The Wife:

Oh, 90210! You are ridiculous! This finale was all the fuck over the place, but it was so fucking nutzo that I think it was actually pretty good. Here’s “9 Final Things About This Week’s 90210:”

1. Adriana. Probably the show’s most realistic and moving scene to date: Adriana, post emergency C-section, can’t even look at her newborn daughter because she knows that if she does, she won’t be able to give her up. She eventually does come around to holding her, and then, when somewhat overeager adoptive parents Greg and Leslie arrive, it’s absurdly hard for her to let go. You got me a little bit there, 90210. Great performance by Jessica Lowndes in this episode. I’m so glad they promoted her to a series regular.

2. “Have you met my dragon?” Before Adriana could come to the realization that she needed to say goodbye to her child before giving it up for adoption, though, we had to witness a super-trippy dream sequence in which she imagines that Brenda has returned from playing Cleopatra in China to hang out with her, rather than saying goodbye to her dying father. You see, Adriana and Brenda are a lot alike . . . however . . . I still don’t really understand why Brenda or Kelly are actually Adriana’s friends. I can kind of get that Kelly, a bleeding heart guidance counselor, thinks her duties extend to the delivery room, but Brenda? Other than tossing Aid into rehab, I’m not really sure why they’re, you know, friends. Anyway, what I learned from this is that apparently, the school production of Anthony and Cleopatra did happen, we just never got to see it. Also, “Have you met my dragon?” is the greatest segue into unveiling a completely unnecessary Chinese dragon ever.

FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

3. Post-Prom-a-Palooza. I don’t know what was most impressive about Principal Wilson’s school-sponsored post-prom party. Was it the a capella group singing Stephen Foster tunes? (Hell, yeah, “Beautiful Dreamer”! Sing “Swanee River” next! Sing it!) Was it the fact that there were so many people in attendance? Was it the fact that nearly half the people in attendance were wearing my favorite tee shirt in the whole wide world right now, “One party can ruin your whole summer?” No, no. It was clearly the fact that someone laced the brownies with weed, totally rendering Moms and Pops Wilson stoned out of their minds when they head to the hospital to visit Adriana and her baby. I kind of loved Rob Estes crazy-eyes. Like, loved them enough to think he’d make a good guest star serial killer on Criminal Minds, following in the footsteps of one totally awesome C. Thomas Howell. I also kind of loved the fact that they were so afraid to drive (let alone incapable of getting their shit together) that they couldn’t go look for their lying children . . . so they just stayed in the hospital waiting room all night and never went home. Lord knows I’d have made fast friends with those lush waiting room couches myself if I’d come across some edibles at Post-Prom-a-Palooza. Mmmm . . . couches.

One pot brownie can ruin your whole summer.

One pot brownie can ruin your whole summer.

4. Post Prom at Villa Clark. Because Pheobe’s party gets shut down by Pops Wilson, Naomi offers to host the party at her new digs, only to abandon it altogether to be by Aid’s side and put Annie in charge. I would have probably, oh, I dunno, just cancelled the party. But that’s just me. Thinking practically!

5. Love triangle #1. While Dixon starts to doubt his relationship with Silver, Ethan assures him that the very things that he doesn’t like about her on prom night are the things that make her Silver the other 364 days of the year. Later, Silver comes to question Ethan about his thoughts on her relationship with Dixon, and he assures her that they’re good together. But after switching jackets with Dixon (where Ethan has stowed a lovely prom portrait of Silver) and getting caught watching Silver jump in the pool in her prom gown, Dixon realizes Ethan’s got a thing for his girl, and, rather than getting into a fight that might involve a way to kill off Dustin Milligan, they just kind of stare each other down. Silver totally has no idea what’s going on, but Ethan solves that by later sucking her face off when she tries to stop him from leaving. Is Dustin Milligan not leaving the show? Because this is the kind of plotline you set up when someone isn’t leaving, not when you plan on killing them off during their summer in Montana. I never read any correction to that bit of casting news, so perhaps I’ve been watching this entire season incorrectly looking for ways to kill off Dustin Milligan. Dunno. Anyway, is a major break up a really good thing to do to Silver right now, guys? I mean, she is bipolar. She can’t be in high-energy situations. Or she’ll go crazy! At least, that’s what her sister seems to think.

6. Love triangle #2. Although Liam opened up to Naomi about his past (chiefly, it seems, how his mother used to be a maid and married up . . . because that’s oh-so-shameful), she is so excited about this breakthrough that she tells her sister all about it. Jen uses this information to sleep with Liam by pretending to be Naomi’s neighbor and saying that Naomi just blurts all this stuff to anyone. When Naomi comes home, she finds Liam putting his clothes back on and immediately wants to know who he’s been with. He won’t tell her, because he’s a tool, and she goes on a hell rampage when she finds Annie’s gaudy faux-fur wrap on the floor that Jen stole. Then Jen enters and tells Liam she’s Naomi’s sister, he calls her a bitch, and she’s like, “Well, duh.” Later, a none-the-wiser Naomi cries on her bitch sister’s lap as Liam is taken from his bed in the middle of the night and shipped off to military school. This is a much better love triangle than love triangle #1.

7. Best transition ever? Lori Loughlin enjoying a brownie with a vigorous “Mmmm!” to Adriana experiencing contractions with a hardcore moan. Genius.

8. Everyone at WestBev is a douche. As soon as the post-prom party at Pheobe’s house is cancelled, everyone starts calling Annie a rat, which is way less clever than whomever came up with Benedict Annie. But Annie takes pity on Phoebe when she finds her vomiting in Naomi’s bathroom and offers to drive her home. However, when she gives this alibi to Naomi when questioned about why her wrap was on the floor if she didn’t sleep with Liam, Naomi doesn’t believe her because Pheobe, like everyone else, hates Benedict Annie. Seeing how angry Naomi is, everyone quickly turns on Annie, who up until this point had been cleaning up after their drunk asses and getting them drink refills, calling her names of the rat variety and even tossing drinks in her face because she went to prom with someone she had no intention of dating thereafter. AnnaLynne McCord uses her absolute best bitch-face here and screams at Annie to get the fuck out of her house, leading to the most amazingly awful (but bold!) acting choice Shenae Grimes has ever made. Benedict Annie steps outside the doors, grits her teeth, makes a bunch of guttural noises whilst shaking her fists in the air before fumbling around with her cell phone and becoming the person those WestBev douches wanted her to be: the rat who calls the cops on their party.

9. Final scene. Wait, did Annie hit someone while driving drunk? I’m totally confused because I saw no hitting. Alls I know for sure is that the other car that didn’t look like it got hit at all had a WestBev sticker on it. As I don’t plan on watching this show next year, I guess I’ll never know.

Nonetheless, crazy shit happened, so, um, good finale, 90210! I wish you the best of luck in your future, because Lord knows the CW needs you to survive.

The Husband:

Sorry honey, you’re going to be watching the next season with me come this fall, because that was a damn good finale, and you know you cannot resist. Especially now that the vastly superior Privileged has bit the dust, how else are you going to get your non-GG high school bitch fix?

As for the final scene, Annie did definitely hit something, although we never saw it. It was supremely awkward how it was set up and then not paid off, but my guess is that if Dustin Milligan is off the show next year, then she hit him. It’ll create some major friggin’ drama next season, that Annie killed her ex-boyfriend whom she stole from Naomi, all while having a gigantic bottle of booze in the car after being laughed out of a party. That’s some crazy shit right there.

Good finale? No. Great finale. Everything that has worked about this season found its way into this episode, and none of the bad stuff decided to stick around. Jen’s betrayal was cruel enough to turn her into a great villain, Liam’s violent kidnapping was brutal enough to actually inspire pity in me, Annie’s downfall was juicy enough to last a long time, and Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes were funny enough to get me through all the pregnancy scenes, ones I had been dreading after having already gone through that drama on SLOTAT.

(You want to see Lori Loughlin be as hilarious in something else? Pick up the recently DVD-released Keanu Reeves comedy The Night Before. She plays bitch like nobody’s business. Then follow it up with the sweeter C. Thomas Howell starrer Secret Admirer. That’s right – two C-Bombs in one article!)

Whatever. I’m there next season. This show has become a can’t-miss in its recent weeks, and I’m not going to let that go. It’s a good thing I’ll be working from home this fall instead of chained to my office computer 40 hours a week.

The Wife:

What’s been happening over at West Beverly this week? Here are “9 Random Things About This Week’s 90210.”

1. Adriana’s Baby Shower. I though Naomi was going to stand by and be the voice of reason here (which is . . .  odd), but eventually she gave in and decided to throw her friend a combo baby/bridal shower. I’ve never had a baby shower (or been to one, actually), but I’ve never seen a bridal shower quite so corny. First of all, why was Angela Gots there? Who invites their teachers to bridal/baby showers? Second of all, those toilet paper dresses were way too meticulous to have been made at a bridal shower, because shit made out of toilet paper at bridal showers is always haphazard and intended to be as hideous as possible. This is a bridal shower, not Project Runway. That said, I thought serving lemonade in baby bottles was a totally cute touch that I will steal when I host a baby shower for someone.

Because a Baby on Board sign is the epitome of class.

Because a "Baby on Board" sign is the epitome of class.

2. Best insult ever? “Your mom’s a soap opera actress.” Thank you, Naomi. I’ll be using that one.

3. Jen Clark. It is now apparent that Jen is basically leeching off her sister when she admits to Matthews (on their strange date) that she burned through her million dollar trust in two months. So what appears to be goodwill (such as asking Daddy to give Naomi half of her trust now so she and Jen can buy a house and live together) is actually just a clever way to keep living above her means in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed. Sneaky. Bitchy. Sneaky.

4. But even so, Jen’s a pretty cool big sister for all her sneaky bitchiness. Maybe even because of it. The moment where she gets her sister’s bully questioned for shoplifting was pretty awesome. Jen is not to be trifled with.

5. Matthews’ novel. Vermillion Steed is a terrible title, and writing novels does not impress rich girls, even if they say they hang with Jonathan Safran Foer. Foer doesn’t want to read your shitty book, and neither do I.

6. Navid’s mom. As another person in this universe with her head on straight, she shows up at Adriana’s party to beg her to reconsider raising her baby. (An appeal from your boyfriend’s mom is apparently a lot more convincing than Naomi’s insistence on not missing out on affairs with unshaven Italian men who cook puttanesca, though I don’t understand why, as puttanesca is, in fact, not to be missed out on.) I was deeply concerned for Adriana’s automatic reaction to being faced with adversity, though: downing some random pills from the nearest medicine cabinet. Although only two, which is hardly enough to fuck up your fetus, but still not good.

7. Navid’s Bachelor Party. A manic pixie dream sorority girl tells Navid not to get married after she strips with him onstage. Liam steals wallets and credit cards for fun. Dixon gets wasted. Why?

8. Ethan’s island speech. Yes. People are islands and relationships are bridges. Thank you, wise Ethan, for helping Silver realize she needs to learn the meaning of compromise and just go to the damn prom. Nothing makes you less bipolar than wearing a sparkly tiara.

9. Aid’s decision to give up her baby for adoption. Sane, logical, correct. Thanks for disembarking from the freight train to totally ripping off SLOTAT. I do, however, find it very sweet that Navid still wants her to wear her engagement ring, even though they’re not getting married now.

Also, according to Liam, Annie is a volcano. “And who doesn’t want to see a volcano explode?” Uh, people living near them? Hawaiians? People who died in Pompeii? Plus, we have volcano and island metaphors in this episode? What geologist just found his or her way to the CW to try a hand at screenwriting? Weird!

The Wife:

I present you with “9 Things About This Week’s 90210, Some of Which Are Clearly Stolen from Other Shows and Others of Which Were Clearly Not Thought About Beforehand.”

1. 90210 and Rebecca Rand Kirshner Sinclair, I am calling you on your bullshit. Please stop stealing plot threads from Brenda Hampton shows. This week’s episode opened with a fantasy sequence in which Navid and Adriana discuss the possible future life for her baby, with Navid as a surrogate dad. They imagine names and places they’ll live and how they’ll negotiate being about to finish high school and raise the baby, which of course hinges on the help of Navid’s parents. Navid has got to calm it the fuck down with the baby fever because on this show, he doesn’t seem sweet, he seems fucking crazy. I have to compare their relationship to Ben and Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager because a.) that show predates this one and b.) however silly SLOTAT may sometimes be, I have always, always found the relationship between Amy and Ben to be grounded and relatable. Ben’s desire to love Amy and help her raise her baby is founded in his own need to connect and love since the loss of his mother and he is utterly sincere in his pursuits, even though they may be naïve. But Navid doesn’t seem to recognize how naïve his suggestions are, and how insane his enthusiasm sounds. It’s making it easier and easier for me to conflate the terrorist Michael Steger played in the beginning of this season of Criminal Minds with Navid himself, and that’s really weird. (And yes, I thought of Shemar Moore chasing him to his death in a subway tunnel when he airplaned food into Baby Habib’s mouth. Because I’m a horrible person.) I buy Ben’s enthusiasm for Amy’s child, also, because his suggestions to help her care for it never seem like he’s forcing her to make decisions that he likes, but because Adriana just seems to go along with everything Navid says (why, I don’t know), there’s something significantly less grounded about their relationship because of her inability/refusal to think for herself and weigh her options. She totally just goes along with his whole “Let’s tell my parents your pregnant and we’ll get them to help care of the baby because we’re Persian and that’s what we do!” scenario without ever questioning it, and I can’t believe that’s a plausible reaction for a 16 year old pregnant girl to have.

2. And in regards to the aforementioned scene with Navid’s parents, it was actually pretty amusing to watch it play out exactly as he said it would (first shock and horror, then complete acceptance when he suggests they get a nanny because “family takes care of family”) . . . until, of course, he mentions that the baby isn’t his. At which point, his parents refuse to let him marry Adriana and raise that child in their home, which is a perfectly reasonable reaction when your son has gone crazy. Their explanation as to why Aid can’t become his wife sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and a very SLOTAT-ish warning. It doesn’t mean he can’t date Adriana and help her take care of her child, it just means that, at 16, it’s probably not a wise idea to legally tie yourself to a woman who is months away from birthing a child that isn’t yours. Being legally entrenched in that kind of situation is really difficult should any baby daddy drama arise. And Navid’s mom is also right about this: her son’s heart is in the right place. Because although I think he’s kind of nuts now, he is being very gallant. Good scene, 90210!

3. But, of course, Navid is actually crazy, and decides to propose to Aid anyway, turning his back on his family. Heeding Naomi’s advice, though, Adriana hesitates to accept the proposal with his pawn shop ring because she hasn’t told him who her child’s father actually is . . . which is a seriously good thing to know, considering potential baby daddy drama mentioned in my second point! And when she tells him it’s Ty Collins, well, he flips out. He leaves, and returns to yell at her, then leaves again, and returns again and so on to the point where his opening and closing the door was no longer dramatic but funny. If you want me to take them seriously, 90210, you need to treat it seriously. The door thing would have worked once or twice. But four or five times was too many. I’m also not sure his reaction was entirely appropriate for the situation, given that he isn’t being cuckolded in any way, and yet was acting as though he was. True, she shouldn’t have kept the father’s identity from him, and he should be upset about that, but not so upset as to abuse that poor door! In the end, though, he still puts that ring on her finger and demands that she never, ever take it off. Which is sweet. See? His heart’s in the right place!

4. Naomi. She’s also insane and completely in denial about the fact that Liam is a douchebag. I’m glad Annie called him on his shit on that double date she was forced into, and I really don’t care if he asked her out because he genuinely liked her or to prove to Naomi he’s a douchebag, because he’s a douchebag and no one should date him. But power to Annie for her actions. And for rocking that Ella Moss dress Naomi gifted her.

5. Naomi is a terrible, ungrateful houseguest so it’s a good thing for the Wilsons that she has a sister we’ve never fucking heard of that clearly was something the writers had never before thought of to bail her out of their father’s “Dionysian Debacle.” Also, her sister is a bitch and I see where she gets it from.

WestBev: so gauche.

Why didn't we ever know, with all of Naomi's family problems, that she had a sister?

6. Silver at St. Claire’s. Why is she so shocked that people pray aloud in Catholic school? That’s kind of what going to a religiously affiliated private school is like. Did she simply not think of that at all?

7. Paige Howard. By the way, I attended Catholic school for 13 years of my academic life, and I never, ever met anyone like Paige Howard’s character. I certainly had friends who were more pious than others (including myself), but none so horrible as to sweetly demand that someone come clean about their past in order to get right with God or whatever. Certainly, most of the people I know who went to Catholic school are so much more intensely strange and wholly un-pious than what Paige Howard is supposed to represent. Basically, all the kids I know from Catholic school are really fucked up. And that’s why I love them and we’re all still friends today. (And yes, Paige Howard is Ron Howard’s daughter.)

8. Catholic School is no different than Public School. I mean, really. Rumors are going to swirl and people will call you a slut if you make an Internet sex tape with your boyfriend, regardless of what school you go to. Hell, rumors are going to swirl even if you don’t make an Internet sex tape with your boyfriend. That’s just what high school is like, and I don’t know why Silver expected changing schools would make it any different. Hasn’t she watched Buffy? High school is hell. Literally and metaphorically.

9. Naomi’s sister we’ve never heard apparently slept with Ethan. Is Naomi going to kill him when she finds out? I would love a death at the prom, so I really hope that happens.
Oh, and a special shout out to Jessica Lowndes hair, which looked amazing throughout this entire episode.

The Wife:

I almost don’t know what to say about this show anymore. I really don’t. Normally, I’d just launch into making fun of how lame this show is, but I actually found this episode really confusing. I actually have legitimate concerns about the way things are going around WestBev, so, this week, I have for you “10 Things That Frustrate and Concern Me About This Week’s 90210.”

1. I was happy to see some characters return to us this week, but I mostly found their presence after such a prolonged absence to be confusing. I mean, sometimes Gossip Girl leaves a character out, but even people who totally aren’t important or interesting like Nate and Vanessa will randomly show up in an episode they have nothing to do with just to keep the idea of the universe continuous. Ty, for instance, has been gone since Spring Awakening finished. Literally, kids, he’s been gone since episode five. I had just assumed that he’d gotten a real acting job doing porn or something because he’s such a fucking method actor jerkmeat, but no, he’s still there, chilling at WestBev. I wonder if the WestBev parking lot has the same magical character-dissolving properties that the Seattle Grace parking lot has. It sure took Ty a long-ass time to find his way back to the show. I mean, Ryan Matthews has been gone, too, but not for as long (only three episodes) and he actually had a legitimate reason to leave. (Seriously, you should probably not get caught having sex with a student who’s really an undercover cop. That’s fucking awkward any way you slice it.) You’ve really got to learn to manage your characters better, 90210 writers. Seriously. Why bring Ty back at all since we’d all but forgotten about him? Which leads me to the next thing on this list . . .

2. I guess the writers needed to find some way to legitimize Adriana’s pregnancy, and Ty Collins, the guy we thought she didn’t sleep with because she was just running the empty shower to trick Annie, seemed like the best choice for a dramatic baby daddy situation. Ya’ll remember that? Back in episodes four and five? Because I do. I will be incredibly surprised if the writers bother to explain to us – and to Annie! – why Adriana lied about lying about sleeping with Ty. This was supposed to come off as some shocking, dramatic revelation, but it just fell flat because Ty has been wandering around the WestBev parking lot for so long. That’s no way to build drama at all. Lame.

3. Hey, speaking of exactly how long Ty’s been gone, I should note that the last time we saw him was in September. Now, I know that television time and real life time are not the same (just ask the Losties!), but we do know that it is officially January in 9fneh, because someone mentioned it during the heat wave episode last week. So, it’s been four months since we last saw Ty. Adriana, then, is four months pregnant. I was immediately confused, then, when I heard that her doctor told her it was too late for her to abort. According to California law and the text of Roe v. Wade, abortions are legal unless the state determines that the fetus is viable to survive on its own outside the womb. Here’s a better summary from the folks at Planned Parenthood of California:

In Roe v. Wade (410 U.S. 113 (1973)), the U.S. Supreme Court held that the U.S. Constitution protects a woman’s decision to terminate her pregnancy.  Only after the fetus is viable, capable of sustained survival outside the woman’s body with or without artificial aid, may the states ban abortion altogether.  Abortions necessary to preserve the woman’s life or health must still be allowed, however, even after fetal viability.

Now, the youngest premature birth to survive was delivered at 24 weeks, or six months. Adriana is nowhere near that. So, um, what the fuck, 90210? Is there some kind of moral ambiguity you have that’s interfering with your ability to take actual facts into consideration? Granted, forcing Adriana to have the baby (and you are indeed forcing her into this, writers, so, you know, so much for choice) provides a better dramatic storyline that can be sustained longer than any other storyline on this show so far, I’m just really concerned about an alternative agenda here. I don’t know what kind of psycho tween would actually look up to this show, but I certainly don’t want anyone thinking that a fetus could be considered viable prior to 24 weeks. I’m uncomfortable with shows that have heretofore not promoted any kind of agenda at all seeming to slip one in, especially when that notion is presented though incorrect medical and legal data. I do not watch 90210 for lessons in morality; I watch it because it’s a trainwreck. When I want to watch something about values and minors carrying babies to term, I’ll tune into ABC Family and watch Secret Life of the American Teenager.

4. Adriana, by the way, is avoiding her pregnancy in the fucking weirdest way possible. I mean, she’s not exactly Peggy Olson-denying-the-whole-thing-until-the-moment-she-gives-birth-to-Pete Campbell’s-illegitimate-son (so not a chip-and-dip), but Adriana is definitely working hard to drink lots of coffee and focus on her career. My husband was really concerned about Adriana’s coffee addiction because television likes to purport that drinking coffee is bad for babies, but there are different schools of thought on that. Some people quit caffeine entirely when they’re pregnant. Some don’t. It’s considered okay to consume between 150 mg and 300 mg a day, so having one cup of coffee in the morning is fine unless a doctor tells you otherwise. You know what’s not advisable, though? Drinking cup after cup of coffee and pulling an all night drive to Solvang up the PCH, pregnant or not. This leads me to what was by far the fucking weirdest part of this episode. What the fuck is with that scene of Adriana driving on PCH? She drives all night and yet she’s still on the same part of the road? (Husband Note: Not only the same part of the road, but still in Malibu, which is nowhere near Solvang.) Only to decide to make a U-turn in the middle of the freeway, nearly crashing into someone? This was followed by another scene of her, driving up to a women’s clinic and sitting in her car. I guess this was 90210‘s way of trying to “show” not “tell,” but it just came off as fucking bizarre.

5. You know who shouldn’t stage an intervention? Kelly Taylor the Worst High School Guidance Counselor in the History of High School Guidance Counselors and Naomi Clark. These two have no business telling other people how to get their shit together, considering neither of them have their shit together at all.

6. Case in Point: Way to make Ryan Matthews feel bad, Kelly! While kicking Silver out of his class was a little harsh, I get where Ryan is coming from. Silver wrote some mean and untrue things, and she didn’t retract them when she found out that her initial reports were wrong. That would definitely make it difficult for him to teach her objectively as the situation was unresolved. Technically, if he wanted to, he could slap her with a libel suit, but given that 90210 doesn’t understand Roe v. Wade, I can’t really expect that universe to understand how a libel suit would function. Furthermore, Kelly took this incident of concern for his sister and, naturally, made it all about her by blasting Ryan for banging Brenda, as though he did it just to hurt her or something. I really hate you, Kelly. You need to grow the fuck up before you can start telling people what to do with their lives. Seriously. Stop. Being. So. Lame.

7. Another Case in Point: How could nobody tell Naomi that her mom was MIA and her dad was planning on selling the house? Can adults not send a text? I mean, sure, she was upset about maybe losing her house earlier this season when her parents announced their divorce, but she seems to have gotten over that entirely and has, instead, grown back her bitchbone and is ready to blackmail her dad into paying for her to live in a hotel in exchange for her silence about his mistress. I’m glad Naomi has her bitchbone back, but she’s still really not in any position to tell anyone how to live their lives, considering that she has no friends and lives in a hotel because her parents don’t tell her they’re selling property out from under her feet.

8. Oh, Dixon. I’m sorry that, unlike Naomi, you have no bitchbone at all and can’t seem to bring yourself to be assertive and talk to your girlfriend about what’s bothering you. Yes, she’s dumb for not noticing that your thinly veiled suggestion about hurting Mr. Matthews’ feelings was really about how hurt you are that she was mean to you at the beach party and wouldn’t say she loved you, but Lori Loughlin’s right. You just got to tell people how you feel, because they’re not mindreaders. And while I did truly love Silver’s off-the-cuff response to Dixon telling her that he knows she’s not a mindreader (“Oof! You’re onto me!”), you do not grow your bitchbone by breaking up with someone at a fucking party. That’s super lame. Please get a personality. And some tact. Soon.

9. Annie, Annie, Annie and her petty drama club dramas. So, when you try out for a play, you should probably not convince your boyfriend, who has no interest in theatre at all, to try out with you. You should probably not assume that you should play Cleopatra just because your grandmother, the working actress, lost that role to that violet-eyed hussy Elizabeth Taylor. Oh, and if you want that part, you should probably learn to read Shakespeare as though you understand it and can act. Ty may have been a little harsh in his critique of Annie’s reading (you know, being a douche and saying that her poor reading made it impossible for him to do his job), but he’s right. Please don’t audition for Shakespeare if you are going to read it like that. And don’t mope around when you get beat for a part by someone better, even when that person showed up late for the audition and probably shouldn’t have been able to audition at all. That’s the breaks, Annie, dahling. Some people are better than you. Tough noogies. (In a related note, I do love this new drama teacher, who you all might recognize as Thirteen’s lesbian lover on House, but I know better as “Shawn,” the film version of Shane during Season 5 of The L Word. I see you, Angela Gots! Rock that bob like it’s nobody’s business!)

10. Remember when Adriana made an illegal U-turn in the middle of PCH that nearly got her killed? That was foreshadowing for what I assume Ethan did at the end of this episode! Kids, don’t make a U-turn in the middle of traffic! Just don’t do it! I really hope Ethan isn’t dead because I was actually really starting to enjoy him. I think Dustin Milligan has finally found a way to make Ethan interesting and somehow more alive than the other people at WestBev, a feat he has achieved by basically delivering most of his lines as though he is intentionally trying to sound like he has an alien controlling his brain. If you don’t know what I mean, think really hard about how he described Egyptian food as probably having a lot of couscous. How he became my favorite character on the show, I have no idea, so I am deeply concerned for his well-being. Who will play a eunuch half as well as he?

And One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 90210:

1. Lori Loughlin’s description of Silver’s food predilections: “Is Silver coming over? I hear she’s an artichoke fiend.” Damnit! Now they’re really on to her! The Artichoke Fiend is the greatest evil villain in all of Beverly Hills! I fear for her safety now that her secret is out!

The Husband:

Since my wife beat me to the mention of “artichoke fiends” as one of the awesome things about this episode, I’ll have to think of something else.

One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 9fneh:

The presence, both in the opening credits as well as actually in the episode – show’s like Lost and Grey’s Anatomy like to list certain guest stars even when they’re not even physically there sometimes – of one Lisa Tucker, better known as one of the finalists of American Idol, season 5. She was too young and too innocent for the competition, and she didn’t make it very far (10th place), but she did use some of her newfound fame to make some television appearances – I recall her playing herself in a very awkward scene on The O.C. – and apparently had a recurring character on Zoey 101. (Which, as we all know, is a show that is no longer on. Thanks, statutory rape.) I’ll always appreciate her for one of her Idol song choices during semifinals, which was “Here’s Where I Stand” from the awesome independent musical Camp from a few years ago. It’s a lovely (if sloppily filmed) movie and a kickass song. So amidst all the stupidity and confusion of this week’s 9fneh, it was nice to see her, basically in the background, in the scene where the cast list is posted. I assume she’s going to be in Antony & Cleopatra, so hopefully we’ll get to see more of her.

The Wife:

Writing “9 Lame Things About This Week’s 90210” is a little more difficult than usual this week. I actually didn’t think this episode was as lame as others, although it was still pretty lame. I do, however, have more than one nice thing to say about it, but let’s get on with the lame.

1. Ethan and Annie’s attempts at phone sex. Yo, man, you never have phone sex with you ain’t on your cell phone! That’s just wrong! Lori Loughlin totally cockblocked you guys! Seriously, Annie, charge your cell phone next time!

2. Navid, even though we haven’t really seen him with Adriana outside of that one dinner with his big Persian family, is apparently the happiest he’s ever been with her. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. About as much sense as Ethan and Annie saying I love you after only . . . uh . . . how many proper dates?

3. Speaking of “I love you”s, what the fuck happened to Silver? I think she’s being inhabited by the Ghost of the Person She Was in the First Episode. You know, a mean, bitchy, dark blogger who’s too cool for school and hates everyone. That’s totally how she acted in this episode and I found it really repellent. Why is she being so damned mean to Dixon? And why freak out and bust his balls so much just because you aren’t yet ready to tell him you love him? Wouldn’t a simple “I like you a lot, too,” have been less caustic than the whole “thank you, but saying I love you shouldn’t be obligatory” cat-spit she hissed at him before walking away and ruining her own sandcastle?

This was the greatest week and a half of my life.

This was the greatest week and a half of my life.

4. Why ruin the sandcastle you built together, Silver, just because you’re mad at Dixon? That thing was a fucking masterpiece!

5. Naomi and Adriana’s playground confrontation. This scene was just so . . . weird. I mean, first of all, I don’t really understand why Naomi feels so at the end of her rope with Adriana. I thought they’d made up when A went to rehab? I mean, eventually, Adriana got help, which is what Naomi wanted for her. I guess it’s just easier to fall back into suspicion that she may be, as George so insensitively put it, “back on the tracks” instead of thinking that she might actually be sick or something. Also, playground? I get you trying to be intelligent, using the playground as a space for Adriana to contemplate her impending motherhood while playing up the fact that she’s still a girl and all, but it was mostly just a weird, loud place to have an adult conversation. Adults don’t go to chat it up on playgrounds. That doesn’t make sense.

6. You know what’s an even worse place to tell someone you’re pregnant? A beach party. Yeah, I definitely would have waited to tell Navid somewhere private. Like, in the car on the way home. Or at his house. Just not in the middle of a crowded party. Inappropriate.

Do not touch me, woman! I do not want to get pregnant!

Do not touch me, woman! I do not want to get pregnant!

7. It might have just been my TV because we don’t have a central speaker, but the soundtrack was fucking heinously loud at all the wrong points in time during this episode. We had to have the closed captioning on during any scene at the beach party, and during Adriana’s confession to Naomi at the playground. Man, I fucking love Adele’s “Hometown Glory,” but it shouldn’t be louder than the dialogue where Navid is telling Adriana that he just can’t handle her pregnancy. I mean, that’s a legit response that deserves to be treated with legit emotion, but even an awesome song played too loudly ruins the moment.

8. You know what else ruins the moment? David Archuleta. Archie’s “Crush” is not a song to bone to. I think that was Ethan and Annie’s first mistake during their Palm Springs getaway, thinking they should bone to Archie. That’s just wrong. Furthermore, it also ruins the moment when you strip to a girl to her bra and then go, “But wait! What if we break up! I don’t want to hurt you if we don’t work out in the future!” I’m pretty sure he fucked Naomi on a regular basis, and they broke up and he doesn’t give a shit about that. Not wanting to hurt someone in the future is not a reason to not have sex with them. Saying that you don’t feel like you’re ready, that’s totally a good reason. But fearing you won’t be together forever? That is by far the lamest thing I’ve ever heard on this show.

9. But nothing is lamer than Dr. Pepper! GET OUT OF MY LIFE, SOFT DRINK! Last week, you taunted me with your sign that stood in the foreground of the scene at the Peach Pit. In this episode, that sign became a permanent fixture on the wall of the Peach Pit, mirrored by the logo on the soda fountain behind the bar. Any time you see a scene at the Peach Pit, there will be a Dr. Pepper sign in it no matter what angle you film it at. This demon soft drink has even invaded Top Chef, where last week I had to watch people make low calorie desserts that actually incorporated Diet Dr. Pepper, which this week a certain contestant I refer to as Dr. Lisa Cuddy stewed in the stew room below a strategically placed row of Diet Dr. Pepper. Drink, I actually like you, and that is the worst part about your invading my TV. The more I see you on my TV, the less I like you. PLEASE DEAR GOD LEAVE ME ALONE, DR. PEPPER!

And a couple of awesome things about 90210:

1. Jessica Walter’s Tabitha is going away for a few episodes! That is totally not awesome, but what is awesome is that she’s now hiding her booze in smoothies. That woman is my hero.

2. Way to go Wilson parents for rocking the minivan after realizing that Ethan and Annie actually had a responsible, chaste evening in Palm Springs. I greatly appreciated seeing evidence of a middle aged couple on television who still have sex. You two are pretty cool, Mom and Pops Wilson. If I see that van a-rockin’, I sure as hell won’t be a-knockin’. I’ll let you two kids have some privacy.

3. I have a new euphemism for having sex and its called “going to Palm Springs.”

The Husband:

Sorry, honey, but “going to Palm Springs,” to me, will always be code for our friend visiting her racist uncle during the holidays.

Now, onto Two Awesome Things About This Week’s 9fneh:

1. Principal Harry Wilson’s 1984-by-way-of-modern-Presidential Addresses school announcement, not done regularly over a loudspeaker (thanks for at least being realistic about that, Secret Life of the American Teenager), but video-broadcast live over several flat-screen LCD televisions placed around the school. Creepy. And hilarious. I wonder if he has hidden cameras set up all over the school? (Idea copyrighted by me, bitches.)

2. The wonderfully profuse amounts of skin on display throughout the entire episode. As the greater Los Angeles area is under a freak winter heat wave during this episode, we saw every major young female character in their swimsuits, including bikinis (Annie, Naomi and especially Adriana) and a very freaky cool onesie (Silver). Even Lori Loughlin, who is still lookin’ good, gives us some post-coital blanket-covering upon being discovered by Annie and Ethan in the back of the minivan.

Not quite as hot as when she emerges from the pool, all Lolita-esque, on Nip/Tuck, but she does look naked in this picture.

Not quite as hot as when she emerges from the pool, all Lolita-esque, on Nip/Tuck, but she does look naked in this picture.

The Wife:

So, I’m trying a new format with 90210 posts this week. It’s called “9 Lame Things About This Week’s 90210.” Here goes:

1. Naomi’s entire manipulative scheme to out Ethan and Annie’s relationship by inviting Annie’s ex, Jason, to her birthday party in a ploy to make out with him and therefore make Annie feel bad about being with Ethan. Oh, and also “ruin” her sixteenth birthday. I’m glad to see Naomi the Bitch return, but, frankly, this was a lame scheme. Her scheme to try and get her parents back together was thought out a lot better, even though it ultimately failed. I know high school girls can be petty and manipulative and that they do indeed like to do things like steal each other’s exes and so on. But you know what probably would have hurt Annie more, not ruined her birthday and not involved poor innocent Jason at all? Stealing Ethan back for good. That would have provided a lot more believable drama and actually would have been interesting to watch. That, or poisoning someone with a mercury-laced fruitcake. For no real reason. Just ’cause.

Oh, Ill steal him back for good. Just you wait.

Oh, I'll steal him back for good. Just you wait.

2. Kelly Taylor returning. Ugh. Her entire plot was catching up on things she missed, especially the Ryan Matthews scandal, the worst part of which was her pitiful attempt to get Kim to discuss her role in the scandal by abusing her position as guidance counselor. I hate Kelly Taylor. Also, why wouldn’t she have stopped off at home first before coming to work? I know she didn’t fly back from Africa in that outfit and Sammy had to be dropped off somewhere. It’s really weird that Silver should find out about her sister’s return at school, rather than at home, even if Kelly did come back on an early flight.

3. Navid being embarrassed by his big, happy super-rich Persian family. This is lame because of one little fact, a teensy tiny detail: when Navid told Adriana he was in love with her, he specifically mentioned that they played together as children and he’s loved her since then. How is it possible that she has never met his family if that’s the case? I realize that giant porn-purchased house is not necessarily conducive to play dates, but surely Adriana has met them at some point in the potential 16 years that they’ve known each other. He shouldn’t be embarrassed of his family, but of the fact that they’ve evidently never met Adriana, even though he’s loved her since he was a child.

4. Kim’s random hot cop drug bust. In theory this is cool, but since this drug bust didn’t involve a.) a student or b.) the school at all it seemed a little out of Kim’s jurisdiction and very much like a really hasty way to wrap up her arc. Sure, that dude could have been the one supplying all of the small-time dealers at WestBev, but if that was going to be her arc, why blow it all in one night? Lame. Stop killing storylines, 90210!

5. Rob Estes taking over for Mr. Matthew’s classes. Wow, you’re really telling me that this school can’t afford to hire a substitute? The economy really is bad.

6. Silver’s blog returning. I thought we’d given up that ghost after the first episode, but apparently, Silver felt the Matthew’s scandal was so juicy that she had to resurrect the thing for her second post . . . ever.

7. Adriana not understanding that Navid wants to edit his film project alone. That’s what real life is like, Adriana! Sometimes, people have jobs and can’t spend all their time together. Let the man work! Stop being so clingy and lame!

8. Ryan leaving just as Kelly returns. The West Bev teacher shortage continues.

9. Naomi trying to turn herself into the victim in her catfight with Annie at the end of the episode. Naomi, if you’re going to hatch a half-baked evil scheme, you’d damn well better follow through and own up to it. Don’t blame it on the fact that no one is ever honest with you. Annie’s right. You ain’t honest with yourself. I did enjoy, however, that Secret Brother Sean is the secret weapon to end all self-pitying catfights.

Go away Secret Brother! This is a psuedo-sister fight only!

Go away Secret Brother! This is a psuedo-sister fight only!

And “One Awesome Thing About This Week’s 90210“:

1. Jessica Walter + Karaoke = Amazing.

The Husband:

“One Additional Awesome Thing About This Week’s 90210”:

I hope I wasn’t the only one who checked out the posters in Annie’s room during a scene late in the episode. I didn’t pause it or anything, nor do I care enough to rewind and go frame-by-frame to catch corners of her room in the distance, but I did notice two in particular.

1. Stephen Schwartz’s Pippin. Kind of a weird show for an average 16-year-old to have, but she does, in fact, like musical theatre quite a bit as we’ve been told. I can only assume that nearby is a poster for Schwartz’s Wicked, a not-nearly-as-good show but one that regular teenagers have actually heard of. [Wife’s Note: I, too, saw the Wicked poster on Annie’s wall. And yes, teenage girls do indeed love that show.]

2. A poster for West Beverly’s recent production of Spring Awakening, complete with a list of cast members. And what was the name that caught my eye right before it cut away? Ty Collins. Nice touch. Although below it, I swear I saw the name Tate Donovan. Tate Donovan? You mean the guy from SpaceCamp, The O.C. and the voice of Disney’s Hercules?