The Wife:

Oh my . . . so many Bones posts to write . . . why do I do this to myself where I let a procedural pile up and promise myself I’ll do a double post, only to end up with a stack of four of them? With Criminal Minds, I know it s because there are a whole bunch of other great things on Wednesday, so I’ll usually save CM for the weekends, but with Bones, FOX never seems to keep it on consistently enough for me to make a date to watch it. And thus I wind up doing this:

4.13 “The Hero in the Hold”

The Gravedigger returns and captures Booth, locking him inside a submarine that’s about to be demolished. He fights his way out with the help of a spectral form of a cadet who died in his arms back when he was in the military. You know, I recently watched an episode of Angel where the military borrowed Angel to rescue a crew that had captured a Jerry sub, which was filled with vampires because the Germans wanted to engineer an army of them. Between these two episodes, I have decided that the one place I do not like David Boreanaz is on a submarine. Both episodes were terrible. Please, never put David Boreanaz on or around a submarine ever again. I would much rather see him in ladies’ underwear, tied up in Christmas lights being tortured by Alan Cumming.

4.14 “The Princess and the Pear”

How fortunate were the squibs to have Intern-of-the-Week Mr. Colin Fischer when a dead Booth Babe from a sci-fi/fantasy convention turns up? Oh, they were very, very lucky, for, you see, Mr. Colin Fischer loves all kinds of sci-fi fantasy stuff. “I even watch Fringe,” he states, marking the notable exception that he never watched Angel. You wanna know why that’s funny? Because actor Joel David Moore was actually on Angel once, and even though he was in vampire makeup, I spotted him. That vamp had one line before Angel dusted him, and I instantly knew that the long, bony face under all that makeup belong to Moore. One of my chief joys in watching Angel at the moment is finding other actors that Borenaz has worked with turning up on the show. TJ Thyne has a small recurring role during Angel‘s 5th season, and you can’t imagine how cool that is to someone who only knows Thyne as Hodgins.

I really enjoyed this episode, perhaps because I am greatly amused by the kind of fandom that occurs at conventions (in fact, this episode aired during SF’s Wondercon, which I was too lazy to attend, even though the last event was a sing-a-long of “Once More, With Feeling”), and also because, like many great sci-fi/fantasy narratives, the murder of this poor Booth Babe had everything to do with a priceless weapon, an original prop sword used in one of the first fantasy epics to grace the silver screen, Mort D’Arthur. She had it, and someone killed her for it. The first suspect is Miss Valerie Daniels, a dominatrix, who makes Sweets delightfully uncomfortable when he questions her. After which, he realizes that it might be best to set a trap at the auction of said priceless sword to force the killer into revealing himself. Sweets takes up the mantle of the bidder and brings Fischer along as a camera man. Most excellent part of the auction, other than Miss Daniels hooking up with Mr. Colin Fischer? Spotting one of my favorite Amazing Race teams, Goths Kynt and Vyxen, as extras in the auction crowd! (Hi Kynt and Vyxen! I miss you guys!)

Sweets’ plan fails, though, and the highest bid goes to the Arthuria Consortium, the largest collection of Arthurian memorabilia in the world, but he does not go unnoticed by The Black Knight, who eventually runs Sweets and Bones off the road and tries to steal Excalibur from them. Bones bests him with her strong anthropological knowledge of swordplay, although I had hoped she would cut his legs off:

Fischer discovers the murder weapon, the Pear of Anguish, during a discussion of medieval torture implements he has with Miss Daniels post-coitus. The Pear, typically used on heretics and inserted into the organ that caused the sin (vagina, mouth, anus), was placed in the victim’s mouth and cranked open, crushing her jaw from the inside out. Although pleased he has found the murder weapon, Cam is ready to fire Fischer for sleeping with a suspect until Hodgins saves his ass. Judging by the way her assailant used his sword, Bones postulates that the only person who would have had as a thorough a knowledge of swordplay and know how to make authentic chain mail would be the blacksmith. He gave the dead Booth Babe the sword as a gift, but she wanted to sell it for rent money, not realizing its true value as a gift, which, to him, was a betrayal. He killed her, he claims, because he loved her so much.

In retrospect, that psychology doesn’t make any sense, but otherwise, this was a totally delightful, geeky episode.

4.15 “The Bones That Foam”

The hallucination-plagued David Boreanaz-helmed episode of Angel was weird and somewhat unsettling, but certainly filled with odd comedy, and I think with this episode, I’m starting to see a trend in terms of what Boreanaz likes to direct. This was one of Bones‘ lighter mysteries, involving a dead car salesman who works at gimmicky Jungle Jim’s, where all of the sales personnel have to wear safari uniforms and the shop has its own monkey mascot. While back at the lab, they’ve got their own share of comic scenarios when the bones start to foam and the lab gets put on lockdown. The team ends up racing against the clock when they realize that the bones are foaming because they are breaking down and they’ll need to solve the murder before they lose their evidence.

This is how Borenanaz looks when he directs.

This is how Borenanaz looks when he directs.

Once the bones are no longer under lockdown, Hodgins declares King of the Lab when he finds some strawberry lust dust on the victim’s body, indicating that he had been at a strip club before he died, which leads Booth and Bones to visit Miss Strawberry Lust and Bones buys Booth a lap dance so that they can talk to the girl, who, by the way, is a criminology major at Georgetown. Anthropologically speaking, Bones is so impressed with her seduction skills that she asserts that Miss Lust will surely be able to pay off her student loans very quickly. This is all part of Bones’ continued attempt to become better at interrogation and reading people, but she still can’t seem to shake her extremely logical side, completely failing at understanding humor in a later interrogation of one of the victim’s coworkers from the car dealership, who tells them that the victim gave all of his sales to his sick brother two months before he quit to work at another dealership, which brought her up to number one seller by default.

Meanwhile, not all goes well with the bones when Mr. Nigel-Murray finds out that they’re secreting hydrogen after accidentally setting them on fire. The hydrogen reaction is a byproduct of the bones breaking down their own calcium, so Hodgins tries to stop the process by coating them in an antacid, which works . . . until they petrify. From there, it’s up to Angela to digitally recreate the bones, which leads them to the murder weapon: tailor’s shears and, thus, the murderer, Chet’s wife, the seamstress, who killed her husband’s brother so that he wouldn’t blab about her affair with Jungle Jim – her way of helping Chet keep his job.

Funny lines from this one:

  • “I’m secreting adrenaline!” – Mr. Nigel-Murray
  • “You should stop using cartoons as a scientific reference.” – Bones
  • “What’s a sensitive way to say ‘murdered?'” – Bones
  • “I think it shows an innate lack of humanity, to push a monkey.” — Jungle Jim

4.16 “The Salt in the Wounds”

Desiccation, teenage pregnancy pacts, rehydrating flesh? This episode was all kinds of uncomfortable, and I once again have to point to this show’s amazing ability to pass very little judgment on controversial matters. While I look at a group of teenage girls who intentionally decided to get pregnant and raise their children together, I see crazy. But Bones? Bones sees a long-standing cultural tradition based in our hunter-gatherer roots where women of about that age often did the same thing. And while, from that perspective she’s correct, she also realizes that in a society where birth control is made very easy, there is something going against the cultural norm when a teenage girl gets pregnant. The most uncomfortable thing, though? Booth’s conversation with the loser stud-muffin who impregnated three of the teenage mothers, as well as the victim. I jumped out of my skin a little bit as Booth drove home a message about paternal responsibility by telling this poor boy that he has three children that he should want to be responsible for, because at any moment, their mothers could take them away from him. And worse? That his son died along with its mother. Fuck, dude, Booth lays it on thick! Which, in retrospect, is exactly the advice I would expect him to give, considering how much he lives for Parker. (This message brought to you by

Not much mystery in this one, but it was cool to watch Cam et al rehydrate the corpse to work with the living tissue, and to see the new Intern-of-the-Week get around Bones need to see the bones without compromising the flesh by making a giant digital X-ray. Also, Roxy breaks up with Angela because, even though Angela wants to get a dog, Roxy thinks she lives too in the moment and can’t sustain a real, long-lasting relationship. Although Bones accuses the new intern, a devout Muslim, of not understanding Angela’s relationship because it’s probably forbidden by his religion (I never expected her to hate religion quite as much as Dr. Gregory House, so that was odd to hear), he actually does something incredibly sweet by making her a break-up mix CD, filled with songs he listens to when he feels heart-broken. I like new intern. He’s very kind.

4.17 “The Doctor in the Den”

As Angela begins her foray into celibacy — a suggestion from Sweets about how to find alternative things to value in her relationships – Cam’s former fiancé turns up dead in a tiger enclosure in the zoo. She goes on a journey I never quite got into as she spends the episode trying to solve the murder and reconnect with the victim’s daughter, who Cam helped raise. Beautiful Dana Davis plays Michelle, but as good of an actress as she is, she doesn’t get much to do in this episode except shun Cam’s attempts to love her, which is perhaps why I found this plot so bland. Monique Coleman had more to do in her brief role in “Salt in the Wounds” as the pregnant best friend of the dead girl, so it was especially disappointing to see Dana Davis so underwritten. Pity. And because I wasn’t invested in Cam’s quest, I wasn’t invested in the mystery, either. In the end, though, Michelle does decide to live with Cam, only after Cam brings her half of the set of antique salt and pepper shakers she gave the girl when she left her father (because he could never love a woman as much as Michelle’s mother and was a habitual cheater, offed by a nurse who couldn’t handle that he saw other women besides her, the fate that always befalls cheaters). I hope to see more Dana Davis in the future on this show, possibly growing interested in forensic science and getting a Jr. Internship at the Jeffersonian? Surely, they’ll write her better then.

The Wife:

While overall I don’t feel this episode is as strong as last week’s, I’ve still yet to meet a Pushing Daisies episode that I don’t find delightful. I was especially pleased this week to get a backstory for one Emerson Cod. How great was it to see that his dear mother (and best friend) was a hardcore P.I. in her day who taught her lil’ gumshoe everything he ever needed to know about being a good detective? I really enjoyed her sudden reappearance in her son’s life as the two have this amazing dynamic that rivals that of Ned and Chuck. The mechanisms of their plot were very well played, too: Calista Cod returns under the guise of tailing a client in the area, but is really hanging around to spy on her son, whom she believes is trying to publish a tell-all pop-up book about what a terrible mother she is. This misunderstanding nearly ruins Emerson’s friendship with his mother, whom he had never told about the real reason for the pop-up book. All these years, Calista never knew she was a grandmother. As they patch things up after their fight, Calista suggests to her son that he change the story of his pop-up book. Lil’ Gumshoe in its current state is basically about young Emerson Cod and his wacky adventures with his crazy mother. Calista suggests that Emerson write a book that shows his daughter how great grown-up Emerson Cod is, to make her really want to come back.

I thought you loved me, but now I believe you think Im derranged if this pop-up book is any indication of your feelings.

I thought you loved me, but now I believe you think I'm deranged if this pop-up book is any indication of your feelings.

The issues Emerson and his mother have with their relationship – not knowing when to be friends, and when to be mother and son, and when to be business partners – is reflected in the case this week, in which a Frescort (a friend escort, or kind of rent-a-friend) turns up dead, and also in Chuck an Ned’s relationship, as well as Chuck and Olive’s. Emerson is paid a visit by two different clients claiming to know the dead man, which leads him, Ned, Chuck and Olive over to the Frescort company, My Best Friend, Inc. I’m very glad to see Olive join in on missions this week, and I’m also glad to see how full-tilt the production designers went when they designed the interiors for My Best Friend, Inc. The company, filled with bright sherbet-y colors, is run by one Buddy Amicus (Hayes MacCarthur, fiancé to Ali Larter of Heroes), a former high school jock who realized that he should help the friendless dweebs that he used to pick on after his football career ended. (I love the name Buddy Amicus, by the way. It’s so deliciously redundant.) Olive and Chuck, posing once again as Kitty Pims, go deep undercover as wannabe Frescorts to learn more about the inner workings of the company and some of the dead Frescort’s business associates. They meet the equally vivacious receptionist, Barb (Heroes‘ Dana Davis, doing more acting in this single episode then she ever got to do in her truncated arc on that show), who helps the girls until they discover that she was the “Downey” of whom the deceased Joe spoke: his girlfriend who only did the down segments of crossword puzzles so that he could do the across segments. Frescorts were not allowed to date, and Joe, the top-selling Frescort, was willing to quit his job to be with Barb.

Thoughout this mission, Olive and Chuck learn to put their mutual secrets and lies behind each other and be best girlfriends and roommates, like water under a bridge:

Olive: Look at all of those bridges!
Chuck: And all of that water flowing right under them.

That is, until Barb stuffs them in a locker together and they realize how much they still dislike one another, from the smell of Chuck’s freesia shampoo to Olive’s wardrobe choices:

Olive: I wish I’d never told you that smelled nice.
Chuck: I wish I’d never told you those capris made you look taller.

Meanwhile, Ned is missing Chuck something fierce and is noticeably jealous about her newfound friendship with Olive. As he and Emerson investigate Joe the Frescort’s death, Ned meets another man who is just as lonely and strangely gifted as he is, Randy Mann (David Arquette), Joe’s roommate who likes to taxidermy animals. (And has Joe’s appendix in a jar.) The two bond over the hard times they had making friends at school, until Ned learns of Randy’s hobby. Ned is at first appalled by Randy’s hobby, especially when Randy lends Ned his taxidermied golden retriever playing a guitar, but Randy reveals, unknowingly, that the two might be more alike than Ned would like to think:

“If you wanted to keep someone with you after they died, wouldn’t you?”

Who can take a canine, and stuff it full of fluff? The Randy Mann can!

Who can take a canine, and stuff it full of fluff? The Randy Mann can!

Ned responds no to this, not wanting to betray his strange gift, but later realizes that he and Randy are meant for each other, in a way, and are both deserving of real friendship – not the kind of friendship Randy tried to buy from Joe, who was Randy’s live-in Frescort. He later hosts a mixer for former clients of My Best Friend, Inc. at the Pie Hole, to help the lonely find some kindred spirits.

As for the case, when Barb turns up dead via the hug machine in Buddy’s office, Ned suspects Randy, who mentioned that he used to be a mascot in high school because he couldn’t play football like Buddy. In a scuffle, Chuck and Ned knock over Buddy’s old football uniform, which turns out to be worn by the dead body of high school football star Ares Kastopolos, whom Buddy, a loser who worshipped Ares in high school and donned the school’s Spartan mascot costume, killed after the team humiliated him when he accidentally cost them the state championships. Buddy spent years and lots of money on steroids to beef up and become the man he’d always worshipped, until the thought of losing his favorite and most valuable Frescort, whom he worshipped like Ares, drove him insane and murderous once again.

Ultimately, Chuck and Olive are forced to make up an learn to live together again, as Ned rejects Chuck’s offer to move back in on the basis that he needs to know more people in the world besides the girlfriend he can’t touch and his two coworkers, even though all he’s ever wanted to do is be her down comforter. “Selfishly, I want to duvet you right this second,” he says, but insists it’s better for both of them to not live together. Sweetly, Chuck shows up at Ned’s door wrapped in blankets and offers to be Ned’s down comforter for the evening, before dropping the blankets and revealing herself to him entirely.

It’s hard to overcome the adorableness that is that final scene, but I’m also glad this week that I can finally return to my list of Cute Things Chuck Wears to wrap up my posts:

  1. I haven’t looked into it yet, but the pink sweater she has on in the opening of this episode is adorable and very likely from Anthropologie.
  2. I am all about that orange print sheath she’s wearing in the morgue.
  3. I am also all about her yellow sweater with the rosettes around the collar.
  4. If someone gave it to me, I wouldn’t say no to Chuck’s white rose sheath that she wears to her Frescort interview.
  5. That Spanish-inspired dress she’s wearing at the Friends for the Friendless gathering is really gorgeous.

The Husband:

Since my wife stole the only line I actively came up with while watching Pushing Daisies last night – that Dana Davis did more acting in her first minute of screentime than she did during an entire season of Heroes – I don’t have much else to say about the episode. It’s a basic 3.5-out-of-4-stars – a small shock considering the show’s long line of 4-star extravaganzas – whose best quality was allowing Olive into the detective work that frames each episode and allowing her to not be such a pushover anymore.

No one really works here, do they?

No one really works here, do they?

I would like to say, though, that if they ever release a real-life version of Emerson Cod’s pop-up book Lil’ Gumshoe, I will buy it off Amazon before you can say “David Arquette is looking really grody nowadays.” It could go right next to my collection of Freaks & Geeks scripts and that sweet Six Feet Under book – both, I believe, were presents given to me by my sister – as well as Barney Stinson’s The Bro Code book, which hopefully is waiting on my home doorstep as we speak.

More shows should tie in books that fictionally exist on their respective shows. For instance, I never watched October Road, but I know it was about a novelist and screenwriter who wrote about his hometown. That would be a pretty sweet release for that cult that was really into a show that I heard was pretty goddamn awful.

What I’d really love is Hank Moody’s God Hates Us All from Californication, as well as the resulting shitty Hollywood screenplay adaptation Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Anyone else have any ideas to add to this list?