Big Brother 11: Round-Up 7, 8 and 9

The Husband:

Some thoughts from the last three weeks of Big Brother.

• Chima is the worst loser in Big Brother history, or at least as far back as I can remember. (And this is coming from someone who has maybe only missed ten episodes of the show’s 11 seasons.) It’s one thing to “get got” but it’s another to actively force your opinion onto the people who actually run the damn show. I’m sorry that America handed Jeff the Coup D’Etat, but it was not designed by the producers to show you up. It was always going to happen this season, and if you’re a true BB viewer than you should know to expect the unexpected. If you wanted the Coup D’Etat, maybe you shouldn’t have been such a bitch during the run of the show, shouldn’t have called Russell a terrorist and antagonized the entire house. And if you didn’t want it to affect your game, maybe you should have worked out a deal with Jeff ahead of time. Oh, and maybe you should have fought for your right to succeed in this house instead of moping after Jessie’s ousting, turning on the producers and breaking rules left and right. This is their show, not yours, and if things stop going your way, it’s your own damn fault. You have nothing on the show’s producers, and your public statements are bonkers. We’ve had players return to the game, people playing for America, secret connections between contestants preceding the show, and many other surprises. What makes you special? What makes you think your shit don’t stink? Get over yourself, sore loser.
  

  Queen of the 'Tards. (Unitards, that is.)

• Lydia, you shouldn’t have lost your goddamn marbles with Jessie’s ousting either. Don’t forget that he wanted you out of the house earlier, and just because you’ve been giving him the occasional “oral compliment” doesn’t mean it’s true love. The tide of the house turned, you handled it poorly, you called Jordan a “ho-puppet” and then…well…you “got got.” Rule #1 of the BB house — if you want to stick around, don’t lose your goddamn mind.
  
• While we’re at it, thank God Russell is out of the house. Did anyone actually believe him when he got out of the house, and the next moment was telling us that his douchery was all a façade? I don’t think so, man. I just think you’re trying to save face. I’ve been saying it this whole time — nobody likes a bully, and threatening to make people’s lives hell just because you’re not winning doesn’t make you an uber-villain, it just makes you a jerk. Let’s all do CBS a huge service and just collectively forget that he exists, and when we’re listing the pantheon of notable BB villains, we leave this child off of that list.
  
• I am very sorry to see Jeff go, and even if it was a bizarre mixture of heartbreaking and silly to see he and Jordan slowly come apart at the seams, I still wanted to see those kids succeed. Jeff played a very quiet game for a very long time and nearly controlled every aspect of the house without anyone noticing for several weeks, and all that pretty much shifted when he threw the hole-in-one competition. During his Early Show interview, he was remarkably self-aware and knew that his eviction was the result of getting a bit too cocky and flying too high. See? That’s how one goes out like an adult, admitting one’s mistakes and giving credit to those putting him out. Kevin was right, unfortunately for us Jeff lovers, to go against his pact and put he and Michele up, therefore nearly ensuring Jeff’s ousting. (There was little chance Jordan would win the Veto competition and save both herself and her beau, so good show, Kevin.)
  
• But goddamn it, thanks to a last-minute HOH win, we have at least two more rounds of Natalie, who is continuing to be the most worthless and myopic BB contestant in a long time. As my wife would say, “just die already.” You contribute nothing to the show, you can’t even create trouble in an interesting way, and your outcry that you were going to get revenge for Chima is stupid, short-sighted and completely missing the point. Do you know what show you’re on? God, I hate misguided ire. And yes, you have broken your word, but just not as openly as others. So shut the fuck up, asshole. Let’s see one of her quotes in the house, shall we? “You don’t accept losing good.” Oh great, and she’s spreading illiteracy. Great job.
  
• I am hereby rooting for Michele, who has done an admirable job being really competitive, really smart and, yes, not being an absolute loon. She has made the right decisions at the right time, made herself useful but not too useful and has done it with more dignity than most other people in the house. (Let’s ignore her crying jags, because at this point one can’t help getting a little emotional in the house.) And most importantly, she has shared her game with us, the American viewer, and nobody can accuse her of simply floating. (Truly, the only real floaters have been Natalie and Kevin, and Kevin finally made a good move.)
  
• If CBS wants bigger ratings, they should definitely show Jordan taking one of her bubble baths.
  
• Julie Chen has done a good job with her Popwatch blog writing down some of the best quotes (many of which we CBS viewers don’t even hear), but my favorite from the last three weeks is definitely the following, said by Jeff: “Holy macaroni. We’re playing for Nilla wafers!”

  And, well, “I’m not a ho-puppet.” But that one’s a given.