The Wife:

Another two weeks of SYTYCD auditions, and here are our notable dancers out of Boston, Atlanta and the Big Easy:

Please give this woman an Emmy. Please?

Please give this woman an Emmy. Please?

Teddy Tedhome: He wore plaid pants, and that makes him both funky and awesome. He goes straight to Vegas.

Jean Llauret: He is a good breaker, but I feel like he is stronger than he is interesting in either movement or personality. Still, we’ll see him in Vegas.

Kimara Wood: I would totally cast this long-dreaded dude in a Cajun Country Blues version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream as Oberon. Believe me, I’ve seen such a production of Midsummer and he is exactly what their Oberon looked like. He goes to Vegas.

Channing Cooke: She is Kherington 2.0, which means Nigel likes her because she is pretty and blonde. She makes it to the choreo round.

Super Tall Ryan Casey: He’s a good tapper, if ungainly due to his height. Though he doesn’t make it to Vegas, I suspect he is somehow related to Conan O’Brien.

Russell Ferguson: Unfortunately, his excellent krump audition was ruined by the producers inserting shots of Tyce DiOrio grooving for no fucking reason. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT TYCE!

Karen and Matthew Haver: If these two dance like this together, what must their marriage bed be like? They both go to Vegas to burn the sheets there. Once again, I had to ask myself why Cat Deeley and the producers are rewriting SYTYCD history. They claimed that Karen and Matthew were the first married couple to make it to Vegas together, but that’s not true! Artem and his wife both made it to Vegas in season one. Artem made the show, his wife didn’t.

K-Bez: His performance was good, but not great, and made me officially announce that I am over any and all Black Eyed Peas summer dance hits. Somehow, he still goes to Vegas.

Gene Burstin: He is a very sexy Russian with a very unsexy name and goes to Vegas.

Billy Bell: He reminds me of Billy Elliot, so we shall call this sprightly male ballet poof Billy Belliot for the duration of his time on the show. (It works on two levels, you see, because the actor who played Billy Elliot is called Jamie Bell.) Billy Belliot here is amazing, and he goes straight to Vegas.

Amber Jackson: I am pretty sure Nigel just threatened violence upon this girl because he liked her dancing, but didn’t think her performance was engaging. I mean, on the one hand, I agree about engaging your audience, especially at an audition, but sometimes, you’re just not dancing that kind of dance, you know?

Victor Smalley: He isn’t Hawaiian, as far as I can tell, but dances like a combination of Mark and Kupono. Good times.

Jessica Jensen: How many times have I begged my readers to get skin checks? Please do, because you do not want to have a sarcoma in your hand and end up like this girl. Although, if you do have to lose a hand, please be like this girl. Jessica here was a good dancer, but not a great one, and I’m glad that the judges didn’t get her a free pass to Vegas simply because of her missing hand. She does, however, have personality for days. I loved her joke about gnawing off her fingers with nervousness, and the shot of her walking out of the theatre with her boyfriend, where he tenderly held the nub where her hand used to be. She’s kind of my hero.

Thomas Hamilton: The world’s most graceful crackbaby gets a ticket to Vegas.

Shelby “Skip” Skipper: One of the most energetic hip-hoppers we’ve seen so far in auditions. Mary was either amazed, or on drugs, or both by the sound of her praise of his work.

Jonathan Litzler: He’s an acrobat, and you know what I don’t need? Another Neil Haskell. I can’t deny his talent (he’s better than Neil), I just think his tumbling overshadowed his dancing. Well, that and the fact that he only wears one sock or shoe while dancing. What’s up with that?

Allison Nance: Her stand-out moment was when she made a pinwheel with her legs over her torso, and yet somehow remained stationary through her core. I do not understand how one achieves such a thing.

Edward Spots: Should be cast in The Lion King. Right now.

Justin Kenny: He is probably the most lithe breakers we’ve ever seen. Some of his moves are a little awkward, but when it works, it’s stellar.

Kimalee Piadad: I have never heard of competition theatre arts dancing, but I assume that’s what you have to call competitive partner dancing that isn’t in a defined ballroom style. She and her partner were really great, achieving lifts I’ve really only seen people do on ice skates and not half so well. Kimalee goes straight to Vegas.

Diana Drexler: She performed a very moving lyrical piece, and it was all the more moving to her after losing her grandfather passed away just before her audition. I’m sorry she didn’t want to be “that girl” (with the story, the package of tragedy), because the producers clearly wanted her to be.

Stray thoughts:

  • I liked watching Cat learn how to do the Stanky Legg. I know how to do that from America’s Best Dance Crew!
  • Even more than this, I enjoyed watching Cat learn the New Orleans bounce.
  • “My salsa looked more like some guacamole.” — Boogie Links, who was having way more fun hitting on girls than he was dancing.
  • Where are the mind-blowing hip-hoppers this season? I haven’t seen nearly as many as I should be seeing.
  • And I missed the girl who fell down and showed her lady bits. Why would you even go to a dance competition without underwear on in the first place? Wouldn’t we have seen all that during her piece, which I’m sure was filled with leg extensions and leaps?

The Husband:

The producers claim that it wasn’t her lady bits, but “a crease in her panties,” which is one of the best press release phrases in quite some time.

Quick hint: it wasn’t “a crease in her panties.” Panties don’t have a furry front patch. At least no panties I know.

And Thomas Hamilton reminded me that I wanted to play this clip. Not that I don’t like him, but even if he makes it into the Top 20 and then starts sucking (neither of which I can foresee, because I’m not a soothsayer), I will have probably forgotten by then that I would want to use this clip when he is kicked off. So here I preemptively give him shit and expose my bad taste, if me talking about furry panties didn’t already tip you off.

The Wife:

Hi there, SYTYCD fans! I’m sure you wondered where I was last week, but I thought I’d wait until we had two audition cities to discuss before I posted about SYTYCD, just so we’d have more to talk about. I think it actually worked out for the better this way, because now I can start by pointing out SYTYCDers I spotted during the VMAs:

Tyce DiOrio was all up in Miss Jackson’s bidnass during the MJ tribute of “Scream.”

If you looked really closely behind the bleeding carcass of Lady Gaga, you would have noticed featured dancer Mark Kanemura being totally fucking awesome.

That means employment! These people don’t just fade into obscurity like non-signed Idol cast-offs! They actually get paid to dance!

I can also announce with sadness that every SYTYCD choreographer nominated for an Emmy this year lost to the “Musicals Are Back” segment from the Oscars. It’s kind of a bummer, but at least they didn’t lose to DWTS.

God, I hope I get it!

God, I hope I get it!

As for the fall season’s auditions, things started off in L.A. At least for L.A. and Phoenix, former contestants Anya Garnis and Pasha Kovalev put the dancers through the choreography round. Adam Shankman, who will be a permanent judge for the remainder of this season, assisted on the panel in L.A., while Mia Michaels joined in Phoenix.

Dancers of note:

Mollie Grey: She was a principal dancer in HSM 1-3 and moved out to L.A. with nothing because she’d outgrown her dance opportunities in Utah. Nigel likes her because she’s young and blonde and she gets a ticket to Vegas.

Bianca Revels and Ryan Kasprzak: Both tappers cut from the Top 20 return and have a wicked awesome tap battle. For some reason, the judges and Cat keep saying things like, “We’ve never had a tapper make it to the Top 20,” but this is a lie. In the first season, which I guess technically only had a Top 16, Sandra Colton was the first to be eliminated from the competition. She was, in fact, a tapper. She danced her way off the stage to Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.” Nonetheless, Bianca and Ryan traded taps and earned themselves two tickets to Vegas. Their battle was delightful, but Ryan’s performance art solo was even more so. I love that kid. I need him in the Top 20.

Amber Williams: Her mother is paralyzed, which is terrible but creates a nice juxtaposition for the grace with which her daughter dances. She earns a ticket to Vegas.

Alexie Agdeppa and Paula Van Outen (Oopen?): Both girls made it to Vegas last year, and then make it to Vegas again.

Christina the Salsa Dancer: Her popping section was rough, but her salsa sections were stellar. She gets a ticket to Vegas.

Phillip Attmore: Another tapper, Phillip toured with Ryan Kasprzak in a production of Fosse. I now know that Ryan has a happy face tattoo on his butt. I also know that Phillip is one smoove operator on the dance floor. Seriously, he’s great. His solo included more than just tap, so we know he can do things outside of his own style. Because of that, and his amazing pirouette, he earns a ticket to Vegas. Screw Bianca, I need Ryan and Phillip in the top.

Sasha Mallory: I really loved her audition piece because it was an entire performance with a through-line. She cries a lot, and the judges give her a ticket to Vegas.

Allison Becker: Allison is deaf from a bought of spinal meningitis when she was 16 months old. I don’t like her audition all that much, but its clear she has a lot of strength and muscle control, so the judges praise her for overcoming her deafness, dancing well and send her to choreo. She proves her mettle and winds up going to Vegas. I’d also like to note that, as far as a personality is concerned, I love that she’s cheeky and immediately said, “I’d be great,” when the judges asked how she’d be at choreography. And, as a linguist, I am very impressed at her speech abilities, having gone deaf so young. (I’m sure the hearing aid she wears helps.)

Same Sex Ballroom returns with national Same Sex Latin Ballroom champions Willem Des Vries and Jacob Jason. These guys are great, and the piece they choreographed is very strong and unmistakably masculine. Most importantly, by not compromising the masculinity of either dancer, they accurately displayed the passion between two male lovers the way traditional Latin dance displays the passion between opposite sex lovers. They get sent to choreo, and then go straight to Vegas.

Jonathan “Legacy” Perez: This breaker got mad skills, and, from the look of some of his moves, I bet he also does parkour. Nigel notes that he assisted Lauren Gottleib (who was part of Vocal Adrenaline on last night’s Glee) in the choreography rounds of last year’s auditions. They hem and haw for a bit, but ultimately realize he’s awesome and send him to Vegas.

Other people and stray thoughts:

  • Cole Clemmens’ totally terrible performance art audition actually made my night. In another context, I still think it would have been bad, but it was nonetheless enjoyable.
  • What’s with the reuse of the season 1 credits sequence? Where are my season 5 performance clips, damnit?
  • I love that Cat is the kind of woman who is incredible beautiful, but has no problem acting like a fool. The fact that she put on a tutu and danced with a ballerina in line was totally awesome.
  • It was very generous of the judges to let Biggie and Shortie go through to choreo in Phoenix. And by “very generous,” I mean they should have just thanked them for being entertaining and told them they weren’t right for the show before forcing them to do something they obviously couldn’t do.
  • Highly energetic Jarvis Johnson needs to become a go-go dancer at a gay club so he can just dance dance dance dance dance all night. He overdoes it in the choreo round, though, and collapses in an asthma attack. The good news is that he improves quickly, but he has to leave the competition, and that’s probably for the best.
  • Why doesn’t Cat have an Emmy for best host? When Jarvis collapsed, she rushed to his side and helped the paramedics. I know Phil Koeghan would do that, but I doubt that Jeff Probst would!
  • I was much more interested in Kelsey White’s jazz shoes than in her dancing. It is probably for the best that she didn’t make it to Vegas.