The Wife:

The husband and I journeyed up to the Pacific Northwest last Saturday to find ourselves a new home in Seattle. I’m happy to report that the trip went well and we’re now renting a three-bedroom place about two miles from the University with a giant-ass bedroom loft, strange pink 1950s bathroom, working fireplace, adorable backyard, cozy 50s kitchen and, most importantly, a murder basement. We don’t really have basements and attics in California because of earthquake logistics (i.e. having a basement makes your house fall into said basement), and while Seattle is on a fault line, I guess they just don’t care as much. A friend in Vancouver, WA pointed out that a basement is a good place to hide out from that active volcano Washington’s got going on. I generally assume basements are places to do devious things found in horror movies. The husband currently has plans to turn part of the basement into a rec room for private DVD-watching and video game-playing. If all else fails, it’s a big enough space to hide the bodies.

We did get a little TV time in, watching So You Think You Can Dance with our cousin Audrey on Wednesday night, and saving the results show for the end of our long drive home on Thursday. This week’s SYTYCD post will be condensed, so here goes:

The Excellent

Melissa and Ade (Pas de Deux)
Choreographer: Thordal Christensen
Song: “Romeo & Juliet” (from the ballet)

Like a fucking sonnet.

Like a fucking sonnet.

Last year, we saw Katee and Joshua wow us with a modern pas de deux, but I was even more wowed by the show’s first ever classical pas de deux. It was wonderful to see Melissa in her ballet element, as she is completely and totally brilliant in everything she does, but especially here. I wonder how the show’s other ballerinas would have done were they given the chance to perform a pas de deux (either modern or classical), but even so, I don’t think they’d have been as good as Melissa. Even more beautiful than her dancing was her acting. She may be 29, but when I watched her face, I believed she was 14 and falling in love for the first time with a strange, sexy black man. Having never seen a ballet of Romeo & Juliet, but knowing the play extremely well, I don’t know if the lovely palm-to-palm press is part of the traditional choreography, so I’m just going to compliment Thordal Christensen on his dedication to the text. Nothing moved me more in this piece than when Melissa and Ade pressed their hands together, palm to palm, and I recalled Shakespeare’s words: “For saints have hands that pilgrim’s hands do touch / And palm to palm is holy palmer’s kiss.”

The Good to Very Good

Jeanette and Brandon (Cha Cha)
Choreography by Jean-Marc Genereux and his wife, France (France seems to be doing a lot of work in these pieces this year, so it’s only fair we start recognizing that, like TabNap, they’re a team.)
Song: “Hush Hush : Hush Hush” by the Pussycat Dolls, which has a lot of unnecessary punctuation

Jeanette and Brandon started off the show with a pretty hot, spicy cha cha. Certainly, it was better than the crapsicle of cha cha delivered to us earlier in the season by Karla and Jonathan. I enjoyed it, but I clearly didn’t enjoy it as much as Mary Murphy, who gave it a total of four Official Mary Murphy Screams as well as two First Class Tickets to the Hot Tamale Train. Nigel called Brandon the Michelangelo of dance, noting how good and light his feet were in this performance. I actually thought this was their weakest week, and I love Jeanette and Brandon. They were good this week, just not disco good or hip-hop good or even as lovely as their waltz. Also, Jeanette’s dress looked like she killed a Fraggle. Just sayin’.

I'll see you out, flay you alive.

I'll see you out, flay you alive.

Kayla and Kupono (Contemporary)
Choreography by Sonya Tayeh
Song: “Eyes on Fire” by Blue Foundation

I have to knock a few creativity points off Sonya for describing this piece as having some vampiric qualities (Kupono plays a sort of death-spirit easing Kayla into her death) because her music choice, though quite beautiful and haunting, comes from the Twilight soundtrack. So, yes, clearly many people think that song has some vampiric qualities. I liked this piece, and I thought, as usual, that Kayla was amazing in it. The trouble with being her partner is that I only want to watch her. To Kupono’s credit, though, he did manage to draw my eye away from Kayla in a section with some loose-form pirouettes. Nigel, in fact, noticed Kupono more than Kayla and praised his work in the piece more than Kayla’s. Hmm.

Phillip and Jeanine (Hip-Hop)
Choreography by Tabitha and Napoleon Duomo
Song: “Love Lockdown” by Kanye West

Although I tend to get really angry when Broadway routines are taken too literally (because literal Broadway becomes hokey), I don’t mind as much when a hip-hop routine gets literal. Here, TabNap chained Phillip and Jeanine together as a way to discuss the partnership the SYTYCD dancers have, chained to someone for five weeks of competition to learn to work together. This is also a metaphor for Tabitha and Napoleon’s marriage, as is everything they do. I really liked it and I thought both Phillip and Jeanine were very strong in it. Mary commended them for not falling down, Nigel made some negative sexist jokes about how the piece was about how men feel in a marriage (thanks, Nigel!) and Mia said that she was a little bit thrown off by the chain because it sometimes distracted her from the dancing.

The Brian Freidmaniest

Caitlin and Jason (Pop Jazz)
Choreography by Brian Friedman
Song: “Creator” by Santigold (Did MIA sample them or are they sampling MIA here?)

And condom jokes abounded.

And condom jokes abounded.

Oh, Brian Friedman. I took one look at this piece and I knew whoever had it would land in the bottom three. People are just not into Brian Friedman this year. I realize he’s been gone for a while, but is there really such a difference between a doll brought to life dancing to Fall Out Boy and a fight for a throne or a crazy-looking lady-alien impregnating Jason? We all liked that Fall Out Boy thing from season two, right? What gives? I think Caitlin and Jason danced the choreography extremely well, and, most importantly, they both got into their characters more than I’ve seen them do in the past. I think Nigel is right to point out that Caitlin’s costume didn’t quite work — she was basically some rubber alien dinosaur — but wrong to say that she should have been wearing less. He only said that because he wants to do her, and that shouldn’t have anything to do with the wardrobe department’s missteps.

The Mediocre

Randi and Evan (Broadway)
Choreography by Joey Dowling, friend to Andy Blankenbeuhler and Mia Michaels
Song: “Rich Man’s Frug” from Sweet Charity

While I enjoyed watching this more than other Broadway routines on this show, I’d hoped that the associate choreographer of In the Heights wouldn’t also turn out to be a Fosse worshipper like Tyce DiOrio. But, alas, she is. Dowling’s piece basically took some signature moments from the film version of Sweet Charity and threw them all together into something vaguely coherent. (Husband Note: As Joey Dowling was also in the recent revival of Sweet Charity, I have to assume that show’s director/choreographer also lifted a few of the moves from the movie as well.) Still, this could have been anything else, and it could have been more original. Randi and Evan weren’t bad in it, but they also weren’t good in it. It did nothing for them — and that’s really sad because Evan and Randi can both do a lot. The whole thing was mostly just a lot of posing and posturing. That said, I do give Evan lots of credit for being very Chuck Bass in his characterization. Sigh. Can’t Shankers do some Broadway? How about Jerry Mitchell? His dance show on Bravo is done, and so is Legally Blonde. What else does he have to do? At this point, I’d kill to see someone choreograph to “Ohmigod, You Guys” from Legally Blonde on this show just to breathe some life into the stagnant pool that is Broadway dance on SYTYCD.

Karla and Vitolio (Quickstep)
Choreography by Jean-Marc and France Genereux
Song: “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Rufus Wainwright

The Genereuxs definitely created a fun and interesting quickstep with this piece, but that still doesn’t help the fact that the quickstep is the worst dance on SYTYCD. No one ever does a quickstep well (although Sabra and Pasha had one of my favorite ones in the show’s history in season three, set to “Mr. Pinstripe Suit” by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy), but Karla and Vitolio actually did a good job with this impossible dance. I was very impressed by the quick-change from Karla’s polka-dot museum day outfit into her fancy evening dress to dance with statue-come-to-life Vitolio. Plus, the Rufus Wainwright song was a great choice — lively, frenetic, joyous — all the things a quickstep is supposed to be but never quite is.

After the performances, my picks for the bottom three were Karla and Vitolio, simply for having a dance everyone would hate, Randi and Evan, for getting an unlucky Broadway routine, and Caitlin and Jason, for getting a Brian Freidman routine.

I was proven wrong, however, on results night when, after a wild and inventive Tyce DiOrio routine in which all of the dancers came out of a painting after closing time at a museum to be alive (Kayla doing so in the nudest of nude leotards, making me, once again, only watch her) set to “Brand New Day” from The Wiz, which is the only thing Tyce loves more than Bob Fosse. This was so interesting to watch (and by interesting, I mean, batshit crazy) that I’d sat at home hoping that Nigel had choreographed it due to its similarity to a certain piece in The Apple:

Suffice it to say, I was surprised to see it was Tyce.

Cat, in her shiny shiny version of a runner’s outfit/dress, lined up all of the couples and announced who was safe, and who was going to have to dance for their lives. For the sake of space, I’ve included my initial reactions below:

  • Karla and Vitolio: Bottom 3! I am a very premium judge of dances!
  • Randi and Evan: Safe! This is good because I like them!
  • Jeanette and Brandon: Safe! As they should be.
  • Kayla and Kupono: Bottom 3! Wait, what? Is the Twilight soundtrack not enough to endear you to voters? Is America turning on Kayla? HOW CAN THIS BE?
  • Melissa and Ade: Safe! Correct!
  • Jeanine and Phillip: Bottom 3! Really, y’all? You saved them in that abysmal tango, but put them in danger for a hip-hop routine they performed well?
  • Caitlin and Jason: Safe! And my Brian Freidman rule is proven wrong immediately.

As the dancers went to prepare themselves for their solos, Desmond Richardson and Patricia Hashey performed an astounding contemporary ballet. Let me just gush for a moment about how unsettling and gorgeous Patricia was when she stood en pointe like a spider, her pelvis parallel to her knees, her legs forming a box with the floor. That was unfuckingbelievable. I’ve never seen anything quite like that before, not have I seen two people dance with the strength and grace these two had. Monumentally awesome.

Solo time!

  • Karla danced to “Blackbird” by Dionne Farris. Each week, her solos get more interesting. This one was certainly her best to date, and I’d rather watch her do this than anything else.
  • Vitolio danced to “Here Comes Goodbye” by the Rascal Flatts. I finally saw his weaknesses in this solo, which was basically just a lot of posing and posturing, connected with a few turns. Bad times.
  • Kayla danced to “Stupid” by Sarah McLachlan and I can tell, not only from her tears, that she’s getting frustrated with landing in the bottom three. This solo was not her strongest and was mostly just a lot of kicks and leg-extensions — the go-to Melody solo from season 1. Leg extensions do not a good solo make.
  • Kupono “danced” to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. Wow, he is really terrible at choreography. Probably worse than Vitolio, actually.
  • Jeanine danced to Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” and easily delivered the best solo of the girls. She showed us grace and technique, all in 30 seconds.
  • Phillip performed to “You’ll Find a Way” by Santigold and he fucking rocked that shit.

Do you see what you’ve done, America? How dare you put Phillip and Jeanine in the bottom two this week! Undeserved!

The judges went backstage to deliberate, which must have been difficult for Mia Michaels to navigate in that garbage bag of a tunic she was wearing. Kelly Clarkson performed “I Do Not Hook Up” and more than enjoying the song and the performance, it became clear to me that Miss Clarkson needs to fire her stylist. She’s taken some recent hits in tabloids for not being the skinniest pop diva (and she’s not — I’d guess she’s a very average 8 or 10), and there have been some very unflattering photos of her to support those claims. First of all, Kelly, please do not be blondeish anymore. Your hair looks ashy. It’s doing nothing for your skin and its making you look old. You are a brunette, and we like you that way. Secondly, you have larger arms. You cannot wear something with a giant drape across your breasts that turns your larger arms into wings. It is not flattering on you at all. Please, please fire your stylist. I want you to look as fabulous as you are.

A graceful send-off for Karla and Vitolio.

A graceful send-off for Karla and Vitolio.

After Kelly Clarkson was done, the “jidges” returned to announce their decisions, both unanimous. Jeanine and Phillip were immediately saved for producing coherent, stunning solos, Kupono was told he can’t choreograph, and Kayla instructed not to look desperate. Karla was sent packing, as was her partner Vitolio, who just couldn’t break out of his impressive presence to show us what he could do. Karla said something about how she hungers and thirsts dance, which makes me question just want she learned in that journalism program at NYU. You can hunger and thirst for dance, you can eat and drink dance, but you can’t hunger and thirst dance. Those words do not work that way!

Stray thoughts:

  • I loved Cat’s pink dress and studded belt from Wednesday’s performance show. So fetch.
  • I think the producers knew we’d be watching the show with my husband’s cousin, who, while a fan, hasn’t caught a single episode this season. Just for Audrey, they made sure she was caught up by asking the dancers to discuss their highs and lows on the show during the producer package.
  • On Wednesday night, Nigel announced that Katie Holmes would be performing in a Tyce DiOrio tribute to Judy Garland (which I will be calling “Katie! Katie! Does Judy! Judy,” like the Rufus Wainwright show I’ve got DVR’d right now) on the July 23rd show, to commemorate SYTYCD’s 100th episode. She was pretty good in that episode of Eli Stone where she did “Hit Me with a Hot Note.” We’ll see how this goes.
  • Nigel also announced the formation of SYTYCD’s dance scholarship for underprivileged dancers, The Dizzy Feet Foundation. Katie Holmes also has something to do with this, which is a nice thing to help her out of relative obscurity. In seriousness, though, I’m pro-anything that promotes arts education in America, and I couldn’t be happier that a show that has brought the art of dance into American living rooms is doing something to nurture young artists and keep dance at the forefront of culture.
  • “You can’t fake classical ballet.” — Mia Michaels
  • America, please stop hating Kayla because she’s beautiful and talented. I don’t want to see her in the bottom three anymore.
  • In other news, due to my mad prediction skillz, I am now officially ahead of everyone at EW in the SYTYCD Predictify game. I am currently 734th out of 3144 players. Suck it! I am a very premium judge of dances!
  • I apparently missed Scott Bakula in the audience on Wednesday night. Instead, I thought I saw Sarah Vowell, which my husband informs me would never happen, because she does not drive and thus would hate L.A.
  • Favorite quote of performance night:
  • Jeanine: “We have chains all over our apartment.”
    Cat: “I thought that was only certain clubs on weekends!”

The Husband:

You may notice my Husband Note in my wife’s post above in regards to Sweet Charity. I have a particular fondness for this show (less so for the somewhat overindulgent movie) because it was the first musical I performed in. And as non-arts-based American high schools are always a bit low on male actors, I played eight separate characters in the ensemble, and appeared both in the background for the striptacular “Hey Big Spender” that introduces us to all the “dance hall hostesses” of the shows, and danced in the goofily posh and waaaaaaay-too-1960s “Rich Man’s Frug” that appears halfway through act one during Charity’s date with Vittorio Vidal. Just to let you know how little Joey Dowling created on her own for this dance, here are both sequences from the Bob Fosse-directed-and-choreographed movie.

I don’t dislike Ms. Dowling’s work at all, though. She definitely got most of it right, and if you hadn’t seen the show or the movie, it might be 100% awesome. I just want a little originality in my choreography.

The Husband:

Are you excited for tonight? I know I am. While I would have definitely preferred an Adam-Allison finale, I think Kris is not only a talented contestant, but he is also a valid threat to an Adam Lambert win. This is definitely strange coming from me, the person who, when Kris somehow came out of frickin’ nowhere only to easily win his round in the semi-finals, prompting me to get pissed that he was only voted through over more worthy contestants because of his cuteness factor. Describing him as “bland but cute,” I said the following:

“I’m not as mad at the final selection [as] I was Thursday night, but I still think that both Kris Allen from this week and Michael Sarver from week 1 should not be in the Top 12.”

And yet, here we are, and I have nothing but respect for the man. He’s shaken up the competition in a way almost entirely heretofore unprecedented on Idol (save for the vastly less talented but interesting Blake Lewis) by being an incredible builder of songs, performances and themes first and being a singer second. It feels strange to put him on a pedestal over Danny Gokey, who I will always admit had a good voice, but just wasn’t cutting it for me.

It was the end of the line for Gokey, for sure. Yes, he sang “You Are So Beautiful” quite well, but it was a cheap song choice. I thought it was a cheap song choice when Taylor Hicks did it, and I was a big fan of the Silver Fox, so don’t think that I’m just being hard on Gokey. Going back on my notes, I realize I was actually fairly sick of Gokey by the time semifinals rolled around, that he hadn’t risen above his sob story to be a performer, and week after week, I became less and less interested in his growl. While people may say that Lambert screams all of his songs (which isn’t true if you actually watched all of his damn performances), Gokey has this ability to look pissed at everybody and everything even while singing the most beautiful of songs. And that turned me off above all else. Yes, I broke my own rule when it comes to contestant, which I call “pulling a Simon.” And yes, it’s a positive thing. It’s averting your eyes from the performance so you can simply listen, which is technically what this competition is all about. And when I pull a Simon with Gokey, he seems to work. But not nearly as much as the other two.

Adam, let’s be honest, has lost a good deal of his ability to surprise. By now, we’re expecting him to be wild, to be different, to be triumphant. But he also has this uncanny ability to take a horrible decision and make it work for him. And man, did he make two bad decisions. #1. “Play That Funky Music” on a non-disco week. #2. “Born to Be Wild.” And while his unicorn-raping version of “Ring of Fire” might have ill-advised, it definitely made him a complete character for the show. But you see, the fact that he can make something great out of something suck is a skill few have, and that’s why I want him to win. He’s that good. He makes you like Wild Cherry. And he survived the curse of performing “Feeling Good.” We’re a rapt audience for this man.

As for Kris, I still don’t think he has that great of a voice, but oh man is he interesting. While you can’t give him all the credit for basically finding other versions of assigned songs (see my response to his cover of Adele’s version of Bob Dylan’s “To Make You Feel My Love” during country week saying it’s a Garth Brooks song), he started to make it work for him by being honest and being fascinating. From “Ain’t No Sunshine” onward, he’s proven what any good Idol viewers know, that this is a performance showcase, and you’d better be a helluva performer. That’s why Lil Rounds ain’t around no more. That’s why Michael Sarver isn’t around anymore. They weren’t performers. They were just singers with passable voices. But no personality.

I mean, how could you not love him just a little bit after this picture?

I mean, how could you not love him just a little bit after this picture?

And yes, Kris somehow managed to take a rap song and turn it into something quite interesting and downloadable. While covering “Heartless” as a Jason Mraz-type song doesn’t eliminate the fact that nobody has seemed to notice that the song seems to have only seven notes in the entire thing and barely jumps out of its octave. It’s not really a singer’s song. But it is one ripe for rearrangement. YouTube doesn’t seem to be working right now (or if so, it’s moving verrrrrrry slowly), otherwise I’d show you Mia Carruthers’ own performance of “Heartless” on the damned addictive MTV show Taking The Stage, just to show that maybe from a different perspective, you too might realize that the song kind of sucks no matter how good the singer is. (And yes, Mia is great. Just find any of her original songs.) My problem with the song is that, since Kanye has somehow fashioned himself as a singer, he’s been writing these nonsense pop songs that could be done by anybody. Hell, I think you could replace Kanye with Britney Spears on “Heartless,” and it’d be about the same.

My point? Kris can also rise above weird choices, and yet at the same time is defined by them. But give him a guitar and a worthy beat, and he performs the shit out of it. And that’s another thing we don’t get often enough on this show.

Adam and Kris prove that this isn’t just a karaoke competition. It’s a competition for stars, for great performers, and potentially for those who can actually alter the recording industry.

The Wife:
Does this year’s final two remind anyone of last year’s final two? We have a bona fide rocker going against someone cute, sweet and unassuming. While last year, that latter role was filled by a tiny child who best resembled a monchichi, this year it’s filled with an appealing (and married) boy next door, who, I think, is infinitely more listenable. I like Kris Allen a lot better than I did D’Archie the Monchichi, but I still need Adam Lambert to win. I think he’s much more of a showman than Kris Allen, although I would download a Kris Allen single or three, and for me, I like music and musicians that are very engaging and performative.

Vote for Adam Lambert or the terrorists win.

Vote for Adam Lambert or the terrorists win.

The soulful weight of his “Tracks of My Tears” haunted me for days, and he performed it honestly and openly. I said after that song that I would pay to see him in a revival of Jersey Boys, and that’s still true. I’d pay to see him in anything, because he understands lyrics, phrasing and performing a song. Because he’s an actor, he understands when and how much of himself to put into his songs. While Gokey had one look, Adam had many. Turning from swinging swagger to eye-ball raping edginess to straight-up rock n’roll energy whenever the song called for it. I believe that’s what you call versatility. He’s so versatile, in fact, that he can also tone it down and deliver a quieter performance with just as much passion and intensity. “Mad World”? I’ll never hear a better interpretation of a line on American Idol than when Adam Lambert pushed the “nervous” of “I went to school and I was very nervous” into a wavering falsetto, capturing the emotion and meaning of the song better than anyone. I’ll give Kris his due for his beautiful rendition of “Falling Slowly,” a song he truly seemed to understand and adore, but in the performance department, he’s no match for Lambert.

And besides, how could you not love Adam when he returned to his old theatre camp and that tiny little tot came up and asked him how he learned to sing and dance so good? Tears to my fucking eyes. I wish I could sing and dance that good, too, tiny boy.

Either finalist will make records. And they will make records that will make money. It’s really a win-win situation this year, which is an improvement over last years’ rocker vs. boy next door battle, in which one option was win and one was suck.

The Husband:

I don’t really have a whole lot to say this week. The performances on Tuesday were a mixed bag, with selections ranging from smart and dead-on (Adam, Allison) to stupid and dumbshit esoteric (Scott and Kris), and things went pretty much as I expected. Scott, despite his big heart and his borderline transcendence of the competition when in front of a piano, picked a virtually unknown-to-my-generation song by Survivor (who are only known for “Eye of the Tiger” and nothing else) and was, as predicted by me in my head, the lowest vote getter. The other two members of the bottom three included one that absolutely deserved to be there (Lil, who finally got bitched out by the judges for the exact same reasons I’ve been writing on this hyah blog) and one who didn’t (Anoop, whose rendition of “True Colors” made him sound like Kenneth Brian “Babyface” Edmonds circa 1995, which is not a bad thing). Switch out Kris with Anoop and you have the perfect bottom three.

For the record, it really freaks me out that Allison was born in 1992.

For the record, it really freaks me out that Allison was born in 1992.

So what’s been going on with Lil? Well, she’s been suffering from what I call Ramiele Syndrome, where a female artist impresses like crazy during the semifinals and seems set for complete glory, but upon getting into the Top 12 gets so nervous about show themes and control that she loses all semblance of individuality and begins to make lazy song choices and poor singing decisions. I supposed you could also name this syndrome after Mandisa or Jessica Sierra (without mentioned her stint on Celebrity Rehab) or Camile Velasco (man, what a fall) – or after any person you subjectively feel failed to live up to their promise – but it’s gotten to the point where I just want her gone. She is the karaoke queen of the competition, a nice voice but nothing else.

And no, there is no controversy regarding Adam Lambert’s choice to do Gary Jules’ version of “Mad World” instead of the 1982 Tears For Fears version, because that’s entirely in the rules, and nobody gave him false praise for doing a “unique version.” Danny Gokey is on slightly rockier waters for choosing a song that had a cover released in his birth year, even though the song itself, “Stand By Me,” was released in 1961, but it’s still entirely within the rules of the competition.

And lo, it seems that is starting to have the opposite effect on the competition than expected. Their first choice for their members to vote for in order to cause pop culture anarchy, Megan Joy [Corkrey], only placed in ninth, and the moment they pick Scott as a follow-up, he’s gone too, in eighth place. This is further proof that their claim of pulling Sanjaya through the competition in s6 is complete bullshit, because they have no actual pull. It’s all talk, no walk, man. They can eat me.

And there’s the other important factor on American Idol Wednesdays – the Ford commercials. I appreciate the fact that it’s a way for the Idols to let off some steam for a day while messing around, but I don’t understand why they can’t be better. Wouldn’t it be best to make a commercial that could actually run on TV at times not associated with Idol. I guess not. In the eight years this show has been on, I can only recall one Ford commercial that I thought looked like a real commercial. It’s from s6, the Top 11.

Okay, there is one from s4 that does have a certain level of evocation. And, due to my love of both old school rap and the Muppets,  it’s evocative of my nightmares.

Could you honestly name any of the s4 contestants solely based off that video? Bo Bice and Niko Smith are the only two who look anything like their real-life counterparts.

The Wife:

First of all, I want to give props to Gokey and Anoop for having the balls to wear very bright colors, in celebration of their being born in the 1980s. Gokey looks good in hot pink and Anoop carried off that Kanye-ish green cardie like nobody’s business. But what I really need to talk about is Lil Rounds.

What's my leather got to do, got to do with it?

What's my leather got to do, got to do with it?

Lil, I’m sorry I thought your wig was on crooked last week. Apparently, it’s just that the person who gave you that weave didn’t bother to cut your bangs straight, and no one has bothered to fix them. As you fall further into your identity crisis, you performed your cheap Tina Turner song in cheap leather, and followed that up by performing the group sing last night in a tank top covered entirely in metal studs that were far too many and far too large. Girlfriend, Lady Gaga wear a zipper on her face and she wouldn’t even wear that shirt.

The problem, Lil, is that you have not only no idea what kind of artist you are, but you also have no idea what kind of person you are. I appreciate that you tried to look like you were performing a Tina song as Tina, but you didn’t do it right. It wasn’t like the Vampire Lamb Bear performing “Tracks of My Tears” as Frankie Valli, it was like poor Alexis Grace performing “Jolene” in her dowdy Dolly Parton outfit. If you are going to go costume, you have to do it right. And you don’t know how to do it right, so just don’t do it. Get a stylist who isn’t schizophrenic, understands body lines and get a hair artist who can cut straight and you’ll be well on your way to at least looking like you know what you’re doing.

Tim Gunn, can you please come and help Lil Rounds be fabulous? She needs you.