psychology. Nevertheless, he is most useful to help Bones and Booth confront the case at hand and the terrible truth she realizes about Sweets when she sees the scars on his back at a death metal show. (Death metal Sweets is pretty adorable, by the way.) Gordon Gordon effectively explains Sweets’ past (as an orphan saved from abusive foster homes by an older couple) as his reason for entering into the field of psychology and how the field can be just as useful for understanding the world as empirical evidence.

Plus, death metal kids are pretty funny:

  • “I ate his face off before I killed him.”
  • “They consider themselves deathcore. I consider them crapcore.” –Darryl
  • “No, I’m a forensic anthropologist. I know how to say skull in almost every language.” – Bones

4.21 “Double Death of the Dearly Departed”

What a super-silly, super-slapstick-y episode, complete with a body being secreted out of a funeral and Booth leading memorial songs in order to distract the funeral goers from all of the body shuffling. David Boreanaz may be a lot of things, but a singer he is not. I did, however, appreciate the use of the code word “translate” as a substitute for “murder.” It was actually quite reminiscent of John Donne (only “death” is “translation” for him), which is a nice metaphysical note to add to an episode that’s basically a slapstick comedy at a funeral. I did, however, learn that I can fit a corpse in my Matrix if need be.

4.22 “The Girl in the Mask”

This episode really got to me, for some reason, and I think its strengths lie in a moving score and Brian Tee’s excellent work portraying Booth’s old friend from police exchange in Japan, Ken Nakemura, who calls in his friend’s help to find his missing sister, Sachi. Tee played this role with quiet reserve, but there was such a depth and power in his voice and diction that every time he spoke of his sister or the case, I couldn’t help but cry a little bit.

Bones always tries to capture as many facets of a culture as possible, and they definitely got a good cross-section of Japanese culture by including the Lolita subculture, as well as the androgynous Ke (with Dr. Haru Tanaka acting as Intern of the Week), some old school shogun tactics in the murder and some Shinto/animist beliefs.

“The Girl in the Mask” certainly doesn’t add up to much in the long run, but as a self-contained episode, it’s probably the most affected I’ve been by this show sing the dog-fighting episode. And I truly treasure television that can be so moving. Truly.

Nake with the Sake.

Nake with the Sake.

The Wife:

This episode of Bones involved the body of a man, crushed inside his own junk sculpture. If it’s murder, all signs point to the artist’s assistant, Roxie, a former lover of Angela’s who stood to inherit a large fortune from Jeffrey Thorne’s death. Roxie claims she didn’t kill Jeffrey and suggests that it may have been suicide, as she often heard him talk about becoming “part of his art,” to which gallery owner and geisha makeup enthusiast Helen Bridenbecker exclaims:

Helen: Well done, Jeffrey.
Bones: You are an extremely unlikable woman.


The Jeffersonian team wants to cut through the sculpture in order to remove the bones and examine them, but Helen and her lawyers get a temporary injunction to protect the integrity of the artwork, so the squints have to resort to examining the bones with an endoscope and very delicately scraping out particulates without disrupting the art. Unfortunately, there’s too much flesh to be able to see the bones, so Brennan improvises by dumping a bucket of flesh-eating beetles into the sculpture in order to get clean bones faster while still complying with the injunction.

Wow, those bugs sure made quick work of that flesh, didn't they?

Wow, those bugs sure made quick work of that flesh, didn't they?

Angela doesn’t believe that Roxie would kill anyone and suggests that maybe Jeffrey did suffer from depression and committed suicide. Because of Bones’ stunt with the beetles, the temporary injunction is shortened to a two-day time frame and the squints must still uncover the true cause of death. With the endoscope, Daisy Wick (returning as Intern of the Week) discovers 88 bone fractures that could have been consistent with the cause of death being a crushed to death in the car. However, being unable to remove the bones, there’s no way to prove that this is the case. That is, until Angela finds a way to scan the entire sculpture and reverse engineer the crushing action in her hologram machine thing. In doing so, she proves that if Jeffrey had locked himself in the trunk of the car, he could have committed suicide by crushing himself to death. In attempting to prove suicide, Angela actually ends up proving murder when Daisy discovers an 89th fracture to the back of the skull.

Because the team was able to prove murder, the injunction is removed and Hodgins can finally rip apart the sculpture. Daisy accidentally crushes the skull as she tries to remove it from the sculpture, and Bones has to reconstruct the whole thing herself. Once she does, she realizes that the murder weapon was likely a common fire axe. Female sweat on the axe handle recovered from the gallery once again leads the team to think its Roxie, especially considering that Jeffrey’s body had been rolled across the gallery floor by a tiny woman, until they realize that the sweat contains traces of a cancer drug that causes skin discoloration, which leads to the arrest of wicked geisha Helen Bridenbecker, who confesses that she killed Jeffrey in order to discover one truly great artist before she died, knowing full well that art appreciates in value after the artist’s death.

Paint me like one of your French girls, Roxie.

Paint me like one of your French girls, Roxie.


I liked this case well enough this week, but Angela was really the star this week. She’s been meeting with Sweets to discuss the appropriate time to move on from her divorce and break-up with Hodgins, as six weeks is the longest she’s gone without sex in, like, forever. She insists to Sweets that all of her relationships are intense and passionate and that she’s ready to begin another one. Seeing Roxie again, with whom she spent an intense year back in art school, brings back some old feelings that lead the two women to share the passionate kiss of old flames when Roxie reveals that she still has an old painting she’d done of Angela all those years ago. While Roxie identifies as a lesbian and will never sleep with a man, Angela, clearly, has a much looser construction of her sexuality, one that is pretty highly evolved on the cultural scale. Angela acknowledges her past affair with Roxie, but doesn’t choose to label herself as bisexual. She accepts all of her lovers equally and has been equally attracted to all of them. Bones clearly understands this from an anthropological perspective, but she fears Booth might not, until he reveals to her that his favorite aunt growing up was a lesbian who often took young Seeley to Phillies games with her partner. That’s the nice thing about a show based on forensic anthropology: every issue is treated with about the right amount of judgment, which is to say, none.

And props to Sweets this week for actually being balls out and revealing his relationship with Daisy to the rest of the crew. His somewhat stunted sexuality proved a nice contrast to Angela’s this week, but I’m glad he manned up in the end. Also, it’s good to know that he drinks Sidecars. Sweets and I are the same age(ish), so I’m impressed that someone in their early twenties has discovered that a Sidecar is his drink. Mine, by the way, is a Singapore Sling.

And, finally, a quote from Bones that I really enjoyed that made me laugh far too hard:

“There was no ‘before’ before the Big Bang. Because time didn’t exist.”

The Husband:

Is it just me, or was the sight of geisha bitch Helen removing her white makeup while crying about being swindled by Mexican “cancer doctors” and revealing her splotched face the most emotional the show has been this season? (Other than the dog dying off-screen, of course.) It’s always very interesting when the show truly sympathizes with the criminal even after they have been revealed as the murderer. Like my wife said, the show sidelines much of its judgment and instead focusing on human nature itself, thus making the show very unique amidst the good-versus-evil of so many other procedurals. In other words, it’s kind of borderline Zen.

As Carla Gallo has returned to the show, yet only for one week after being fired again, it is time for a re-evaluation of her Intern of the Week status.

Intern of the Week (Re-judging):

Daisy Wick (Carla Gallo): 5 (-1.5)

Pros: Is apparently getting all kinds of naked over on Showtime’s Californication. Is willing to “think about [the case] till my head explodes.” Very good at kissing up.

Cons: A full point down from her last appearance, Daisy’s weaknesses were in fuller display. Why? Here be a list. Does bad Yoda impersonations. Breaks fragile skulls that are evidence. Does not understand the concept of personal space. Dr. Brennan doesn’t like her ass being kissed.

Still, we finally got an actual Apatow universe hook-up between Sweets and Daisy.

(Wife’s Note: Daisy and Sweets should get married immediately. Daisy Sweets is a lovely name.)

The Wife:

The thing that really struck me about this week’s Bones was not the Intern of the Week, Hodgin’s breakthrough with Sweets, Booth’s relationship with his son or even really the truly horrifying subject matter that arose from finding a human finger in a crow’s nest. What struck me this week was how much some of the actors truly delivered a look at themselves through their characters.

There was a brief moment where John Francis Daley’s Dr. Sweets discusses why Parker has been acting out at school with his father, Agent Booth. Parker, who discovered he titular finger in the nest, was not traumatized by his experience with human dismemberment, but rather was being traumatized by a bully at school, a corpulent girl who likes to carry Parker around like a monkey. Booth finds this extremely odd, as he was never bullied by anyone as a child. Sweets, on the other hand, posits that “We all had our Stephanie Clydes.” That comment made me smile, not because Sweets was demonstrating something that was true for Daley’s life, but for Daley’s career. My reply to his comment was, “Yes, that you did, Sam Weir.” Since creating that role on Freaks & Geeks, Daley has made a career of playing guys who are bumbling, adorable and geeky. I have no evidence to corroborate that Daley is himself any of these things, but I doubt he’d choose to accept those roles if he didn’t feel some affinity for them.

Booth’s scenes with his son, especially the opening sequence, I like to imagine are exactly how star and executive producer David Boreanaz interacts with his own son. Seeley teaching Parker how to throw the perfect football is reminiscent of Boreanaz teaching his own son how to play his favorite sport, hockey. In a recent Entertainment Weekly interview, Boreanaz talked about how he and his son love to sing “Low” because it annoys the hell out of Mrs. Boreanaz, and I was reminded of that every time I saw Booth with Parker. Boreanaz lives for his son, and Seeley Booth does too.

Bones' extensive knowledge of human anatomy also extends to chew toys.

Bones' extensive knowledge of human anatomy also extends to chew toys.

As for Brennan, it is no secret that actress and executive producer Emily Deschanel is a vegan and animal rights advocate (she was edged out for World’s Sexiest Vegetarian 2008 by Leona Lewis ), and I felt that a large part of this episode came straight from her heart. The mystery at the core of this episode involved an illegal dogfighting ring run by a corrupt veterinary student (played by Veronica Mars‘ Adam Rose) who set his dog, Ripley, to kill a veterinarian who opposed the animal abuse and was about to expose the illegal activities. The episode was filled with horrible pictures of dogfights and far too many sad-eyed creatures. Bones herself does not misunderstand that within every domesticated dog is the ability to kill, as she compares the “killer dog” Ripley, whom she befriends, to her partner:

Temperance and Ripley Brennan, the Turner and Hooch of forensic anthropology.

Temperance and Ripley Brennan, the Turner and Hooch of forensic anthropology.

“This dog reminds me of you. He has warm and reassuring eyes and he is capable of great violence.”

But when Ripley is put to death – as by law any animal who harms a human must be – Bones is heartbroken. I, too, was heartbroken, as was guest star and Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan, who calmed the dog by saying, “I’m so sorry, boy,” after Ripley was identified as the murder weapon. Bones had wanted to give the dog a second chance. Or, more accurately, a third chance: Ripley had been turned in at the dead vet’s clinic because it’s owners “were too stupid to realize that he would grow up to be a big dog,” and then adopted by corrupt veterinarian Andrew Hopp and forced to fight. I knew from the minute the vet tech began to tell Ripley’s story that Deschanel’s heart was in this episode, and that was certainly made clear in Bones’ eulogy for her dead almost-pet.

Bones talked about the dog’s abuse by humans, how he was adopted by people who only wanted him when he was a cute little puppy, and that he would never have killed anyone if his owner hadn’t told him to, because, ultimately, dogs love and serve their masters. They implicitly trust them. Trusting a bad person was Ripley’s only crime, because dogs, as Brennan tells us, “only see the good in people.” They’re just like that.

I have never openly cried at an episode of Bones before, but I did tonight. Those who know me know that I love dogs, and movies about them. A favorite from my childhood is Iron Will, and I fucking weep rivers when Gus dies. Every time. I love all animals. I’ve been a vegetarian for 10 years, and will be for the rest of my life. I support the humane society and don’t support animal breeders. I believe every shelter animal deserves a good home. They trust us, companion animals. And we owe them the courtesy of respecting their trust, and repaying their loyalty with our own. The idea that someone would abuse an animals’ trust does not sit well with me, and it shouldn’t sit well with anyone.

If Emily Deschanel can use her show as a soapbox from time to time, I feel moved enough to get up on mine for a minute. Please, please, please support your local animal shelters. Spay and neuter your pets to prevent pet overpopulation. Don’t support breeders. I can’t and won’t ask you to be vegetarian, but I will ask that you please make informed decisions about where your meat comes from. Don’t support animal abuse. They trust us, and we need to respect that.

With that said, please go do something nice for an animal, even if it’s just giving your dog a hug or letting your cat sleep on your head at night. I definitely owe my cat for letting me cry on him during this episode. It started off all fun and games with human fingers in nests and opossums eating dead people, and then I ended up drying my tears on a cat.

The Husband:

I think my wife said just enough for this episode, showing that even goofy FBI shows on Fox can still bring about some very deep-seeded emotions. Bones does proselytize sometimes, but it’s in well planned doses such as this episode. Hell, even last season when the show had an episode that centered entirely on horseplay fetishes, it treated it with just about the right amount of judgment. Here, Emily Deschanel did have a major purpose and moral to the episode, but I admire the restraint, using her own veganism and animal rights activism to spread the word without doing something insane like throwing paint on fur coats or doing performance art pieces involving Native American chants and a lot of crying.

What I can add, however, is the fact that I got a great deal of amusement and, ultimately, sadness out of the fact that the killer dog’s name was Ripley. Ripley is also the name of my family’s younger dog, an Australian Shepherd mini. Nicknamed “The Rippers,” this little scamp is a delightful menace, a cute dog with way too much fucking energy for my mom and dad to handle sometimes. Ferocious and small, Rippers will chill you to the bone.

This is her patented move. Tremble in fear.

I can haz belly rub of doom?

I can haz belly rub of doom?

And this is her face of victory.

Tremble in fear, tiny hooman!

Tremble in fear, tiny hooman!

And this is her own personal dogfighting ring, going up against the almighty Raja for domination of the bed.

Tonight, I dine in hell!

Tonight, I dine in hell!

And regarding Bones as a show itself, I continue my desire that every single episode this season has a brand new intern, as Michael Badalucco’s character of Scott Starret this week, too, is out the door after merely a few episodes. Too bad, because he was a very loving, very smart character with a past connecting to Hodgins – Starret once worked as a used car salesman and swindled Hodgins out of some money over a decade earlier – but hey, his exit is a small price to pay for the appearance of yet another talented character actor.

In fact, I shall start up a rating system of each new intern this season. I’ll include the first two this time.

INTERNS (out of a possible 10 points):

Dr. Clark Edison (Eugene Byrd): 5.5

Pros: A mouthpiece for all the show’s naysayers who claim that it focuses too much on relationships.
Cons: Not in the episode much. Void of personality. Too grumpy for the world of Bones.

Daisy Wick (Carla Gallo): 6.5

Pros: Was a cooch dancer on Carnivale. Very knowledgeable about Dr. Brennan. Good date material for Dr. Sweets.
Cons: Obnoxious and overeager. She was too big for her britches.

Scott Starret (Michael Badalucco): 9

Pros: Aforementioned past relation to a major character. Sensitive and wise. Willing to give credit to coworkers.
Cons: Maybe a little too mushy for the Jeffersonian. Was a bankrobber in the 1930s that went by the name of George “Babyface” Nelson.

The Husband:

One of the most underrated shows on television is Fox’s Bones, the F.B.I. procedural that follows the cases of Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and Special Agent Seeley Booth. With its mixture of forensic anthropology (Brennan’s specialty), romantic tension, geek comedy, good old police work and some of the best gross special effects on television, it’s amazing that a show this consistent and, yes, quirky, has lasted long enough to begin its fourth season.

She's hotter and smarter than you.

Temperance Brennan: She's hotter and smarter than you.

Apparently, a great deal of television-viewing men have an extreme aversion to the show, which completely baffles me. Is it that the show actually gives a crap about the personal lives of the characters, that there is sexual tension between the two leads, and that it actually has a sense of humor? Me, I don’t like CSI or its ilk very much. I’ll enjoy the occasional cable reruns, but for some reason it really doesn’t do anything for me. I find it cold and distant, and in the case of CSI: Miami, too much of a self-parody, rendering the central case of each episode completely irrelevant.

The Sisters Deschanel. Why wont you look at them???? Seriously????

The Sisters Deschanel. Why won't you look at them???? Seriously????

I mean, seriously, how could guys not be watching? Deschanel, like her movie star sister Zooey, is a breathtaking beauty and a geek goddess. Her underacting, as has been pointed out, is completely hypnotizing, and she and the character walk a delightfully fine line between utter brilliance and goofy social retardation. Michaela Conlin, who plays Angela Montenegro, is also quite the looker, a benefactor of an ethnically mixed genetic makeup (she is Chinese-Irish) that makes for a very exotic appearance.

And I know a lot of guys like Boreanaz’s former show Angel, so what’s stopping you? The vampire lives! He’s in Washington, D.C. now, with a better sense of humor, less brooding, and definitely less of that whole Nosferatu brow and fangs thing.

Last night’s case was just okay, an episode inspired by the show Cheaters, which revolved around a body found in an exploded outhouse, but it did – as this show tends to do – bring us some good supporting character performances from some recognizable faces/voices, such as Wipeout co-host Jill Wagner and the voice of Bender Bending Rodriguez himself John DiMaggio.

The thing I love about the new season, though, is the addition of a revolving door of graduate students in training to become “squints” – the show’s slang term for the lab technicians that aid the case. Since the departure of Dr. Zack Addy (curse you, Gormogon!) we have seen two new characters who have so far either quit or been fired, lasted merely an episode each. I actually think it’s a wonderful idea to help out struggling character actors, giving them a memorable appearance on a high-profile television show without saddling them with a season-long character that, let’s face it, would probably be pushed aside in favor of the main cast.

This week, we had Daisy Wick, a worshipper of all things Dr. Brennan – don’t forget, Bones is a writer in both the fiction and non-fiction fields – whose big personality and overeager work ethic pushed her out the door. This character was played by Carla Gallo, known to me primarily as Libby on Carnivale, the cooch dancer with the prostitute mother who managed to both start a lesbian relationship with Clea DuVall’s Sofie and have some unorthodox sex with the carnival gimp worker Jonesy in that show’s short-lived run.

She is also a Judd Apatow alumnus, so when at the end Dr. Sweets calls her up for a date, I smiled a little inside. As we all know – or should know – Dr. Sweets is played by uber-geek John Francis Daley, who first got notice as Sam Weir, one of the main characters on 1999’s wonderful Freaks & Geeks. Gallo, as less of you may know, was one of the leads on Apatow’s follow-up series Undeclared, and has made a habit out of showing up in Apatow-related films as characters with extremely silly and increasingly graphic names.

Behold:

The 40-Year-Old Virgin: Toe-Sucking Girl
Superbad
: Period Blood Girl
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
: Gag Me Girl

Next week we allegedly have the introduction of the newest potential squint played by Michael Badalucco, who if you don’t know him as one of the lawyers on The Practice, you probably do know him from his two Coen Brothers film appearances in The Man Who Wasn’t There and O Brother, Where Art Thou? I do have a fondness for the actor, but I also hope that his more well-known x-factor doesn’t mean an end to this one-intern-a-week trend.

Honestly, it’s like The Love Boat, if instead of guest stars like Charo and Scott Baio yukking it up on a cruise ship, we had C-list actors cutting up corpses and wading through abjecta looking for clues.

Yep, just like The Love Boat.

The Wife:

I apparently think a lot of things are like The X-Files, because I tend to draw comparisons between Bones and TXF occasionally. For me, the relationship between Bones and Booth is reminiscent of the relationship Mulder and Scully would have in a ‘shipper-run universe. Only, it’s a lot more light-hearted, with more blood and guts and definitely no aliens.

In any case, as my husband mentioned, Dr. Brennan may be both smarter and hotter than a number of people on the planet, her constant appeal to logic and reason often renders her completely socially retarded. Last season highlighted how appealing solely to logic can often drive us to do untoward things (as Brennan’s beloved assistant, Zack, turned out to be assistant to the Gormogon killer simply because Gormogon appealed to Zack logically), and this season seems to hint that logic and reason have little or no place in matters of the heart.

In this weeks’ episode, Bones revealed to Booth that she has two lovers: a public lover and a private lover. The public lover was a botanist who, from their conversation at the diner, seems to like foreign cinema, but completely misses the point of Neorealism. The private lover is a deep sea diver who can “hold his breath for three minutes down there.” When Booth explains to Bones that you just can’t date two men at a time, she fails to understand why not, as humans are not naturally intended to be monogamous creatures and that both of her lovers satisfy different needs in her life. The botanist fulfills her need for an intellectual partner, while the deep sea diver is clearly much more useful in the bedroom. Ultimately, Brennan loses both of her boyfriends when she accidently schedules dates with them for the same night at the same time and the men each learn that they are not enough for her on their own and each long to fulfill the other’s part of the relationship: the botanist wishing he could just once go back to her apartment, and the deep sea diver longing to go out to a movie with her.

In terms of pure logic, Brennan is absolutely right. Humans are not meant to be monogamous creatures. What she fails to understand, though, is that human relationships are social constructions, that the idea of monogamy is a social construction that has passed down through generations so that property can be passed on legitimately. It has very little to do with how we’re hardwired, biologically. And because of that, it takes a special kind of social contract between parters to practice polyamory. Bones? I somehow doubt she’d think to make a social contract of that nature.

Now, the best part of Bones’ two boyfriends is that, of course, the very thing she’s looking for, the composite man of both the botinist and the deep sea diver is standing right next to her every day: Agent Seeley Booth. He’s just as smart and intellectually capable as the botanist, and about a thousand times more attractive as a physical specimen as the deep sea diver. If this exploration of where logic fails and intuition has to take over continues throughout the season, perhaps Bones will finally realize that she’s had what she’s looking for all along.

Tired of helping the helpless, Angel changes his name to Seeley Booth and joins the FBI.

Tired of helping the helpless, Angel changes his name to Seeley Booth and joins the FBI.