The Wife:

What a great character-driven episode, and what a great step forward for Glee. I loved Kurt’s arc and his fabulous dance performances in this episode. Caught dancing in a leotard (which wicks the sweat from his body) to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies,” Kurt tries to butch up for his dad by pretending he’s dating Tina and that he’s now the kicker on the football team. So, with Finn’s help, he “auditions” for the football team and manages to land the role of kicker simply by being able to deliver a Beyonce-fueled kick clear across the goal posts, something their previous kicker couldn’t do with or without the help of Beyonce.

But Kurt butching up for his dad isn’t the only thing hinged on McKinley High football. Quinn tells Finn that she’s pregnant (you know, from that time he came in the hot tub because he couldn’t think of hitting the mailman with his car fast enough), and that she’ll be keeping the baby. Finn, wanting to be a good guy and not just another “Lima Loser” like other teenage fathers he’s met, knows that if he wants to be able to support Quinn and their child, he’s got to get a football scholarship and go to college. The only problem is that the football team sucks. Hardcore.

Yeah . . . about that time we didn't have sex in the hot tub . . .

Yeah . . . about that time we didn't have sex in the hot tub . . .

Kurt suggests that the players loosen up by learning to dance, just as the Chicago Bears did with the Super Bowl Shuffle. I can tell you honestly that this isn’t just a myth, but that many professional athletes take dance lessons to improve their agility. Giants’s pitcher (and former Oakland A) Barry Zito used to regularly perform in the Nutcracker, and we’ve all seen how well athletes do on Dancing with the Stars. So, knowing that the football team’s reputation is on the line, Coach Ken Tenaka hands the team over to Kurt, who teaches them the “Single Ladies” routine.

But despite Finn’s heartfelt confession of his situation to Mr. Shuester and the goodness in his heart that inspires him to do right by Quinn, we all know its not possible for him to have fathered Quinn’s child, considering she’s the president of the celibacy club and they’ve never had sex. And Puck, our resident rakish, MILF-loving, pool cleaning lothario, knows that he is the only person Quinn has had sex with. Wanting her to admit what they’ve done, he spends the rest of the episode torturing her and Finn with his knowledge of the pregnancy. And Terri, learning of Quinn’s plight from her husband, sees a golden opportunity in it and sets in motion what will most likely become her plan to covertly adopt Quinn’s baby.

So with all this hanging in the air, McKinley High sets out to play football. At first, they get their asses handed to them, but with merely a second left on the clock in the fourth quarter, Finn takes a pregnant pause and calls a time out. He convinces his teammates that the only way they could possibly win now (and they so desperately need to — so they’ll have a chance at the championship, so they can get scholarships, so they can get respect) is to pull out their secret weapon play: Put a Ring on It. Rather than pass the ball immediately at the whistle, the whole team breaks out into the “Single Ladies” routine and confuses the hell out of the opposition. From there, they’re able to score a touchdown, which means that Kurt gets to be the hero of the game by scoring the winning extra point kick.

And all, it seems, is saved by the power of dance and the goodness of a little gay boy’s heart. I have to admit that I totally had tears in my eyes during Kurt’s final scene with his father in which he comes out to the man who has known all along, as all Kurt wanted for his third birthday was a pair of sensible heels. This scene, and Finn breaking down on Will’s shoulder totally got me.

Meanwhile, outside of the great parts of this episode described above, Sue has landed her own opinion segment on the local news and is speaking up for everything she believes in: caning, litter and so on. When the news station threatens to cancel her segment if the Cheerios continue to defect to the Glee Club, she reinvigorates her sabotage plans by blackmailing Principal Figgins (with his hilarious video from the time he was a steward for Mumbai Airways) to get Sandy back on campus as the school’s Arts Administrator. And Sandy’s first move as admin? Create a musical audition that will steal Rachel Barry away from Glee. Already jealous that Will wants to give Tina the West Side Story solo, Rachel readily takes the bait and when she sees that Will hasn’t changed his mind, she quits Glee Club for good.

It is a little disappointing how readily Rachel played into this scheme, but despite her seeming kindness and tendencies to be dumped upon by everyone, its also easy to see why she would be drawn to a place that wants her to have the star she so believes she deserves. A great arc for Rachel over the course of this season would be for her to realize that, sometimes, wanting what’s best for herself is a completely selfish act and that she should try to change those tendencies. Already, Will, Finn, Kurt and Quinn have grown and changed so much over four episodes, but Rachel, arguably the second lead, hasn’t.

I do think this was a wonderful episode, but I wish that the musical numbers had been better placed. Anything involving “Single Ladies” was great, but Rachel’s audition for Cabaret was not well-chosen or necessary, even if it was a “naturalistic” use of music. I was glad to hear Tina solo, but rather than the Rachel number, I felt like this episode needed to give Quinn or Finn a song to express what they’re going through. There certainly were moments where music could have worked, especially as Quinn ducks away to her car, in tears. I suspect she might have started singing along to a CD as she drove off, had Terri not been there to ambush her. Maybe the point was to break the expectations of the musical and not sing where we could all feel there should be singing? Or maybe, if Finn were to have a song, Ryan Murphy simply couldn’t get the rights to use Ben Folds’ “Brick?”

Stray thoughts and quotes:

  • “Is the baby black?” — Kendra, in horror, to her sister Terri before Terri reveals she’s not actually pregnant. What a great nod to Nip/Tuck, where Jessalyn Gilsig’s character actually did give birth to a black baby after spending the entire season making Julian McMahon’s Christian Troy believe it was his.
  • Dear sweet God, I absolutely need Emma’s baby blue sweater with the leaf detailing on the collar. This show is sweater heaven!
  • “To all those naysayers who say you can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with razor sharp bamboo sticks, I say, “Yes, we CANE.” — Sue
  • “My body is like a warm chocolate soufflé — if it isn’t warmed up properly, it doesn’t rise.” — Kurt, inadvertently also talking about his penis.
  • “Not everyone has the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I won’t rest until every inch of this state is covered in garbage.” — Sue
  • Anti-embolism stockings are hilarious.
  • “If I was out to get you, I’d have you pickling in a Mason jar on my shelf by now.” — Sue
  • I’m sorry, Kurt, but as good as you look in that leotard and sparkly vest, you will never look as good as Joe Jonas, who has thighs so delicious I want to eat them. (Don’t worry about the dancing. Just stare at his thighs.)

The Husband:

Fun fact that I learned in an interview with Chris Colfer, the actor who plays Kurt: the coming-out scene was very much based on the similar conversation Chris had with his own father when he was younger. He didn’t get into specifics, but I have a feeling that pretty much everything Mike O’Malley said, aside from the “sensible heels” line, was close to verbatim. It was sweet without going too schmaltzy, but it also didn’t let some of his father’s prejudices off the hook. This is clearly a major point in Chris’ life having grown up in a very conservative town just outside of Fresno, California, and I’m glad he could share that with us.

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The Wife:

Hi there, SYTYCD fans! I’m sure you wondered where I was last week, but I thought I’d wait until we had two audition cities to discuss before I posted about SYTYCD, just so we’d have more to talk about. I think it actually worked out for the better this way, because now I can start by pointing out SYTYCDers I spotted during the VMAs:

Tyce DiOrio was all up in Miss Jackson’s bidnass during the MJ tribute of “Scream.”

If you looked really closely behind the bleeding carcass of Lady Gaga, you would have noticed featured dancer Mark Kanemura being totally fucking awesome.

That means employment! These people don’t just fade into obscurity like non-signed Idol cast-offs! They actually get paid to dance!

I can also announce with sadness that every SYTYCD choreographer nominated for an Emmy this year lost to the “Musicals Are Back” segment from the Oscars. It’s kind of a bummer, but at least they didn’t lose to DWTS.

God, I hope I get it!

God, I hope I get it!

As for the fall season’s auditions, things started off in L.A. At least for L.A. and Phoenix, former contestants Anya Garnis and Pasha Kovalev put the dancers through the choreography round. Adam Shankman, who will be a permanent judge for the remainder of this season, assisted on the panel in L.A., while Mia Michaels joined in Phoenix.

Dancers of note:

Mollie Grey: She was a principal dancer in HSM 1-3 and moved out to L.A. with nothing because she’d outgrown her dance opportunities in Utah. Nigel likes her because she’s young and blonde and she gets a ticket to Vegas.

Bianca Revels and Ryan Kasprzak: Both tappers cut from the Top 20 return and have a wicked awesome tap battle. For some reason, the judges and Cat keep saying things like, “We’ve never had a tapper make it to the Top 20,” but this is a lie. In the first season, which I guess technically only had a Top 16, Sandra Colton was the first to be eliminated from the competition. She was, in fact, a tapper. She danced her way off the stage to Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.” Nonetheless, Bianca and Ryan traded taps and earned themselves two tickets to Vegas. Their battle was delightful, but Ryan’s performance art solo was even more so. I love that kid. I need him in the Top 20.

Amber Williams: Her mother is paralyzed, which is terrible but creates a nice juxtaposition for the grace with which her daughter dances. She earns a ticket to Vegas.

Alexie Agdeppa and Paula Van Outen (Oopen?): Both girls made it to Vegas last year, and then make it to Vegas again.

Christina the Salsa Dancer: Her popping section was rough, but her salsa sections were stellar. She gets a ticket to Vegas.

Phillip Attmore: Another tapper, Phillip toured with Ryan Kasprzak in a production of Fosse. I now know that Ryan has a happy face tattoo on his butt. I also know that Phillip is one smoove operator on the dance floor. Seriously, he’s great. His solo included more than just tap, so we know he can do things outside of his own style. Because of that, and his amazing pirouette, he earns a ticket to Vegas. Screw Bianca, I need Ryan and Phillip in the top.

Sasha Mallory: I really loved her audition piece because it was an entire performance with a through-line. She cries a lot, and the judges give her a ticket to Vegas.

Allison Becker: Allison is deaf from a bought of spinal meningitis when she was 16 months old. I don’t like her audition all that much, but its clear she has a lot of strength and muscle control, so the judges praise her for overcoming her deafness, dancing well and send her to choreo. She proves her mettle and winds up going to Vegas. I’d also like to note that, as far as a personality is concerned, I love that she’s cheeky and immediately said, “I’d be great,” when the judges asked how she’d be at choreography. And, as a linguist, I am very impressed at her speech abilities, having gone deaf so young. (I’m sure the hearing aid she wears helps.)

Same Sex Ballroom returns with national Same Sex Latin Ballroom champions Willem Des Vries and Jacob Jason. These guys are great, and the piece they choreographed is very strong and unmistakably masculine. Most importantly, by not compromising the masculinity of either dancer, they accurately displayed the passion between two male lovers the way traditional Latin dance displays the passion between opposite sex lovers. They get sent to choreo, and then go straight to Vegas.

Jonathan “Legacy” Perez: This breaker got mad skills, and, from the look of some of his moves, I bet he also does parkour. Nigel notes that he assisted Lauren Gottleib (who was part of Vocal Adrenaline on last night’s Glee) in the choreography rounds of last year’s auditions. They hem and haw for a bit, but ultimately realize he’s awesome and send him to Vegas.

Other people and stray thoughts:

  • Cole Clemmens’ totally terrible performance art audition actually made my night. In another context, I still think it would have been bad, but it was nonetheless enjoyable.
  • What’s with the reuse of the season 1 credits sequence? Where are my season 5 performance clips, damnit?
  • I love that Cat is the kind of woman who is incredible beautiful, but has no problem acting like a fool. The fact that she put on a tutu and danced with a ballerina in line was totally awesome.
  • It was very generous of the judges to let Biggie and Shortie go through to choreo in Phoenix. And by “very generous,” I mean they should have just thanked them for being entertaining and told them they weren’t right for the show before forcing them to do something they obviously couldn’t do.
  • Highly energetic Jarvis Johnson needs to become a go-go dancer at a gay club so he can just dance dance dance dance dance all night. He overdoes it in the choreo round, though, and collapses in an asthma attack. The good news is that he improves quickly, but he has to leave the competition, and that’s probably for the best.
  • Why doesn’t Cat have an Emmy for best host? When Jarvis collapsed, she rushed to his side and helped the paramedics. I know Phil Koeghan would do that, but I doubt that Jeff Probst would!
  • I was much more interested in Kelsey White’s jazz shoes than in her dancing. It is probably for the best that she didn’t make it to Vegas.

The Husband:

Ding dong, Edie is finally fucking dead. Thank whatever lord you have, because her constant story repetitions that serve no purpose other than to act as a cheap plot device for other, better plots have finally come to a close. No longer do we have to put her in all the promos as if she were one of the “housewives” despite contributing nothing to the series other than a plastic shell. Hell, she didn’t even feel like a housewife when she was, in all actuality, a wife this season to Creepy Dave.

Clearly, no one is all that moved by Edies death.

Clearly, no one is all that moved by Edie's death.

But the show isn’t done with her yet, at least not in this week’s episode, because for the first (and hopefully last) time, she takes over the Mary Alice role and became the narrator. As long as her mannish voice is gone next week, then I accept that this, an episode based solely on the housewives (plus Mrs. McClusky) reminiscing about Edie Britt. But if she sticks around in the ether, then I’ll be fucking pissed.

As the rest of the stories have been put completely on hold for the long van ride to Edie’s son’s boarding school, there isn’t really a whole lot to talk about. (Nope, no mention of Creepy Dave’s story, which directly caused Edie’s death.) Basically, Gaby and Edie had a very special night on the town that turned into a tender moment fueled by jealousy that Gaby got more free drinks at a bar than Edie did, Susan called out the new-to-the-neighborhood Edie for sleeping with a married man until Edie turned around and informed Susan of the terrible truth of Susan’s husband’s infidelity with another woman, Lynnette learned to battle cancer when Edie takes her to a biker bar (huh?), and Mrs. McClusky had a drink-fueled heart-to-heart with Edie about what it means to lose a child as opposed to giving one up.

The only memory I really and truly appreciated was Bree’s, which dealt with the years between last season and this season as it pertained to Orson’s incarceration. After being basically forced out of Wisteria Lane, Edie had taken to visiting Orson every so often in prison, not for sex but just because the prison was nearby and she needed a friend, and Bree was certainly not coming as often as she should…being Orson’s wife and all. The story filled in a couple emotional holes that seemed to positively gape when this flash-forward season started, so I’m glad that the writers took the time to at least address some Van De Kamp/Hodge drama.

There only five episodes left, so they’d better be nice and juicy.

…I can’t believe I just wrote “nice and juicy.” This is not good.

Over on Brothers & Sisters, everybody has sex on the brain (look at the episode’s title if you need help with that one), save for most of the children (thankfully offscreen) and the on-the-lam Tommy. (Although, technically, he is stranded in Mexico, so who’s to say Balthazar Getty is not getting some south-of-the-border va-hi-na or participating in a Double Indemnity-inspired murder plot concocted by Patricia Arquette twins.)

Let’s split this up into two sections.

Getting Laid

  • The newly reappointed-to-Ojai-Foods Sarah, who shares a quick office tryst with Cal the accountant/volunteer firefighter (Christián de la Fuente from Dancing with the Stars and…other stuff I don’t watch), only to find out the next day that he was a temp and she bought and wore that too-tight red dress for nothing.
  • …actually, she was the only one getting laid.

Not Getting Laid But Certainly Thinking About It

  • Kevin and Scotty, who are propositioned by Kevin’s closeted former lover Chad (Jason Lewis) to have a threesome with him, only to reject his very forward suggestion but still be hot-and-bothered enough to have a shirtless make-out session, only to be interrupted by the just-banged-by-a-temp Sarah. (Jason Lewis, after playing a model/actor on Sex and the City and a soap opera actor on House, stretches his performance abilities to play…an actor.)
  • Ryan The Missing Walker continuing to lust after Rebecca, despite making it so obvious in mixed company that Rebecca’s estranged father warns her of this creepy boy’s total creep factor.
  • Nora, who is suddenly revisited by architect Roger Grant, who has informed her that his open relationship with his London-based wife (a set-up that turned Nora off) has turned into no marriage at all, so now he only has eyes for her.
  • Kitty, who is watching her marriage completely fall apart (despite Robert’s affidavit, signed by his doctor, that his heart is finally okay enough to survive a bout of passionate lurrrrrvin’), is starting to really feel fondness for Alec the single father, who brings her treats at the playground their children use every day. Watch out, Kitty – his brother is a lawyer who can see the future via musical numbers (or however one is to describe Eli Stone’s “powers”).
  • Justin, who is trying to either find a way to restart his relationship with Rebecca or at least find closure, neither or which really happens.

Other than the knowledge that Tommy, despite having all charges dropped against him, still doesn’t want to come back to his family and relatives in the United States, not a whole lot of story progress was made this week, but it was definitely an entertaining way to come back to the Walker clan after several weeks off the air.

The Wife:

Hey, people who watch Desperate Housewives and stuff! Question! Is “Look Into Their Eyes and You’ll See What They Know” the first DH episode that draws it’s title from Sondheim lyrics rather than song titles? Because that song is “Ladies Who Lunch” from Company. Here! Watch the brilliant Anna Kendrick perform it in Camp!