The Wife:

I present you with “9 Things About This Week’s 90210, Some of Which Are Clearly Stolen from Other Shows and Others of Which Were Clearly Not Thought About Beforehand.”

1. 90210 and Rebecca Rand Kirshner Sinclair, I am calling you on your bullshit. Please stop stealing plot threads from Brenda Hampton shows. This week’s episode opened with a fantasy sequence in which Navid and Adriana discuss the possible future life for her baby, with Navid as a surrogate dad. They imagine names and places they’ll live and how they’ll negotiate being about to finish high school and raise the baby, which of course hinges on the help of Navid’s parents. Navid has got to calm it the fuck down with the baby fever because on this show, he doesn’t seem sweet, he seems fucking crazy. I have to compare their relationship to Ben and Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager because a.) that show predates this one and b.) however silly SLOTAT may sometimes be, I have always, always found the relationship between Amy and Ben to be grounded and relatable. Ben’s desire to love Amy and help her raise her baby is founded in his own need to connect and love since the loss of his mother and he is utterly sincere in his pursuits, even though they may be naïve. But Navid doesn’t seem to recognize how naïve his suggestions are, and how insane his enthusiasm sounds. It’s making it easier and easier for me to conflate the terrorist Michael Steger played in the beginning of this season of Criminal Minds with Navid himself, and that’s really weird. (And yes, I thought of Shemar Moore chasing him to his death in a subway tunnel when he airplaned food into Baby Habib’s mouth. Because I’m a horrible person.) I buy Ben’s enthusiasm for Amy’s child, also, because his suggestions to help her care for it never seem like he’s forcing her to make decisions that he likes, but because Adriana just seems to go along with everything Navid says (why, I don’t know), there’s something significantly less grounded about their relationship because of her inability/refusal to think for herself and weigh her options. She totally just goes along with his whole “Let’s tell my parents your pregnant and we’ll get them to help care of the baby because we’re Persian and that’s what we do!” scenario without ever questioning it, and I can’t believe that’s a plausible reaction for a 16 year old pregnant girl to have.

2. And in regards to the aforementioned scene with Navid’s parents, it was actually pretty amusing to watch it play out exactly as he said it would (first shock and horror, then complete acceptance when he suggests they get a nanny because “family takes care of family”) . . . until, of course, he mentions that the baby isn’t his. At which point, his parents refuse to let him marry Adriana and raise that child in their home, which is a perfectly reasonable reaction when your son has gone crazy. Their explanation as to why Aid can’t become his wife sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and a very SLOTAT-ish warning. It doesn’t mean he can’t date Adriana and help her take care of her child, it just means that, at 16, it’s probably not a wise idea to legally tie yourself to a woman who is months away from birthing a child that isn’t yours. Being legally entrenched in that kind of situation is really difficult should any baby daddy drama arise. And Navid’s mom is also right about this: her son’s heart is in the right place. Because although I think he’s kind of nuts now, he is being very gallant. Good scene, 90210!

3. But, of course, Navid is actually crazy, and decides to propose to Aid anyway, turning his back on his family. Heeding Naomi’s advice, though, Adriana hesitates to accept the proposal with his pawn shop ring because she hasn’t told him who her child’s father actually is . . . which is a seriously good thing to know, considering potential baby daddy drama mentioned in my second point! And when she tells him it’s Ty Collins, well, he flips out. He leaves, and returns to yell at her, then leaves again, and returns again and so on to the point where his opening and closing the door was no longer dramatic but funny. If you want me to take them seriously, 90210, you need to treat it seriously. The door thing would have worked once or twice. But four or five times was too many. I’m also not sure his reaction was entirely appropriate for the situation, given that he isn’t being cuckolded in any way, and yet was acting as though he was. True, she shouldn’t have kept the father’s identity from him, and he should be upset about that, but not so upset as to abuse that poor door! In the end, though, he still puts that ring on her finger and demands that she never, ever take it off. Which is sweet. See? His heart’s in the right place!

4. Naomi. She’s also insane and completely in denial about the fact that Liam is a douchebag. I’m glad Annie called him on his shit on that double date she was forced into, and I really don’t care if he asked her out because he genuinely liked her or to prove to Naomi he’s a douchebag, because he’s a douchebag and no one should date him. But power to Annie for her actions. And for rocking that Ella Moss dress Naomi gifted her.

5. Naomi is a terrible, ungrateful houseguest so it’s a good thing for the Wilsons that she has a sister we’ve never fucking heard of that clearly was something the writers had never before thought of to bail her out of their father’s “Dionysian Debacle.” Also, her sister is a bitch and I see where she gets it from.

WestBev: so gauche.

Why didn't we ever know, with all of Naomi's family problems, that she had a sister?

6. Silver at St. Claire’s. Why is she so shocked that people pray aloud in Catholic school? That’s kind of what going to a religiously affiliated private school is like. Did she simply not think of that at all?

7. Paige Howard. By the way, I attended Catholic school for 13 years of my academic life, and I never, ever met anyone like Paige Howard’s character. I certainly had friends who were more pious than others (including myself), but none so horrible as to sweetly demand that someone come clean about their past in order to get right with God or whatever. Certainly, most of the people I know who went to Catholic school are so much more intensely strange and wholly un-pious than what Paige Howard is supposed to represent. Basically, all the kids I know from Catholic school are really fucked up. And that’s why I love them and we’re all still friends today. (And yes, Paige Howard is Ron Howard’s daughter.)

8. Catholic School is no different than Public School. I mean, really. Rumors are going to swirl and people will call you a slut if you make an Internet sex tape with your boyfriend, regardless of what school you go to. Hell, rumors are going to swirl even if you don’t make an Internet sex tape with your boyfriend. That’s just what high school is like, and I don’t know why Silver expected changing schools would make it any different. Hasn’t she watched Buffy? High school is hell. Literally and metaphorically.

9. Naomi’s sister we’ve never heard apparently slept with Ethan. Is Naomi going to kill him when she finds out? I would love a death at the prom, so I really hope that happens.
Oh, and a special shout out to Jessica Lowndes hair, which looked amazing throughout this entire episode.

The Wife:

Holy whizbang wow, kidlets, what the hell is going on over on 90210? The show has changed so drastically in tone since its return that it’s certainly not quite as lame, it is, however, really ridiculous. So, with that, let’s talk about “9 Rididdilyiculous Things About This Week’s 90210.”

1. Silver’s escape. While Ryan Eggold has the power to restrain and magically calm insane teenage girls who assault him with wine bottles, that’s apparently not enough to keep her from bolting out into crazy land. What I don’t understand is why she felt the need to hide under his table while he was out of the room, rather than just sneaking out the window that she destroyed when she not-so-stealthily sneaked in. She’s fucking nuts, though, so I guess that should serve as reason enough for having a burning desire to hide under your teacher’s table.

Silver apparently shares a makeup artist with Little J.

Silver apparently shares a makeup artist with Little J.

2. “It’s drugs! It’s got to be drugs!” Once word gets out in the 9fneh-verse that Silver has been doing some crazy shit and is now missing, everyone assumes that she’s on drugs. The jump-cuts between groups of characters discussing her apparent drug addiction were pretty amusing in a cheesy kind of way, but I’ll tell you one drug that Silver is definitely not on: weed. If that girl were smokin’ the ganja and Dixon broke up with her over her creepy/funny art film, she would just drive to the beach and smoke more weed and be cool with it. For the last time, everyone in the universe that demonizes the marijuana, smoking weed just makes you mellow, easily amused, hungry and probably a little bit sleepy. The worst thing it will do is make you a little paranoid, but you’re certainly not going to go kill your baby sister or start breaking into teacher’s homes and assaulting them with wine bottles.

3. Navid and Adriana turn into Ben and Amy from Secret Life. I guess because she’s pregnant and you don’t want a pregnant girl running up against a drug-crazed maniac, Adriana gets put on babysitting duty, hanging out Sammy. It took me the entire episode to remember that Sammy was Kelly Taylor’s kid, which is generally a bad sign. Adriana’s all like, “I’m not good with babies!” And Navid’s like, “Don’t give your baby up for adoption! Let this experience teach you how to be a mommy!” And it does. Let me tell you, Adriana is such a great actress that I think she plays a really believable dump truck or tractor. I bet she could act like a good mommy for the duration of her child’s life. Also, question: when, exactly, did Navid and Adriana get back together? I don’t even remember anymore.

Next thing you know, Ricky is going to show up and ruin all of this.

Next thing you know, Ricky is going to show up and ruin all of this.

4. Dixon’s ‘tude. What the ass, dude? I realize your lady pissed you off, but I am much more worried about Dixon being on drugs after he completely shut down and acted like he didn’t give a shit about the girl he just had huge fight with, but previously loved. I mean, clearly, she has mental health issues, but I think Dixon’s being the much more ridiculous person in this episode. What a dickmeat.

6. Silver’s quest. Um, maybe you shouldn’t run away and take a train to Kansas to discover what makes Dixon Dixon because, um, Dixon = Kansas and Kansas = Baking Soda or something. The quest is clearly kind of crazy because, you know, a normal person might just ask how their boyfriend feels about something. But I have to say that her speech about Dixon and chemical reactions would actually be really profound if it were 2 a.m. and she were drunk in a dorm room with her college roommates.

5. Train station Baby Denis Leary. Creepiest person ever. Clearly, Silver is distressed and ranting like a crazyface about her plans to take a train to Kansas, so what does Kevin the Denis Leary Look-alike do? He leers at her and follows her around like he’s going to board that train, murder her and rape her corpse. But no! In 90210‘s very lame attempt at misdirection, Kevin grabs her purse and fishes out her wallet, only to turn around and call the last number in her cell (Dixon’s, which mom Debbie picks up) to get in touch with her people so they can help her. Um, okay, guys, I’m glad to know that Kevin is a good person and that he isn’t going to kill Silver and rape her corpse, but there was NO NEED for him to be portrayed as kind of creepy and unnerving. He could have just been concerned! There had to have been a less creepy way to run these scenes!

6. Debbie’s password guesses include “Ludacris. ” Good job, Debbie. Way to stereotype your adopted Black son. You’re a wonderful person.

7. Ethan and Annie. So, apparently, being with Ethan meant that Annie had to make lots of sacrifices, and not just the play and her sense of self, but her potential friendship with Naomi. As the trio search the school for Silver, Annie learns the true meaning of the phrase Chicks before Dicks. Oh, wait, you guys have never heard that before? I made it up. It’s the ladies version of Bros before Hos. Spread it around. I don’t know why this plot was even in the episode at all. Couldn’t it have waited? And how did these three end up on search party duty at school, anyway?

8. Debbie’s insane speech about LA. Um, L.A. is definitely not my favorite part of California, but I am definitely going to go with “the big bad city is not corrupting your children.” And since when does anyone on 90210 give a shit about morals? I’m glad she changed her mind by the end and realized, through the miracles of gluten-free bread, that living in a place where her kids have options for enrichment other than cowtipping and fucking under the bleachers is a good thing. I quote: “I don’t even know what gluten is, but I like the option of not having to eat it.”

9. Train tracks! Oh, man, you know where a horrible place to have a life-changing relationship conversation is? On the train tracks! Thank God Dixon made a 180 from taking the Express to Doucheville and realized that Silver just needs TLC because she’s manic depressive, just like his mommy was. I’m bummed that his mom never took him to Disneyland, though. You’d think that once you make the drive from fucking Kansas you’d be committed to that shit, no matter what your mental state is. I am, however, surprised that it took the characters on this show so damned long to figure out that Silver needs to meet with some mental health professionals. I mean, it’s pretty clear to me that she’s unbalanced, although in my completely unprofessional opinion, I’ve never known a bipolar person who is quite so histrionic. Just . . . get that girl on medication. Stat. Nonetheless, thanks for the SLOTAT-esque PSA at the end. Check out 90210‘s lame tie-in site with Bipolar Kids. I applaud the notion of making mildly informative youth-oriented television, but this is a horrible website.

And, finally, let’s let Dixon sum up the show for us, shall we?

“Oh, God, what is happening?”

The Husband:

I’m actually very thankful for EW pointing out that the last couple episodes are the true direction the show should be going in if it wanted to live up to its previous incarnation, because it has freed me up to realize that I really enjoy the show if I give it absolutely zero thought. Gone are the confusing glances I make at the TV, because it would hurt to do that for 42 minutes. Gone is my attempt to streamline a character’s arc, because there aren’t any beyond four episodes at a time. Gone is the suspicion that the writers have no idea what they’re doing, because it’s not a suspicion anymore.

I still have yet to be bored by an episode of 9fneh, and in my world, that’s entirely okay. Now I can watch this show whenever I want instead of limiting myself to Tuesday nights, because it falls way behind Reaper, Idol and Fringe, and it goes very well the following morning with a bowl of Puffins mixed with Trader Joe’s house brand of Cheerios, the time when my brain isn’t entirely there before I go to work.

Now I get it. You guys were all insane during the 90s. That’s fine. It was a good time. Crazy was an optimistic way of life.

The Wife:

I had to write about the final two episodes of SLOTAT together, because it was impossible to write more than a couple of paragraphs about either of them. The flashback episode, “One Night at Band Camp,” was one of the strangest things I’d ever seen. I thought it was just going to be Amy flashbackin’ on how she got into such a pregnant pickle, but, no, apparently, she was flashbackin’ for everybody, as not only did we learn how she met Ricky and apparently got pregnant from making out with him in the band camp cafeteria (what? they cut straight away from the promise of making out! that’s not even showing us the make-out and top-taking-off that leads to implied sex!), but also about how Adrian got her red convertible, how Jack first asked out Grace, Ben getting his braces off before high school started and Lauren and Madison scoping out the prospect of high school altogether. None of those things, outside of the actual band camp flashbacks, added to the episode at all and, in fact, just made things really weird. Just about as weird as the strange voiceover whisper of Amy’s thoughts as Ricky laid his signature moves on her. By the way, these moves are:

  • “You wanna move over to that couch? This bench is getting a little uncomfortable.”
  • “I could listen to you talk all night, or we could do this . . .” [Proceeds to make out with her.]


The only thing that was really well-achieved by adding all that stuff in was to stretch Amy’s labor and delivery process over two episodes, thus making it seem a little more realistic, as on practically every other show, the baby is always born in the very episode in which its mother goes into labor, making it seem as though the process took less than five hours. (Possible, but generally not for one’s first birth.)

God, I hope bitchface isn't genetic . . .

God, I hope bitchface isn't genetic . . .

Amy was also a total bitch in that episode, her brain addled by flashbacks and her body riddled with contractions, all the poor girl wanted was a greasy-ass hamburger from the Dairy Shack and no one would get it for her! While Ben’s offer of Kobe beef prepared by his chef was lovely, if a pregnant lady asks for a Dairy Shack burger, you fucking get her a Dairy Shack burger. This is exactly what Ricky ends up doing after she invites him to wait for his son to be born. My husband felt kind of bad for Ricky, being yelled at and shit, but I think that if he knocked the poor girl up and fucked with her life throughout her entire pregnancy, the least he can do is buy the girl the correct kind of burger.

“Would you two shut up? I can’t enjoy my Dairy Shack burger when you guys are talking about cows in Japan and stuff.” — Amy

I was also rather surprised at Amy’s complete ignorance of her situation. She asked her mother pre-epidural if she actually had a birth canal, which is a truly dumb question for someone with a vagina to ask. What surprised me most, though, is that Amy apparently hasn’t thought at all about what to name her son. Um, what? What girl doesn’t have secret baby names? We’re cultured to desire motherhood from birth (especially girls who are taught to call their dolls their “babies”), and I do not know a single girl who doesn’t have secret baby names for their future children. We start thinking about that shit when we’re like eight. Hasn’t Amy ever heard someone’s name and said to herself, “I really like that name. That’s a pretty name.” Or looked up the meaning of someone’s name and thought, “I like that.” Or even seen a movie or read a book or seen a play and admired the character in it so much that their name held special meaning to her? No? Apparently not.

In “And Unto Us a Child Is Born,” Amy’s baby finally makes his debut, at about the 30-minute mark, leaving a good 5 minute sequence of everyone oohing and aahing over the little guy and another 25 minutes of show thereafter. Prior to his arrival, however, all the waiting friends leave to go get coffee, Ben and Ricky try to figure out how to deal with being dueling daddies and Ashley and George reminisce about how much easier it would have been to deal with teen pregnancy back in the 1950s. (For example, Amy would go to “music school” in the Midwest for a year and Anne would fake a pregnancy during that time and then suddenly give birth while the family took a vacay to visit their prodigal daughter at music school. Hooray! Problem solved via a complicated lie. I immediately though about how horrible it was for Bobby Darin to find out that the woman whom he thought was his sister was actually his mother. Complicated lies are complicated.)

Ricky realizes that he doesn’t even deserve to have this child with Amy, but Ben talks him off the vasectomy ledge and convinces him that, between the two of them, the baby will be very well cared for. This is basically the weirdest teenage boy to teenage boy conversation I’ve ever heard, as Ricky assumes that its going to be difficult to split up holidays and birthdays and custody of the baby . . . as though thousands of adults don’t currently function that way without any major incident. It’s like he’s never watched a TV show featuring a divorced couple, or, for that matter, ever met one. Adrian buys Ricky coffee and tells him she cares about him and will be there for him for anything, and Grace tells Ricky she’s getting back together with Jack and reminds Ricky just how in love with him Adrian is.

The baby is born and Amy decides to name him John, because she didn’t think of any baby names and decides on about the most fucking boring name ever, which she and Ashley defend as “classic,” citing a list of famous people named John and launching into a stirring rendition of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.” John Jurgens. Ugh. That is some unfavorable alliteration right there. Couldn’t she have gone for the slightly more modern Jonathan? He could still be a John, he’d just have the option of not sounding like he was born in 1952, as well as the comforting cushion of two extra syllables between those harsh initial affricates. The fake baby who plays John in non-close-up shots is incredibly creepy, by the way. Like, terrifying creepy. No one likes animatronic babies. No one.

That baby is so fake, this looks like an ad for a little girl's toy rather than a scene of a young mother not breastfeeding her baby. EVEN ANIMATRONIC BABIES NEED THE BREAST!

That baby is so fake, this looks like an ad for a little girl's toy rather than a scene of a young mother not breastfeeding her baby. EVEN ANIMATRONIC BABIES NEED THE BREAST!

Once Amy brings little John home, life goes on around the Jurgens home, but changes considerably. Ashley and George move into the house next door — close enough to stick around, but far enough away to remain separated. Amy finally gets some of that new-mom tiredness that I expected her to have after giving birth, stumbling around the kitchen in her robe heating up formula. That girl’s hair was far too perfect when she gave birth, so I’m glad to see a tiny bit of realism eke through in her messy head of hair in this scene. It distracted me from my outrage that she wasn’t breastfeeding for a few seconds. Apparently, Anne plans to take her to breastfeeding classes, but she better do that shit soon because I don’t know why “and my boobs are sore” wasn’t on Amy’s list of complaints about being a new mom. Girl, you got milk tits, and if you are not feeding your son or using a breast pump, those suckers are going to ache. Do the people who write this show have children? Have they ever met anyone with children? Do they have breasts? I don’t have children, but I fucking know that you start lactating after you give birth and that it hurts when your milk is stuck or when your breasts are heavy swollen with it. Clearly, I don’t know nearly as much as my friend the certified lactation counselor does, but I’m fucking appalled that Amy’s not breastfeeding and equally appalled that no one at the hospital bothered to take five minutes to give her a quick run-through. That girl should be breastfeeding that child, for its sake and the sake of her breasts.

And that’s it, folks! Ashley and George have their new home and are continuing their teenage-and-midlife rebellions, Anne continues to date her boss the architect and Amy’s already really tired of having a child. I hope someone buys her some books on mommyhood before next season, and preferably that she enrolls in a lactation class very soon. I’m worried for the future of that animatronic baby.

The Husband:

I’m currently sick at home with what may be whooping cough, so I’m sad that I cannot muster up enough brainpower to wrap up this season of SLOTAT. I will say, though, that while I think the show lost a bit of its realistic edge from season one — you know, that teenagers make ridiculous impulsive decisions and don’t talk like anybody of any age anywhere else — and instead focused on a lot of soapy Baby Daddy drama, I felt that it regained a lot of its momentum as Ricky became a better drawn character, Lauren and Madison disappeared for episodes on end, and Grace began to talk like a real human being with actual human urges. Even Ben learned to stand up for himself better, and I was glad to see that he learned one of those great lessons we geeks learn by the end of high school or midway through college — being an intelligent, well-spoken individual raises you above the class of smooth-talking meatheads who have nothing to add to our society, and our confidence in knowing that is the biggest step toward adult-hood.

But Ashley has now become my favorite character, and maybe one of my favorite characters on TV — a wise-beyond-her-years bit of rambunctious snark, the one sane person in a family of lunatics who distances herself from everything as long as she can. I can’t wait for her to start high school. It gon’ be hilarious.

The Wife:

I realize that most of the episode titles for SLOTAT are the names of pop songs or plays on pop songs, but by far the strangest and funniest one is “Whoomp! (There It Is).” I mean, yeah, Amy does go into labor in that episode, but I sure hope that no one, ever, has ever used that phrase to describe birthing a child. But before we get to that, there other preparations before the baby arrives.

The Sausage King makes good on his threat to teach Ben responsibility by getting him a job at the butcher shop, an offer he also extends to Ricky so that both unprepared teenage boys have a chance to provide for Amy’s child. Part of me thinks this is kind of douchey to do to your son, but its also largely magnanimous, because if the baby’s biological father and his adoptive father are both providing for him, that just increases that kid’s chances of having the kind of life he deserves to have. Ricky is all about taking the work and, as it turns out, for all the things he sucks at and his sociopathic tendencies, he has a real aptitude for following instructions and doing a job well. He’s also very fast at his work, which pleases butcher shop manager Kathy Kinney, whom I am not used to seeing without her Mimi makeup from The Drew Carey Show. Ben, the spoiled rich kid, is less quick about filling his orders and doesn’t really understand the whole process. But at least he’s learning that he can’t spend his whole life living off his Sausage King trust fund.

Better to work with sausages than with tools. (I dont even know what thats supposed to mean.)

Better to work with sausages than with tools. (I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.)

Speaking of work, Anne goes off to interview with that cute architect, but George tries to sabotage her by telling her that he’s not only gay, but deaf in one ear. Anne spends her interview talking about how much she loves the gays, especially when she sees his ice skates hung on the wall (which just fills in the picture that George painted when he told her that the architect went deaf during a salchow accident). Anne also says everything very, very loudly throughout this entire interview. AWKWARD! She later goes back to apologize for being weird in the interview, and explains to the architect what she thought about him that caused her to act so strangely. He then tells her the truth, especially that he was indeed flirting with her at the hot dog stand, and Anne decides to walk out and start the interview over again. The architect then takes it to even higher levels of awkwardness by proceeding to kiss her and ask her on a date. Rather than hire her, he tells her she should start her own green consulting business and start her own life away from George. That’s a great way to avoid a sexual harassment suit.

As for Amy, she’s starting to feel really lonely, especially because her dad forgets to pick her up from school. She assures herself that he’s coming, though, and she turns down invitations to hang out with Grace and Adrian, as well as her former best friends Lauren and Madison. Instead, she takes a long, lonely walk home, stopping in at a baby clothing store where the store owner instantly starts chatting her up about her due date and impending birth. I really loved this scene, actually, in which Amy pretends that she has a different life where she’s 21, married and can keep her baby and probably still finish college. It hit this nice mix of sadness and hopefulness. The storekeeper gifts Amy a pair of overalls for her son, and tells her to be sure to bring the baby in when he’s born so that she can see. Filled with her fake hopeful future and a shopping bag full of gifted overalls, Amy heads home, where she catches her dad and Ashley watching the “why I’m giving you up” video she made for her son. She’s furious, and Ashley launches into a weird, weird speech about raising a baby that doesn’t make any sense.

Then, freaking everyone in the SLOTAT universe shows up at her house with news. Ben and Ricky tell her they both got jobs to support her and the baby, while Adrian, Grace and Jack arrive with the most ideal news of all: they talked to Rev. Stone and got Amy a job in the daycare center at the church, where she can leave her son during school hours and come to work in the afternoons as a music teacher. That job? It also comes with insurance. Adrian and Grace also offer to throw Amy a baby shower, beating Lauren and Madison to the punch. After all of this, Amy decides to keep the baby. And here’s where I teared up a little bit:

“I know that I can be a good mom because I’ve got the best mom in the world.”

Then it’s on to the baby shower preparations! Adrian forgot to send out the invitations, so she tries to invite girls from school by phone, but it turns out no one likes her because she’s a dirty sloot. Grace tries her hand at it, but is too caught up kissing her ex boyfriend Jack to do it, so she enlists the help of Joe the Fake ID Guy. The bigger issue, of course, is kissing Jack, as Jack got into some hot water with his mentee in the last episode when he called him on his stupid pranks and forced him to sell candy. Shauna, apparently, can smell a cheater from a mile away and suspects Jack when he calls her to tell her not to come to the baby shower (which he mistakenly thought he’d be invited to, thus there’d be a link between his older girlfriend and the attendees). So she goes to the baby shower to investigate.

Adrian, meanwhile, has been moping around waiting for her step-brother to call, but he hasn’t. He shows up at the shower and says he wants to have sex with her. She insists on a 30-min love session before the guests arrive, insisting:

“You risked military school to come over here. I don’t want you to go off to war without something to remember me by.”

So they head off to her bedroom and end up missing the entire party because all the guests arrive early and then Amy doesn’t make it there at all because she goes into labor while walking up the steps to Adrian’s condo complex. Thus, when Adrian’s dad arrives to bust in on her and Max, she sees that the whole party has passed her by. Her dad tells them that this is exactly why he didn’t want them dating, but Max insists that going to military school was worth one afternoon with his sister because he’s falling in love with her. Adrian is surprised to hear that, and does not reciprocate those feelings but instead tells Max that their father was cheating on his mother with her mother. Man, the dude just wanted to hear that you loved him! Way to break a man’s heart!

Ricky’s mom, meanwhile, has an awful lot of faith in her son’s parenting skills, and we later find out that he’s been practicing diapering so he can care for his son. He and Jack have a diapering race, which is the weirdest thing ever. George moves out of Anne’s garage, and Ashley plans to move in with him. Shauna decides to break up with Jack because he’s 16, especially after meeting all of his teenage friends.

At the hospital, Ben shows up to greet Amy, and she tells him he can’t be in the delivery room. He agrees to this condition and urges Amy to call Ricky and let him know that his son will soon be born. Ricky’s face on the other end of this phone call? That’s acting, my friends. That’s acting.



I like that this show straddles the line between being ridiculous and being very thoughtful, and both of these episodes balanced those to things out very well. I have a feeling I’ll tear up a little bit when the baby’s born, and when Amy speaks his name for the first time. That’s just how I roll.

Some other assorted points:

  • George’s weenie stand song is so amazing they should sing it on American Idol. It can’t be any worse than forcing someone to sing “Rockin’ Robin.”
  • I need Amy’s cat maternity sweater. I’m not pregnant. I just really want a cat sweater.
  • I swear Grace said someone on one of her phones about a mixed dog breed called a sasquatch. What the hell is that and where can I acquire one?
  • I like that Lauren is such a bitch about everything that she thanked Grace for inviting her to the baby shower by insulting her mini-quiches.
  • “This is the slut’s condo – I’m just answering the door.” – Grace

The Wife:

With the gay adoption off the table, the Jurgens-Boykevich-Whatever the Fuck Ricky’s Last Name Is Clan are trying to find other solutions. Mama Ringwald is back on her daughter to get a job, but Amy just keeps complaining that she’s too tired to work because carrying a baby is hard work. Granted, hauling around a rapidly growing hooman inside your body is indeed tiring, but I fully side with Mama Ringwald on this one. Most of us women folk work while we’re pregnant because that’s just how you function in society. Amy got into the whole earning-your-keep thing a little late, but two months of work before heading on maternity leave from the Hot Dog Hut is better than nothing. That buys you at least a few changes of diapers and a Beeba Baby Cook so you can steam your own baby foods. (I definitely want that when we decide to expand our TV-watching family, and mostly because I really like saying “Beeba Baby Cook.”) But despite Amy’s protestations, Mama Ringwald drags Amy off with her to go work in the food service industry, a job she garnered simply because the twentysomething manager thought she was MILFy goodness and decided to help her out, gleefully proclaiming:

“It’s minimum wage for the both of yas!”

Mama Ringwald is pretty happy to work in the food service industry, even if her daughter isn’t. And true to her theory that it’s easier to find a job if you already have a job, she gets a job offer from a cute architect at the end of her first shift.



Meanwhile, Ben and Ricky have a showdown about who is better suited to play daddy to Amy’s baby. Ben buys Amy four $5 chocolate bars, which is just one of his ways of showing unemployed Ricky how much more he, with his Sausage King money, can give Amy’s son. Ben further extends the candy bar analogy by suggesting that those $5 candy bars are like child support, which Ricky will have to pay every month until their son turns 18 should he decide to stick around and play daddy. The ultimate burn, as Ben snatches stolen candy bar from Ricky’s hand:

“Don’t take things you can’t pay for, Ricky.”

And where did those overpriced candy bars come from? Jack, who has taken up selling the sugar-laden treats on behalf of his mentee, Duncan, who is trying to raise money for disadvantaged youth, which is fitting as he himself is disadvantaged. With Grace’s help, Jack sells his share of the candy and heads back to Duncan’s house to give him the money, only to have the money stolen from his hand, and then to have his phone and keys stolen while trying to call the cops to report the mugging. Jack chases his faceless assailant, only to come face to face with two dudes who are ready to steal his sneakers. They make him run around shoeless for a minute, before telling him that they’re just playing with him and they wonder who he’s running from. He explains his situation, and they tell him that Duncan’s been scamming him with the candy bar money to scare Jack away from Shauna. In fact, Duncan’s the one who robbed Jack, just to teach him a lesson.

Grace is also helping Adrian to reclaim her virginity, which, short of a hymenoplasty, can be achieved through the power of prayer and God’s almighty forgiveness. Asking guys at her school who wants to buy chocolate from a virgin is, amazingly, how she sells all of Jack’s candy. Adrian tries to impress her brother with her new good girl act, especially because she enjoyed him courting her so much, but she’s a little dismayed when he reveals that a third date to him usually means fooling around, even if its a third date that begins with the gift of a teddy bear. However, I think he’s super cool because he is all about sexual responsibility. He tells Adrian that if they decide to have sex with each other, they should sit down and talk about their sexual history, like responsible sexual citizens.

Is there anything sweeter than a tender hug between two people who are technically brother and sister, but still want to bone each other?

Is there anything sweeter than a tender hug between two people who are technically brother and sister, but still want to bone each other?

I am, however, strangely concerned about this whole notion of men wanting to have sex with a virgin. My husband tried to explain to me why that concept is so appealing to men, that it’s a question on deep-rooted biological imperatives about being the first to lay claim to something, but I find the idea to be extremely troubling. In certain cultures, I understand the value of virginity, and I understand it in context with Grace’s religious beliefs, but outside of religious and cultural morays, the idea of wanting to deflower someone is just so . . . unsettling. Like Adrian’s brother, one’s sexuality should be something mutually shared, and I can’t help but think that the notion of intentionally deflowering a woman comes a little too close to rape for my comfort.

Anyway, his battle with Ricky won, Ben comes to visit Amy at work where he promises to help her give her baby a good life, a notion that angers the Sausage King, who reminds Ben that while they have money, they only have money because the Sausage King worked hard for everything he had, and Ben doesn’t get anything until he turns 18. To teach his son the value of an honest days work, he suggests that Ben work at the butcher shop like he did as a boy to earn money to support Amy and her son. I like a Sausage King who values a hard day’s work, and I think it’s a good lesson for teenagers who aren’t pregnant. If you want something, you should work for it. Seriously.

In a final note, sullen Ashley is still hanging out with bus stop Thomas, and using the chaos over jobs and her pregnant sister to stay under the radar so she can hang out with him alone in her home. She heeds her father’s warning to not get pregnant (“unless you want a job you don’t want”) and spends her time with Thomas being more domestic and grown up than her parents are by cooking him dinner and sitting around the table to read the paper and trade conspiracy theories, as well as numerous mentions about her feelings on shelter animals. If anything breaks up this incredibly droll but incredibly perfect couple, it will totally be the fact that Thomas doesn’t believe in shelling out money for pets from a no-kill shelter, which he thinks cost $250. I’ve never seen a shelter dog cost that much, and someone needs to tell him that there are adoption fees at shelters to pay for the cost of that animal living in a no-kill shelter. You just can’t put a price on saving a life, man.

The Husband:

This is the best episode of SLOTAT in a while. I was starting to feel really bummed for Ben, how he had reverted back into a completely weak pussy after having spent the first season really finding his inner confidence. How Ricky could just walk all over him even when the words Ricky said made very little sense? I guess Ricky’s sneer really is that powerful.

But now, now Ben is willing to fight tooth and nail for the woman that he loves, the woman he protects and the woman he sort-of-kind-of married, and no sneer can take him down. He’s finally thinking logically, and trying to make Ricky understand that his douchebaggery will only result in everybody being unhappy, the baby uncared for or gone completely, and probably through some means or another Ricky will end up in jail. (I think we can all assume he’d end up stealing something or selling something illicit just to support Amy and their son.)

In addition, Jack – the show’s most worthless character – finally has a story, and while it’s not the best story in the world, it’s definitely the funniest this season. Watching this meathead white boy walk around this show’s lame version of “The Ghetto” and be basically humiliated each and every step of the way is just nutty and absurd enough that this show had to be on cable. I don’t know one major network honcho who wouldn’t have noticed that Jack’s “muggings” were screwball basic cable comedy at its finest, and it’s even better that Brenda Hampton doesn’t even seem to notice.

And Ashley is still hilarious. Do people still think she’s a shitty character played by a shitty actress? Do these people know any actual teenagers?

The Wife:

I’ve been saving up these House posts for a number of reasons, primarily because there’s so much awesomeness on Monday nights now that House falls by the wayside for us, so there’s no sense posting something within a few days of a new episode. I know this will greatly disappoint Mary, our friend and massive Hugh Laurie lover, but on Mondays, I’ve got Chuck, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Big Bang Theory, Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother. I can’t even watch all five of those shows on a good day, so House gets pushed back, resulting in this clusterfuck of a post.

House aired its 100th episode with “The Greater Good,” in which a formerly brilliant cancer researcher (she’s still brilliant, just not researching the ol’ cancer anymore) falls ill during a cooking class. As she lays dying under House and his team’s care, they all wonder why she would give up cancer research – especially when she was so close to finding a cure for a certain cancer I can no longer remember – to live a selfish and self-fulfilling life. Shouldn’t she, as a doctor on the forefront of research in her field, be working towards the greater good? Meanwhile, Thirteen starts to get really sick because irresponsible asshole Foreman switched her onto the trial drug from the placebo. Bad shit goes down, like, losing her vision and developing small brain tumors. Side effects are fun, kids!

Ultimately, when the patient gets a final diagnosis of ectopic endometriosis (which she developed after some of her endometrial cells escaped into her body during her hysterectomy a few years back), everybody realizes that they probably shouldn’t do things for wholly selfish reasons, especially Foreman, who risked his girlfriend’s life because he wanted to keep her around. House and Thirteen, however, don’t get that upset at Foreman and won’t let him “torch his career” because he’ll do a lot more good for other people if he’s still a doctor, he just has to quit the clinical trial and throw out Thirteen’s study results. I get that this ending to the clinical trial mishap fits with the theme. Yes, one more doctor in the world saves the lives of however many people (and Foreman, though an idiot, is a good doctor), but it also doesn’t fairly punishing him for endangering Thirteen’s life, and the fate of that Huntington’s study. Because its TV, that study gets to continue and Tank Girl might have a chance of living for a few more years than she would have, but I think that in the real world, compromised results has a strong chance of removing that particular study from Princeton-Plainsboro altogether, and possibly put on hiatus for a long time, which isn’t helping anyone with Huntington’s.

Frankly, I wasn’t that into “The Greater Good,” especially because the two episodes that followed “Unfaithful” and “The Softer Side” were so much better (although I find the latter to be a little problematic). In “Unfaithful,” House takes a case from Cameron involving a drunken priest who hallucinated a stigmatic Christ. House takes this, hoping to prove that anyone who would put their faith in something unseen has something wrong with them, but as the case continues and the ailing priest and House have a few bedside conversations about the nature of believe and what it’s like to lose one’s faith, House starts to think that the vision of Christ has nothing to do with the rest of the symptoms which, during the priest’s stay, involve loss of gangrenous digits, blindness and numbness to pain.

Where the hell is Meryl Streep when you need her?

Where the hell is Meryl Streep when you need her?

While House has never had any faith at all in a higher power, the priest began to lose his joy in the priesthood after an accusation of molestation moved him from parish to parish, making him a black sheep amongst the members of his various flocks. Though he denies molesting the child, Taub feels he should believe the claim of the victim, especially when the team diagnoses the priest with AIDS, and sets out to find the boy the priest allegedly molested. The boy, Ryan, visits the priest on his deathbed and asks him for forgiveness, which to me says that the allegations made against the priest were false. But that’s just me. Much like Doubt, it’s a situation where you aren’t given the whole truth and should decide for yourself. (In Doubt, by the way, I’ve decided that since we know the little boy had some homosexual tendencies, Father Flynn, who joined the priesthood because he also has homosexual tendencies, merely befriended the boy, without any other ulterior motive.)

Once House rules out the hallucinations, he realizes that the priest doesn’t have AIDS at all, but Wuska-Aldridge, an auto-immune deficiency that acts a lot like AIDS, but his hereditary, non-communicable and non-life threatening.

This episode also added a third element to the theme with the organization of Cuddy’s daughter’s naming ceremony, which House refuses to attend based on the principle that anyone who doesn’t practice their religion to the letter is a hypocrite. Thus, because Cuddy doesn’t keep the Sabbath, pretending she’s more religious than she actually is by having a naming ceremony for Rachael is hypocritical. Cuddy doesn’t really want House to go, though, but Wilson fucks it all up by convincing House to at least put in an appearance. In the end, everyone attends the service but House, who stays at home, playing traditional Jewish music on his piano instead. (Know what I love? Hugh Laurie playing piano.)

And then there’s “The Softer Side,” the patient of which my husband noted is like an alternate version of last week’s Private Practice, but fast forwarded 13 years. Much like Anyanka and Sgt. Scream’s baby, the patient of the week is a 13-year-old “boy” with genetic mosaicism. “He” has both male and female DNA, but his parents chose to raise him as boy even though we learned on Private Practice that 70% of genetic mosaics end up identifying as female. Jacksons parents have lied to him for years, socializing him as a boy and pushing him to do masculine things like playing hockey and basketball, even though, like one Billy Elliot, all he’s ever really wanted to do is to dance. He collapses at one of his basketball games with pelvic pain, and his parents immediately demand that House and his team give Jackson an MRI to look for a blind uterus. Strangely, House concedes to this procedure, even though when Thirteen suggests it, Foreman (continuing the lie they established in the last episode that they had broken up) mocks her for the suggestion, because surely every single one of the kids previous doctors had thought of that.

Consenting to the MRI, as well as asking to eat his bagel before doing so, alerts Wilson that something is wrong with House. He thinks maybe Cuddy slept with him, which Cuddy denies, but when both of them go to check up on House, they find him sleeping in his office . . .  and not breathing. Foreman gives House a bitching titty twister to wake him up, and House insists that he just passed out because he took one too many Vicodan.

Shhhh! He's sleeping!

Shhhh! He's sleeping!

Jackson only gets sicker after the team takes him off his “vitamins,” which are testosterone shots, fearing the T might be causing some of his problems, so House sends Foreman and Thirteen to investigate the kid’s house for environmental factors. In his room, which has posters for So You Think You Can Dance, Godspell, Rent, A Chorus Line and The Wizard of Oz, Thirteen finds a poem that she believes is a confession of Jackson’s state of mind, potentially indicating suicide. She brings it to his parents, suggesting that he knows he’s different than other kids and may have developed some suicidal feelings because of it. She tells Jackson that his vitamins aren’t vitamins, and that he should ask his parents about them. This causes the parents to finally tell their son that he’s intersex, and Jackson gets so upset with his parents lies that he refuses to talk to them. Jackson’s mom is furious at Thirteen and wants her off Jackson’s case, but Cuddy intervenes and tells Thirteen that she has to be the person Jackson trusts now.

The bisexual doctor and the intersex boy have a nice heart-to-heart about Jackson’s feelings about his gender identity, wondering if his homosexual feelings towards a friend on his basketball team and his predilection toward dance exist simply because he was meant to be a girl. And that’s where I find this episode to be a little bit problematic. Granted, this is an hour-long show that’s barely skimming the surface of the complexities of gender identity, especially for intersex children, but Jackson’s words here and Thirteen’s lack of correction lead me to question the rigid construction of gender that seems to frame this argument. Knowing what I know about genetic mosaicism, I would argue that Jackson’s parents made the wrong choice in aggressively gendering him as male, but other than not liking basketball, Jackson doesn’t seem to exhibit any other issues with having a male gender identity. No one ever scolded him for wearing his mother’s clothing often because he didn’t do it. He doesn’t express feeling as though he should be developing breasts or otherwise show any signs of a gender identity disorder He feels male and constructs his identity as male. How much of that feeling comes from the fact that his parents aggressively gendered him as such, I don’t know, but he does seem to like being male. He just doesn’t like to play sports. And there’s nothing un-masculine about dance at all, and the fact that his parents assert otherwise just tells me that they’ve a.) never watched So You Think You Can Dance with their son and b.) they need to be punched in the face, repeatedly.

What I’m getting at here is that this entire argument constructs gender identity based on very antiquated terms, and I think Thirteen kind of points to this when she tells Jackson that she was a point guard on her basketball team. No one in their right mind would think their daughter wanted to be a man if she started playing sports, so why on earth would someone think their son wanted to be a girl if he wanted to dance? Baryshnikov gets all the bitches, that’s what I’m saying. The boy, though, is confused at this point, and who can blame him, as he wonders if he actually should have been a girl or if, perhaps, he is meant to be a gay man. (I vote gay man.)

So maybe, Jackson might be alright with the gender identity his parents chose for him, but should they have chosen at all? People have very different feelings about gender identity, and I’m really not for aggressively gendering children. I find that when children begin to socialize with other children, they pick out a gender identity for themselves and the degree to which they want to express that. I have a friend with a two-year-old daughter. My friend tried really hard not to engender her child in anyway, but this little girl, at only two, has expressed a great interest in wearing dresses and trying on mommy’s make-up and dance clothes. Without even encouraging her to do so, her daughter has begun to express a very feminine version of a female gender identity. This example points to the fact that society – the images about our gender that we receive from our peers and from the culture at large – will gender us unconsciously, so that even if we are not aggressively gendered by our parents, we may still choose to exhibit a more normalized gender identity. Of course, we may not. But isn’t it better to let a child choose than to saddle them with something they might not feel suits them, forcing a child to be like Tireseas, first one thing and then the other?

Just . . . I dunno . . . read Middlesex. It’s great. It won the Pulitzer. And it’s far more eloquent about these thoughts than I am, as well as a far better examination of an intersex individual than this episode of House does.

Private Practice-style lesson: You can't lie to your kid about giving him testosterone injections.

Private Practice-style lesson: You can't lie to your kid about giving him testosterone injections.

Back to House, the strangely complacent doctor begins to do more strange things, and now both Wilson and Foreman suspect him of being on heroin, so Wilson invites House to dinner and offers him a shot, knowing full well that if House drinks it, he could stop breathing again. House knows what Wilson’s up to, and defiantly takes the shot and walks out, only to vomit in the parking lot and bark at Wilson for knowingly nearly killing him. Wilson rails at his friend for being on heroin, and House admits that he’s actually on prescription methadone, which makes him feel no pain at all, but could kill him at any moment. Cuddy refuses to let House practice at her hospital under methadone, so he quits, choosing a pain-free existence over his job, only to return when Cuddy agrees to let him come back as long as she can supervise his methadone use.

When he does, he realizes that Jackson is sick because of the MRI contrast dye, which never got filtered out of his system when they took him off his T (something Thirteen figured out in his absence, after another fight with the boy’s mother when she realized his “suicide poem” was just a classroom assignment to write in the style of Sylvia Plath – what the fuck kind of English teacher assigns Plath to 8th graders?). When he first came into House’s care, he was just dehydrated, but House’s allowance of the MRI only made Jackson worse because he kindly gave in to the requests of Jackson’s family. Realizing that being pain-free clouds his judgment, House refuses to accept methadone treatment and returns to being the curmudgeonly Vicodin addict we’ve come to know and love, an end to the softer side of House.

I really liked “The Softer Side,” but I really dislike the implication that exhibiting a female gender identity is somehow soft.

The Husband:

Just as with the end of s2 – at least, I think it was s2 when House started feeling no pain and started skateboarding – I wish that Dr. Gregory House hadn’t been so willing to drop the methadone and go back onto the Vicodin, continuing to live in pain but being a “better doctor.” It was an interesting examination of his personality, and I could have used at least three more episodes on this subject. It’s what made the last episode so great – me, the one who hasn’t really been into any of the personal stories this season, thinks this to be so – and gave me the second episode in a row to actually captivate me and not just spark a small amount of medical curiosity.

But man, did I like “Unfaithful” like crazy. Not only was the priest played by the always-cast-as-a-creep Jimmi Simpson (Liam McPoyle on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia), who I think is pretty underrated as an actor, but I was actually invested in the mystery for once, eager to reach the conclusion of the episode just to know what the hell was going on with his disease and his past. Yes, it was like Doubt 2.0, and I was itching for some answers. The fact that we didn’t get all of them is fine, because for once the P.O.W. was a fully fleshed character and not just a pin cushion with a mouth and an attitude problem.

The Wife:

Ah, love! What better gift could I have been given by the CW than a 90210 Valentine’s Day episode? In the spirit of all things lovey-dovey, here are “9 Adorably Lame Things About This Week’s 90210:

1. Silver in love. I’m glad she had a line that explained how being in love was turning her into a “completely different person,” because I would never have guessed from the oh-so-subtle costuming changes or Jessica Stroup’s acting. Since when does being in love make you shed your hardcore rocker chick look and start wearing navy and white striped jumpers and putting your hair up like a little girl? I mean, Stroup looks cute in whatever you throw on her tiny little body, but really, wardrobe folks, your intention surely wasn’t to infantalize Silver, was it? If it was, why? That outfit aside, Silver was pretty adorable in this episode in her foray into being a nice, genuine person who just wants to show Dixon she loves him, Beverly Hills style.

2. I have never heard the phrase “cheesy goober” so much in such a short period of time. That is a truly lame phrase, but despite its appearance 3 times in 20 seconds, I think it worked in service of what was going on with Silver’s character in this episode.

3. Not adorable in any way: talking smack about your ex while she’s in earshot, Navid. That’s really uncool. In fact, it’s a super lame thing to do. However, I think Navid made up for it sufficiently in his very sincere apology to Adriana at the candy shop.

4. And then he follows that up by stopping by Adriana’s place after the Valentine’s dance she declined to go to (you know, due to being pregnant and all), and telling her that she’s a mess, but even so, he still wants her to be his Valentine. Ooh, yay! Now they can be just like Amy and Ben over on Secret Life! And he’ll totally defend her and stuff when people pick on her. And then he’ll get all attached and want to raise her baby with her. And then they’ll have an illegal secret wedding! Honestly, this was very sweet in theory, but lacked any punch due to chronic underdevelopment of Navid’s character on the writer’s part, thus making it ever so slightly lame. But he is wearing a really awesome sweater during this scene. And that’s pretty adorable.

5.  Annie, I get that acting is your passion and you want to be goord at it, but in addition to your acting teacher’s advice about accessing your own emotions to bring the character you’re playing to life, you also need to find yourself some good material to work with. Why in God’s name would you choose a monologue from Les Miserables? Les Miz sucks. It’s quite possibly one of the lamest shows I’ve ever seen. And how can you, at 16, possibly know what the hell Fantine was going through? If Annie, in all her corn-fed senses of quality, taste and style, really wanted to pick something from Les Miz, why not something from Cosette? Or even Eponine? An acting audition is just like a singing audition. You’ve got to have the right song choice. And you’ve got to have the right monologue.

6. Oh, man, could Rhonda’s story about being asked to the school dance on a dare have been anymore melodramatic? Seriously, girlfriend, if that makes you want to kill yourself, you definitely need to be in therapy because you have some serious self-esteem and identity issues. And I fucking adored the lame little inserts of Rhonda telling that story at the Peach Pit as Annie appropriates it to show that she can access emotions from her past in her acting class! Amazing! Truly, the greatest art 90210 has ever displayed is that sequence. And Ethan coming in at the end? Priceless. Just. Priceless.

7. I miss PodPerson Ethan, because Rhonda-loving Ethan is a major downer. Maybe I’m a jackass for thinking this, but even though Rhonda told Ethan and Annie that story “in confidence,” I’m totally fine with Annie using it as a monologue in her class. I mean, clearly the worst thing that’s ever happened to Annie was the thing with her Secret Brother Who Isn’t Her Brother At All trying to swindle her family, so if learning to relate to Rhonda helps her with her craft, more power to her. She never said Rhonda’s name, and none of the people in Annie’s class would ever know that it was Rhonda’s story at all. In a way, she’s really protecting Rhonda’s, uh, “secret,” by turning it in to an artistic endeavor, something that is real without necessarily being true. Whatever. I’m talking out my ass. If Rhonda’s not going to use that story, someone should. It’s a fucking gem of an after-school special if ever there was one.

8. Adorable: Naomi’s crush on the new bartender at her hotel, Liam. Also adorable: Liam. What a nice guy, standing up for the waitstaff and flirting with Naomi. It’s lame that he stood her up for their poolside V-Day date, but even lamer that he somehow blames her for the twist to this plot: Liam is also in high school, and now that he’s been found out, he actually has to return to high school. In summary, Naomi sent a bottle of champagne to Liam’s house, which his mom had to sign for, which is how she knew he was working instead of going to school. What the fuck? Seriously. I appreciate you twisting this around on me, but why spring it on me so soon? And why do it in the most convoluted way? Sorry you don’t really like school, Liam, but seriously, graduate high school. It’s the least you can do. And don’t take the fact that you’re dumb enough to live with your mom and “pretend” to go to school out on Naomi. Your mom was gonna find out eventually. Like when your W2s come in the mail. And when your report card suddenly stopped showing up. Dumbass.

9. I’m glad to know that buying Silver a basic ID bracelet is enough to make her stop freaking out and being mean to wait staff (truly an undesirable quality in a person), but even happier to know that the least thoughtful gift in the world is enough to make her want to have sex with you. And that having sex with you is enough to make her want to do the fucking lamest thing ever and get your name tattooed on her hip. Silver, you are clearly a nutcase. An adorable nutcase, but a nutcase nonetheless. I’ve been with my husband for about seven and a half years, and I do not have his name tattooed anywhere on me. And I love tattoos as much as I love him, so that should tell you how strongly I feel about getting a name tattooed on your person. Enjoy having that lasered off or covered up when Dixon inevitably breaks up with your crazy ass, Silver. Maybe she can get the word “Ticonderoga” tattooed below it and a pencil. Because, you know, she loves writing. It would be like her version of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo.

Bitch, you crazy!

Bitch, you crazy!

And One Really Awesome Thing About This Week’s 90210:

1. It was just a fleeting moment, but I loved Naomi’s pep talk to Adriana about how her pregnancy is benefiting her, saying that her skin and hair have never looked better, and that her boobs are huge. Here’s hoping we should all get such shiny, thick hair while pregnant, because the boobs are a given.

The Husband:

I don’t have an awesome thing about this week’s 9fneh, but I did amuse myself when I declared that at least once this season, the showrunners should allow the actors to improvise an entire episode. At least it’ll be natural that way. And Jessica Walter will probably end up in the background of every shot going “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” …and then asking somebody to play “Misty” for her.