The Wife:

Something weird happened towards the end of the last season of this show. By which I mean, the show actually became imminently watchable. And when the new 90210 became watchable, that’s when I said I wasn’t going to come back and watch the second season.

Well, guys, it turns out that I was wrong, and the CW sucked me back in. As I don’t have classes until Sept. 30, I have nothing better to do then watch a perfectly fine hour of soapy teen television. The only bummer is that I can’t really mock the show anymore. But then again, maybe I just have to learn to write about it in a different way.



For instance, I don’t have much to say about the premiere of season 2 because there wasn’t really anything objectionable about it. It’s improved on so many levels. I find Adriana’s quest to be a normal person very relatable, and I get that seeing mommies happy with her babies would take her back a bit to what she recently gave up. Putting Naomi in bed with an older man (and the complications that will arise from this act) is a high-stakes plotting move, and, though the way it played out in this episode was obvious, I think it has a lot of potential further down the line. Annie’s out-of-control spiral looks incredibly promising, as does new troublemaker Teddy, who seems to complicate everybody’s lives. Let me break that down:

  • He was Adriana’s first lover, so Navid is instantly jealous.
  • He’s really cute, but because he was with Aid, Naomi can’t date him.
  • But that doesn’t matter, because he apparently wants Silver.
  • He finds Silver’s phone filled with texts from Ethan, and blurts that out in front of Dixon, causing her to lose both men in one fell swoop.
  • On the plus side, he does kind of save Navid’s cabana-stealing ass by throwing out his daddy’s name to appease angry beach club-goer Elizabeth Rohm (Angel), who also happens to be the wife of Naomi’s older lover.
  • P.S. He saw Annie commit her hit and run.

That shit is, like, Gossip Girl complicated, yo!

Even stylistically, this new season is full of promise. I love Silver’s new hair and have to admit that even though I’ve been growing mine out, I love her haircut so much that I am strongly considering getting it cut like hers. Silver has the cutest one-piece swimsuits in the world. I like the new opening credits. Everyone’s makeup and clothing looks more expensive, less thrown together out of Forever 21, more culled from Nordstrom and Bloomingdales. These are all good things. I’ll even throw a bone to Adriana’s extensions, which I think make Jessica Lowndes look far too much like Courtney Cox, but which I also can’t deny are a good look.

On a Dustin Milligan related note, from his work on 90210, I’d have had no idea the kid was a good actor, but he gives one hell of a funny performance as a boneheaded gigolo in Mike Judge’s Extract. Now that I know he isn’t a pod person, I wish he were still around on 9fneh. The potential was there, but no one ever figured out how to use it. I just hope Ethan is at peace, fly fishing his days away in Montana. And now I’m thinking about A River Runs Through It. And now I might cry a little bit, because that movie is amazingly gorgeous.

Aaaaaaaand . . . I can’t believe it took the writers until season 2 to make a “Hi-ho, Silver!” joke. Really. That should have happened ages ago.

So, it looks like you’ve hooked me, 90210. But I have managed to cleverly resist Melrose Place by TiNoing it. And every time I think about watching it, I find a better way to spend those 42 minutes. Like writing this, for instance.

The Wife:

Oh, 90210! You are ridiculous! This finale was all the fuck over the place, but it was so fucking nutzo that I think it was actually pretty good. Here’s “9 Final Things About This Week’s 90210:”

1. Adriana. Probably the show’s most realistic and moving scene to date: Adriana, post emergency C-section, can’t even look at her newborn daughter because she knows that if she does, she won’t be able to give her up. She eventually does come around to holding her, and then, when somewhat overeager adoptive parents Greg and Leslie arrive, it’s absurdly hard for her to let go. You got me a little bit there, 90210. Great performance by Jessica Lowndes in this episode. I’m so glad they promoted her to a series regular.

2. “Have you met my dragon?” Before Adriana could come to the realization that she needed to say goodbye to her child before giving it up for adoption, though, we had to witness a super-trippy dream sequence in which she imagines that Brenda has returned from playing Cleopatra in China to hang out with her, rather than saying goodbye to her dying father. You see, Adriana and Brenda are a lot alike . . . however . . . I still don’t really understand why Brenda or Kelly are actually Adriana’s friends. I can kind of get that Kelly, a bleeding heart guidance counselor, thinks her duties extend to the delivery room, but Brenda? Other than tossing Aid into rehab, I’m not really sure why they’re, you know, friends. Anyway, what I learned from this is that apparently, the school production of Anthony and Cleopatra did happen, we just never got to see it. Also, “Have you met my dragon?” is the greatest segue into unveiling a completely unnecessary Chinese dragon ever.



3. Post-Prom-a-Palooza. I don’t know what was most impressive about Principal Wilson’s school-sponsored post-prom party. Was it the a capella group singing Stephen Foster tunes? (Hell, yeah, “Beautiful Dreamer”! Sing “Swanee River” next! Sing it!) Was it the fact that there were so many people in attendance? Was it the fact that nearly half the people in attendance were wearing my favorite tee shirt in the whole wide world right now, “One party can ruin your whole summer?” No, no. It was clearly the fact that someone laced the brownies with weed, totally rendering Moms and Pops Wilson stoned out of their minds when they head to the hospital to visit Adriana and her baby. I kind of loved Rob Estes crazy-eyes. Like, loved them enough to think he’d make a good guest star serial killer on Criminal Minds, following in the footsteps of one totally awesome C. Thomas Howell. I also kind of loved the fact that they were so afraid to drive (let alone incapable of getting their shit together) that they couldn’t go look for their lying children . . . so they just stayed in the hospital waiting room all night and never went home. Lord knows I’d have made fast friends with those lush waiting room couches myself if I’d come across some edibles at Post-Prom-a-Palooza. Mmmm . . . couches.

One pot brownie can ruin your whole summer.

One pot brownie can ruin your whole summer.

4. Post Prom at Villa Clark. Because Pheobe’s party gets shut down by Pops Wilson, Naomi offers to host the party at her new digs, only to abandon it altogether to be by Aid’s side and put Annie in charge. I would have probably, oh, I dunno, just cancelled the party. But that’s just me. Thinking practically!

5. Love triangle #1. While Dixon starts to doubt his relationship with Silver, Ethan assures him that the very things that he doesn’t like about her on prom night are the things that make her Silver the other 364 days of the year. Later, Silver comes to question Ethan about his thoughts on her relationship with Dixon, and he assures her that they’re good together. But after switching jackets with Dixon (where Ethan has stowed a lovely prom portrait of Silver) and getting caught watching Silver jump in the pool in her prom gown, Dixon realizes Ethan’s got a thing for his girl, and, rather than getting into a fight that might involve a way to kill off Dustin Milligan, they just kind of stare each other down. Silver totally has no idea what’s going on, but Ethan solves that by later sucking her face off when she tries to stop him from leaving. Is Dustin Milligan not leaving the show? Because this is the kind of plotline you set up when someone isn’t leaving, not when you plan on killing them off during their summer in Montana. I never read any correction to that bit of casting news, so perhaps I’ve been watching this entire season incorrectly looking for ways to kill off Dustin Milligan. Dunno. Anyway, is a major break up a really good thing to do to Silver right now, guys? I mean, she is bipolar. She can’t be in high-energy situations. Or she’ll go crazy! At least, that’s what her sister seems to think.

6. Love triangle #2. Although Liam opened up to Naomi about his past (chiefly, it seems, how his mother used to be a maid and married up . . . because that’s oh-so-shameful), she is so excited about this breakthrough that she tells her sister all about it. Jen uses this information to sleep with Liam by pretending to be Naomi’s neighbor and saying that Naomi just blurts all this stuff to anyone. When Naomi comes home, she finds Liam putting his clothes back on and immediately wants to know who he’s been with. He won’t tell her, because he’s a tool, and she goes on a hell rampage when she finds Annie’s gaudy faux-fur wrap on the floor that Jen stole. Then Jen enters and tells Liam she’s Naomi’s sister, he calls her a bitch, and she’s like, “Well, duh.” Later, a none-the-wiser Naomi cries on her bitch sister’s lap as Liam is taken from his bed in the middle of the night and shipped off to military school. This is a much better love triangle than love triangle #1.

7. Best transition ever? Lori Loughlin enjoying a brownie with a vigorous “Mmmm!” to Adriana experiencing contractions with a hardcore moan. Genius.

8. Everyone at WestBev is a douche. As soon as the post-prom party at Pheobe’s house is cancelled, everyone starts calling Annie a rat, which is way less clever than whomever came up with Benedict Annie. But Annie takes pity on Phoebe when she finds her vomiting in Naomi’s bathroom and offers to drive her home. However, when she gives this alibi to Naomi when questioned about why her wrap was on the floor if she didn’t sleep with Liam, Naomi doesn’t believe her because Pheobe, like everyone else, hates Benedict Annie. Seeing how angry Naomi is, everyone quickly turns on Annie, who up until this point had been cleaning up after their drunk asses and getting them drink refills, calling her names of the rat variety and even tossing drinks in her face because she went to prom with someone she had no intention of dating thereafter. AnnaLynne McCord uses her absolute best bitch-face here and screams at Annie to get the fuck out of her house, leading to the most amazingly awful (but bold!) acting choice Shenae Grimes has ever made. Benedict Annie steps outside the doors, grits her teeth, makes a bunch of guttural noises whilst shaking her fists in the air before fumbling around with her cell phone and becoming the person those WestBev douches wanted her to be: the rat who calls the cops on their party.

9. Final scene. Wait, did Annie hit someone while driving drunk? I’m totally confused because I saw no hitting. Alls I know for sure is that the other car that didn’t look like it got hit at all had a WestBev sticker on it. As I don’t plan on watching this show next year, I guess I’ll never know.

Nonetheless, crazy shit happened, so, um, good finale, 90210! I wish you the best of luck in your future, because Lord knows the CW needs you to survive.

The Husband:

Sorry honey, you’re going to be watching the next season with me come this fall, because that was a damn good finale, and you know you cannot resist. Especially now that the vastly superior Privileged has bit the dust, how else are you going to get your non-GG high school bitch fix?

As for the final scene, Annie did definitely hit something, although we never saw it. It was supremely awkward how it was set up and then not paid off, but my guess is that if Dustin Milligan is off the show next year, then she hit him. It’ll create some major friggin’ drama next season, that Annie killed her ex-boyfriend whom she stole from Naomi, all while having a gigantic bottle of booze in the car after being laughed out of a party. That’s some crazy shit right there.

Good finale? No. Great finale. Everything that has worked about this season found its way into this episode, and none of the bad stuff decided to stick around. Jen’s betrayal was cruel enough to turn her into a great villain, Liam’s violent kidnapping was brutal enough to actually inspire pity in me, Annie’s downfall was juicy enough to last a long time, and Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes were funny enough to get me through all the pregnancy scenes, ones I had been dreading after having already gone through that drama on SLOTAT.

(You want to see Lori Loughlin be as hilarious in something else? Pick up the recently DVD-released Keanu Reeves comedy The Night Before. She plays bitch like nobody’s business. Then follow it up with the sweeter C. Thomas Howell starrer Secret Admirer. That’s right – two C-Bombs in one article!)

Whatever. I’m there next season. This show has become a can’t-miss in its recent weeks, and I’m not going to let that go. It’s a good thing I’ll be working from home this fall instead of chained to my office computer 40 hours a week.

The Wife:

Official: 90210‘s prom was much more prommy than Gossip Girl‘s prom. Let me count the ways! “9 Promtastic Things About This Week’s 90210“:

1. Principal Wilson’s Zero Tolernace Policy. I totally love the video he forced Annie to do to promote his anti-afterparty stance. What else do I love? His message tee: “One party can ruin your whole summer.” Since, you know, anyone caught at an after-prom party serving booze will automatically get summer school, regardless of any alcohol they consume. Silly!

2. Annie’s Geek. Because Liam thinks Annie is a volcano, she accepts when a geeky kid asks her to prom. Later, at prom, when he asks if she’d like to go on another date, she tells him she’s just not interested and that she said yes to his request because it seemed like he really wanted to go with her. Geek mad! Geek yell! Geek would have rather gone with someone else! Geek narcs on Annie to stupid girl who broadcast her afterprom party in earshot of Principal Wilson and stupid girl then yells at any! Prom hath no fury like a geek scorned. Especially a geek in an adorable skull bowtie. (Although, really, if I didn’t have a date to a dance, I would go with someone who wanted me to go with them because I like going to those things and dressing up. Why would anyone have a problem with going to a dance with a girl they like? Even if she isn’t planning to date them afterward? It’s just a dance, not

3. Jen’s spending habits. When Naomi can’t buy three prom dresses because her AmEx Black is maxed out thanks to Jen putting all of the house furnishings and a couture dress to be Matthews’ date to prom on it, Naomi confronts her sister about her spending and she admits to lying about having no money. Well, almost. She tells Naomi she made some bad investments, but that the market is bound to turn around and so she won’t live off her sister forever. And why didn’t she tell Naomi about this? Because she didn’t want her little sister to take care of her . . . except that’s exactly what happened. What? I love Jen because she’s a sociopath, but that argument makes no sense.

At least she looks fierce.

At least she looks fierce.

4. “Poker Face. ” I can’t decide if it was brilliant or idiotic to use that song to highlight Silver’s pre-prom anxiety.

5. Ethan. So, he got accepted to the American Lacrosse Special Jock Summer Training Camp thing, which would be really good for him to do because college scouts will be there. But he doesn’t want to do it. And he doesn’t want to go to prom. Silver convinces him to be excited about at least one of those things and join her and Dixon at prom, but he turns down the lacrosse thing to spend the summer in Montana with his dad. Look, I know he’s not coming back next year, but every time he makes a strange decision, I assume he is one step closer to dying in some horrific way or killing himself. I partially expected him to kill himself at prom. But that’s too dramatic for 90210. He’ll probably just die quietly over the summer, eaten by a bear in Montana like that dude from Grizzly Man. Or, in a less grisly alternative, he’ll love the wilderness so much that he’ll decide to stay in Montana and fly fish every day. Oh, God, now I’m thinking about A River Runs Through It and getting misty. DAMNIT!

6. Navid takes on Ty. And, really, nothing breaks up a fight between your baby daddy and the dude who wants to marry you like going into labor. Perfect timing, Adriana!

7. Kelly’s beef with Jen Clarke. Sooooo . . . Jen hates Kelly not because Jen is now sort-of seeing a dude Kelly slept with once and has apparently never dated again (good job with that storyline, RRKS), but because, back when Jen was in high school, she stole a girl’s term paper and passed it off as her own! Le scandale! What’s more, Kelly wrote her an un-recommendation for Princeton because of that incident in which she assessed that Jen was a narcissist and a sociopath who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted. But, you see, Princeton let her in anyway because she was student body president and had good grades and was rich and shit. Also: who the fuck would even ask a guidance counselor for a letter of recommendation? That is the most insane part of that story for me.

8. Liam admits he likes Naomi. After basically spending prom ignoring her and listening to his iPod, he admits he likes her when they explore the backlot and they make out in the conveniently falling snow on a New York stoop. I only care in the sense that I wish I’d been to a high school dance held at Paramount Studios. Because that’s super awesome.

Id also like to not have plastic on my hands!

I'd also like to not have plastic on my hands!

9. Silver for Prom Queen! Ummmmmmmmmmmm! Best speech ever! The old Silver is back! Her write-in for Prom Queen was all part of Dixon’s scheme to get her back to WestBev by proving that everyone still liked her, and it worked, because she also realized that she didn’t want to conform to be liked. Rather than squeezing her feet into Cinderella shoes, she wholeheartedly admitted that she wanted to feel her toes. Best line ever. Best metaphor ever. Too bad Dixon thinks she hates everything he loves now. That dude has gotta stop taking things that don’t mean anything to heart. I mean, jeez, she still went to prom FOR YOU, dawg.

The Husband:

I’ve been on most of the major lots in the Los Angeles area, save for ABC/Disney, and I can say that without question, Paramount is my absolute favorite. While Warner Bros. is too sprawling and 20th Century Fox is too tight (CBS Television City, CBS Studio City, Raleigh and Sony/MGM all fall somewhere in the middle in varying levels amongst many others), Paramount is just right. It’s not too intimidating, but the soundstages also stay very close together so as to give it a very cool community aspect, as if you could wander past several different worlds much better than anything WB can cook up. (Although, at WB, knowing that ER and Gilmore Girls were mere feet from each other was pretty gnarly.) In fact, I did that very thing at Paramount, as I wandered away from a slate press junket to walk past open soundstages, seeing, within a few short minutes, much of the sets for the Lemony Snicket film. And yet, I also know that former UPN-now-CW shows were close by. And so while it’s kind of absurd that the prom would be there, it’s fine that they didn’t even bother to pretend like they don’t film 90210 there.

Hooray for backlots!

Hooray for backlots!

And that backlot is so much less claustrophobic than that at Fox, which you see pretty much every week on How I Met Your Mother. (Yes, it’s a CBS show, but it films at Fox. Creative vs. distribution studio wars are too complicated to get into right now.)

The Wife:

What’s been happening over at West Beverly this week? Here are “9 Random Things About This Week’s 90210.”

1. Adriana’s Baby Shower. I though Naomi was going to stand by and be the voice of reason here (which is . . .  odd), but eventually she gave in and decided to throw her friend a combo baby/bridal shower. I’ve never had a baby shower (or been to one, actually), but I’ve never seen a bridal shower quite so corny. First of all, why was Angela Gots there? Who invites their teachers to bridal/baby showers? Second of all, those toilet paper dresses were way too meticulous to have been made at a bridal shower, because shit made out of toilet paper at bridal showers is always haphazard and intended to be as hideous as possible. This is a bridal shower, not Project Runway. That said, I thought serving lemonade in baby bottles was a totally cute touch that I will steal when I host a baby shower for someone.

Because a Baby on Board sign is the epitome of class.

Because a "Baby on Board" sign is the epitome of class.

2. Best insult ever? “Your mom’s a soap opera actress.” Thank you, Naomi. I’ll be using that one.

3. Jen Clark. It is now apparent that Jen is basically leeching off her sister when she admits to Matthews (on their strange date) that she burned through her million dollar trust in two months. So what appears to be goodwill (such as asking Daddy to give Naomi half of her trust now so she and Jen can buy a house and live together) is actually just a clever way to keep living above her means in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed. Sneaky. Bitchy. Sneaky.

4. But even so, Jen’s a pretty cool big sister for all her sneaky bitchiness. Maybe even because of it. The moment where she gets her sister’s bully questioned for shoplifting was pretty awesome. Jen is not to be trifled with.

5. Matthews’ novel. Vermillion Steed is a terrible title, and writing novels does not impress rich girls, even if they say they hang with Jonathan Safran Foer. Foer doesn’t want to read your shitty book, and neither do I.

6. Navid’s mom. As another person in this universe with her head on straight, she shows up at Adriana’s party to beg her to reconsider raising her baby. (An appeal from your boyfriend’s mom is apparently a lot more convincing than Naomi’s insistence on not missing out on affairs with unshaven Italian men who cook puttanesca, though I don’t understand why, as puttanesca is, in fact, not to be missed out on.) I was deeply concerned for Adriana’s automatic reaction to being faced with adversity, though: downing some random pills from the nearest medicine cabinet. Although only two, which is hardly enough to fuck up your fetus, but still not good.

7. Navid’s Bachelor Party. A manic pixie dream sorority girl tells Navid not to get married after she strips with him onstage. Liam steals wallets and credit cards for fun. Dixon gets wasted. Why?

8. Ethan’s island speech. Yes. People are islands and relationships are bridges. Thank you, wise Ethan, for helping Silver realize she needs to learn the meaning of compromise and just go to the damn prom. Nothing makes you less bipolar than wearing a sparkly tiara.

9. Aid’s decision to give up her baby for adoption. Sane, logical, correct. Thanks for disembarking from the freight train to totally ripping off SLOTAT. I do, however, find it very sweet that Navid still wants her to wear her engagement ring, even though they’re not getting married now.

Also, according to Liam, Annie is a volcano. “And who doesn’t want to see a volcano explode?” Uh, people living near them? Hawaiians? People who died in Pompeii? Plus, we have volcano and island metaphors in this episode? What geologist just found his or her way to the CW to try a hand at screenwriting? Weird!

The Wife:

I present you with “9 Things About This Week’s 90210, Some of Which Are Clearly Stolen from Other Shows and Others of Which Were Clearly Not Thought About Beforehand.”

1. 90210 and Rebecca Rand Kirshner Sinclair, I am calling you on your bullshit. Please stop stealing plot threads from Brenda Hampton shows. This week’s episode opened with a fantasy sequence in which Navid and Adriana discuss the possible future life for her baby, with Navid as a surrogate dad. They imagine names and places they’ll live and how they’ll negotiate being about to finish high school and raise the baby, which of course hinges on the help of Navid’s parents. Navid has got to calm it the fuck down with the baby fever because on this show, he doesn’t seem sweet, he seems fucking crazy. I have to compare their relationship to Ben and Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager because a.) that show predates this one and b.) however silly SLOTAT may sometimes be, I have always, always found the relationship between Amy and Ben to be grounded and relatable. Ben’s desire to love Amy and help her raise her baby is founded in his own need to connect and love since the loss of his mother and he is utterly sincere in his pursuits, even though they may be naïve. But Navid doesn’t seem to recognize how naïve his suggestions are, and how insane his enthusiasm sounds. It’s making it easier and easier for me to conflate the terrorist Michael Steger played in the beginning of this season of Criminal Minds with Navid himself, and that’s really weird. (And yes, I thought of Shemar Moore chasing him to his death in a subway tunnel when he airplaned food into Baby Habib’s mouth. Because I’m a horrible person.) I buy Ben’s enthusiasm for Amy’s child, also, because his suggestions to help her care for it never seem like he’s forcing her to make decisions that he likes, but because Adriana just seems to go along with everything Navid says (why, I don’t know), there’s something significantly less grounded about their relationship because of her inability/refusal to think for herself and weigh her options. She totally just goes along with his whole “Let’s tell my parents your pregnant and we’ll get them to help care of the baby because we’re Persian and that’s what we do!” scenario without ever questioning it, and I can’t believe that’s a plausible reaction for a 16 year old pregnant girl to have.

2. And in regards to the aforementioned scene with Navid’s parents, it was actually pretty amusing to watch it play out exactly as he said it would (first shock and horror, then complete acceptance when he suggests they get a nanny because “family takes care of family”) . . . until, of course, he mentions that the baby isn’t his. At which point, his parents refuse to let him marry Adriana and raise that child in their home, which is a perfectly reasonable reaction when your son has gone crazy. Their explanation as to why Aid can’t become his wife sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and a very SLOTAT-ish warning. It doesn’t mean he can’t date Adriana and help her take care of her child, it just means that, at 16, it’s probably not a wise idea to legally tie yourself to a woman who is months away from birthing a child that isn’t yours. Being legally entrenched in that kind of situation is really difficult should any baby daddy drama arise. And Navid’s mom is also right about this: her son’s heart is in the right place. Because although I think he’s kind of nuts now, he is being very gallant. Good scene, 90210!

3. But, of course, Navid is actually crazy, and decides to propose to Aid anyway, turning his back on his family. Heeding Naomi’s advice, though, Adriana hesitates to accept the proposal with his pawn shop ring because she hasn’t told him who her child’s father actually is . . . which is a seriously good thing to know, considering potential baby daddy drama mentioned in my second point! And when she tells him it’s Ty Collins, well, he flips out. He leaves, and returns to yell at her, then leaves again, and returns again and so on to the point where his opening and closing the door was no longer dramatic but funny. If you want me to take them seriously, 90210, you need to treat it seriously. The door thing would have worked once or twice. But four or five times was too many. I’m also not sure his reaction was entirely appropriate for the situation, given that he isn’t being cuckolded in any way, and yet was acting as though he was. True, she shouldn’t have kept the father’s identity from him, and he should be upset about that, but not so upset as to abuse that poor door! In the end, though, he still puts that ring on her finger and demands that she never, ever take it off. Which is sweet. See? His heart’s in the right place!

4. Naomi. She’s also insane and completely in denial about the fact that Liam is a douchebag. I’m glad Annie called him on his shit on that double date she was forced into, and I really don’t care if he asked her out because he genuinely liked her or to prove to Naomi he’s a douchebag, because he’s a douchebag and no one should date him. But power to Annie for her actions. And for rocking that Ella Moss dress Naomi gifted her.

5. Naomi is a terrible, ungrateful houseguest so it’s a good thing for the Wilsons that she has a sister we’ve never fucking heard of that clearly was something the writers had never before thought of to bail her out of their father’s “Dionysian Debacle.” Also, her sister is a bitch and I see where she gets it from.

WestBev: so gauche.

Why didn't we ever know, with all of Naomi's family problems, that she had a sister?

6. Silver at St. Claire’s. Why is she so shocked that people pray aloud in Catholic school? That’s kind of what going to a religiously affiliated private school is like. Did she simply not think of that at all?

7. Paige Howard. By the way, I attended Catholic school for 13 years of my academic life, and I never, ever met anyone like Paige Howard’s character. I certainly had friends who were more pious than others (including myself), but none so horrible as to sweetly demand that someone come clean about their past in order to get right with God or whatever. Certainly, most of the people I know who went to Catholic school are so much more intensely strange and wholly un-pious than what Paige Howard is supposed to represent. Basically, all the kids I know from Catholic school are really fucked up. And that’s why I love them and we’re all still friends today. (And yes, Paige Howard is Ron Howard’s daughter.)

8. Catholic School is no different than Public School. I mean, really. Rumors are going to swirl and people will call you a slut if you make an Internet sex tape with your boyfriend, regardless of what school you go to. Hell, rumors are going to swirl even if you don’t make an Internet sex tape with your boyfriend. That’s just what high school is like, and I don’t know why Silver expected changing schools would make it any different. Hasn’t she watched Buffy? High school is hell. Literally and metaphorically.

9. Naomi’s sister we’ve never heard apparently slept with Ethan. Is Naomi going to kill him when she finds out? I would love a death at the prom, so I really hope that happens.
Oh, and a special shout out to Jessica Lowndes hair, which looked amazing throughout this entire episode.

The Wife:

Guess what, everyone? It’s Spring Break on 90210! And what does that mean? A whole bunch of weird plots that totally don’t go together! Here’s “9 Things of Some Nature About This Week’s 90210.”

1. First of all, I am extremely concerned with this show’s depiction of bipolar disorder. How can you partner yourself with the Bipolar Kids foundation in one episode, and then go to this episode where Kelly spends the whole fucking thing coddling Silver like she has any number of disorders that aren’t bipolar? She can’t have cookies because there’s too much sugar in them? Um, Kelly? That’s diabetes you’re thinking of. She can’t help Donna on the red carpet because the paparazzi will be too much for her to handle? Um, I think you are mistaking bipolar disorder for epilepsy, where the repeated flashy bulbs might give her a seizure. She can’t have too much excitement in her life? Why? Is she suddenly incontinent and she’ll pee herself a bit? She can’t meet with Dixon for too long? Why? Because love or sexual stimulation will somehow destroy her brain, which is now perfectly balanced due to the miracle of modern chemistry? What the hell, 90210?

2. Habitat for Humanity trip to Santa Barbara! Having lived in Santa Barbara County for four years and having worked for a local paper there, if I can be pretty particular about its use in popular media. I have no problem with Matthews taking his class up to “Chumash country” to build houses for those whose homes were destroyed in the California wildfires. My issue is this: the most recent spat of wildfires in that area destroyed homes in Montecito. You know, where rich people live. It is terrible to lose your home to a natural disaster, to be sure. But I guarantee you the residents of such a tony community have fire insurance and are well able to purchase or build a new home for themselves. Let’s look at Habitat for Humanity’s mission:

“More than 1,500 Habitat for Humanity affiliates are at work in the United States, building houses in partnership with people in need of decent, affordable housing. Habitat houses are purchased by families at prices affordable to low-income Americans, thanks to the donated labor of Habitat volunteers, the support of partner organizations and the no-profit, no-interest terms of each U.S. Habitat for Humanity mortgage.”

This plot should have taken place in an area of California that would have actually served to further Habitat’s mission, because rebuilding homes in Montecito isn’t really part of the H4H mission. Would it have hurt the script advisors to, say, not go to SB County? To go to another affected area in SoCal that would actually demonstrate what H4H does? I just had a bit of trouble with the disconnect between the show’s reality and actual reality with this one. Nonetheless, though, spending your spring break building homes for ANYONE without a home is a good thing, and I hope more kids decide to go out and do it because of this.

3. Especially if Peyote Coyotes are involved! Sweet Lord, Ethan’s faux-peyote trip was the fucking funniest thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Just this exchange was priceless:

[Ethan sees a the world’s biggest coyote!]
Ethan: Whoa, look at that coyote!
[Cut to Liam, who clearly doesn’t see anything.]
Liam: What coyote?

Then they started talking about super-trippy deep shit about Ethan’s life and his random current crisis and I seriously thought that Liam was going to MURDER HIM IN THE WOODS. I mean, really, wouldn’t this have been the greatest set-up to kill off Dustin Milligan’s character ever? I thought so. But then Liam fell down and twisted his ankle and revealed to Ethan that he was never tripping on peyote at all. So Ethan punched him in the face. Not what I expected, but still great. I’m so going to name a band Peyote Coyote. Also, don’t drop acid or you’ll try to cut your arm off. True story. Happened to Liam.

4. The Return of Donna. This was all just really confusing for me, because, not having seen the original show, I kept thinking that Donna was functionally retarded in some way. No human being talks or acts like Donna Martin, and, really, who shows up from Japan at a friend’s door without calling and warning them that you’d be arriving. That’s just rude. And it’s certainly not a habit she picked up in Japan because they are a people of institutionalized politeness.

5. Donna’s Japanese. And because of that institutionalized politeness, no one in Japan has ever bothered to tell Donna that her Japanese is horrible.

6. Diablo Cody! First of all, Diablo, you are very, very pretty with red hair. It suits you much better than the black bob you used to have. Second of all, I like the work you’ve had done on your sleeve! Thirdly, I’m so not going to pick on your acting at all because you yourself said you were disappointed in your performance in your EW column. You’re a writer, not an actor. And that’s totally cool with me. However, you did deliver the line “I once knew a stripper named Crusty Pukefest” perfectly. And I liked that you actually have a hamburger phone.

Its also a Hamburger PDA!

It's also a Hamburger PDA!

7. Donna’s designs. So, Diablo Cody may be a little bit presumptuous in her very forward request that Donna design her a dress for a red carpet event in one day, but I will say this: Donna’s yellow dress was very cute, and so was the dress she made for Diablo Cody. Neither, however, were cuter than the grey top with the studs that Diablo was already wearing when she approached Donna. In any case, please be proud, 90210 wardrobe department, that I am actually giving you props for something.

8. Dixon and Annie’s Dr. Pepper fueled road trip. HOLY GOD! NO ONE NEEDS THAT MUCH DR. PEPPER! Where did Dixon get all that? Did he steal it from the Peach Pit? Nat is so gonna do inventory and fire his ass! Dixon is right, though. Annie wouldn’t have to stop and pee so much if she didn’t drink so much of that stuff. I bet if they gave any to Silver she’d go into a bipolarbetic coma. Because being bipolar is exactly like having diabetes.

9. Dixon’s birth mom. Clearly, she doesn’t have nearly as much guilt or grief about her son choosing to be adopted as Dixon does. And that’s cool. It’s also cool that she doesn’t even care that he’s too scared to talk to her, so she’s perfectly willing to have that conversation with his crazy white sister. However, here’s how that confrontation between Annie and Dana should have gone:

Annie: Hi, I’m Dixon’s sister.
Dana: No, you are not. I did not have no white babies.
[End scene.]

This show still doesn’t make any damn sense, but at least its getting ridiculous. Time for me to find a bassist for Peyote Coyote.

The Husband:

I had a lot of fun with this episode, but I too am concerned over 90210’s depiction of what life is like for those on a stabilizing medication. And it seems to be a major problem on television, as if Tom Cruise (the Tom that yelled at Matt Lauer for being glib in re: pharmaceuticals) were running the Hollywood message system.

Now, I’ve been on anti-anxiety for ten years come this summer, and it has brought me nothing but good results. It had settled my soul into something I and others can appreciate, it has calmed my demeanor, and it has made me a better person.

Here’s what it hasn’t done. It hasn’t turned me into an emotionless robot. It hasn’t turned me into someone to be coddled. It hasn’t turned me into somebody afraid of any kind of stimulation.

All it did was control my mood swings. I no longer wanted to scream at people for no reason, I no longer felt the extreme bouts of worthless depression that basically strikes anybody in their teenage years. It made me a more intelligent, more thoughtful and less reactive person, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Pharmaceuticals aren’t for everybody. They are, of course, meant to be prescribed on a case-by-case basis, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. But they also shouldn’t be treated like they’re these horrible, personality-destroying pills. They are meant to help, and if a medication doesn’t work for you, there are plenty of others. You just need a psychiatrist you can trust.

But me, I’m in control of my life, and I didn’t feel like that before the summer of 1999. Silver is not a diabetic, she is not an epileptic, and she is not claustrophobic. She’s bipolar. The best thing to do is to just treat her like a regular human fucking being. (Not a human-fucking being, although as we saw two weeks ago in her video, she is that, too.)

The Wife:

Holy whizbang wow, kidlets, what the hell is going on over on 90210? The show has changed so drastically in tone since its return that it’s certainly not quite as lame, it is, however, really ridiculous. So, with that, let’s talk about “9 Rididdilyiculous Things About This Week’s 90210.”

1. Silver’s escape. While Ryan Eggold has the power to restrain and magically calm insane teenage girls who assault him with wine bottles, that’s apparently not enough to keep her from bolting out into crazy land. What I don’t understand is why she felt the need to hide under his table while he was out of the room, rather than just sneaking out the window that she destroyed when she not-so-stealthily sneaked in. She’s fucking nuts, though, so I guess that should serve as reason enough for having a burning desire to hide under your teacher’s table.

Silver apparently shares a makeup artist with Little J.

Silver apparently shares a makeup artist with Little J.

2. “It’s drugs! It’s got to be drugs!” Once word gets out in the 9fneh-verse that Silver has been doing some crazy shit and is now missing, everyone assumes that she’s on drugs. The jump-cuts between groups of characters discussing her apparent drug addiction were pretty amusing in a cheesy kind of way, but I’ll tell you one drug that Silver is definitely not on: weed. If that girl were smokin’ the ganja and Dixon broke up with her over her creepy/funny art film, she would just drive to the beach and smoke more weed and be cool with it. For the last time, everyone in the universe that demonizes the marijuana, smoking weed just makes you mellow, easily amused, hungry and probably a little bit sleepy. The worst thing it will do is make you a little paranoid, but you’re certainly not going to go kill your baby sister or start breaking into teacher’s homes and assaulting them with wine bottles.

3. Navid and Adriana turn into Ben and Amy from Secret Life. I guess because she’s pregnant and you don’t want a pregnant girl running up against a drug-crazed maniac, Adriana gets put on babysitting duty, hanging out Sammy. It took me the entire episode to remember that Sammy was Kelly Taylor’s kid, which is generally a bad sign. Adriana’s all like, “I’m not good with babies!” And Navid’s like, “Don’t give your baby up for adoption! Let this experience teach you how to be a mommy!” And it does. Let me tell you, Adriana is such a great actress that I think she plays a really believable dump truck or tractor. I bet she could act like a good mommy for the duration of her child’s life. Also, question: when, exactly, did Navid and Adriana get back together? I don’t even remember anymore.

Next thing you know, Ricky is going to show up and ruin all of this.

Next thing you know, Ricky is going to show up and ruin all of this.

4. Dixon’s ‘tude. What the ass, dude? I realize your lady pissed you off, but I am much more worried about Dixon being on drugs after he completely shut down and acted like he didn’t give a shit about the girl he just had huge fight with, but previously loved. I mean, clearly, she has mental health issues, but I think Dixon’s being the much more ridiculous person in this episode. What a dickmeat.

6. Silver’s quest. Um, maybe you shouldn’t run away and take a train to Kansas to discover what makes Dixon Dixon because, um, Dixon = Kansas and Kansas = Baking Soda or something. The quest is clearly kind of crazy because, you know, a normal person might just ask how their boyfriend feels about something. But I have to say that her speech about Dixon and chemical reactions would actually be really profound if it were 2 a.m. and she were drunk in a dorm room with her college roommates.

5. Train station Baby Denis Leary. Creepiest person ever. Clearly, Silver is distressed and ranting like a crazyface about her plans to take a train to Kansas, so what does Kevin the Denis Leary Look-alike do? He leers at her and follows her around like he’s going to board that train, murder her and rape her corpse. But no! In 90210‘s very lame attempt at misdirection, Kevin grabs her purse and fishes out her wallet, only to turn around and call the last number in her cell (Dixon’s, which mom Debbie picks up) to get in touch with her people so they can help her. Um, okay, guys, I’m glad to know that Kevin is a good person and that he isn’t going to kill Silver and rape her corpse, but there was NO NEED for him to be portrayed as kind of creepy and unnerving. He could have just been concerned! There had to have been a less creepy way to run these scenes!

6. Debbie’s password guesses include “Ludacris. ” Good job, Debbie. Way to stereotype your adopted Black son. You’re a wonderful person.

7. Ethan and Annie. So, apparently, being with Ethan meant that Annie had to make lots of sacrifices, and not just the play and her sense of self, but her potential friendship with Naomi. As the trio search the school for Silver, Annie learns the true meaning of the phrase Chicks before Dicks. Oh, wait, you guys have never heard that before? I made it up. It’s the ladies version of Bros before Hos. Spread it around. I don’t know why this plot was even in the episode at all. Couldn’t it have waited? And how did these three end up on search party duty at school, anyway?

8. Debbie’s insane speech about LA. Um, L.A. is definitely not my favorite part of California, but I am definitely going to go with “the big bad city is not corrupting your children.” And since when does anyone on 90210 give a shit about morals? I’m glad she changed her mind by the end and realized, through the miracles of gluten-free bread, that living in a place where her kids have options for enrichment other than cowtipping and fucking under the bleachers is a good thing. I quote: “I don’t even know what gluten is, but I like the option of not having to eat it.”

9. Train tracks! Oh, man, you know where a horrible place to have a life-changing relationship conversation is? On the train tracks! Thank God Dixon made a 180 from taking the Express to Doucheville and realized that Silver just needs TLC because she’s manic depressive, just like his mommy was. I’m bummed that his mom never took him to Disneyland, though. You’d think that once you make the drive from fucking Kansas you’d be committed to that shit, no matter what your mental state is. I am, however, surprised that it took the characters on this show so damned long to figure out that Silver needs to meet with some mental health professionals. I mean, it’s pretty clear to me that she’s unbalanced, although in my completely unprofessional opinion, I’ve never known a bipolar person who is quite so histrionic. Just . . . get that girl on medication. Stat. Nonetheless, thanks for the SLOTAT-esque PSA at the end. Check out 90210‘s lame tie-in site with Bipolar Kids. I applaud the notion of making mildly informative youth-oriented television, but this is a horrible website.

And, finally, let’s let Dixon sum up the show for us, shall we?

“Oh, God, what is happening?”

The Husband:

I’m actually very thankful for EW pointing out that the last couple episodes are the true direction the show should be going in if it wanted to live up to its previous incarnation, because it has freed me up to realize that I really enjoy the show if I give it absolutely zero thought. Gone are the confusing glances I make at the TV, because it would hurt to do that for 42 minutes. Gone is my attempt to streamline a character’s arc, because there aren’t any beyond four episodes at a time. Gone is the suspicion that the writers have no idea what they’re doing, because it’s not a suspicion anymore.

I still have yet to be bored by an episode of 9fneh, and in my world, that’s entirely okay. Now I can watch this show whenever I want instead of limiting myself to Tuesday nights, because it falls way behind Reaper, Idol and Fringe, and it goes very well the following morning with a bowl of Puffins mixed with Trader Joe’s house brand of Cheerios, the time when my brain isn’t entirely there before I go to work.

Now I get it. You guys were all insane during the 90s. That’s fine. It was a good time. Crazy was an optimistic way of life.

The Wife:

OMFG, ya’ll. I think my usual 90210 column “9 Lame Things About This Week’s 90210” is going to become “9 TOTALLY RIDICULOUS Things About This Week’s 90210.” I mean, seriously, way to come back and be totes ridic, 90210. At least I’m actually interested in the absurdity that’s happening in BevHills right now, so let’s take a look at how completely insane this show has become:

1. Naomi’s sex dream about Liam. Wow, I guess that really was a banana in his pocket.

2. Silver the sexual exhibitionist. While her desire to have sex in public/dangerous places is only one manifestation of just how crazy Erin Silver has become, I’m surprised that Dixon is so willing to go along with this when, just a few episodes ago, he wasn’t ready to swipe that V card. Wanna know some of the places they’ve fucked? Under the bleachers, in the media room at school and, strangely, somewhere at the Peach Pit. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d stop eating at a place where a crazy girl walked in and ordered a man, with dressing on the side. That’s dirty talk! You can’t order a man with dressing on the side at 16! If you do, you’re likely to end up like Adriana!

3. The dissolution of Ethan and Annie. I heard that Dustin Milligan will be leaving the show next year, so I’m not totally surprised that these two are breaking up. I am, however, completely baffled by the reasons why. Ethan claims that it’s not because Annie stole Rhonda’s suicide story for her acting class, but because she was such a good actress that he doesn’t know when she’s being real anymore. Um, thanks for the compliment, buddy, but you are not Keanu Reeves and this is not the Matrix. Besides, Annie’s not that good of an actress. This is probably the most insane reason I’ve heard to break up with someone since a high school boyfriend broke up with me over Moulin Rouge and e.e. cummings. (This fight was later summed up by a friend as, “You broke up over e.e. cummings? What, he wanted to capitalize the Es and you didn’t?” Yeah, Ethan and Annie’s breakup is as insane as that.)

4. Annie quitting the play to salvage her relationship with Ethan. Incorrect decision, Annie! Incorrect! You just single-handedly destroyed feminism!

5. Silver’s complete over-enthusiasm for poetry. Yes, yes – poetry is enriched when you have personal emotional access to what the poet is trying to convey, but the minute you start making up your own ridiculous metaphors (my favorite? “Your eyes are like a dirty swimming pool”) and crafting elaborate films about love, you’ve gone off the deep end. I’m glad you’re inspired, I really am. And I’m sure it’s nice for Matthews to hear that his English class has made you realize you want to be a filmmaker, but this was all too much. As I’m about to start teaching in the fall, let me say this: I hope I can inspire and lead my students, but never this much. Never, ever this much.

Im inspired! Look at me committing to my artistic (re: crazy) vision!

I'm inspired! Look at me committing to my artistic (re: crazy) vision!

6. Speaking of that film . . . that was the most hilarious, pretentious artsy-farsty student film I ever done did see! It was so incredible, I want to see it shown as part of a double bill with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room! And I really get what she was going with the emphasis on the eyes. I mean, they are the window to the soul, after all. Just . . . wow. Erin Silver is an arteest. An arteest, I say!

7. Annie’s confrontation with Rhonda, specifically this line from Annie: “Little did I know that ‘expanding your horizons’ was code for becoming a lying, cheating whore!” Oh, Annie. So dramatic! Also dramatic? Ethan’s subsequent confrontation of Annie when she’s hanging out with that drama club tool, who knows when to back off of a tense situation. This whole tiff/love triangle is all very silly, but, in the tradition of high schoolers everywhere, gets totally blown up to ridiculous proportions. And I laugh at their pain.

8. Liam’s whole drag racing thing. Because . . . why? More importantly, why wasn’t Liam’s car branded with Dr. Pepper?

9. This clearly takes the cake for the fucking craziest thing on this show: Silver’s final downward spiral into crazy town. After Dixon grows angry with her for filming them having sex and putting it in her movie (btw, if she put her camera down behind her in that locker room, how’d she get that front-facing shot? she’s a great filmmaker!) and Matthews’ shuts down the theatre she rented for her screening, she becomes totally nuts and, in an effort to salvage her relationship with Dixon agrees to burn the film. And by burn the film, she meant burn it in a garbage can in his backyard. Oh, but wait! The crazy doesn’t stop there! No, no. Thinking Matthews is behind all of this and that he engineered her downfall by encouraging her to make a film that he knew she would show publicly, thus completely embarrassing her the way she did to him on her blog, she fucking BREAKS INTO HIS HOUSE and demands that he fix things. How did she figure out his grand scheme? Oh, that’s quite simple, really. See, when she wanted to make a 45-minute film, he asked her if she was out of her mind, which is the same thing Dixon asked her when he saw she had filmed them having sex! Matthews totally got to Dixon! All to ruin her! ALL TO RUIN HER!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Just . . . wow. It’s really interesting to suddenly know that Silver has a serious mental illness. I mean, we saw the seeds of crazy when she got that Dixon tattoo, but now those seeds are growing into a full-fledged crazy bush. I hope that when she gets out of the mental hospital she will inevitably be in at the end of this season, that she turns that Dixon tattoo into the Dixon-Ticonderoga tattoo that I suggested. Then she could justify her craziness by being like the Marquis de Sade. Ooooooooh . . . wait . . . actually, let’s do a spin-off about Silver in the mental institution where she writes plays and makes movies starring the inmates! I’d watch that.

The Husband:

So it seems that the body snatcher situation I mentioned in re: Ethan so many times during earlier episodes of the season has spread, because now most of the characters are acting like completely different people. More specifically, the women. (My wife suggested we create a kind of flow chart to track this body snatching situation, but 9fneh doesn’t need that much time dedicated to it.)

So…Naomi, in her Liam love, has finally learned to let go and stop being such a control freak, and even if the drag racing stuff added up to virtually nothing, it did technically represent her literally being the passenger in someone else’s life, something she struggled to attain for most of this season. Naomi is, for all intents and purposes, becoming Annie.

Annie, on the other hand, is becoming a very shrewd player in the game of love, pitting people against each other and setting up way over-the-top situations (i.e. her and the drama club tool hanging out, which would piss off Ethan and thus lead into a mega-confrontation) and screaming nonsensical insanities at poor Ms. Teegarden. She is becoming bitchier by the moment. Annie is, for all intents and purposes, becoming Naomi.

Silver is losing her mind in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with her personality in the front half of this season. Read over my wife’s #9 list item and you will see that who was once a bold, cool, controlled person is becoming a complete wackjob, one who is completely blind to the effect she has on others and raises her selfishness to extreme heights. Silver is, for all intents and purposes, becoming Adrianna.

What the eff balls? I know that Entertainment Weekly made a point in their last issue to declare this episode a true personification of the original 90s series, what with its ridiculous histrionics and I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened nonsense. I mean, the episode was hilarious, if that’s what they meant. I guess that short article answers my question of whether or not the original 90210 was a quality show. Apparently, it wasn’t. It was just insane. Why didn’t people tell me this sooner?

The Wife:

I almost don’t know what to say about this show anymore. I really don’t. Normally, I’d just launch into making fun of how lame this show is, but I actually found this episode really confusing. I actually have legitimate concerns about the way things are going around WestBev, so, this week, I have for you “10 Things That Frustrate and Concern Me About This Week’s 90210.”

1. I was happy to see some characters return to us this week, but I mostly found their presence after such a prolonged absence to be confusing. I mean, sometimes Gossip Girl leaves a character out, but even people who totally aren’t important or interesting like Nate and Vanessa will randomly show up in an episode they have nothing to do with just to keep the idea of the universe continuous. Ty, for instance, has been gone since Spring Awakening finished. Literally, kids, he’s been gone since episode five. I had just assumed that he’d gotten a real acting job doing porn or something because he’s such a fucking method actor jerkmeat, but no, he’s still there, chilling at WestBev. I wonder if the WestBev parking lot has the same magical character-dissolving properties that the Seattle Grace parking lot has. It sure took Ty a long-ass time to find his way back to the show. I mean, Ryan Matthews has been gone, too, but not for as long (only three episodes) and he actually had a legitimate reason to leave. (Seriously, you should probably not get caught having sex with a student who’s really an undercover cop. That’s fucking awkward any way you slice it.) You’ve really got to learn to manage your characters better, 90210 writers. Seriously. Why bring Ty back at all since we’d all but forgotten about him? Which leads me to the next thing on this list . . .

2. I guess the writers needed to find some way to legitimize Adriana’s pregnancy, and Ty Collins, the guy we thought she didn’t sleep with because she was just running the empty shower to trick Annie, seemed like the best choice for a dramatic baby daddy situation. Ya’ll remember that? Back in episodes four and five? Because I do. I will be incredibly surprised if the writers bother to explain to us – and to Annie! – why Adriana lied about lying about sleeping with Ty. This was supposed to come off as some shocking, dramatic revelation, but it just fell flat because Ty has been wandering around the WestBev parking lot for so long. That’s no way to build drama at all. Lame.

3. Hey, speaking of exactly how long Ty’s been gone, I should note that the last time we saw him was in September. Now, I know that television time and real life time are not the same (just ask the Losties!), but we do know that it is officially January in 9fneh, because someone mentioned it during the heat wave episode last week. So, it’s been four months since we last saw Ty. Adriana, then, is four months pregnant. I was immediately confused, then, when I heard that her doctor told her it was too late for her to abort. According to California law and the text of Roe v. Wade, abortions are legal unless the state determines that the fetus is viable to survive on its own outside the womb. Here’s a better summary from the folks at Planned Parenthood of California:

In Roe v. Wade (410 U.S. 113 (1973)), the U.S. Supreme Court held that the U.S. Constitution protects a woman’s decision to terminate her pregnancy.  Only after the fetus is viable, capable of sustained survival outside the woman’s body with or without artificial aid, may the states ban abortion altogether.  Abortions necessary to preserve the woman’s life or health must still be allowed, however, even after fetal viability.

Now, the youngest premature birth to survive was delivered at 24 weeks, or six months. Adriana is nowhere near that. So, um, what the fuck, 90210? Is there some kind of moral ambiguity you have that’s interfering with your ability to take actual facts into consideration? Granted, forcing Adriana to have the baby (and you are indeed forcing her into this, writers, so, you know, so much for choice) provides a better dramatic storyline that can be sustained longer than any other storyline on this show so far, I’m just really concerned about an alternative agenda here. I don’t know what kind of psycho tween would actually look up to this show, but I certainly don’t want anyone thinking that a fetus could be considered viable prior to 24 weeks. I’m uncomfortable with shows that have heretofore not promoted any kind of agenda at all seeming to slip one in, especially when that notion is presented though incorrect medical and legal data. I do not watch 90210 for lessons in morality; I watch it because it’s a trainwreck. When I want to watch something about values and minors carrying babies to term, I’ll tune into ABC Family and watch Secret Life of the American Teenager.

4. Adriana, by the way, is avoiding her pregnancy in the fucking weirdest way possible. I mean, she’s not exactly Peggy Olson-denying-the-whole-thing-until-the-moment-she-gives-birth-to-Pete Campbell’s-illegitimate-son (so not a chip-and-dip), but Adriana is definitely working hard to drink lots of coffee and focus on her career. My husband was really concerned about Adriana’s coffee addiction because television likes to purport that drinking coffee is bad for babies, but there are different schools of thought on that. Some people quit caffeine entirely when they’re pregnant. Some don’t. It’s considered okay to consume between 150 mg and 300 mg a day, so having one cup of coffee in the morning is fine unless a doctor tells you otherwise. You know what’s not advisable, though? Drinking cup after cup of coffee and pulling an all night drive to Solvang up the PCH, pregnant or not. This leads me to what was by far the fucking weirdest part of this episode. What the fuck is with that scene of Adriana driving on PCH? She drives all night and yet she’s still on the same part of the road? (Husband Note: Not only the same part of the road, but still in Malibu, which is nowhere near Solvang.) Only to decide to make a U-turn in the middle of the freeway, nearly crashing into someone? This was followed by another scene of her, driving up to a women’s clinic and sitting in her car. I guess this was 90210‘s way of trying to “show” not “tell,” but it just came off as fucking bizarre.

5. You know who shouldn’t stage an intervention? Kelly Taylor the Worst High School Guidance Counselor in the History of High School Guidance Counselors and Naomi Clark. These two have no business telling other people how to get their shit together, considering neither of them have their shit together at all.

6. Case in Point: Way to make Ryan Matthews feel bad, Kelly! While kicking Silver out of his class was a little harsh, I get where Ryan is coming from. Silver wrote some mean and untrue things, and she didn’t retract them when she found out that her initial reports were wrong. That would definitely make it difficult for him to teach her objectively as the situation was unresolved. Technically, if he wanted to, he could slap her with a libel suit, but given that 90210 doesn’t understand Roe v. Wade, I can’t really expect that universe to understand how a libel suit would function. Furthermore, Kelly took this incident of concern for his sister and, naturally, made it all about her by blasting Ryan for banging Brenda, as though he did it just to hurt her or something. I really hate you, Kelly. You need to grow the fuck up before you can start telling people what to do with their lives. Seriously. Stop. Being. So. Lame.

7. Another Case in Point: How could nobody tell Naomi that her mom was MIA and her dad was planning on selling the house? Can adults not send a text? I mean, sure, she was upset about maybe losing her house earlier this season when her parents announced their divorce, but she seems to have gotten over that entirely and has, instead, grown back her bitchbone and is ready to blackmail her dad into paying for her to live in a hotel in exchange for her silence about his mistress. I’m glad Naomi has her bitchbone back, but she’s still really not in any position to tell anyone how to live their lives, considering that she has no friends and lives in a hotel because her parents don’t tell her they’re selling property out from under her feet.

8. Oh, Dixon. I’m sorry that, unlike Naomi, you have no bitchbone at all and can’t seem to bring yourself to be assertive and talk to your girlfriend about what’s bothering you. Yes, she’s dumb for not noticing that your thinly veiled suggestion about hurting Mr. Matthews’ feelings was really about how hurt you are that she was mean to you at the beach party and wouldn’t say she loved you, but Lori Loughlin’s right. You just got to tell people how you feel, because they’re not mindreaders. And while I did truly love Silver’s off-the-cuff response to Dixon telling her that he knows she’s not a mindreader (“Oof! You’re onto me!”), you do not grow your bitchbone by breaking up with someone at a fucking party. That’s super lame. Please get a personality. And some tact. Soon.

9. Annie, Annie, Annie and her petty drama club dramas. So, when you try out for a play, you should probably not convince your boyfriend, who has no interest in theatre at all, to try out with you. You should probably not assume that you should play Cleopatra just because your grandmother, the working actress, lost that role to that violet-eyed hussy Elizabeth Taylor. Oh, and if you want that part, you should probably learn to read Shakespeare as though you understand it and can act. Ty may have been a little harsh in his critique of Annie’s reading (you know, being a douche and saying that her poor reading made it impossible for him to do his job), but he’s right. Please don’t audition for Shakespeare if you are going to read it like that. And don’t mope around when you get beat for a part by someone better, even when that person showed up late for the audition and probably shouldn’t have been able to audition at all. That’s the breaks, Annie, dahling. Some people are better than you. Tough noogies. (In a related note, I do love this new drama teacher, who you all might recognize as Thirteen’s lesbian lover on House, but I know better as “Shawn,” the film version of Shane during Season 5 of The L Word. I see you, Angela Gots! Rock that bob like it’s nobody’s business!)

10. Remember when Adriana made an illegal U-turn in the middle of PCH that nearly got her killed? That was foreshadowing for what I assume Ethan did at the end of this episode! Kids, don’t make a U-turn in the middle of traffic! Just don’t do it! I really hope Ethan isn’t dead because I was actually really starting to enjoy him. I think Dustin Milligan has finally found a way to make Ethan interesting and somehow more alive than the other people at WestBev, a feat he has achieved by basically delivering most of his lines as though he is intentionally trying to sound like he has an alien controlling his brain. If you don’t know what I mean, think really hard about how he described Egyptian food as probably having a lot of couscous. How he became my favorite character on the show, I have no idea, so I am deeply concerned for his well-being. Who will play a eunuch half as well as he?

And One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 90210:

1. Lori Loughlin’s description of Silver’s food predilections: “Is Silver coming over? I hear she’s an artichoke fiend.” Damnit! Now they’re really on to her! The Artichoke Fiend is the greatest evil villain in all of Beverly Hills! I fear for her safety now that her secret is out!

The Husband:

Since my wife beat me to the mention of “artichoke fiends” as one of the awesome things about this episode, I’ll have to think of something else.

One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 9fneh:

The presence, both in the opening credits as well as actually in the episode – show’s like Lost and Grey’s Anatomy like to list certain guest stars even when they’re not even physically there sometimes – of one Lisa Tucker, better known as one of the finalists of American Idol, season 5. She was too young and too innocent for the competition, and she didn’t make it very far (10th place), but she did use some of her newfound fame to make some television appearances – I recall her playing herself in a very awkward scene on The O.C. – and apparently had a recurring character on Zoey 101. (Which, as we all know, is a show that is no longer on. Thanks, statutory rape.) I’ll always appreciate her for one of her Idol song choices during semifinals, which was “Here’s Where I Stand” from the awesome independent musical Camp from a few years ago. It’s a lovely (if sloppily filmed) movie and a kickass song. So amidst all the stupidity and confusion of this week’s 9fneh, it was nice to see her, basically in the background, in the scene where the cast list is posted. I assume she’s going to be in Antony & Cleopatra, so hopefully we’ll get to see more of her.