The Wife:

I missed last week’s TAR because I was having my own mini-version in the Pacific Northwest as I took a two-night trip up to Seattle to visit my soon-to-be home for graduate study. The experience was not comparable to TAR in any way other than I saw a part of a city in a day and was shuffled from place to place competing tasks such as meeting with professors, getting coffee or sitting in on a seminar during which a fire drill occurred. That was probably the most TAR-ish part, actually.

While I was in Seattle, the racers spent another leg in Thailand, flying from Phuket to Bangkok, where they had to taxi themselves to a boat yard to get their first clue. Jaime cemented my hatred of her by being completely mean and insulting to cab drivers. I’m sorry, bitch, but not everyone on the planet speaks English, nor do they want to. Just fucking learn to be patient and stop adopting the attitude that someone is less intelligent than you because they don’t speak your language. Seriously, if I were traveling with Jaime, I’d have punched her pretty little face about eight times by now because there is never a part of the race where she isn’t mean to cabbies.

Once at the boat yard, teams faced a Road Block in which one team member must attach a propeller to a long-tail boat. If done correctly, they would get a clue that would lead them to sail across the lake to their next destination. And this is where everything got totally fucked up for two of the five teams. Only Margie and Luke and Cara and Jaime had the foresight to bring their bags from their cab to the dock, just in case they weren’t returning to their cab. Once Tammy and Victor realized they were going to motor across the lake, they took the time to redock their boat and grab their things. Kisha and Jen and Mark and Michael didn’t think to do either of those things, with Kisha and Jen even leaving their passport and money bag on the dock and not turning around to get it. The part that truly baffles me about this is that it was a Road Block, so only one person was aboard the boat attaching the rudder, while the other sat on the docks. Why didn’t that other teammate grab their stuff and bring it aboard? It’s not like they didn’t have the time!

After that set-up for disaster, the teams eventually found their way to a Detour:

  1. Broken Teeth, in which they would search through 50 sets of dentures to find matches for five patients
  2. Broken Record, in which they would join a party taxi with three local ladies and sing the same karaoke song over and over until they reached their destination.


Straight up, I would totally have gone to sing karaoke with Thai ladyboys. Oh yes, as Kisha and Jen realized but Mark and Michael never did, the Thai women they shared an intimate karaoke-fueled taxi ride with were, in fact, ladyboys, some of whom were much more beautiful and real than others, but all of whom were totally fabulous. I really do applaud the Thai for creating environments that welcome alternative genders and sexualities such as ladyboys. Recently, the government created a college just for them (similar to New York City’s Harvey Milk High School for LBGTQI kids) so that they could be themselves without feeling any potential pressure from factions of society that may not understand them. All of the teams seemed to be in agreement with me, except for Margie and Luke, who avoid things involving music and singing, for obvious reasons.

“I’m a bad singer, but he’s a really bad singer!” – Margie, on Luke’s inability to sing


So the mother and son decided to play with dentures, an activity described by Phil in the episode’s title as: “Rooting around in people’s mouths could be unpleasant.” Indeed. But Margie, being a nurse, was pretty fucking good at it. So good at it, in fact, that it got her and her son to the Pit Stop at Piya Thai Palace in first place, winning themselves a trip to Puerto Rico.

Mark and Michael got into some kind of row over whether or not to get their bags, and eventually decided to spend all of their remaining money to go back to their cab and get their bags before continuing on to the Detour. Sans cash, they had to barter their personal possessions to settle their cab bill. This would come back to bite them in the ass, as apparently you cannot barter your things for money on The Amazing Race? Surely, I thought they would have some penalties for not arriving at destinations by proper means (circumventing with cabs in place of feet or boats or whatnot), but apparently what I thought were mistakes weren’t and what I thought was totally okay totally wasn’t.

Jaime and Cara checked in in second place, followed by Kisha and Jen, who made it through on free cab rides from generous Thai people and, in Kisha’s case, without shoes. Phil couldn’t check them in, however, without their bags, so he sent them back to get them in a taxi. Officially, Tammy and Victor claimed third place. Mark and Michael then arrived and were penalized two hours for each instance of bartering, thus collecting a full four hours in penalties, which allowed Kisha and Jen to return and check in before them. Luckily, this was a non-elimination leg, so the wee stuntmen would have to wait out the remaining 3 hours and 10 minutes of their penalty at the beginning of the next leg, as well as complete a Speed Bump. Ouch. I mean, they made a really boneheaded move by forgetting their bags, but I had no idea you would be punished for bartering. Were Dandrew not punished in Russia last season because the cabbie decided not to take their shoes? I mean, where’s the consistency here?

For the next leg of the race, teams flew from Bangkok to Guilin, China and taxied to Qing Xiu Lu to find a hair salon where they would receive their next clue. Somehow, Kisha and Jen managed to get on their earliest flight out, putting them in the lead for this leg, while Cara and Jaime kept pace with Tammy and Victor by booking the same flight. I always end up liking the teams that have a second language in their arsenal, and it turns out that Tammy and Victor, like so many Chinese-American kids I know, were forced by their parents into Chinese school as children, and thus read, write and speak Mandarin. (Remember now much I loved Sarah, the Browbeaten Girlfriend of Terrance the Almighty Douchenozzle, just because she spoke Portuguese?) This definitely gave them a bit of an advantage on this leg of the race (summed up by Tammy as, “Now we know when our cab drivers don’t know where they’re going”), and smart teams stayed close to them to leech off of their knowledge.

Bitch, please!

Bitch, please!


In the previews for this episode, we knew that Jen and Luke were going to get into a major altercation at the clue box, and it was on like the break of dawn when Luke ran up to that clue box in front of the beauty salon and Jen slammed into him from behind. He put up his arm to block her, and she thought this was a “bitch move” so her sister said so, which really upset Margie and, when his mother later told him, Luke. What Jen has to remember is that Luke cannot hear her approaching, so when he put his arm up, it was just a natural reaction to someone you don’t know fucking grabbing you from behind. He wasn’t necessarily doing it to be mean or to keep her from the clue box. He was just doing what one does to protect oneself. So for Kisha to call Luke a bitch was definitely uncalled for in this situation.

From the salon, teams traveled to the #24 bridge, where they participated in a Road Block involving one of my fucking favorite things in the world: Cormorant Fishing. One teammate had to go out on the river and “train” the birds to retrieve thrown fishies. First of all, cormorants are ridiculous looking birds, and I love them for that alone. But I am also fond of cormorant fishing because there are so few people in the world that still practice it. In China, it used to be a profession that was passed down from generation to generation in the provinces where it is practiced. But as fewer and fewer children want to be fisherman for a living, there are now fewer and fewer cormorant fishers. I have some mixed feelings about the process used to train the birds (where their necks are tied with strings so that they can be brought back to the boat to deposit fish), but when the birds are trained, their handlers treat them very well and revere them. It’s kind of like using a hunting dog. And, like a hunting dog, the birdies might bite you, as they did to Luke. (By the way, props to the camera man who got the horror film shot of the bird approaching with venom in its beady little bird eyes. That right there deserves an Emmy.)

OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!


Before anyone could go out and play with the birdies, though, Jen had to go and be a bitch to Luke at the clue box again. He did run a little hard into her, but I think he was trying to beat her there and she just wedged herself in front of his momentum. She definitely pushed him away, though. And not defensively. And as though the bitch calling wasn’t enough, at this point Kisha announced that she planned to smile and laugh at them anytime the mother and son attempted to discuss the brewing conflict. Way to take the high road, Kisha.

After fishing with cormorants, teams headed to Ancient South Gate where they would face their Detour, involving two Chinese leisure pursuits of calligraphy and choreography.

  1. In Choreography, teams would join dancers in the park to learn and perform a choreographed ballroom dance routine. I immediately wished the local Chinese population did this in St. Mary’s Square instead of morning tai chi and afternoon games of go. It would be a lot more fun to watch, especially if random white people joined in and totally failed at dancing.
  2. In Calligraphy, teams had to visit four calligraphy stations in the park and copy the master’s brush strokes. If they copied them correctly, they would get a stamp. Four stamps got them their next clue.


Cheerleaders Jaime and Cara chose choreography, as learning choreography was basically their job for the entire time they were employed by the Miami Dolphins. Unfortunately, they totally failed at this challenge, leading Jaime to once again grow frustrated with people who don’t speak her language and flail her arms about screaming, “Does anyone speak English??” as though it were part of the routine she didn’t learn. Maybe you’re just losing your muscle memory, Jaime! Get your ass back to a dance class!

Luke being Deaf, Margie and her son chose to follow Tammy and Victor and Kisha and Jen to the calligraphy stations. I was a bit sad to learn that Tammy and Victor felt their Chinese writing was poor because, like every other Chinese-American kid I know, they totally didn’t pay attention in Chinese school. However, their spoken prowess was good enough to wheedle their way in front of the calligraphy master before all of the other teams and begged him to stamp them first. (Best tactic ever: “If we don’t win, our parents will cry themselves to death.”) It was smart of the other teams to follow Tammy and Victor in this case as each calligraphy station spelled out the Chinese name of their next location. All the easier to find those places with Tammy and Victor reading the names aloud, right? Much easier to ask someone for directions if you know how to pronounce the characters rather than trying to read the signs!

Once these teams completed all four calligraphy stations, they made their way to the Pit Stop at Banyan Lake, where they had to find the view depicted on the scroll handed to them by the calligraphy master. Kisha and Jen arrived at the mat first, winning a trip for two to Barbados, followed by Tammy and Victor and Margie and Luke, coming in third for the first time in the entire race. (Margie and Luke are always first or fourth, it seems.) As Phil ventured to ask these three teams about the pressure now that there are only a handfull of teams left in the game, Kisha and Jen smiled and pretended everything was copasetic, while Margie and Luke fiercely debated in ASL about bringing up their altercation with the sisters. I do not even fully know what to make of this situation, except that Kisha and Jen’s smiles and, yes, laughter at Margie and Luke really drove Margie over the edge. She took it as the sisters mocking her son’s strained speech. (Yes, when he’s angry, he does try to speak and, as you’d expect, it doesn’t go very well.) She lambasted them about how Luke has been made fun of his entire life for his Deafness and that they do not know what it’s like to be different. The girls rightly pointed out my astute observation that they have been Black their whole lives, and an angry Margie tried to explain how it was different to be disabled than it is to be non-white. Phil tried to ameliorate the situation by suggesting that, perhaps, the initial act of shoving at clue boxes had been misinterpreted (it had), but that didn’t really fix the problem.

Frankly, I do think Kisha and Jen are being dicks about the situation, and I feel for Margie. No mother wants to see her child hurt in any way, and I can definitely see that name-calling is especially hurtful to someone who isn’t hearing. But I really think the bigger problem in this situation is that, because of Luke’s Deafness and his bold refusal to learn to lip read, he has become completely dependent on and been overly coddled by his mother. He’s never really learned to fight his own battles or to simply ignore things that do not matter, like being called a name or accidentally pushed into something. This shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it became one.

Anyway, Cara and Jaime eventually figured out that their dance routine and checked in fourth at the mat, leaving super-duper behind Mark and Michael to be Phileminated.

Next week, Jen pulls a Salome and cries about having to swim! Will someone explain to me why water is scary? Because your body is, like, half water. So . . . yeah . . . totally not scary. Not scary at all. (Husband Note: More than half our body, woman!) (Wife’s Retort: Technically, yes, up to 60% of the body is water, but it varies from person to person. “Like, half” is accurate.)

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The Wife:

I learned some things during this episode of TAR:

1. Jaime is really mean to people who don’t speak English, and that actually makes me hate her. She’s symbolic of a problem that much of the English-speaking world has in which they think, for some reason, that everyone everywhere else in the world should also speak English. I am sure that this expectation is created not out of ignorance on the part of people like Jaime, but out of an expectation created in an age of globalization and the rise of English as the lingua franca of the business world. That said, a spice shop in Phuket, Thailand is not a regional headquarters of Microsoft in Jakarta. You have to have reasonable expectations when you travel.

2. Bandit is a super cool name, and it means “teacher” in Thai.

3. The Phuket Zoo looks like one of the craziest zoos ever.

Teams wound up at the Phuket Zoo after flying nearly 2,000 miles from Jaipur to the popular resort area and were told to find a statue of a gorilla with only a photograph as reference. Every team started this leg of the race on equal footing, as they all got on the same flight from Jaipur, but quickly, Mike and Mel got separated from the herd, who asked locals in the central square if they knew where the gorilla statute was and eventually got pointed in the correct direction, while Mike and Mel trusted their cab driver who took them way out to the beach (because that’s exactly where super white tourists want to go . . .). Once teams found the monkey statue, they then had the most fun day at the zoo ever as each team proceeded to take a picture with a tiger (whose handler only had one arm, incidentally) and participate in a traditional Thai performance in which an elephant pranced around them, massaged their backs and squatted over them.

After their fun zoo adventure, teams headed to the oldest herb shop in Old Phuket and had to ask the shop owner to open one drawer at a time in his 99-drawer cabinet of wonderments in order to find their next clue. Jaime got really, really frustrated with her inability to communicate with this man, as aforementioned. (I think yelling and waving frantically didn’t help her case much, frankly.) She and Cara were the first to arrive at the spice shop, but due to their complete failure to communicate and lack of a methodical approach to the drawers (writing down each number that had already been called, or methodically going down/across rows) they ended up leaving the shop only moments before a caught-up Mel and Mike made it there. The clues from the chest of wonderments presented teams with their Detour for this leg of the race:

  • 100 Barrels, in which teams would load a fishing ship with 47 barrels of water and 53 empty barrels for fish, enough for a week’s journey to sea
  • 2 Miles, in which teams would prepare a rickshaw and carry their teammate aboard it for 2 miles.


Mark and Michael, in the lead, chose the rickshaws, as did Tammy and Victor. Kisha and Jen, Jaime and Cara and Margie and Luke all chose the barrels, but wound up in the wrong place. Kisha and Jen decided to stay and look for the proper location, while the other two teams jumped ship and decided to go for the rickshaws. Mel and Mike eventually joined Kisha and Jen at the docks. Once their Detours were completed, teams raced to Wat Tep Nemet, their Pit Stop for the last leg of the race.

Stuntmen Mark and Michael were the first to make it to the mat, but somehow, they incurred two penalties that cost them an hour total in penalty time. I figured when I saw them ask their cab driver to lead them to the end of the rickshaw course that they would incur a penalty, but I had no idea what their second penalty would have been until Phil told us. Apparently, when they were setting up their rickshaw, they hid the bike pumps which Phil declared was “intentional tampering.” I think they likely just thought they were cleaning up after themselves and put the pumps all back in the box, but maybe I missed something and they really were being sneaky and evil. While they waited out their punishment, two teams arrived to oust them from their number one seat.

(Husband Note: Yes, you did miss something. They even told the cameras what they were doing as they tampered with the pumps.)

1st: Tammy and Victor, winning a trip for two to Ohau.
2nd: Jaime and Cara
3rd: Mark and Michael, able to check in after their penalty time had elapsed.
4th: Margie and Luke, continuing their streak of checking in either first or fourth. Dramatically, Margie fell victim to heat stroke and Phil was there to catch her, like any good sweaty Thailand-set romance novel would include (minus the ladyboys). I can’t think of many better places to have heat stroke than near the arms of Phil Koeghan. Margie’s a trooper, though. The production staff was set to take her to a Thai ER, but she wanted to press on, once she got some water in her system (and poured over her head).
5th: Kisha and Jen
6th: Mike and Mel, who were, sadly, Phileminated.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


I kind of knew that Mel and Mike were screwed when they chose not to follow the herd, but I had hoped that they’d pull through – a hope that was especially renewed when I found out that Mark and Michael would have to wait an hour in penalty time. But, sadly, my favorite people on the race had to go home last night. I’m now rooting for either Margie and Luke (because while I don’t like Luke that much, I really love his mom), or Tammy and Victor (who seem to have really worked through their issues and are having fun together). I’m really going to miss The Whites, though. I leave you with a parting lame joke of theirs, that was totally priceless:


Mike: Do you speak any Thai, Dad?
Mel: Uh, yeah. Mai tai.

Ba dum ching!

The Husband:

Noooooooooooooooooooooooes! One of our best and quirkiest modern screenwriters and his gay father have finally fallen by the wayside, and I in good faith cannot continue posting little bits and pieces of his movies on this blog!

Oh well, I can at least leave you with this – Mike White’s best scene in The Good Girl, an incredible and incredibly sad indie film from several years back taken from White’s most dramatic script to date. (While Chuck & Buck, his breakout film, was a drama, too, it was more of the sardonic stalker variety and more awkwardly terrifying than anything else.)

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