The Husband:

I think the New York Times said it better than I ever could. (That’s why they’re the New York Times and I’m not.)


“It’s possible that American Idol viewers’ selection of Kris Allen over Adam Lambert says something about the mood and mores of the country, that viewers are too conformist to anoint a sassy, androgynous individualist. Then again, maybe not: Mr. Allen’s victory may merely reflect the voters’ conventional taste in pop music…Mr. Allen never fell out of character as the humble, earnest country boy from Arkansas.”


Oh, and besides Jordin Sparks (who is still from a Red State in the West), every single Idol winner has been from the South. It’s a hard trend to beak.

I don’t hate Kris Allen. If you’ve been following the show along with us, you know that I grew to love him. But I can’t say that I wasn’t disappointed at the outcome. But the above quote shows that there were a lot of reasons Kris won, and some are more valid than others.

A formidble set of opponents.

A formidble set of opponents.

Personally, I think it comes down to more how Adam lost than Kris won. At the beginning of the Top 12/13, I don’t think anyone thought Kris would ever beat Adam, so here are a few items of interest.

Adam became too safe of a choice:

Yes, the wildly flamboyant and sexual Adam was actually too safe of a choice, the complete opposite of what a lot of people may cry about today, that America was being homophobic. (I think that while some Kris voting may be due to this very thing, it will turn out to be a minor blip on the bigger scale.) The bigger problem, and this was way more subconscious, is that everybody assumed Adam was going to win. Simon went on Ellen and said so. Entertainment Weekly did a friggin’ cover story on him most of the way through the competition. The judges kept on praising him until it felt like the end was preordained. Everybody said the same thing. And Adam, well, he did stop surprising us right around disco week. He was consistently passionate and bombastic, a competent performer. And he was humble about it. But after a while we could already imagine the song before he sang it. Which is a great trait, but not for the attention-craving America. America wants to reward the underdog, to keep things interesting, and Adam stopped being dangerous. He stopped reaching for the “holy shit” factor.

Adam was not Danny:

Last week, we already saw that Adam had lost his considerable lead over the rest of the competition when we were told that only one million votes separated first place and second place, while the remainder was lost on a losing Danny Gokey. But where did Danny’s votes go this week? They went to the other good ol’ American boy, Kris. And that pulled Kris ahead. If we’re going by DialIdol, Kris did not beat Adam by very much, so I’m surprised that some of Danny’s votes may have actually worked their way into Adam’s number — perhaps those who liked Danny for his voice and didn’t give a shit about his story or spirituality, but at the same time were originally afraid to vote for Adam — but I’m willing to bet that the majority of them went to Kris or disappeared outright. Kris was more Danny than Adam could ever be, whatever that may mean to you.

Adam strutted too much:

Yes, I actually believe that if Adam had performed “Mad World” like he did originally, sitting down and letting the music and his spoke speak for themselves, instead of descending a staircase into way too much fake fog, he could have won. He definitely could have gotten Simon to agree that he won all three rounds on Tuesday instead of merely two, but he had to indulge in his theatricality. Which is fine. But I think it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, just like he got into the Bottom Two for performing “Feeling Good” in roughly the same way. But this is saying that his performance tactics are bad. No, they’re not. They’re fucking great. But not everybody is like me, and, for some indiscernible reason, there will still be millions of people out there who outright hate musicals and drama. (Then why are they watching television? I’ll never understand it.)

But let’s get down to the bottom of this: Adam is a much better singer than Kris will ever be. You know this to be true. He was damn near perfect. Oh, and that scream you Adam haters consistently complain about like a broken record? That is a perfect rock wail, a glorious sound you can find in all of the best rock ‘n roll music for the last 50 years. A release of sheer force, emotion and performance. All your complaints really tell me is that you don’t listen to rock music, and you wouldn’t know a good rock singer if it kicked you in the nuts and spit whiskey and glitter in your eye.

But Kris is good, and he’ll make a good album for 19 Entertainment. As I said, “his is the face that launched a thousand glittery posters taped to a teenage girl’s walls and ceiling, right next to her dolphin art.” He has a long career ahead of him.

And not to sound like I’m justifying a loss or acting like the battered wife/husband, but Adam losing might be the best thing to happen to him. As I was fine with the competition going either way (with me, of course, leaning toward an Adam win), I considered Adam’s future, and while he is still to cut an album for 19 Entertainment, he will be free of much of the Idol machine that tends to crush people. He has a better chance of making the album that he wants to make (for one, without Kara’s crappy song), he can more easily pursue acting on stage and screen if that is what he so chooses, and he can be a music star and not have to live up to or live down the label of being an American Idol, a label that often turns a lot of people off in the actual real world. And yes, I think if they make a movie version of Wicked, they’d be insane not to cast him as Fiyero. Some have said he would overdo the role. 1.) From the clips of him understudying as Fiyero, he does it just fine, thank you. 2.) If he does overdo it, it’ll definitely help define a horribly underwritten character in an overrated musical. He could potentially save the entire second half of the story.

I think that’s about it. What other stuff can I say to wrap this up?

Had Allison been in the Top 3 instead of Danny, perhaps Adam may have had a chance to grab her votes and win in the finale had she been voted out. The number of votes that would have gone to her despite her losing would have been far greater than her Top 4 votes, which in turn got Danny out in the actual Top 3.

I think Kara is a great judge and should stick around. She is the only one besides Simon who gives actual friggin’ advice to the contestants, advice that is mostly useful, instead of just being judgmental. She knows what she’s talking about, and I don’t know how that strikes most of you out there as “annoying.”

This is without much hindsight, but I think the finale was definitely one of the best they’ve ever had. And yes, they have done awards in the past. If you thought this was new, either you haven’t watched the show for too long, or you’re an idiot. But I will leave most of the finale talk to my wife. But I do have something to say to the Black Eyed Peas. If you guys really have that “future sound” and are “so 3008,” then why does your #1 hit single sound like techno music from 15 years ago?

I am, above all else, extremely grateful that the top two contestants were exciting, interesting, evocative and [mostly] original. It’s tough to get that on Idol, so despite my misgivings with the results, glad that this show can still surprise me. This was one of the best top 12/13s in the show’s history, with far more talented individuals holding on and only a few non-talented ones eking by. It’s nice to be able to pick on a singer for subtleties instead of just simply declaring that they’re bad, and sparking discussion, even on a show as cookie-cutter as this, is never bad.

And now, it’s time for So You Think You Can Dance, which is, in a lot of ways, a better overall show than American Idol. But if FOX’s decision to also create a fall version of the show right after this summer season ends up overplaying and killing the entire program, I’m going to be pissed.

The Wife:

I’m going to summarize my feelings about Adam Lambert’s strange un-victory per a text message I sent to my friend Magen last night after she had long since gone to bed over in DC:


“Fsdfhsdfgsdfshvgyugsdufh! I die. That outfit was bananas! I was clearly not mature enough to handle that fantasy duet between Adam and KISS because all I did was squee and figdet and wonder where the hell those epaulettes and those fucking boots came from. This was a great finale. KISS. Queen. Allison and Cyndi lauper. Amazing. Even though Adam didn’t win, I cannot wait to buy tickets on his first tour. He is now free to make the gayest, rockingest record ever, and no one will stop him. Glambert saved. Stevecrest out.”


As my husband mentioned above, I think Adam is better off without the Idol win, although I’d have liked him to have it because, well, I love him. He and Kris will both sell records and will both have long careers, and I can have no ill-will toward someone like Kris who is so humble that he conceded to America that he thought his competitor deserved the win more than he did. Both men are winners in my book, really. So now, let me talk about how thoroughly pleased I was with the finale, despite an outcome that didn’t actually go my way.

Idol Awards

First of all, I came late into the Idol game, having only watched since season 6, so the Idol awards were odd to me, but I actually found them pretty enjoyable over all. I never thought I’d be so happy to see Norman Gentle aka Nick Mitchell, and while I hated the idea of him being on Idol, he is funny. And weird. And I’d definitely see his cabaret show, so I’m glad to be reminded of why he’s likeable. I was not happy to see Bikini Girl, especially because she’s so tan now that she looks like she’s been living in South Florida since she was 22 and is now 60. Someone needs to give her the message that pale is the new tan . . . and someone kind of did, actually. Kara. Although I’m bothered by Kara’s pop culture solipcisms, I like her as a judge, and now I like her even more as a singer. Bikini Girl cannot sing at all by comparison and I now know that Kara also looks better in a bikini than bikini girl. She has some damn hard abs, that Kara DioGuardi. I would not be surprised if Bikini Girl has either tried to kill herself or developed an eating disorder after being upstaged by a woman in her 30s who sings better and has a nicer body than she does. As for Tatiana Del Toro . . . I do not know if that was real or not and I don’t care because watching security guards chase that crazy bitch around the stage was funny as hell!

I mean, really, Bikini Girl got nothing on this.

I mean, really, Bikini Girl got nothing on this.

Fantasy Duets!

  • I love that Allison Iraheta got to sing one of my favorite songs ever, “Time After Time,” with Cyndi Lauper. I also love that Cyndi plays the dulcimer. She just gets more amazing every damn day.
  • Kris Allen and Keith Urban are very similar in that they both have scruffy facial hair, play guitar, have a country twang and have blonde wives. I liked this duet because it proved that Kris Allen can easily transition into a country-rock artist if he ever wanted to.
  • Kris + Adam + Surviving Members of Queen = truly spectacular way to end the show. This is the point where I kind of stopped caring which one of them won because I saw that they had such an amazing camraderie while singing “We Are the Champions.” It was clear to me that these guys were having the fucking time of their lives, and that’s exactly what I want to see on Idol. Plus, I enjoyed watching Adam touch the guitarist several times during the performance, as though he couldn’t believe he was singing with fucking Queen. That’s probably what I would have done if I were singing with Cyndi Lauper.
  • But, of course, there was no greater fantasy duet (although, really, not a duet) than Adam Lambert in his King Henry VIII-from-Space outfit with the blinged out epaulettes and the giant gold platform boots he clearly borrowed from Gene Simmons’ closet singing with KISS. Magen was right; I straight up died. I mean, this performance was just the cat’s fucking pajamas for me. I had to cover half my face with a blanket because I was so excited that it was incredibly difficult to not ruin the whole performance with squeals of joy. I don’t even like KISS all that much, but Adam singing with KISS I FUCKING ADORED. I mean, this was a perfect moment for him and he performed the hell out of it, as he does with everything. If I had to pick a favorite moment from this performance, though, it would be when he delicately raised his eyebrow in innuendo when he sang the line “Me and the boys will be playing all night.” Oh, I know, honey. And I wouldn’t have you any other way.
Other performances:
  • At first, I hated the fact that the whole American Idol gang was going to sing Pink’s “So What?” as I adore Pink and never want to hear her stuff sung by anyone else, but I think this was one group number that worked really well. It had a ton of energy and everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun.
  • I do not dislike Megan Joy, but she was kind of very not good in her duet with Michael Sarver over Steve Martin’s banjo music. Moreover, while I’m sure Steve was happy to be there, I don’t think he was happy to hear “Pretty Flowers” sung the way those two completely oversang it. My fantasy duet for that song? Dolly Parton and Anoop Desai.
  • Speaking of Anoop, I loved that he and Alexis Grace got to do Jason Mraz right by singing the intro solos to “I’m Yours.” That said, this group performance of the song with Mraz was way better than when one third of the Top 36 tried to sing it back when there was a Top 36.
  • Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah? Strangely disappointing. Although I should note that during this number, I sang a bit of “When You’re Good to Mama” from Chicago to my cat. And I changed the words to be about my cat. That’s how uninteresting this number was.
  • The minute Fergie came on, I screamed, “SING ‘BE ITALIAN’!” because she’s playing Sereghina the Whore in Rob Marshall’s adaptation of Nine and I all kinds of love her super minor-keyed version of a song that, in the stage show, is very bright and somehow not about molestation at all. Here’s the Nine trailer, so you can hear it and be just as excited as I am:
  • But once the Black Eyed Peas came on, I became very frightened of their strange cybertronic zebra dancers. Why were they putting their feet in will.i.am’s crotch? Not okay! (I bet that was choreographed by Shane Sparks, though.)
Fashion notes!
  • I’ve already talked about Adam’s KISS outfit, but in case you didn’t catch it, I fucking loved it. I die. I channel Rachel Zoe and I die.
  • Alexis Grace got to wear two pairs of very sexy over-the-knee boots. She is one hot mama.
  • Another hot mama? Adam Lambert’s mom, who gets a million extra cuteness points for wearing armwarmers!
  • I was very embarassed for Megan Joy’s pink hot shorts during “Glamorous.”
  • Oh, Lil Rounds. No one knows how to dress you. That top with the strange leaf-like skirt just accentuated your huge booty, and not in a good way. I do not understand why everyone is just a step away from making you into Josephine Baker, as you’ll never, ever be as good of a performer as she was.
  • Allison looked amazing tonight. Staight up.
  • I like that Anoop went for a seersucker jacket as if to say, “I’m from the South and you will all deal with my desire to drink sweet tea from a mason jar, bitches! Get me a fucking mint julep!”
  • Janice Dickinson was totally trashed throughout this whole show, or at least she looked that way.
  • I want my legs to be as shiny and toned as Fergie’s.
  • Matt Giraud looked his best during his Santana number. I think Abuelito shirts are really a good look for him, and they work with his obsession with cubano fedoras.
  • It was very bold of Rod Stewart to pair the Coach leather that is his skin with that faux Burbury jacket.
All of that stuff ads up to a wonderful two hours of television. I’ve been saying it all season, but I’ll reiterate: I can’t wait to see Adam Lambert on Broadway someday. If Constantine Maroulis can get nominated for a Tony for Rock of Ages (and let me say that I saw him in Rent pre-Idol, and while I thought he was the most Roger-looking Roger I’ve ever seen, he certainly wasn’t the best), surely Adam Lambert will one day win one. I will see him in anything. I will follow his ass around the country like my mother-in-law does with Clay Aiken because while he may not be the American Idol, he is my American Idol.


The Husband:

The Simpsons 20.13 “Gone Maggie Gone”

The Simpsons decided to go into full-length-episode movie reference mode this week and ended up with a neatly plotted but somewhat empty episode. Combining the similar nuttiness one would find in movies such as National Treasure and The Da Vinci Code (and, of course, the book of the latter, which is pretty much just the movie but without Tom Hanks’ hairdo), it lead Lisa on a quest to find Maggie, who through a series of circumstances disappeared at a Catholic church. (Never mind the title being a reference to the Dennis Lehane novel and film Gone Baby Gone, which, aside from having a missing child, had nothing to do with the episode.

But how did Maggie get there? Well, Marge looked at an eclipse head-on instead of through a camera obscura and temporarily blinded herself, and so she has to be bandaged up for two weeks. The rest of the family have to do all her chores for her, but when the kitchen is overrun with rats (with a momentary Ratatouille cooking sequence), Homer goes to buy some poison, bringing Maggie and Santa’s Little Helper along with him. But driving back home, the dog and the baby begin fighting over a Life In Hell doll and some candy-colored poison (“What is it with kids and candy-colored poison?”) made Homer crash his car off of a bridge. As the car flies through the air into certain doom…

“Why did I bring a baby and a dog to the poison stooooooooooooooore?!” — Homer

Landing on solid ground, Homer tries to get himself, Maggie and the dog across a body of water, but there’s only enough room in an abandoned boat to bring two at a time, much like the common riddle with the fox, the hen and the chicken feed. In the distance, Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel is experiencing the same problem, until the fox eats the two other items.

“Well, the puzzle done puzzled itself out.” — Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel

When Maggie, during Homer’s solution of the riddle, ends up by herself in front of a church, she is picked up by a nun and brought inside.

Phew…so that’s why she’s there, and that was the funnier part of the episode.

Lisa, meanwhile, goes to find her, and discovers that she must go through a series of word problems and Rube Goldberg devices to find Maggie, all while unraveling the mystery of the “Gem,” an item that the nuns need to bring a new era of peace to the world. Lisa, through her own cunning as well as help from Skinner and Comic Book Guy, learns that she may, in fact, be the gem, and goes to the church to reveal herself. But she had misread a clue, an anagram that could have said either “Lisa” or “Maggie” depending on how you solved it, and finds that Maggie is the gem child. But as the sun hits Maggie and peace comes to Springfield, a blind Marge bursts into the church, having a mother’s instinct as to where her child is, and is unwilling to let her child be used as a spiritual conduit. She takes Maggie and the family home, leaving Bart there to be the gem child, but when the sun hits him, the walls begin melting and fire bursts from the walls.

I did not expect to write as much as I did on this episode, so I guess that’s a sign that I liked it more than originally reported. Yes, I liked the story just fine, but the humor, the actual laugh-out-loud humor, was all in the first act, and as I’m not the biggest fan of either National Treasure or The Da Vinci Code (I’m kind of morally opposed to non-children’s books that have five-page chapters), the rest of the episode was just one extended gag, clever but tedious.

Other funny bits from the episode:

  • The mocking of Ed Begley, Jr.’s environmentalism, despite the fact that I agree with everything he stands for
  • “Wolves are taking all our women!” — Homer’s reaction to a Tex Avery cartoon
  • “I’m not an albino. I just use a lot of sunblock.” — Smithers

King Of The Hill 13.12 “Uncool Customer”

Peggy, upon visiting a music store desiring a cassette of the new Michael Bublé album, discovers that she hasn’t kept up with the cool trends for about 20 years now, and sets out to find a place in the new millennium. And what better place than with the hip, trendy mothers of the cotillion class Bobby convinced his parents he’d like to attend. And oh, are they trendy. They have names like Kat Savage, give their daughters hip boy names like Michael and frequent hidden wine bars that needs passwords. Much to her delight, they take a liking to Peggy.

“You’re fun. You say what you think. Like you’re already drinking.” – Kat

Soon, she is struggling to keep up with all the “cool things,” from purses to vacuum cleaners, while Bobby follows her around also trying to find out how to be cool, as he has a major crush on Kat’s daughter Michael. Soon, Bobby is doing the best he can to keep up with fashion statements, even though his baggy, sagging jean-phase is about ten years too late.

“How about you wear pants and I think of them as pants!” – Hank

When Peggy and Bobby are deemed worthy enough to attend Michael’s party, they show up looking like Kid ‘n Play, thus ruining the party. But when they happen upon Kat’s room, it seems like that of a crazy person, as she maps out her struggle to stay trendy above all else. Kat comes in and proclaims how difficult it is to keep up with the times (e.g. she visits 142 blogs a day) and how it completely wears her down.

“I’ve even done some streetfighting.” – Kat

Finally, she admits that she loves Peggy because of how uncool she is, which has in turn allowed Kat the ability to let loose of all her “coolness” and just be herself, which concludes with her watching shitty sitcoms with Peggy at Chez Hill.

I think Peggy cribbed this outfit from Tyra Banks, actually.

I think Peggy cribbed this outfit from Tyra Banks, actually.

Meanwhile, Hank doesn’t want anything to do with the cotillion (no surprise there), so he goes to see what’s up at the old polygamist compound that has now been turned into a restaurant. Turns out that the sandwiches are delicious, but the seating is community-style along very long benches.

“This table smells like a diaper, and this is still the best meal I’ve had in years.” – Hank

Hank tries to get over the seating arrangements, but he soon begins overhearing conversations that are simply TMI and none of his business. (This episode’s main example? Women talking about birth control.) When he brings the gang to the restaurant to indulge in their meatloaf sandwiches, they stake out a private four-top and rush to it in its tiny turnaround time.

“That pregnant woman was fast, but we wanted it more!” – Dale

Still, Hank can’t take this untraditional restaurant, and so he accepts the fact that it is not for him. However, the sandwiches are so good that he’s willing to take a hit in the wallet and pay somebody to bring him his sandwich.

I’m starting to really gravitate toward Peggy’s stories, perhaps as I get older, as I can relate to them more than I could Bobby’s ten years ago. I’m nowhere near as culturally clueless as her, nor am I close to as old, but I appreciate her effort to be a better person, or at least a more outwardly cool person, which is pretty much a struggle for anybody. But as I am no longer of “party” age and I vastly prefer coming home after work and watch television to grabbing a beer at a noisy bar, I get it. Life gets in the way, and that may not be such a bad thing.

Family Guy 7.9 “The Juice Is Loose”

I can understand why the show decided to put a disclaimer at the beginning, claiming —true or false I am unsure — that this was a “lost episode” that took place in the fall of 2007, as the focus of the episode, O.J. Simpson, is now in jail for non-murder-related charges, but it really didn’t make this lame episode any funnier.

After Peter and his friends are left to look after the kids, they nearly destroy the house with a pillow fight-turned-fistfight while Stewie accidentally locks himself out on the roof. Peter distracts Lois and all of us with an extended rehash of the Conway Twitty joke from a few seasons ago (it was more strange than funny the first time ’round, so I felt pretty damn cheated by this 3-minute cutaway) to ease the tension on him. At the dinner table, he discovers an old winning sweepstakes ticket from decades earlier that entitles him to a round of golf with a celebrity, who just happens to be O.J. Simpson.

Despite protests from his family and friends, Peter decides to go through with the game of golf — it helps that he doesn’t even remember, you know, the Trial Of The 1990s — but soon becomes suspicious of O.J. and tries to get him to confess, going to the golf game wearing a wire. O.J. discovers the trick, though, but instead of killing Peter, he convinces him that he was innocent, and living the past 14 years of his life being thought a killer despite being acquitted has turned him into a lonely man.

Pete brings him back home to see his family and assures everybody that O.J. is a human being just like everybody else, but when the town of Quahog hears that an alleged murderer is in their midst, they form an angry mob and make way to Spooner Street. There, O.J. and Peter convince the mob that he is not a bad guy, and everybody apologizes and begins living in peace…

…Until O.J. stabs three townspeople and runs away.

So, an old joke that really doesn’t have any bite left and an unfunny three-minute cutaway? Not one of FG‘s brightest moments.

Some good bits, however:

  • The Robert Mitchum film Out-Of-Shape In-Shape Guy In The 50s
  • “We’ll stay in, pop some popcorn and watch Jimmy Kimmel try.” — Peter
  • “You know how much mustache cream costs?!”

American Dad 4.13 “Jack’s Back”

When Steve joyfully informs his father that he has signed them up for a father-son bike race, he learns Stan’s terrible secret — Stan doesn’t know how to ride a bike. (Stan has a lot of terrible secrets, doesn’t he?) As his criminal father was never around, he never learned any of the things a young son is to learn, including car mechanics.

“Now it’s making a black tinkle out of the hoozy-wuzza!” — Stan on an oil leak

This is okay, since Francine has her own things she simply cannot deal with (i.e. she doesn’t like spumoni, because while it’s ice cream, it sounds like pasta to her), but this doesn’t stop Steve from wanting to reunite his father with his own father. But after a bit of research, he finds out that Pappy Smith is in prison, trial is soon approaching, and he needs a good character witness. So Steve is allowed to bring Stan and the elder Smith camping, but Stan, never having been taught how to fish, begins shooting into the lake.

You're just mad because you can't ride a bike!

You're just mad because you can't ride a bike!

After a series of incidents, Steve discovers that Grandpa Smith really is a bad guy and not the misunderstood misanthrope Steve assumed he was, but he wants Steve to learn a good lesson and decides to turn himself into the court house and be slapped with a “guilty” verdict, all while Stan rethinks his own position on his father-son relationship and surprises himself by ferociously riding his bike across town to the tune of Queen’s “Bicycle.” (Any excuse to use this song is okay by me.) But Stan is too late, and his father goes off to jail once again.

In the extremely bizarre B-story, Roger lets Hayley intern at his bar in the attic, but the lazy Hayley doesn’t like doing any of the actual work. And so the two one-up each other with costumes and assumed personalities, being anyone from a labor board supervisor to members of the Armenian mob to a time-traveling half-cow-half-person from the future to finally each other, where Hayley finally “Duck Season/Wabbit Season” tricks Roger into signing her internship form. Hey, if Roger isn’t going to be in the A-story, I’m fine if all of his B-stories can be this strange and funny.

Funny stuff. A little lightweight. I’m still waiting for AD to get back its sharp satirical edge, but this was definitely an improvement over the last couple weeks.

Other funny!:

  • “I just Mr. Belvedered myself. Google it.” — Roger (To wit, Christopher Hewett, who played Mr. Belvedere on his eponymous show, had diabetes. Put two and two together.)
  • According to Steve, taking a #4 is two men taking a poop while holding hands
  • “I have to air it out at night or else I get eye mushrooms.” — Pappy Smith about his usually eyepatch-covered eye.