The Wife:

If you wondered why we haven’t written about our usual weekend shows (i.e. Dollhouse, Animation Domination, ABC Sunday Night Chardonnay and Chocolate Fest, etc.) or even our usual Thursday night shows, it’s because we let our DVR collect morsels and goodies for us over the weekend as we headed to Arizona for Oakland A’s Spring Training. Let me tell you something, kids. Arizona is hot. My living room is much, much cooler. The first thing we watched when we got back was The Amazing Race, the safe way to travel to hot climates such as India without ever having to encounter abject poverty or leave your couch! Whee!

From the cold climes of Russia, racers flew to Jaipur, India, a place that I bet is as hot as Arizona, taking connecting flights through Moscow and New Dehli, therefore giving everyone a chance to catch up, which was especially helpful for Christine and Jodi, who faced a Speed Bump in this leg of the race after having avoiding Philemination last week. Once on the ground in India’s pink city, racers had to grab a taxi and head to a sacred tree outside the city, where they would receive their next clue by calling one of the red telephones guarded by an opium-smoking man who, for obvious reasons, made me think of the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. Mel and Mike got off to a bit of a rough start when their taxi driver abandoned them, letting all of the other teams jet off ahead of them. Mel further endeared himself to me by not only being the most polite person to “yell” at a taxi driver in a civilized manner that still conveyed his frustration and urgency (that’s why “yell” isn’t exactly the right word), but that he also felt terrible about having to say something negative to the cabbie at all and admitted that he would feel badly about it for the rest of the day.

On their way to the sacred tree on the outskirts of Jaipur, everyone was very touched by the extreme poverty they witnessed, apparently for the first time in their lives. Even though parts of New Orleans were covered in garbage and people were living in shanties after Hurricane Katrina, I guess that’s just not as bad as seeing people who live that way when not as a result of a natural disaster. Luke cried. Cara shed some tears for all of Jaipur’s homeless animals, because she, like me, likes animals a lot more than she likes people. I remember Goth Girl Vyxen shed some tears when she visited India a few seasons back — does TAR only send racers to India so that they’ll weep about the poor? It’s starting to seem that way.

Victor and Tammy take a fast lead as the first team not only to reach the sacred tree, but also the first to quickly figure out the whole “using the phone” thing. From there, teams were told to drive to Amber Fort to get their next clue, a Road Block in which one person from each team had to care for a group of the Maharajah’s royal camels using the traditional techniques of carrying water to a trough and stacking hay. First of all, those camels sure looked purty wearing them headdresses and the like! Second of all, I sadly cannot say or hear the word maharajah without hearing this in my head. (I also think about the way Richard Roxburgh as The Duke sneers the word later in the film, with the appropriate hand gesture.)

Most people kind of sucked at following the directions on this challenge, using their water pail to carry hay when there were clearly larger hay baskets available, or, in Kisha’s case, stuffing hay down her shirt as a means of conveyance, which, though creative and functional, was definitely a strange choice. Some dude in the background got kicked by a camel, and Tammy straight up fell down, even though it was her brother who actually did this challenge. They finished first and continued their breakout lead, while Mike White worried that his dad, who chose to do this Road Block despite his age (and because Mike couldn’t do all of them) seemed to be struggling. Nonetheless, Mel White is hella gangster and finished the challenge second and, in Mike’s words, totally smoked the competition.

There is no such thing as a bad photo of Mike White.

There is no such thing as a bad photo of Mike White.

With the Road Block complete, teams taxied to a puppet stand in the local market where they were presented with their Detour for this leg of the race:

1. Movers, in which teams pedaled rickshaws 1.5 miles to a loading dock where they would unload the nine barrels on their cart and search through the hay contained within to find a tiny silver elephant.

2. Shakers, in which teams joined up with a local street band, put on horse costumes and danced for 100 rupees.

Mark and Michael chose to move the barrels of hay, although I have no fucking clue as to why. Why, when given the choice to merely dance like an idiot for coins on the street, a task involving no skill whatsoever, would you choose a task that involved you to ride a bike for 1.5 miles through Indian traffic, and then do some manual labor and then literally search through a haystack for a tiny thing? Why would you do that? That doesn’t even make sense, strategically. I knew when they chose this that they were going to come in last, or close to last, depending on how Christine and Jodi handled their Speed Bump, which, by the way, they had to do before they could do their Road Block. The Speed Bump? Painting an elephant so that it could be just as purty for an upcoming festival as the Maharajah’s camels. Honestly, that was the best Speed Bump ever. They looked like they were having fun, they didn’t even have to paint it that accurately and, most importantly, it seemed like the elephant really had a good time getting dolled up.

Once teams completed their Road Block, they taxied to Jaigar Fort, the Pit Stop for this leg of the race, which upped the cute animal quotient in this episode considerably as it was INFESTED WITH MONKEYS, which rival only koalas as the cutest infestation ever.

  1. Tammy and Victor, who won kayaks, which they promptly noted would be great for living in the Bay Area. (Fuck yeah, man. Kayaking in Drake’s Bay is AWESOME.)
  2. Mel and Mike, who I continue to adore. They’re just the nicest dudes, ever.
  3. Kisha and Jen.
  4. Margie and Luke. (Are they ever anything but first or fourth?)
  5. Cara and Jaime, which serves them right for yelling at their taxi driver and not in a Mel White kind of way.
  6. Mark and Michael, beating the flight attendants by just a hair.
  7. Phileminated: Christine and Jodi.

The Husband:

As aforementioned…

Me: Sick at home with what could be whooping cough.

Brain: Not working.

You: Watching this video from Disney’s The Jungle Book with Indian elephants.

Other You: Watching this even-better mash-up of that song from The Jungle Book, resulting in what it looks like when I have a coughing fit and start hallucinating.


The Wife:

Last night’s edition of The Amazing Race made me supremely happy, and I’m sure you can guess why.

This leg of the race was India: Part Two and the racers first task was to head to Deshbandu Apartments, where they would have to find the complex’s central park to get the next clue. Once there, the teams encountered a Road Block in which one member of the team had to participate in the Holi Festival, an annual celebration of something or another in which revelers throw colored dye and water all over each other. Whichever teammate participated in the festival had to shimmy up a pole and find one of six colored envelopes marked “The Amazing Race” in order to find their next clue.

And that’s where my unbridled joy began to set in. Not only was it great to see race participants get pelted with a cavalcade of colors and then turned black with water, but I also got to watch Divorcees Kelly and Christy begin their descent into ultimate failure. Seriously, those two women enable in me the greatest of all schaudenfreude. Every time I see them on screen doing something stupid, I clap my hands with glee. I hate them, yes, but I really, really enjoy hating them.

The first teams to arrive at the Road Block were the Demon Spawn Nick and Starr and Teen Wolf and the Wolfmother. Starr breezed through the challenge with nary a splotch of dye on her. (The revelers did pelt her brother with some pink, though, just for good measure.) Teen Wolf wasn’t as lucky as his crush, but he did find the envelope quickly and maintained his position in second place. And then Kelly and Christy showed up. And failed to read the instructions. Kelly took off through the crowd and was immediately covered in dye and water, rendering her a grisly shade of charcoal for the majority of this challenge. To top that off, she raced up to the envelope tree, carefully chose an envelope clearly marked “Try Again,” and raced back to Christy, who opened the envelope with her and realized there was nothing in it. This process repeated several times, and Kelly acted like a little girl, complaining about getting the dye in her mouth. (Maybe do the challenge right the first time and, barring that, don’t run with your mouth hanging open?)

This is so close to verging on blackface . . .

This is so close to verging on blackface . . .

I expected this, though, the acting like a child part, as the two of them spent the cab ride to the apartment building speculating about the worst thing they could think of at the time: if they had to make out with either Dan or Andrew, which would they make out with? Kelly chose Andrew because he’s different and she feels, I guess, that she would get some kind of freak cred for making out the guy. Christy squealed with the glee of a mean high school cheerleader when she announced that if her friend picked Andrew, she’d have to make out with Dan. Their session of Let’s Revisit High School ended with both of them cackling uproariously at a pair of kind of dorky Jewish guys who really didn’t do anything to them to deserve that. I enjoy watching Kelly and Christy fail at things in part because they’re so incredibly petty and infantile. They’re just terrible people, really. Yet another thing to add to the list of Reasons Kelly and Christy Aren’t Married Anymore.

Frankly, I think the good-Karma filled people of India are aware that Kelly and Christy are terrible people (and that they think India is smelly, which they said several times, loudly in their cab before making fun of Dandrew), and that’s why the good Holi revelers decided that both of these terrible shrews needed to be covered in dye. As Terrence and Sarah and Dandrew both passed them, Kelly was about to give up, until Christy suggested they read the clue again, at which point they finally realized their intense stupidity and completed the challenge just before Ken and Tina arrived.

From the Road Block, racers were instructed to take a tuk tuk to Old Dehli where they would have to search the cages at the Charity Bird Hospital where they would have to search through the bird cages to find their next clue. This was pretty easy for everyone, but Terrence saw it as an opportunity to be a douchenozzle and make his girlfriend drag her hands through birdseeds and play elevator with a number of innocent injured birds to try and find the clue, thinking it may be hidden in a much more complicated place than, say, just in a cage. I felt kind of bad for Sarah, who was already worried about possible infections as the bird hospital was also a Jain temple, meaning no shoes or socks could be worn. The birds seemed to have a good time playing elevator with her, though.

Before they could even get their clue from the bird hospital, though, Ken and Tina had to complete their Speed Bump, in which they were instructed to go to a Sikh temple and serve holy water to the worshippers until each one of them had been served. This was a pretty easy Speed Bump, as far as things go, and Ken and Tina were lucky that they were at the temple on a day when there were only hundreds of worshippers instead of thousands, otherwise it could have taken far too long and cost them any chance they had of getting back in the game. Once they completed this task, they headed back to the bird hospital and were back on pace with the rest of the racers and headed to their Detour.

In the Detour, racers could choose to be Bleary Eyed or Teary Eyed. In bleary eyed, teams have to follow numbered power lines down a busy street in Old Dehli and write down each number they see in succession, and then give the numbers to a tailor. If the numbers were correct, he would point them to a stationeers shop where they would plug in a light-up Ganesha to demonstrate that India’s complicated electrical system does indeed work. Every team but Terrence and Sarah chose this option. They instead chose to be teary eyed, in which they had to carry large bags of chilis across town and then grind them with a mortar and pestle until they had an amount approved by their supervisor.

At first, the Demon Spawn were going to white lie their way through the Detour, but then they realized that teaming up with Teen Wolf and the Wolfmother would actually help them complete the challenge faster and insure accuracy, so both teams worked together and got all of the numbers right, making them the first two teams to complete a Detour and head off to the pit stop. As first place winners, Nick and Starr scored a five-night stay in Kauai, which would be a lot cooler for them if they were dating instead of brother and sister.

Kelly and Christy made their second stupid shaudenfreude-inducing mistake on this leg of the race, and it was amazing. Because they didn’t read their clue closely enough to notice that it mentioned small numbers hanging from electrical wires, they went down the street in a rickshaw, writing down price tags in shop windows instead of the hang tags on the wires. Andrew and Dan had similar trouble, because they’re not the smartest cookies in the toolshed, either, but at least they’re not assholes about it. Andrew and Dan’s stupidity is not nearly as bothersome because they’re inherently decent people. Kelly and Christy, on the other hand, are both stupid and mean, which makes them completely worthless. When both teams had failed twice, Andrew and Dan suggested that maybe it would be beneficial for them to work together with Kelly and Christy, but the Divorcees refused. Ken and Tina showed up at this point and went through the streets, picking up their numbers as instructed. Kelly and Christy were presenting yet another failed set of numbers when Ken and Tina arrived to present theirs, and Christy attempted to protect her precious work from Ken and Tina, who assured the idiot woman that she had no need to attempt to copy Kelly and Christy’s numbers, as she had her own that she could get by just fine with. Kelly and Christy failed, yet again, and Ken and Tina passed. When Tina passed Dandrew in the street, she suggested that they find the small numbers on the power lines, which enabled them to eventually finish the challenge just before Kelly and Christy realized their own idiocy and figured out the challenge.

“When you’re just sweet dudes like us, people wanna help you out sometimes.” –Andrew

A chili-irritated Terrence and Sarah made it to the pit stop at Humayun’s Tomb in third place, after much complaining from Terrance the Almighty Douchenozzle about how the chilis burn his throat. Frankly, their challenge would have been the one I would have chosen, as my contact lenses give me an advantage in cutting eye-irritating foodstuffs. (Best way to not cry when you cut onions? Wear contacts.) That, and my contacts make me a bad choice for any challenge where I’d have to see stuff that’s far away. Having my eyes covered by a thin plastic lens wouldn’t help much with the nose and throat irritation, but at least I wouldn’t be weeping into my chili powder.

For all their hard work, Ken and Tina overcame their Speed Bump and placed fourth in this leg of the race. After an intense encounter with Dehli traffic, Dan and Andrew edged out Kelly and Christy to finish fifth, sending my least favorite racers back home to Texas to continue to hate on their ex-husbands. As much as I enjoy watching them fail, I’m glad I won’t have to hear another word from these incompetent bitches. Good luck never getting married again! Because no one will want you after they’ve seen what a terrible human being you are on national television!

Whoo! Were so awesome at failing!

Whoo! We're so awesome at failing!

The Wife:

This week the TAR participants left Waterworld (aka Cambodia) and flew to Dehli, India, land of call centers and curries. For once, it was not the airport that was the great equalizer, but the Cambodian travel agency, where all of the racers managed to book the same flight, which would arrive in Dehli at 4:15 p.m. The travel agency also provided a romantic setting in which Dallas could flirt with Starr as they looked up information on Dehli on the interwebs. Ah, love.

You know what’s great about this Starr and Dallas romance? Starr is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. And you know what their symbol is? That’s right, it’s a star. I think she likes to keep her work life and her love life very simple so as not to get confused. I now want to imagine that she also has a fish named Starr and, possibly, a dog named Dallas.

After some awkward flirting in front of Dallas’ mom, the teams boarded their plane and flew to Dehli, which has the most beautiful airport I’ve seen on this show so far this season. At the airport, Nick mentions his concern for Divorcees Kelly and Christy, whom he believes will be treated like whores in India because of how they dress, which typically involves a strappy sports bra (the ones that Starr didn’t push off the ledge) and tight bike shorts. Honestly, Kelly and Christy are probably treated like whores back in Texas because of the way they dress, and, you know, who they are. It’s very nice of Nick to be concerned for them, though, especially when we were shown some reaction shots of creepy Indian cab drivers leering at the two divorcees.

Beware of being sold into white slavery! Youre not in Texas anymore, lovlies!

Beware of being sold into white slavery! You're not in Texas anymore, lovlies!

From the airport, teams had to taxi to Moon Light Motors where they were faced with a Road Block. In the Road Block, one member of each team had to spray paint a rickshaw taxi green to indicate Indian transportation’s conversion to biofuels. Nick and Starr arrived first, with Dandrew close behind. Starr and Andrew chose to do the challenge while their teammates supervised or, in the case of Dan, complained to the camera. Toni and Dallas arrived next, followed by Kelly and Christy. Terrence the Almighty Douchenozzle and His Browbeaten Girlfriend Sarah arrived next, followed not so closely by Ken and Tina, who kinda got fucked by a cab driver who didn’t know where he was going. Douchnozzle Terrence micromanaged Browbeaten Sarah throughout the challenge and really stressed her out, causing her to continually tell him that he could only say supportive things from now on and prompting Andrew to wonder the following:

“Who makes their wife do body work on a vehicle?”

Oh, I don’t know, Andrew. Chicks who like to paint? Chicks who like to work on cars? Chicks who aren’t the useless trophy wives you think you’re going to get but likely never will? Regardless, Andrew finished painting first and was instructed to make his way to the Ambassador Hotel where he and Dan would search the garden grounds for an Indian doorman who would give them their next clue. Unfortunately, Dandrew got a bit turned around looking for a taxi and were beaten to the doorman by both Nick and Starr and Toni and Dallas.

The doorman presented racers with a Detour in which they could:

1. Launder Money by creating a traditional Indian wedding necklace with exactly 780 rupees on it and present it to a groom at a racous wedding reception downstairs.

2. Launder Clothes by pressing 20 clothing items with a traditional coal iron at an outdoor Indian laundry mat.

Teen Wolf and the Wolfmother chose to go do actual laundry, along with Teen Wolf’s crush Starr and her demon spawn brother Nick. Dandrew and the Divorcees also chose to launder clothes, while Terrence and Sarah and Ken and Tina chose to launder money.

When Ken and Tina arrive at the money challenge, they pay their cab driver, whom they had asked to wait for them for the 3ish hours it took to complete the Road Block, $200. I think it was earlier said that each team only had $150 for this leg of the race and so, Ken, paying out the $200 says, “You may have just cost me $1 million,” as through it’s the cab driver’s fault that it costs money to keep a cab idle for 3 hours. I thought there would be some kind of penalty incurred for this, but when there wasn’t a penalty mentioned for overspending at the end of the race, I started to wonder if perhaps the cabbie asked for 200 Rupees, and Ken just misunderstood and thought about it in American dollars. I don’t really know, but man, that Ken can be passive-aggressive, can’t he?

Over at the laundry mat, the Divorcees complain that ironing makes them “feel like a wife again.” To which I say: WTF? What the fuck kind of backwards, super-traditional gender roles do they live in? Correct me if I’m wrong, but its 2008 and everyone in America should know how to iron, regardless of their gender. That sentiment makes my feminist heart cry a little bit, and it also makes me sympathize with these ladies. Maybe they no longer have husbands because their husbands wanted them to cook and clean and iron all day and do whatever they commanded. That would be terrible and make me feel very bad for them. However, given what I know of the two of them, I’m more inclined to think that they are simply lazy bitches who hate doing work and thus have no idea how to take care of themselves. I imagine their apartments are filled with clothing that goes unironed unless they take it to the dry cleaner and empty take-out boxes because they also don’t want to cook.

First place demon spawn!

First place demon spawn!

Nick and Starr finish up at the laundry mat first and race to Baha’i House, the pit stop for this leg of the race. As the frontrunners and first place winners, they receive two electric cars. The Divorcees arrive in second place, thanks to all that laundry-doing practice they got back when they were married, followed by Teen Wolf and the Wolfmother. All teams were greeted by Phil and a woman balancing a clay pot of fire on her head, which Dallas so astutely observed:

“You have fire on your head.”

After laboring to make change for rupees and being bounced around the mosh pit that is an Indian wedding reception, Terrence and Sarah finally found the groom and made their way to the pit stop. Terrence asked Sarah for a kiss to celebrate their victory, but Sarah has finally become so disenchanted with her Douchenozzle boyfriend that she refuses to kiss him. No kisses for Douchnozzles, yo. No kisses for Douchenozzles. They arrive at the pit stop fourth, followed by Dandrew, who had so much trouble with the ironing challenge because they’ve never worn a piece of clothing that had to be ironed in their life. Ken and Tina, experiencing the same problems as Terrence and Sarah with the money challenge, arrived at the pit stop last. Fortunately, this was the first non-elimination round of the race and the separated couple was spared Philemination. However, in the next leg of the race, they will face a Speed Bump that might put them even further behind.

“Everybody has a comeback,” said a tearful Ken. Perhaps next week, they shall have theirs. Or perhaps not. The Speed Bump killed Kent and Vyxsen last season, and I was pulling for them. Ken and Tina? I’m not so much pulling for them.

Also, maybe someone can help me out here, but last season, racers had to make a wedding necklace with an approximate number of chrysanthemum blossoms in some Southeast Asian country. I cannot remember what this country was. Was it India? Pakistan? Sri Lanka? It’s driving me nuts. Someone has to know.

The Husband:

According to Wikipedia’s very thorough entry for season 12, the chrysanthemum blossoms took place, where else, in India. Here’s the link (it was in Leg 8 of the race):

Hmm…India two seasons in a row? I guess it really is a small world, after all.

On another note, I must speak directly to Dandrew:

Guys, I am not much at keeping things clean, and am very aware that I would continue my college impulses and lead a very sloppy lifestyle if it weren’t for my wife’s interventions, but I goddamn know how to fucking iron a damned shirt. Look, wrinkles! See hot thing? Press it down and move it around. Are the wrinkles still there? No? Then you did it! Yay!

Derrrrr . . . . . .

Derrrrr . . . . . .

Quit blabbing your outdated concepts of masculinity versus femininity and understand that there’s a great big world out there that doesn’t involve your pampering mothers or chicks who hang out with frat boys. I know it’s hard, but you can’t go through life being imbeciles and assholes.