The Wife:

A goat brawl? BRoLove? Marshall dressed up as Dracula? Acknowledgement of the master plot? What more could I have asked for in the HIMYM season 4 finale?

While the gang tries to throw Ted a surprise birthday party, he spends most of the night working on his hat building, until a mysterious visitor appears . . . a goat Lily rescued from a farmer who announced to her Kindergarten class that he was going to kill it. The goat grows obsessed with a washcloth from the bathroom, and gets very, very angry at Ted for taking it from him . . . causing him to get into a fight with said animal that he misremembers as being much more violent than it actually was. Nonetheless, it was enough to land him in the hospital, officially squelching the surprise party.

This goat is the best actor in the world.

This goat is the best actor in the world.

But during that surprise party on the roof, Marshall contemplates leaping to the glorious patio on the next building, as he has contemplated for many years but never actually accomplished, in part out of his own hesitation and in part because of Lily’s lack of support. (“For the last time, I am not Linda Knievel! I will never be Linda Knievel!”) As mentioned above, the best of Marshall’s near-jump flashbacks, for me, involved him dressed as Dracula during the Halloween party which, coupled with his artful cape spreading and slow, vampiric lean forward made for sight-gag gold. It also helped that I heard this in my head the minute he appeared on screen in that costume:

If you haven’t seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, know that Jason Segal’s love of puppets makes an appearance in the form of this song, part of a Dracula puppet musical his character (and, actually, Jason) had been writing. It’s amazing.

More importantly, Robin admits she loves Barney, immediately after which he rejects her and suggests they only be friends. When Barney announces this to Lily, she, who can’t keep secrets, tells him that Robin has known all along that he’s been in love with her, especially since she overheard a conversation between him and Ted only a few days before in which Barney tried to cleverly get Ted’s advice on Robin by comparing her to a fancy Canadian suit. Ted gives Barney his blessing to pursue Robin, but Robin isn’t all that interested. She strategizes with Lily and Marshall about how to let Barney down without hurting his feelings. The solution? To “Mosby” him. That is, for Robin to say “I love you” before Barney does in order to scare him off, just like Ted had done to her. It works all too well, leading Barney to immediately pursue blonde Rockette hopefuls who literally just got off the bus from Iowa (and who, for some reason, happen to be at Ted’s surprise party). Barney is a little bit crushed to learn from Lily that Robin Mosbyed him.

Yeah . . . lets just talk about this later and make out now.

Yeah . . . let's just talk about this later and make out now.

In Ted’s hospital room, after he takes off to present his hat building with a giant goat-mark on his forehead, Robin and Barney discuss their feelings for one another, each Mosbying the other until they can Mosby no more and are forced to make out. That pre-kiss exchange of “I have feelings” and “Let’s just be friends” was pretty spectacular, but, really, nothing in this episode was better than every goddamn reaction shot of the goat and Ted’s recollection of his battle with said goat over the pink washcloth. That fucking goat was killing me last night. The wait was worth it.

Even though Ted makes it to his presentation on time, his hat building gets trumped by another one of Sven’s freaky metal dinosaurs, and so he’s back where he started from. Lily advises Ted that he should just take the leap, and stop thinking about his life as he had planned it. It’s so important for him to be an architect, but it was important for all of them to get their dream jobs, only none of them ever quite made it in the way they thought they would. Lily’s not a famous painter (although she does fingerpaint on a daily basis and has moderate success creating paintings for veterinary offices). Marshall’s not a big environmental lawyer (but he is a lawyer!). Robin’s not a television reporter (but she is the host of a morning show at 4 a.m. that no one watches). Barney? Not a violinist. This also inspires Marshall to actually take that leap to the other patio, and he does, brilliantly, which in turn inspires Robin to leap, then Barney, then Lily and, finally, Ted. So with that literal leap, Ted takes the metaphorical leap, calls Tony and accepts that professorship at Columbia. And it’s a good thing he did, too, because if he didn’t, he would have never met the woman that would mother his children, because she was a student in his very first class as Professor Mosby.

For as silly as that leaping sequence may have been, there was something about it that hit just the right emotional note, and I couldn’t have been happier to hear that Ted had accepted the professorship job that I knew felt so right for him to take when Tony first mentioned it. It was also very well done on the part of the writers for Stella’s return to serve two purposes. Not only for Stella to encourage Ted not to give up searching for The One, but also for him to take Tony’s job offer, both of which lead to him meeting the love of his life.

I look forward to next season where we get to start playing the guessing game “Which One of Ted’s Students Is He Going to Bone?” and a further exploration of a BRoLove relationship. And maybe next season, Marshall and Lily will actually have a baby. Because I still think they need one. And she can be played by Baby Satyana. And it would be great.

Other funny:

  • “I mean, you’re very pretty but you’re freakishly tall and don’t believe in ghosts.” –Marshall, on why he assessed Robin as an “eh,” while lovingly putting his arm around miniature, ghost-believing Lily
  • “Hat buildings don’t design themselves.” – Ted (Apparently, I love jokes about oddly-shaped buildings.)
  • Lily’s attempt to get Marshall not to jump by telling him she’s pregnant. He immediately rushes to her side in disbelief, but ruins it all by muttering about how he’d noticed she’d gained weight recently. At which point, Lily says she was kidding, but is so offended that she snarls, “I hope you die.” So Marshall returns to the ledge, “That’s all the permission I need.”
  • Since this was filmed months ago, Alyson Hannigan wasn’t quite so pregnant in this episode. But still, through the whole thing, she held a “31” in front of her belly. Awkward . . .

The Husband:

And even more Hannigan belly-covering was done by a bowl of popcorn, a printer and, of course, the use of a body double to do the patio-jumping stung.

A great season finale, much better than last year but not as good as either the s1 finale (when Ted and Robin finally got together, and Lily left Marshall for San Francisco) or the s2 finale (when Ted and Robin break up before Marshall and Lily’s wedding). Barney has completed his journey to become more than just a punchline machine, and despite what some of the non-‘shippers have to say, Barney and Robin are perfect for each other.

And Ted learned, at least to me, to stop being the douche that everyone says he is – me, I think he’s just passionate and yet kind of lost – and to go into a field that will teach him about responsibility and maturity. His firm didn’t last very long, true, but I never expected it to amount to much anyway. He was born to be a teacher.

As usual, this show contemplates the idea that we can’t always get what we want, but at a certain age we also have to recognize what we have really isn’t altogether that bad. And if it sucks, it’s only for now.



The Wife:

Official: 90210‘s prom was much more prommy than Gossip Girl‘s prom. Let me count the ways! “9 Promtastic Things About This Week’s 90210“:

1. Principal Wilson’s Zero Tolernace Policy. I totally love the video he forced Annie to do to promote his anti-afterparty stance. What else do I love? His message tee: “One party can ruin your whole summer.” Since, you know, anyone caught at an after-prom party serving booze will automatically get summer school, regardless of any alcohol they consume. Silly!

2. Annie’s Geek. Because Liam thinks Annie is a volcano, she accepts when a geeky kid asks her to prom. Later, at prom, when he asks if she’d like to go on another date, she tells him she’s just not interested and that she said yes to his request because it seemed like he really wanted to go with her. Geek mad! Geek yell! Geek would have rather gone with someone else! Geek narcs on Annie to stupid girl who broadcast her afterprom party in earshot of Principal Wilson and stupid girl then yells at any! Prom hath no fury like a geek scorned. Especially a geek in an adorable skull bowtie. (Although, really, if I didn’t have a date to a dance, I would go with someone who wanted me to go with them because I like going to those things and dressing up. Why would anyone have a problem with going to a dance with a girl they like? Even if she isn’t planning to date them afterward? It’s just a dance, not Match.com.)

3. Jen’s spending habits. When Naomi can’t buy three prom dresses because her AmEx Black is maxed out thanks to Jen putting all of the house furnishings and a couture dress to be Matthews’ date to prom on it, Naomi confronts her sister about her spending and she admits to lying about having no money. Well, almost. She tells Naomi she made some bad investments, but that the market is bound to turn around and so she won’t live off her sister forever. And why didn’t she tell Naomi about this? Because she didn’t want her little sister to take care of her . . . except that’s exactly what happened. What? I love Jen because she’s a sociopath, but that argument makes no sense.

At least she looks fierce.

At least she looks fierce.

4. “Poker Face. ” I can’t decide if it was brilliant or idiotic to use that song to highlight Silver’s pre-prom anxiety.

5. Ethan. So, he got accepted to the American Lacrosse Special Jock Summer Training Camp thing, which would be really good for him to do because college scouts will be there. But he doesn’t want to do it. And he doesn’t want to go to prom. Silver convinces him to be excited about at least one of those things and join her and Dixon at prom, but he turns down the lacrosse thing to spend the summer in Montana with his dad. Look, I know he’s not coming back next year, but every time he makes a strange decision, I assume he is one step closer to dying in some horrific way or killing himself. I partially expected him to kill himself at prom. But that’s too dramatic for 90210. He’ll probably just die quietly over the summer, eaten by a bear in Montana like that dude from Grizzly Man. Or, in a less grisly alternative, he’ll love the wilderness so much that he’ll decide to stay in Montana and fly fish every day. Oh, God, now I’m thinking about A River Runs Through It and getting misty. DAMNIT!

6. Navid takes on Ty. And, really, nothing breaks up a fight between your baby daddy and the dude who wants to marry you like going into labor. Perfect timing, Adriana!

7. Kelly’s beef with Jen Clarke. Sooooo . . . Jen hates Kelly not because Jen is now sort-of seeing a dude Kelly slept with once and has apparently never dated again (good job with that storyline, RRKS), but because, back when Jen was in high school, she stole a girl’s term paper and passed it off as her own! Le scandale! What’s more, Kelly wrote her an un-recommendation for Princeton because of that incident in which she assessed that Jen was a narcissist and a sociopath who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted. But, you see, Princeton let her in anyway because she was student body president and had good grades and was rich and shit. Also: who the fuck would even ask a guidance counselor for a letter of recommendation? That is the most insane part of that story for me.

8. Liam admits he likes Naomi. After basically spending prom ignoring her and listening to his iPod, he admits he likes her when they explore the backlot and they make out in the conveniently falling snow on a New York stoop. I only care in the sense that I wish I’d been to a high school dance held at Paramount Studios. Because that’s super awesome.

Id also like to not have plastic on my hands!

I'd also like to not have plastic on my hands!

9. Silver for Prom Queen! Ummmmmmmmmmmm! Best speech ever! The old Silver is back! Her write-in for Prom Queen was all part of Dixon’s scheme to get her back to WestBev by proving that everyone still liked her, and it worked, because she also realized that she didn’t want to conform to be liked. Rather than squeezing her feet into Cinderella shoes, she wholeheartedly admitted that she wanted to feel her toes. Best line ever. Best metaphor ever. Too bad Dixon thinks she hates everything he loves now. That dude has gotta stop taking things that don’t mean anything to heart. I mean, jeez, she still went to prom FOR YOU, dawg.

The Husband:

I’ve been on most of the major lots in the Los Angeles area, save for ABC/Disney, and I can say that without question, Paramount is my absolute favorite. While Warner Bros. is too sprawling and 20th Century Fox is too tight (CBS Television City, CBS Studio City, Raleigh and Sony/MGM all fall somewhere in the middle in varying levels amongst many others), Paramount is just right. It’s not too intimidating, but the soundstages also stay very close together so as to give it a very cool community aspect, as if you could wander past several different worlds much better than anything WB can cook up. (Although, at WB, knowing that ER and Gilmore Girls were mere feet from each other was pretty gnarly.) In fact, I did that very thing at Paramount, as I wandered away from a slate press junket to walk past open soundstages, seeing, within a few short minutes, much of the sets for the Lemony Snicket film. And yet, I also know that former UPN-now-CW shows were close by. And so while it’s kind of absurd that the prom would be there, it’s fine that they didn’t even bother to pretend like they don’t film 90210 there.

Hooray for backlots!

Hooray for backlots!

And that backlot is so much less claustrophobic than that at Fox, which you see pretty much every week on How I Met Your Mother. (Yes, it’s a CBS show, but it films at Fox. Creative vs. distribution studio wars are too complicated to get into right now.)

The Wife:

And so Stella was gone just as soon as she’d returned. And I was made happy. In fact, she wasn’t even as important to the flow of the episode as her boyfriend Tony was. You see, she wasn’t alone under that Dutch blue umbrella. Tony was with her. And when Ted saw them, he played it cool, all the while secretly imagining that seeing him again would bring Stella back to his door. Instead, though, it brought Tony, who thought Ted looked like a sad hot mess and wanted to help the man Stella left at the altar by offering him a job. At first, Ted turns down the offer to be an architecture professor at Columbia (although that’s insane, because, as Marshall remarks, Ted would be a great professor – he really likes to talk about architecture). Ted tells his friends he doesn’t want Tony’s help, not unless it came with a check so fat that if it sat next to you on an airplane, you’d think the check should have purchased two seats. Lo, Tony does return with such a check, but that dream, too, is ruined when Ted meets the client and realizes (in my favorite segment of the episode) the very specific laundry room in the basement the client keeps asking about is actually a murder room. (Cue Marshall totally freaking out about Ted designing “a murder house.”)

Why would you even offer to let someone work on a murder house?

Why would you even offer to let someone work on a murder house?

Eventually, Ted tells Tony that he doesn’t want his help and that he isn’t sad about Stella anymore. In fact, Ted says, why would he even want to be with someone who lies to him about her feelings and ends up leaving him at the altar for another man? Unfortunately, this makes Tony realize that maybe Stella isn’t the kind of woman he wants to be with, either, and Stella later turns up at Ted’s door in tears because Tony broke up with her. Stella apologizes to Ted for what she did to him, and begs him to help her get Tony back because, clearly, Tony listens to Ted. She tries to appeal to the romantic in him, which he cruelly reminds her she crushed when she left him. In her explanation of her relationship with Tony, though, I caught a pretty insane continuity error that makes me wonder more about the timeline of Stella’s life than Lily Van Der Woodsen’s on the Gossip Girl spin-off. Stella said she got pregnant when she was 19 and then she focused on being a mom after that. Last time I checked, Lucy was only a maximum of eight years old. (I want to say she’s actually six.) So, am I to believe Stella is 27? Certainly, I can’t because there’s no way in hell she could have gone to medical school and started a dermatology practice in that time. I’d always assumed she was about 32, and had met Tony and had her daughter while she was in med school, and since I know Lucy is not a teenager, but a sweet little girl, someone on staff made some serious continuity errors here.

Regardless, Ted doesn’t even get a chance to make the decision to help Stella or not because at that very moment, he gets a call from Barney who, after spending the episode trying to talk his way out of speeding tickets, incurring 15 in the process, gets arrested in New Jersey by a hot cop. (His inspiration? Marshall’s story about how he once talked his way out of a speeding ticket by baiting a cop with smoked bratwurst.) So Ted and Stella drive there and back to get Barney out of jail and, on the way, Ted realizes that he doesn’t want Stella to be unhappy, and agrees to talk to Tony. (He does, changes Tony’s mind, and Stella, Tony and Lucy all move out to Hollywood where Tony writes shitty hit movies like The Wedding Bride and Stella develops a successful tattoo removal clinic.) He also admits to her that he’s tired of looking for “the one. ” He knows that the right woman for him is out there somewhere, but he’s jealous of what Marshall and Lily have and what Tony and Stella have. Stella, fulfilling her duty to set Ted on his path, reminds him not to give up, as it sometimes takes us a long time to find the right person. She gives him hope, which is a nice closure for their relationship, considering she broke his damn heart earlier this season.

This wasn’t a favorite episode, and it made me really miss Lily, so I’m glad she showed up at the end for a few minutes to admit the peanut butter joke was actually kind of funny. I didn’t really like Barney’s collection of speeding tickets, although it is nice to see him fail at picking up women from time to time, which was a good payoff for a pretty hokey B-story. All in all, I feel this is kind of a “meh” episode. Maybe I was disappointed, though, because WE SHOULD BE SEEING THE FUCKING GOAT SOON. The Goat incident occurred May 8, 2009. It’s no longer May 8. I really need to hear about the events of May 8, 2009. Where is my goat story, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas? I needs it.

Funny bits:

  • YOU CAN’T DESIGN A MURDER HOUSE!
  • Ted’s ringtone is “Let’s Go to the Mall.” And mine should be, too.

The Husband:

I’ll do you one better, dear wife. My colleague at work watched the episode on CBS.com this morning, and as he considers himself a “Ted” and that Robin is his dream girl, he has already created the exact same ringtone (even with the same starting point) and e-mailed the .m4r file to me moments later to put on my brand spankin’ new iPhone. And as I am a “Marshall” and my sister considers herself a “Robin,” I shall set it to her contact.

As for me, I liked Barney’s newest version of “Wait For It”:


“Challenge accep…wait for it…” [points to Ted]

The Wife:

What a magical episode! I was truly, truly transfixed by the inventive, interwoven storytelling though which Ted explains a simple moment that he felt was life-changing. No, not the meeting of the titular mother (because she carries a yellow umbrella, like Ted), but a reunion with Stella, which clearly set him on the path to meeting that fabled mother. (I think Stella has a sister or a girlfriend that she might introduce to Ted as they try to rekindle their friendship.) And while I am not happy to see Stella again, I loved this episode and each of the three stories Ted had to tell to end up at that street corner at the very moment Stella would tap his shoulder from under her blue umbrella.

Story #1: Robin throws up during her morning show because she gets food poisoning from Schlagel’s Bagels, even though she keeps joking to both Ted and Barney that she’s pregnant. (It’s so meta, because Cobie Smulders is pregnant!) Because of this, Ted turns left instead of right, heading to his second favorite bagel shop instead of Schlagel’s to get a cinnamon-raisin bagel to power him through designing his ludicrous cowboy hat building.

Story #2: Barney is about to bed his 200th conquest, and he has made sure that his 200th will be none other than Russian supermodel Petra Petrova. Why is his 200th so important? Because long ago, a seventh grade bully told young master Stinson that he had already slept with 100 girls, so Barney retorted that he would sleep with 200. But when Robin looks over Barney’s list, she notices he listed one girl twice, which would make Petra number 199. So, with only a few hours before his big date with Petra, Barney desperately tries to find a 199th hookup. He tries to speed-flirt his way into the panties of every girl at the bar, but eventually finds himself going for his last resort lay, Pauline, a female bodybuilder who works out at Barney’s gym and has had her eyes on him for quite some time. When Barney returns from that outing, Robin points out that even though Barney had listed one girl twice, he also misnumbered the list, jumping from 138 to 138 . . . which makes Pauline his 200th. But, at the very least, Barney did still land a model for his 200th, as Pauline was soon to appear in an issue of Muscle Sexxy, which, like many of the women in it, has two xs and one y. So, on his way to his second favorite bagel shop that fateful day, Ted took the time to stop at a newsstand and look at Pauline’s photoshoot in Muscle Sexxy, which, if he hadn’t, wouldn’t landed him at that street corner at the right time.

And this circle represents people who are shaking my confidence daily.

And this circle represents people who are shaking my confidence daily.

Story #3: During Barney’s discussion of his sexual conquests list, Marshall decides to illustrate Barney’s success rate through a series of charts and graphs with which he demonstrates that, over Barney’s 16 years of sexual activity, he has hit on approximately 16,640 women, giving him only about a 1% success rate if he beds 200 women, which is the only successful argument to support Barney’s supposition that 200 girls is totally not that many. Ever since he started working at GNB, it seems, Marshall has become obsessed with abusing the graphics department to make a series of pop culture charts and graphs. (My favorites? His chart regarding the Simon & Garfunkel tune “Cecelia” and the pie chart of bars he likes and the bar graph of pies he likes.) His love of visual aids becomes so irritating to everyone else that they have to stage a chart-and-graph Intervention (which was an excellent callback), going so far as to even throw out charts and graphs Marshall needs for work.

When he discovers some charts missing during a meeting, he calls Ted to get them back and finds that Homeless Milt is selling them. Now, I was pretty sure that Homeless Milt was also the homeless man who tried to sell Lily’s “real artist” paintings last season, but I’m not sure it was the same homeless guy, as that guy wasn’t Dan Castellaneta. But, regardless, this is not the first time a homeless dude has tried to sell Marshall and Lily’s stuff. Milt refuses to give Ted the charts unless he gets $1 million dollars, so Ted agrees to give Milt $1 a day for a million days. Thus, on his way to his second favorite bagel shop that day, he had to stop and give Homeless Milt his daily dollar, the last of three acts that landed him at that crosswalk at the same time Stella was there.

In a brief coda, Barney faces off with his childhood bully and realizes that the foundation of his adult life was based on a lie (because said bully had not slept with anyone in 7th grade, let alone 100 high school girls). Driven to meaninglessness, Barney wonders, “Now what?” and his eyes fall upon Robin, ending us on a great BRoLove moment.

Like I said, a truly magical episode. I look forward to the goat next week, because that’s gotta happen. I recall it was to take place on May 8, 2009, which is this Friday.

Other funny things:

  • “What has my career come to? A 2-story Stetson with outdoor dining on the rim!” – Ted
  • The Weather Clown, which will give me nightmares for sometime.
  • Vomiting into beaded handbags, because that’s a place I’ve not actually vomited into, and I vomit into crème brûlée bowls.
  • Barney scooting out the door like a cartoon character who can’t get traction when Robin jokes that she’s pregnant.
  • Marshall stalling at his meeting by resorting to his terrible, terrible fish stand-up routine.

The Husband:

Marshall is right. Why the hell do they call it a sea bass? Is there a land bass of which we are previously unaware?

And just to make sure that I can figuratively body check all those people online who completely misunderstood the “MOTHER” bit of the episode (this would include Vinnie on this morning’s Radio Alice Morning Show), nowhere in the narration did Bob Saget say that this was the mother, only that seeing Stella again led to something else. I watched the episode again today at work just to make sure.

He. Did. Not. Say. Stella. Was. The. Mother. Husband win.

(Although good catch, eagle-eyed viewers with big-ass HD televisions who spotted the back of Stella’s head way at the beginning of the episode. Maybe one day we’ll all have cyborg eyes like you.)

As for Barney’s hit against Steve Guttenberg for being in too many Police Academy movies, saying three was enough, here’s some food for thought – the Goot was only in four of them. By the end of the seven-film series (and the television cartoon show), only three actors from the original movie made it through the entire Police Academy run.

Nice touch with Schlagel’s Bagels using its “D” rating from the health board and disguising it as the first letter in their window decal that says “DELICIOUS.” I hope above all hopes that they got the idea from Failblog.org, which had this picture.

FAIL! (Thanks, FailBlog!)

FAIL! (Thanks, FailBlog!)

And for the record, I don’t hate Stella like my wife does, but I also do not want her to be the mother. Considering their past, I just think it would involve way too much compromise on Ted’s part. Compromise is important, yes, but he would simply end up being a completely different person, and that’s not Ted’s journey.

And by the way, here was the ranking on Marshall’s chart of presidents’ names in descending order of how dirty their name sounds.

  • Johnson
  • Bush
  • Harding
  • Polk
  • Fillmore
  • Pierce
  • LBJ
  • Hoover
  • Bush
  • Clinton

(I especially like the touch with the seven spots between the two Bushes, as if it mattered.)

Best line of the night, in my opinion, goes to Barney in response to Marshall’s chart of projected interest in his usage of graphs and charts. Glory be to tool humor.


You’re a big sustainable growth.

The Wife:

One thing I’ve always appreciated about How I Met Your Mother is that it’s filled with callbacks for regular viewers, and I have to say that I was pleasantly amused by the callbacks in “The Three Days Rule,” as well as a callback on last night’s Big Bang Theory to what is undoubtedly my favorite thing ever to appear on the show. But as for tonight’s episode of HIMYM itself, it was pretty much a non-starting plot that led to an amusing “sexting” prank war between Ted, known to call women too soon, and Marshall and Barney, who pretend to be Ted’s most recent date in order to prevent him from calling her too soon. I’m usually not bothered by stuff that doesn’t advance the master plot about meeting the mother, and I certainly wasn’t bothered by this. However, with HIMYM, I prefer episodes that add to the overall plot of the series – be that Marshall and Lily’s adult responsibilities, Ted’s romantic quest or anything involving BRoLove. And this episode wasn’t any of those things. It was, however, totally funny. Why so funny? Let me count the ways:

1. Barney’s brief history of The Three Days Rule, which traces its origins to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who knew how to play to crowds and waited three days to resurrect himself because if he had just waited one day, like, nobody would have even known that he’d died. NPH’s delivery of this speech was amazing. In fact, when we have children, I think I shall make them listen to it every Easter as they stuff their little faces with pagan chocolate bunnies.

2. Ted’s naked lady laugh and its boundlessness. He will laugh at accidentally seeing Lily in the bathroom. He will laugh at National Geographic. And, my favorite, a faux-Picasso painting, with the addition of, “That’s a boobie.”

3. When Robin realizes what Marshall and Barney are up to: “You sons of bitches. You’re Holly.”

4. The Return of Ted’s Red Cowboy Boots! I’m so glad that Marshall and Barney came up with a way to get Ted to put those on. So, so glad.

5. Ted’s revenge texting scheme: telling Marshall and Barney that he has gay dreams about his best friend, causing the two of them to wonder which of them Ted would rather have sex with.

Why do we keep wanting to have sex with Ted?

Why do we keep wanting to have sex with Ted?

6. Marshall’s speech about his cuddliness. I wish I had written this whole thing down, but I was too excited by its inclusion that I kept tapping my husband exclaiming, “YOU HAVE TO PUT THAT ON A TEE SHIRT!!!” As such, all I was able to write down was the excellent end line to that speech: “I’m cuddly, bitch! Deal with it!” And so the similarities between my husband and Marshall continue. He is a cuddly motherfucker, and you just have to fucking deal with it.

7. “The machines are forcing you. They wanna watch. That’s just how they get down.” – Barney, explaining the scenario Marshall concocts to get Ted’s answer about which one of them he’d rather have sex with when the inevitable robot uprising occurs.

8. Stan. This dude is the mack daddy of sending sexy texty texts, sending ladies snippets of Pablo Neruda, which we know Ted loves from “The Naked Man,” where his date, Vicky, proclaims she hates Neruda because it’s all in Mexican and she prefers the poetry of Jewel, who has crooked teeth and lived in her car, so, you know, she’s got stuff to write about. This was an even better callback for me that I bet a lot of people missed because they were too busy focusing on how awesome Stan is. Stan is so the mack daddy of sexting that Marshall and Barney both fall in love with him a little bit, but he ultimately ditches them to go on a date with Robin. That dude is gonna be legendary. Just you wait.

On another note, Cobie Smulders is now so pregnant that flowy tops just aren’t working anymore. I bet that when Alyson Hannigan returns, Robin will be confined to the booth or her morning news program that nobody watches while Lily gets to do all the walking around, sans flowy tops and giant handbags. Also, I’m not the only one waiting for a baby Satyana Denisof cameo, right?

The Husband:

You know that guy, Stan? Played by the omnipresent Kevin Michael Richardson. Now, on look alone, you may remember him as Rockefeller Butts (best name ever) on ABC’s short-lived non-laugh track sitcom The Knights of Prosperity, but did you know that he is one of the most high-profile and prolific voice artists out there?

Go ahead. Click on his IMDB page. I dare you. Your mind will explode.

You may notice that, amidst all those voices, he not only did Goro in the Mortal Kombat movie, but he was also Deus Ex Machina in The Matrix Revolutions, and if you remember that scene, you know that he is the baddest muthaeffa of them all.

Besides, I think if there were a battle between animated show voices, Mr. Richardson would whoop some ass.

The Husband:

Now it seems that we have four shows to write about on Fox Sunday night, and all of them are funny, respectable and worthy of discussion. But I don’t want to overload you or this site with a bunch of black text (what? Me overwrite? Never!) and am sure you’d probably want me to get into the meat of it. But in case you’re wondering up front, I thought Sit Down, Shut Up was extremely funny, so much so that I even rewatched it yesterday on Hulu.

But now, let’s jump right into it.

King Of The Hill 13.14 “Born Again on the Fourth of July”

The Fourth of July celebrations in Arlen, Texas are fast approaching, and Hank and his buddies are in it to win it. Meaning, it’s finally time they showed up the a-holes a few blocks down (a group known for their ridiculously opulent fireworks thanks to their leader being a firefighter) with their own celebration of this country’s birth. Not everyone thinks they can stack up.

“You rednecks are as useless as a bucket of armpits!” – Kahn

But Hank is distracted. Why? Because Bobby has become so lazy, he can’t even muster up the energy to find his dress pants and go to church, choosing instead to take money out of Peggy’s wallet and order a pizza. This simply will not do, and despite some reservations, Hank allows Lucky to bring the misguided young boy to his own particular church.

“A church is a church no matter how much lucky makes it sound like a restaurant.” – Hank

Bobby’s mind is quite spongelike, though, and so he immediately takes to the overwrought spirituality of Lucky’s church, one that takes biblical implications and misreads them without considering the subtleties and changes to be made in our modern society. Bobby especially takes it upon himself to destroy all false idols, including the gigantic papier-mâché Uncle Sam that Hank and his buddies were to use for Independence Day.

As the show draws to a close – ABC hasn’t made any further advancement in buying up the show for next year, so this may be it – KOTH is easily reminding us what is so great, funny and loveable about this show. It’s about real characters with real problems, and while the rest of the Fox Sunday night lineup may be often funnier, its absurdity sometimes distances its viewers emotionally. KOTH has never suffered from that problem, even if its portrayal of conservative Texan life couldn’t be further from my own living experiences. Has anybody come up with a save-our-show campaign for this, even if it’s been on for over a decade?

“If he can see through fire, he can probably see through dark.” – Dale

The Simpsons 20.17 “The Good, The Sad and the Drugly”

When Milhouse takes the blame for a school prank he and Bart concocted (“Take him to the big house…where he lives.”), Bart considers becoming a better person when he falls in love with Jenny (voice of Anne Hathaway), a beautiful and goody-good fifth grader. But by the end, Milhouse finally learns to stand up for himself and Bart finds that he can’t be a good person without lying to those around him.

Meanwhile, Lisa is assigned a project to report on what the world will be like in 50 years, but when she plugs in a few numbers and hypotheticals, she learns that there may not be a world only five decades away. After reporting on her findings, the school decides to put her on a new medication, Ignorital. If you saw our last post on 90210, you’d know that I’m not entirely happy with this general pop culture consensus that taking behavioral medication is completely bad, but at least this episode made it much funnier and took on, specifically, the zombification that is assumed to come with taking something akin to Ritalin. While on Ignorital, everything Lisa sees turns into a smiley face, including blood and puke, and these images alone make up for the show’s own ignorance about behavioral psychiatry.

Other funny stuff from the episode:

  • Where the “Y” was (on Willie’s head)
  • “In 15 years, the vacuum will be quiet and not scary.” – Ralph
  • The fact that Ned is incapable of making devil’s food cake
  • “You can’t bleed through your nose when you have a broken heart.” – Milhouse
  • Lenny’s oddly specific speech to his dead grandma’s grave

Sit Down, Shut Up 1.1 “Pilot”

This show has about an equal amount of fans and detractors, so I was surprised to see how subversive and funny this project actually was. (It’s from Mitch Hurwitz, though, so I should have just expected it to be this way.) Intelligent, off-the-wall, bizarre and pretty damn hilarious, this is a bold slice of non sequitur humor that will no doubt confuse many but delight others.

A satire on high school comedies, as well as prime-time cartoons, this remake of an Australian show follows the exploits of several teachers and administrators at Knob Haven High School in Florida. (Even the name Knob Haven makes me giggle.) In the first episode, we learn that Larry Littlejunk (Jason Bateman) is hopelessly in love with the vapid flower child/Christian Miracle Grohe (Kristin Chenoweth), that the Knob Haven High football team is in dire need of a win (especially since, as the characters point out, it’s the pilot), Assistant Principal Stuart Proszakian (Will Forte) is given steroids that actually turn out to be librarian Helen’s female hormone treatment, Acting Principal Sue Sezno (Keenan Thompson) has to fire someone to support the new budget, etc. etc. etc.

Look at those things swing!

Look at those things swing!

The two characters that stand out so far is Ass Principal Stuart (not only because I think Will Forte is hilarious, but simply find his character’s design to be so goofily interesting) and Miracle (Chenoweth, a devout Christian, gets major props for being in on the joke that Fundamental Christianity doesn’t always mix with the public school system). Besides, they’re the two characters who get to say “You man!” in as many funny ways as they can. Happy (Spongebob himself, Tom Kenny), the school custodian, is also nonsensical enough to make me laugh for no real reason.

The fourth-wall breaking didn’t bother me in the slightest, and I was happy at how adult many of the jokes were, showing that there is indeed room for more “mature” humor on network TV. (Suck on it, PTC. Your concept of squeaky-clean television is more offensive to me than any problem you have with Family Guy or Nip/Tuck.) Keep it coming, Hurwitz clan.

Some good lines:

  • “Happy sad!” — Ennis Hofftard
  • “Do you have to dance to my kegel tape?!” – Helen Klench
  • “Why didn’t I sign up for the Internet when I had the chance?!” — Willard Deutschebog
  • “Can’t fire anybody who keeps kids from porno.” — Sezno

Family Guy 7.12 “Episode 420”

A rare mix from post-revival Family Guy, this yes-on-marijuana-legalization episode was both provocative and funny, and even if it’s definitely NOT humorous to nonchalantly stab a cat several times for no good reason, the rest of the ep more than made up for that instance of NOOOOOOOO!

After Peter accidentally kills Quagmire’s new cat, James, Peter gets pulled over, but even though he’s covered in blood, he is let go. Unfortunately, the cops find a baggie on Brian’s person and send him to jail.

“So, Brian, did you do any hard time, or hardly working? … Penis.” – Peter

When he gets out, Brian decides to change Quahog and puts through a petition to legalize marijuana. No matter where you stand on its legalization, certain facts cannot be denied, many of which Brian mentions. (The falsity behind why the herb became illegal in the first place, the propaganda about its untrue dangers, those animated anti-drug ads with the dog are really stupid, etc.) Culminating in FG‘s second musical sequence based on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (following “I Have James Woods”), the town learns that “Everything is Better with a Bag of Weed.”

Truly, everything is better with a bag of weed.

Truly, everything is better with a bag of weed.

But when Carter’s business starts to be affected, he makes Brian a deal he can’t refuse — if he chooses instead to speak out against legal bud, then Carter will publish Brian’s novel. Brian accepts, but then is devastated to learn that his book does not sell one copy.

I think that the closer people get to the hemp/marijuana culture, the more they understand that its dangers pale in comparison to alcohol and tobacco, and that if treated with moderation, there really isn’t anything to worry about. But if that’s not your bag (in the figurative sense), then fine. Live and let live.

Funny bits from the episode:

  • Quagmire showing his kitty the Mary Tyler Moore company logo (a mewing kitten), which I have definitely done with my cats
  • Busting on both Baby Mama and Rocketeer, even though I thought the former was funny and the latter is one of the most awesome movies of the 90s.
  • “No! Those are my Diet Rites!” – Carter
  • Peter’s monologue regarding both Harold & Kumar GotTo White Castle and How I Met Your Mother.

American Dad 4.16 “Delorean Story-An”

Stan and Steve don’t seem to be bonding as much as they probably should, so Stan finally sucks it up and takes Steve on a quest to find the final part of the Delorean Stan has been rebuilding for years now — the passenger door. Going on a cross-country quest, they band together in order to beat another Delorean completist going for the same door.

Not a whole lot to write about, no, but it was a very touching and very funny episode, one of those American Dads I’ve been waiting for this season to show the haters that not only is this show remarkably funny, it also has a great big heart.

(And, of course, it can be extremely bizarre, demonstrated this week by the B-story in which Francine, Klaus, Roger and Hayley try way too hard to have an adventure of their own, leading to my favorite line of the night: “Your gibberish got me punched in the boob.” – Francine)

Other good lines from American Dad:

  • “Bet he’s having an affair with one of those self-storage whores.” – Roger
  • “Is that a story? No. It’s an addiction.” – Roger
  • The gas station called Gas of the Mohicans
  • “I like Criss Angel. He freaks my mind!” – Roger
  • Steve: You don’t know how to blow a bubble?
    Stan: Well you don’t know how to make love to a woman!

The Wife:

Thanks to CliqueClack’s Keith McDuffee, I now know the difference between peanut butter and jam, the joke so offensive to Lily that it sent her off for four weeks to have a baby and start wearing normal Lily clothes again.

If you click that link and read my blog because you’re my friend, however, that joke is really lame and totally not even funny or offensive at all, right? It was definitely better when I didn’t know the difference between peanut butter and jam because the humor wasn’t in the joke, but in Lily’s absurd baby-having overreaction. It was a much better way to give Alyson Hannigan some maternity leave to deliver baby Satyana (on her own birthday, no less) than Robin’s endless parade of very flowy tops in this episode. As always, I love when the showrunners randomly stick a large prop in the middle of the scene to hide a baby bump, and the best bit of that in this episode was Robin emerging from her bedroom only to be blocked in the midsection by a living room lamp that I don’t think was ever there before. Not as good as the globe on Lily’s desk, but still funny.

With one player on the bench, there were only two plots this week: Ted and Robin with Mosbius Designs and Barney and Marshall at GNB. Both, however, are about making a name for themselves. Ted struggles to make headway with his new business that he has inconveniently set up in his home and so hires an assistant, who, after refusing to let Robin into the “office bathroom,” ends up having an extended sexual tryst with Robin, which drives Ted crazy, forcing him to fire assistant PJ, only to find that its even more annoying for PJ to be in the apartment as Robin’s boytoy. Ted hired PJ back and the cycle begins anew. Meanwhile, Marshall feels like he doesn’t have a work identity, leading to a plot full of funny cutaways and sight gags, although not much content. Because Food Guy is Food Guy and Toy Guy is Toy Guy, Marshall tries to become Sports Guy, running the office fantasy sports leagues. (He’d have been fantasy guy, but that job was already taken.) Unfortunately, he finds carrying around that much money is too hard and makes him paranoid.

You cant peanut butter your dick up someones ass.

You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

There is a great tie between these two plots, however, in Barney’s admission of his love for Robin to Marshall. I’ll list all the funny stuff later, but the best part of this episode for me was Barney’s face when Ted announced that Robin was sleeping with PJ. He tried to hard to cover by being shocked that Ted hadn’t hired a hot female assistant for himself to sleep with, but the shock was because Robin had found someone, and that it wasn’t him. Of course, Lily, not being able to keep secrets, had already told Marshall of Barney’s love for Robin, so the admission wasn’t a surprise to him. Still, he and Barney come up with a solution to everyone’s problem by hiring PJ as a paralegal at GNB, successfully getting him away from both Ted and Robin and making him run the fantasy sports leagues, allowing Marshall to get all the credit, but not have any of the stress of handling the money.

I hope Alyson Hannigan returns soon, because something really is missing without Lily.

Funny stuff:

  • “A penny saved is a Penny Marshall! Yes!” – Ted, playing Wheel of Fortune over Robin’s shoulder, which was funny to me because Wheel really is that easy
  • Everything about Toy Guy.
  • But especially Toy Guy eating a hot dog from Food Guy with his Wolverine claws.
  • “Hey, Ted . . . this table just told me you’re a douche.” – Robin
  • Why no, Ted, Robin is not the Empire State Building . . .
  • Robin: How does Ted’s ass taste?
    PJ: I don’t know, but I bet it tastes like genius.
  • Fantasy Guy.
  • “Marshall! Storm off with me!” – Barney
  • Barney’s reaction to Marshall saying that he and Lily always sit on the same side of the booth to force Robin and Barney to sit together: “Awww, you guys, that’s so sweet!”
  • “She’s pure evil, Marshall. You got a good one there. Hang on to her.” – Barney, on Lily the Puppetmistress
  • “Pure evil, Erickson. Pure evil.” – Barney, on Marshall’s final solution for PJ
  • Robin very briefly dating Fantasy Guy.
  • The ninja.

The Husband:

I don’t know. I think the joke is pretty funny, but it’s definitely a dude joke, and it’s definitely all in how one delivers it. I think it would work best if you just kind of mumbled the punchline matter-of-factly and moved on with the conversation, leaving others with the sensation that something might have just happened in their brain, but they don’t exactly know what it was. Like how I expect one feels when they have a stroke. Because “peanut butter” is not a verb.

But I think the fact that my wife doesn’t find the joke even the slightest bit offensive makes me extra-glad I married her. (Wife’s Note: Awww, thanks, baby!)

The Wife:

And so the quest for Orion continues. Knowing that Orion can get the Intersect out of Chuck’s head, he worries that the General isn’t doing everything in her power to find the mystery man, and starts doing a little digging on his own. As it turns out, Orion is just as desperate to find Chuck and has been following Chuck’s every move and outsmarting Fulcrum while doing it. He contacts Chuck through a Buy More computer system and tells him that he’s going to send him a computer so they can talk on a secure connection . . . a computer that the Buy Morians mistake for the new computer model that they’ve been trying to get their hands on before their sweater-wearing rivals at the Beverly Hills store.

When Orion’s computer arrives at the Buy More, Jeff, Lester and Morgan get a hold of it and accidentally send a Predator attack drone to the store . . . until Morgan realizes that, if they’re going to send even a virtual attack drone somewhere, it should be the Beverly Hills store. Luckily, Chuck figures out what the guys are up to and calls off the attack drone before any damage occurs. Big Mike then locks up the computer and puts Emmit on night watch, so Sarah, Casey and Chuck have only one hope of getting the computer back and finding out why Orion would send an attack drone after Chuck: robbing the Buy More. Ah, but Jeff and Lester also want to rob the store to get the computer back. And so do some Fulcrum head honchos, who have finally realized that a suspicious number of their operatives turn up dead at the same retail store.

In the ensuing tripe-robbery melee, Chuck gets caught stealing the computer by the guy who played Imhotep in The Mummy and gets captured. Casey scares Jeff and Lester, who in turn frighten Emmit, who pepper sprays them, leaving Casey to punch out Emmit and shoot Chuck’s captor in one really bad-ass action sequence. By the way, seeing Casey in a ski mask really made me wish that Adam Baldwin would do a guest spot on Delocated.

With the computer in the right hands, Sarah hands it off to the NSA and the General rules that Chuck remain under strict house arrest in case he has been compromised. (This ruling is the first time The General has appeared as more than just a video feed, and, man, is Bonita Federicy a tiny, tiny woman.) While The General, Casey and Sarah discuss what to die, Orion calls Chuck while he’s sequestered in his room and tells our hero that he’s not with Fulcrum. He sends Chuck and image of the plans for the Intersect to prove that he is who he says he is. He warns Chuck not to trust his handlers, as the General reveals that she wants to keep Chuck from meeting Orion because she doesn’t want the Intersect to ever leave his brain.

Orion gives Chuck an escape plan to evade his handlers and computer-meet with him, where he asks to meet with Chuck as soon as possible. Meanwhile, that guy who played The Mummy crawls out of his body bag, and Sarah and Casey realize that Chuck has given them the slip, arriving just in time to keep their asset from being shot. Seeing that Chuck was close to capture, Orion sets the Predator drone on himself. Chuck tries to stop the attack drone, but Orion won’t let Chuck reprogram the drone’s trajectory. And so Chuck’s only hope of ever getting the Intersect out of his head goes up in flames . . . that is, save for the goodies about the Fulcrum Intersect that Orion slipped under Chuck’s pillow.

I really liked where this episode was going (and highly enjoyed the subplot where the Burbank Buy More totally destroys the BevHills Buy More when they think they’ve been robbed by them), so imagine how disappointing it was to see that the Orion arc stalled the next week to make way for a plot in which Sarah gets fired (briefly) and a new agent, Alex Forrest (Battlestar Galactica‘s Tricia Helfer), is brought on to handle Chuck. This isn’t to say that “Chuck vs. the Broken Heart” wasn’t good in its own right . . . I simply would have preferred that it not stall an arc with such good momentum. So without Sarah, Chuck’s heart is broken, but so is Ellie’s, as Alex and Casey require the use of Captain Awesome’s hospital key card to plant a bug in a very special terrorist patient during surgery.

“You two are a match made in a very frightening part of heaven.” – Chuck, in re: Casey and Alex

And how do they get that keycard? Alex, who is exactly like a female version of Casey in every way right down to saying the same things at the same time, wants to tranq Awesome and steal it while he’s passed out. Chuck would rather that they simply lift it off of Awesome during his bachelor party, which, unfortunately, isn’t all that easy, because instead of keeping his key card in his wallet, he keeps it on a chain under his shirt. Alex takes this mission into her own hands by dressing as a sexy cop stripper and carting Awesome off for a private lap dance in the Buy More’s media room. When she tries to take his key card off, he expresses that he needs to keep it because he’ll lose his job without it and that he doesn’t want to do anything that could upset his Ellie. Alex reverts to Plan A and tranqs Awesome . . . and then allows everyone at the party to take pictures of him that make him look like he had passed out and done far worse things then he actually did, the discovery of which greatly disappoints Ellie.

Theyre even making Cylons in stripper form now . . .

They're even making Cylons in stripper form now . . .

On top of that, the terrorist guys discover the bug planted in their ailing comrade and go searching for the responsible surgeon so that the bug can be removed. When Chuck sees the baddies approaching his house, he spares Awesome by pretending to be him and ends up being forced to perform surgery in a bank vault . . . OR DIE! When Alex and Casey lose Chuck, Sarah joins back in (after using the government computer while her access code still works to find Chuck’s missing father so he can walk Ellie down the aisle) and helps crack a the locked vault while Chuck fends off his captor by filling the room with nitrous so that they’re both just super-stoned. And even then, he manages to find out the piece of information the CIA had wanted all along about where a certain terrorist was hiding, just by asking his stoned companion.


“Sarah . . . is it really you, or am I super-stoned?” – Chuck


Sarah is reinstated in her position as Chuck’s handler, and he confesses to her that he feels terrible for Captain Awesome’s involvement in the events of this mission and how they’ve affected his relationship with Ellie. All Chuck wants to do, he says, is tell his sister everything. Knowing that he can’t, Sarah offers him an alternative. She hands him his father’s address, asserting that it’s about damned time the US Government did something for Chuck Bartowski to repay him for holding so many secrets in his head.

And so the two head off to visit Chuck’s father’s lonely airstream trailer, where he sees Dr. Sam Beckett for the first time in ten years and asks his father to come to Ellie’s wedding. First of all, I somehow managed to not know that Scott Fucking Bakula was going to be on the show, and I have no idea how I avoided that news. I am a huge Quantum Leap fan and take great delight in “dooting” the theme song. I don’t think I was conscious of the fact that it was an NBC show, though, so hearing Bakula make an awkward QL joke during the NBC chimes promos between shows was not only very odd, but it makes me wonder how many Chuck fans even know about QL and how awesome it was. Further QL awkwardness occurred when Papa Bartowski laid eyes on Ellie for the first time in ten years, and she burst into tears over pancakes and walked away. “Oh boy,” Papa Bartowski says, recalling Sam’s catchphrase from the end of each QL episode where he jumps into a new body. I felt like Bakula was not comfortable saying it; that’s how awkwardly it filled that space. Wouldn’t it have been more relevant to make a joke about Enterprise? You know, keeping a Robert Duncan McNeill episode in the Trek family?

Preparing for the final leap home.

Preparing for the final leap home.

Two poorly-realized QL jokes aside, this episode brought Chuck back to the momentum it was building in “Chuck vs. the Predator,” and I think “Chuck vs. the Dream Job” is actually one of my favorite Chuck episodes ever. It had a great balance of action and humor and deftly handled the mytharc elements with Chuck’s emotional narrative – and it helps that, cult status aside, the casting directors made a good choice in having Scott Bakula play Zachary Levi’s father. They’ve both got that lean, skinny face, which is striking enough for me to believe that they’d be related.

After only having their father back in their lives for a short time, Ellie and Chuck realize that he’s a little bit off his rocker, rambling about plasma technology and touch screens and how his former business partner and computer mega-mogul Ted Roark. Chuck flashes on an ad for Roark’s upcoming NextExpo amongst his dad’s crazy papers. Roark will be releasing a new operating system, free for download to anyone with an internet connection at the expo – an operating system that may release a virus onto all the world’s computers, effectively destroying modern living. In order to stop this, Chuck has to get a job at Roark Industries – and he gets to do it as himself, with his name, his resume and his Stanford degree. And when Chuck makes it through that job interview and lands the position on his own merits, that’s one of my favorite moments in this episode, when he realizes that, maybe, even with the Intersect in his head, he can have a normal life and get the kind of tech job he’s always wanted to have but never had the ambition to get after his expulsion from Stanford.

Jeff and Lester find out about the expo and desperately want to go. They see Chuck accepting the RI job and rat him out to Morgan, who, in turn, blurts this out at the Bartowski family dinner, greatly disappointing Chuck’s father when he learns that his son has gone to work for the man that ruined him. (By the way, I love a world where Chevy Chase and Scott Bakula are mortal enemies.) At NextExpo, Chuck flashes on a Fulcrum computer terrorist and realizes that when Roark presses the button to release his operating system, shit is going to go down. Sarah and Casey try to stop the release by hacking the security system, but Roark has made his security system very snarky and unhackable (“Wrong again; should I call security?”). The only thing Chuck can do is throw himself onstage and try to reason with Roark, which fails, leading Chuck to steal the trigger from Roark’s hand and try to run away with it until he gets clotheslined by the very man who hired him. (Chuck’s attempted theft makes Scott Bakula very happy, as he watched the podcast on his Dell Netbook.)

Ellie accuses her father of putting Chuck up to executing a vendetta against Roark. When Awesome tries to apologize for Ellie, Papa Bartowski tells him that she’s only mad at him about the bachelor party because she doesn’t want the man she’s going to marry to turn into her father and desert her. He also goes to make amends with Chuck, telling his son that if he wants to work for Roark, he should, and not let his past ruin his son’s future. After this pep talk, Chuck takes out some plans he received from Orion about the Intersect and overlays them on a map of the RI campus. They’re a perfect match. What if, Chuck supposes, RI has an Intersect? And what if the Rios virus is really a Trojan Horse? What it if won’t destroy the world’s computers, but rather farm them for information to populate the new Intersect?

Sarah and Casey aren’t keen on Chuck’s plan, so he decides to go it alone, gearing up at the Castle and successfully tranquing Casey when he tries to impede Chuck’s progress. (Adam Baldwin’s tranq face is golden, by the way.) When Chuck breaks in, he sees his dad trying to bargain with Roark’s people to get Chuck’s job back. Tranq guns a-blazing, Chuck takes the opportunity to rescue his dad by incapacitating the entire security team that tries to remove him from the building. To Chuck’s surprise, his dad handles the next batch of security personnel that come at them and both Bartowski boys admit that they’re not who they say they are. Per my inclination, Papa B reveals himself to be Orion, the inventor of the Intersect, which he knows is now stored in his son’s head. He’s been living off the grid and playing crazy all these years so that Fulcrum wouldn’t find him and ask him to create a new Intersect. More importantly, he left to protect his children from the potential horrors his work could have brought upon them.

Dude, thats not Ziggy and Im not Al. Let it go.

Dude, that's not Ziggy and I'm not Al. Let it go.

Together, Chuck and his dad break into the room where Fulcrum’s unpopulated Intersect is being kept. Papa Bartowski tries to remove the Intersect from Chuck’s brain by essentially overwriting it, but Roark catches them in the process and shuts them down. (It doesn’t help that Intersect 2.0 doesn’t entirely work just yet.) Roark wants to have Chuck killed, but Papa Bartowski won’t stand for it and agrees to build whatever Roark wants in exchange for his son going free. So Sarah and Casey come for Chuck, and have to hold him back as his father once again is taken from him. He is, however, able to convince the General to approve his team for the Stephen Bartowski recovery mission, which I think sets us up for an excellent string of episodes leading up to the season finale.

The Husband:

Yeah, the last three episodes have been the best that Chuck has ever been. They are A-grade action/spy/comedy/adventure, some of the most exciting and pleasing hours of television of the year. “Chuck vs. the Predator,” especially, was I believe the show’s best mix of comedy, action and extremely dangerous circumstances ever, the most emotional the show has been while never losing sight of its surface-level fun.

But yes, “Chuck vs. the Dream Job” had the most powerful character work of the show’s entire run, and it really makes me wonder why the hell the show even bothers doing a mission-of-the-week format so often when it’s clear that their mytharcs are so aggressively planned out and treated with such intelligence and respect. I don’t know if it’s just a way for writers to lay back every once in a while or is just studio interference, but these episodes just make me depressed that the only episodes of Chuck my sister seems to watch whenever she’s over Monday night for some Gossip Girl/HIMYM sweetness are the stand-alone ones that really serve no actual purpose.

But honestly, did you think that, at the beginning of the first season, you’d care so much about such a simple thing as one character being held back from crossing through a set of sliding doors and all that action entailed? Judging from the show’s viewer dropoff between seasons, I would hazard a “no.” Pity. I’d hate for Chuck (and the incomparable Life) to be the two biggest casualties between this TV season and the next, thanks mostly to the Jay Leno debacle of 2009.

The Wife:

So, let me start off by saying that the only Lethal Weapon movie I’ve ever seen is Lethal Weapon 4. My parents are Trekkies (no, they are not Trekkers – they’re not that serious about their sci-fi), so I wasn’t really raised on action movies. As such, I admit that I am an embarrassment to faux entertainment journalism and have no business commenting on this episode.

But I will say this: even without knowing the Lethal Weapon franchise inside and out, this was a pretty enjoyable episode. Barney’s idiotic attempt to complete everything on Ted’s Murtaugh list (“I’m too old for this . . . stuff”) was amazing, and I’m especially fond of the running gag about how infected his self-pierced ear was becoming over the course of the episode, as well as the sight of NPH in blue pants, a fishnet top and a pink wig during his “go to a rave” exercise. Even though I’m only in my mid-20s, I definitely recognize some things on the Murtaugh list that I have deemed myself too old for. Halfway through college I decided I was too old to hang pictures on my walls without frames and subsequently got fucking every poster I owned framed. I’ve noticed that many other bloggers are creating their own Murtaugh lists, so I offer a couple of brief things that I, as a woman of 24, am too old for:

  1. I am too old to shop at Hot Topic.

  2. I am too old to shop at Forever 21. (I mean, hello. It’s not called Forever 24.)

Those are the only two I can think of at the moment, actually, but I’m sure my husband has a few for his list.

Why does this remind me of the candy photoshoot from Make Me a Supermodel?

Why does this remind me of the candy photoshoot from Make Me a Supermodel?

In addition to the list of things Ted is too old for, Barney and Robin challenge him to complete a list of old person things that Ted is too young for, hoping to prove to him that its just as absurd to try to reach old age too soon as it is to desperately cling to youth. Where Barney goes to raves until four in the morning and helps someone move into a sixth floor walk-up in exchange for pizza and beer, Ted eats dinner at 4 p.m. and goes to bed at 8 p.m. In the end, though, they both realize that they should just enjoy being their own age, and subsequently head over to Barney’s laser tag arena and TP the place – retribution for Barney’s expulsion from the almighty force that is the laser tag arena.

Marshall and Lily had a sub-plot in this episode related to the age-appropriateness theme of the episode in which Lily encourages Marshall to coach her kindergarten basketball team, something she clearly sees as Dad practice. She is shocked, however, to learn that Marshall treats the kindergarten basketball team as though they’re a college team participating in March Madness, giving them more tough love than they’ve ever known in their short lives. When Lily tells him that there’s no winning and losing and that everyone gets a participation trophy, Marshall flips out, revealing that he coaches basketball the way his dad coached him, which drove him to improve himself and go after the things he wanted in life. Lily turns the tough love on Marshall and demands that he stop coaching the kids to win and that there is no way in hell he’ll treat their own children that way. Then, after a basketball game where the opposing team grows several feet with each telling of the story and ends with a Teen Wolf on the court and a final score of 118-0 (with the zero being Lily’s class), Marshall gets his participation trophy and realizes that Lily’s method of teaching isn’t totally stupid.

The basketball sequence here was pretty hilarious, and I have to admit that there’s something adorable about Marshall trying to treat 5-year-olds like 18-year-olds. Other than the Teen Wolf, my favorite part of this sequence was probably Jason Segel being unable to deliver the line “That’s not running, that’s falling!” without cracking. If I learn anything from watching Wife Swap, though, it’s that Marshall and Lily are both right because it is important for a person’s efforts to be appreciated, even if they don’t win, and its also important for them to learn that they can work hard to achieve things. In fitting with the theme, though, there is a sense of age-appropriateness in regards to those ideologies. Really little kids don’t need to concentrate on winning and losing, but older kids do need that sense of purpose and achievement.

Other funny:

  • Barney with a hunchback from moving that sixth-floor walk-up, trying to do a shot with strangers, but ultimately just licking the glass.
  • Robin’s suggestion that Lethal Weapon is a rip-off of the Canadian franchise McElroy and Mafleur.
  • Robin’s rave outfit: leftover from her Robin Sparkles days? Discuss.

The Husband:

I don’t have a Murtaugh list so much as a general connection to Ted and Barney’s predicament that I’m really starting to feel the things I cannot in good conscience or in good body do again. I quit drinking hard liquor over 11 months ago (and goddamn do I feel good about that decision) and with the help of my wife am trying to eat more organic food and cut down on the unnecessary prospect of processed food. That takes care of a lot of my inner gears and sprockets. But more broadly, it’s generally more things I was able to do when I was much younger that just seem kind of pointless. This runs the gamut from climbing trees and playing a damn good game of hide-and-seek to frequenting theme parks as much as I used to or just randomly buying candy for no good reason. All of these are great things, but I think finally living with someone other than my family or a roommate plus having an actual full-time job has rearranged my priorities in life without me even noticing, and I seem to simply be accepting them.

I don’t know what I’m talking about right now. I’m on antibiotics. They’re making my brain googly. Deal with it.

The Husband:

Since this isn’t technically a recap site, despite how much my wife writes recaps, that’s more of her personal stylistic choice than an agreed-upon structure. I’m more into critique, and sometimes I feel myself moving away from this stylistic choice in instances where I just have to get an article off the ground in a restricted amount of time (usually at work when I’m super-busy), or when my brain just isn’t working, because as long as you have a good memory, recapping isn’t hard. But since I’ve been way behind on both Shonda Rhimes shows, thanks to a four-day weekend in Arizona as well as me having a month-long coughing fit that has forced me out of the office and into the world of work-from-home, I think I can easily jump back into the showrunner’s world without completely overwriting anything.

First, things that have been on my mind over the last three weeks of Grey’s Anatomy.

Karev

Formerly my least favorite character on the show (and aside from Tommy Walker, perhaps of all the ABC shows I watched), I am amazed to declare that he has, post Elizabeth-Reaser-needs-a-face drama, grown into maybe Seattle Grace’s most emotionally and intellectually interesting. Who knew that banging Izzie would bring out his tender side (when that happens, that character either dies [Denny] or becomes a whiney joke version of his former self [George]), which does wonders balancing out his friendly but professionally stern bedside manner? He has become the resident you want to have next to you, thanks to his major leaps and bounds in his own medical prowess as well as being able to completely control any case that comes his way. His immaturity that completely turned me off to him has been replaced by some residual charm left over when Addison left Seattle Grace right around the time she and Karev shared a couple kisses here and there. He’s the one character who seems to live by my sister’s all-time best words of advice – “just handle it.” He has Sloan’s swagger without his dickishness, and he has Meredith’s heart without her…Meredith-ness.

Derek

So I get the whole what-does-my-life-and-my-job-mean freakout that Derek had after losing Jennifer Westfeldt and being called a murderer by Ben Shenkman, and I get that it’s a terrible thing to stack every single one of his medical cases next to each other and realizing that he has “killed” more people than he has “saved” (kind of a given when you’re a neurosurgeon, though), his mobile home drunken nonsense was just that – nonsense. Killing brain cells and getting all up-in-a-bitch’s-face with Meredith, ending with him ultimately taking the engagement ring he bought for her and smacking it into the forest thanks to a handy nearby baseball bat, was emotional, yes, but it was also completely not-Derek. Way to create some random drama for no real reason, writers. We viewers already declared that we are no longer into a will-they-or-won’t-they with Deredith, so it was just a complete waste of time. And the only thing to get him out of the drunken funk? Izzie having metastatic melanoma in her briz-ain. Which moves us into the next category…

Derek’s Proposal

I seem to be disagreeing with a great deal of people here, but I found Derek’s ultimate solution to proposing to Meredith to be remarkably creepy. What he did was take an elevator at Seattle Grace and put it out of service, and he then lined the walls with C.T. scans that chronicled his case history with Meredith’s services, right from the beginning all the way to their current Izzie-has-melanoma case, and then told her he wasn’t going to “pop the question” so much as just mumble some stuff about destiny and hospitals and junk. A.) the hospital probably needs that elevator because…well…they’re in a hospital; B.) those are scans of dying people, an oddly terrifying display of the morbidity that defines Deredith. But hey, at least they’re engaged now. That ain’t no problem.

Izzie

Just quit whining and accept your treatment. Jesus Christ. First you took all the interns and focused them all entirely on your case, then you complain about how far the melanoma has traveled, even though you basically just should have opened up immediately about her hallucinations months ago, and then you whine some more. People say Meredith is the whiner. No sir. That honor belongs to Isobel Stevens. But at least this story is progressing. And unless we want Derek to completely lose his shit for letting a good friend die, she is going to be fine by season’s end. She may not be capable of being a doctor anymore, which makes it easy to write her out of the show, but she will live. Just like Penny IS NOT DEAD on Lost, because those writers are basically hopeless romantics at heart, Izzie has to live.

Owen & Cristina

No, for the last time, your name is not Dan Vassar!

No, for the last time, your name is not Dan Vassar!

Hey Cristina, did you think you’d be able to actually sleep after getting nightmare-strangled by your PTSD-ing doctor boyfriend? I appreciate the effort to keep y’all together, but sometimes your head does stupid things…like letting the man who almost unintentionally killed you spend another night next to you in bed. I still think they are one of the show’s perfect couples, so now that Owen is actually dealing with his army past, we may be in for some very nice final episodes to this season.

Guest Stars

This is a complete throwaway section, but I was just happy to see a nice mixture of guest stars in one episode. This was the three siblings whose family had a big history of nearly everybody suffering from cancer, and those three siblings were A.) Heather Mosby from HIMYM, B.) the jailbait-loving English teacher from Swingtown and C.) the woman who voiced both Jane and Quinn on Daria, all together in one room. (So hey, MTV, when are you going to release full seasons of Daria on DVD aside from the occasional special. We’re waiting.)

Now onto Private Practice:

Addison + Men

Man, people online are really turning on Addison. Why? Because she’s interested in a married man. You see, she was scrubbing in at St. Ambrose at the same time that a cute male doctor was scrubbing out, and this became a major back-and-forth bit of flirting. And since it’s Josh Hopkins from Swingtown, and I always forget his character’s name, I refer to him as Dr. Swingtown. At the end of Dr. Swingtown’s first episode, we find out that he is not only married, but he is actually married to Amanda Detmer (from Saving Silverman and What About Brian?), a major patient of Addison’s, being a pregnant woman who keeps losing her pregnancies. Addison has so far resisted Dr. Swingtown’s advances post-discovery, but this dude is really setting her loins on fire, and she really isn’t going to last much longer. Now, the online bloggers and commenters are really getting on Addison’s case for being an adulterer yet again. But here’s the thing: this time she’s not being the adulterer. That would be Dr. Swingtown. She’s just the other woman, and IMO that’s really not on her. She’s not married to Derek and cheating with Sloan, and she’s not dating SWAT guy and banging the dude from Better Off Ted. Call her a homewrecker, and that’s fine, but this is a new Addison, who just happens to have some bad luck in love. But this is not her up to her old tricks, because she’s not. Got it?

(And yes, I realize that Grant Show, who plays Addison’s brother Archer Montgomery, was also on Swingtown playing the über-swinging airline pilot Tom, but Archer Montgomery is too good of a name to deny, and so Josh Hopkins, who played the far more conservative character Roger who by the end of that dearly departed show was heavily lusting after Susan, another redhead, is now labeled with the moniker. Just FYI.)

The Show’s Actual Concept of Psychiatry/Psychology

Okay, I get why Violet had to really get inside Amber Benson’s brain a few episodes ago in order to rejigger her repressed memories about when she was carjacked and beaten to a fucking pulp, because she was using some basic Psychology 101 for that. But during the next episode, I really started to question her actual methods and if any of them work. Amanda Foreman (the goth roommate from Felicity and the bartender wife from What About Brian?) had struggled to get pregnant, and now that she had, she’s unwilling to deal with the actual truth – the fetus inside her is dead, and the longer she keeps it in her, the more susceptible she is to sepsis and all other kinds of ookiness. No matter what Violet told her, Amanda Foreman just simply wouldn’t accept the truth. Until Dell shows up. You see, Dell has been dealing with Baby Mama Drama, which ultimately results in said former drug addict Baby Mama taking their daughter and moving to Missouri. And so Dell, saddened by this news, stares at the wall and mutters something about losing children with Amanda Foreman nearby, and it’s this speech (and not any of Violet’s tactics) that gets her to accept that she needs to get that dead fetus outta her body. Nope. Nothing that Violet did. Just some mumbling from a bleached-out surfer boy midwife. Me? I don’t think that’s how it works. I’ve been in enough therapy to at least reach some opinion on that.

Taye Diggs

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Actually, I’m fine with everything Taye has been doing, and I very much like his interplay with his ex-wife Naomi (Audra McDonald) as they rejoin the dating world. I just bring him up because of something Vanessa L. Williams said to Marc on a recent Ugly Betty:

“What is it with white people and Taye Diggs?”

Good point, Wilhelmina. Good point. I guess it’s his sweet lovin’ marriage to the awesome Tony Award-winner Idina Menzel that attracts us to him. Or it’s just because he’s awesome. (Btw, good job, Shonda, for finally bringing Idina onto Private Practice as a single mother and potential love interest for Pete, who is so over which sperm, his or Sheldon’s, got Violet pregnant.