The Wife:

I could not have asked for a better season finale for Chuck than what we witnessed last night. It was moving, suspenseful, action-packed and funny – all of the things we’ve come to expect from this sophomore series which, I hope, gained enough viewers last night who also happen to enjoy $5 Footlongs from Subway to get NBC’s attention. Although last night’s finale would make a good end to the series as we know it, there’s so much more story to tell, heading in a fresh new direction. I’m trying not to get my hopes up that NBC will do right by Chuck and everyone who works on it and give it the greenlight for a third season, but I really believe that Chuck has the potential to have at least two more stellar seasons, maybe even three. And NBC needs to realize that. How could they not after “Chuck vs. the Ring?”

Finally, Ellie and Awesome’s wedding day has arrived, Chuck and Casey quit the Buy More and the team is about to split up to go their separate ways. Casey’s off to do some hardcore Marine shit somewhere in the Middle East, Sarah has been assigned to the new Intersect project acting as Bryce Larkin’s handler (as he will now carry the Intersect inside his head) and Chuck, well, all Chuck wants is to have a future with Sarah, turning down the opportunity to remain on the Intersect team as an analyst. Chuck barely has time to get a nice champagne buzz going over the news that his dream girl will be leaving with his old college rival/ex-bestie before Roark shows up at the wedding and demands that Chuck give him the Intersect cube within 30-40 minutes or he will kill Ellie.

Chuck heads off to steal the Intersect from the Castle and asks Morgan to stall the wedding by any means necessary. This, of course, means getting Jeffster to play a totally stirring rendition of “Mr. Roboto.” At the Castle, he finds Bryce, who offers to give himself to Roark and tells Chuck that Orion knew Bryce was a spy all along and sent him to be at Chuck’s side at Stanford to protect him. While Ellie’s guests are waiting in the church, Roark, Bryce, Chuck and Sarah have a reception ruining shoot-out in the dining room (scored by Jeffster, of course) and are almost toast, until Casey and his black ops soldiers crash through the skylight, killing Roark’s flunkies and arresting the software mogul. Even with her reception ruined, Ellie’s wedding could have gone on . . . had Jeffster not ended their performance by setting off some sparklers, which in turn set off the sprinklers, dousing the guests and the bride.

Ellie takes to getting trashed on champagne in her bathtub, still wearing her wedding dress, and Chuck tries his best to make her feel better by telling her that he was the one that screwed up her wedding and that he’ll make it up to her somehow. With Sarah, Bryce, Casey and the black ops’ help, they manage to pull together a second wedding for Ellie and Awesome (paid for by Chuck’s sizable government stipend for two years of spy work), more akin to the wedding she’d always wanted: small, on the beach, surrounded by friends and family, rather than the big fancy to-do cooked up by the Awesomes. Both weddings would have been beautiful, but the bridesmaids dresses were definitely better at the beach wedding. And, most importantly, Ellie looked better at her second wedding than she did at her first one. That silk halter with the deep v-neck was a total stunner.

Geek girl thought of the day: My dad was totally awesome at my wedding, but how cool would it have been to have Scott Bakula and Zachary Levi walk me down the aisle?

Geek girl thought of the day: My dad was totally awesome at my wedding, but how cool would it have been to have Scott Bakula and Zachary Levi walk me down the aisle?

But even though all is right for Ellie and Awesome, Sarah tells Bryce during the ceremony that she won’t be going with him on their new Intersect mission and, meanwhile, one of Casey’s men kills Roark in cold blood, as well as the three other Marines on his team. Bryce pops up at Ellie and Awesome’s reception to talk to Papa Bartowski before being hauled away by his new handler, on whom Papa B flashes (because, hey, he has an Intersect in his head, too). That man is not CIA. In fact, he’s not even supposed to be alive. Once Sarah and Chuck get this information, they take off to save Bryce, with Papa Bartowski’s wristral jackomater in tow. By the time Sarah, Chuck and Casey arrive at Bryce’s location, he has already bested several adversaries, but been mortally wounded. As he lays dying, he begs Chuck to destroy the new, more powerful Intersect so that no one, especially these new, non-Fulcrum baddies, gets their hands on the intelligence. But, knowing the value of the Intersect and his father’s work on it, Chuck uploads the data into his head, becoming the Intersect once again, before destroying the upload computer. Just how powerful is this new Intersect? Well, it seems to come with some special new skills, best summarized by Chuck’s newfound ability to take out, like, eight dudes by himself and this paraphrased line from The Matrix:

“Guys . . . I know kung fu.” – Chuck

An excellent episode, worthy of more like this to come. Cross your fingers, guys.

Rivaling Angel for cool sequences that take place in white rooms.

Rivaling Angel for cool sequences that take place in white rooms.

Some other funny:

  • “If you were a true patriot, you wouldn’t even cash it.” – Casey, on Chuck’s government check
  • “Why are you letting Sam Kinison and an Indian lesbian wreck your wedding?” – Awesome’s dad
  • “Hm. A real shotgun wedding. Just think: that terrible pun will be the last thing you ever hear.” – Roark

The Husband:

My Name Is Earl 4.17 “Friends With Benefits”

Now that Darnell and Joy are in the Witness Protection Program, Earl and Randy move back into their old trailer, where they are joyous to discover that Mr. Turtle has returned after being lost so many episodes ago. But where did he go? According to the narration, he escaped “from pet-loving nudists, participated in a marathon, got into a little trouble with drugs and alcohol, then he saw some things he shouldn’t have seen, and even took a lover for a few days.”

Earl wants to send Mr. Turtle to wherever Darnell is now, but his plans to simply ship him over is blocked by Catalina.

“You can’t just ship a turtle, Earl. It’s not like a vase or a person.”

But soon Earl notices that, inside Mr. Turtle’s food canister, is a special note in case they ever found Mr. Turtle, a note to call Darnell on his secret hair phone. Making contact, Earl decides to visit the newly minted Cristals (I didn’t catch what Darnell’s new first name was), only to be surprised to find them in a very sunny, very rich place.

But Joy, with all of her trailer park-ness ingrained in her, cannot seem to fit in amongst the rich trophy wife neighbors (Morgan Fairchild, Andrea Parker, Joan Van Ark), and especially cannot relate to their problems. It seems that they feel their lives are empty, and that is forming into terrible insomnia for each and every one of the women.

Joy, afraid that having Earl around will blow her cover and expose her “white trash” nature, she tries to get him out of town, but as he turns on his car, the backfire exhaust temporarily blinds Morgan Fairchild’s dog, but instead of getting blamed for it, Fairchild takes her tiny dog back from Earl (the dog’s name, of course, is Gucci) and becomes fascinated with his seemingly New Age way of dealing with life – karma and something intriguing called “The List.”

Earl, as a result, pretends to be Joy’s former spiritual guide, and imparts his “do good things for others” on the trophy wives, who find their lives slowly becoming better. This includes apologizing to all those who they did wrong, including their maids.

“The boys kept crying for brown mommy.” – Morgan Fairchild

Earl begins to freak out when he accidentally promises them that all their good karma will bring them all their wishes (including a private jet and new fake breasts), but all that changes when the women, conscious cleared, finally get the good night’s sleep they had been craving.

Meanwhile, with Earl gone, Randy is befriended by a burly guy (Eric Allan Kramer, Little John from one of my favorite 90s comedies, Mel Brooks’ Robin Hood: Men In Tights) who mistakes Randy’s Earl-longing as a broken heart over an ex-lover, and that Randy is gay. Randy agrees to have sleepovers with the man, unaware of the guy’s true intentions, leading to some silly sitcom nonsense, until Earl comes back and Randy ignorantly shuns his “lover.”

While the Randy plot was pretty unfunny and predictable, I really liked seeing Earl out of his element once again amongst the trophy wives, and thought Joy showed some marvelous depth this week as she tried to work through her childhood issues of being poor amongst the rich kids at school. The Witness Protection Program is really softening this woman, and while I would have loved to see her kids appear simply to discover how the new location has affected them, I feel as if I was rewarded well enough.

The Office 5.14 “Lecture Circuit Part 2”

Starting with what I believe is The Office’s first “Previously On” cold opening, we pick up where we left off last week, with Michael and Pam on a Dunder Mifflin lecture circuit, canceling one appearance so they can go to Nashua, NH in order for Michael go to see his former lover Holly. Arriving there, Michael learns three things, one disappointing and two horrible:

1.) Holly is gone for the next three days on an HR retreat

2.) She has a new boyfriend

3.) Her boyfriend, Rob Huebel, is a coworker

Michael attempts to do his presentation – with a very bizarre opening joke that references that priest in The Princess Bride who had the speech impediment – but he overtakes it with several inappropriate questions aimed directly at Huebel, finally leading to him completely losing it and leaving the room. Pam, trying to save face, takes over the presentation, which is both easy and humiliating as Michael actually writes down all the stupid impersonations he will use (i.e. Forrest Gump) on flashcards.

Pam gives a good first impression.

Pam gives a good first impression.

While Pam finishes the presentation, Michael goes to Holly’s desk, cuts a sleeve off of the sweater she left, and when he accidentally bumps into her computer and smiles as he sees her Ed Grimley wallpaper, he notices a document titled “Dear Michael,” which he quickly puts on his flash drive.

At a nearby diner, Michael tells Pam of his theft, and she tells him that while him reading the unsent document would be an invasion of Holly’s privacy, she tries to make him feel better by offering that she read it instead. A few minutes later, all Pam tells Michael is that…dun dun duuuuun…Holly isn’t completely over Michael. Whether or not Pam is being honest or not to Michael isn’t revealed (not that I can tell, anyway), but it’s intriguing nonetheless. It’s a downer ending to an episode, though, and while I’m quite aware this show deals with very sad and relatable ideas, I’m always taken aback by a story so depressing and humiliating. It’s a rough show, to say the least.

Back in Scranton, Dwight and Jim continue to try to throw Kelly the best birthday party ever, but as usual their polar opposite personalities get in the way of any progress. An example would be all the ideas Dwight had for a birthday party, which are as follows:

  • Beer
  • Fights to the death
  • Cupcakes
  • Blood pudding
  • Blood
  • Touch football
  • Mating
  • Charades
  • Horse hunting

Under intense pressure (and a very sad Kelly), they finally do something creative and present her, finally, with a cake that actually has her name on it (while they misspell it as “Kelley,” at least it has writing on it this time) and a tiny chiclet on it, which apparently represents a choice for her special birthday present: either she can watch TV at work for one hour, or take a one-hour nap. She chooses the latter, and is very happy that they worked so hard to please her.

In a rare C-story, Angela has bought a new cat for $7000 (its mother was in Meet The Parents), and sets up a webcam at her house connected to her work computer to monitor its interaction with her other cats.

Cats make everything funnier.

Cats make everything funnier.

“[$7000] for a cat? I could get you a kid for that.” – Creed

But Oscar and Kevin notice some strange sounds coming from Angela’s computer and find that her new cat is getting all kinds of raped by her other cats. Aghast, Angela goes home (forgetting to turn off the streaming video), and as Oscar and Kevin look on, she starts cleaning her cats with her tongue all over (stranger parts implied, too). Oscar is forever scarred, wondering what kind of psychological damage was inflicted upon Angela at such a young age to make her such a bizarre cat-lover and person-hater.

Other bits from the episode:

  • We learn that Kelly was in juvie from age 14-15 for stealing a boat
  • “Stop. Forever stop that story.” – Jim to Dwight re: the story of his birth (complete with his mother biting his umbilical cord)

The Wife:

Kath & Kim 1.14 “Celebrity”

For once in its entire run, Kath & Kim managed to create a memorable episode highlighting the absolute absurdity that this show should have always been striving to achieve. Kath moonlights as a makeup artist and hair/wig stylist for the local community theatre organization, which is apparently the closest she’s ever gotten to achieving her dream of performing on “the American stage.” The theatre troupe’s resident diva, Lenore, played by guest star Jennifer Coolidge, who is never bad in anything ever, scores every choice role, from Lady Macbeth (she later performs an impromptu rendition of the “Out, damned spot!” scene at Sandwich Island, which is hilarious because its truly, truly terrible) to Maggie the Cat in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Speaking of Cats, the tackiest musical ever made, that’s what the next play will be and Kath is desperate to play Grizabella and sing that one obnoxious Andrew Lloyd Weber song admired by every first grader in Kevin Smith’s Jersey Girl and notably ruined by American Idol‘s Jason Castro who, to wit, “didn’t even know that song was sung by a cat.” Lenore informs Kath that she also plans to “audition” for Grizabella, which means she will get the role.

Phil encourages Kath to audition, despite Lenore’s threat, sending her once again to Athena Scooberman (Maya Rudolph) for advice on how to prepare for her audition. Not only is Athena a certified life coach, but she’s also a vocal and acting coach and she sets Kath on the proper path to scoring the role of Grizabella. And how does Athena help her prepare for the role? By having an entire conversation as a cat. Like, full-on hisses and meows and claw swiping and snarls. You want to know how to win my heart? Have two grown women do nothing for a full 60 seconds but make cat noises. So weird, and so transcendently funny. I mean, who hasn’t done this? Right? Right?

Because of Kath’s rigorous training schedule, she has no time to deal with Kim and her desire to buy expensive kitchen gadgets (like an ice cream maker which, she rationalizes, will actually end up saving them money because then Kath won’t have to buy Kim ice cream all the time), and tells Kim to buy it herself. Kim scoffs at this because, feh, like, she doesn’t have a job and Phil, sensing an opportunity to win points with his soon-to-be-step-daughter offers Kim a position at Sandwich Island. Phil and Kath are dubious about how this will turn out, considering Kim’s natural predilection for laziness, but on the job, her natural bitchery wins out over her laziness and she becomes extremely proficient at getting the other Sandwich Island employees to do their jobs better and more efficiently. (Technically, this means she’s still not doing much, but hey, doesn’t that just mean she was born to be in management?)

Seeing Kim at work and in uniform really turns Craig on, as he harbors a pretty intense fantasy about women in uniform, and eventually, he coerces his estranged wife to fool around with him behind a dumpster in the parking lot . . . which just happens to be on Sandwich Island’s dumpster cam. Catching Kim wrapped around Craig is too much for Phil to bear, and he forces her to turn in her sullied apron.

At Kath’s Cats audition, she can barely make it through “I Enjoy Being a Girl” because Lenore keeps giving her a death glare from the front row. Athena and Phil tag along for moral support and after watching Kath falter a few times, Athena stands up and lends her voice to boost Kath’s, eventually joining her on stage, which also encourages Phil to join in, ending with the trio performing the song as the lighting guy puts the spot on them and the pyrotechnics go off. Again, a foray into the ridiculous that totally served this episode well, especially because of Athena’s extreme showboating when she makes her way to the stage.

As a result of this rousing audition, Athena, Kath and Phil all get roles in the chorus of Cats leading to yet another sublime scene in which they discuss being in the play whilst in cat costumes, and even Phil offering Kim her job back . . . while still in his costume and makeup. Truly, truly sublime. I mean like SNL‘s Bobby Moynihan as Snagglepuss sublime. I wish every episode of Kath & Kim were as awesomely ludicrous and neatly structured as this one.

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats!

Jellicle songs for jellicle cats!

I’m going to go ahead and say it: everything bad can be improved by the addition of cat costumes.

30 Rock 3.11 “St. Valentine’s Day”

In case you were unaware, this Saturday is Valentine’s Day, a holiday Jack Donaghy would approve of in that it has no value other than to make people buy expensive gifts, fill restaurants to capacity and substitute a commodified idea of “love” for actual love. Or is it? Elisa doesn’t seem to think so, insisting that she and Jack to go church for Saint Valentine’s Day before they do any of the things he wants to do, like going to Plunder, New York’s most opulent restaurant, and having a fine meal, capped off with the most expensive dessert in the world (all I remember is that its topped with edible 24 karat gold) and then to go home and have naughty playtime with Elisa’s giant breasts.

“You’re not one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday?” –Elisa

Meanwhile, Liz inadvertently makes Valentine’s Day her first date with Dr. Drew Baird. (He would have liked to take her out on Friday the 13th, but, you know, she’s got that stupid show . . . thing.) When she brings this up with Jack, he suggests that she avoid the V-Day awkwardness of restaurants filled with couples in love and rings hidden in pastries by having a nice dinner at home. (“Nice . . . you mean, like stew?”) Likewise, Liz suggests that Jack go to church with Elisa and then go out to Plunder so that they can both have their idea of a good Valentine’s Day.

At Liz’s house, she makes a nice stew for Jon Hamm (her secret? replace all the water with cheddar cheese), but then things start to go horribly awry as Liz’s boob falls out of her shirt and a loose door hinge combined with an open window cause him to accidentally see her peeing. Ever the gentlemen, Drew assures Liz that these things are fine with him, as he is a doctor, after all, but she starts to freak out because these are things that shouldn’t happen until the fourth date, or, like, ever, in the case of peeing. Drew suggests that they embrace this accelerated relationship and take it as a sign that if they get through all of these things in one night, then they can definitely make it as a couple. And it’s a good thing he made that call, actually, considering that his ex-wife decided to drop his adolescent daughter, Bethany, off at his place without any warning and he gets a call from his sister about his ailing mother, who is so unwell that she’s to the point where she could go at any moment. Liz is a trouper through all of this, taking the fall for Bethany’s drinking and escorting Drew to the hospital to see his mother. Liz even gets pulled further into the madness when Drew’s mom takes her aside and tells her that she doesn’t want to die without telling someone that she’s actually Drew’s grandmother and that his sister is actually his mother – you know, a total Bobby Darin situation. And then she dies. All of this has been a lot of Drew to bear, but he thanks Liz for being there throughout it, which bodes well for at least one more Jon Hamm-iriffic episode.

Even will everything that happened, Liz’s plot was pretty tame, though sweet, and all the craziness I’ve come to love about this show pour itself into Jack and Elisa’s church date. Throughout the mass, Jack can’t take his mind off eating that expensive and opulent dessert, secretly making a call to Jonathan while uttering the Lord’s prayer, which was hilarious to me, but irritating to Elisa. By the time the priest starts blessing all the pregnant women at the mass (the first three of which are all named Alvarez), Jack begs Elisa to leave so they won’t be late for their very-hard-to-get reservation. She agrees, but insists that Jack goes to confession first. He obliges, but asks the priest to merely keep him in the confessional for three minutes, after which time he will be set free and will go on to eat the most expensive dessert in the world and fondle Elisa’s breasts, but then the priest convinces Jack to discuss why capitalism is his god, launching Jack headfirst into a screed of his misdeeds, not the least of which was running his mother over with a car, maybe on purpose. The priest is terrified by Jack and flees the confessional. Elisa sees this and is enraged, thinking Jack purposely tormented the priest because he’s a godless asshole. She takes it as a sign from God that they shouldn’t be together and storms away, telling Jack that he will never again touch her breasts or get to see the crazy “underwears” she has on.

Jack goes on to eat his expensive dessert alone, which is sad because it just doesn’t taste as good without Elisa around. Heartbroken, he heads over to McDonald’s and orders himself a McFlurry, only to hear her pop up in line behind him and order the same thing. She found another sign while praying at church: a sign that told her she and Jack should be together, eating McFlurries, the world’s greatest dessert.

Elisa: Someone’s trying to bring us together. Maybe it’s God.
Jack: Maybe it’s Ray Kroch.
Elisa: Maybe it’s the Hamburglar.

And there’s a third romance, even, in this very sweet episode: Kenneth suddenly becomes smitten with the hot blind girl who now works at TGS, but he can’t seem to find the ability to talk to her (maybe he shouldn’t have had that mouth on his back sewn up?). Seeing how sexy “Ms. Magoo” is, Tracy steps in and plays Magical Negro Cyrano De Bergerac for Kenneth, speaking in an oddly high voice and helping him woo Jennifer by taking her for a “limo ride” around Manhattan and setting up dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in New York . . . in other words, Grizz and DotCom making the 30 Rock soundstage into a restaurant through clever use of auditory props. I really loved this tongue-in-cheek version of a “blind date” (it works on two levels!) and Tracy’s performance throughout. At the date’s end, though, Kenneth confesses that Tracy has been helping him the whole time and Jennifer is suddenly put off by the fact that Kenneth now sounds white. She still thinks, though, that they might have a chance at love, and so she asks to feel Kenneth’s face . . . after which she realizes that she’s way too hot for him and leaves.

Not the funniest episode, but very sweet and just madcap enough.

Some good quotes:

  • “This just feels right, and my instincts have never let me down. Except for looking at that eclipse.” – Jennifer “Sexy Ms. Magoo” Rogers
  • “How dare you say that in front of Santa Lucia, the patron saint of all judgmental statues!” – Elisa

The Wife:

What is Nip/Tuck if not a show about literal and metaphorical dick-sucking? And by dick-sucking, I mean auto-erotica, self-love, even vanity. A plastic surgery clinic is the perfect place to explore the conceit of self-love, as Sean and Christian have basically made a living putting collagen and fake breasts into women who can only love themselves if their bodies look a certain way. They encourage people to love themselves, even if that love is only self-serving and temporary . . . like sucking your own dick.

Okay, I don’t know if that metaphor is entirely exacting, but I’m going to roll with it, as the Patient of the Week, Manny Skerritt, was a yogi who could literally suck his own dick, a man whose plight yielded some really funny lines, but also served as the organizing metaphor for this episode. Manny is not only extremely flexible, but also well-endowed. In his own words:

“I’ve got a tyrannosaurus prick.”

Once he discovered the ability to self-fellate, the obsession to do so consumed his entire life. He no longer leaves the house, holds down a job or has real relationships:

“No, I mean I spend all day in my apartment with my penis in my mouth . . . I can’t hold down a job, and forget relationships because no one can get me off as good as I can.”

While Manny sucks his own dick in a very literal sense, Kimber does so by pimping her darling little Jenna out to creepy baby modeling agencies under the tutelage of mega-managers The Steves, who turn babies into stars by asking their mommies to correct their children’s slightest imperfections with restalyn, collagen and botox – a premise so utterly absurd that the metaphor for dick-sucking here is obvious. For many, their self-worth is defined by the success of their children, so having a gorgeous, money-making baby inflates her sense of success and self-worth. She’s only valuable if the fruit of her lions is valuable; as Jenna is a continuation of the being known as Kimber. And, naturally, in the ultimate display of self-fellating, Kimber chooses to dress baby Jenna up as her mini-me. So Kimber, being told that Jenna won’t make the big bucks unless her “thin, villainous lips” (inherited from Julia) are corrected, asks Christian to give his granddaughter a little collagen plumper.

Christian clearly refuses to do this, because he may be a bastard, but he’s not so unethical that he would perform an elective cosmetic procedure on an 18-month-old child. Sean urges Christian to meet with The Steves to find out what doctors they use so that those baby-injecting freaks can be put out of business, but when he meets them, he grows weary of their “lazy” managerial style and announces that from now on, he will be baby Jenna’s manager.

Yet more dick-sucking occurs when former Hearts & Scalpels star Aidan Stone returns with a script called “Deadly Tightrope: The Sean McNamara Story,” which he intends to produce, direct and star in if Sean will sell him the rights to his life story. This is dick-sucking for Sean, yes, but more so for Aidan, who desperately needs to stage a comeback after being fired from Hearts & Scalpels (and replaced with Sean) when he made a sex tape with underaged Eden Lord in his trailer. He needs this project. People keep replacing him with Ricky Schroeder.

“This is my Dances With Wolves, man!” – Aidan

Aidan has everything in place already: Morgan Fairchild wants to star as Colleen Rose and Lifetime wants to produce the script as a TV movie, but Sean is not happy with certain changes in the script. Though it’s hilarious to see Bradley Cooper in bed with Morgan Fairchild-as-Sharon Gless, Sean never slept with Colleen. Sean’s not a spy. And Colleen didn’t kill Christian (who in the movie, Aidan intended to cast as far less attractive than Sean, possibly a little pudgy and balding).

Sean: You killed Christian?

Aidan: I didn’t know what to do with his character anymore.

(Honestly, I think that last statement is the exact attitude the writers took when they killed off Olivia, a fact that still hasn’t been dealt with, despite the need to detail it in the 3-minute long recap at the top of this episode!)

(Husband Note: My best explanation? The fact that Portia de Rossi is now on ABC’s mid-season replacement Better Off Ted.)

In a final plot point for this episode, Sean asks Christian to let him take over the hiring of Liz’s replacement, fearing Christian will only pick someone who has big tits and, lo and behold, give blowjobs freely. Sean, however, ends up hiring Dr. Teddy Rowe (Katee “Starbuck” Sackhoff), a super-fine bad girl who rides Harleys, lives fast and plans to die young, but still finished first in her class at UCLA. Teddy (a name that calls to mind Colleen’s human bear stuffing, I think) doesn’t care much for rules and this carefree attitude resonates with Sean’s id, causing him to do some very self-gratifying acts . . . like taking a picture next to Manny Skerritt’s superdick, and potentially fucking over the entire practice in so doing.

I think there’s a part of Sean that can only love himself when women define the kind of man he should be. Just as Colleen, his freaky stalker-agent-nonlover, fed Sean’s considerable prickish ego by telling him he was God’s gift to television soap operas and plastic surgery, Teddy appeals to the part of Sean that wants to feel that special about himself all the time. She brings out the dick in him, that’s for sure.

After refusing Aidan’s offer, Aidan drops by to talk to the recently size-reduced Manny Skerritt and tells him that he saw Sean and Teddy take a photo of the anesthetized man’s dick. He suggests that Manny sue, and offers to hook him up with a good lawyer, if Manny can show him how to literally suck his own dick. (You know, just in case that vanity project doesn’t work out.)

Look, I'm just not that into you, okay? I'd rather suck my own dick, thanks.

Look, I'm just not that into you, okay? I'd rather suck my own dick, thanks.

Christian, fresh off several baby modeling rejections because of those “thin, villainous lips,” is almost ready to save baby Jenna’s already flagging career by plumping her baby pout to the size of Angelina Jolie’s, but just as he draws the needle toward his granddaughter’s face, he can’t bring himself to give her the injection. He walks out, but unfortunately leaves the needle in plain view of crazy-ass Kimber, who doesn’t hesitate for a second to stuff her baby’s lips full of that oh-so-natural collagen filler, thus reuniting her with The Steves and her “career,” which, let’s face it, will probably be over by the time she learns to talk. (Although, she’s a meth baby, so that could be a little bit.)

There really is something wrong with the world when your career as a baby model is over simply because your thin lips somehow detract from your allover cuteness. I mean, I was a former pageant kid, and even I am freaked out by a certain pageant-loving mom I saw on an episode of Wife Swap who puts her daughter, Baby Kayla, through manicures, pedicures and, yes, even hair bleaching just so her daughter will conform to standards of beauty established by pageant judges. The manicures and pedicures are weird, yes, but not harmful, unlike baby hair-bleaching, which I think is probably just as bad for your child as baby collagen injections. I guess we really do live in a world with no innocence, if self-fellating is necessary for babies, too.

Christian is completely incensed to hear about Manny’s lawsuit threat and he tries to fire Teddy, but she suggests that McNamara/Troy simply offer Manny an out-of-court payout to drop the suit and tells Christian that she deleted all the evidence from her digital camera. Had Aidan not intervened, there should have been no harm, no foul. This pisses off Christian, and he refuses to talk to Sean back at their shared apartment . . . until Matt bursts in and randomly stabs his biological dad with a sterile hypodermic needle. Matty accuses Christian of injecting baby Jenna with collagen, which he vehemently denies. The three McNamara/Troy men huddle around a conference call with Kimber, who is already reaping the benefits of being Baby Burburry’s mommy by spending her daughter’s hard-earned money. Kimber tells them that she gave Jenna the injections because Christian was too chicken to do it and that she’ll take the fall for it, saving the practice from any implications of misconduct. This conversation leads to a couple of choice lines from Matt:

“Kimber, alleycats who dump their litters in gutters make better mothers than you.”

And, to Christian:

“I’m sorry I stabbed you.”

Back at the office, Teddy goads Sean into taking Aidan’s $350K life-rights offer, convincing him that the money will give him the ability to move out of Christian’s apartment, get his own place and do a bunch of really fun things that he’s always wanted to do but never had the money to do. And then she totally puts the moves on him.

Aidan later turns up at McNamara/Troy with a broken neck, which he claims is because of a car accident he and Patrick Dempsey (Patty Demps, as he calls him) sustained from hitting an ice patch on Sunset, but Christian is sure stems from a different source:

“You broke your neck trying to sick your dick, didn’t you?”

He asks them to cover the scars he’ll have on his forehead when his neckbrace is removed, and, while they’re at it, to add a couple of extra inches to his dick . . . so he won’t fall off his bed and break his neck again the next time he tries to suck it.

In surgery, Sean decides to snap a photo of Aidan’s penis, which Linda describes as being so small that it’s “like two blueberries and a cocktail weenie,” just in case he should need to blackmail Aidan about the script to “Deadly Tightrope: The Sean McNamara Story,” which he plans to further rewrite during his recovery time. We know he plans to take out the entire Julia plot, which makes me wonder: will Nip/Tuck follow suit and continue to ignore further developments in Julia’s storyline? I don’t know how I’d feel about that.

After his foray into blackmail, Sean and Teddy ride off on her hog into the hills of Los Angeles, whereas Christian returns to help an incompetent Kimber even out the filler in his granddaughter’s lips, an act he doesn’t feel good about, which is beautifully underscored by some dissonant xylophone and piano music that served to make the whole baby Jenna storyline very creepy.

This was certainly not one of Nip/Tuck’s deepest or creepiest episodes, but it was in form as one of the funniest this season. I was into it, and I honestly doubt I’ll ever be able to use the phrase “dick-sucking” in an article so many times ever again.

The Wife:

In the same vane of Sarah’s recent back story episode in “Chuck vs. the Cougar,” we finally got to learn a little bit about the cold, ferocious bear of a man we’ve come to know and love as Jayne Cobb John Casey. Back in 1994, Casey was trained in the ways of martial arts by Sensei Ty Bennett, who told a younger, goateed Casey that he was not centered enough to be a good fighter. In the present, Assistant Store Manager Emmett Milbarge wants Casey to fracture his calm center with a smile in order to improve customer service. We all know how scary it is when Casey smiles.

The General assigns Chuck, Casey and Sarah to go to Space Camp, “where all the cool kids go,” to prevent the theft of a specialized guidance system. Chuck is ordered to stay in the van in case he flashes on anything, due to his extreme emotional involvement with his last case. Casey and Sarah, dressed as a sexy scientist, infiltrate the lab but are ambushed by white ninjas, the leader of which just happens to be Sensei Bennett. Chuck flashes on the good sensei and the General later informs them that Bennett has been recruiting his old students to help him in his devious plans to steal scientific articles of interest and sell them to the wrong people. In this case, to sell the guidance system to missile producers. Sarah and Casey are sent to stop the exchange from happening, and Casey gets Chuck to sit this mission out so that he can face his old master alone.

As such, Chuck then gets wrangled into Emmett’s scheme to improve Buy More customer service by instituting an Employee of the Month contest (one that doesn’t involve Dane Cook or Jessica Simpson, fortunately). Morgan rallies the other Buymorians against said contest by instituting a side bet to see who can get the lowest comment card scores. Sarah and Casey learn that the drop is a set-up when they’re witness to an explosion, and Chuck gleans this information when the Sensei wanders in to the Buy More, looking for Casey. Chuck calls Casey immediately to let him know. Looking for answers, the Sensei moves on to ask Morgan where Casey is. Committed to his low customer service mission, Morgan refuses to comply, which infuriates the Sensei. Chuck decides to tail the Sensei out of the store against Casey’s wishes and gets caught and locked in the trunk of Bennett’s car. Casey is all too ready to potentially kill Bennett and himself and Sarah by ramming his car directly into Bennett’s, but veers away when Sarah realizes the GPS signal from Chuck’s watch is coming from inside the car. While Sarah rescues Chuck, Bennett asks Casey to be his student again, which Casey vehemently refuses on the grounds that he is not a traitor. Bennett then escapes from the rooftop, which the General assumes is because of Casey’s past with the suspect, and so she throws him off the case.

Oddly, Morgan Fairchilds biking outfit reminds me of her Old Navy commercials.

Oddly, Morgan Fairchild's biking outfit reminds me of her Old Navy commercials.

Meanwhile, the Awesomes have descended upon the Bartowski house and they’re taking over Ellie’s wedding. They mean well, of course, helping poor orphaned Ellie plan all the details with the help of a scrapbook of dresses that her cut-out head would look nice on and a trip to the Buy More to register in-store for electronics, which Morgan, Jeff and Lester take as a way to remedy the threat Emmett has made against their low scores (the lowest scoring employee, they soon find out, has to close every Saturday night for a month. Sarah and Chuck are requested at the Awesome-sponsored catering tasting dinner that evening, which Chuck ultimately has to miss when Casey calls him over to the Castle in order to use him to divert the security system and escape to fight the Sensei on his own, chaining Chuck up in the Orange Orange in order to keep him from alerting Sarah of Casey’s whereabouts.

At dinner, Sarah makes excuses for Chuck’s absence from the dinner and has to witness Ellie freak out about the Awesome’s micromanagement of her wedding when Woody suggests that he would be happy to walk Ellie down the aisle in her father’s stead. At the Orange Orange, Chuck is finally able to MacGuyver his way out of his chains and call Sarah, letting her know that Casey is headed to a dojo on Mulholland to try and stop Bennett. Sarah races out of dinner and stops Casey before he is about to do something totally stupid, and agrees to help him on his quest. Chuck gets there before they are able to break in, and when they do, they see that he has already been captured. Casey challenges his Sensei to a no-weapons fight, which he calls a true display of honor. After Chuck and Sarah watch Casey get the shit beat out of him for a few rounds, Chuck calls Casey aside and riles him up to “unleash the Casey” on Bennett. Knowing that Casey constantly struggles to be calm, Chuck intentionally provokes Casey, believing that his unbridled rage will make him a better fighter. It does, and Casey knocks out his former master just as Sarah’s scheduled back-up arrives.

In Buymoria, Napoleon Dynamite-esque employee Skip wins Employee of the Month, along with a giant plasma screen TV. Upon seeing how great the one-time prize was, Morgan and Co. recant their former sentiments that the contest is indeed lame and bogus and they will never work hard again.

At Casa Bartowski, Chuck returns home to apologize to his sister for missing her dinner. She informs him that the Awesomes have left town and that the only thing she ever really wanted for her wedding day was to have her father walk her down the aisle, which she can’t do because Papa Bartowski has been missing from their lives for years. Chuck tries to call an old number from a birthday card, hoping to reach their father, but gets nothing. In the end, he assures his sister that he will do everything in his power to get their father to be at her wedding.

I can only hope that the reason Papa Bartowski left his family was because he was involved in some secret government shit and had to go into hiding, or was spirited away by the witness protection program and that Chuck can use his CIA connections to make an actual improvement to the lives of those he loves.

None of the plots in this episode really worked for me, especially the odd attempt to fuse the Ellie plot with the Buy More plot – do people actually register in-store anymore? But I did like what the main plot and the Ellie plot did to enhance and inform the characters of John Casey and Ellie Bartowski. For the first time, I really get why Casey is so volatile, a fact which I had previously just accepted, and I really get why Ellie can be so whiny sometimes and so fiercely loyal to her brother. She’s practically raised Chuck, and never has any time for her own life, either in caring for Chuck or by being controlled (slightly) by Awesome and (not so slightly) by his overbearing family.

Im just posting this so that we can all marvel at Ryan McPartlins abs. Betty Draper tapped that shit in a mens room, yo.

I'm just posting this so that we can all marvel at Ryan McPartlin's abs. Betty Draper tapped that shit in a men's room, yo.

I also enjoyed seeing Adam Baldwin in a ghi, which for some reason reminded me of My Bodyguard. You know what I didn’t enjoy? Another Anna-less episode. Where the fuck is she? Did we have to lose her in order to have Jordana Brewster and Morgan Fairchild on the show? Can this show only employ a certain number of women each week? The Buy More is really missing something without her.

The Husband:

I don’t have much to say about the episode, but I will note that extremely nerdy viewers may have noticed that the final battle between Casey and Bennett was a direct take-off of the final Okinawa battle in The Karate Kid, Part II, right down to the exact moment Casey gets a bloody nose. If you haven’t already, I cannot recommend enough that you go out and watch both The Karate Kid and The Karate Kid, Part II, both great movies in their own right, while the third one is just a guilty pleasure. (You’d do well to skip The Next Karate Kid starring a pre-two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank, though.)