The Husband:

It happens every year. Just like the film industry, ideas seem to come in packs of two or three. In 2004, Lost fever infected the networks, and three deep mystery science-fiction shows were unveiled for the 2005-2006 season. Two made it a full season before being unceremoniously canceled (Invasion and Surface) while one didn’t even make it to midseason (Threshold). The quality of these shows are unimportant, because they were created to either capitalize on a trend or a repair a hole missing from the schedule. This works in the film world, too. In 1998, we had both Armageddon and Deep Impact. In the same year, we had both A Bug’s Life and Antz. In 2005 we had both Capote and Infamous (one was pushed back to 2006, can you guess which?). And this is not a new concept in Hollywood. I can trace back to most years started with the studio system and can point out virtually identical films coming out within the same few months. But with television this year, two things happened:

1. CBS tried once again to give us their version of what they think draws people into Grey’s Anatomy, but on their own network. That show is called Three Rivers.

2. After a staggering 15-year run, ER finally came to a close last season, and NBC frantically tried to recreate its medical drama glory. But this time, they decided split the show in two to hedge their bets but take up too much room on a schedule already reeling from one man named Jay Leno.

If you don’t feel like listening to my half-assed television history lesson for the remainder of this article, let me just break it down for you. So far, NBC’s Mercy has aired three episodes, NBC’s Trauma has aired two, and CBS’s Three Rivers has aired one. And how do they rank in terms of quality? The exact order I just put them in, with Mercy almost head-and-shoulders above Trauma and Three Rivers, with only a single episode, drudging the bottom of the lake.

The title is probably ironic.

The title is probably ironic.

So about that splitting ER into two parts. It’s really not at all complicated. Mercy is the character drama, and Trauma is the action show. Put together, these elements apparently made some of the best ER episodes of all time, but on their own, it can be a struggle. So far, however, Mercy is a remarkably competent (big praise, I know) slice-of-life story about the unsung heroes of hospitals — the nurses. This year they have come back in a big way, and while I haven’t seen an episode of similarly themed Nurse Jackie and Hawthorne (two other nurse dramas, unseen because I don’t have Showtime and I avoid networks like TNT and USA like the plague), I can tell you that it’s a refreshing change of pace. Surgeons get all the glory, but nurses are the backbone of any hospital. Taylor Schilling leads the show as former army nurse Veronica Callahan, and she is in the top five best new characters on television this season. Tough and hard-edged but sympathetic, she seems like a real woman doing an unappreciated job, and her quiet energy is such a welcome respite from the outwardly emotional hysterics that populate Seattle Grace and Oceanside Wellness. She is a true find, and her personal life storylines (her troubled marriage, her drunk family, her affair with Men In Trees‘s James Tupper) help the very reality-skewing Jersey City-set show and are handled by the writers with what at least appears to be a great deal of honesty.

I haven’t been able to get a handle of many of the remaining characters, but Guillermo Diaz (he of Weeds and Half Baked) does well playing against type, and while the casting of Michelle Trachtenberg as rookie nurse Chloe Payne brings the wrong kind of tone to the character, casting a lesser known and more sullen actress would have made the character completely unimportant. My favorite element, oddly enough, seems to be the reversal of roles, as James LeGros’s doctor character, Dan Harris, is mostly seen on the outskirts of storylines, much how most nurses are treated on nearly every other hospital drama. (You know how Nurse Olivia was just let go from Seattle Grace at Grey’s Anatomy? It took me a good thirty minutes to remember that she was the one who gave George syphilis after getting it from Karev way back in the early seasons.) And, almost more than anything, I appreciate the fleeting comparisons the show finds between Jersey City and the warzone of Iraq. Both are lost places in their own way, and it’s haunting without being obvious. This is definitely staying on my Season Pass list, and I hope that its unfortunate placement Wednesday at 10 (it belongs later, but thanks to The Jay Leno Show, half of NBC’s schedule seems misplaced.)

HOLY SHIT THIS IS EXPENSIVE! AND ON FIRE!

HOLY SHIT THIS IS EXPENSIVE! AND ON FIRE!

Trauma, so far, is just a big, slick, expensive version of Emergency!, a spin-off of a spin-off (Dragnet to Adam-12 to…) which ran for several seasons back in the 1970s (six seasons plus a handful of TV movies). From the several episodes I’ve seen of that show (starring a young Kevin Tighe, a.k.a. Locke’s father on Lost), I really can’t see much of a difference between the two programs other than its location and its budget. I complained that I couldn’t get too much of a handle on Mercy‘s characters, but at least I can give you a general impression of their internal monologue. Not so on Trauma, which is as surface-level as one could get outside of a CW primetime soap. New Zealand actor Cliff Curtis is, so far, the only character with any personality (unfortunately, it’s a shitty one) and the rest get lost in the shuffle.

What Trauma has going for it, though, is a whole lot of money behind it, something that could cause it to be canceled very soon. Paired up with the fledgling Heroes, Trauma continues to represent how NBC is hemorrhaging money and viewers, and by not putting the show at a proper 10 p.m. spot, it’s getting crushed by the two CBS Chuck Lorre sitcoms. But oh man, does it ever get saved by its big action sequences. Nothing has been spared in the high-octane situations that structure the show, from the mostly unnecessary season opener that blew up part of a building to what can’t be cheap San Francisco location shooting. But with an HD DVR and a 52″ HD LCD Eco-Series Bravia television, I’ve never missed my old stomping grounds of the San Francisco Bay Area more. I’m staying to watch this show just from how much is shot there, how [mostly] accurate the set-ups are, and even its inclusion of mayor Gavin Newsome’s actress wife in the supporting cast. My wife can tell you more about the show’s focus on North Beach, where she worked for two years.

My issue, though, is seemingly contradictory. The action is what makes the show work, but it’s a chore sitting through a single episode. It’s fun to yell out “Trauma!” whenever something terrible happens, but in the second episode, we had four separate cases of trauma including the Embarcadero Street Fair getting pummeled by a car piloted by a man having a stroke. This is enough for three episodes on Grey’s Anatomy, but it’s almost a sidenote here. It’s too much action in a show that desperately needs it to survive. But goddamn, does it look expensive. And that expense kind of negates the verité style it’s going for, so I don’t know what to think anymore.

I would rather see Alex O'Laughlin do anything else.

I would rather see Alex O'Laughlin do anything else.

Three Rivers has only aired one episode, and this is after it was heavily recast (which happened to Alex O’Loughlin’s last show Moonlight as well) as it was decided to air the second episode first. No matter, because the show helped drop CBS to one of its lowest-rated Sunday nights ever, being paired up with Cold Case. (All the family viewers and young professionals pretty much abandon the channel after The Amazing Race is over.) It’s not long for this world, and for good reason. It thinks that we want to be preached to right off the gate, and so this drama about an organ transplant facility in Pittsburgh just doesn’t work. It’s unfair to judge it based on one episode (and one that isn’t the damned pilot), but when a show starts off talking down to us, it’s not a good feeling. ABC’s Grey’s started off as a much frothier show (I would even call it a dramedy) and only later fell into its soapy rhythms, but Three Rivers doesn’t seem to have time for that. A major problem: I understand its decision to include the story about where the organs are coming from in order to humanize the situation, but it’s mostly unnecessary and I hope they abandon it, because it makes the characters back at the facility complete ciphers, just going through the procedural motions. Even O’Loughlin, as famed surgeon Andy Yablonski, isn’t enough to draw me back for much longer, and I once again fear that Alfre Woodard is one of the most misused actresses of her generation. It’s not the worst new drama of the season, nor is it the most obnoxious (so far, that seems to be the tonally misshapen The Forgotten), but if it doesn’t pick up soon, it will be canceled before I even give up on it. (Remember CBS’s hospital drama 3 Lbs.? No? It was on less than five years ago. Still don’t remember it? Exactly. But I watched all three episodes.)

So give Mercy a chance, and I don’t think you’ll regret it. Its cases, while mostly unoriginal, are handled delicately, and the characters feel like actual people. The other two shows? If you’re not into high-definition cinematography of San Francisco or learning about the intricacies of putting new hearts into pregnant women, they probably won’t work for you, either.

The Wife:
I worry about Mercy‘s necessity. Fundamentally, I like the show. And I really didn’t think I would. When NBC was promoting Mercy, they almost entirely glossed over the fact that this show is a narrative about an Iraq war veteran struggling to reintegrate into civilian life, instead using its promo time to make it look like some slick, glossy glorification of nursing (which indeed deserves such glory) and the bonds of female friendship. Case in point: even if Veronica’s background as a soldier was included, what I remember from those promos is the shots of the girls at the bar together, drinking and smiling.

The hurt backpack.

The hurt backpack.

I do think Mercy, as a show about a female Iraq war veteran, an Army nurse not unlike my mother (who once made her non-military living as an OR nurse), is utterly necessary. It is important for us to experience narratives of soldiers returning from conflicts overseas and to understand what it’s like for them to try to carry on with all the horror they’ve experienced. And it’s especially critical that this is a narrative about a female soldier. For all the women who fight for this country, too many artistic renderings of soldiers focus on the men and their experiences. I even applaud the decision to focus this story around the life of an Army medic, a crucial military position I think many forget about. My mother never (thankfully) saw conflict. But when I hear Veronica talk about setting up field hospitals, I can’t help but think of my mother. She knows how to do that, and has done so many times in her life. I’ve seen what those hospitals look like, as we always went to the family day at the end of the Army Reserve’s two-week summer training exercises where her medical unit practiced setting up those hospitals. So this character is perhaps doubly unique to me. I know the women that she is drawn from, my mother and her friends, and that alone makes her utterly real to me.
But although I think Veronica is a starkly unique character and its important for us to have a narrative of a female Iraq war veteran, I do think that gets lost in the way NBC advertised Mercy and its inevitable pigeonhole as just another medical show. I don’t care so much about the cases Veronica deals with, but I care deeply about her inability to share her wartime experiences with her no-longer-estranged husband. Seeing her hold his head in her hands so that he cannot face her when she talks about losing her friend in the field was truly effective, and I hope those of you who watch Mercy continue to tune in for those stunning portraits of a soldier coming home to a world she no longer knows how to navigate.

As for Trauma, the best parts of the show are screaming “Trauma!” when something traumatic happens, and realizing that I probably walked through the set dozens of times when I worked in North Beach. In fact, there was a scene filmed on Green St. between Grant and Broadway in the second episode that I know I’d walked through during tear-down one day when my coworker and I were heading up to North Beach Pizza for lunch. (I was extra impressed that they got a shot of the new location of North Beach Pizza, which only opened in April or May . . . directly across the street from its former location.) This scene happened to feature a homeless drug addict trying to scam the EMTs into giving him morphine, and I frankly wouldn’t be surprised if the show stumbled upon some of North Beach’s actual colorful homeless people. I will keep watching simply to see restaurants I used to frequent and, hopefully, a glimpse of Knifey Knife (a homeless woman who once threatened my friend at the bakery across from my old office with a pumpkin carving knife) and Charlotte (a kindly homeless woman who enjoyed wigs and often sat outside my office, complimenting me on my shoes). Hell, if one of my couriers, Junior, made it into B-roll on Anthony Bourdain’s San Francisco episode of No Reservations, he might even turn up in a long shot, riding his bike down Columbus.

There is really nothing good about Three Rivers.

The Wife:

Before I begin to discuss last night, I’d like to take a moment to congratulate four of our SYTYCD Choreographers for their Emmy nominations! The Emmy voters have nominated TabNap for “Bleeding Love,” The Emmy Award-Winning Mia Michaels for “Mercy,” Tyce DiOrio for his truly beautiful Adam and Eve jazz piece for Jessica King and William Wingfield and Dmitry Chaplin for his Argentine tango for Joshua Allen and Chelsie Hightower. The SYTYCDers lead the pack in this category, facing only one nomination from that other reality dance competition program (a jive from Julianne and Derek Hough) and the “Musicals are Back” showpiece from the 81st Annual Academy Awards. The sheer number of nominations snatched up by SYTYCD, I think, reinforces what I love about this show and proves to me that the Emmy institution’s decision to expand their categories to six nominations this year has allowed for more thoughtful decisions and recognizes true artistry. Nothing makes me happier than to see people share in the joy of this show, and to see great art recognized. So, congrats to Nappytabs, Mia, Tyce and Dima! (And on a personal note, even though I hate Tyce, I sort of want him to win so he’ll stop doing shitty Broadway and return to his strengths as a jazz choreographer, which is obviously where he really shines. See? I’m not totally mean!)

Now that we’ve reached our Top 10 Dancers, the producers decided that we didn’t have a moment to waste and treated us to 5 routines, 10 solos and 2 group numbers for the top girls and boys. For the sake of my sanity, I’ll discuss the routines in my typical fashion (Excellent, Good to Very Good, Mediocre, Problematic), followed by the solos ranked in order of their impressiveness and then, just for larfs, the group numbers.

The Excellent

Jeanine and Jason (Contemporary)
Choreography by SYTYCD Season 2 Runner-Up Travis Wall, who now has dark hair and tattoos. (My new fantasy celebrigays: Travis Wall and Adam Lambert. Best. Couple. EVER.)
Song: “If It Kills Me” by Jason Mraz

Thank you, Travis Wall, for attending the Debbie Allen Dance Academy so you could give me this beauty.

Thank you, Travis Wall, for attending the Debbie Allen Dance Academy so you could give me this beauty.

This was an absolutely stunning piece of choreography by an amazing contemporary dancer (whom you may remember from the last thing The Emmy Award-Winning Mia Michaels won an Emmy for . . . season 2’s “Bench Dance” with Heidi). I was so impressed with Travis’ choreography and its dynamism. He truly took us on a visual ride here in a piece with levels, floorwork, individual sections, synchronized leaps, jumps, lifts, story and sensuality. There wasn’t a single moment in this work that felt inorganic, and it’s a testament to Jeanine and Jason’s skills as dancers that they danced it with complete authenticity. I believed them, and I was there. Seriously, this was better than most movie sex scenes at capturing romance, longing and what it’s like to finally heed the word of your body. The only critique I can really give here is that it was apparent in the beginning of the number that the necklace wasn’t working the way it should. When they do this on tour, I would do away with the prop altogether. It worked for TV, but on stage, it would be too small of a prop to notice and, in fact, I think the motions of giving it and taking it would absolutely still work without the actual prop. So there’s that. But even that prop malfunction couldn’t diminish the work that was done with this. Sheer brilliance, and great collaboration that, to borrow from Debbie Allen, is “evangelizing dance in a way nothing else has.” Amen, Miss Allen. Mary awarded it a silent scream, just to appease Conan O’Brien, who lives in fear of her shrieking. (Does is still count as an Official Mary Murphy Scream if no sound comes out? This is the eternal question.)

Melissa and Brandon (Broadway)
Choreography by Tyce DiOrio
Song: “Aquarius” from Hair (It’s the New Broadway Cast recording, for those who care.)

See, this is what dance on Broadway these days actually looks like. This is why I don’t think that Broadway is a style of dance because the kind of dancing required in a Broadway show should be varied to suit the mood, music and story. But on the other hand, without that label, what the fuck would I call what Tyce usually does? (Husband Note: “Crap.”) Anyway, I give Tyce his fair share of crap for the kind of hokey work he usually produces, but I’ve long said that his jazz work is some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. I love the piece he did for Ivan and Allison in season 2, I love the African jazz he did for Pasha and Jessi in season 3 and Emmy voters and I both love the near-silent jazz piece he created for Will and Jessica last year. He works best when he’s freed from his desperate need to be like Bob Fosse, and I’m glad he chose to do a piece from Hair this week, for a few reasons.

Far out, man.

Far out, man.

First and foremost, this piece reminded me what Tyce is like when he’s good, and his choreography was really good in this one. It lent itself to the characters he created, suited the spirit of the show and told a story along with the music. Secondly, I’ve never actually seen Hair, and my first experience listening to the whole cast album (with the new cast) was on our drive up to Seattle the other week. I’ve had it stuck in my head ever since because I really dig it. (I mean, who writes a libretto like that anymore?) Third, the cast of Hair came all the way from New York on their dark night to perform on The Tonight Show and watching them take over the studio actually moved me a great deal. Of all the New York-based late night shows, Conan O’Brien was the best at booking Broadway actors (Husband Note: Second-best, as Letterman usually has that covered.), and I thought it was wonderful that he got an entire cast to fly out on their night off to bring that experience to the culture suck that is L.A. I can only imagine what it was like for those Burbank audience members to have their hair tousled by love-spreading hippies, a kind of interactive theatre experience that is basically dead in L.A. It was just really fucking cool. (Cooler than when they did it at the Tonys, that’s for sure.) Finally, just yesterday, the cast announced that they’d be going dark on October 11 so they could all join cast mate Gavin Creel (who plays Claude) in Washington, D.C. for the Equal Rights March. Nothing could be more in the spirit of that show and its message of peace, love and understanding than for its entire cast to join an openly gay cast member in his fight for equality.

I guess Nigel wasn’t quite hip to anything about Hair and why it’s important (other than Twyla Tharp’s choreography of the movie, which I have seen and don’t love), because the only thing he could really comment on was how “this was the time when white girls danced with black boys.” Uh, yeah. In fact, if he’d ever heard the damn show, he would already know that “black boys are delicious.” To his credit, though, the fact that it was danced by dancers of two different ethnicities did indeed highlight the message of that particular song and the themes of the show. (And may I say that the black boys on SYTYCD are indeed quite delicious?) Brandon and Melissa danced this number just as beautifully as it was choreographed, and I have to give extra props to Melissa here for being so in character. She’s a great little actress, and I can only imagine how much of a joy she’d be to work with.

The Good to Very Good

Jeanette and Ade (Hip-Hop)
Choreography by TabNap
Song: “Love Sex Magic” by Ciara ft. Justin Timberlake

Paging Dr. Funk.

Paging Dr. Funk.


This was a very cutesy number from TabNap, and I think it was danced with a lot of gusto from both Jeanette and Ade. However, I was very worried for Jeanette during their tuck-and-roll segment because something about the way she hit the floor looked off and I thought Ade might smoosh her head. The use of Ade’s magic hairpick was pretty cute, too. But because it isn’t Travis Wall’s piece or Tyce’s rendition of Hair, I don’t have a whole lot to say about it.

Kayla and Evan (Viennese Waltz)
Choreography by Tony Meredith and Melanie LaPatin
Song: “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal

A testament to the power of footwear.

A testament to the power of footwear.

I completely agree with Nigel that this number’s biggest problem was the fact that it didn’t look like a Viennese waltz, and I also agree with Mary about the clunkiness of Evan’s turns in the final third of the dance. However, I thought the rest of it was really pretty good. The wizardry of shoes managed to even out the height disparity between tall Kayla and her vertically challenged partner, Evan, and with the exception of that final third, they danced this really well. Kayla was great all around, actually, and I give Evan points for keeping up with her. His feet may not have been spectacular, but his frame was really good and he supported her well throughout the dance, especially in that lift.

The Mediocre

Randi and Kupono (Paso Doble)
Choreography by Tony Meredith and Melanie LaPatin
Song: “Dies Irae” by Carl Jenkins

The weakness of this Paso Doble had nothing to do with the music or the choreography, but everything to do with Kupono. He just didn’t dance this hard enough or with enough passion. Randi at least made a good show of putting on her fiery face, even if she, too, is guilty of the most cardinal Paso Doble sin of not dancing hard enough. A great Paso has to be danced into the ground, stamped and bullied like a great flamenco number or, you know, the bullfight it’s emulating. All in all, it just wasn’t up to snuff, and I can’t even give that death drop full credit because Kupono took her out one half turn too early. I did, however, not mind the addition of Randi’s wig, although I resent Nigel’s comment about how she did it to create some passion, which basically says that women with shorthair are passionless. Thanks, Nigel! I’m sure Mia Michaels it the most passionless person you’ve ever met, with that elfin pixie cut!

For all Kupono's good acting in other pieces, I fail to see where it went this week.

For all Kupono's good acting in other pieces, I fail to see where it went this week.

The Solos

1. Ade once again performed a completely insane, off-the-hook solo to – of all things! – “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers, complete with a backflip toward the stairs that actually made me fear for his life. Not even kidding, he was so close to those stairs I would he was going to break his neck and die on national television. But he didn’t! Because that’s how good he is!

2. Jeanine gets a million extra points from me for choreographing her solo to the same song (“Violento – Up Mix” by Bailongo!) that underscored her tragic Argentine tango with Chbeeb. She presented a really interesting 30 seconds of dancing that mixed her classical technique with some Latin-esque moves. It was impressive.

3. Brandon needs to join Alvin Ailey immediately if he doesn’t win. He’s just so amazing and so ready, as I think this solo to Jeffrey Gaines’ cover of “In You Eyes” proved.

4. Evan reminded his fans exactly why we like him by performing a great, classic little 40s-style number to Rufus Wainwright’s “Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart” from the Rufus! Rufus! Rufus! Does Judy! Judy! Judy! concert. I only wish he’d entered his windmill segment about five seconds earlier so we’d have been able to see his full glory.

5. Kayla did an absolutely Radomkulous contemporary solo to Elisa’s “Rock Your Soul.” She’s just so good. Why don’t you love her, America?

6. Jason actually showed me he was creative and had personality with his funky, down-home solo to Muddy Waters’ “Train from Home.”

7. Jeanette closed the solo portion of the show by proclaiming “This is Miami,” which, in fact, I think she is. Like, when I think of Miami, I think of Jeanette.

8. Melissa performed a much weaker ballet solo this week than she did last week to “Gabriel” by Lamb. Still pretty, though.

9. Randi did a graceful contemporary routine to “Dream” by Priscilla Ann. It struck me when I watched this that I actually had no idea who Randi was outside of Evan. She’s a good dancer, but I don’t think she has the spark that the other girls in the competition do.

10. Kupono gave us one of his best solos ever, but still the worst of the night. He danced to “Marina Gasolina” by Bonde do Role, and I have no idea why he insisted on doing so in a gay zombie costume.

As for the group numbers, we were treated to a whole lot of ethnic dancing tonight, with the girls performing a Nakul Dev Mahajan Bollywood number and the boys performing a Jeffrey Page African dance. I thought both numbers were absolutely stellar and a joy to watch, but of the two, I think the girls’ number was more expertly danced. I agree with Nigel that none of them stood out as better than the rest, which of course also means that no one fell behind as worst of the bunch. As far as the story was concerned, I’m pretty sure that number was about how women seduce men and take them off the path of righteousness. You know, like a really fun dance version of the scene in the Disney Jungle Book where Mowgli sees a girl fetching water and all of a sudden he decides he wants to live with human folk. Hmm . . . maybe it’s about how women’s beauty civilizes men? Whatever. Who the fuck cares? It was fun, and the girls made a great show of it. Nigel even put them on his “hot bangers-and-mash train,” which I’m pretty sure is his penis.

With the boys, I think it was much clearer in this number that some of the boys just aren’t as strong as others. Although Evan stuck out like a sore thumb because he is the only male dancer on SYTYCD without ANY kind of ethnicity, he wasn’t the worst dancer of the bunch. No, that honor goes to Kupono, who fell back into his old critique of simply looking too feminine. While all of the boys kept up with the fast footwork of this number, I thought the thing that truly separated the men from the boys here (if you’ll pardon the expression) was the detail in the arm movements. It was clear that Evan and Kupono simply didn’t have the arm strength to uphold those angles like Jason, Ade and Brandon did. But even then, Evan kept it up a little better than the Hawaiian, who too often looked limber and willowy, rather than bold, geometric and strong. Here, I thought Nigel was being a little too complimentary in saying that no one stood out, because someone definitely did.

So based on the pairwork, dancing and solos, my picks for who is going home tonight (and this is putting my faith that American will still, at least for the next two weeks, vote out the less-strong dancers before turning this competition into a favorite-dancer-free-for-all) are Randi and Kupono. I don’t think Randi’s anything without Evan, and it’s already pretty clear that America doesn’t love the tall Hawaiian because he dresses poorly and, I repeat, IS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE MARK KANEMURA. Also, Fox.com promised me I’d hear about Kupono’s furniture collection. I am very disappointed that I haven’t heard about this yet. Please mention it in his exit package so I can at least feel like mentioning that in his website bio was slightly justified.

Other thoughts:

  • Given that I am in the process of getting a large botanical tattoo on my shoulder, I’ve decided I need Cat’s green strapless dress so I can show it off at cocktail parties. I’ll probably find it later when I go interweb hunting, but if anyone beats me to it and posts a link in the comments, I will . . . uh . . . send you a cookie . . . or something . . .
  • Jeanine danced so well last night that she ALMOST made me forget she opened the show wearing a romper. I’m sorry, but if you’re a grown woman, you shouldn’t be wearing something meant for toddlers.
  • At the show’s open, why was Kupono wearing a man-corset that he didn’t bother to lace closed? What’s the point of an open corset?
  • Dear Hollywood types: Please don’t hire Kupono as a stylist or designer one he leaves this show. The gay zombie look is so gauche.
  • Now I know that Cat is a Rufus Wainwright fan, and that makes me love her all the more.
  • When Dev called the Top 5 girls the “Bollywood Bombshells,” I was reminded of a great 1960s Bollywood soundtrack for a film called The Bombshell Baby of Bombay. My friend Lauren loves that soundtrack, and when we cook and drink at her house, we always end up listening to it. Good times, Bombshell Baby of Bombay.
  • I am very disappointed that we didn’t see the Fame trailer last night, as Debbie Allen basically IS FAME and Kerrington Payne is kind of starring in it. Maybe tonight? Maybe a special performance from the cast of Fame? Maybe maybe?

The Wife:

We don’t usually do news here, but since I’m trying to decide what shows I can and can’t watch next year (thus, can and can’t cover) because of grad school, I figured I’d help you all out by sharing my handy-dandy season schedules for the major networks here at Children of St. Clare.

I’ve listed everything by hour, as most networks are running hour-long shows these days, so two half-hour shows are listed in the same box with the time the latter show starts in between them. If a show runs longer than one hour, I’ve indicated the length and listed it in the hour in which it starts. Asterisks (*) indicate new shows, and I’ll have some snap judgments on those shows following these graphics:

falllineupMTWRF

And here’s the weekend schedule for the fall, which, as you can see, is largely blank:

FallineupSS

In January, the networks will change to their midseason schedules:

midseasonlineupMTWRF

And here’s the weekend midseason schedule

midseasonlineupSS

Now, on the midseason schedule, you may notice some funny little symbols after the network names. Here are those footnotes:

  • # ABC has not yet announced its midseason lineup. The have, however, three new shows on deck: V, Happy Town and The Deep End, as well as returning shows Lost, Wife Swap, True Beauty, The Bachelor, Better Off Ted and Scrubs. Timeslots all to be determined.
  • + CBS has not yet announced its midseason lineup, but has the following shows for midseason replacements: Miami Trauma*, The Bridge*, Undercover Boss*, Arranged Marriage*, Rules of Engagement, Flashpoint
  • = CW’s midseason debut is Parental Discretion Advised, timeslot to be determined.
  • Additionally, Fox has Hell’s Kitchen scheduled for Summer 2010, and has Kitchen Nightmares on deck to fill holes in the schedule.

Now, for my snap judgments . . .

NBC: While we all know by now how I feel about Jay Leno, I can honestly tell you that the only one of their new shows I will definitely watch is Joel McHale’s comedy pilot Community, joining the NBC Thursday comedy block in 30 Rock‘s spot until it returns at midseason. Community has a good premise (McHale finds his college degree is invalid and must go back to community college to make up the credits), and has both McHale and Chevy Chase, who turned in a good performance as the villain at the end of Chuck season 2. I am overjoyed that Chuck is returning at midseason, as I think a 13-episode run will give us only the most super-concentrated awesomeness Chuck has to offer. I do not need another medical show in my life, so I’m declining Trauma and Michelle Trachtenberg’s nursing show, Mercy. 100 Questions looks so much like Friends that it is entirely out of the question for me. But then there’s Day One, which has a nice pedigree of coming from the people who work on Lost, Heroes and Fringe. It could be awesome, or it could be hokey, but I think it’s the only other promising thing NBC has to offer us.

ABC: I am delighted that ABC has given a permanent slot to Castle, allowing Nathan Fillion to prove he is charming, rakish and shouldn’t be a showkiller! He and Adam Baldwin have broken their own curse! Other than that, though, I am extremely concerned at how unimpressive the new shows debuting for fall seem, compared to the stuff ABC has on deck for midseason. Not a single one of the Wednesday night comedy block shows looks palatable. Hank looks downright abysmal, The Middle looks, well, middling, Modern Family falls flat and Cougar Town is trying way too hard. I might DVR Eastwick because I like Rebecca Romjin and Lindsay Price, but I have no emotional ties to either the previous film or the novel upon which it’s based to grab my immediate attention. I watched a clip from The Forgotten and I can tell you right now that I think it’s going to be the most dour procedural on television, and I certainly don’t need that in my life. I am, however, intrigued by Flash Forward because I like both time travel and Joseph Fiennes. But what sounds really interesting are the midseason shows. The Deep End is about law students and, out of all the ABC clips I watched, it certainly has the most character, pizzazz and joy. It also has Tina Majorino, looking the prettiest she’s ever looked. I will give that a shot when it premeires. I will also give hardcore sci-fi reboot V a shot, as we certainly don’t have any shows on network TV currently dealing with alien invasion, and I’m really jazzed on the trailer for Happy Town, which seems like its going to be a slightly more normal Twin Peaks (in that its a small town mystery), only this time, with Amy Acker!

FOX: I’m wary of a fall edition of SYTYCD, but I do see the benefit of it giving FOX a consistent schedule so that things don’t get shitfucked when Idol rolls around at midseason. Perhaps, if this is a success, going forward we’ll have to find a new totally awesome summer reality competition . . . maybe one for actors? OR MAYBE WE CAN MAKE A TRIPLE THREAT SHOW BECAUSE I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH THAT????? (Please, FOX?!!!!) Fox is actually my favorite of the networks so far, actually. I’m happy to see they’ve renewed Dollhouse and paired Bones with Fringe, which makes for a really rockin’ Thursday. Also excited to see Sons of Tucson with Tyler Labine as it looks pretty funny from the promo.  Human Target looks pretty fun, too. And you best fucking bet I will be watching Glee. The only thing I think I’d really pass on, here, is Past Life, and that’s just because I’m not really interested in seeing a show that solves crimes using past life regression (although one of my favorite X-Files episodes has exactly that conceit). So, rock on, FOX. You are my winner for next season.

CBS: I will be skipping pretty much every new show on CBS this year as they continue to build their police procedural empire. However, I will give a try to the new Monday comedy Accidentally on Purpose, even though it’s based on the memoirs of a film critic I don’t like very much, the Contra Costa Times‘ Mary F. Pols, who can’t seem to see the good in anything at all. The show is set in San Francisco, though Pols lives somewhere in the Walnut Creek area in reality, I assume, and Jenna Elfman plays the fictional version of Pols’ film critic who accidentally gets pregnant by a younger, one-night stand and decides to keep the baby, and it’s daddy. I generally like Jenna Elfman and, of course, adore Grant Show, who will be playing her boss. I will also give Three Rivers a shot, because it stars Moonlight‘s Alex O’Laughlin and its about organ donation, so there’s a chance I could see him repeat at least part of his horrifying performance in Feed, a film in which he kidnaps obese women and feeds them their own fat until they die. (How he would repeat part of that performance, I don’t know, but I’d like to see CBS try.)

CW: Will I watch a show produced by Ashton Kutcher about teenage models called The Beautiful Life? Yes, I will. Will I watch a show about teenage vampires called The Vampire Diaries? Indeed, I would probably watch something like that, as long as it sucked in a good way and not a bad way. Melrose Place? I have even less of a connection to that show than to 90210, so I’m not inclined to watch the reboot — especially since Ashlee Simpson’s on it. But, hey, I might need some mind-numbing crap to counterbalance all my grad school reading, so perhaps. I’ll give Melrose Place a perhaps, a perhaps perhaps, even, if I choose to continue watching 90210, making my Tuesday nights just like 1992. I am, however, surprised that CW axed the Gossip Girl spin-off, as even though I didn’t like the backdoor pilot, I did think the show had potential. I’m also surprised they axed Jason Dohring and Minka Kelly’s legal show, Body Politic, if only because I was hoping both former Moonlight vampires would have jobs come fall, but I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for Josef Kostan nee Logan Echolls.

So, as the curtain on this TV season falls, you can look forward to me actually writing about Mad Men this summer, as well as many, many articles on SYTYCD. After that, I’m going to have to see what my fall schedule is like and compare it to the above fall schedules to see what I can really watch and what I can, in turn, cover.

I’ll make you guys a chart of all that later.